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Mister... Horton...
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had...
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a shag...
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..pile...
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..car...
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pet
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installed. Frank.
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I don't think this new shorthand
is helping.
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Sorry I'm late.
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Sheep exploded. Nasty business.
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Would you like a recap? Quickly.
They're popping like champagne corks.
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First, the apologies.
Then the council agreed to give £200 to the Scots.
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What the hell for?
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I miss 10 minutes and you go mad.
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Why the hell
should we give the Scots money?
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Calm down. The SCOUTS, Frank.
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Oh, right.
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We also gave £20...
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to the Save The...Chickens Fund.
Moving on! Any other business? Yes.
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I'm on local radio next week.
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Does anyone have any requests?
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A bus for the Women's Institute.
We're going to see those lovely dancers in London.
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The Royal Ballet?
No. The Chippendales.
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I meant record requests.
Did you know I used to be a DJ?
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What station?
Miss Selfridge FM, Cheltenham.
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There was that lovely record
about someone's face.
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Let's Face The Music And Dance.
Torvill and Dean.
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Chantilly Face?
Hugo, give me a classic.
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00:02:24,400 --> 00:02:28,880
It has to be Kylie.
The question is which?
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All right.
What's the matter you? Hey!
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Shut uppa, you face!
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The parish clerk
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requested "Shut Up Your Face"
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and the chairman pointed out that
if he heard that song he'd take Frank by the testicles
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and swing him round his head till
his screams were heard in Reykjavik.
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And now there is just
one other badly-timed piece of any other business.
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Mrs Cropley. Oh, yes.
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I just want to say
on behalf of everyone here,
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00:03:09,520 --> 00:03:12,080
happy birthday, Frank!
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Lovely!
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Chocolate!
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No. Marmite.
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00:03:21,660 --> 00:03:25,680
You must know some funny stories
about Frank.
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00:03:25,680 --> 00:03:31,760
I know more funny stories
about foot rot! He's the most tedious man on earth.
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Oh, God! The Dibley Poisoner
does her rounds!
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Cake?
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00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:41,520
Eh...
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Yes, thank you.
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Doing anything special
on your birthday?
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I manured the dahlias. Oh!
Use your own manure?
51
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I don't mean your OWN manure.
Although I'm sure it's excellent.
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Probably not good for the flowers.
Can you forget I mentioned it?
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00:04:08,360 --> 00:04:13,500
I WAS thinking of going to an
exciting exhibition in Whitworth -
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"Train Timetables of the 1920s."
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Unmissable!
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But, unfortunately,
I couldn't afford the taxi.
57
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Isn't there a bus to Whitworth?
Not for years.
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00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:27,660
Ahem!
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00:04:27,660 --> 00:04:31,860
As you know,
today is Frank's 60th birthday.
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00:04:31,860 --> 00:04:34,980
What CAN one say about Frank?
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00:04:34,980 --> 00:04:40,040
He has a huge fund of remarkable
anecdotes about the village.
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The day the milkman
was 47 minutes late,
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00:04:43,780 --> 00:04:47,060
the night the pub ran out of crisps
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and the year
he heard a cuckoo in March... only it turned out to be a pigeon.
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00:04:53,300 --> 00:05:00,460
Happy days! We often say
you should write these wonderful memories down. Good thought!
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Instead of telling us...
all the damn time!
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To Frank!
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00:05:06,660 --> 00:05:10,040
TO FRANK!
Thank you!
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00:05:10,040 --> 00:05:12,700
I forgot to give you this.
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You shouldn't have! Thank you...
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It's the bill for the wine.
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00:05:18,920 --> 00:05:23,100
Can I count on your vote
at the election?
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Yes.
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00:05:24,400 --> 00:05:27,140
I hope you'll vote for him, Vicar.
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00:05:27,140 --> 00:05:30,200
Can't be worse
than the one we've got.
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00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:32,980
Who IS our present councillor?
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Mr Completely Invisible?
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00:05:35,560 --> 00:05:38,140
Mr Total And Utter Dingbat?
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00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:41,780
Representing the Do Sod-All Party?!
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00:05:43,860 --> 00:05:45,360
David!
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It's you, isn't it?
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00:05:48,100 --> 00:05:53,240
I think you'll find that the huge
majority are happy with me.
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00:05:53,240 --> 00:05:55,820
No, no, no. Not really.
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00:05:55,820 --> 00:06:01,340
It would be nice to have a bus.
Transport. Like in the 1870s.
85
00:06:01,340 --> 00:06:04,060
Look at my latest campaign leaflet.
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00:06:04,060 --> 00:06:08,600
A bus service is my top priority.
Wonderful idea.
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It was a priority last time.
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00:06:11,300 --> 00:06:18,440
Mmm! Now, if you will all
excuse me... (I will speak to you later, Vicar.)
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00:06:20,540 --> 00:06:23,060
Nibble, Vicar?
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00:06:23,060 --> 00:06:25,720
It's chocolate spread.
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00:06:25,720 --> 00:06:28,540
Chocolate? Yeah. You promise? Yeah.
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00:06:29,560 --> 00:06:32,060
All right, then.
93
00:06:35,540 --> 00:06:38,300
Very...unusual taste.
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00:06:38,300 --> 00:06:41,060
I put in a bit of tarasalamata(!)
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Did you?
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00:06:46,840 --> 00:06:49,160
Excuse me!
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00:06:52,360 --> 00:06:56,000
Feeling better, Vicar?
Not really. Aww!
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00:06:56,000 --> 00:07:01,020
I had a terrible night.
My bottom had a worse one.
99
00:07:01,020 --> 00:07:03,740
Those chocolate sandwiches!
100
00:07:03,740 --> 00:07:08,840
That woman really is
the queen of cordon bleurgh!
101
00:07:08,840 --> 00:07:13,300
I don't know who to vote for.
They're all SO nice.
102
00:07:13,300 --> 00:07:15,200
Well...
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00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:20,580
Oww! Who did you vote for
in the general election?
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00:07:20,580 --> 00:07:24,660
I couldn't choose.
I didn't tick anyone.
105
00:07:24,660 --> 00:07:29,880
I just put a big cross at the Tory
to make sure he wouldn't get in.
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00:07:30,760 --> 00:07:34,760
Coming! With a big, sore
baboon's bottom!
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00:07:34,900 --> 00:07:41,740
District councillor,
all-round gorgeous guy, we were just talking about you.
108
00:07:41,740 --> 00:07:44,360
Trying to lose me another voter?
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00:07:44,360 --> 00:07:48,940
That's an interesting emblem.
What is it?
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Taramasalata, actually.
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00:07:51,740 --> 00:07:54,520
I want to speak to the vicar alone.
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Right.
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00:07:56,060 --> 00:08:02,400
She'll be back in a tick. She just
went to get the front door. I'll tell her you're here.
114
00:08:02,400 --> 00:08:05,060
Alice, look who it is.
115
00:08:05,060 --> 00:08:08,580
That's a coincidence.
Your father's here.
116
00:08:08,580 --> 00:08:12,340
You big bananas -
you should have come together.
117
00:08:12,340 --> 00:08:18,280
Why don't you two little
bunny rabbits hop off and make coffee while we chat?
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00:08:22,520 --> 00:08:24,020
Hello!
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00:08:24,020 --> 00:08:26,840
I've got taramasalata on my tie.
120
00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:30,840
Oh, it's VERY nice.
Yes. I rather like it.
121
00:08:30,840 --> 00:08:35,820
I didn't do it on purpose,
but I WILL since YOU like it!
122
00:08:35,820 --> 00:08:38,560
I'm all ears, David. Well...
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00:08:38,560 --> 00:08:42,540
Oww! Are you all right?
Yes. Carry on.
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00:08:42,540 --> 00:08:45,360
Don't interfere in this election.
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00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:52,300
I will not be undermined
by a left-wing priest spreading hard-core Marxism.
126
00:08:52,300 --> 00:08:57,340
I see. What was that Socialist
tract from last week's sermon?
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00:08:57,340 --> 00:09:00,040
The sermon on the mount!
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00:09:00,860 --> 00:09:06,560
Jesus did not tell rich people
to give their money away. I think you'll find he did!
129
00:09:06,560 --> 00:09:11,620
What did he say to the sick man?
"Take up thy bed and walk."
130
00:09:11,620 --> 00:09:15,160
In other words, "Help yourself.
On your bike."
131
00:09:15,160 --> 00:09:17,960
Sorry! Can I just check this?
132
00:09:17,960 --> 00:09:23,360
Are you trying to establish a link
between Jesus and Norman Tebbitt?
133
00:09:23,360 --> 00:09:28,220
There are similarities.
There bloody are not!
134
00:09:28,220 --> 00:09:30,600
Well, whatever. Yes!
135
00:09:30,600 --> 00:09:36,860
Our Lord very rarely mentioned
anything about unprofitable local buses.
136
00:09:36,860 --> 00:09:39,620
Oh, no! How wrong can a man be?
137
00:09:39,620 --> 00:09:44,640
"And the Lord returned
from the desert and said,
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00:09:44,640 --> 00:09:48,200
"I'm worried
about the Shopper Hopper."
139
00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:54,260
Yes. And here.
"And he saw that they were poor and in deep distress.
140
00:09:54,260 --> 00:09:56,800
"So he built them a golf course."
141
00:09:56,800 --> 00:10:02,380
Got something against golf?
Apart from the stupid trousers?
142
00:10:02,380 --> 00:10:07,520
And the fact that the council paid
£2,000 to Nick Faldo to open it?
143
00:10:07,520 --> 00:10:10,200
I mean, Nick Faldo!
144
00:10:10,200 --> 00:10:15,300
He's got as much personality
as a 6' 4" asparagus!
145
00:10:15,300 --> 00:10:20,020
Nine iron, Nick Faldo -
who's more interesting?
146
00:10:20,020 --> 00:10:22,560
Tell me, nine iron...
147
00:10:22,560 --> 00:10:27,560
Coffee's up! Time to go, Hugo.
Quite right. I think the vicar
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00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:32,580
realises that she should keep out
of politics. Father sees to that.
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00:10:32,580 --> 00:10:37,660
And he does an enormous amount
on the town-twinning committee. Yes.
150
00:10:37,660 --> 00:10:43,660
The months he spends going to
France and Italy on our behalf is amazing.
151
00:10:43,660 --> 00:10:48,860
But we're not yet twinned, are we?
No. But he's narrowed it down...
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00:10:48,860 --> 00:10:53,000
to two places in Tuscany
and three on the Riviera.
153
00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:58,400
Look! A lovely picture of you
and Mr Horton on his new leaflet.
154
00:11:00,260 --> 00:11:05,640
What's this all about?
Time to go, Hugo. Farewell, Vicar!
155
00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:10,700
He gets MY vote. He must the best
if YOU'RE supporting him.
156
00:11:10,700 --> 00:11:15,700
Am I f...finally going to get
some of that coffee?
157
00:11:15,700 --> 00:11:18,340
I must get ready to go on the radio.
158
00:11:18,340 --> 00:11:20,960
I'm... Oww! Oh, my bottom!
159
00:11:22,220 --> 00:11:24,940
If we take a look at the computer,
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00:11:24,940 --> 00:11:29,960
we see that David Horton
is predicted to get 63% of the vote.
161
00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:34,560
That's a swing of 2%
from the Lib-Dems.
162
00:11:34,560 --> 00:11:38,060
Where does that 2% come from?
Here!
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00:11:38,060 --> 00:11:41,560
Owned by Mrs and Mrs Slater
4 years ago.
164
00:11:41,560 --> 00:11:44,780
But they sold it to the Brothertons.
165
00:11:44,780 --> 00:11:50,260
If you translate this district
result to the House of Commons,
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00:11:50,260 --> 00:11:56,280
there's David Horton
on the government benches AND the opposition benches.
167
00:11:56,940 --> 00:12:02,140
How did the canvassing go? I went
round every house in the village.
168
00:12:02,140 --> 00:12:03,400
Good!
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00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:07,980
One chap talked to me for ages.
Mr Smewen.
170
00:12:07,980 --> 00:12:10,740
He's the LABOUR candidate.
171
00:12:10,740 --> 00:12:12,540
Oh?
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00:12:12,540 --> 00:12:15,200
I've got him down as a possible.
173
00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:19,900
We spent hours chatting
and addressing envelopes.
174
00:12:19,900 --> 00:12:25,880
Addressing envelopes? Yes.
I delivered them for him on my way round.
175
00:12:27,160 --> 00:12:29,920
He'd written to everyone. Lovely man.
176
00:12:31,660 --> 00:12:34,360
Have there been any calls?
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00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:41,960
One. The vicar about the buses.
The clergy should keep their communist conks out of politics.
178
00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:46,120
Yes. Oh, here she comes again.
Where?
179
00:12:46,120 --> 00:12:51,620
No. On the radio.
'Neil Gittons here on Radio Badger.
180
00:12:51,620 --> 00:12:56,640
'Coming up soon, our nostalgia spot,
"We Thought You Were Dead".
181
00:12:56,640 --> 00:13:01,060
'But now talking to local vicar
Geraldine Granger
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00:13:01,060 --> 00:13:05,100
'who's up in arms
about a bus service for Dibley.
183
00:13:05,100 --> 00:13:09,440
'We need a golf course
like the Pope needs condoms,
184
00:13:09,440 --> 00:13:14,560
'but we haven't had buses
for 12 years.' This is outrageous!
185
00:13:14,560 --> 00:13:20,120
'You feel your district councillor
is responsible. Councillor Horton.
186
00:13:20,120 --> 00:13:24,700
'H-O-R-T-O-N.'
Why wasn't I invited to take part?
187
00:13:24,700 --> 00:13:32,380
'Councillor Horton WAS invited
to take part in this programme, but he declined.' I did WHAT ?
188
00:13:32,380 --> 00:13:40,420
'His election agent quotes him:
"The clergy should keep their communist conks out of politics."'
189
00:13:40,420 --> 00:13:42,760
See? I got you word for word!
190
00:13:42,760 --> 00:13:42,780
'Geraldine, you've got a request.
191
00:13:43,580 --> 00:13:45,580
'Geraldine, you've got a request.
192
00:13:45,580 --> 00:13:50,620
'Yes. For handsome Hugo, who
wouldn't mind a date with THIS lady.
193
00:13:50,620 --> 00:13:53,280
'Well, SHE should be so lucky!'
194
00:13:53,280 --> 00:13:58,280
"I Should Be So Lucky" by Kylie.
The classic!
195
00:14:00,800 --> 00:14:06,400
Contraception. Why didn't I think
of contraception?
196
00:14:06,400 --> 00:14:10,100
'You a Kylie fan, Vicar?
Of course.
197
00:14:10,100 --> 00:14:14,680
'Though I like more "grrr!"
Less "ooh!"
198
00:14:14,680 --> 00:14:20,280
'And Madonna? I'm a fan of both -
the real one AND Jesus' mother.
199
00:14:21,460 --> 00:14:24,900
'Now it's Ruby Turner...
200
00:14:24,900 --> 00:14:27,340
'And we pray that David Horton
201
00:14:27,340 --> 00:14:32,320
stops playing golf long enough
to DO something for our village.
202
00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:36,640
'We're not going to talk any more
203
00:14:36,640 --> 00:14:42,660
'about David Horton... And his
abject failure to give us a bus service.'
204
00:14:44,900 --> 00:14:48,960
You were very good.
Thanks, Alice.
205
00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:53,580
You've got a special radio voice.
Have I? Yes!
206
00:14:53,580 --> 00:14:57,640
You put on a bit of an Irish accent.
I do?! Yes.
207
00:14:57,640 --> 00:15:02,680
And a lovely, motherly tone when you
did that lemon meringue recipe.
208
00:15:05,500 --> 00:15:08,200
Did I mention the buses at all?
209
00:15:08,200 --> 00:15:10,920
Not as much as I'd expected.
210
00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:16,240
Alice, you spent the afternoon
listening to Gloria Hunniford.
211
00:15:18,540 --> 00:15:20,060
Oh!
212
00:15:25,500 --> 00:15:27,960
Excuse me!
213
00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:34,260
What's going on here? We heard you
on the radio and we've got a plan. Placards, please.
214
00:15:34,260 --> 00:15:35,860
Right!
215
00:15:35,860 --> 00:15:38,520
Wrong way round, Frank.
216
00:15:41,420 --> 00:15:48,600
After much discussion and debate,
we've decided that Mr Horton is a total BLEEP!
217
00:15:48,600 --> 00:15:54,680
No, no, no, no. That's right.
So we want YOU to stand for the elections.
218
00:15:54,680 --> 00:15:57,300
Ridiculous! I'm not a candidate,
219
00:15:57,300 --> 00:16:04,600
and the only official organisations
I belong to are The Tufty Club and Take That Anonymous.
220
00:16:04,600 --> 00:16:07,200
We've worked out a campaign song.
221
00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:11,420
Don't you argue, don't you bicker!
Vote for Gerry!
222
00:16:11,420 --> 00:16:15,580
She's our vicar!
223
00:16:15,580 --> 00:16:22,180
Owen's been working
on a dirty tricks campaign, in case anything turns nasty.
224
00:16:22,180 --> 00:16:26,220
That's right.
We've got alternative placards.
225
00:16:35,500 --> 00:16:38,120
And an alternative song.
226
00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:43,220
"In the old days, you'd vote for
Horton 'cos you thought you oughta.
227
00:16:43,220 --> 00:16:49,280
"But remember,
he's not only had your votes, he's also had your daughter."
228
00:16:50,500 --> 00:16:53,120
Have you told anyone about this?
229
00:16:53,120 --> 00:16:55,560
Everyone.
Everyone!
230
00:16:55,560 --> 00:17:00,760
He's as doomed as a virgin
on a date with Rod Stewart. You win!
231
00:17:00,760 --> 00:17:02,540
Nonsense!
232
00:17:02,540 --> 00:17:05,260
D'you really think so?
233
00:17:06,520 --> 00:17:08,140
Ahem!
234
00:17:08,580 --> 00:17:11,980
Will you be voting
for Councillor Horton?
235
00:17:11,980 --> 00:17:15,960
Horton? H-O-R-T-O-N?
Yes.
236
00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:19,040
Can he depend on YOUR vote?
No.
237
00:17:19,040 --> 00:17:23,360
He's jolly nice.
I am voting for the vicar.
238
00:17:23,360 --> 00:17:27,500
Oh, right. Well...
she's jolly nice, too.
239
00:17:32,300 --> 00:17:34,940
Hello, David. Something wrong?
240
00:17:34,940 --> 00:17:37,500
Yes. There IS a tiny hiccup.
241
00:17:41,620 --> 00:17:48,840
I'll suffer the worst election
defeat since Enoch Powell stood in Brixton on the "whites only" ticket.
242
00:17:48,840 --> 00:17:51,500
Know who they're voting for?
243
00:17:51,500 --> 00:17:55,720
Is it that charming Mr Smewen?
Bad complexion...
244
00:17:55,720 --> 00:17:59,220
Not Smewen.
They're all voting for YOU.
245
00:17:59,220 --> 00:18:01,800
ME? Little me?
246
00:18:01,800 --> 00:18:05,920
Silly little me and my dog collar?
Surely not!
247
00:18:05,920 --> 00:18:12,000
Actually, I HAD heard a rumour.
But I ignored it because you are SO popular.
248
00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:15,100
Anyway,
I didn't think I could stand.
249
00:18:15,100 --> 00:18:19,740
If Gyles Brandreth can stand
for parliament, who knows what's legal.
250
00:18:19,740 --> 00:18:21,540
Well...
251
00:18:21,540 --> 00:18:24,460
if this is happening,
252
00:18:24,460 --> 00:18:30,580
if every nitwit in this mad
village IS going to vote for little old me,
253
00:18:30,580 --> 00:18:36,100
it's a looney turn of events, cos
I don't want to be a councillor.
254
00:18:36,100 --> 00:18:38,520
I'm glad.
255
00:18:38,520 --> 00:18:43,900
So I'll have to advise
my supporters who to vote for.
256
00:18:43,900 --> 00:18:48,960
Mmm! Well! On the one hand,
we've got Kevin Smewen,
257
00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:53,560
short, face like an international
spot convention
258
00:18:53,560 --> 00:18:56,200
BUT with a very good heart.
259
00:18:56,200 --> 00:18:59,460
On the other hand...
260
00:18:59,460 --> 00:19:01,440
Oh, dear!
261
00:19:01,440 --> 00:19:05,580
Obviously,
I SHOULD speak to Clearasil Kev.
262
00:19:05,580 --> 00:19:10,260
But if we could come
to some arrangement...
263
00:19:10,260 --> 00:19:14,980
if I could run a few policy changes
up the flagpole and see if you salute them,
264
00:19:14,980 --> 00:19:18,240
undress a few ideas, see if you
get into bed and BLEEP 'em,
265
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:22,400
well, maybe, just MAYBE we could
come to some accommodation.
266
00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:27,260
How does that grab you?
What do you have in mind?
267
00:19:27,260 --> 00:19:29,800
Well, diddy!
268
00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:35,200
We could visit some constituents,
make a few election promises.
269
00:19:53,480 --> 00:19:55,360
Vicar!
270
00:19:55,360 --> 00:19:57,920
Mr Horton. Hello...
271
00:19:57,920 --> 00:19:59,820
Letitia.
272
00:19:59,820 --> 00:20:04,960
I thought I'd see if there was
anything we Tories can do for you.
273
00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:07,880
Lovely. You're just in time for tea.
274
00:20:07,880 --> 00:20:09,600
Splendid.
275
00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:12,140
Another slice?
276
00:20:12,140 --> 00:20:19,800
Oh. Yes. Who would have thought
that raspberry and roast potato would make a tasty combination?
277
00:20:21,660 --> 00:20:27,960
Vicar? Eh...no. I won't.
I wouldn't want to deprive David of thirds!
278
00:20:29,580 --> 00:20:33,880
Let's see, you mentioned a bus
for the W.I.
279
00:20:33,880 --> 00:20:39,980
Oh, yes.
Every year, Mildred and I ask for a small grant for a bus.
280
00:20:39,980 --> 00:20:42,720
Every year we get turned down.
281
00:20:42,720 --> 00:20:47,060
Madness! I believe
in the Women's Institute.
282
00:20:47,060 --> 00:20:53,760
If the sex change operation
were cheaper, I'd become a woman in order to join
283
00:20:53,760 --> 00:20:58,760
that fabulous organisation.
Mmm. Parsnip brownie?
284
00:20:58,760 --> 00:21:04,360
Bliss! I promise you,
we will make that grant,
285
00:21:04,360 --> 00:21:10,660
provided I get elected.
I'll be voting for you. If that's all right by you.
286
00:21:10,660 --> 00:21:13,940
Yes. Splendid. We must be going.
287
00:21:15,160 --> 00:21:17,780
Jim, my old mate, how are you?
288
00:21:17,780 --> 00:21:21,820
I was just taking a little nap.
In your mac?
289
00:21:21,820 --> 00:21:24,580
No, no, no, no. Yes.
290
00:21:24,580 --> 00:21:28,580
We've got this leak in the bedroom,
you see.
291
00:21:28,580 --> 00:21:31,380
That's what I wanted to talk about.
292
00:21:31,380 --> 00:21:38,180
The Tories are determined
to wipe out all bedroom leaks by the end of next year.
293
00:21:38,180 --> 00:21:40,780
No, no, no. Oh, good news.
294
00:21:40,780 --> 00:21:43,460
Just let me tell the wife. Doris!
295
00:21:43,980 --> 00:21:46,540
Are you busy?
296
00:21:46,540 --> 00:21:51,040
Yes, yes, yes, yes. No.
David Horton...
297
00:21:51,040 --> 00:21:53,600
and the vicar.
298
00:21:53,600 --> 00:22:00,380
Yes, yes, yes. YES.
Do they want to come in? No, no, no. Haven't asked them!
299
00:22:00,380 --> 00:22:04,600
Have you got a pot on?
Yes, yes, yes, yes. No!
300
00:22:04,600 --> 00:22:09,480
I CAN put one on.
Would you like some tea?
301
00:22:09,480 --> 00:22:14,560
Mr Horton, did I ever tell you
about the time I went to the pub
302
00:22:14,560 --> 00:22:18,820
and they'd completely run out
of crisps?
303
00:22:18,820 --> 00:22:20,640
Ohh!
304
00:22:20,640 --> 00:22:27,800
That was MY reaction! Pork
scratchings, they had hundreds! Peanuts, lots.
305
00:22:27,800 --> 00:22:30,340
But crisps, not one.
306
00:22:30,340 --> 00:22:33,340
I mean, not a SINGLE one.
307
00:22:33,340 --> 00:22:38,180
I don't know why
you haven't told me this before!
308
00:22:38,180 --> 00:22:44,660
You think THAT'S a great story!
What about the time when the milkman was late?!
309
00:22:44,660 --> 00:22:51,360
As much as I'd love to listen
to these riveting tales, I must go.
310
00:22:51,360 --> 00:22:58,820
But I want to assure you that if
you vote for me, within 6 months, buses will run through Dibley
311
00:22:58,820 --> 00:23:03,860
twice a week. Ahem! Day. Ahem!
Hour. I think it's only right.
312
00:23:03,860 --> 00:23:07,640
Oh, that's VERY good news.
Splendid.
313
00:23:10,420 --> 00:23:17,980
I declare David Horton
returned as the district councillor for Dibley and Whitworth.
314
00:23:19,540 --> 00:23:22,220
CHEERS
315
00:23:22,220 --> 00:23:24,420
Thank you!
316
00:23:24,420 --> 00:23:30,600
I'm proud to carry the conservative
commitment to Europe further than ever before.
317
00:23:30,600 --> 00:23:37,900
Dibley will be twinned with,
not one...or two... but every single country in Europe!
318
00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:44,780
Except Belgium!
CHEERING
319
00:23:44,780 --> 00:23:49,100
Come in! Join the celebrations!
Thanks.
320
00:23:49,100 --> 00:23:51,820
It's a bit of a poor turnout.
321
00:23:51,820 --> 00:23:59,100
Father got tempted away
by Tory cronies. But Bruno and I are having a ripping time.
322
00:23:59,100 --> 00:24:01,880
Lovely! Twiglet?
323
00:24:01,880 --> 00:24:06,900
Please! No, thanks.
I think they taste like dog poo.
324
00:24:07,620 --> 00:24:09,920
They do!
325
00:24:09,920 --> 00:24:12,600
I've got high hopes for your dad.
326
00:24:12,600 --> 00:24:17,780
Scratch that crusty surface
and you find a kind-hearted man.
327
00:24:17,780 --> 00:24:22,220
Attractive
to a certain kind of lady.
328
00:24:22,220 --> 00:24:26,220
It's a shame there aren't more
bald women.
329
00:24:26,220 --> 00:24:30,700
Any other business?
Yes. Regarding the elections.
330
00:24:30,700 --> 00:24:36,620
You'll be getting MY vote.
Frank, the election was YESTERDAY.
331
00:24:36,620 --> 00:24:41,980
Ohh! I'd like to congratulate
our new councillor.
332
00:24:44,140 --> 00:24:49,660
Particularly in light
of the promises he made! Well...
333
00:24:49,660 --> 00:24:56,160
Unfortunately, I've been
scrutinising our local finances, and I fear
334
00:24:56,160 --> 00:25:02,120
that it is unlikely we will have
the funds for, well...
335
00:25:02,120 --> 00:25:06,740
the Women's Institute
or a bus service. What?!
336
00:25:06,740 --> 00:25:13,560
I'm sorry. You will, of course,
have the chance to express your dissatisfaction,
337
00:25:13,560 --> 00:25:16,200
democratically, on October 4th.
338
00:25:16,200 --> 00:25:18,300
1999.
339
00:25:18,300 --> 00:25:23,660
Thank you. Excuse me, I have to
go and greet a foreign visitor.
340
00:25:23,660 --> 00:25:26,300
On behalf of you all, of course.
341
00:25:29,900 --> 00:25:32,500
I vote we kill him.
342
00:25:33,580 --> 00:25:36,120
No, no, no, no.
343
00:25:36,120 --> 00:25:38,700
So do I.
344
00:25:38,700 --> 00:25:41,340
I could poison him, if you like.
345
00:25:41,340 --> 00:25:43,980
No-one would ever know.
346
00:25:44,520 --> 00:25:50,200
No. It's too quick. Too merciful.
I think we should stretch it out.
347
00:25:50,200 --> 00:25:53,760
Hit him where it really hurts.
348
00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:56,520
Actually increased my majority.
349
00:25:56,520 --> 00:26:01,640
Good news. So, the twinning visits
will continue. Absolutely.
350
00:26:01,640 --> 00:26:06,720
You'll enjoy the golf here.
The villagers don't really play,
351
00:26:06,720 --> 00:26:10,660
so it's like having my own course.
Morning!
352
00:26:10,660 --> 00:26:13,160
Good shot,
353
00:26:13,160 --> 00:26:17,560
Mrs Ballesteros!
Be hard to match THAT one!
354
00:26:17,560 --> 00:26:21,820
What are YOU doing here?
Playing golf...
355
00:26:21,820 --> 00:26:24,540
on our PUBLIC golf course.
356
00:26:24,540 --> 00:26:26,500
Damn!
357
00:26:26,500 --> 00:26:31,800
Looks like we'll be here a while.
What shot are you on, Mrs C?
358
00:26:31,800 --> 00:26:34,300
Hundred and eleven.
359
00:26:35,480 --> 00:26:41,560
Great value, golf.
Every hole is practically an hour's entertainment.
360
00:26:42,240 --> 00:26:44,980
Oh, my God! Sorry, Vicar!
361
00:26:44,980 --> 00:26:49,060
A few little holes
never did anyone any harm.
362
00:26:49,060 --> 00:26:52,220
We'll go on to the second.
Good idea.
363
00:26:52,220 --> 00:26:58,380
You can join Alice and Hugo.
The rest of the W.I. are on holes 3-12.
364
00:26:58,380 --> 00:27:05,140
Can I just say, David,
this is a wonderful facility. Bonjour, monsieur!
365
00:27:05,140 --> 00:27:11,660
Our pensioners could be out here
playing every day. Watch out, Woosnam!
366
00:27:12,140 --> 00:27:15,020
Fantastically good shot, Frank!
367
00:27:15,020 --> 00:27:21,780
That'll soon be a bunker!
We might have money for a bus service after all.
368
00:27:21,780 --> 00:27:28,060
I'll need to use
one of these heavy wooden clubs. Prepare the ground...
369
00:27:29,180 --> 00:27:35,860
And maybe a coach for the W.I.
Perhaps I could come round and discuss it.
370
00:27:35,860 --> 00:27:42,420
Tea-time tomorrow? Perhaps not tea.
Lunch. I've got a lovely tripe salad.
371
00:27:42,420 --> 00:27:45,460
Actually, I AM free at tea-time.
372
00:27:45,460 --> 00:27:49,900
Splendid! That's enough golf
for one day.
373
00:27:49,900 --> 00:27:52,660
Don't see what you see in it, David.
374
00:27:54,820 --> 00:27:57,500
It's so easy!
375
00:27:58,540 --> 00:28:03,580
Surely goodness and mercy
376
00:28:03,580 --> 00:28:09,780
Shall follow me
All the days of my life
377
00:28:09,780 --> 00:28:15,580
And dwe-e-e-e-e-ell
378
00:28:15,580 --> 00:28:21,580
In the hou-u-u-u-u-use
Of the Lo-o-o-o-o-ord forever
379
00:28:24,520 --> 00:28:26,500
Forever.
380
00:28:28,480 --> 00:28:31,560
A short one. Two nuns in a bath.
381
00:28:31,560 --> 00:28:34,840
One says, "Where's the soap?"
382
00:28:34,840 --> 00:28:37,640
The other one says, "Yes, it does."
383
00:28:37,640 --> 00:28:39,360
Yes!
384
00:28:39,360 --> 00:28:41,380
Alice,
385
00:28:41,380 --> 00:28:46,720
I'm surprised you got that.
Very funny, that. Why?
386
00:28:46,720 --> 00:28:49,620
One of the nuns is deaf, isn't she?
387
00:28:49,620 --> 00:28:57,140
One says, "Where's the soap?"
The other one mishears her. Thinks she said something else.
388
00:28:57,140 --> 00:29:02,340
The other one says, "Yes, it does."
That's right, innit? Yes.
389
00:29:02,340 --> 00:29:07,460
You should tell that one
to your gran. Yeah!
390
00:30:47,200 --> 00:30:49,240
"In the Hall
of the Mountain King"
391
00:30:58,040 --> 00:31:00,520
Escape
to Mutiny Bay,
392
00:31:00,660 --> 00:31:02,040
the new pirate land
393
00:31:02,200 --> 00:31:04,100
at Alton Towers Resort.
394
00:31:07,940 --> 00:31:09,940
There are some wrinkles
that age you more than others.
395
00:31:10,940 --> 00:31:12,160
That are noticeable,
396
00:31:12,760 --> 00:31:13,320
even from a distance.
397
00:31:14,820 --> 00:31:16,120
I call them deep-set wrinkles.
398
00:31:16,500 --> 00:31:17,280
Discover:
399
00:31:20,800 --> 00:31:21,000
..enriched with:
400
00:31:23,640 --> 00:31:25,400
Now, even close-up,
my wrinkles appear reduced
401
00:31:25,900 --> 00:31:26,520
and my face looks softer.
402
00:31:26,860 --> 00:31:28,320
And all this makes me look younger.
403
00:31:33,000 --> 00:31:34,280
Ready for
your close-up?
404
00:31:35,040 --> 00:31:35,720
Because you're worth it.
405
00:32:07,160 --> 00:32:09,640
No one torture-tests clothes
like kids do,
406
00:32:09,820 --> 00:32:12,060
and these little monkeys
are even hiding stains.
407
00:32:12,220 --> 00:32:13,140
Oh, kids!
408
00:32:13,320 --> 00:32:15,560
You need new Vanish Oxi Action
Intelligence.
409
00:32:15,780 --> 00:32:18,680
One scoop in every wash
could StainInsure your laundry.
410
00:32:18,880 --> 00:32:20,480
- Prove it.
- Watch this.
411
00:32:21,980 --> 00:32:23,860
Intelligent stain
seekers search out
412
00:32:24,100 --> 00:32:26,200
and help remove
the toughest stains,
413
00:32:26,400 --> 00:32:28,180
even those you might
not have spotted.
414
00:32:28,380 --> 00:32:30,360
- See?
- Wow, that's incredible!
415
00:32:30,520 --> 00:32:31,240
(sighs)
416
00:32:31,440 --> 00:32:33,240
You can't hide
anything from Mum now.
417
00:32:41,120 --> 00:32:45,560
She was the kind of woman
who loved to be seduced.
418
00:32:46,520 --> 00:32:49,880
And she couldn't resist temptation.
419
00:32:51,680 --> 00:32:53,740
She longed for passion,
420
00:32:53,740 --> 00:32:54,980
excitement,
421
00:32:56,460 --> 00:33:02,200
and the enticing fragrance of new
Lenor Black Diamond and Lotus Flower
422
00:33:02,200 --> 00:33:04,220
Be seduced
423
00:33:04,220 --> 00:33:05,940
By new Lenor Infusions
424
00:34:40,140 --> 00:34:45,180
The Lord is my shepherd
I shall not want
425
00:34:45,180 --> 00:34:49,860
He maketh me
To lie down In green pastures
426
00:34:49,860 --> 00:34:55,020
He lea-a-a-a-deth me
427
00:34:55,020 --> 00:34:59,840
By sti-i-i-ill waters.
428
00:35:10,020 --> 00:35:14,680
You know that stuff they're selling
at the local shop? Which stuff? I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.
429
00:35:14,730 --> 00:35:19,280
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