All language subtitles for Upstart Crow s03e02 Wild Laughter In The Throat Of Death.eng

- Corrected by darthfrede -
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A toast!
To my dad, John Shakespeare,

gentleman at last!

And anyone who says I ain't,

I'll whack 'em on the bum
with my heraldic shield!

We've finally got our coat of arms!

I am a pamperloin once more,
as I was in the house of my father.

No longer the wife of a
grotsome old barfing-hog,

for now I be married to a gentleman.
Oh!

I still can't quite believe it.

Chief Herald Greene swore
he'd do anything to deny us.

Ah.
But that was before the Queen saw

my big midsummer donkey-gag play.

She loved it and decreed that
only the son of a gentleman

could have writ such wit,
and thus has she made me posh.

But, master,
you've always railed and ranted

against how the pamperloins and
folderols are on top in England

just because they're posh.

Yes, Bottom, but that was before

I managed to weasel my way into the club.
Now I'm posh myself,

I see the English class system
is entirely appropriate,

my own elevation wholly merited

and those beneath me a bunch
of feckless, undeserving oiks.

I wish I could have been
there to see Greene's face,

but can't risk going out in public.

Too many knives sharpened, too many
musket balls with my name on them.

Really, Kit?
I knew you were lying a bit low,

but you're in real danger?

Mortal, mate.
The whole spy gig's

gone completely
puffling pants-shaped.

The Crown suspects me
of being a double agent.

My own fault.
I keep getting pisslingtoned

and forgetting which
near-identical branch

of the same religion we're
supposed to hunt down and kill.

Well, yes, it is confusing.

Which has not gone down well with
the God-prodding pure-titties,

who also accuse me
of being an atheist.

I mean, in truth, Will, I'm in so
much danger, I'd be better off dead.

Cheers.

[GIGGLING]

Eh-up, the girls are back.
Sounds like they've had a good time, too.

It was good of Kate to take
our Sue out sightseeing.

Well, who better to show her
all London's spiritual treasures

than a studious, sober,
serious-minded girl like Kate?

Oh, my giggly goodly godlingtons!

We have bought so much craplington!

Look at this brilliant shirting vest, Dad,
with a comical motif stitched upon it.

"My friend hath visited London and

"all I gotteth be this
stupid under-shirting."

Isn't it brilliant?

And look at all these
sweet London souvenirs.

A little severed head of
a traitor on a key chain.

A little incinerated Catholic
martyr on a key chain.

A little rotting plague
corpse on a key chain.

A little country maid
who had journeyed here

in search of honest work

but within six weeks has become
a toothless pox-ridden prostitute

on a key chain.

Thanks very much, Kate.
I think we get the gist.

Right, you lot,
if you'd like to start packing up,

I'm sure Dad's busy.

Yes, wife, 'tis true,
I am terribly pushed just now.

Mine sublime big donkey-gag
play has been such a smasheroo

that Burbage demands I
write another comedy,

yet I have not a
comic idea in my head.

That's never stopped you before.

His comedy made you a gentleman.

Now, come on,
let's get out of his hair.

Yeah, what there is of it.

Which is, in fact, a lot, daughter.

The impression of thinning
is a trick of the light

caused by my unusually shiny scalp.

You're bald, son.

Own it.

I apologise to no man!

[IN POSH VOICE]
Especially now I'm very, very posh

and terribly refined,
and quite the thing, don't you know?

Watch out below, don't you know?!

[URINATES]

Shakespeare!
Shakespeare!

Shakespeare!

That oiksome oaf is ever a thorn

in my soft and tender
botty-buttocks.

'Tis against all natural order
that a man of such lowly stock

be permitted to rise
to a gentleman's rank.

This Shakespeare must be destroyed.

But how...

when Gloriana herself hath smiled

upon him because of his
big donkey-gag play?

Well...

If I cannot stop his genius,

then perchance there is a way

to deny him credit for it.

Mm-hm!
I begin to see my way.

Mr Shakespeare, confused am I.

You say you have no
ideas for a comedy,

and yet I know you have been
hard at work at one for ages.

And from what you've read us,

I believe it will be your
greatest gag-fest yet.

Comedy, child?
I've writ no new comedy.

Yes, you have.
The one you keep telling us about.

The one about the
Prince of Denmark.

- You mean Hamlet?
- Hilarious central character!

Pure genius.

A grumpy, whiny,
self-important student

who does up absolutely
zero coursework

and will not get over himself!

I just love it!

Get a job, you useless bastable.

He's like,
"I'm a prince and I live in a castle,

"and I'm really, really rich,
but I'm also really, really sad."

"I've got parent issues,
and nobody understands me,

"and I'm just, like, questioning
the whole point of my existence!"

"I think I might kill myself!"
"Except maybe I won't."

- "Maybe I will."
- "Maybe I won't."

"Maybe I will."

Just do it, you selfish arsingmongel!
Nobody cares!

I mean, what is his problem?

His problem is that he is
being haunted by his father,

who was murdered by his uncle,
who is sleeping with his mother!

[ALL LAUGH HYSTERICALLY]

I know!

Talk about a dysfunctional family!

It's just brilliant for comedy!

For me, it's the structure
which is so original.

At the start his dad says,
"Avenge me!"

And Hamlet says, "On it, Dad.
I will avenge you right away."

But then he doesn't.

For five flipping acts!

Honestly, Mr S,
you are amazing!

Creating a vain, entitled,

self-obsessed,
procrastinating crybaby

who's taken up permanent
residence in his own arsington!

I imagine it could
have been centuries

before someone came up with a
comedy around a person like that.

But it's supposed to be tragic!

And it is.

As in, "Oh, my God,
that bloke is just tragic!"

My favourite bit is the
mini-farce at the end.

Mini-farce at the end?!

The death scene.

Oh, it's so over the top you must
have needed a ladder to write that!

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

I'll get it.

My Hamlet is not a comedy!

It is a forensically astute journey

into the tortured heart
of the human soul!

Its fearless examination of the
agonising reality of existence

is searingly perceptive.
Particularly the death scene!

Will, come on, please!
The Hamlet death scene? Forensically astute?

Fearlessly realistic?

You are pulling my plonkington.

I am not pulling your plonkington.

Hamlet's death scene is the
greatest and most convincing scene

I have ever written.

An 18-page masterclass on the
true nature of life and death!

However, since Burbage requires
a light and whimsical comedy,

I must set aside my
tragic masterpiece

and search for an idea elsewhere.

I found this note under the door.

Ouch.

Well, that's a bit worrying,
what with London seething with people

who would long to see my gutlings
spilled from my quartered body.

Gutlings spilled from
your quartered body, Kit?

Can things really be
as serious as that?

You know how it is.
Live by the sword, die by the sword.

Well, obviously, I know, Kit.

'Twas I that coined the phrase...
in...

in my Richard, I think,

or possibly a random Henry.
A lot of swords in those.

But definitely one of mine.

Why then, Mr Shakespeare,
call the watch!

Appeal to the Privy Council!

Cry, "Foul and naughty tricks!"

for I fear you have
been plagiarised.

Plagiarised? By whom?
Who's stealing my biggies?

Name this thieving bastable!

The Apostle Matthew.

The swine!
And him a man of God!

Mr Shakespeare, "he who lives by
the sword shall die by the sword"

is in the Bible.

Really?
Are you sure?

Yes.

Matthew, chapter 26, verse 52.

Although, interestingly,
he didn't come up with it either.

A form of the phrase first appears
in the Ancient Greek play Agamemnon

by the immortal
dramatist Aeschylus.

Well, if the Apostle Matthew
can pinch it, then so can I.

Yes, Kit, definitely one of mine!

And so do I continue my private
task of sowing confusion

about what I actually wrote and
what people merely think I did.

Until the day dawns when people
in their ignorance and vanity

will attribute any
archaic-sounding truism to me

in the certitude that it
might easily have been me,

and if it wasn't,
no-one will know the diff.

Thus will I eventually get credit

for inventing the
entire English language.

So, shove that up your Canterbury Tales,
Geoffrey Chaucer!

This is interesting.
It's from Robert Greene.

He is organising an intellectual
salon of London's foremost writers.

They intend to retreat to the
country for... Get this!...

A whole year,
forswearing all rumpy-pumpington

and, instead,
discussing Roman philosophy

far from the distracting
company of women.

Eheu, feminae tam stultae
sunt ut de philosophia

Romana disputare nequeat.

What was that, Kate?

I know it, of course,
but for Bottom's sake.

It's Latin for,
"How sad that women are too stupid

"to discuss Roman philosophy."

Well, yes, it is a shame,
but there you go.

No point crying about it.
Birds are thick. Can't change nature.

Get over it.

Anyway, this is great news.

I mean, normally I wouldn't go
within 100 miles of a no-sex salon,

but with every man's
hand against me,

this could be the perfect place
to hide until the heat's off.

And great news for me, too, Kit.

A posh boys' literary retreat
is just the place I need

to come up with an idea for
this comedy which eludes me.

But, Mr Shakespeare, a whole year
forswearing rumpy-pumpington?

Won't your wife object?

I don't think Anne will mind
missing out on one bonk, Kate.

She's...

She's not a sex maniac.

Botsky, pack my bags.

Hang on, Will,
the invitation's just to me.

Outrage!

London's daintiest poets
assemble and I'm excluded?!

They might as well have a
gathering of jungle beasts

and not invite the lion!

Of Greek gods and not invite Zeus!

Of pie fillings and not
invite steak and kidney!

- I'd have said chicken and mushroom.
- Ham and leek for me. King of pies.

You're crazy.
Apple and blackberry.

Oh, well,
if we're allowed sweet fillings...

Are we allowed sweet fillings at
this pie-gathering metaphor, Will?

No, I think only savoury.

Look, it doesn't matter!

The point is that,

yet again, pamperloins and folderols
are snooting their cocks at me!

Well, I shall create
my own country salon.

Bottom, pack my bags!

We're off to Stratters,
where I shall write a great comedy.

Or you could just give them Hamlet,
save us a trip.

Hamlet is not a comedy!

[ALL LAUGH]

Water only, if you please,
Mistress Lucy,

for we are here to discuss the
forming of a literary salon.

A literary salon?
Hm!

What in the name of Mufasa,
the legendary lion king,

and his playful son,
Simba, is that?

An intellectual grouping
where all who attend

will live lives of mental
strength and resilience,

forswearing all rumpy-pumpington
for a whole year.

Ah-ah-eh-eh. Such tests are
also common in African culture.

When it is time for a young
Masai warrior to become a man,

he herds cattle all alone for many,
many days,

then he allows himself
to be circumcised

by a crazy old fool with no medical
training using a stone tool.

Thus proving mental
strength and resilience?

Thus proving that all men are idiots,
wherever they come from. Hm.

Foolish, heathen woman.

But now she hath removed
herself from our conversation

will I speak my darkest thoughts.

This country salon is a ploy,
a trick,

part of an ingenious plot

to destroy William Shakespeare.

Are we to lure him into the
country to kill him, Mr Greene?

I fear, Sir Francis,
that killing him is no longer enough.

'Tis not the man we must
destroy but his reputation.

But how?
Shakespeare is the man of the hour.

Exactly, Your Grace, but I speak not
of hours, nor days, nor yet years,

but decades, centuries, even.

For today we begin to
sow the seeds of doubt

that will make people question

whether Shakespeare ever
wrote his plays at all.

And the first step in my plan

is to kill...
not Shakespeare...

but Marlowe.

Don't ask!
Simply do not ask!

Good journey, love?

Well, I did say, "Don't ask,"
but since you have asked,

no, I did not have a good journey!

Not only was it dirty,
uncomfortable and delayed,

but also it turns out I paid three
shillings more for our tickets

than anybody else on the coach.

How did you manage that, son?

How, Mum? Because in my madness,
my utter insanity,

I bought my coach ticket
at the coach station

on the day I wanted
to get on a coach.

A ridiculous thing to do,
of course,

as I discovered when
we got mired in mud.

Heavy downpour near Leamington Spa.

Because, obviously, there's never
been rain in the Midlands before,

so how could the
geniuses that manage

the coaching infrastructure
possibly have expected mud?

Anyway, talk amongst the stranded
travellers turned to ticket pricing,

and, oh, what a labyrinthine
maze of satanic complexity

was then revealed!

First to speak was a goodly matron

who had bought an off-peak
super family savington.

Booked prior to the
day of departure

and valid only on certain services.

For this she had paid tuppence.

Well, an off-peak family concession
sounds like a reasonable idea.

Then piped up a rank and stinking
yeoman who had spent but a penny

on a nontransferable
specialington savey-savey,

purchased no less than
a week before travel

and accepted only on
coaches that depart

between the hours of
10 and 11 each morning.

Well, travelling when the
service is less busy would help.

Finally,
spake a stern and warty spinster

who had paid a farthing

for a double-discount
cut-rate supesome-dupesome,

savey-wavey, chips-and-gravy,
age-concession, off-peaky-weaky,

purchased in a previous life
and valid only on coaches

where the driver's
middle name was Gerald!

I am not a soothsayer.
I am not Nostradamus!

He'd have been all right,
wouldn't he?

As well as predicting the end of days
and the coming of the Antichrist,

he could have foreseen
that on some specific date

in the dim and distant future,
he'd want a return ticket to Chipping Norton!

But what are you doing home,
anyway, love?

We left London so you could
get on with your new comedy.

I find I crave the peace
of the country, wife.

In fact, I'm convening a
country literary salon.

Greene invited me to his,
but I told him,

"Just because I'd
been made gentleman

"doesn't mean I want to hang out
with you snootish pamperloins."

You mean they didn't invite you.

No, they bloomin' well didn't,
but if they had,

that's definitely what
I would have told them.

You've got to use your anger,
Dad, empower yourself.

Write a comedy about
a literary salon.

Do a play about a bunch of stupid
posh boys who are so up themselves

they give up sex so they
can study Roman philosophy.

Well, I agree,
it's not a bad set-up,

but I couldn't stretch
it across five acts.

Well, you've got to work it up a bit.

How about once they've come
up with the no-sex rule,

some hot babes turn up?

[HE CLEARS THROAT]
As I was about to say,

the way to make it work would be
to have some hot babes turn up.

Tell me a bit more of
what I was about to say.

Obviously, the snooty posh boys
are gagging for the hot babes,

but they're stuck with
their stupid no-girls rule.

Loving it.
God, I'm good!

So, each lad has to try
and grab a girl in secret

so their mates don't find out
that they've broken the bro code.

Brilliant!
They're all covering up the same lie.

How will you end it?

I mean...
How will I end it?

I reckon, when all is revealed

and the posh boys have learnt the
lesson of their conceited ways,

the hot girls bugger off and tell
their humble suitors to wait a year

before they can cop
a bit of a feel-up.

And I've even thought
up a punch line.

Well, I must say,
it sounds like a fun idea.

Yes, and now it only
remains to crowbar in

the incomprehensible subplots
and pointless minor characters,

and I'll be done.

I knew it was too good to be true.

Master, don't go there.
You've got your plot. Just leave it be.

Don't be absurd. Pointless minor
characters and incomprehensible subplots

are my signature thing.
But people love them.

And I only expect them to get
more popular over the years.

Particularly with schoolchildren...

who will no doubt delight in being

forced to read my
plays out in class.

Imagine it. The master will hand out
all the big roles to his favourites,

and all the snotsome
grotsomes at the back

will think themselves passed over,

but then, oh, joy,
there be myriad minor characters

servicing the
incomprehensible subplot,

so they won't miss out after all.

It's like a curse on youth
ricocheting down the years.

Miss Lucy is come calling,
Mr Marlowe.

I told her Mr Shakespeare was in Stratford,
but she says she wants you.

You are in great danger,
Mr Marlowe.

Mr Greene,
Sir Francis Bacon and the Earl of Oxford

intend to lure you to
the country and kill you.

Goodness, Miss Lucy, but why?

Ah, to discredit Mr Shakespeare.

Mr Greene believes that if
you disappear mysteriously,

a theory of conspiracy
will develop,

that you went into hiding to escape
the complex world of espionage

and sexual indiscretions

- in which you were mired.
- Oh.

But you continue to
write plays in secret,

using Mr Shakespeare's
name as a cover.

Goodness. That does sound like
rather an attractive theory.

Yes. And a lot more interesting
than all those works of genius

being written by a town-school
baldy-bonce from the Midlands.

Mr Marlowe, you must not
go to this literary salon,

for if you do...
Hey!

...you will not return.

I have my new comedy and,
what's more,

I've just thought of the title.

Since it be about the effort
that goes into wooing,

I shall call it Love's Labour's.

Ooh, I quite like it.

It just feels like
it's missing something.

Maybe a third word
beginning with L.

Lampooned.

Too comical.

Kind of announces the funny.

Yeah, you don't want to lure
them in with false expectations.

How about "lanced", like a boil?

Love's Labour's Lanced?

Not bad.

Lubricated.

Goes to a slightly
weird place and...

perhaps a bit long.

It needs a nice, short,
punchy word with a touch of regret.

Got it!

- Lost.
- Licked!

Love's Labour's Licked?

It's perfect.
Licked, as in "got it licked".

The posh bird has taken
the pamperloin's love

and she's licked it.

Will!
Will!

Pardon me, all.
Just need to talk to the man.

I'm in mortal danger.
You've got to help me.

Goodness, Kit,
do you want us to hide you?

No, it's not good enough.
They'll find me.

I need to fake my own death,
and it must be utterly convincing.

We can leave nothing to chance.

No, absolutely!
This death scene has to be forensically astute.

You've got that right.

- Fearlessly realistic.
- Totally.

A masterclass on the true
nature of life and death.

I think you know
where I'm going with this.

Ah...

Gentlemen, this enforced
idleness in the country

will be worth the trouble.

With Marlowe's disappearance,

I plant the first of my
theories of conspiracy

which will dog the Crow's
reputation for all time.

The first?
Mr Greene, you have more?

Oh, yes.

Next must you, Sir Francis Bacon,

ensure that included
in your future writings

there be certain
words and punctuation

common to those used
by Mr Shakespeare.

Thus will future anally retentive,
self-important saddos

find evidence of similarity
between your works and his

and conclude that
you are Shakespeare.

But, Mr Greene, of course
there will be similarities

of words and punctuation.
We both write in English.

Exactly.

It's so conclusive,
I'm almost convinced myself.

And you, my dear Earl of Oxford,

I intend that you,
too, will one day

be thought of as
a putative author of the Crow's plays.

This is absurd, Mr Greene.

There is not one single shred of
evidence linking either Marlowe,

Bacon or myself to
Shakespeare's plays.

Exactly!

There is no evidence.

Can you think of better
proof of a cover-up?

And it begins...

with the death...

of Christopher Marlowe.

And so you see, gentlemen,

Mr Marlowe's enemies
gather for the kill,

and the only way to save him

is for the world to
believe him dead.

So, you intend we fake
Mr Marlowe's death in a fight?

Absolutely.

And, in so doing,
prove to you and sneering Kit

that my sublime
Hamlet is not a comedy

- but bitter human truth.
- Good luck with that!

We will rehearse the scene now and
perform it later in a crowded tavern.

So, to work.

Mr Marlowe arrives at
the tavern full of fury.

- Intent on killing me.
- Yes, that's right.

- You're playing his uncle, Claudius.
- Claudius? Why Claudius?

Oh, just thought it was a good name

for a murdering,
cuckolding bastable.

Ah! So he's a murdering,
cuckolding bastable, is he?

I like it!

I shall give him a stoop and
a limp for extra naturalism!

Love it. Now, Marlowe wants you
dead because you poisoned his dad.

- Tell them how, Mr Shakespeare.
- I certainly will.

He poured it in his ear.

- [ALL GIGGLE]
- I'm sorry, that's funny?

Yeah. "Oh, I want to poison my brother.
How shall I do it?

"Shall I secretly put it in his wine
or discreetly bake it in his pie?

"No, I'll pour it in his ear.

"Isn't that how everybody
poisons people?"

Actually,
I do think Mr Shakespeare is right.

Thank you, Burbage.

Yes, the odd comic detail will pique
the public interest in the case.

It is not comic,
it's cruelly poignant.

Now, having murdered Hamlet's dad...
I mean, Marlowe's dad...

Uncle Claudius is now
a-dallying with Marlowe's mum.

Mr Condell, you will play
Kit's mother, Gertrude.

Quite a challenge.
I'm horribly young for it.

Gertrude and Claudius
are flirting together

and Marlowe arrives full of fury,
bent on revenge.

I leap to my feet!

A savage,
stooped and limping villain!

We fight! He dies!
I like it!

Yes, an excellent plot.

And one I feel sure will
satisfy the authorities.

Don't be ridiculous.
That's not a death scene.

Blimey, there's only one death.

Besides which,
we need complex motivations.

Kit had a girlfriend, Ophelia,
who has been driven mad.

Trying to follow this plot.
Who said that? I did. So...

Because Kit has previously
accidentally stabbed her father.

Tell them how, Mr Shakespeare.

He was hiding behind a curtain
and Kit stabbed him by mistake.

[ALL LAUGH]

Which is not funny!

Ophelia, of course,
goes mad with grief and dies.

Tell them how, Mr Shakespeare.

She drowns in a duck pond.

[ALL GUFFAW]

There's a duck pond
in this pub, then?

The duck pond is offstage.
I mean, elsewhere.

Her death is reported

and will, in my view, one day

provide the excuse for
many pervy paintings

by dirty old artists depicting
dead nymphets in wet nighties.

But the point is,
Ophelia's death is important backstory,

because, as Kit turns up,
hellbent on confronting his wicked uncle...

Just to be clear, young Will,

how does Mr Marlowe know

that it's his uncle
who's killed his father?

Yes.
Tell them how, Mr Shakespeare.

His father's ghost told him.

[ALL GUFFAW]

Which is not funny!

So, Mr Marlowe,
plagued by his father's ghost,

has come to kill his uncle.

Just then, Laertes turns up.

That's you, Kempe.

So, Laertes?
Have I missed something?

He's Ophelia's brother,
bent on avenging his father and his sister.

So, we now have two sons
avenging their fathers?

Isn't this getting a
little confusing, Will?

How?
How is it confusing?

One of the avenging
sons is avenging

his stabbed father
and drowned sister.

And the other is avenging
his poisoned father and defiled mother.

How could that be any clearer?

- Can't think...
- So, Burbage and Condell are sitting in the pub together

having a flirt and a banter.

Oh, can I have some pickled
herrings to toy with?

I'd like a bit of business,
as I don't seem to have much in this scene.

No, Mr Condell, because I know you,

and suddenly Marlowe's death would
be all about the pickled herrings.

That's an outrageous slur!

Kit bursts in,
full of murderous fury,

but then Laertes also bursts in,
also full of murderous fury.

Kempe wounds Kit, but,
in the struggle, Kempe dies.

Tell them how, Mr Shakespeare.

By stabbing himself.

- [ALL LAUGH]
- As you do.

Condell, seeing her son wounded

and feeling a bit guilty about
rogering his uncle, also dies.

Tell them how, Mr Shakespeare.

She drinks some conveniently
placed poisoned wine.

Did she pour it in her ear?

I've heard that's the best way
to take poison.

Kit, sorely wounded but driven by vengeful fury,
stabs Burbage, who also dies.

Kit then dies as well,
before all order is restored.

Tell them how, Mr Shakespeare.

By the arrival of
the Norwegian army.

[ALL BURST OUT LAUGHING]

None of which is funny!

Master, I've terrible news.

Christopher Marlowe...
is dead.

[BELL TOLLS]

An unmarked grave.

An unmarked grave in Deptford
is all they give him.

Such a paltry memorial.

And such a paltry end.

I had prepared for him
a truly great death scenario.

But, instead, he is stabbed in the eye
in a brawl in a small room

over the reckoning of a bill.

And such were the number and variety
of his enemies at his end that...

we four are all that
come to mourn him.

Yes.
A bit disappointing, can't deny.

I was kind of hoping
for a state funeral.

- Kit!
- Shh-shh. Keep it down, mate.

I'm supposed to be dead.

But...

Aren't you dead?

No!
I got three old mates from the service

to rig a fight using
a stage dagger.

It's a plague corpse in the coffin.

But, Kit,
I was supposed to rig your death.

You asked me to help.

Yeah. Yeah, but then you wanted
to use that scene from Hamlet,

and, well...

He didn't want people to think
he'd laughed himself to death.

Still, one good thing...

With Mr Marlowe thought actually dead,
instead of mysteriously disappeared,

there be no chance that people
will imagine he lived on

and wrote under your name,
Mr Shakespeare.

Pah! People will believe
anything they want to believe.

Ancient Hindu creation
legend believes

that the world is balanced on
the back of a giant tortoise.

Ah-ah-eh-eh.

Perhaps the giant
tortoise wrote your plays.

I wrote my blooming plays!

If you say so, Mr Shakespeare.
Hm! If you say so.

So, the world thinks Marlowe's dead,

but, actually,
he's sleeping on your couch.

Well, you know,
just till he sets up a new identity

and forges a new life for himself.

Well, I can't see him
hurrying to do that, love.

Not with your ale
to quaff and pie to gorge.

Dad, I've been reading Hamlet,

and, actually, I can see why you think
it would make a great tragedy.

Really, daughter?

But I can also see why
they all laughed at it.

- Can I be honest?
- Of course...

You know, within reason.

You need to keep working on it.

I mean,
some of the lines are almost there.

Like...
"To top myself or not to top myself."

But...

I just don't think you've quite
got to the heart of Hamlet's agony.

Maybe you're just too
comfortable and content

to get inside that
kind of character.

Well,
let's hope it stays that way, eh?

Because if personal
tragedy is what it takes

to properly interpret
Hamlet's despair,

I hope your Danish
play be never finished.

Me, too.
Goodnight.

- Night.
- Night.

Well, no matter.

I've got my new
comedy written anyway.

Love's Labour's Licked.

"Lost", love.
We decided on "lost", didn't we?

Oh, yes.
That's right.

Susanna thought "licked",
but I said "lost", didn't I?

Love's Labour's Lost.

Or should it be "licked"?

- Corrected by darthfrede -
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