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1
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Ah, a toast, Will. A toast
to the age of exploration,
2
00:00:24,640 --> 00:00:25,670
and for once I'm paying.
3
00:00:25,720 --> 00:00:28,910
Every ship returning from the New
World brings riches to Albion's shore.
4
00:00:28,960 --> 00:00:30,550
Everyone's coining it in!
5
00:00:30,600 --> 00:00:34,430
You've got that right, Kit. Hmm!
I'm making plenty gold myself.
6
00:00:34,480 --> 00:00:36,910
You should get a piece of it, Will.
7
00:00:36,960 --> 00:00:39,070
Timid bull don't pleasure no cow.
8
00:00:39,120 --> 00:00:40,430
No, thank you, Lucy.
9
00:00:40,480 --> 00:00:43,430
I'm aware that the city's sharp
boys in their Italian-designed tights
10
00:00:43,480 --> 00:00:46,030
are coining it big on the
New World commodity market,
11
00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:48,590
also, that the occasional
bonus even trickles down
12
00:00:48,640 --> 00:00:51,910
to smaller investors like yourselves,
but I'm a conservative sort of bloke.
13
00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:54,830
I prefer to keep my money
in my puffling pants.
14
00:00:54,880 --> 00:00:57,550
Rubbish! You told me you were
investing in Burbage's new theatre.
15
00:00:57,600 --> 00:01:00,790
Bricks and mortar, Kit. Very
different. Solid. Respectable.
16
00:01:00,840 --> 00:01:04,870
Why invest in malodorous leaves
and tuberous root vegetables
17
00:01:04,920 --> 00:01:08,750
from a mosquito swap in north Virginia,
when you can build here in London,
18
00:01:08,800 --> 00:01:12,190
using bricks made of solid dung and straw?
19
00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:13,710
Well, it's your loss, mate.
20
00:01:13,760 --> 00:01:15,350
Robert Greene is setting up a syndicate
21
00:01:15,400 --> 00:01:16,950
to buy the cargo off the
next ship that docks.
22
00:01:17,000 --> 00:01:18,910
He needs investors and --
mmph! -- this fella's in!
23
00:01:18,960 --> 00:01:21,870
Me too. I'm saving up to buy a warship,
24
00:01:21,920 --> 00:01:25,750
so I can cruise the Ivory
Coast freeing slaves.
25
00:01:26,590 --> 00:01:27,590
I've often wondered
26
00:01:27,640 --> 00:01:29,510
how you won your own freedom, Lucy.
27
00:01:29,560 --> 00:01:32,150
Perchance I'll immortalise
the story in a play.
28
00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:35,070
I bribed my way out with a diamond ring,
29
00:01:35,120 --> 00:01:38,950
which I cut from the man who
first stole me from my home.
30
00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:41,310
Goodness! You cut off his finger?
31
00:01:41,360 --> 00:01:43,360
It wasn't on his finger.
32
00:01:45,400 --> 00:01:47,030
Thoroughly invigorating woman.
33
00:01:47,080 --> 00:01:50,070
I'd miss her if she did go
off and become a lady pirate.
34
00:01:50,120 --> 00:01:52,110
Ahh!
35
00:01:52,160 --> 00:01:54,430
Quid agis, Marlowe?
36
00:01:54,480 --> 00:01:56,150
Omne bene, gratias, Greene.
37
00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:59,670
Ni illud velum sic habis
bonum mane, Shakespeare.
38
00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:01,550
Um... um... wait, I know this.
39
00:02:01,600 --> 00:02:03,830
Ah, yes, I was forgetting.
40
00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:05,670
You speak but little Latin.
41
00:02:05,720 --> 00:02:09,430
Sad. Come, now, Marlowe. Have
you money for your investment?
42
00:02:09,480 --> 00:02:14,310
I would fain not stay a moment longer in
these immoral surroundings than I must.
43
00:02:14,360 --> 00:02:17,430
Hey! Mr Greene! Here again so soon?
44
00:02:17,480 --> 00:02:19,590
Hey! Phwoar!
45
00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:21,430
You are a naughty boy.
46
00:02:21,480 --> 00:02:23,070
I know not what you mean.
47
00:02:23,120 --> 00:02:26,190
I am here to speak to Mr Marlowe.
48
00:02:26,240 --> 00:02:29,230
'Tis true, I occasionally
visit this establishment,
49
00:02:29,280 --> 00:02:33,550
but only in order to raise up
fallen women with Bible-reading.
50
00:02:33,600 --> 00:02:36,800
It is unlike you to take
the missionary position.
51
00:02:39,280 --> 00:02:40,750
The money, Marlowe.
52
00:02:40,800 --> 00:02:42,270
Da mihi pecunia.
53
00:02:42,320 --> 00:02:44,150
Hic pecunia mea.
54
00:02:44,200 --> 00:02:45,830
Just bung that on
whatever's in the next ship.
55
00:02:45,880 --> 00:02:52,590
Mr Shakespeare, vis ad obsedendam
in unico tempores opportunitate?
56
00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:56,030
- Um... Vis -- that's "would".
- He's asking if you want to invest.
57
00:02:56,080 --> 00:02:57,870
Oh, uh, right. Well...
58
00:02:57,920 --> 00:03:00,470
Non ego... non.
59
00:03:00,520 --> 00:03:02,550
Non... quick...
60
00:03:02,600 --> 00:03:04,040
tibi...
61
00:03:05,320 --> 00:03:07,480
.. keepus cashus...
62
00:03:08,760 --> 00:03:12,190
No matter. Most of the
cargo is already sold.
63
00:03:12,240 --> 00:03:15,790
The sacks of potatoes are spoken
for, likewise the bags of tobacco.
64
00:03:15,840 --> 00:03:18,070
Before long, the only
thing left on that boat
65
00:03:18,120 --> 00:03:21,830
will be a couple of cases of
syphilis sive morbus Gallicus.
66
00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:26,110
Oh, sorry, Will. You wouldn't get it.
67
00:03:26,160 --> 00:03:27,430
Latin joke.
68
00:03:27,480 --> 00:03:29,820
Need to have gone to Cambridge.
69
00:03:32,080 --> 00:03:34,990
Deum, daem, dadum,
70
00:03:35,040 --> 00:03:37,670
dadum, dadum da bloody dum.
71
00:03:37,720 --> 00:03:39,310
It's no good, Kate.
72
00:03:39,360 --> 00:03:42,590
It won't stay in that which
supports a hat but be not a hook,
73
00:03:42,640 --> 00:03:44,430
has a crown but be not a king,
74
00:03:44,480 --> 00:03:47,110
and is fringed with hair
but be not my Bolingbrokes.
75
00:03:47,160 --> 00:03:48,550
Pardon?
76
00:03:48,600 --> 00:03:49,830
He means his head, love.
77
00:03:49,880 --> 00:03:52,470
You will, Mr Shakespeare, you will.
78
00:03:52,520 --> 00:03:55,270
You already have your
schoolboy Latin to build on.
79
00:03:55,320 --> 00:03:57,150
I taught myself from scratch.
80
00:03:57,200 --> 00:03:59,350
Yes, but I think it's easier for girls,
81
00:03:59,400 --> 00:04:03,590
their heads being
otherwise so empty that...
82
00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:05,350
that there's more room to learn things.
83
00:04:05,400 --> 00:04:07,590
Yes, because that's really logical(!)
84
00:04:07,640 --> 00:04:09,110
I don't know why you care, anyway.
85
00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:11,870
I mean, how many dead Romans are
you going to be chatting with?
86
00:04:11,920 --> 00:04:14,950
Apart from the obvious social
advantages of knowing Latin,
87
00:04:15,000 --> 00:04:18,030
all legal documents are writ
in the language of the Caesars.
88
00:04:18,080 --> 00:04:20,870
If I'm to be a theatre owner, I
must be able to read the contracts.
89
00:04:20,920 --> 00:04:22,230
Theatre owner?
90
00:04:22,280 --> 00:04:24,630
Such an exciting idea, Mr Shakespeare.
91
00:04:24,680 --> 00:04:28,270
Isn't it? Yes. Burbage must move his
productions to south of the river
92
00:04:28,320 --> 00:04:31,910
to escape the wrath of the God-prodding
pure-titties who run the city.
93
00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:34,510
Oh, I hate those
God-prodding pure-titties.
94
00:04:34,560 --> 00:04:37,270
They're so grim. There's
no singing, no dancing...
95
00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:39,470
Yes, and most crucially, no point!
96
00:04:39,520 --> 00:04:41,390
I searched the Bible in vain
97
00:04:41,440 --> 00:04:45,070
for the passage that tells us
that putting horseshoe nails
98
00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:49,110
on the inside of your codpiece will
give you a front-row cloud in heaven.
99
00:04:49,160 --> 00:04:52,910
Still, the pure-titties' righteous
fury could be the making of me,
100
00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:56,870
for Burbage has asked me to come in
with him as investor and producer.
101
00:04:56,920 --> 00:04:58,750
Such a joyful happenstance!
102
00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:00,230
And what's more,
103
00:05:00,280 --> 00:05:03,990
he has hinted that if I can but
finish my great teen romance in time,
104
00:05:04,040 --> 00:05:07,190
- it will open the new house.
- Why don't you just tell him it's finished?
105
00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:09,270
- Because it isn't.
- It is if you want it to be.
106
00:05:09,320 --> 00:05:11,310
Liberate yourself. Just stop writing.
107
00:05:11,360 --> 00:05:13,670
Put a big full stop, and you're done.
108
00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:16,950
But nothing will be concluded
of plot or character.
109
00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:19,270
Trust me, no-one will notice.
110
00:05:20,080 --> 00:05:21,910
They're not really following, anyway.
111
00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:23,710
Your plays are too long.
112
00:05:23,760 --> 00:05:27,390
I mean, Richard III was nearly
four hours. That's just wrong.
113
00:05:27,440 --> 00:05:29,390
People cheered.
114
00:05:29,440 --> 00:05:31,350
Yeah, they were glad it was over!
115
00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:32,910
Didn't you get that?
116
00:05:32,960 --> 00:05:36,150
Bottom, your barbs do bite most bitterly.
117
00:05:36,200 --> 00:05:39,150
Well, no-one else will tell you
except me. You give 'em too much.
118
00:05:39,200 --> 00:05:41,270
Kate, you don't agree with this, do you?
119
00:05:41,320 --> 00:05:43,630
Well, they are quite long, Mr Shakespeare.
120
00:05:43,680 --> 00:05:45,150
I mean, it's all great.
121
00:05:45,200 --> 00:05:47,150
It's just sometimes, less is more.
122
00:05:47,200 --> 00:05:48,670
A short play's a good play.
123
00:05:48,720 --> 00:05:52,070
You don't want Juliet's balls dropping
halfway through the balcony scene.
124
00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:53,510
Well, that's true.
125
00:05:53,560 --> 00:05:56,390
And 'tis ever a danger
with these beardless youths
126
00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:58,550
that we must employ to play the ladies.
127
00:05:58,600 --> 00:06:01,510
Of course, if an actual
girl were playing the role...
128
00:06:01,560 --> 00:06:04,110
Oh, God, here we go. Would
you let it drop, woman?
129
00:06:04,160 --> 00:06:05,230
Girls can't act.
130
00:06:05,280 --> 00:06:08,790
No, no, Bottom. I confess I'm beginning
to come round to Kate's way of thinking.
131
00:06:08,840 --> 00:06:12,430
I would love to hear my Juliet
in the true voice of a maid.
132
00:06:12,480 --> 00:06:14,470
Sadly, we're constrained by law.
133
00:06:14,520 --> 00:06:15,950
It's so frustrating!
134
00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:20,390
A woman may not disport herself on stage
for fear she be thought a trollop.
135
00:06:20,440 --> 00:06:22,070
It does seem silly, but there it is.
136
00:06:22,120 --> 00:06:24,390
If ever I am to hope to sneak
you into Burbage's company,
137
00:06:24,440 --> 00:06:27,310
it must be in disguise. You must
make him believe that you be that
138
00:06:27,360 --> 00:06:30,270
which, though it hath
teats, hath no breasts,
139
00:06:30,320 --> 00:06:33,630
and though it hath balls,
be not a game of tennis.
140
00:06:33,680 --> 00:06:36,390
- You mean a man, right?
- Yes, I mean a man.
141
00:06:36,440 --> 00:06:38,830
A bit tortured, that one,
if I'm honest, Master.
142
00:06:38,880 --> 00:06:40,910
You have to let 'em
roll and then edit later.
143
00:06:40,960 --> 00:06:43,270
Now, I must be on my way.
144
00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:45,550
I'm to meet Burbage to
discuss our great venture.
145
00:06:45,600 --> 00:06:47,830
- Let me come.
- You, Kate? How so?
146
00:06:47,880 --> 00:06:51,710
I speak Latin, I understand
compound interest.
147
00:06:51,760 --> 00:06:53,070
I can be your secretary.
148
00:06:53,120 --> 00:06:56,550
But you're a girl. Girls can't
be secretaries. It's unheard of.
149
00:06:56,600 --> 00:06:58,310
Exactly!
150
00:06:58,360 --> 00:07:00,550
And so I shall come disguised as a man,
151
00:07:00,600 --> 00:07:03,030
and if I can do that without discovery,
152
00:07:03,080 --> 00:07:06,430
then surely I can audition
as a boy to play Juliet?
153
00:07:06,480 --> 00:07:09,470
Well, I suppose I could do with
a Latin speaker on my team.
154
00:07:09,520 --> 00:07:11,590
Oh, no. I don't like this at all.
155
00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:13,230
This is just rubbish, this is.
156
00:07:13,280 --> 00:07:14,550
You have an objection, Bottom?
157
00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:17,030
Yes, I have got a flippin' objection.
158
00:07:17,080 --> 00:07:21,150
I can't read, I can't write, I own
nothing and I'm sewn into my underwear,
159
00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:24,990
but at least I've got more rights
and status than any bloomin' bird!
160
00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:27,430
You start edging women into the workplace,
161
00:07:27,480 --> 00:07:30,600
then where's that going to leave
all of us pig-ignorant blokes?
162
00:07:33,160 --> 00:07:35,390
Now, Kate, be ever vigilant.
163
00:07:35,440 --> 00:07:39,230
The tiniest mistake could see you
unmasked as a weak and timorous girlie.
164
00:07:39,280 --> 00:07:41,190
What sort of mistake? Any hints?
165
00:07:41,240 --> 00:07:44,880
Well, do not, under any
circumstances, discuss your feelings.
166
00:07:46,120 --> 00:07:47,550
Not discuss feelings?
167
00:07:47,600 --> 00:07:48,830
What do men talk about?
168
00:07:48,880 --> 00:07:50,670
Sex, beer and sport.
169
00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:52,270
On the subject of feelings,
170
00:07:52,320 --> 00:07:56,150
if a rehearsal begins, do
not cry at the sad bits,
171
00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:59,390
and if blood sports be
suggested, and a pack of dogs
172
00:07:59,440 --> 00:08:01,390
be set upon a tethered goat for fun,
173
00:08:01,440 --> 00:08:03,190
you must cry, "Kill! Kill!"
174
00:08:03,240 --> 00:08:06,710
not, "But he looks so sweet.
Why do we have to hurt him?"
175
00:08:06,760 --> 00:08:10,390
And, of course, there's the most important
factor of all in pretending to be a man.
176
00:08:10,440 --> 00:08:11,870
What's that?
177
00:08:11,920 --> 00:08:14,390
I must ne'er be seen to
perform a multitude of tasks
178
00:08:14,440 --> 00:08:16,440
all at the same moment.
179
00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:20,910
For 'tis a fact well known that men
cannot perform a multitude of tasks
180
00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:22,510
all at the same moment.
181
00:08:22,560 --> 00:08:26,350
Actually, that's a fundamental
misunderstanding on the part of you girls.
182
00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:29,710
In fact, men can perform a multitude
of tasks all at the same moment.
183
00:08:29,760 --> 00:08:32,670
We just prefer to sit
around drinking beer.
184
00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:36,630
So, Master Shakespeare, we come,
as promised, to discuss plans
185
00:08:36,680 --> 00:08:38,990
for our new theatre and... Who's this?
186
00:08:39,040 --> 00:08:43,350
Cuthbert, my secretary. A young fellow
who would make a life in the theatre.
187
00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:45,590
Wotch, you bunch of hugger-tuggers!
188
00:08:45,640 --> 00:08:47,110
Anyone get any minge last night?
189
00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:49,100
Boo-hey! I love minge.
190
00:08:52,840 --> 00:08:55,510
Seems a very pleasant fellow, Will.
191
00:08:55,560 --> 00:08:57,350
Yes, come and sit down, Cuthbert.
192
00:08:57,400 --> 00:09:00,670
Tell you what, perhaps later
on we'll go bear-baiting, eh?
193
00:09:00,720 --> 00:09:03,190
Brilliant! I certainly won't cry!
194
00:09:03,240 --> 00:09:05,350
So, Will, as you know,
195
00:09:05,400 --> 00:09:08,790
the God-prodding pure-titties in
the city have forced our company
196
00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:13,030
beyond London's walls, so we plan to
build south of the river, in Southwark.
197
00:09:13,080 --> 00:09:16,070
Yes. England's first
purpose-built theatre.
198
00:09:16,120 --> 00:09:18,550
Think of it, Burbage! We're
actually inventing the form.
199
00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:20,230
Absolutely.
200
00:09:20,280 --> 00:09:23,190
It falls upon us to lay
the very foundation stone
201
00:09:23,240 --> 00:09:25,110
of theatre architecture.
202
00:09:25,160 --> 00:09:27,120
So, a playhouse.
203
00:09:28,400 --> 00:09:29,750
What is it?
204
00:09:29,800 --> 00:09:33,190
A big space... for people to stand in.
205
00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:35,710
Yes. That's a good beginning.
206
00:09:35,760 --> 00:09:37,790
Yes. What else? What else?
207
00:09:37,840 --> 00:09:39,350
A stage at one end, probably?
208
00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:41,870
A stage, for certain. A stage.
209
00:09:41,920 --> 00:09:43,310
This is so exciting,
210
00:09:43,360 --> 00:09:46,390
and since our building will be
only for the production of plays
211
00:09:46,440 --> 00:09:50,070
and not also for boozing and bear-baiting,
as has been the custom to date,
212
00:09:50,120 --> 00:09:52,550
there's no limit to the
effects we can install!
213
00:09:52,600 --> 00:09:54,910
Traps, drapes, screens --
214
00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:59,590
with such devices great battles and
mighty tempests can be presented.
215
00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:01,380
Hmm, yeah? Really?
216
00:10:01,880 --> 00:10:04,160
Not sure.
217
00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:07,710
You have an observation to make, Kempe?
218
00:10:07,760 --> 00:10:11,430
Just saying. Battles? Tempests? Bit dated?
219
00:10:11,480 --> 00:10:14,990
Wrong thing to say? Don't
care. Said it now, so...
220
00:10:15,040 --> 00:10:16,790
Dated, Kempe?
221
00:10:16,840 --> 00:10:18,550
Not going to lie. All that shouting,
222
00:10:18,600 --> 00:10:22,870
all that, "Oh, I'm a king and my
army's all dead..." That's not relatable. That's not interesting.
223
00:10:22,920 --> 00:10:24,110
What do you suggest?
224
00:10:24,160 --> 00:10:26,310
Well, instead of setting
the big scene in a battle,
225
00:10:26,360 --> 00:10:28,790
why not set it in the
king's counting house?
226
00:10:28,840 --> 00:10:30,380
In an office?
227
00:10:31,560 --> 00:10:33,360
Observational, see?
228
00:10:34,880 --> 00:10:36,670
Minimal is the new epic.
229
00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:40,910
Yeah? Instead of having heroic
characters struggling with war and murder,
230
00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:43,950
they could all be really ordinary and
worried about really tiny things,
231
00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:46,830
like, "Ooh, did you use my
quill?" "Oh, was that your quill?"
232
00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:49,790
"Well, yeah. That was my
quill. It's got my name on it."
233
00:10:49,840 --> 00:10:51,110
"Oh, sorry."
234
00:10:51,160 --> 00:10:55,150
"Well, you can borrow it, but if you
ask, maybe. Please respect my stuff."
235
00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:57,470
That sort of thing. It'd be brilliant.
236
00:10:57,520 --> 00:10:59,190
Do shut up, Kempe.
237
00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:01,150
We must consider the auditorium too.
238
00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:03,030
We'll need a toilet, methinks.
239
00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:04,750
Will's plays be very long.
240
00:11:04,800 --> 00:11:06,030
Very, very long.
241
00:11:06,080 --> 00:11:07,910
Incredibly long. Like mad long.
242
00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:09,230
They're not long!
243
00:11:09,280 --> 00:11:10,630
A bit long, Will.
244
00:11:10,680 --> 00:11:14,640
Yes, we'll definitely need a big
trench out the back to piss in.
245
00:11:16,080 --> 00:11:18,470
And numerous closeted
stalls for the ladies,
246
00:11:18,520 --> 00:11:20,670
20 or 30, I'd say, otherwise
there'll be a queue.
247
00:11:20,720 --> 00:11:22,910
The ladies? You think we
should cover for them?
248
00:11:22,960 --> 00:11:24,150
Well, of course, yeah.
249
00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:27,070
While there be no ladies on
stage, many do attend the play.
250
00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:30,590
Yes, well, I suppose we
could knock up a little shed
251
00:11:30,640 --> 00:11:32,150
and put a bucket in it.
252
00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:34,350
So, the conveniences.
253
00:11:34,400 --> 00:11:37,390
A 20-yard pissoir for the men,
254
00:11:37,440 --> 00:11:40,470
and a single bucket in a
cupboard for the ladies.
255
00:11:40,520 --> 00:11:42,910
Mr Burbage, a single stall?
256
00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:46,590
Surely you can see that in times of
greatest traffic, such as the interval,
257
00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:49,550
a large queue will form of angry
ladies with their legs crossed.
258
00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:52,310
Remember, sirrah, that
what we design here today
259
00:11:52,360 --> 00:11:56,440
will set the pattern for
theatres across future centuries.
260
00:11:58,920 --> 00:12:00,590
So, as I say...
261
00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:03,670
.. a 20-yard pissoir for the men
262
00:12:03,720 --> 00:12:05,830
and a single bucket in a
cupboard for the ladies.
263
00:12:05,880 --> 00:12:07,430
(Have a care, young Kate,)
264
00:12:07,480 --> 00:12:10,670
(for your outrageous special pleading
for your own sex will unmask you.)
265
00:12:10,720 --> 00:12:13,310
- (It's just so unfair!)
- Right, lunch!
266
00:12:13,360 --> 00:12:15,110
I have a meat pie.
267
00:12:15,160 --> 00:12:16,630
- Meat pie.
- Meat pasty.
268
00:12:16,680 --> 00:12:18,200
Meat pie.
269
00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:24,870
Oh, I've made a lovely little salad,
which you're all welcome to pick at.
270
00:12:24,920 --> 00:12:27,030
Just some fresh leaves and carrot goujons.
271
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:30,710
Also some rose petals, just for scent
and colour, but you can eat them.
272
00:12:30,760 --> 00:12:33,590
You're a bloody girl, aren't you?
273
00:12:33,640 --> 00:12:36,950
An ambitious little bitchington
trying to steal my job!
274
00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:39,030
No. Minge! Flange!
275
00:12:39,080 --> 00:12:40,440
Anal!
276
00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:43,990
We get one like you every fortnight.
277
00:12:44,040 --> 00:12:46,190
Silly little girls pretending to be boys,
278
00:12:46,240 --> 00:12:50,590
in the pathetic hope that they'll be
as good at being girls as boys are.
279
00:12:50,640 --> 00:12:52,430
Be gone, you foul sluttage.
280
00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:54,470
And find yourself a husband!
281
00:12:54,520 --> 00:12:56,950
So, theatre design complete. Now,
282
00:12:57,000 --> 00:12:59,550
if you want to be in on this
venture, you've got to invest.
283
00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:02,030
Four quid minimum shares.
Are you in or out?
284
00:13:02,080 --> 00:13:05,790
In, Burbage. I journey to Stratford
this very e'en to get the cash!
285
00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:09,030
- Hoorah. - For there is a
tide in the affairs of men
286
00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:12,800
which, taken at the flood,
leads on to fortune.
287
00:13:15,080 --> 00:13:16,230
Meaning?
288
00:13:16,280 --> 00:13:20,190
Well, I'm just reiterating, really...
289
00:13:20,240 --> 00:13:22,790
that I'm going to
Stratford to get the cash.
290
00:13:22,840 --> 00:13:24,230
His stuff's too long.
291
00:13:24,280 --> 00:13:26,820
- Oh, very long.
- Very, very long.
292
00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:30,270
God, what a journey!
293
00:13:30,320 --> 00:13:35,230
Lost a whole half-day stuck behind
a seriously unhelpful shepherd,
294
00:13:35,280 --> 00:13:39,070
who simply refused to pull his
sheep over to the side of the lane.
295
00:13:39,120 --> 00:13:41,750
Let me tell you, when we
finally did edge alongside,
296
00:13:41,800 --> 00:13:45,510
we all made some seriously rude
gestures out of the carriage window.
297
00:13:45,560 --> 00:13:49,270
Which was satisfying, but considering
it took three hours to pass him,
298
00:13:49,320 --> 00:13:51,390
rather tiring on the arm.
299
00:13:52,920 --> 00:13:54,910
Well, I'm glad you're back, love.
300
00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:58,350
Your "dad jobs" list's getting
longer than a pure-titty's sermon.
301
00:13:58,400 --> 00:13:59,670
Aye, mistress.
302
00:13:59,720 --> 00:14:01,750
Such was the longing I felt for thee,
303
00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:04,310
so fervently did tug the bonds of love
304
00:14:04,360 --> 00:14:08,310
that I must needs forswear all other
thoughts and hasten to thy side.
305
00:14:08,360 --> 00:14:10,150
What d'you want?
306
00:14:10,200 --> 00:14:11,630
The family savings.
307
00:14:11,680 --> 00:14:13,230
Our savings?
308
00:14:13,280 --> 00:14:14,710
Yep. All of them.
309
00:14:14,760 --> 00:14:16,310
The whole four quid.
310
00:14:16,360 --> 00:14:19,110
What about our plans to buy New Place?
311
00:14:19,160 --> 00:14:23,630
And Susanna's dowry? She be 13 and
thus fast approaching marrying age.
312
00:14:23,680 --> 00:14:26,110
And she's such a gobby little bitchington,
313
00:14:26,160 --> 00:14:30,150
I really don't think we're going to
off-load her for less than ten bob.
314
00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:31,870
Shut up! God, you're so weird.
315
00:14:31,920 --> 00:14:33,910
Everything I do is wrong. Shut up!
316
00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:37,070
And I've told you ten times
to move your cup and plate
317
00:14:37,120 --> 00:14:38,710
and tidy away your clothes.
318
00:14:38,760 --> 00:14:40,990
I'm busy.
319
00:14:41,040 --> 00:14:42,510
Why is it always me?
320
00:14:42,560 --> 00:14:44,790
Ask the twins. Shut up.
321
00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:46,030
'Tis true, Wife.
322
00:14:46,080 --> 00:14:49,110
Unless we can happen upon a
youth who finds selfish lethargy
323
00:14:49,160 --> 00:14:52,110
and impenetrable
self-righteousness attractive,
324
00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:54,630
we may be stuck with
her for quite a while.
325
00:14:54,680 --> 00:14:56,630
I didst not ask to be brought forth
326
00:14:56,680 --> 00:14:59,230
- into the world.
- What do you mean, you want our savings?
327
00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:01,870
I want them in order to double them.
328
00:15:01,920 --> 00:15:03,230
Treble them.
329
00:15:03,280 --> 00:15:06,360
Burbage and I intend to build
a theatre on the south bank.
330
00:15:10,080 --> 00:15:11,470
Wife...
331
00:15:11,520 --> 00:15:13,510
nearly all the money's gone.
332
00:15:13,560 --> 00:15:15,590
Our savings? Stolen?
333
00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:18,830
Yes. We had four pounds,
and now there's only one.
334
00:15:18,880 --> 00:15:20,190
Oh, the shame of it.
335
00:15:20,240 --> 00:15:21,780
Your own son.
336
00:15:22,470 --> 00:15:23,470
Mum?
337
00:15:23,520 --> 00:15:25,430
He took it. Your father.
338
00:15:25,480 --> 00:15:29,470
To think, me, an Arden,
married to a thief!
339
00:15:29,520 --> 00:15:32,310
Oh, yeah, cos it's all
about you, isn't it?
340
00:15:32,360 --> 00:15:35,710
He's been fined again.
Illegal wool-trading.
341
00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:39,070
He bought and sold sheepskin
without paying the excise.
342
00:15:39,120 --> 00:15:40,710
Oh, the shame of it!
343
00:15:40,760 --> 00:15:42,910
The very shame.
344
00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:45,750
Dad, be this true? Are
you become a criminal?
345
00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:47,070
Criminal?
346
00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:50,750
Well, depends how you define "criminal".
347
00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:52,350
Somebody who has broken the law.
348
00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:54,550
But which law?
349
00:15:54,600 --> 00:15:56,790
Real law or natural law?
350
00:15:56,840 --> 00:15:57,950
Real law.
351
00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:00,150
What about all the bankers and traders
352
00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:02,750
who've tempted thousands
to lose everything
353
00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:05,270
in a fruitless search
for mythical El Dorados?
354
00:16:05,320 --> 00:16:07,030
They're the real criminals.
355
00:16:07,080 --> 00:16:10,160
Yes. If by "the real" you mean "also".
356
00:16:12,360 --> 00:16:16,350
None of this makes it all right
for you to steal my life savings!
357
00:16:16,400 --> 00:16:18,230
Look, I was desperate!
358
00:16:18,280 --> 00:16:20,630
When you turned down my idea
359
00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:24,710
for a dad-son double act,
it was the last straw.
360
00:16:24,760 --> 00:16:26,230
This is my fault?!
361
00:16:26,280 --> 00:16:28,790
Well, I do think you might have
considered the idea, William.
362
00:16:28,840 --> 00:16:30,790
I still think we can make it work.
363
00:16:30,840 --> 00:16:33,110
I have to find three
pounds in the next week,
364
00:16:33,160 --> 00:16:37,350
and shameless, self-indulgent,
cross-generational fame-whoring
365
00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:40,280
ain't gonna do the job!
366
00:16:41,800 --> 00:16:44,510
So, Mr Shakespeare,
367
00:16:44,560 --> 00:16:46,790
you wish to invest after all?
368
00:16:46,840 --> 00:16:48,630
Yes. I... I have a pound
369
00:16:48,680 --> 00:16:51,910
and would hope for a great
return, as you promised.
370
00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:53,790
I also said you should hurry, sir.
371
00:16:53,840 --> 00:16:58,230
All the investments are made -- the
potatoes, the tobacco, the spices.
372
00:16:58,280 --> 00:17:01,750
But what about those cases of
syphilis whatnot you mentioned?
373
00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:04,670
You said there might
be some of those left.
374
00:17:05,440 --> 00:17:10,470
And so does this upstart crow's
lack of education condemn him.
375
00:17:10,520 --> 00:17:13,390
I have him in my clutches!
376
00:17:13,440 --> 00:17:14,950
Hmm...
377
00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:17,160
Well, now, let me see.
378
00:17:18,280 --> 00:17:23,150
Yes, it seems, in fact, there are a
number of cases of syphilis reported
379
00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:24,790
on a ship just docked.
380
00:17:24,840 --> 00:17:27,190
Then I would beg you,
let me invest in one.
381
00:17:27,240 --> 00:17:28,630
By all means.
382
00:17:28,680 --> 00:17:32,870
Although, caveat emptor. For
the purposes of my duty of care,
383
00:17:32,920 --> 00:17:36,310
you are aware of the nature of
that in which you would invest?
384
00:17:36,360 --> 00:17:38,990
Who cares? It's been
imported from America.
385
00:17:39,040 --> 00:17:42,320
We in England will instantly
adopt anything from America.
386
00:17:43,360 --> 00:17:46,070
What is a potato but a starchy tuber?
387
00:17:46,120 --> 00:17:48,510
What is tobacco but a dried weed?
388
00:17:48,560 --> 00:17:52,120
What is a corn cob but a
big, yellow, bobbly dildo?
389
00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:58,030
I would invest in the very next case
of syphilis that be brought ashore.
390
00:17:58,080 --> 00:17:59,790
I have a pound.
391
00:17:59,840 --> 00:18:02,590
I fear the minimum stake would be two.
392
00:18:02,640 --> 00:18:04,430
I have but one.
393
00:18:04,480 --> 00:18:06,790
The trap shuts.
394
00:18:06,840 --> 00:18:10,790
Why, sir, let me lend you another.
395
00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:12,310
Really?
396
00:18:12,360 --> 00:18:13,430
You'd do that for me?
397
00:18:13,480 --> 00:18:16,030
And for surety on the capital?
398
00:18:16,080 --> 00:18:18,270
Name it. My house? My wife?
399
00:18:18,320 --> 00:18:20,870
No, sir, nothing so onerous.
400
00:18:20,920 --> 00:18:23,070
Let us just say that, for my one pound,
401
00:18:23,120 --> 00:18:25,670
I would want merely one pound back...
402
00:18:25,720 --> 00:18:27,310
Well, that seems very reasonable.
403
00:18:27,360 --> 00:18:30,040
.. of your flesh.
404
00:18:31,720 --> 00:18:33,990
So, the investment's sorted.
405
00:18:34,040 --> 00:18:36,670
I'm off to the Red Lion.
406
00:18:36,720 --> 00:18:39,790
Burbage is conducting preliminary
auditions for my Juliet
407
00:18:39,840 --> 00:18:42,430
and if I'm not careful,
he'll choose the wrong boy.
408
00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:45,470
Oh, Mr Shakespeare, let
me try again. Please!
409
00:18:45,520 --> 00:18:46,630
Kate, I've told you.
410
00:18:46,680 --> 00:18:49,190
In order to be a girl,
you must first be a boy.
411
00:18:49,240 --> 00:18:50,470
Give me another go.
412
00:18:50,520 --> 00:18:51,670
Give me some hints.
413
00:18:51,720 --> 00:18:54,350
I just need to get deeper into character.
414
00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:57,110
Well... all right.
415
00:18:57,160 --> 00:19:01,390
Supposing we go to the tavern where the
new American potato tuber be served,
416
00:19:01,440 --> 00:19:03,350
diced into batons and fried.
417
00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:06,670
- Oh, God, I love them!
- Aye, all men do. Women also.
418
00:19:06,720 --> 00:19:10,550
And here, Kate, lies the rub, for
without care you will be exposed.
419
00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:11,710
How so, Mr Shakespeare?
420
00:19:11,760 --> 00:19:15,750
When the diced potato tuber be offered,
do not refuse to order your own,
421
00:19:15,800 --> 00:19:17,870
only then to steal it
from another's plate.
422
00:19:17,920 --> 00:19:19,670
Oh, my God, I so do that.
423
00:19:19,720 --> 00:19:22,470
For then will all at table
know you are a girl.
424
00:19:22,520 --> 00:19:24,230
I'll be so careful.
425
00:19:24,280 --> 00:19:26,830
Will you also lend me
another suit of clothes
426
00:19:26,880 --> 00:19:28,910
so they don't recognise me from last time?
427
00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:31,300
All right. But we have to hurry.
428
00:19:33,160 --> 00:19:34,790
Kate, you must decide!
429
00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:36,750
I can't! I can't.
430
00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:40,110
Every garment from the wardrobe
hath been hurled upon the bed
431
00:19:40,160 --> 00:19:41,590
and yet you still claim
432
00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:44,910
that you have not a single thing
with which to robe yourself!
433
00:19:44,960 --> 00:19:48,590
Full, round and plumpish
all do make me look.
434
00:19:48,640 --> 00:19:51,950
But, Kate, can't you see
this is a case in point?
435
00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:54,430
As with the diced, fried tuber-batons.
436
00:19:54,480 --> 00:19:56,470
Girls can't stop being girlie.
437
00:19:56,520 --> 00:19:58,590
'Tis at the very core of their nature.
438
00:19:58,640 --> 00:20:02,030
A man would simply grab the first
pair of puffling pants to hand,
439
00:20:02,080 --> 00:20:03,630
give them the sniff test,
440
00:20:03,680 --> 00:20:07,390
and if they be not actually
rotted with his dung, shove em on!
441
00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:09,390
I've only ever owned a single pair!
442
00:20:09,440 --> 00:20:12,030
I've had these on for 15 years.
443
00:20:12,080 --> 00:20:13,630
You must decide.
444
00:20:13,680 --> 00:20:15,830
All right. Which do you think?
445
00:20:15,880 --> 00:20:18,430
- These or these?
- Erm, those.
446
00:20:18,480 --> 00:20:21,590
So you hate these? You think I look
full, round and plumpish in these?
447
00:20:21,640 --> 00:20:23,910
No, you asked me, by Jehovah's nostrils!
448
00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:28,550
You... you forced a choice upon me and
then you turned that choice into a slight!
449
00:20:28,600 --> 00:20:31,190
Was ever there a thing so girlie?
450
00:20:31,240 --> 00:20:34,110
- This is impossible!
- All right. I'll go with these.
451
00:20:34,160 --> 00:20:36,430
Finally. And actually,
for what it's worth,
452
00:20:36,480 --> 00:20:38,670
I think you look very nice
in those puffling pants.
453
00:20:38,720 --> 00:20:40,350
Yeah, right! As if! I do not.
454
00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:41,630
You're obviously lying.
455
00:20:41,680 --> 00:20:44,550
Oh, God. Look, Kate, I'm
sorry, but I'm not doing this.
456
00:20:44,600 --> 00:20:47,470
It's quite clear that you
can never convince as a man
457
00:20:47,520 --> 00:20:50,990
and, therefore, there is no possibility
of your ever earning the opportunity
458
00:20:51,040 --> 00:20:54,230
to convince as a woman. Now, I
have far more pressing concerns.
459
00:20:54,280 --> 00:20:58,070
You wait, Mr Shakespeare. I will
find a way to prove my worth.
460
00:20:58,120 --> 00:21:01,990
Kate, gentle Kate, thou provest thy worth
461
00:21:02,040 --> 00:21:05,030
every day with thy joyous smile,
462
00:21:05,080 --> 00:21:07,870
thy girlish laugh and
the soft, tender grace
463
00:21:07,920 --> 00:21:11,750
that all Eve's daughters bring
to the rough world of men.
464
00:21:11,800 --> 00:21:15,470
Oh, Mr Shakespeare, you are
like he who gives support,
465
00:21:15,520 --> 00:21:18,630
like that which sweetens
all that it covers.
466
00:21:18,680 --> 00:21:22,070
You are a great poet and
are like the heavens.
467
00:21:22,120 --> 00:21:26,030
Kate, your words move me, but I
would fain know their meaning.
468
00:21:26,080 --> 00:21:28,950
Why, he who gives support is a patron,
469
00:21:29,000 --> 00:21:31,950
that which sweetens all
that it covers be but icing,
470
00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:34,190
a great poet is a bard,
471
00:21:34,240 --> 00:21:36,470
and the heavens, of course, be starred.
472
00:21:36,520 --> 00:21:39,070
Put them together and you get...
473
00:21:39,120 --> 00:21:42,480
Patron... icing... bard... starred.
474
00:21:43,720 --> 00:21:45,720
I'll leave it with you.
475
00:21:47,680 --> 00:21:51,470
God! Her and her women's
emancipation stuff.
476
00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:52,830
Yeah.
477
00:21:52,880 --> 00:21:56,000
Talk about having a diced, fried
tuber-baton on her shoulder...
478
00:21:57,680 --> 00:22:00,190
I think I'm outward-going and
with a great personality.
479
00:22:00,240 --> 00:22:03,440
It's my dream to play Juliet,
and I really, really want it.
480
00:22:04,440 --> 00:22:05,510
Thank you. Next.
481
00:22:05,560 --> 00:22:08,590
But you haven't heard my backstory!
482
00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:10,270
My mum's just got the plague!
483
00:22:10,320 --> 00:22:12,590
I was bullied at dame school.
484
00:22:12,640 --> 00:22:14,350
I'm bringing up my sister's son.
485
00:22:14,400 --> 00:22:15,550
I said next!
486
00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:17,070
You'll see.
487
00:22:17,120 --> 00:22:19,030
I'll be a futtocking star,
488
00:22:19,080 --> 00:22:21,420
and then you'll look like dicks.
489
00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:26,150
Crappage! Crappage. They all be crappage.
490
00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:29,950
At this rate, our theatre will be
built before we find our Juliet.
491
00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:33,030
But you've got your bloody Juliet. Me!
492
00:22:33,080 --> 00:22:37,150
Except, oh, that's right, once an actor
who plays women reaches a certain age,
493
00:22:37,200 --> 00:22:38,940
the roles dry up.
494
00:22:40,280 --> 00:22:44,470
My dear Condell, Juliet
be but a maid of 13.
495
00:22:44,520 --> 00:22:49,070
And Romeo be 14, yet no doubt
Burbage here will be playing him.
496
00:22:49,120 --> 00:22:51,870
Oh, yes, it's all right
for actors who play men.
497
00:22:51,920 --> 00:22:54,590
They can be geriatric and
still get romantic leads.
498
00:22:54,640 --> 00:22:57,070
But we actors who play
women are tossed away
499
00:22:57,120 --> 00:22:59,750
in favour of younger
actors who play women.
500
00:22:59,800 --> 00:23:01,230
Enough of this carping.
501
00:23:01,280 --> 00:23:03,310
We've a play to cast
and a theatre to build.
502
00:23:03,360 --> 00:23:06,430
Speaking of which, Will, have
you your four pounds investment?
503
00:23:06,480 --> 00:23:07,790
At any moment, Burbage.
504
00:23:07,840 --> 00:23:09,870
I expect news of my
investment on the hour.
505
00:23:09,920 --> 00:23:13,310
Mr Shakespeare, we just got a
note from the Board of Trade.
506
00:23:13,360 --> 00:23:14,670
Ah, brilliant!
507
00:23:14,720 --> 00:23:17,390
Not brilliant. I'm ruined.
508
00:23:17,440 --> 00:23:19,790
My investment was in twice-poxed sailors.
509
00:23:19,840 --> 00:23:22,870
Your ignorance condemns you, sirrah.
510
00:23:22,920 --> 00:23:25,230
Syphilis sive morbus Gallicus
511
00:23:25,280 --> 00:23:28,110
is but the recently coined
term for the French disease,
512
00:23:28,160 --> 00:23:33,670
but since the name be conjured by the
poet and astronomer Hieronymus Fracastorius
513
00:23:33,720 --> 00:23:35,870
in his Latin lyrical verse cycle,
514
00:23:35,920 --> 00:23:40,070
an oikish country bum-snot
like you knows not of it.
515
00:23:40,120 --> 00:23:43,710
I'm sorry, Burbage. I'm broke,
and cannot invest in your theatre.
516
00:23:43,760 --> 00:23:47,030
Oh, I think your problems are a
little more urgent than that, sirrah.
517
00:23:47,080 --> 00:23:52,480
I would have my pound back, and if it be
not in monies, then let it be in flesh!
518
00:23:54,160 --> 00:23:55,710
But I... I have no monies.
519
00:23:55,760 --> 00:23:58,470
Then these officers of
the law will keep you safe
520
00:23:58,520 --> 00:24:01,470
until a court of law
orders that my debt be paid!
521
00:24:01,520 --> 00:24:06,310
But, Greene, a pound of flesh cut
from a man means certain death.
522
00:24:06,360 --> 00:24:08,240
Hmm... yes.
523
00:24:09,360 --> 00:24:11,550
I'll get a lawyer! I'll fight this case!
524
00:24:11,600 --> 00:24:13,710
Your case is hopeless, sirrah!
525
00:24:13,760 --> 00:24:15,550
I have my signed bond.
526
00:24:15,600 --> 00:24:19,030
There is not a man in London
who will represent you.
527
00:24:19,080 --> 00:24:20,880
Take him away.
528
00:24:21,880 --> 00:24:26,430
All rise for His Honour Sir
Robert Roberts, judge presiding.
529
00:24:26,480 --> 00:24:27,880
Be seated.
530
00:24:30,400 --> 00:24:33,630
Who will speak for the prosecution?
531
00:24:33,680 --> 00:24:36,470
I, my lord, will prosecute.
532
00:24:36,520 --> 00:24:40,950
Being a Cambridge graduate, I
am of course a qualified lawyer.
533
00:24:41,000 --> 00:24:43,190
And who will speak for the defence?
534
00:24:43,240 --> 00:24:46,790
I fear none, my lord, for
this case is so hopeless
535
00:24:46,840 --> 00:24:50,430
that there be not a single man in
London who will speak for this wretch.
536
00:24:50,480 --> 00:24:52,020
Not so, sir.
537
00:24:53,120 --> 00:24:56,510
I am a man... and a lawyer.
538
00:24:56,560 --> 00:24:59,670
And I will defend this wronged man.
539
00:24:59,720 --> 00:25:01,270
You, sirrah, who are you?
540
00:25:01,320 --> 00:25:03,310
I am Cuthbert Capulet, your honour.
541
00:25:03,360 --> 00:25:07,150
Do you wish to argue that Master
Greene should not take his bond?
542
00:25:07,200 --> 00:25:08,990
Go for it, good Kate.
543
00:25:09,040 --> 00:25:11,780
Nail him with some brilliant Latin stuff.
544
00:25:12,400 --> 00:25:14,550
On the contrary, my lord,
545
00:25:14,600 --> 00:25:18,190
if Mr Greene wishes to cut a pound
of flesh from my client then he must,
546
00:25:18,240 --> 00:25:19,990
for 'tis his legal right.
547
00:25:20,040 --> 00:25:21,350
- What?!
- Master Greene,
548
00:25:21,400 --> 00:25:23,470
you may extract your bond.
549
00:25:23,520 --> 00:25:27,350
Oh, how sweet
550
00:25:27,400 --> 00:25:31,990
will be this unkindest cut of all.
551
00:25:32,040 --> 00:25:36,630
Please, Master Greene. The
quality of mercy is not strained.
552
00:25:36,680 --> 00:25:40,670
It droppeth as the gentle rain
from heaven upon the earth beneath.
553
00:25:40,720 --> 00:25:43,790
Not even iambic pentameter
can save you now!
554
00:25:43,840 --> 00:25:45,790
Tarry a little.
555
00:25:45,840 --> 00:25:47,840
There is something else.
556
00:25:48,600 --> 00:25:53,510
This bond doth give thee
here no jot of blood.
557
00:25:53,560 --> 00:25:55,430
I beg your pardon?
558
00:25:55,480 --> 00:25:57,150
Take then thy bond.
559
00:25:57,200 --> 00:26:00,710
Take thou thy pound of
flesh, but in the cutting it,
560
00:26:00,760 --> 00:26:03,790
if thou doth shed one
drop of Christian blood...
561
00:26:03,840 --> 00:26:05,510
No blood?! How can I avoid it?
562
00:26:05,560 --> 00:26:07,110
Exactly, sirrah.
563
00:26:07,160 --> 00:26:10,550
If you must take your flesh,
you must needs also steal blood,
564
00:26:10,600 --> 00:26:13,030
and thus would my client die.
565
00:26:13,080 --> 00:26:16,150
Well, I must say, this
does alter things a bit.
566
00:26:16,200 --> 00:26:18,750
Will you still take
your bond, Master Greene?
567
00:26:18,800 --> 00:26:21,750
I shall be happy enough to try
you straight'way after for murder.
568
00:26:21,800 --> 00:26:26,430
But, my lord, this Capulet's
argument is utterly spurious!
569
00:26:26,480 --> 00:26:28,710
Why, flesh contains blood!
570
00:26:28,760 --> 00:26:32,150
Flesh be not flesh without it. You
do not visit the butcher and say,
571
00:26:32,200 --> 00:26:35,390
"A pound of beef, and don't forget
to leave the blood in," do you?
572
00:26:35,440 --> 00:26:39,070
Actually, that's very true. Master
Greene is entirely and absolutely right.
573
00:26:39,120 --> 00:26:42,830
Your whole pound-of-flesh argument
is in fact wafer-thin rubbish!
574
00:26:42,880 --> 00:26:46,870
I'm sorry, Mr Shakespeare, you're going
to have to let him carve a steak off.
575
00:26:46,920 --> 00:26:48,070
But I'll die!
576
00:26:48,120 --> 00:26:50,800
Hmm. Sorry. Right, lunch recess.
577
00:26:57,040 --> 00:26:58,910
A moment, Mr Greene!
578
00:27:00,120 --> 00:27:01,870
Your honour, may I approach the bench?
579
00:27:01,920 --> 00:27:03,830
Come.
580
00:27:03,880 --> 00:27:06,990
Just wanted to say, nice gown.
581
00:27:07,040 --> 00:27:08,270
Really loving it.
582
00:27:08,320 --> 00:27:12,190
Thanks so much. I thought it might make
me look a bit full, round and plumpish.
583
00:27:12,240 --> 00:27:16,390
So, a salad-eater who thinks a
perfectly nice gown makes him look fat.
584
00:27:16,440 --> 00:27:18,550
Or should I say, makes HER look fat?
585
00:27:18,600 --> 00:27:19,910
You're a girl!
586
00:27:19,960 --> 00:27:21,360
It's true!
587
00:27:22,360 --> 00:27:24,870
Ever since I first came
to London as a young girl,
588
00:27:24,920 --> 00:27:26,830
I've known that it's a man's world.
589
00:27:26,880 --> 00:27:30,390
And to prosper I must needs become one.
590
00:27:30,440 --> 00:27:32,870
Please, do not expose me.
591
00:27:32,920 --> 00:27:34,710
Don't worry, I get it. I really do.
592
00:27:34,760 --> 00:27:37,760
Just let my client walk
and your secret's safe.
593
00:27:39,920 --> 00:27:41,030
Case dismissed!
594
00:27:41,080 --> 00:27:44,750
- What?! - Costs awarded
against the plaintiff.
595
00:27:44,800 --> 00:27:46,470
- Set at...
- I need four quid.
596
00:27:46,520 --> 00:27:47,710
.. four pounds!
597
00:27:47,760 --> 00:27:50,230
- I love your shoes.
- Thanks, Judge Robert.
598
00:27:50,280 --> 00:27:51,710
Please...
599
00:27:51,760 --> 00:27:53,680
call me Bob.
600
00:27:57,800 --> 00:28:02,510
Kate saved my sweet white country
arsington and no mistake.
601
00:28:02,560 --> 00:28:04,950
If the judge hadn't turned
out to be another woman,
602
00:28:05,000 --> 00:28:07,830
I'd be a couple of giblets
short of a playwright.
603
00:28:07,880 --> 00:28:10,270
Yeah, well, it's lucky
you didn't have to rely on
604
00:28:10,320 --> 00:28:12,670
her stupid pound-of-flesh argument.
605
00:28:12,720 --> 00:28:15,710
It's bloody obvious flesh contains blood.
606
00:28:15,760 --> 00:28:19,950
If the end of one of your play's
hinged on such a half-baked notion,
607
00:28:20,000 --> 00:28:24,800
all would boo and jeer and
call thee a total wankington.
608
00:28:25,800 --> 00:28:26,990
Hmm, yes.
609
00:28:27,040 --> 00:28:28,590
Absolutely.
610
00:28:28,640 --> 00:28:30,350
Although it might work.
611
00:28:30,400 --> 00:28:34,190
You know, if I buried it in
a lot of iambic pentameter.
612
00:28:34,240 --> 00:28:36,430
Well, it's your call, love.
613
00:28:36,480 --> 00:28:37,950
You're the genius.
614
00:28:38,000 --> 00:28:40,560
Yes, Wife. I absolutely am.
615
00:28:40,610 --> 00:28:45,160
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