Original subtitles

(GENTLE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

Subtitles by explosiveskull

♪ Oh, Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling ♪

ANDREA: What?

♪ From glen to glen

- ♪ And down the... - Are you bored of this?

No, sorry, it helps me not to cum.

Okay.

♪ Down the mountain side

♪ The rose

You know, it sort of helps me not to cum as well.

Okay.

- Uh, I'm sorry. - No, it's okay.

NICK: Nah, come here.

Can we start again?

Can I cum on your face?

Not until I've met your mother.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

(LIGHTER CLICKING)

You're not gonna get obsessed with me, are you?

Would you like me to?

Well, look, I, um,

I just split up with my girlfriend,

so I'm not really available.

When?

No, I mean I'm not, like, available, you know, ever.

No, I mean, when did you split up with your girlfriend?

Oh, um, yesterday.

Was that after the party, after we met?

Yeah, I felt so bothered by how much I flirted with you

at the party that I broke up with her afterwards.

Right, right.

She was in love with me.

I mean, we weren't together that long, but she was, she was,

she was in love.

Maybe she wasn't as in love with you as you think.

Maybe she was just in love with the man in your book.

No.

Used to happen to me all the time.

Still does, actually.

Sorry, I've, uh, I haven't got round to reading your book.

No, I remember, like, wanting to when it first came out,

when there was all the fuss about it, you know?

Mm, it was all fuss.

You might have told me that you had a girlfriend

before I came over.

Would it have made a difference?

(♪ "KISS THEM FOR ME" BY SIOUXSIE AND THE BANSHEES)

♪ It glittered and it gleamed

♪ For the arriving beauty queen ♪

♪ A ring and a car

♪ Now you're the prettiest by far ♪

♪ No party she'd not attend

♪ No invitation she wouldn't send ♪

♪ Transfixed by the inner sound ♪

♪ Of your promise to be found

♪ Oh

♪ Nothing or no one

♪ Will ever make me let you down ♪

♪ Kiss them for me, I may be delayed ♪

♪ Kiss them for me if I am delayed ♪

♪ It's divoon, oh it's serene

♪ In the fountains pink champagne ♪

♪ Someone carving their devotion ♪

♪ In the the heart-shaped pool of fame ♪

TARA: What's wrong?

- I feel I'm being mocked. - How am I mocking you?

It.

You're watching the cat the whole fucking time?

I've been trying not to, but.

- Fuck. - Oh, no, no, no.

Hey, come back, come back.

Come on, we've never had unsuccessful sex.

TARA: Yes, we have.

(CHUCKLING)

(CAT PURRING)

ANDREA: So, he fell in love with a Palestinian woman

when he was a volunteer doctor in Gaza,

and then she ended up getting killed.

I can see how that would sell a million copies.

Mm, two.

Does he fuck heroically?

All one night stands are acts of bravery.

Or defeat.

Hey, if you're going to work,

do you think you could give me a lift down the hill?

Andrea, you really need to learn how to drive,

you know that?

Or else you're just not really

engaging with the city at all.

It's better this way.

I get more writing done.

Why, 'cause you're trapped?

Yeah, it's good.

So, can you give me a lift?

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

I slept with someone I just met last night.

Was that whore-ish?

Was that a whore-ish thing to do, do you think?

Oh, well.

You have a whore-ish vibe about you.

How?

How?

Your clothes, your hair, I mean, your manner, really.

When I first met you, I thought, she's, uh,

she'd be open to anything.

- That is not true. - I know.

I know it's not, and I know that you've moved down here,

you have got yourself clean, you go to your meetings.

You got yourself together.

Yeah, I have, it's been a year.

Right, so?

This is the first untogether thing you've done in a year.

That's not really a big deal, is it?

What do you think of these Clooney news?

Haven't you heard he wants to play you in the adaptation?

Uh, I kinda think that

George Clooney looks like a dirty old uncle.

Oh, god, no, were you abused?

No.

Ah, ah. (LAUGHING)

You saw a bestselling memoir right there

in front of your eyes, didn't you?

No, no, I mean, I don't know, maybe.

You're something else.

No, no, no, I'd take any book you had to offer me,

you know that.

I'm just waiting for you to tell me what it is.

Otherwise, why would I be here sweating in California

when I could be in civilization?

NICK: I'm sorry, it was a happy childhood.

No, no, good, that's good.

Good, jolly good.

Look, I'm a doctor.

I wrote a book that moved people.

I don't really know anything about his world of celebrity,

- all that's... - Hi, um,

I just wanted to tell you that your book

is the most beautiful love story I have ever read

in my entire life.

Oh, thank you.

- Okay. - Nice seeing you.

Thanks.

Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye.

What are you thinking about?

I was trying to conjure up what Naima looked like.

It's been too long now that I feel I've almost lost her.

No, she's on the page forever.

She's in our hearts forever.

Oh, no, I'll get this.

- No, I'd like to. - Oh, no, no.

'Cause I can expense it.

Don't be ridiculous.

No, no, no, I would like to

because you're a woman and I'm a man.

(GENTLE PIANO MUSIC)

- You're really beardy. - Mm.

TARA: I've done everything I can,

but it's pretty hard with the...

Yeah, I know, it's limiting.

I told my wife it would be

but she said this is one great anniversary present.

TARA: Mm.

It's not you.

You're very good, actually.

I know. (SPRAY HISSING)

- Oh, what is that, it's... - Really soothing.

It's got a little bit of orange, a little bit of clove,

- and myrrh. - That sounds biblical.

Yes, I do a toner,

and then I do a microdermabrasion, and then I take a sword

and I sacrifice you to a vengeful lord.

Just kidding.

God steps in and saves you at the end.

So what do you do?

I'm a rabbi.

- You're kidding. - No.

You're just saying that because of what I just said.

You're just making fun of me because you have a beard...

That I grew just so I can tell people I'm a rabbi?

No, why are you so surprised?

I just didn't think that you'd be able to,

to do something like this.

- Why? - Wasn't it vain?

It feels vain, yeah.

Do you feel like an asshole?

I, uh.

I'm sorry, I'm a really bad Jew.

I feel weird even touching you,

like I'm touching the Torah on my period or something.

(RABBI GROANS)

I'm not, I finished four days ago.

Three days ago.

Oh, well, that explains a lot, I guess.

Thanks for sharing.

(LAUGHING) I'm sorry.

Am I blotchy at all?

TARA: No, you're glowing.

Oh, good, yeah.

I feel like a foreskin.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I don't know why I said that.

Listen, Tara, thank you very much.

Aw, thank you.

You did great.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

RABBI: It was a lot of hard work, believe me.

All right, bye.

I wish that I had asked my dad more about Jew stuff,

but I don't really think

that he even knew that much himself.

I mean, he grew up in England and they kinda kept it quiet.

My grandparents sent him to boarding school when he was four

so he would become less Jewish.

That is awful.

Listen, if you wanna reconnect with your roots,

feel free to come to my congregation, okay,

I think you'd really enjoy it.

Okay. (GENTLE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

RABBI: Come before I die.

(TARA GIGGLES)

(PHONE CHIMING)

(PHONE BUZZING)

You don't write very well for a writer.

Um, I'm a doctor.

I could do a post-coital removal of your spleen

but I think you'd be even less inclined

to sleep with me again.

- Again? - Yeah.

What?

I thought it went well.

It went well like a Scrabble game?

Look, we can have a fling, if you want, an affair.

A flingair?

Yeah, a flingair.

How would you define that?

Something that's so light as air

that neither one of us could possibly get hurt.

You know, I bought my cousins a toy once called a flinger.

It was this sort of long, stretchy jelly hand thing,

and you could fling it at other kids or,

if you were feeling bold, at an adult.

Um, did you take my shirt?

No.

Maybe we're just better as a one off.

You know, like all those beautiful one hit wonder bands.

No, no, I wanna see you again.

I just, I guess I feel that I don't wanna have to call you.

If you don't want to call me

and you do want to have sex with me,

then how will I know if you want sex?

I'll text you.

(GENTLE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

You look really great.

Thank you, you too.

It's been a really long time.

Did you fall in love again?

You must have, tell me, you did, you must,

because you love love so much.

Why, did you?

No, I didn't fall in love.

I did get married again, though.

Wow, you like getting married.

Oh, the first one doesn't count, right?

I mean, you were practically a child bride.

Oh, sure.

And are you still taking smack?

Yeah, yeah, I do, I do still take heroin.

I smoke it.

You, um?

Uh, you know, I got clean.

- 20th time lucky. - Ah.

MARTIN: But you're so different to her.

Yeah, well, I had Good Dad.

You saw me when he died, he was the love of my life.

It's not her memory of him.

How old?

- What? - No, no, your dog.

Your dog, no, six?

Six. (CHUCKLING)

Ha, yeah, you're really good at that.

Thank you, she broke up with me for a month

and all I did was sit on the couch

watching The Dog Whisperer, so.

Ugh.

Baby, I've got some news.

TARA: What?

I have, uh, I got a gig.

The house behind The Canyon Store?

No, no, no, not that type of gig.

Like, I mean, like a gig gig.

I am putting the band back together.

- What? - Yeah, yeah.

Just, I mean, just for a night,

- just for a night. - Oh, my god.

But if it goes well, if it goes well,

then I'm gonna do it for another night.

And then another night, and then another night,

and then another night, and. (TARA GIGGLING)

TARA: Mm.

(GENTLE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

The internet is actually fast food

that you can eat without chewing.

That's his wife.

RABBI: Yes, it's made the world a smaller place,

- they say, - I've met her.

RABBI: but is that really a good thing?

She can be a controlling bitch.

RABBI: Libraries are the loneliest place in town...

I'm Rachel.

I'm the daughter.

- Oh, hi. - Hi.

The things we need most are not informational.

Can Siri Google your soul?

I'd like to end tonight by reminding you

that at the end of the month,

we have our rally for our Syrian refugees.

I'd like you all to be there

because somebody was there for us when we came.

Somebody was there for your grandfather when he came.

Somebody was there for your great-grandfather when he came.

Somebody was there.

So be there for them.

(LIVELY KLEZMER MUSIC) (CONGREGATION CLAPPING)

(CONGREGATION LAUGHING)

Shabbat shalom.

Hello, again.

Thank you.

TARA: Hi.

I had a feeling I would see you here.

- You did? - I did, I did.

How does my skin look?

- Fine. - Good.

(TARA GIGGLES)

This is actually my first time at a temple ever.

- Really? - Yeah.

Except for, um, when my dad died last year.

- I'm sorry. - We were more cultural Jews.

- Bagels... - Woody Allen.

Albert Brooks.

Albert Brooks, Lost in America, fantastic movie.

Your daughter is really nice.

No, she's not.

(TARA LAUGHING)

I'm just kidding, yes, she's lovely, thank you.

I had nothing to do with that, believe me.

Will you come to the rally at the end of the month?

I can't, my boyfriend is actually playing a show

that night, he's a musician, he used to be a rock guy

before I knew him, before I was born.

No, just kidding. (BOTH LAUGHING)

But, uh, yeah, I should go to that.

Okay. (TARA CHUCKLES)

Why don't you bring him next time?

- He's not Jewish. - It doesn't matter.

We extend the branch to people of all faiths.

And you see how important music is to the service.

I'd love you to bring him.

This was a rocking Shabbat, was it not?

TARA: Yes.

RABBI'S WIFE: Wait, is it Talia?

No, it's Tara.

Oh, my bad, I Italianized you,

which is the secret wish of all Jewish women.

(ALL CHUCKLING AWKWARDLY)

What are you wearing?

It smells amazing.

I don't think it's anything.

That's all, that's natural?

TARA: Yes.

Oh, so the last time I saw you,

I was naked

- and covered in honey. - Hello.

I work at a spa. (CHUCKLING)

- Okay. - Okay.

Tara, thank you so much for coming.

- Thank you. - It was delightful

- to see you again. - Yes.

- I appreciate it. - Can I, you know who she

- really reminds me of? - Who is that, dear?

Maria Schneider in Last Tango in Paris.

- Oh. - I...

- No, I'm telling you. - I'll Google it.

Maybe not.

- It's rather racy. - Oh.

She's a grown woman. (CHUCKLING)

- Okay. - Okay.

- Shabbat shalom. - Shabbat shalom.

Shabbat shalom.

He marched with Martin Luther King

in the civil right movement.

He's like this electric, famous orator.

He's a total, total rockstar.

ANDREA: Is he a charlatan?

No, why would you say that?

I wouldn't trust anyone you called a rockstar.

Except Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young.

You trust all four of them?

No, not Neil.

I don't know why, though, there's something...

Is it because he looks like a horse peed on his jeans

and he just left them on and let them dry in the sun?

- Yes. - Mm-hmm. (GIGGLING)

Why are you wearing a bloke's shirt?

This is just my nightie.

You had a one night stand, now you're wearing his nightie.

It's mine, I earned it.

It's not even a good one.

How do you know?

'Cause I used to be able to afford them.

Stop.

You should send it back.

You know where he lives?

'Cause you don't wanna be smelling it and giving you ideas.

What ideas?

Well, that it's more than a one night stand.

It's not, I said that.

He actually asked me if I wanted to have an affair,

and I said no.

(♪ "HALLOWEEN BY THE SEA" BY BART & THE BEDAZZLED)

♪ I watched the sun go down

♪ On the USA

♪ Suburban boulevards

♪ Cities in decay

♪ People in dismay

(ANDREA MOANING)

Do I own you now?

- Yeah. - Yeah?

♪ I heard the sun go down

Okay, I'm late for work,

but I told Andrea that you were here

in case she wanted to do the groceries.

And I might be, uh, late home again tonight

because I think I'm gonna stop by the temple again.

Hmm.

Again, already?

Yeah, I just, I've been missing Dad a lot,

and I feel like it's a good place to connect with him.

I understand.

♪ Wasted on the beach

♪ What a scene

When I was 13, we were living on the Lower East Side

of New York City, and two floors above us

was a young man named Mickey Schwerner.

Ah, that's a Jewish name.

That's like being called Joey Rabinowitz. (GIGGLING)

Well, Mickey and his wife Rita lived two floors above us,

and he was older than I was, but he was very good to me

in a way that older boys are not

'cause they don't like to be seen with the little kids.

Mm-hmm.

And they were activists.

They worked for CORE.

CORE?

Congress of Racial Equality.

Hmm, that would definitely be an abs class now.

And they were very brave people.

They were Freedom Riders in the truest sense.

They would go down South

and register African Americans to vote.

They would boycott businesses until they desegregated.

Mm-hmm.

They were very inspiring young people,

and it was Mickey who taught me about Dr. King.

And I read everything I could.

And I listened to him whenever I could.

And I just was awestruck.

(ANDREA WHISTLING)

I know you make a solid living,

but I've never seen you actually painting.

I am starving.

Do you wanna get breakfast?

Doing the walk of shame, huh?

No, I don't feel shame.

Oh, you should.

It's a very useful emotion.

You are so fucking judgmental.

You must have been a shit rockstar.

No, I was good, actually, and beloved,

which your sister will find out

when she comes to see the show.

I sat next to Mickey just so by osmosis

I thought I could become a better person, you know?

But it doesn't work by osmosis, no,

you have to walk the walk, talk the talk, ride the bus.

And 50 years later, organize a rally for Syrian refugees.

Sorry, I didn't mean to say Syrian refugees

like it was a bad thing.

It is a bad thing.

Is that pink?

Are you gonna be doing a cover of Barbie Girl?

- By Aqua? - Yeah, I fucking know

who sings Barbie Girl.

You've got me pegged wrong, sister.

You've got me in the one hit wonder count,

but I had two hits.

Two bites at the cherry, so.

You know, I have a picture, George Harrison, in my office,

because I thought he was the one Beatle

that was truest to his ideals.

Yeah, he also spoiled at least three classic albums

with his love of sitar.

(RABBI CHUCKLES)

Wait, um, do you guys want to come with me tonight

to a book party?

She's busy.

Okay.

Well, do you want to come?

(MARTIN SCOFFS)

No.

No, you're rude.

You're rude.

You look like velvet but you're Velcro, scratchy.

So then what happened with Mickey Jewinowitz?

Mickey was murdered in 1964 in Mississippi

along with two fellow civil rights workers,

James Chaney, Andrew Goodman.

They were beaten, shot to death,

and buried by members of the KKK.

(GENTLE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

Long time ago.

But that's what got me started.

I didn't know where that story was going.

I'm sorry, I was just trying to make you laugh, and...

Tara, no, no, no.

You didn't know what I was about to say.

So, what did you wanna ask me?

Oh, um, your boyfriend is a musician, yes?

Yeah.

Oh, so I was thinking that maybe you could talk to him

about organizing an interfaith concert

in support of the rally.

Uh,

- yep. - Yes?

- Okay. - I think it'd be spectacular.

I will do that when I get home.

- Thank you very much. - Okay.

I'm really sorry about Mickey.

Thank you.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

Hey.

Oh.

I'm Sevan.

Seven, like a Seven Nation Army.

No, it's just like Evan with an S on the front.

Hmm.

You're dressed in all '50s.

'60s.

You know, I once wrote a story for The Paris Review,

it's about this beautiful girl,

she worked in a vintage store...

I don't work in a vintage store.

I'm a writer.

Oh, that's fantastic.

Oh, man, you should definitely work in that

until you make it.

You know, don't give up.

I'm a published author.

Okay, okay.

So, what's the book about,

that you're trying to get published?

It's been published in several different languages.

Hey.

Hi.

Where's my wine?

I don't work here.

Oh no?

- Yeah. - Oh.

You look like more of a waitress than I do.

(LIGHTER CLICKING)

NICK: Hey.

Hi.

Fancy seeing you here.

Yeah, I didn't know you knew Ben and Ginny.

- Yeah, hi. - Hello.

I like your vintage dress.

Thanks, it's my superhero costume.

Is it?

Always.

Um, you are quite the amazon.

That's why she's good to have at a party

where we're trying to sell a lot of books.

Hey.

Hey.

Do you know Andrea Moore?

She wrote Anxiety is Freedom when was, what, 23?

Oh, yes, of course, great book.

Right, right, so, who are you, mate?

Sorry, who are you?

Oh, I don't matter.

Come on, man, everyone matters.

(MARTIN SCOFFS)

Everyone's got a good book in them too, you know?

I don't.

(MARTIN COUGHING)

(ANDREA CHUCKLES)

I'd better go. (COUGHING)

NICK: Sorry, man.

No, can I talk to you for a moment?

Yeah.

I, I,

I do not like that guy.

And I don't like this party.

- I'm going. - I'm staying.

How are you gonna get home?

Yes, I do remember that book.

It wasn't bad at all,

although I don't agree with the philosophy

behind the Anxiety is Freedom.

Even understand anxiety,

it's such a foreign concept to me.

You can go, it's fine.

What would you sister say if I just abandoned you here?

She doesn't care.

She doesn't do what you want her to do,

why would you do what she wants you to do?

MARTIN: Ugh.

EDITOR: So, you're English, are you?

- Yes. - Yeah, where are you from?

Golders Green.

- Golders Green. - Yeah.

Yes, I know, Golders Green, on the end of the tube line.

Yeah.

So I haven't followed you since your first book.

There hasn't been another one.

There hasn't been another one.

Andrea moved coasts,

so she's got an epic masterpiece under wraps.

Never leave too long between books.

That's what I always tell my clients.

So, I'm so sorry,

but your really, really remind me of someone.

It is on the tip of my tongue.

So just give me three, two, I have it.

I have it and I bet you get it all the time.

Amy Winehouse.

No.

I never got that.

- It's a compliment. - Hmm.

(GENTLE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

How was your night?

Can't complain.

(INHALES SHARPLY)

(SIGHS DEEPLY)

♪ Some people spend a lifetime

- Hmm. - Wait.

Hmm?

What do you think would be the most difficult song

to make love to?

You're always playing this mood music.

And I feel like you play it for all the girls, but like,

what would be a challenge?

NICK: Oh, god.

Free Nelson Mandela?

- You have that? - No.

- Punk would be tricky. - No, it's not.

Oh, okay, I've got it.

Yes, yes, ah!

NICK: This better be good.

ANDREA: Just wait for it.

(♪ "SHINY HAPPY PEOPLE" BY R.E.M.)

(NICK LAUGHING)

♪ Shiny happy people laughing

♪ Meet me in the crowd, people, people ♪

♪ Throw your love around, love me, love me ♪

♪ Take it into town, happy, happy ♪

♪ Put it in the ground where the flowers grow ♪

Can you leave your scrubs on, please?

NICK: Of course. (Andrea giggles)

♪ Gold and silver shine

(GENTLE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

Is this okay?

That I do this in front of you?

Yeah.

I never had a problem with drink.

You do, though.

Don't you have work to do?

No.

Today's my day off.

It's my drinking day.

Look at you.

You're so fucking sexy.

I fucking love fucking you.

You're not exactly a natural wordsmith, are you?

NICK: Yeah.

Come back.

I've got a conference call with my agent.

Do you still have an agent?

I don't know, to be honest.

Come back.

(♪ "LECHA DODI" BY DISTANT COUSINS)

(SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

(CONGREGATION CLAPPING)

Hi.

Hi, careful, my hair clip, oh.

Why are you reading TMZ?

If you're gonna waste your time,

can't you read a less disgusting site?

It's founded by one of your fellow congregants.

- Well, it's disgusting. - I know.

And that's why everyone hates the Jews.

That's not why.

Everyone does not hate the Jews.

You just say that 'cause you had Bad Dad.

Right, so I have good reason.

- I don't wanna read it. - Neither did I

until I got sucked in correcting all the grammatical errors,

which took forever.

You copy-edited the Daily Mail?

I tried to upload the fixed version,

but they weren't very receptive.

No more talking to crazy people.

You spent a really long time trying to get well.

You should be talking to sane people.

What sane people?

There aren't any left.

I don't have an agent.

I can't talk to Nick.

He's much too successful to just talk.

And you guys don't wanna hang out with me.

Okay, that's not true.

(TARA SIGHS)

These are so good.

MARTIN: Angel, what's wrong?

Hmm!

Nothing, it's just that time of the month.

Hmm.

Is there anything I can do?

- Hmm? - No.

Hmm, hmm, baby, hmm.

You're so wonderful.

You women, the way you cleanse yourself, hmm.

Hmm, hmm.

- Hey. - Hmm?

I just want you to feel close to me again.

Do you wanna come to services with me?

I thought you'd never ask.

Hmm, hmm.

(LIVELY MUSIC)

(SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

It's really nice that you brought me.

But

I should go to band practice

'cause we've only got a week left, should I go?

Right?

♪ Everybody, clap your hands

- Oh, fuck off. - Martin.

♪ Any thought

♪ Any prayer

♪ That is whispered

♪ In this world

♪ And the next world

♪ And the next world

♪ And the next world

Enjoy yourself. (SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

- Hi. - Hi, there.

- Hi, there. - Hi.

- And you must be? - Martin.

Martin, I'm David, Josie.

Hello, nice to meet...

I hear you're a fantastic musician.

And I'll paint your house for a 100 quid.

Wow, is that good?

No, not really.

(LAUGHING)

Well, we're big fans of your girl here.

Yeah, more woman.

I always end up explaining that.

To whom?

Um, myself, I think.

I really love the dancers.

- Well, that was Josie's idea. - Oh.

And they're part of the rally at the end of the month.

I'm sorry you can't make that.

- Hmm, unfortunately we can't. - We can't.

- Okay. - Okay.

Boy, the Holocaust was a terrible business, wasn't it?

I mean, just terrible business.

(STRUMMING GUITAR) (CAT MEOWING)

Why is it taking you so long to write again?

ANDREA: I got clean.

When was the last time you went to a meeting?

Um, I go twice a week.

So last time I went was a month ago.

That guy, that is a serious, look it,

he's a seriously good-looking guy.

Look, pfft.

He's not a writer.

He's a doctor.

He doesn't slave over sentences.

He's just a chancer who got lucky.

Fuck me, you're in love with him

and jealous of him as well.

There is no true love.

Only a finely tuned jealousy.

Oh.

- Did you write that? - Yes.

No, you didn't.

It's a Manic Street Preachers B-Side.

My influences are diverse.

MARTIN: Oh.

All I'm saying is that

something really sad happened to him,

and all he had to do was write it down.

He had to feel it.

He had to translate the feeling.

♪ There ain't hardly been a time ♪

♪ When that's been too good to lose ♪

♪ When I should know

♪ That I'm always free to choose ♪

TARA: Good day's work?

I'm sorry, I was just really focused on this thing.

I got you a Torah.

You're proselytizing now?

No, I just thought that you might get something out of it.

Thanks.

What's wrong with Perry?

What do you mean?

I mean he looks really weird.

He always looks weird.

(PHONE CHIMING)

Right, I'm gonna take him to the vet.

Okay, Perry.

Perry, I'm gonna take you to the vet

just as soon as I get back, okay?

(GENTLE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

(BOTH BREATHING DEEPLY)

I keep thinking of you there in Gaza

and all that you went through.

NICK: Yeah, come here.

Oh, god, everything I wanna say is so crazy.

I just wanna be stopped.

(ANDREA CRYING)

Hey, you okay?

Yeah.

- No. - I'm sorry.

When you say to me,

when you say to me that you wanna own me,

why you say that?

'Cause you're so beautiful.

Why do you wanna be owned?

'Cause I wanna be corralled by someone.

I wanna be led to some sort of safety in confinement.

I wish you didn't do this to yourself.

So do I.

It was the strangest thing,

waiting for my dad to come home from tour,

just waiting for him to pay attention to anything

but his fucking band, you know, and just.

But he couldn't, because then he would come home,

then he would come home and just want to get strung out.

That's horrible.

So then, when I was 15, I decided to join him, and I did.

And I did.

Jesus Christ.

It worked then for a few weeks.

But then he was so upset by what he'd done,

and he got clean.

NICK: Something cracked in him, I guess.

And I got stuck, you see?

I got stuck, I got hooked.

I got hooked and I couldn't get off of it.

(ANDREA CRYING)

NICK: You're all right.

(ANDREA GROANING)

I'm here.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

Perry?

(SMACKING LIPS)

Perry.

(SMACKING LIPS)

(SIGHS) Perry.

(PERRY MEOWING)

Oh!

So your cat hadn't urinated in over four days.

He has crystals in his urine

that can't pass through the tip of the urethra in his penis

because it's too narrow.

In extreme cases,

we castrate them and we reconstruct a vagina

so that the urethra is wide enough for the crystals to pass.

I'm afraid that's what we need to do to Perry.

You're joking.

I'm serious.

He'll die otherwise.

Be happy you got him here in time.

And that you gave him a unisex name.

TARA: Hey.

Where the fuck were you?

Yeah, I was helping the rabbi archive his sermons.

Of course you were.

What's that supposed to mean?

You think this man is gonna change your life

like some magical unicorn?

I don't think that he really unicorn.

You think he's a Pegasus?

Some sort of Yiddish leprechaun?

One who's going to grant your wish

and lead you to your pot o' gelt?

Oh, so should I be like you?

Chasing a man in the prime of his career

and screwing every girl he can,

texting you when he possibly remember to give a fuck?

Ladies.

Calm down.

EDITOR: Ahem.

Hi, gorgeous, missed you.

All right, no, you can't be here to talk about promotion.

We're flogging a dead horse here.

No, I'm not, we're not flogging anything.

Um, you excuse me a minute?

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

It's okay.

Fuck.

Fuck!

(GENTLE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

If I get the risotto,

you'll help me out with that, would you?

The ninth printing of your memoir has been halted,

effective immediately.

Why?

All existing copies are being pulped and you know why.

I don't know why.

Ah, god, don't do this, this is dull.

Are we really gonna do this?

I don't know why.

Can you fill me in?

Hmm. (CHUCKLES)

You see, Nick, there wasn't a Naima.

You made her up.

Your whole tragic love story was an invention.

I'm so sorry.

EDITOR: I actually don't think that you are.

When I realized that you'd figured it out,

I went into the bathroom and I vomited into the trash can.

Show me the vomit.

What?

If you were in the bathroom, by a loo,

why would you vomit into a trash can?

You see, Nick,

it just doesn't make sense.

I'm sorry you found out.

Are you all right?

Can you come by?

Tonight, please, come by, tonight.

I need to talk to you.

Because I feel like I can.

♪ Shiny happy people holding

♪ Shiny happy people...

Hey, um,

do you think that Martin's gonna be okay for his show?

Yeah, I mean, he's certainly excited about it.

Mainly for you to be there.

You've never seen that part of his life.

Right, but do you think that he's ready?

Um, he's definitely been eating in preparation for it.

Has he?

Tara, he's gained, like, 10 pounds in the last week.

(PHONE RINGING)

Oh, shh, it's him, hi.

Hi, baby.

It's your baby.

Shh, sorry, babe.

I can't really hear you right now.

That's because he's eating the phone.

He's accidentally dialed the number with his tooth.

- No. - Shh!

Let me call you right back.

Okay, I love you too, bye. (ANDREA SQUEALING)

Are you just bathing in your bras and underwear?

I'm washing 'em, killing two birds with one stone.

Yeah, but then you're just stewing in your own filth.

Always.

Pared the set list down from 12 to 10,

gonna leave them wanting more, blah blah blah.

And sold 400 tickets.

TARA: Can we get home?

Sir, can I ask you?

How old are your dogs?

Is the one that you're holding six or seven,

and your son's, three?

Seven and three, yeah.

Seven and three.

I've still got it, baby.

I really, really need to pee.

So go.

Look, right there.

I painted the sign myself.

That doesn't look like a lady.

And yet you know that that is a lady.

I'll just skip it.

Because I'm not Basquiat, you'd rather, what,

- piss in your pants? - Yeah, I would.

Hmm, okay.

Basquiat was an abstractist,

so that wasn't a good example.

Well, Wittgenstein was a philosopher,

and he basically said

that if you recognize something as a sign,

then it is a correct sign.

That's a lady.

(SIGHS DEEPLY)

What?

I'm sure I'm not the first kid to piss myself

on that jungle gym.

You're not a kid.

Just 'cause you're younger than me, you're an adult.

You're meant to be.

TARA: Is there any situation

in which you wouldn't be attracted to me?

What?

I'm not attracted to you right now, okay?

You're scaring me.

What's with you?

What's changed?

What have I done?

- It's like I annoy you. - Yeah, you're annoying.

You're a fucking cunt!

Do you want those washed?

That was unforgivable.

You're beautiful, you're not a cunt.

I am, though.

I hate it.

I didn't wanna spoil the surprise,

but I've written you a song.

TARA: I don't wanna hear it right now.

I'll play it for you tomorrow night.

Okay.

Why weren't you answering me?

I was going crazy.

My cat had actually had an emergency sex change.

It cost $5,000.

They found, like, crystals got caught in his urine

and they actually blocked his penis,

so they had to remove the entire thing.

It kinda felt like a sign, I mean the castration part.

I think we should break up.

Why?

If what we're having is meaningless,

what meaning is there in breaking up?

Have you lost weight?

Why?

Your boobs look smaller.

Do you want your money back?

No, Jesus, what do you think of me?

Look, you were just so sad last time you were here,

I was worried.

So worried that you had to leave while I was sleeping.

I had to clear my head.

I really don't know you.

I mean, other than your memoir.

Look, I'm a good guy, really.

I know, it says so in your novel.

R.E.M.

I don't want to listen to R.E.M. right now.

Okay, right, R.E.M., they were seen as hollow

just because they were so fucking popular,

but they were special.

And just because

they were on the fucking radio all the time,

it doesn't negate the songs that Michael Stipe wrote.

Are you saying that you are the Michael Stipe

of this situation?

You know,

I loved the part in your novel where you say...

Wait.

- ...that the mouth... - I'm sorry.

You read my novel?

Of course, I had to.

I had to piece it together.

We have great sex.

Thank you.

No, I mean, it's not you, it's just chemistry.

Okay.

What do you think it means?

I think it means that we are compatible in some way.

But you don't want that.

No, and neither do you.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(CROWD CHATTERING)

Thank you.

Hello, there.

Um, so, we are in a little bit of a delay right now.

There's a lot of traffic, people can't get here.

I guess the moral of the story is

don't schedule a rally during rush hour in Los Angeles.

But people are coming in.

We're hoping for a very large turnout

because this is such, such a test of people's compassion.

Okay.

Thank you.

Okay, the ones that are here are really passionate.

Oh, please don't.

There's nobody here.

- Well... - I can't.

- No, there's... - Jo.

JOSIE: There's a really big accident...

- Jo. - Okay.

- They're coming, though. - Jo, Jo.

We don't even have enough for minion man march.

What is wrong with people?

(SIGHS DEEPLY)

- Hi. - Oh, hey, hey.

- Hello. - Hello.

- Nice, um. - Andrea.

This is my girlfriend's big sister.

ANDREA: Big sis, the older one.

Let's go.

- You, you don't know. - Nice to meet you.

- It's so smoky, it's like... - Well, it is a club.

Yeah, but I can't sing.

Can't you stop being such an old man?

MARTIN: Not really. (Andrea laughs)

Where is she?

Uh, I mean, she must be on her way.

She's probably having trouble parking.

I have to do something, I'm sorry.

MARTIN: What?

ANDREA: It's going to help, I promise.

Oh, no, no.

- No, no, no, no. - Please, please.

Fuck off, fuck off.

ANDREA: I want you to look great.

Look, I'm, I'm old, I mean.

Yeah, but you can be old and sexy too.

I just, uh.

All right, oh, sorry.

Okay.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

♪ What gives this mess some grace ♪

♪ Unless it's kicks, man

♪ Unless it's fiction

♪ Unless it's sweat or it's songs ♪

♪ What hits against this chest

♪ Unless it's a sick man's hand ♪

♪ From some mid-level band

♪ He's been driving too long

♪ On a dark windless night (AUDIENCE CHEERING)

♪ With the stereo on

♪ And the towns flying by

♪ And the ground getting soft

♪ And the sound

♪ From down

♪ Unless it's tricks, man

- Hey. - Hi.

Yay.

♪ I am convinced that I will not get so broke up again ♪

♪ And on a seven-day high

♪ That heavenly song

♪ Punches right through my mind ♪

♪ And it pumps through my blood ♪

♪ And I know it's a lie

♪ But I still give my love

♪ And the heart's all locked up ♪

♪ For your hands to pluck off, oh ♪

♪ What gives this mess some grace ♪

♪ Unless it's fiction

♪ Unless it's licks, man

♪ Unless it's lies or it's love ♪

♪ What breaks our heart the most ♪

I'm, uh, happy to see you, but I didn't expect to see you.

You made plans to your boyfriend's show or something.

Yeah, plans change.

Ah, okay.

♪ I wanna tell her that your love isn't lost ♪

♪ Say, my heart is still crossed ♪

♪ Scream, you're so wonderful

♪ What a dream in the dark

♪ About working so hard

♪ About growing so stoned

Actually, plans didn't change.

I just wanted to be here with you.

♪ Believe in the light on your own ♪

♪ La, la, la, la

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh

(AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)

I didn't realize you could sing like that.

I didn't know.

Sorry, I'm so impressed.

Where was she?

She didn't tell me what a big deal you were.

She doesn't really know.

Where was she?

I don't know.

Hi, can I get you a drink?

Oh, um, uh.

Thank you, no, I'm taken, but thank you, though.

Come on, now.

Are you crazy?

She only wanted to buy you a drink.

Fuck Tara, she isn't fucking here.

You want me to cheat on your sister?

- That's not gonna happen. - No.

No, I'm not, I would not like you to cheat on my sister,

but I would like her to treat you better.

She treats me fine.

Hmm, then where is she?

You're right, she should be here.

Hmm.

Um.

I can't.

Why?

It won't make me any younger.

It won't make me less committed to another woman.

Tara, but I can't.

You're gonna make a lot of mistakes in your life.

I don't wanna be one of them.

(ANDREA MOANING)

Sorry.

You look like her, you smell like her.

But you are nice to me, and I...

It's okay.

Didn't mean anything.

Just that you're not happy.

So why do you put up with it?

- Because I love her. - Hmm.

How was it? (GENTLE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

He kissed me

for a second.

He thought I was you.

He wanted me to be you.

Of course he wants me to be you. (SOBBING)

(SIGHS DEEPLY)

You should have been there.

You missed out.

(SIGHS DEEPLY)

I don't wanna be with you anymore.

Okay, just

tell me what I need to do to fix it.

Why don't you kiss my sister again?

Oh, fuck off.

You're a coward.

(PERRY MEOWING)

Hey, how old is your dog, nine, 10?

She's one. (DOG PANTING)

Don't look at my dog.

(TENSE MUSIC)

He doesn't have to go back to Australia.

I told him he didn't even have to move out of the house.

Of course he does.

You're so fucking selfish.

I mean,

when you love someone,

your lives intertwine.

You take responsibility for them.

He took responsibility for you.

Yeah, he's older than me.

You should have taken responsibility for him.

(♪ "DEAR JOHN" BY RYAN ADAMS AND NORAH JONES)

♪ A house full of walls

♪ And utility bills

Are you going to be okay?

♪ The company calls

♪ I got a nice bed to sleep on

I don't really have much of a choice now, do I?

Yes, you do.

You could fall into a pit of sorrow and despair.

Yeah, that's a choice.

You? (CLEARS THROAT)

ANDREA: I'm going to dwell

and turn the sadness over and over

in my mouth like a fine wine.

Of course you are.

♪ And the other one's gone

I'm gonna leave you with some words of wisdom, if I may.

You keep trying to get inside of this man

and you're banging your head against the sky

because you can't, but he is just someone you conjured

so you don't have to deal with reality.

♪ But most of them went

♪ Last time

♪ 'Cause you're always mine to keep when you're gone ♪

♪ Two silver rings

♪ One's on your finger and the other one's gone ♪

♪ Went underground with you, oh John ♪

♪ Oh John

♪ Oh John

♪ Oh John ♪ I miss you

♪ I miss you

Are you free?

Would you like a regular facial or an express?

Doesn't matter, regular, I guess.

(GENTLE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

I just wanna say that I'm sorry if I ever hurt you.

TARA: Close your eyes.

I'm just gonna leave this for 10 minutes.

I'll be outside.

(LATCH CLICKING)

(SIGHS DEEPLY)

(DOOR CLICKING)

(SIGHS DEEPLY)

Dammit.

(DOOR CLICKING)

Time's up.

(SIGHS DEEPLY)

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

Pfft, it's fucking ridiculous.

Yeah?

I'm not.

Fucking kidding me?

- Andrea. - Hmm.

Andrea, wake up.

Look, look, look.

ANDREA: What am I looking at?

There wasn't really a Naima.

So who was there?

No one, he's just a man alone with a story in his head.

That is so fucked.

Are you pissed?

- Uh, no. - Why?

Because we all make up stories, we all lie.

I don't.

Yes, you do.

You lie to yourself that the rabbi was going to marry you.

I'm not saying that as a judgment, I'm really not.

I mean, I, I've been lying that I am finishing my book.

You are finishing your book.

- You're almost done. - No, I'm absolutely not.

The only thing I wrote this summer

was a few clever texts to Nick.

Oh, and I wrote an essay.

That's good.

I sent it out about two weeks ago.

Still waiting to hear back.

Oh, you'll like this.

You copy edited the Torah?

Yeah.

There were too many ands.

Look, I'll show you.

And Abraham went up out of Egypt,

and he went on his journey from the South to Bethlehem,

and Abraham called out in the name of the Lord.

It's too much.

But you read it?

ANDREA: Mm-hmm.

The whole thing?

Yes.

So you really are a doctor?

I really am a doctor.

And you really did volunteer in Gaza?

Yeah.

But there wasn't a Naima.

There was an Arab girl at a McDonald's

that I thought was really pretty.

What?

She stayed in my head.

And what happened to her?

She just stayed in my head.

Wow, really, that's amazing.

That's real writing.

That's experience strained through imagination.

Do you know that?

You know, I only lied about love.

That was the only thing I lied about.

That's why everyone is so upset.

If you had lied about anything else,

they would have forgiven you by now.

Then my editor said that she knew all along

that there was something hollow about the heart of all this.

She didn't.

No.

She actually wants me to go on The View to apologize.

Don't do that, you shouldn't do that.

I don't feel I have to.

I don't think what I did was so wrong.

I just made it how I wanted it to be.

What about you?

You think I'm a horrible person?

Yes, I do.

But not because of that.

I actually like you more now.

Oh, don't do that.

What, like you?

Yeah.

Why, does it make you like me less?

Yeah.

You're a pretty great girl otherwise.

(♪ "UNTOGETHER" BY BELLY)

♪ I was friendly with this girl ♪

- ♪ Who insisted - Wait.

♪ On touching my face

♪ She told outrageous stories

♪ I believed them

♪ Till the endings were changing from endings before ♪

♪ She's not touching me anymore ♪

♪ Untogether

(CAR HORN HONKING) (TIRES SQUEALING)

♪ I couldn't help her

♪ I got hard

♪ You can try your life

COUNSELOR: Do you wanna introduce yourself, Nick?

Do I really need an introduction?

Please?

I'm Nick, and I'm,

and I'm a doctor.

And I'm also,

I'm also a, I'm also a kind of a writer.

Well, I was kind of a writer, but I can't really write,

but I did come up with a good story.

And?

Mm-hmm, yep.

And, um,

and I'm a prick and a liar,

and I deserve everything that befell me.

Everything that, um,

I deserve everything that happened to me.

Befell is overwritten.

(GENTLE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

Holy shit. (LAUGHING)

Holy shit.

I'm in fucking rehab

and you're gonna drive me back to drink.

I don't drive.

Ah, fucking brilliant, Andrea, New Yorker worthy.

Oh, but wait, it didn't come out of my mouth,

so why would you bother using it?

ANDREA: Oh, you don't like the article?

What are you talking about?

No, I loved it.

I love having my life spread across the fucking page

for the world to read.

ANDREA: You did it yourself.

I did it to myself?

Are you fucking kidding me?

This isn't even writing.

You made me do things to you

so you'd have something to write about again.

You realize that?

ANDREA: I didn't make you do anything.

Except that I'm fucking here, I'm here, I'm here,

but it's fiction?

ANDREA: Yes, it's fiction.

It's my fiction.

It's from my pen to my paper.

It's mine as soon as it hits the page.

But you're describing me.

You're describing my cock, and what I like to drink.

You're writing about how I am in bed.

ANDREA: So what?

So what?

I wish I'd never met you.

I could have put it anywhere.

I could have had anyone.

It's just filling holes.

Those fucks we had were not worth it.

ANDREA: They were for me.

Yeah?

Well, you're a fucking vampire!

Crack, right?

CRACKHEAD: Fuck you.

Fuck you!

Fuck you in the ass with my titties!

Fuck you!

Fuck you in the ass with my titties!

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello.

- Hi, Andrea? - Yeah.

WOMAN: Just checking in to see how things are healing.

Who is this?

VETERINARIAN: This is the Animal Surgical

and Veterinary Hospital.

Oh, hi, hi.

Yeah, I can't get him to stop licking the wound.

VETERINARIAN: If he keeps licking the wound,

it isn't gonna heal properly, so you have to cover it,

but not with a bandage.

So then, with what then?

VETERINARIAN: A t-shirt.

A t-shirt?

(GENTLE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

Look at all the different elephants, seven, eight.

The holographic one. (BOTH GASPING)

With the massive trunk coming through.

So what massive, massive, massive 3D trunk.

What's the name of that week long intensive driving course

that you wanted me to take?

♪ Shiny happy people holding

♪ Shiny happy people holding

♪ Shiny happy people laughing

(VOCALIZING)

(GENTLE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

Why are you going to him when you just sent him away?

Because I made a really, really bad mistake.

Maybe, but you're 23.

You're allowed to get it wrong.

And you can tell him that.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

Um...

All right, I'll carry it for you.

(GRUNTING SOFTLY)

And this right here.

There you go.

You should check your mirrors,

make sure they're all in place.

Oh, look, look,

you're not gonna get too far with these on, though.

I get that from the start.

Oh, okay.

(URINE SPLASHING)

(PHONE CHIMING)

I shouldn't have shouted like that.

My throat still hurts.

I finally had the guts to re-read what you wrote about us

and this time it made me want to die 52% less.

I felt the writing was

(PHONE CHIMING) great.

Haiku for Perry.

Crystals are for snow and jewels.

Not good in cats.

Girls are better anyway.

Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair.

Or your ire.

You can come up here to me.

Okay, then.

I got smacked in the face at the bus stop by a crackhead.

Jesus Christ.

Did they catch him?

Was a her.

And no, they didn't.

It's the LAPD, do you think they care?

Probably not.

I care.

Can I stay with you?

Here?

Um,

yes.

But your face is making me shy. (CHUCKLES)

It's making me shy too.

Do you remember what you said the first night when we...

None of that means anything to me.

Can we just start again?

(GENTLE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

Do you wanna drive us to breakfast?

I can't drive without passenger who has a license.

All right.

Well, if neither of us are capable of driving,

then I guess we're just gonna have to walk.

(♪ "COME TOGETHER" BY PRIMAL SCREAM)

♪ This is a beautiful day

♪ It is a new day

♪ We are together

♪ We are unified, and all for the cause ♪

♪ Because together, we got power ♪

♪ Apart, we got power

♪ Today on this program, you will hear gospel ♪

♪ And rhythm and blues and jazz ♪

♪ All those are just labels

♪ We know that music is music

♪ Today on this program, you will hear gospel ♪

♪ And rhythm and blues and jazz ♪

♪ All those are just labels

♪ We know that music is music

♪ Gospel

♪ Gospel

♪ Gospel

♪ Gospel

♪ Gospel

♪ Come

♪ Together as one

♪ Come

♪ Together as one

♪ Come

♪ Together as one

♪ Come

♪ Together as one

♪ Come ♪ This is a beautiful day

♪ Together as one ♪ It is a new day

♪ Come ♪ This is a beautiful day

♪ Together as one ♪ It is a new day

♪ We are together ♪ Come

♪ We are together ♪ Together as one

♪ We are unified

♪ We are together ♪ Come

♪ Together as one

♪ Because together, we got power ♪

♪ Apart, we got power ♪ Together as one

♪ We are together ♪ Come

♪ Together as one

♪ Today on this program, you will hear gospel ♪

♪ And rhythm and blues and jazz ♪

♪ All those are just labels ♪ Come

♪ We know that music is music ♪ Together as one

♪ Gospel ♪ Come

♪ Gospel

♪ Together as one ♪ Gospel

♪ Gospel

♪ We are together ♪ Come

♪ We are unified

Subtitles by explosiveskull