Original subtitles

Um, guys, I thought bachelorette parties were supposed to be raunchy.

All they're doing is just talking.

However, they did give me these really nice little candies, but

what do you think they are? Hot dogs?

Oh, honey, hot dogs don't have testicles.

No way! Candy penises! That's my second favorite kind of penis.

Well, I'm just proud of you guys for not being over there

hitting on the vulnerable girls who are sad that

they aren't the ones getting married. That's totally lame.

Oh really? Is it so lame, Les? You think it's lame that I've...

Oh, it's so lame, huh? Maybe it's lame that I've had sex with one of them already.

But so what? I'm just trying to make friends.

And of course I did say, you know, if their stripper doesn't

show up, I would sub in. That's the friendly

thing to do when your body moves like this.

Danny, I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told

my mom at the Pistons game after she finished her second beer.

I love you but please don't take your pants off.

Forget about the bachelorettes, alright? Candace and I decided something.

- Come here Boo. Right. Tell him. - Danny...

We're tired of getting to know whatever dumb ass you're dating.

They're not all dumb.

The girl you brought to Thanksgiving thought Syria was a cool way

- cool way to say serious. - Yeah. Remember because she was like:

"Oh, I love this gravy. Oh my God. I'm being totally Syria."

- She was an idiot. - Ah, you're right.

Look, the point is that a friend of mine just moved back

in town. I think the two of you would really click.

We all met her. She's actually pretty great

Oh, you guys think you need to set me up?

Hahahaha!

That's hilarious. I'm going to laugh at all your faces. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

And a British one for you. "Hello! Ho!"

Hey, you know what? The joke is on you guys anyway alright?

I already met a really chill girl at the party named Charlotte.

She's really fun, smart, sexy, [british accent] A little naughty.

- She sounds like the perfect 10. - Ooh.

What are you guys talking about?

Danny, I knew you wouldn't go for a girl if we tried to hook

you up. I guess we lucked out, because you just met her.

No, no, no. Charlotte.

Please tell me you're not friends with Justin?

Justin? You mean this little dork who used to do my

homework when we were 10 because I let him see me naked?

The joke's on her. I loved homework.

Well, so what did Justin tell about me?

Did he say I looked like a young Keanu Reeves.

No, you don't look like a young anyone because of how time works.

Oh, she's a keeper.

You know, I hope they actually work out, you know, this time.

-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -- -- www.addic7ed.com --

_

Oh, you guys see "The Wiz" last night? It was awesome.

I mean it was just so nice to see that many

black people on TV, and it wasn't even the NBA finals.

Brett, you should get in the game.

That bachelorette party probably brought one of their hot gay best friends.

You're right. Let me just get a quick pump on.

How's that?

Yeah, you fixed it.

Can I get a black eye? It's a shot of whisky with a black and tan

How about a shot of whisky with a white and chunky?

I'm kidding, I'm kidding. My name is Brett and I hate myself.

I thought it was cute. You wanna sneak outta here?

- So who is getting married? - My new boss Suzy.

That's her right over there.

- You go, girl! - You go too.

Straight to hell.

I hate that woman. She has perfect skin, a great

ass, and her dad gifted her a fashion line.

Don't be mad. You have some of those things.

Ok. What are you into? I feel like your sex

life is a lot like Nick Cage's movie career.

You'll do anything.

And you kind of have Nick Cage's hairline.

You know, just because you post picture of dogs

on Instagram doesn't mean you're a good person.

Do you know what? I would not piss me off, because I will get this show canceled too.

- Definitely watch it. - Anyway, I feel like...

Speaking of Nicolas Cage...

Speaking of Nicolas Cage, I'm glad you brought him up. I feel like when he has sex

when he climaxes, he ends up saying his own name like this: Oh! Oh! Oh! Nick Cage.

I have a kid. I like to get that out there early.

And I know what you're gonna say:

"You're way too young to have a kid".

- Is that me? - Yeah!

That's a really good impression. So you have a kid. That's really cool.

Did you just like make that with your body?

Yep. That's kind of how it works.

He's 4. So my body has had plenty of time to bounce back, tighten up, you know?

Am I am scaring you away or are you going to ask me out at some point?

I was going to ask you out but for the past hour you've

been talking about how your vagina bounced back so...

Anyway, do you want to go out tomorrow?

Sure, if you cut your hair and get off Vine.

Yeah. We did it! What the hell was that?

Don't act like you two knew this was going to work out. Okay?

You know what? You're right. I'm a silly goose. A silly penguin.

If I knew my best friend and oldest gal pal were going to get together well,

I would probably invite the gospel choir I sing with every week to celebrate.

1, 2, 3, 4.

Hallelujah

hallelujah and they shall date forever and ever hallelujah

hallelujah

hallelujah hallelujah

hallelujah

hallelujah hallelujah

You know, I haven't seen Brett in a while.

What happened to him and that guy last night?

He actually was just texting me.

What do you think it means when there's a picture of a keg and a donkey?

Oh, it means he tapped that ass.

Oh, my gosh. You look so cute all cleaned up.

I promised I wouldn't get excited, but I'm so excited that you're excited.

Could you guys stop treating me like a kid that's getting ready to go to prom.

You're right. I'm going to take some pictures.

I know you're not going to stop me because you don't want

an ugly photo with me out there so you'll always pose.

Please put the phone...

Please don't take any pictures dude. I hate when you take any pictures.

- That's a good one actually. Post that. - Yes!

You know, dating a woman with a child is a big deal, Danny. How do you feel about it?

Whatever. Charlotte has a kid. What's the big deal?

Are you kidding me. Dating someone with a kid is a huge deal.

My mother was a single parent. I got attached

to every guy she dated, Jose, Hector, Esteban.

Justin's mom worked in a Mexican restaurant.

That's not the point, the point is,

when you date someone with a kid, it's immediately more serious. It's real.

- It's muy importante. - Do you guys all feel this way?

- [All agreeing] - Si.

Whoo. Somebody looks like a sexy vampire

- I'm a call you Count Rackula. - Thanks, Shel.

I'm wearing three pairs of Spanx. They're so tight I had to ride

in my Uber like this. You ready to go?

Hey, Charlotte, look, I'm sorry, I don't

think I can be your son's Esteban. Gotta go.

Did you screw this up by telling him your story about your mom and Pablo and Juan and

- all the other busboys that she banged. - Esteban was a waiter.

Do what you think you're better than him because

you had a talk show that lasted a week?

First of all, it was 12 weeks. Second of all, does anyone want

to make this day any worse? Do you want to put on your Netflix special?

- Yep. - You mean it.

Yeah, I think I can make your day worse.

So you know the gay guy that was at your friend's bachelorette party?

There was no gay guy there. Just the groom stopped by for a minute.

Exactly. So I had sex with the groom.

- Do you think Charlotte's still mad? - Yeah, I'm still mad.

You set me up with a guy who bails on me and then Mary Poppins over here decided to

open up her umbrella inside my boss' fianc?.

Okay, don't be pissed at me okay? As soon as I realized

it was the groom, I had a shower and got out of there.

Be honest, Brett. Were you alone in that shower?

Was I alone? Let me see if I can remember. There were two penises, so no.

How am I supposed to tell my boss her fianc? is gay?

It's simple. Casually bring it up at work.

Why are you whispering?

I'm sorry. I'm just saying you go into the break room and you pull out a

yogurt or a parfait and walk up to her and say do you know what I love?

I love how the fruit is on the bottom. Do you know who else loves to be

on the bottom?

By the way, do you know who else likes to be a bottom? You!

Hey. Hey.

Don't defend me.

Do you know what? Regardless of that comment,

I feel like you and Danny would have been very lovely together. You're both loud.

You're both offensive. You're both edgy. And you both are very pale.

It's unfortunate. You would have been a really good couple.

- Thank you. - You seem like the female Danny.

I wish I could find a female Shelly.

Shelly, look!

- Do you want to smoke weed? - Do you want to smoke weed?

I can't believe you ran out on Charlotte just because she has a kid.

Look, I'm mad at myself too. You know the movie

"Footloose" when Kevin Bacon is so pissed at

the world because he just wants to dance but it's against the law?

I've been doing that angry dance.

- You know taking off is super weak? - Why did you even bring Burski?

I didn't know he was in the car until I pulled in the driveway.

I was hiding in the back seat.

Why don't you just go out with Charlotte and see how it goes.

Because I really liked her.

I had an hour-long conversation with her and I wouldn't mind doing it again.

It's like who feels that way?

I know it's scary when a relationship feels like

it's going to be real before it even starts.

Well, exactly it's terrifying. There's a kid involved.

You know he's going to think that I'm awesome.

I don't know what to do, if I screw it up? There's a

kid involved, what's going to happen with the kid?

Oh my god, you make me so mad!

Look, the one thing I've always felt about you as my brother is that it makes me

jealous that have this completely unearned confidence.

Yeah I get it. You know that voice in everyone's

head that everyone hears inside themselves.

Mine goes like this. "Danny, you're cool and awesome and look awesome and you

definitely don't have Nicholas Cage's hairline."

Wow, the voice inside my head just says "wine and Cheese-its are not a meal."

That's really sad. Look, you know, it's like the problem is with Charlotte, she

twists me up so much, that that voice is gone.

Hey, Danny. You're awesome. And you got the second best hair on the show.

What are you doing?

I'm saying if you need it, I'll be the voice in your head.

Because you've got the chance at something real here man.

Every day I walk into that bar,

and I hang out with a girl I'm crazy about

in hopes that one day maybe if I wait long enough,

something real might happen. And you're lucky, dude. You don't have to wait.

Don't miss your chance, man.

Never speak of this moment.

I kissed your sister.

Thank you again for hosting my

- bachelorette party. - Welcome.

Doug would you settle up with the bartender.

Make sure you give him a big tip.

Oh trust me. He already did.

Hahahahaha Good one, Shelly.

You know, Susie, Netflix over here has something to tell you.

- Hello. - Hi.

Susie, when you and Doug go out for ice cream, and you know, you split a hot

fudge sundae, you get it with all the works,

the sprinkles, the whipped cream, the nuts?

- No, Doug hates nuts. - No, that's where you're wrong.

You know that old saying if you don't have anything nice to say,

just let your boss marry a gay guy.

Oh, hey, Charlotte, good, you're still here. Hey, can we talk?

Yeah, let me just say bye to my friends real fast.

Hey, Suse. It's real nice to see you again.

By the way, really cool move to bring your friend

to the party. He is really hot and got along with my friend a-ok.

How long have you guys...?

Have you been old friends or what?

- Excuse me? - I'm wondering how long

you've known Brett's boyfriend?

- What? - No, no, no. No, Danny, no boyfriend.

Right, right, I gotcha loud and clear. How long have you known the guy

that's having sex with Brett?

- What are you talking about? - I feel like I'm being very clear here.

He had sexual intercourse

with him, and I'm wondering how long you've known him.

- Wait! You're gay? Are you kidding me? - Whoa, whoa, whoa, lady.

It is 2015, ok? Why don't you give me one good reason these two men

can't have hot beautiful sweaty sex together?

Because this man is my fianc?.

Yeah, that's actually a really good reason.

Bye, Susie. Nice job, hipster Jesus.

Oh, you already ruined one relationship.

What are you going to do here, Danny?

If I were you, I'd ask her out again unless you're chicken.

Hey, listen, I'm sorry for

abandoning you the first time. I'd like to have,

another chance, you know, make it up to you.

Would you let me take you out for some pizza maybe?

Sorry, you blew it.

Just kidding. I wanted to pretend I had self-respect.

Yep, you see, I knew that would work out.

No, you didn't.

Choir!

-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -- -- www.addic7ed.com --

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