All language subtitles for Undateable s03e08 A Bachelorette Party Walks Into A Bar.eng

Um, guys, I thought bachelorette
parties were supposed to be raunchy.

All they're doing
is just talking.

However, they did give me these
really nice little candies, but

what do you think they
are? Hot dogs?

Oh, honey, hot dogs don't have testicles.

No way! Candy penises!
That's my second favorite kind of penis.

Well, I'm just proud of you
guys for not being over there

hitting on the vulnerable
girls who are sad that

they aren't the ones getting
married. That's totally lame.

Oh really? Is it so lame, Les?
You think it's lame that I've...

Oh, it's so lame, huh? Maybe it's lame that
I've had sex with one of them already.

But so what? I'm just trying
to make friends.

And of course I did say, you know,
if their stripper doesn't

show up, I would sub in.
That's the friendly

thing to do when your
body moves like this.

Danny, I'm gonna tell you
the same thing I told

my mom at the Pistons game
after she finished her second beer.

I love you but please
don't take your pants off.

Forget about the bachelorettes, alright?
Candace and I decided something.

- Come here Boo. Right. Tell him.
- Danny...

We're tired of getting to know whatever
dumb ass you're dating.

They're not all dumb.

The girl you brought to Thanksgiving
thought Syria was a cool way

- cool way to say serious.
- Yeah. Remember because she was like:

"Oh, I love this gravy. Oh my
God. I'm being totally Syria."

- She was an idiot.
- Ah, you're right.

Look, the point is that a friend
of mine just moved back

in town. I think the two
of you would really click.

We all met her. She's
actually pretty great

Oh, you guys think
you need to set me up?

Hahahaha!

That's hilarious. I'm going to laugh
at all your faces. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

And a British one for you.
"Hello! Ho!"

Hey, you know what? The joke is
on you guys anyway alright?

I already met a really chill
girl at the party named Charlotte.

She's really fun, smart, sexy,
[british accent] A little naughty.

- She sounds like the perfect 10.
- Ooh.

What are you guys talking about?

Danny, I knew you wouldn't go
for a girl if we tried to hook

you up. I guess we lucked
out, because you just met her.

No, no, no. Charlotte.

Please tell me you're
not friends with Justin?

Justin? You mean this little
dork who used to do my

homework when we were 10
because I let him see me naked?

The joke's on her. I loved homework.

Well, so what did
Justin tell about me?

Did he say I looked like
a young Keanu Reeves.

No, you don't look like a young
anyone because of how time works.

Oh, she's a keeper.

You know, I hope they actually
work out, you know, this time.

-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe --
-- www.addic7ed.com --

_

Oh, you guys see "The Wiz" last night?
It was awesome.

I mean it was just so
nice to see that many

black people on TV, and
it wasn't even the NBA finals.

Brett, you should get in the game.

That bachelorette party probably brought
one of their hot gay best friends.

You're right. Let me just get a
quick pump on.

How's that?

Yeah, you fixed it.

Can I get a black eye? It's a shot
of whisky with a black and tan

How about a shot of whisky
with a white and chunky?

I'm kidding, I'm kidding. My name is
Brett and I hate myself.

I thought it was cute.
You wanna sneak outta here?

- So who is getting married?
- My new boss Suzy.

That's her right over there.

- You go, girl!
- You go too.

Straight to hell.

I hate that woman. She has
perfect skin, a great

ass, and her dad gifted
her a fashion line.

Don't be mad. You have
some of those things.

Ok. What are you into?
I feel like your sex

life is a lot like Nick Cage's
movie career.

You'll do anything.

And you kind of have Nick Cage's hairline.

You know, just because you
post picture of dogs

on Instagram doesn't mean
you're a good person.

Do you know what? I would not piss me off,
because I will get this show canceled too.

- Definitely watch it.
- Anyway, I feel like...

Speaking of Nicolas Cage...

Speaking of Nicolas Cage, I'm glad you
brought him up. I feel like when he has sex

when he climaxes, he ends up saying his
own name like this: Oh! Oh! Oh! Nick Cage.

I have a kid. I like to get
that out there early.

And I know what you're gonna say:

"You're way too young to have a kid".

- Is that me?
- Yeah!

That's a really good impression. So you
have a kid. That's really cool.

Did you just like make that with your body?

Yep. That's kind of how it works.

He's 4. So my body has had plenty of time
to bounce back, tighten up, you know?

Am I am scaring you away or are
you going to ask me out at some point?

I was going to ask you out
but for the past hour you've

been talking about how your
vagina bounced back so...

Anyway, do you want
to go out tomorrow?

Sure, if you cut your hair
and get off Vine.

Yeah. We did it! What the hell was that?

Don't act like you two knew this
was going to work out. Okay?

You know what? You're right. I'm a silly
goose. A silly penguin.

If I knew my best friend and oldest
gal pal were going to get together well,

I would probably invite the gospel choir
I sing with every week to celebrate.

1, 2, 3, 4.

You know, I haven't
seen Brett in a while.

What happened to him and
that guy last night?

He actually was just texting me.

What do you think it means when
there's a picture of a keg and a donkey?

Oh, it means he tapped that ass.

Oh, my gosh. You
look so cute all cleaned up.

I promised I wouldn't get excited,
but I'm so excited that you're excited.

Could you guys stop treating me like a
kid that's getting ready to go to prom.

You're right. I'm going
to take some pictures.

I know you're not going to
stop me because you don't want

an ugly photo with me out
there so you'll always pose.

Please put the phone...

Please don't take any pictures dude.
I hate when you take any pictures.

- That's a good one actually. Post that.
- Yes!

You know, dating a woman with a child is a
big deal, Danny. How do you feel about it?

Whatever. Charlotte has a
kid. What's the big deal?

Are you kidding me. Dating
someone with a kid is a huge deal.

My mother was a single parent.
I got attached

to every guy she dated,
Jose, Hector, Esteban.

Justin's mom worked
in a Mexican restaurant.

That's not the point, the point is,

when you date someone with a kid,
it's immediately more serious. It's real.

- It's muy importante.
- Do you guys all feel this way?

- [All agreeing]
- Si.

Whoo. Somebody looks like a sexy vampire

- I'm a call you Count Rackula.
- Thanks, Shel.

I'm wearing three pairs of Spanx.
They're so tight I had to ride

in my Uber like this. You ready to go?

Hey, Charlotte, look, I'm sorry, I don't

think I can be your
son's Esteban. Gotta go.

Did you screw this up by telling him your
story about your mom and Pablo and Juan and

- all the other busboys that she banged.
- Esteban was a waiter.

Do what you think you're
better than him because

you had a talk show
that lasted a week?

First of all, it was 12 weeks.
Second of all, does anyone want

to make this day any worse? Do you
want to put on your Netflix special?

- Yep.
- You mean it.

Yeah, I think I can make your day worse.

So you know the gay guy that was
at your friend's bachelorette party?

There was no gay guy there. Just the
groom stopped by for a minute.

Exactly. So I had sex with the groom.

- Do you think Charlotte's still mad?
- Yeah, I'm still mad.

You set me up with a guy who bails on me
and then Mary Poppins over here decided to

open up her umbrella
inside my boss' fianc?.

Okay, don't be pissed at me okay?
As soon as I realized

it was the groom, I had a
shower and got out of there.

Be honest, Brett. Were you
alone in that shower?

Was I alone? Let me see if I can
remember. There were two penises, so no.

How am I supposed to tell
my boss her fianc? is gay?

It's simple. Casually bring it up at work.

Why are you whispering?

I'm sorry. I'm just saying you go
into the break room and you pull out a

yogurt or a parfait and walk up to
her and say do you know what I love?

I love how the fruit is on the bottom.
Do you know who else loves to be

on the bottom?

By the way, do you know who
else likes to be a bottom? You!

Hey. Hey.

Don't defend me.

Do you know what?
Regardless of that comment,

I feel like you and Danny would have been
very lovely together. You're both loud.

You're both offensive. You're both
edgy. And you both are very pale.

It's unfortunate. You would
have been a really good couple.

- Thank you.
- You seem like the female Danny.

I wish I could find
a female Shelly.

Shelly, look!

- Do you want to smoke weed?
- Do you want to smoke weed?

I can't believe you ran out on
Charlotte just because she has a kid.

Look, I'm mad at myself too.
You know the movie

"Footloose" when Kevin
Bacon is so pissed at

the world because he just wants
to dance but it's against the law?

I've been doing that angry dance.

- You know taking off is super weak?
- Why did you even bring Burski?

I didn't know he was in the car
until I pulled in the driveway.

I was hiding in the back seat.

Why don't you just go out with
Charlotte and see how it goes.

Because I really liked her.

I had an hour-long conversation with
her and I wouldn't mind doing it again.

It's like who feels that way?

I know it's scary when a
relationship feels like

it's going to be real
before it even starts.

Well, exactly it's terrifying.
There's a kid involved.

You know he's going to
think that I'm awesome.

I don't know what to do, if
I screw it up? There's a

kid involved, what's going
to happen with the kid?

Oh my god, you make me so mad!

Look, the one thing I've always felt
about you as my brother is that it makes me

jealous that have this completely
unearned confidence.

Yeah I get it. You know
that voice in everyone's

head that everyone hears
inside themselves.

Mine goes like this. "Danny, you're cool
and awesome and look awesome and you

definitely don't have
Nicholas Cage's hairline."

Wow, the voice inside my head just says
"wine and Cheese-its are not a meal."

That's really sad. Look, you know, it's
like the problem is with Charlotte, she

twists me up so much, that
that voice is gone.

Hey, Danny. You're awesome. And you got the
second best hair on the show.

What are you doing?

I'm saying if you need it, I'll
be the voice in your head.

Because you've got the chance
at something real here man.

Every day I walk into that bar,

and I hang out with a
girl I'm crazy about

in hopes that one day maybe
if I wait long enough,

something real might happen. And you're
lucky, dude. You don't have to wait.

Don't miss your chance, man.

Never speak of this moment.

I kissed your sister.

Thank you again for hosting my

- bachelorette party.
- Welcome.

Doug would you settle
up with the bartender.

Make sure you give him a big tip.

Oh trust me. He already did.

Hahahahaha Good one, Shelly.

You know, Susie, Netflix over here
has something to tell you.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Susie, when you and Doug go out for ice
cream, and you know, you split a hot

fudge sundae, you get
it with all the works,

the sprinkles, the
whipped cream, the nuts?

- No, Doug hates nuts.
- No, that's where you're wrong.

You know that old saying if you
don't have anything nice to say,

just let your boss marry a gay guy.

Oh, hey, Charlotte, good, you're still
here. Hey, can we talk?

Yeah, let me just say bye to
my friends real fast.

Hey, Suse. It's real nice to see you again.

By the way, really cool
move to bring your friend

to the party. He is really hot and
got along with my friend a-ok.

How long have you guys...?

Have you been old friends or what?

- Excuse me?
- I'm wondering how long

you've known Brett's boyfriend?

- What?
- No, no, no. No, Danny, no boyfriend.

Right, right, I gotcha loud and
clear. How long have you known the guy

that's having sex with Brett?

- What are you talking about?
- I feel like I'm being very clear here.

He had sexual intercourse

with him, and I'm wondering
how long you've known him.

- Wait! You're gay? Are you kidding me?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, lady.

It is 2015, ok? Why don't you give me
one good reason these two men

can't have hot beautiful sweaty
sex together?

Because this man is my fianc?.

Yeah, that's actually a really good reason.

Bye, Susie. Nice job, hipster Jesus.

Oh, you already ruined one relationship.

What are you going to do here, Danny?

If I were you, I'd ask her out
again unless you're chicken.

Hey, listen, I'm sorry for

abandoning you the first time.
I'd like to have,

another chance, you know,
make it up to you.

Would you let me take you out for
some pizza maybe?

Sorry, you blew it.

Just kidding. I wanted to
pretend I had self-respect.

Yep, you see, I knew that would work out.

No, you didn't.

Choir!

-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe --
-- www.addic7ed.com --

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