Original subtitles

Do-doo-la-ba-bow

[Chuckles] Well, I had the best night.

Danny has a word-of-the-day calendar...

You know, he uses it to sound smart.

So last night, I put a fake word in there.

Well, last night, I had sex with a woman,

but playing with calendars sounds fun, too.

By the way, the fake word is "bucky."

I wrote that it means "awesome" or "great."

He's been using it all morning. Enjoy.

Ah, so fun having everybody over to watch "The Matrix."

Really. It was extremely bucky. [Chuckles]

I know it's a fake word, okay?

The problem with your plan is

whenever I say a word, it becomes real,

because everybody knows that everything I say

is extremely bucky.

So, everybody got together and watched a movie

and didn't invite me?

Oh, this isn't bucky at all.

It's okay. I get it.

So, was "Matrix" any good?

You know, I don't know. Is the Earth any good?

How have you not seen "The Matrix"?

When it came out, I was four.

Uh, well, it's about a computer genius,

so naturally is played by Keanu Reeves.

Um, it's a very simple story, really.

They take away Keanu's mouth and he's like [Muffled grunting]

And then Morpheus comes in with blue M&M's and red M&M's,

and then Keanu Reeves is like, "whoa.

Oh, my God. I love M&Ms."

And then Keanu Reeves defeats the bad guy

and becomes the one and then wins

a longer leather jacket and flies away.

It's pretty much the perfect movie.

Ooh, now explain "Inception" to us.

Oh-oh-oh, oh, oh

Danny: "Undateable"... a show about a man who never ages.

- Justin: For the last time, you age. - No.

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Okay, guys who strike up conversations at urinals

are going on my list of things that suck.

Yo, Danny, we didn't get to finish our conversation

in there.

Danny started a Twitter feed

of "Things that suck and don't suck" in Detroit.

He tried to hook me up by putting me on

the "Things that don't suck" list.

Turns out, that's not a list you want to be on

in the gay community.

Hey, put the bar on the list of "Things that don't suck."

Uh, no.

People never lie on the Internet.

Danny, you should really try to think about

making this Twitter thing into a job.

You know, I could get you an interview at the Detroit Weekly.

You know, that would be a fun column.

Yo, why are you always nagging me about this job thing?

Because you need to get your life started.

Whatever. I have an awesome job.

You deliver pizzas, right?

Actually, I don't deliver pizzas.

Like Jason Statham, I'm a transporter.

Sure, sometimes I transport pizzas,

but really, it could be anything...

Nuclear weapons...

Garlic knots.

You know, I had my first real job when I was 14.

I mean, I had to, you know, to pay for...

Those modern-dance classes

weren't gonna pay for themselves.

Pow! Pow!

Pow!

The point is, you're 31.

I mean, don't you want to accomplish anything?

I mean, what would people say if you died today?

That's actually a really great idea.

Let's all go around, pretend it's my funeral,

and say amazing things about me.

Go ahead. I'll be the priest.

Here lies Danny Burton

Everyone thought, of course, that he was immortal

Because he looked so awesome

Ah-aah-ahhhh-aaaah

Nobody wants to do your stupid fake funeral.

Danny was a good man.

And now that he's gone, the world is a little less...

Bucky.

Danny, if you can hear me,

I'd very much like to spin pottery with you

like Demi Moore in "Ghost."

Hey, shell, I'm right here with you.

[Gasps] I can feel you.

Oh, my love

My darling

I hunger for your touch

Ghost, ghost

Okay, listen.

[Laughs]

First of all, you obviously don't know the song, okay?

And no singing at my funeral.

You sang before.

Yeah, because that's what the priest does

whenever he forgets what... his story that he's telling.

Uh, a-and then Mary and Joseph came down

Talked to Jesus and the holy spirit

Then what happened was that everybody kind of just went

And had a campfire and then ate hot dogs

Ah-aah-ahh-aaaah

Justin: I'll say something. I will. [Clears throat]

Danny was a selfish man.

He wouldn't even tweet about his best friend's bar.

Come on, man.

You loved Danny Burton.

Why don't you say something nice about him?

Don't be a coward.

I-I'm a coward?

[Chuckles lightly]

Look, I know you'd love to turn this whole Twitter thing

into a job, but you're too chicken.

Face it, Danny... you're getting very close to becoming a loser.

Thou shall not speak ill about thy roommate.

Luke:29, Andre:3000.

Man, when Shelly's getting some action,

he makes everything sexual.

Oh, you're nasty.

Oh, you brought a friend?

Oh, she just likes to watch?

Oh, there's no spectators here.

Mmm.

Shelly, how hot would you say this new girl is?

Would you say that she's '80s-movie hot?

Brett: Candace, come and join in.

We're just talking about Shelly's new lady.

Last night, she gave him a hot-stone massage.

That's when a hot girl gives me a massage while I'm stoned.

[Clears throat]

She summons me every night around midnight.

So you're a booty call.

I'm so sorry.

The guy's getting no-strings-attached sex.

There's no "I'm sorry" after sex.

[Chuckles] Well, that's not entirely true.

I almost always apologize right after sex.

Not sure why I shared that.

That could have stayed in the journal.

How would that apology go?

Okay, fine, example...

Like, if I know I'm not gonna last long,

I'd feel bad, so I want to leave her with a show.

Like, I'll sing or something.

Like... no, no, no-oo, no, no

Sorry.

I mean, I do like her.

I'm hoping it'll turn into something more.

Booty calls almost never turn into real relationships.

If you really want to date this girl,

you can't go over there every time she calls.

But I can help you.

I'll be your booty-call sponsor!

I appreciate the fact that you want to help and everything.

I feel like there's a big "but."

Oh, there is.

And it's attached to a woman named Vanessa.

Ah. Hey, man.

You think I'm too scared to take the job, huh?

Well, guess what... I'm gonna make you eat your words.

I got Danny that interview today.

And she's been helping me work on my...

How do you pronounce it?

"Ri-so-may"?

- "Reh-su-may." - "Ray-so-may."

- "Reh-su-may." - "Ray... ray-so-may."

- "Reh-su-may." - "Ray-so-may."

- "Reh-su-may." - "Reh-su-may."

Bet you didn't know I had over 100 special skills.

I can speak in various different languages.

[British accent] Hello.

[French accent] Hello.

[Speaks Japanese]

Well, first off, there's no such thing

as "Microsoft words with friends."

And you did not read "Of Mice and Men."

Of course I did, dude.

Oh, yeah? Then wh-what was your favorite part?

When... All of the mice

band together to fight the men.

Hey, man, you know, I really didn't want to say it

over at the bar, but you really hurt my feelings.

You know, I [Sighs] I went too far.

I need to apologize.

No! No, you can't.

Okay, Danny cares what you think.

That's a power that only one other person has,

but I can't get Vin Diesel to come here.

But if you apologize, he's gonna blow this off

like he always does, okay?

You have to give him tough love.

Well, I'm not a tough-love guy.

I'm a love-love guy.

If you start acting nice and ruin this, I will kill you.

Yeah, Danny, I g...

Oop! Whoa!

Okay, tough love or night-night. Your call.

[Weakly] You know I could get out of this if I wanted to.

Go for it.

Look at you in your "Transporter" suit.

All right, so for this interview,

he's just gonna ask me, like, a bunch of questions?

What if he asks me how I get my hair this good

and I can't tell him, 'cause it's a secret?

Oh, you know what?

I don't think I should go through with this.

[Sighs]

Where the hell is my tough love?

Don't you see what's happening?

He's getting scared. He's looking for a way out.

Look, I know your biggest aw is how desperate you are

to have everyone like you.

That is not true.

It is, and I don't like that about you.

What can I do to change that?

Be mean, okay?

If you love Danny, be the meanest you've ever been.

[Whistling]

H... uh, oops. Ohh.

How do you expect to hold a job?

You can't even hold a coffee mug.

[Chuckles]

All right, you know what?

I'm gonna get this job, nerd.

All right, I got to go to work.

Danny, you're gonna kill it.

Yeah, I should probably head out, too.

Um...

Really?

You're not gonna say anything supportive

to your best friend before he leaves?

I'll tell you something I told a mall Santa once

when I turned 16

and didn't get a car for Christmas...

I don't believe in you anymore.

You're becoming a mean person,

and I don't like that about you.

U-ugh.

[Groans]

Danny, wait.

Yes?

Shelly, did you and Vanessa talk last night?

We did.

So, what did she say?

Oh, she said, "harder," "faster,"

"okay, not that fast,"

"now go again,"

"nice job,"

"good-bye."

I mean, it's hard to say no to a booty call.

I'd like to see you try.

Bring it on.

Okay.

Hi, beautiful.

It's Greg.

What do you want?

Oh, I think you know what I want.

[Laughing] Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

Oh, you have caller I.D.

If you're not interested, why'd you answer?

Um... I don't know.

Look, I just started "Love Actually,"

and I really don't want to watch it alone.

That's my favorite movie.

Oh, Hugh Grant just came on the screen.

Uh, hi. Hello, Candace.

Yeah, it's me... Hugh Grant.

Yes, yes,

the Benedict Cumberbatch of the '90s.

You, uh... you can't resist a charming British Prime Minister

who's desperately in love with his secretary, can you?

She just thinks she's ever so chubby.

Chubby... No, but she's not chubby.

She's just British curvy, like Adele.

Shel... Oh, no.

Vanessa.

Hi, Hugh? Yeah, it's Brett.

Phone sex? Woof.

I can't. I'm at work.

Hey.

How did Danny seem when he left for the interview?

I'm so nervous. Me too.

Why?

Oh, hey, Les.

You skipped the interview?

I just decided I didn't need to go after Justin apologized.

I didn't apologize, per se.

You said I was an amazing, inspiring person,

like a male Oprah.

Justin said that I didn't need a job

because I already had the best job in the world...

Being me.

Before you kill me... You should know

that I called the Detroid Weekly guy.

It took some bargaining. But he agreed to make up the interview here at the bar.

What did you offer him?

Free drinks and a chance to meet

Danny's attractive older sister...

Who would probably go out with him.

I'm not gonna go out with some rando.

Well, I... That's him over there.

Anything for my brother.

But it doesn't matter.

Danny's not gonna do the interview.

He will if he doesn't know it's happening.

[Chuckles]

You see, interviews are just an excuse

to brag about yourself.

That's literally what Danny does all the time.

You guys, help me wrap my head around this...

I'm so good at so many different things.

And let me get a look at you here.

- I like this jacket. That's good. - Thanks.

Oh, I think you got a fuzzy in your hair.

Oh, really? I hate fuzzies. Get it.

Okay.

There you go... Oh, it's in your ear now.

[Laughs] It always ends up in there.

I got it.

I spent the morning looking in the mirror,

lip-synching to Taylor swift,

and yet that is the gayest thing I've seen all day.

Oh, actually, you know what? There's a guy here

that's excited to meet you.

He's actually a, uh, fan

of "Things that suck and don't suck."

Rich, uh, meet Danny.

- Hey. - Hey.

- Great to meet you, Danny. - Cool.

My office loves your stuff on Twitter.

Oh.

So, what would you say is your biggest strength?

Well, um, even though you're a stranger,

that's a really great question.

Shelly!

[Panting] Don't do this.

I have to.

As a wise man once said, "Me so horny."

Why don't you just tell Vanessa you want more?

Look, women like Vanessa, they don't date guys like me.

She would, if you didn't let her use you

like a giant Teddy bear you have sex with.

Just leave with me now

and you can have more with Vanessa... I promise.

Yes!

Thank God I wore my glasses, because you are '80s-movie hot.

Aah! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

I'm just... ohhh!

[Sobbing]

I just wanted you to know I think you're pretty.

You mind if I check out your r?sum??

Why do you want to see my "reh-so-may"?

Hold on one second... I'm answering questions to you,

and you're Rich Greenway of the Detroit Weekly.

Excuse me for a second.

Hey, uh, Justin, you have a little fuzzy on your ear.

Hey, can I get another beer?

Help yourself.

Very nice.

Hey, man, you know what's going on my list of "Things that suck"?

People that trick their friends into secret interviews.

Yeah, not sure how relatable that one is, man.

Don't you think this would be a cool job?

Yeah, of course I think it'd be a cool job.

But I'll never get it.

It's better just to never want anything.

Look, it's... it's hard to put yourself out there.

[Sighs] This reminds me of a story.

There once was a little boy...

It was you, wasn't it?

You were the tiny, feminine boy?

Mrs. Winston was casting the 8th-grade play,

"The Sound of Music."

It was always my lifelong dream to play Captain Von Trapp.

Dreamt of being a widower with seven kids?

I've always wanted a big family.

You know that.

Anyway, I was scared to audition.

But I did.

And, yeah, because my voice hadn't changed,

I was cast as the youngest Von Trapp daughter.

But the point is, I would have regretted that if I never tried.

How do you think Keanu Reeves would have felt in "The Matrix"

if he never ate the M&M?

Are you saying I'm the one?

But, uh, I guess we'll never know

unless you finish the interview.

All right, get Richard back in here. Yeah.

But hold on, Justin.

Do I have any more fuzzies in my hair?

[Chuckles lightly]

You never did.

Hey, Shelly.

You wanted to talk?

Um...

[Chuckles lightly]

You know, as much as I love making our nighttime PB&Js...

Where you're the jelly 'cause you're sweet

and you smell like berries,

and I'm the peanut butter 'cause I'm nutty and chunky...

It's just that [Sighs]

I want to be more than a booty call with you,

and I'm hoping you do, too.

Aww, Shelly.

That's so sweet.

But I'm sorry.

You're just, you know, not the kind of guy that I "date" date.

Oh, my God.

That is not how it went down in "Love Actually."

Shelly, I'm so sorry.

It's her loss, man.

No, it's my loss.

Trust me... I've seen her naked.

Shelly, let me just share something with you...

Actually, Candace, he's pretty down already,

and most of your stories end up really depressing.

No, when... when I was a kid, I was homeless.

And we're off.

So my mom and I lived in a car for a while,

but I always knew that I could look out the window

and see my best friend, Carol.

See? It's fine. She had a friend.

Carol was my reflection.

The point is, even when times were bleak,

I knew that someday I would have a new life

with real friends who care about me.

And I can already feel it happening.

You just have to believe that there's a girl out there

who deserves you.

Because if you believe it, eventually, it will happen.

[Cellphone chimes]

Oh, that's Vanessa.

She still wants me to come over tonight at midnight.

But I'm telling her I'm needing something more.

[Chuckles lightly]

I'm so proud of you.

How does it feel?

Not as good as sex, but...

Good.

Sometimes turning down a woman can feel better than sex.

That's another one for the journal.

Okay, here they come.

Remember, if Richard looks over, act normal.

Burski, he said act normal.

Someday, that will be normal for us.

Best...

day...

in...

the history...

of all the days!

Yeah.

You know what? This is a big deal for me.

And it was all because of you, so thank you.

Um, I've been trying to get you a job for like 10 years.

Justin did it in less than a day,

so maybe next time ask him for advice sooner.

I'm really proud of you, Danny.

This is so bucky.

I can't believe I just said that.

Danny: All right, Justin, I'm headed to work.

What the hell are you wearing?

I'm the one, dude.

I can't fly. Yeah, but I can probably do it eventually.

Daniel.

It's time.

I just wanna be supportive. It's his first day.

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