Original subtitles

Oh, dude. Hey.

Oh, uh, I need to tell you something,

and I really... I don't want you to freak out, okay?

What is it?

I'm not sure how to say this, but, uh...

You're wearing a turtleneck.

Oh, wait. Hold on. Is someone forcing you to wear it?

Ooh, blink if they're listening.

Nicki just sent this as a little gift.

Nicki, uh, was my girlfriend till she moved away.

And then dumped him.

Point is, we Facetime every night,

and I wanted to show her that I was wearing it.

Oh, that's so sweet.

See? Candace gets it.

It'll be so much easier for her to move on

if she thinks you don't have a chin anymore.

Me? No, yeah, I work out.

Three nights a week... Cardio hip-hop.

Oh, what's wrong?

He's dancing like a "Peanuts" character.

No, he's... He's trying to flirt

with my friend Erica,

but it's not going very well.

Were you done with that beer?

No. But I don't mind.

She's like the sweet little sister I never had.

Shelly, you've got a little sister.

Yeah, but she's a bitch.

Text me if you want to hang out after work.

All right.

[Chuckles]

Bye, Danny.

All right, man, look, I'm gonna tell you something

that you've only heard once before,

and it was that time

you fell into the dolphin tank at the aquarium...

Brace yourself.

She wants to have sex with you.

No, she doesn't.

- She just wants to hang out after work. - The bar closes at 2:00.

Where do you think she wants to hang out?

Hopefully in them tight-ass jeans.

Look, I'm not looking for a relationship, okay?

Nicki and I, we're still kind of, you know...

Look, Nicki is seeing other people...

Probably naked.

And I'm sure they all look better than you.

Erica just got out of a relationship herself,

so she's probably down for a one-night thing.

Women aren't into that.

Leslie: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Sometimes we are.

Okay, one-night stands are like fast food.

Sure, you feel guilty the next day,

but sometimes you just need something cheap

you can enjoy in your car.

I'm no stranger to the one-night stands, all right?

I know how it works.

Go to a party, you meet a pretty girl,

you're like, "sup?

Want to try some sex?"

So you've never had a one-night stand.

I only have one-night stands.

I mean, sure, I'd love a two-night stand,

but they usually call it after the first.

Occasionally during it.

You need to get back out there. Come on. It's time.

Okay, you know what? What the hell.

I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna text her.

[Sighs]

"My dearest Erica..."

No, no, no.

Nuh-uh.

You get six words, three of which must be

"slap that ass."

"Erica? Justin.

Tonight...

Slap that ass."

Perfection, huh?

That's my butt.

Love the confidence, but we use professional models.

[Chuckles]

Well, then, I just got drafted to the pros,

because that's my ass.

Huh. It could be.

I mean, some day.

If you work a lot harder.

That's my ass, damn it. Look.

Disrobe and strike the pose, please.

Yeah, the dimples do line up.

When I told the gym manager it was my butt,

he called me a liar.

It's not fair

because I've been working really hard on my body.

I've been drinking less.

What?

You said to bring the whole bottle.

[Singsong voice] I was joking.

[Laughing] Oh. But since it's here...

You know, I don't think I can go back in there.

Seeing that poster will just make me too sad.

Okay, that gym doesn't deserve to have

any part of your body on its walls,

especially your sweet, little bottom.

We're gonna get your ass back.

But when we do, you're gonna have to return it

to whatever black girl you stole it from.

Erica texted back!

Erica texted back!

It's on. It's on.

What happens now? Do I get a haircut?

Do I need her father's permission?

Last night was amazing.

I wish you were there.

You know, the walls are so thin,

I kind of feel like I was.

By the way, did I hear spanking?

Briefly, but I asked her to stop.

The key to a one-night stand

is that when she leaves, you just let her go.

Now, you don't want to date her. She doesn't want to date you.

So don't say or do anything to lead her on.

Hey. I'm gonna take off.

Cool.

You did a great job last night, Bae.

[Door closes]

[Door opens]

Forgot my keys.

Sorry.

I feel so stupid.

I should say something to make her feel better.

No. Think "Braveheart."

[Scottish accent] Hold.

Hold.

Hold.

[Chuckles]

- [Both chuckle] - So, I'm gonna go.

I'll see you around... Or not around, you know?

It kind of felt like this was a one-night thing.

Not that you're that type of girl.

I mean, you deserve many nights.

I was lucky to get one. [Chuckles]

I-I guess, uh, um... um... What I'm trying to say is...

Hold.

We should... We should go out again.

I didn't think that's what this was, but what the hell?

[Normal voice] Bye, Erica. It was great seeing you.

Hey, man.

- You want to do this now or later? - Now.

Brett: Okay.

Operation Booty Recall is in full effect.

This heist will be exactly like "Ocean's Eleven,"

only instead of Misters Pitt and Clooney

portraying mouthwatering cat burglars...

Sorry, got lost there for a second.

And, yes, Candace, before you ask, I am gay.

I had no idea,

because all of my gay friends are in great shape.

I'm so sorry.

Off you pop.

Okay.

Shelly, you are gonna keep

the douchey gym manager occupied.

I need to know more about my character.

Can I be a Japanese businessman?

Sure, why not?

Then I'll create a distraction

by lifting a tremendous amount of weight...

Getting banged by everyone's eyes

checking out my bi's, tri's, and thighs.

That's absolutely horrifying.

So when the douchey gym manager goes up to Burski,

I'll switch Leslie's poster out for a new one,

and just like that, [Whooshes] We're gone.

Whose butt are you gonna use for the fake poster?

Candace, we need a favor.

Oh, please. She's so tiny.

She could go camping in my panties.

Quick question...

Where would someone sign up for the panty camping?

No, no, I got it.

You can tell them.

Justin blew the one-night stand.

He couldn't let Erica leave,

and now he's dating a girl he doesn't even like.

She came back in for her keys and I panicked.

Oh, you never go back in.

I've left behind keys, purses, a dog.

I'm like the opposite of a Navy SEAL.

I leave everything behind.

This is like Amanda all over again.

That was Justin's college girlfriend.

Justin wanted out but he couldn't end it,

so they stayed together until she graduated

with a degree in zoology and moved to the Congo

to follow her dream of living with the baboons.

How did you finally let her know it was over?

Unfortunately, we weren't able to have that conversation

before she was torn apart and eaten by the baboons.

Why don't you just tell her

you're not remotely interested in any type of relationship?

- Just dagger her, man. - No!

I'm not that heartless.

Did she text me today

and ask if I want to go to brunch tomorrow? Yeah.

Am I actually gonna go?

Yes. I love brunch.

Look, we'll go on a couple dates,

then I'm gonna take a "business trip."

Spoiler alert... I'm not on a business trip.

I'm just home catching up on "Scandal."

Then she'll meet someone else.

She'll let me down easy. No one gets hurt.

Just nobody tell Nicki that I'm fake-dating someone.

Should we not tell her while she's real-dating someone?

And a beer for my new favorite Teddy bear

whose name is...

When I was a kid, I accidentally ate my Teddy bear's eyes.

We couldn't afford a new one

because of my dad's gambling problem,

so I made eyes out of pasta shells... Shelly!

That was an incredibly sad ride,

but I'm glad you got there.

She's a breath of fresh air but a dreadful waitress.

I did not order a hot dog.

Nor do they serve hot dogs here.

Erica. Hey. What are you doing here?

[Sighs] I was just leaving.

Hey, maybe in the future, try harder to be a real man.

Will do.

Why would she say that?

Uh, I think she was just offering

some friendly advice, you know?

Uh, also, I broke up with her for you.

What kind of person breaks up with a girl for another man?

A best friend, a hero, a mentor.

I could go on.

I didn't want to do this...

A warrior.

I didn't want to do this your way, all right?

I didn't want to be a bad guy.

Whoa, wait. Hold on one second.

You think I'm a bad guy.

Yeah, I just said that.

That's not true. I'm always trying to help you.

You guys heard what he did,

so let's take a little vote.

If you think Danny's a bad guy, raise your hand.

What about you, Candace?

No, thank you. I really need this job.

So I'm just trying to learn names and make friends.

Don't worry, sweetheart. You have plenty of friends here.

Thank you, and, uh...

Wait, your name is easy to remember

because when we first met, based off of your clothing

and the way you rubbed my shoulders,

I thought for sure you were a lesbi...

Leslie!

Oh. Konnichiwa.

I'm a Japanese businessman.

You mean you're a businessman from Japan.

Oh, no. I'm of Japanese descent.

I think I was very clear on that.

All right, I got 275 coming up.

[Grunts]

Oh, my god!

Big mistake!

Help me! Help me! Help me!

[Groans]

That's your British butt, isn't it?

Well, a little free advertising never hurt anyone, mate.

Ta-da!

Oh, you got my ass back!

Aw, I love you guys.

Yep.

Now we just have to get Shelly back.

I fear he may never break character.

He joined a Japanese dating site.

[Guttural voice] J-date.

So, because of Justin,

you all now think that I'm a bad guy,

but I contend that when it comes to women,

I am not the bad guy.

Do you know who is? No.

No.

Yes, but this isn't about you.

Justin.

When it comes to letting down women,

you're much worse than I am.

That's insane.

Well, I say let's let the people decide.

This court is now in session.

Justin Kearney vs. Danny Burton.

Nobody wants to do your fake trial.

[Normal voice] Oh, I'd love a new character to get lost in.

I'll be the tough judge that says things like

"I'll allow it,

but you're on thin ice, counselor."

Now let's get this trial underway.

Fine. You want to play?

Surprise, Danny.

I was captain of my debate team in college.

That's not a surprise, nerd.

As for my first witness, I call Leslie Burton.

[Gasps]

[Murmuring indistinctly]

Now, as Danny's sister,

I can imagine that he has hooked up

with some of your friends.

All of my friends.

And how did those relationships end?

Horribly.

"Horribly."

They were all crushed.

I weep for them.

Your witness.

Just one question.

Now, after I daggered your friends,

were they... Were they still hung up on me?

No. They never thought about you again.

They moved on quickly.

Interesting. Interesting.

I would like to now call

the new waitress to the stand.

Objection, your honor! Relevance.

I'm trying to establish a pattern of behavior.

The accused is so desperate to be liked

that he strings people along in all aspects of his life.

I'll allow it,

but you're on thin ice, counselor.

[Laughs]

Now, Candace...

[Clears throat]

You do, uh, realize

that you're a horrible waitress, right?

I do.

Has Justin been saying things to you lately

like "money's tight"

or "don't worry if you get a better job"?

He has.

And would you be shocked if I told you

that his plan was to eventually reduce your shifts

so you would just leave so he didn't have to fire you?

You were gonna do that?

[Scoffs]

Not anymore.

"Not anymore."

Uh, bailiff, would you please let in my surprise witness?

[All gasp]

[Murmuring indistinctly] Erica.

Now, how did it feel

when you found out that Justin didn't want to date you?

I wish he had just been straight with me.

I mean, he made it seem like it could be something.

Thank you for being brave.

Brett, could you read that back to us, please?

No. This is just a cash register, mate.

Erica, I'm...

I'm so sorry.

Thanks.

Wow.

All those who find Justin guilty,

please say "aye."

Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye.

I rest my case.

And then to celebrate, I'd like to do the running man.

I'll allow it.

You can gloat later.

I'm supposed to Facetime with Nicki right now.

You need to understand that stringing someone along

in a relationship that's going nowhere is not cool.

Why do you care so much about this?

Nicki: Justin?

Babe, are you there?

Because that's exactly what Nicki's doing to you.

She's stringing you along

in a relationship that's going nowhere.

You're wrong.

Dude, you and Nicki are over,

and it's obvious to everyone but you.

Do you all feel that way?

Yeah. Yeah.

Sorry.

Well, you know what?

You guys don't know what's gonna happen.

Well, you know what? If you won't listen to me,

then maybe you'll listen to the voice of our generation.

Don't you dare use Taylor Swift against me.

You and Nicki are never, ever, ever

getting back together.

Like, ever.

Hey, um...

Are you just sitting in the dark alone, depressed?

No.

Every light is burnt out.

If you don't believe me, try the switch.

Well, I was obviously hoping for some kind of miracle there.

I didn't mean to hurt you, okay?

I just... I don't want anybody messing with my boy.

I-I feel stupid. You guys can go.

No, it's okay, man. We're here for you.

Yeah. There's no place we'd rather be.

We love you, man.

Whose house is this?

Can I talk to you alone for a sec?

Yeah, sure.

Guys, stand out on the porch.

What?

There are other rooms we could wait in.

No. Go out on the porch.

This is the worst room.

I, um, called Nicki

and asked her to be honest with me.

She apologized for stringing me along.

Then she daggered me, Danny, right in the heart.

[Sighs]

Sorry, buddy. That sucks.

They say it takes like a day for it to stop hurting, right?

M-maybe for you, it'd take like six or eight.

Days?

Days, years, whatever. Look, I...

The truth is, Justin, you're a great guy, you know?

And... and once you move on and get rid of those khakis,

the world's gonna open up for you.

Thanks.

Seal it with a hug.

All right. Only 'cause no one's watching, okay?

Oh, shut up.

Hi boys!

What's up?

Well, strangest thing...

No one can seem to find the poster of my butt.

That is strange.

It's hanging above your couch isn't it?

Yes

Really, Bursk?

You just bought yourself, my signature disapproving headshake.

For shame!

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