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1
00:00:01,768 --> 00:00:02,831
Babe?
2
00:00:02,831 --> 00:00:04,689
Are you ever coming to bed?
3
00:00:04,689 --> 00:00:05,826
Baby, I got to stretch, okay?
4
00:00:05,826 --> 00:00:08,138
What we're gonna attempt to do
is a high level of difficulty.
5
00:00:11,503 --> 00:00:12,874
Are we doing that thing?
6
00:00:12,874 --> 00:00:14,442
No, no, no. We're doing the other thing.
7
00:00:21,206 --> 00:00:22,993
Just talking to Nicki. She said to say hi.
8
00:00:22,993 --> 00:00:25,252
Oh, yeah. I was just thinking about Nicki.
9
00:00:25,252 --> 00:00:27,067
Come on. Let's go to bed.
10
00:00:28,588 --> 00:00:30,251
You know, moving back
home has been tough on her.
11
00:00:30,251 --> 00:00:31,490
Oh, oh god.
12
00:00:31,490 --> 00:00:33,217
I am so sorry.
13
00:00:33,217 --> 00:00:34,640
Yeah, man. That really sucks.
14
00:00:34,640 --> 00:00:35,201
You know what, baby?
15
00:00:35,201 --> 00:00:37,551
We should go dedicate our
lovemaking session to Nicki.
16
00:00:37,551 --> 00:00:38,754
She'd want it that way.
17
00:00:39,953 --> 00:00:40,824
Come on.
18
00:00:40,824 --> 00:00:42,726
You know, it's just,
when we talk on the phone,
19
00:00:42,726 --> 00:00:43,687
she gets real sad.
20
00:00:43,687 --> 00:00:46,619
All I can do is tell her I love her.
21
00:00:46,619 --> 00:00:47,761
- Mm.
- [Sighs]
22
00:00:47,761 --> 00:00:49,619
I am gonna put my sweatpants on,
23
00:00:49,619 --> 00:00:52,569
and then the three of us can hang out.
24
00:00:52,569 --> 00:00:53,497
Oh, my God.
25
00:00:53,497 --> 00:00:54,707
[Laughs sarcastically]
26
00:00:54,707 --> 00:00:56,471
Yeah! Let's hang out, the three of us.
27
00:00:56,471 --> 00:00:58,322
It'll be so awesome. Go
put those sweatpants on.
28
00:00:58,322 --> 00:00:59,405
I can't wait for you to put those on.
29
00:00:59,405 --> 00:01:00,486
Come on, man!
30
00:01:02,264 --> 00:01:04,105
You're killing me.
31
00:01:04,105 --> 00:01:05,607
And now she's gonna put on sweatpants?
32
00:01:05,607 --> 00:01:07,112
Dude, do you know what
sweatpants are like to women?
33
00:01:07,112 --> 00:01:08,320
That's like vaginal Ambien.
34
00:01:09,456 --> 00:01:11,340
Puts it right to sleep.
35
00:01:11,340 --> 00:01:12,815
[Snores] [High-pitched
voice] Me-me-me-me-me.
36
00:01:12,815 --> 00:01:16,033
[Snores]
Me-me-me-me-me.
37
00:01:16,033 --> 00:01:19,210
Why does her vagina snore
like one of the Three Stooges?
38
00:01:22,179 --> 00:01:22,990
[Normal voice] All right. Look, man.
39
00:01:22,990 --> 00:01:24,269
I know you're a sensitive guy,
40
00:01:24,269 --> 00:01:25,816
but when your high level of estrogen
41
00:01:25,816 --> 00:01:27,092
combines with her level of estrogen,
42
00:01:27,092 --> 00:01:28,839
that creates a barrier that
no man can get through...
43
00:01:28,839 --> 00:01:29,920
Not even Vin Diesel.
44
00:01:29,920 --> 00:01:30,999
[As Vin diesel] "Hey, you know what?
45
00:01:30,999 --> 00:01:33,268
"Uh, I can't through this
high level of estrogen.
46
00:01:33,268 --> 00:01:34,697
It's such a big barrier."
47
00:01:39,014 --> 00:01:41,070
First off, that's Rocky.
48
00:01:41,070 --> 00:01:42,273
Second off...
49
00:01:42,273 --> 00:01:45,031
When it comes to matters of the heart,
50
00:01:45,031 --> 00:01:46,568
I'm all about emotions, okay?
51
00:01:46,568 --> 00:01:48,074
I love hard. I yearn hard.
52
00:01:48,074 --> 00:01:49,338
I feel hard.
53
00:01:49,338 --> 00:01:50,753
Well, then, I got a question for you.
54
00:01:50,753 --> 00:01:51,729
Don't say it.
55
00:01:51,729 --> 00:01:54,291
Do you feel hard right now?
56
00:01:55,672 --> 00:01:57,468
- [Chuckles]
- [Chuckles sarcastically] Ah, that's great.
57
00:01:57,468 --> 00:01:59,429
- Never mess with a sensitive guy.
- Mm-hmm.
58
00:01:59,429 --> 00:02:00,836
Okay? 'Cause we'll hit you where it hurts.
59
00:02:01,716 --> 00:02:03,681
So, are you gonna hang out, Justin?
60
00:02:03,681 --> 00:02:05,015
Oh, that sounds so much fun,
61
00:02:05,015 --> 00:02:07,288
but, uh, actually, I'm
gonna let you two kids
62
00:02:07,288 --> 00:02:08,600
get some private time, okay?
63
00:02:08,600 --> 00:02:09,127
Enjoy your night.
64
00:02:09,127 --> 00:02:11,376
You know what's silly that
I was just thinking about?
65
00:02:11,376 --> 00:02:12,901
[Laughs]
66
00:02:12,901 --> 00:02:15,031
I was just thinking about
the fact that you two, uh,
67
00:02:15,031 --> 00:02:17,745
have been dating exactly
as long as Nicki and I were
68
00:02:17,745 --> 00:02:19,635
when I told her that I
loved her for the first time.
69
00:02:19,635 --> 00:02:20,839
[Chuckles]
70
00:02:20,839 --> 00:02:21,982
Isn't that funny?
71
00:02:21,982 --> 00:02:23,373
I love your sweatpants.
72
00:02:23,373 --> 00:02:24,457
Ah. Fantastic.
73
00:02:24,457 --> 00:02:26,571
[Chuckles, sighs]
74
00:02:26,571 --> 00:02:31,954
[High-pitched voice]
Me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me.
75
00:02:31,954 --> 00:02:33,942
All right, now. Here we go. Come on.
76
00:02:33,942 --> 00:02:35,338
Justin: Okay. We are going.
77
00:02:38,191 --> 00:02:38,660
Oh-oh-oh,
oh, oh
78
00:02:38,660 --> 00:02:40,845
"Undateable"... it's
exactly like "Toy Story."
79
00:02:40,845 --> 00:02:43,114
Except it's not animated
and there are no toys.
80
00:02:43,114 --> 00:02:45,007
You know what? Can I actually
talk to you after this?
81
00:02:45,007 --> 00:02:48,148
Synced and corrected by Mastermonger.
www.addic7ed.com
82
00:02:54,293 --> 00:02:56,609
You know Steve, the gay electrician?
83
00:02:56,609 --> 00:02:58,485
We're watching Brett eye-bang him.
84
00:03:01,432 --> 00:03:04,014
All right. Where's your fuse box?
85
00:03:04,014 --> 00:03:05,274
It's by the back door.
86
00:03:06,631 --> 00:03:09,740
Hey, man, you should have
taken a run at Steve, you know?
87
00:03:09,740 --> 00:03:11,235
I mean, he's right in
your wheelhouse, right?
88
00:03:11,235 --> 00:03:12,878
He's a guy. He's gay.
89
00:03:12,878 --> 00:03:16,164
I feel like that checks all the boxes.
90
00:03:16,164 --> 00:03:18,273
I'm not going to ask Steve out, Danny.
91
00:03:18,273 --> 00:03:20,397
Brett only came out three months ago.
92
00:03:20,397 --> 00:03:22,450
Point is, he's not ready
to ask anybody out yet.
93
00:03:22,450 --> 00:03:23,756
Come on, come on.
94
00:03:23,756 --> 00:03:25,379
It's not like I'm a virgin, okay?
95
00:03:25,379 --> 00:03:26,518
It's just with guys.
96
00:03:27,700 --> 00:03:30,385
I've had a lot of sex with a lot of ladies.
97
00:03:30,385 --> 00:03:32,806
That's not fair.
98
00:03:32,806 --> 00:03:35,348
It's like a vegetarian eating my steak.
99
00:03:40,164 --> 00:03:42,632
When you slept with that
girl I was dating in college,
100
00:03:42,632 --> 00:03:44,718
if you were living a lie,
why would you even bother?
101
00:03:44,718 --> 00:03:47,903
Because she had a flattop
and a really low voice.
102
00:03:47,903 --> 00:03:50,503
So when the lights were
low, I could make it work.
103
00:03:50,503 --> 00:03:52,698
Who were you dating... a Navy S.E.A.L.?
104
00:03:52,698 --> 00:03:55,925
No. I was a freshman, Danny.
105
00:03:55,925 --> 00:03:57,694
I just needed a girl to tell me what to do.
106
00:03:57,694 --> 00:04:00,510
[Deep voice] "Hey,
Justin. Give me your hand.
107
00:04:00,510 --> 00:04:02,262
"Put it right there.
108
00:04:02,262 --> 00:04:05,204
Now make small circles and shut up!"
109
00:04:11,867 --> 00:04:13,282
Nicki, I miss you, too, okay?
110
00:04:13,282 --> 00:04:15,086
But these phone calls just make you sad.
111
00:04:15,086 --> 00:04:18,107
Look, I have a crazy idea.
112
00:04:18,107 --> 00:04:20,283
I just need to know...
are you... are you alone?
113
00:04:22,195 --> 00:04:23,986
Okay. Good. All right.
114
00:04:23,986 --> 00:04:24,936
Okay. Good.
115
00:04:24,936 --> 00:04:28,926
Well, then, uh, what are
you wearing right now?
116
00:04:31,276 --> 00:04:34,062
Just a t-shirt. Okay. Interesting.
117
00:04:34,062 --> 00:04:35,785
'Cause in that scenario...
118
00:04:37,670 --> 00:04:41,618
I am going to be an erotic masseur.
119
00:04:41,618 --> 00:04:43,732
Would you rather be a...
120
00:04:45,659 --> 00:04:50,398
a tennis star who needs
a post-match rubdown or...
121
00:04:50,398 --> 00:04:52,618
Oh. Got to go.
122
00:04:54,996 --> 00:04:57,287
Uh, look, we got to help our friend Brett,
123
00:04:57,287 --> 00:04:58,644
but before that,
124
00:04:58,644 --> 00:05:02,030
is this a "choose your own
adventure" phone-sex script?
125
00:05:04,337 --> 00:05:06,532
All right, baby bird,
uh, on the list of things
126
00:05:06,532 --> 00:05:09,262
that you are very, very,
very, very, very bad at,
127
00:05:09,262 --> 00:05:10,408
we have to put "phone sex"
128
00:05:10,408 --> 00:05:12,729
right below "not looking
like Matthew broderick."
129
00:05:15,576 --> 00:05:18,210
So, what I thought is, we
could invite Steve back here
130
00:05:18,210 --> 00:05:20,012
to fix something else and
make Brett ask him out.
131
00:05:20,012 --> 00:05:21,659
No, no. That's a horrible idea.
132
00:05:21,659 --> 00:05:23,504
Also, have you seen Steve?
133
00:05:23,504 --> 00:05:25,303
I mean, he's the kind of guy at the gym
134
00:05:25,303 --> 00:05:26,990
who just doesn't wear a
towel in the steam room...
135
00:05:26,990 --> 00:05:28,345
like puts his hands on his hip,
136
00:05:28,345 --> 00:05:30,261
and just lets his business
swing back and forth
137
00:05:30,261 --> 00:05:32,208
like, "hey, try not to
get hypnotized," you know?
138
00:05:35,002 --> 00:05:36,810
Where do you work out?
139
00:05:38,582 --> 00:05:39,277
That's not the point.
140
00:05:39,277 --> 00:05:40,860
The point is, if he gets turned down,
141
00:05:40,860 --> 00:05:43,512
he's gonna crawl back into his
shell for God knows how long.
142
00:05:43,512 --> 00:05:44,840
- I hear you.
- Well...
143
00:05:44,840 --> 00:05:46,577
What? [Sighs] Hey.
144
00:05:46,577 --> 00:05:48,795
Brett. Justin and I think
that you should ask Steve out,
145
00:05:48,795 --> 00:05:51,195
so I called him and told him to come here.
146
00:05:51,195 --> 00:05:54,478
- He's coming tonight.
- What have you done?
147
00:05:55,397 --> 00:05:59,141
I cannot ask Steve out
because Steve is an electrician
148
00:05:59,141 --> 00:06:00,513
and I am a bartender,
149
00:06:00,513 --> 00:06:02,394
and those are very manly jobs,
150
00:06:02,394 --> 00:06:04,348
so who's gonna wear the
pants in that relationship?
151
00:06:04,348 --> 00:06:05,830
Hopefully nobody.
152
00:06:12,156 --> 00:06:14,810
Why do you always think you get to
decide what's right for all of my friends?
153
00:06:14,810 --> 00:06:15,692
Is it just arrogance?
154
00:06:15,692 --> 00:06:17,173
Uh, well, that depends.
155
00:06:17,173 --> 00:06:18,498
Is it arrogance if you just happen
156
00:06:18,498 --> 00:06:19,967
to know everything about everything?
157
00:06:21,754 --> 00:06:22,966
Well, you don't need to worry about me,
158
00:06:22,966 --> 00:06:25,258
'cause I make my own decisions, so...
- Oh, please.
159
00:06:25,258 --> 00:06:26,295
You're so far up Danny's butt,
160
00:06:26,295 --> 00:06:29,502
sometimes all I can see are
your high-tops sticking out.
161
00:06:29,502 --> 00:06:30,616
Cool, though.
162
00:06:30,616 --> 00:06:31,868
Danny picked them out.
163
00:06:33,102 --> 00:06:34,844
- Right? Yep. Okay.
- Shoe off the table.
164
00:06:34,844 --> 00:06:35,761
And, Shell, I don't blame you
165
00:06:35,761 --> 00:06:37,396
for falling under his spell, okay?
166
00:06:37,396 --> 00:06:39,456
You're the most easily
influenced person I know.
167
00:06:39,456 --> 00:06:41,217
- No, I'm not.
- I think you are.
168
00:06:41,217 --> 00:06:42,901
You might be right.
169
00:06:44,063 --> 00:06:47,266
Look, this is a sensitive time for Brett.
170
00:06:47,266 --> 00:06:49,085
- We've been best friends since we were 18.
- You know what?
171
00:06:49,085 --> 00:06:50,171
I think I know him pretty well, too.
172
00:06:50,171 --> 00:06:51,326
Oh, really? What's his last name?
173
00:06:51,326 --> 00:06:52,358
Favre.
174
00:06:54,040 --> 00:06:57,274
You think his name is Brett Favre?
175
00:06:57,274 --> 00:06:58,064
Okay. Well, that's the football player.
176
00:06:58,064 --> 00:06:59,734
I realized when I said it.
I don't follow football.
177
00:06:59,734 --> 00:07:00,505
Anyway, look.
178
00:07:01,860 --> 00:07:03,276
Brett just needs a push.
179
00:07:03,276 --> 00:07:04,711
He hates to be pushed.
180
00:07:04,711 --> 00:07:06,997
He fired his trainer
for making him exercise.
181
00:07:08,765 --> 00:07:09,829
Shelly: Oh, I get that.
182
00:07:09,829 --> 00:07:11,883
My motto is "no pain...
183
00:07:11,883 --> 00:07:14,259
Let's get high and eat pizza."
184
00:07:20,378 --> 00:07:23,697
Look, if anybody knows what's
best for Brett, it's me.
185
00:07:23,697 --> 00:07:25,772
Um, actually, I think Danny's right.
186
00:07:25,772 --> 00:07:27,401
I think it's time I asked someone out.
187
00:07:27,401 --> 00:07:29,722
Steve will be mine.
188
00:07:32,959 --> 00:07:35,317
Yeah. When it comes to life advice,
189
00:07:35,317 --> 00:07:36,307
you come to Danny Burton.
190
00:07:36,307 --> 00:07:38,633
Not Justin, uh... Justin...
191
00:07:38,633 --> 00:07:41,326
You don't know my last name?
192
00:07:41,326 --> 00:07:43,798
I don't know. I-I saw it
on a bill earlier today.
193
00:07:43,798 --> 00:07:45,149
Hold on. I want to say Justin...
194
00:07:45,149 --> 00:07:47,407
Department of Water and Power?
195
00:07:47,407 --> 00:07:48,011
I don't know.
196
00:07:53,968 --> 00:07:55,608
What's up?
197
00:07:55,608 --> 00:07:56,398
Um...
198
00:07:56,398 --> 00:07:58,863
Not exactly sure how to start this convo.
199
00:07:58,863 --> 00:08:00,111
Uh...
200
00:08:00,111 --> 00:08:02,100
"Danny said you need help with phone sex"?
201
00:08:02,100 --> 00:08:03,083
[Chuckles]
202
00:08:03,083 --> 00:08:04,761
Of course he did.
203
00:08:04,761 --> 00:08:06,362
'Cause Danny knows
what's best for everybody.
204
00:08:06,362 --> 00:08:09,581
Okay. Sorry. We'll leave. Mm.
205
00:08:09,581 --> 00:08:11,352
Stop. Wait. [Sighs]
206
00:08:13,484 --> 00:08:15,125
I don't know what to say.
207
00:08:15,125 --> 00:08:17,119
It's not about what you say.
208
00:08:17,119 --> 00:08:19,185
It's about how you say it.
209
00:08:19,185 --> 00:08:20,885
Talking about anything can be sexy...
210
00:08:20,885 --> 00:08:21,947
even groceries.
211
00:08:25,572 --> 00:08:27,366
[Seductively] Oh, Justin.
212
00:08:27,366 --> 00:08:28,426
Do you know...
213
00:08:28,426 --> 00:08:31,599
Where I could find some canned beans?
214
00:08:35,430 --> 00:08:37,010
Maybe near the rice.
215
00:08:39,091 --> 00:08:41,374
Look, it's all about
giving the other person
216
00:08:41,374 --> 00:08:42,679
what they're asking for.
217
00:08:42,679 --> 00:08:43,776
- Like, do your thing again.
- Okay.
218
00:08:43,776 --> 00:08:44,809
[Clears throat]
219
00:08:44,809 --> 00:08:46,601
Can I have some of your...
220
00:08:46,601 --> 00:08:49,114
Canned beans?
221
00:08:49,114 --> 00:08:52,140
[Seductively] Ohh. [Chuckles]
222
00:08:52,140 --> 00:08:53,466
You want some...
223
00:08:53,466 --> 00:08:56,578
Canned beans?
224
00:08:56,578 --> 00:08:58,657
Oh, yeah.
225
00:08:58,657 --> 00:09:01,795
Give me some of your canned beans.
226
00:09:03,139 --> 00:09:04,854
Give 'em to her, Sabrina.
227
00:09:07,843 --> 00:09:09,691
Okay.
228
00:09:09,691 --> 00:09:11,999
I'm gonna give 'em to her.
229
00:09:12,843 --> 00:09:14,036
[Breathing heavily]
230
00:09:14,036 --> 00:09:16,121
Come on. Get in the game, Justin.
231
00:09:17,616 --> 00:09:19,018
[Clears throat]
232
00:09:19,018 --> 00:09:21,183
[Seductively] Do you want to...
233
00:09:21,183 --> 00:09:23,486
Do you want to pay for these groceries?
234
00:09:24,547 --> 00:09:25,871
[Breathing heavily]
235
00:09:25,871 --> 00:09:27,348
Yeah, yeah. You know I do.
236
00:09:29,650 --> 00:09:31,273
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
237
00:09:31,273 --> 00:09:34,208
Yeah. I want to pay for
these groceries. Yeah.
238
00:09:34,208 --> 00:09:36,848
[Inhales sharply] And then
I want to get a bunch of guys
239
00:09:36,848 --> 00:09:39,088
and put it all in your... trunk.
240
00:09:39,088 --> 00:09:40,593
- Ew! Not that!
- Come on!
241
00:09:40,593 --> 00:09:41,846
No, that's me.
242
00:09:41,846 --> 00:09:43,426
"Trunk" is "butt." I figured it out.
243
00:09:43,426 --> 00:09:44,930
I don't know why I invited a bunch of guys.
244
00:09:44,930 --> 00:09:46,774
That's my fault. I apologize.
245
00:09:48,922 --> 00:09:50,392
All right, man. Huh?
246
00:09:50,392 --> 00:09:52,091
You look great. You're gonna crush it.
247
00:09:52,091 --> 00:09:53,853
- Go fix your hair.
- Okay. Will do.
248
00:09:53,853 --> 00:09:55,803
I'll practice my sexy walk.
249
00:09:55,803 --> 00:09:56,913
[Chuckles]
250
00:09:58,500 --> 00:10:00,412
I'm, uh... I'm actually
pretty proud of him,
251
00:10:00,412 --> 00:10:03,611
and not to my surprise,
I'm also proud of myself.
252
00:10:03,611 --> 00:10:04,869
In a couple of days,
253
00:10:04,869 --> 00:10:06,398
everything will be back to the way it was,
254
00:10:06,398 --> 00:10:08,484
and I'm still Brett's favorite friend.
255
00:10:08,484 --> 00:10:11,433
Oh, my God. That line is from
my favorite movie, "Toy Story."
256
00:10:13,059 --> 00:10:14,395
I mean, in the movie,
257
00:10:14,395 --> 00:10:15,711
it's, "I'm still Andy's favorite toy,"
258
00:10:15,711 --> 00:10:17,319
but other than that, it's word for word.
259
00:10:17,319 --> 00:10:19,660
Whoa, dude. Hey.
260
00:10:19,660 --> 00:10:21,506
Are we in "Toy Story"?
261
00:10:22,359 --> 00:10:24,543
What the hell are you talking about?
262
00:10:24,543 --> 00:10:25,719
Oh, man. Don't you see it?
263
00:10:25,719 --> 00:10:30,513
You are Woody, the nerdy,
really badly dressed toy
264
00:10:30,513 --> 00:10:31,942
that nobody wants to listen to anymore,
265
00:10:31,942 --> 00:10:33,859
and me, I'm like Buzz Lightyear,
266
00:10:33,859 --> 00:10:35,318
and I'm super-handsome and charismatic,
267
00:10:35,318 --> 00:10:36,810
and I've obviously had a lot of sex,
268
00:10:36,810 --> 00:10:39,055
and I fix everybody's life.
269
00:10:40,002 --> 00:10:42,377
I want to be the slinky dog.
270
00:10:43,762 --> 00:10:45,802
Well, you also know, in "Toy Story,"
271
00:10:45,802 --> 00:10:48,002
Buzz Lightyear was a fast-talking fraud
272
00:10:48,002 --> 00:10:48,917
who couldn't even fly.
273
00:10:48,917 --> 00:10:51,090
"You're a very sad, strange little man."
274
00:10:52,376 --> 00:10:53,564
That's in the movie, also.
275
00:10:55,115 --> 00:10:57,120
Whatever. You're just mad
because Brett chose me.
276
00:10:57,120 --> 00:10:58,488
I don't care about that.
277
00:10:58,488 --> 00:10:59,904
Hey, Danny, Danny. How's my hair?
278
00:10:59,904 --> 00:11:01,308
Hey, man. All right.
279
00:11:01,308 --> 00:11:03,632
Get ready, 'cause Steve's gonna
be here any second. All right?
280
00:11:03,632 --> 00:11:05,129
Any second? That's... that's so soon.
281
00:11:05,129 --> 00:11:07,223
That could be like now. Or now. Or now.
282
00:11:07,223 --> 00:11:08,831
- Or now. Or now. Or now.
- Okay, okay, okay, okay.
283
00:11:08,831 --> 00:11:09,789
Okay, okay.
284
00:11:09,789 --> 00:11:11,076
Look, you just need practice
285
00:11:11,076 --> 00:11:13,378
trying to pick up a dude
that's really handsome
286
00:11:13,378 --> 00:11:14,783
and out of your league, so, uh...
287
00:11:16,567 --> 00:11:17,238
[Babbles]
288
00:11:17,238 --> 00:11:18,858
Okay. I'll volunteer.
289
00:11:18,858 --> 00:11:22,478
No offense. But if he's
gonna practice on anyone,
290
00:11:22,478 --> 00:11:23,727
in the words of 'N Sync...
291
00:11:23,727 --> 00:11:26,041
It's gonna be me
292
00:11:26,942 --> 00:11:28,012
Brett, gun to your head,
293
00:11:28,012 --> 00:11:30,569
who would you rather have
sex with... Woody or Buzz?
294
00:11:30,569 --> 00:11:31,979
Well, I'm the obvious choice.
295
00:11:31,979 --> 00:11:34,084
I got good hair, I got tight sweaters,
296
00:11:34,084 --> 00:11:35,340
plus everybody wants
297
00:11:35,340 --> 00:11:37,340
to have sex with a Jeff Goldblum.
298
00:11:41,225 --> 00:11:44,763
Yeah. That's an aggressive "no" on Burski.
299
00:11:46,808 --> 00:11:48,872
And Shelly's out because
of the Vietnam nightmares.
300
00:11:50,408 --> 00:11:53,527
I only went there on
vacation, but I hated it.
301
00:11:55,141 --> 00:11:57,095
Look, Brett, it's...
302
00:11:57,095 --> 00:11:58,279
I'm the obvious choice, all right?
303
00:11:58,279 --> 00:11:59,978
It's obviously me. I
mean, look into my eyes.
304
00:11:59,978 --> 00:12:02,040
Get lost in them.
305
00:12:02,690 --> 00:12:03,616
Uh, all right.
306
00:12:03,616 --> 00:12:04,974
Whatever, weirdo. Huh?
307
00:12:04,974 --> 00:12:08,169
These hips, bro,
308
00:12:08,169 --> 00:12:09,710
will take you...
309
00:12:09,710 --> 00:12:12,325
to infinity and beyond.
310
00:12:13,446 --> 00:12:14,895
- Hey. No, no, no, no.
- That's good. That's good.
311
00:12:14,895 --> 00:12:16,766
Don't point. Don't point. Hey, hey. Hey.
312
00:12:16,766 --> 00:12:18,648
Listen to me. Sure. Okay.
313
00:12:18,648 --> 00:12:24,068
Danny might give you a crazy,
wild, sexy one-night stand.
314
00:12:24,068 --> 00:12:24,982
Why am I saying that?
315
00:12:24,982 --> 00:12:25,861
But, listen.
316
00:12:25,861 --> 00:12:28,286
The point is, the next
morning, he'll be gone.
317
00:12:28,286 --> 00:12:30,554
Not me. I'll always be there.
318
00:12:30,554 --> 00:12:31,410
And guess what.
319
00:12:31,410 --> 00:12:33,016
I call big spoon. [Chuckles]
320
00:12:34,316 --> 00:12:36,706
Listen, Brett.
321
00:12:36,706 --> 00:12:38,683
I'd... Make love to you.
322
00:12:46,427 --> 00:12:48,366
We wouldn't even have to have sex.
323
00:12:49,654 --> 00:12:52,461
How gay do you think I am?
324
00:12:53,355 --> 00:12:55,387
Just say you'd pick me.
325
00:12:55,387 --> 00:12:56,765
Okay. It doesn't matter, all right?
326
00:12:56,765 --> 00:12:58,812
So just pick one of us.
Pick, pick. Pick one of us.
327
00:12:58,812 --> 00:13:01,467
Pick. Pick me. Pick one. Pick one of us.
328
00:13:01,467 --> 00:13:02,773
Just pick one. You think you...
329
00:13:02,773 --> 00:13:03,857
Okay. Okay, okay, okay!
330
00:13:03,857 --> 00:13:04,609
Gun to my head...
331
00:13:04,609 --> 00:13:07,136
I'd pick Danny.
332
00:13:07,136 --> 00:13:08,186
- Ha ha.
- [Chuckles]
333
00:13:08,186 --> 00:13:09,705
Hmm. Okay. Well, that's cool.
334
00:13:09,705 --> 00:13:10,615
I had a great time.
335
00:13:10,615 --> 00:13:11,826
Great job, Danny.
336
00:13:11,826 --> 00:13:13,480
Yes. Great. Ooh. Okay.
337
00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:14,939
Way to go, Bursk. Love the sweater.
338
00:13:14,939 --> 00:13:16,025
There it is. That's my friend.
339
00:13:16,025 --> 00:13:17,848
Never go to Vietnam. Love
it. Okay. Yeah. Good game.
340
00:13:17,848 --> 00:13:19,066
No. You had your chance, okay?
341
00:13:19,066 --> 00:13:20,215
You don't get any of this.
342
00:13:23,009 --> 00:13:24,075
Ooh!
343
00:13:24,075 --> 00:13:27,059
I changed my mind... I want
to be one of the aliens.
344
00:13:27,059 --> 00:13:30,844
"Ooh! The claw! The claw!"
345
00:13:36,494 --> 00:13:36,995
I can't do it. I can't do it.
346
00:13:36,995 --> 00:13:38,989
Look how tight his shirt
is. You can see his abs.
347
00:13:38,989 --> 00:13:40,825
- You can see his abs.
- Okay, okay. Relax. All right. Just relax.
348
00:13:40,825 --> 00:13:41,521
Okay. What you got to do is,
349
00:13:41,521 --> 00:13:42,723
you just got to close your eyes
350
00:13:42,723 --> 00:13:45,207
and visualize yourself in your happy place.
351
00:13:45,207 --> 00:13:46,138
Watch me do it.
352
00:13:47,640 --> 00:13:49,500
All right. Now I'm just kind of...
353
00:13:49,500 --> 00:13:50,944
now I'm just like kind of nude,
354
00:13:50,944 --> 00:13:52,638
I'm in my bed, I'm just hanging out,
355
00:13:52,638 --> 00:13:53,872
and there's a mirror on the ceiling.
356
00:13:54,957 --> 00:13:57,500
And am I in there with you?
357
00:13:57,500 --> 00:13:58,744
I mean, well, yeah, whatever.
358
00:13:58,744 --> 00:13:59,636
If you want to be. I...
359
00:13:59,636 --> 00:14:01,861
[Clears throat]
360
00:14:01,861 --> 00:14:04,522
Oh, yeah. You're right.
361
00:14:04,522 --> 00:14:05,559
I do feel better.
362
00:14:05,559 --> 00:14:06,688
Great. All right. Where are you?
363
00:14:06,688 --> 00:14:08,486
[Sighs] McDonald's.
364
00:14:10,410 --> 00:14:12,116
What? No way!
365
00:14:12,116 --> 00:14:13,642
I'm here, too!
366
00:14:14,639 --> 00:14:16,706
Hi, Brett!
367
00:14:16,706 --> 00:14:18,221
Hey, Shelly! What are you doing here, man?
368
00:14:18,221 --> 00:14:20,097
Oh, don't let them try to tell you
369
00:14:20,097 --> 00:14:21,994
there's an age limit in the ball pit.
370
00:14:21,994 --> 00:14:22,749
There isn't.
371
00:14:22,749 --> 00:14:24,013
Game over. Look.
372
00:14:24,013 --> 00:14:27,173
Let's just, uh, man up
and ask this guy out.
373
00:14:27,173 --> 00:14:28,292
- Okay?
- Okay.
374
00:14:28,292 --> 00:14:29,443
Thanks, man.
375
00:14:31,063 --> 00:14:32,092
Whew.
376
00:14:34,147 --> 00:14:35,575
Hey!
377
00:14:39,784 --> 00:14:41,596
Look, Steve, um...
378
00:14:41,596 --> 00:14:43,909
What... what I wanted
to say, mate, was, um...
379
00:14:43,909 --> 00:14:46,903
How would you... how
would you feel about...
380
00:14:46,903 --> 00:14:49,406
Possibly going on a date sometime...
381
00:14:49,406 --> 00:14:51,601
With... with me?
382
00:14:51,601 --> 00:14:53,450
I'm flattered, man.
383
00:14:53,450 --> 00:14:56,412
But I'm just not interested
in you in that way.
384
00:14:56,412 --> 00:14:58,930
Okay.
385
00:15:03,904 --> 00:15:04,747
Brett, wait.
386
00:15:06,563 --> 00:15:11,398
- [Door closes]
- Damn it, man.
387
00:15:11,398 --> 00:15:13,656
I almost feel like that
was partly my fault.
388
00:15:19,794 --> 00:15:23,058
Well, I just paid a man
300 bucks to fix two lights
389
00:15:23,058 --> 00:15:24,591
and, uh, break one of my friend's hearts.
390
00:15:24,591 --> 00:15:25,756
Hope you're happy.
391
00:15:25,756 --> 00:15:26,871
You know what, man?
392
00:15:26,871 --> 00:15:28,988
I feel bad that Brett got shot down,
393
00:15:28,988 --> 00:15:30,933
but being rejected only makes you stronger.
394
00:15:30,933 --> 00:15:33,399
You know I got rejected by 12 colleges
395
00:15:33,399 --> 00:15:35,168
before I decided not to go to college?
396
00:15:37,365 --> 00:15:39,464
Okay. Now he's never
gonna ask another guy out.
397
00:15:39,464 --> 00:15:40,605
Aw, sure, he is.
398
00:15:40,605 --> 00:15:42,879
Because now he knows what it
feels like to get rejected.
399
00:15:42,879 --> 00:15:45,677
You know how much my life
changed when I realized
400
00:15:45,677 --> 00:15:47,646
that the worst thing a
girl could say to me is no?
401
00:15:47,646 --> 00:15:51,255
Actually, the worst thing is,
"I just want to be friends."
402
00:15:52,934 --> 00:15:55,397
Bitch, I got friends!
403
00:16:01,343 --> 00:16:04,584
Let me put it in terms
that you'll understand.
404
00:16:04,584 --> 00:16:06,899
I'll use your favorite movie, "Toy Story."
405
00:16:06,899 --> 00:16:10,337
I know you think that Buzz was this hero,
406
00:16:10,337 --> 00:16:13,041
but Buzz basically just
swooped in and tried to ruin
407
00:16:13,041 --> 00:16:15,089
what was already a
perfect family of friends.
408
00:16:15,089 --> 00:16:17,684
But luckily, Woody was there for Andy
409
00:16:17,684 --> 00:16:19,934
and was able to teach Buzz
that there's more to life
410
00:16:19,934 --> 00:16:21,911
than just sleeping with other toys.
411
00:16:23,648 --> 00:16:25,698
I don't remember that part.
412
00:16:27,980 --> 00:16:28,937
You know what's really messed up?
413
00:16:28,937 --> 00:16:30,513
I feel like there's some sick part of you
414
00:16:30,513 --> 00:16:32,249
that's actually happy
that Brett got shot down,
415
00:16:32,249 --> 00:16:33,906
because that means that I was wrong.
416
00:16:33,906 --> 00:16:35,859
- That's ridiculous.
- Oh, is it?
417
00:16:35,859 --> 00:16:38,814
Because I swear the moment
that Brett got shot down,
418
00:16:38,814 --> 00:16:41,207
I saw out of the corner of
my eye for a split second,
419
00:16:41,207 --> 00:16:42,202
your face light up.
420
00:16:42,202 --> 00:16:44,221
Like, if it could be
played back in slow motion,
421
00:16:44,221 --> 00:16:45,112
it would look like this.
422
00:16:48,152 --> 00:16:50,302
Justin! How could you?!
423
00:16:50,302 --> 00:16:52,666
I didn't smile!
424
00:16:52,666 --> 00:16:54,101
Can't argue with that replay, bro.
425
00:16:59,836 --> 00:17:01,039
Well, we looked everywhere.
426
00:17:01,039 --> 00:17:03,400
On the positive side, I got four numbers
427
00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:04,743
at the last gay bar we checked.
428
00:17:04,743 --> 00:17:06,424
I got six. It's not a
competition, but I won.
429
00:17:07,729 --> 00:17:08,753
You also won the contest
430
00:17:08,753 --> 00:17:10,760
of who can ruin Brett's
life the most, too, so...
431
00:17:10,760 --> 00:17:13,250
Hey, there it is... you
being happy that I hurt Brett.
432
00:17:13,250 --> 00:17:14,892
- [Chuckling] No, I'm not.
- Hey! Freeze!
433
00:17:14,892 --> 00:17:15,946
There it is right there.
434
00:17:15,946 --> 00:17:18,593
Right there on your face, there's a smile.
435
00:17:20,436 --> 00:17:23,069
Yeah. Guilty.
436
00:17:23,069 --> 00:17:24,041
Huh?
437
00:17:24,041 --> 00:17:24,943
Okay, fine!
438
00:17:24,943 --> 00:17:27,149
I'm happy 'cause now people will know
439
00:17:27,149 --> 00:17:29,132
that you're not some
God with all the answers,
440
00:17:29,132 --> 00:17:30,842
and if Brett had to get
a little stung on the way,
441
00:17:30,842 --> 00:17:32,102
then I can deal with it.
442
00:17:32,102 --> 00:17:33,670
Well, uh...
443
00:17:33,670 --> 00:17:36,427
I think I know where Brett is.
444
00:17:36,427 --> 00:17:38,061
Where?
445
00:17:38,061 --> 00:17:39,837
He's on our kitchen floor,
446
00:17:39,837 --> 00:17:41,155
eating a bag of potato chips.
447
00:17:47,390 --> 00:17:49,091
You're actually glad that I got hurt?
448
00:18:11,716 --> 00:18:12,700
How you doing?
449
00:18:12,700 --> 00:18:14,175
Well...
450
00:18:14,758 --> 00:18:16,852
I'm still feeling a bit angry,
451
00:18:16,852 --> 00:18:18,004
but don't worry.
452
00:18:18,004 --> 00:18:18,768
I feel kind of bad
453
00:18:18,768 --> 00:18:20,717
about how the whole thing
with Steve went down,
454
00:18:20,717 --> 00:18:24,607
so I took it upon myself to
set you up with another guy.
455
00:18:24,607 --> 00:18:27,479
I'm still feeling a bit upset and sensitive
456
00:18:27,479 --> 00:18:28,654
about the whole Steve thing.
457
00:18:28,654 --> 00:18:29,535
So, is he hot?
458
00:18:31,103 --> 00:18:33,766
Hey, buddy.
459
00:18:33,766 --> 00:18:35,257
Uh, it's me.
460
00:18:35,257 --> 00:18:36,176
I'm... I'm the guy.
461
00:18:36,176 --> 00:18:37,035
He's not hot.
462
00:18:40,129 --> 00:18:40,961
Whatever. I'm sorry.
463
00:18:40,961 --> 00:18:42,657
You came in too soon. But you know what?
464
00:18:42,657 --> 00:18:43,913
He's also way too sensitive for you,
465
00:18:43,913 --> 00:18:44,947
and I think a little bit too feminine,
466
00:18:44,947 --> 00:18:47,886
but he's got those really
thin hips that you like,
467
00:18:47,886 --> 00:18:49,264
and he's as loyal as a golden retriever.
468
00:18:49,264 --> 00:18:50,183
Okay, there. I'm done.
469
00:18:51,653 --> 00:18:52,929
So, is this a joke?
470
00:18:52,929 --> 00:18:54,439
No, man. It's not a joke.
471
00:18:54,439 --> 00:18:56,448
Look, I just thought maybe
we could, uh, hit the town,
472
00:18:56,448 --> 00:18:58,018
you know, like we used to do...
473
00:18:58,018 --> 00:19:00,187
put on some blazers, go to those raves
474
00:19:00,187 --> 00:19:01,810
and get nuts till like 5:00 A.M...
475
00:19:01,810 --> 00:19:05,023
Go back to your house
and watch "Notting Hill,"
476
00:19:05,023 --> 00:19:05,897
talk about...
477
00:19:06,766 --> 00:19:08,663
How did you not know he was gay?
478
00:19:09,858 --> 00:19:11,515
I'm sorry.
479
00:19:11,515 --> 00:19:14,739
I never, ever wanted to
root against my best friend.
480
00:19:14,739 --> 00:19:16,977
I know it's lame, but...
481
00:19:16,977 --> 00:19:21,063
I mean, there was time when
you used to need me, you know?
482
00:19:21,063 --> 00:19:22,179
All of you did.
483
00:19:22,179 --> 00:19:24,292
And then Danny came around,
484
00:19:24,292 --> 00:19:26,947
and you guys didn't need me as much, and...
485
00:19:26,947 --> 00:19:28,849
It just... it got to me.
486
00:19:28,849 --> 00:19:31,478
Do you seriously think I didn't need you?
487
00:19:31,478 --> 00:19:34,450
You've had my back since we were kids, man.
488
00:19:34,450 --> 00:19:36,154
Of course I needed you. We all do.
489
00:19:36,154 --> 00:19:37,657
He's right. You're awesome, bro.
490
00:19:37,657 --> 00:19:39,279
Leslie: Yeah. You welcomed
me into your group,
491
00:19:39,279 --> 00:19:40,679
no questions asked.
492
00:19:40,679 --> 00:19:43,438
And you should have asked...
493
00:19:43,438 --> 00:19:45,550
'Cause I'm a mess.
494
00:19:45,550 --> 00:19:48,407
You were my first white friend.
495
00:19:49,956 --> 00:19:53,339
You taught me how to recycle.
496
00:19:58,437 --> 00:19:59,889
Danny, you want to say anything?
497
00:19:59,889 --> 00:20:01,581
Hey, man, that's never gonna happen.
498
00:20:01,685 --> 00:20:03,813
That is seriously too bad,
499
00:20:03,813 --> 00:20:05,614
because whenever you
show your sensitive side,
500
00:20:05,614 --> 00:20:08,192
I find it insanely hot. [Chuckles]
501
00:20:08,192 --> 00:20:11,075
Okay. You... you didn't let me finish.
502
00:20:11,075 --> 00:20:12,301
Arr! [Chuckles]
503
00:20:12,301 --> 00:20:14,722
So, um, I wouldn't get too twisted
504
00:20:14,722 --> 00:20:16,369
about who the leader of this group is.
505
00:20:16,369 --> 00:20:17,581
No group has only one leader.
506
00:20:17,581 --> 00:20:18,610
He's right, man.
507
00:20:18,610 --> 00:20:20,669
I mean, we're all leaders, you know?
508
00:20:20,669 --> 00:20:22,339
No, Bursk. There's just the two leaders.
509
00:20:23,780 --> 00:20:26,409
Me and Justin.
510
00:20:26,409 --> 00:20:27,992
Buzz and Woody, huh?
511
00:20:27,992 --> 00:20:30,308
And you know what my favorite
part about "Toy Story" is?
512
00:20:30,308 --> 00:20:32,921
Yeah, Buzz Lightyear is way
more handsome than Woody,
513
00:20:32,921 --> 00:20:36,832
but deep down, he knows that
every day he spends with Woody
514
00:20:36,832 --> 00:20:38,564
makes him a better friend.
515
00:20:38,564 --> 00:20:41,017
Uh, thanks, man.
516
00:20:41,017 --> 00:20:41,598
You want a beer?
517
00:20:41,598 --> 00:20:42,414
I wouldn't miss it.
518
00:20:43,217 --> 00:20:44,967
Oh, God. I am so turned on right now.
519
00:20:44,967 --> 00:20:47,234
Hey, man, I got to go.
520
00:20:52,452 --> 00:20:57,434
Oh, Nicki, Nicki, Nicki,
Nicki, Nicki, Nicki, Nicki.
521
00:20:57,434 --> 00:20:58,207
[Breathes deeply]
522
00:20:58,207 --> 00:21:00,324
Ah, I hope that was good for you.
523
00:21:00,324 --> 00:21:01,533
I hope you liked that.
524
00:21:01,533 --> 00:21:05,087
Hope you liked the part
about the canned beans.
525
00:21:10,011 --> 00:21:11,286
Just kind of came to me.
526
00:21:11,286 --> 00:21:13,481
Anyway, I'm going to go to bed.
527
00:21:13,481 --> 00:21:16,329
And dream about you aaall night long.
528
00:21:16,364 --> 00:21:18,938
Anyway...
529
00:21:18,938 --> 00:21:22,013
call me back when you get this message.
530
00:21:22,063 --> 00:21:26,613
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