Original subtitles

To the almost-newlyweds,

and to me for introducing you at my wedding.

Our wedding and turns out, you don't get credit

for sitting single people at the singles' table.

We ain't sitting there no more.

Mm.

Both: Mm-mm-mm.

Yeah.

Muah.

I'll come to you.

[laughter]

I am so looking forward to this weekend.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Oh, she couldn't care less about your love.

She just wants out of the house.

The last time I had hotel sex

was when Sadie was conceived.

She's kidding.

Sadie was conceived in my parents' house

in the bed that I grew up in.

I don't know why I shared that.

How is it you guys have time to hang out

and have dinner with us this close to your wedding?

Yeah, when we were three days out,

this one was hiring a florist, firing a bridesmaid,

and putting a pastry chef in a choke hold.

All on 300 calories a day.

Oh.

Well, actually that's the reason we're here.

You know our minister died.

I wouldn't take that as an omen.

We looked for a replacement,

but we realized what we really want

is someone standing there who knows us.

We talked about it, and we both think

there's only one choice.

As long as you both are on the same page.

Will you marry us, Mitch?

- Huh? What? - Whoa.

You want Mitch to marry you?

What happened to "There's only one choice"?

Wow, what an honor!

Yes! Yes! A million times, yes!

I will marry you. [laughs]

Oh, you have just made him the happiest girl on earth.

Really, really?

Don't look now

I said don't look now

'Cause here we are

Living the best days of our lives

Synced and Corrected by Nsiko www.Addic7ed.com

What do you think, black binder, blue binder?

Why do you need a binder?

It's the wedding binder.

This ceremony has to go perfectly.

Wait a minute, you scripted out every word

that you and everyone at the wedding is saying?

On a related note, I think I have carpal tunnel.

Don't you think you're taking this a little too seriously?

Yes, this is the biggest honor I've ever been given.

When Grace and Daniel made me godfather to what's-his-name,

that was something,

but what are the chances of them both dying?

This wedding is really happening.

[knock at door]

- Hey, guys. - Hey.

Mitch, got your email... That should have been a text.

He doesn't know the difference.

Here's our wedding video. Why do you wanna see it?

Well, I wanna hear your minister's voice

to see how I should play it.

I will now place the DVD into the player.

He's been at it all day.

This morning I caught him trying to marry

Cap'n Crunch and Mrs. Butterworth.

Well, I don't see that marriage working out.

She's such a homebody, and he's always at sea.

[both chuckle]

It's a big responsibility. It's harder than you think.

Well, maybe they should have gone with someone with more experience,

someone who has entertained crowds

from Portland to Austin and everywhere in between,

except for all of Arizona.

Russell, you said you were gonna be a big boy about this.

No, Ang, you said I was gonna be a big boy about all of this.

Fine.

You know what, you wanna steal our minister's swag,

go for it, but while you're watching,

pay attention to what I serve up during the wedding.

Babe, are you ready to relive the best day of your life?

Pass.

Russell, ever since I was a little girl,

I dreamt of this day,

but now it's real,

and it's not a dream.

It's even better because I didn't know you

when I was a little girl,

and I didn't know I could be this happy.

It's not just what she said, it's how she said it.

What was that? You don't want to see your video?

You mean the most special day that a woman looks forward to

her whole life?

Oh, this is bad.

Give me the goods.

I just wish that the wedding hadn't been such an R.L.P.

A Russell Logan Production.

Angie, my love, I have also dreamt of this moment

since I was a little girl.

[laughter]

[laughs]

Boom! Improv!

Look at the cellist laughing.

Paid her to play. She laughed for free.

[chuckles] I'm hilarious.

This ring cost a lot of money,

especially for something I'm just gonna wear

around the house.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

It's. It's... oh, what?

Russell, you may now kiss the bride.

Uh, uh.

Wow, the bar has been set.

Thank you.

Your minister was really great.

That was your takeaway?

That guy really found the zone.

It should be me! I should be marrying them!

I'm a performer. You're a professor.

I have stage chops, you have pork chops.

I lost it, but you know what I mean.

Russell, I didn't realize you felt this way.

Okay, you know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna... I'm gonna call Derek and Charlene

and tell 'em that you're the better man for the job.

You'd do that?

No, it's a huge honor!

I want it. You didn't get it.

So, suck it.

Okay, everyone, a rehearsal dinner is reward

for a rehearsal well-rehearsed.

Okay, procession order will be:

Anton, Mike, Trey, Scooter...

Sorry, those are the names of the guys in the band.

Wrong tab. Wrong tab.

- Hey there. - Hi, babe.

As part of our child-free weekend,

I am booking us couples massages.

I just want to know, do you want a male or female masseuse?

Oh, I'm really busy. Doesn't matter. Female.

Okay.

Just making sure that we are still on track

[baby voice] for some sexy mommy, daddy time.

- Sorry. - Yeah.

Now, I am all for that.

Let me just finish the rehearsal,

but if you want to do me a favor,

Google how not to cry.

[flower girl laughs]

Uh, flower girl, flower girl,

can you practice your Nae Nae after the rehearsal?

Angie, help me out.

Mitch, she's a kid. She's dancing.

This is a wedding.

A wedding's no place for dancing.

- Excuse me, are you the minister? - I am.

All right, can I ask you to relax a little?

You can. Who are you?

I'm Ashley, the wedding planner.

Okay. Can I ask you to relax less?

Where have you been? It's almost dinner.

We haven't even run the ceremony once.

Once is plenty. I told everyone 5:30.

You told everyone 5:30 for 5:30?

Oh, my gosh. You didn't want to pad it?

Is this your first wedding?

It is. Is it yours?

Okay. Calm down.

Don't worry about the plan.

Oh, my gosh. You're a wedding planner.

The only reason you have a job

is because people worry about the plan.

Well, I researched how not to cry,

and the answer is chardonnay.

Can't. I need to stay sharp.

I'll find you right after this.

Where is the...

Then I will be drinking both of these.

- Good luck to you. - Good luck to you.

Hi, Russell Logan at your service.

Who?

Russell Logan at your service.

Russell, Russell...

Are you part of the wedding party?

No, he's not.

I am... technically not, no.

But Derek and Charlene have bestowed upon me a critical...

Courtesy.

- Privilege. - Busy work.

Okay, I open the ceremony

by untying the ribbon at the head of the aisle.

Oh, the knot guy.

Great, now I'm missing a bridesmaid.

Has anyone seen the groom? Kinda need the groom!

Ashley, try.

I saw them at the bar. I'll go get them.

You stay here and continue having your meltdown.

She called me "the knot guy."

Derek, relax, the past is the past,

and nobody knows.

And nobody better find out either, Monica.

How would you feel if everyone at your wedding

knew the bridesmaid hooked up with the person

you're about to marry?

Ooh-Kay.

I can't believe Derek cheated.

I didn't say he cheated.

There's no way he cheated.

I didn't say he cheated.

- Do you think he cheated? - No way!

Which one is Monica again?

2:00, stilettos with the mini.

[fake yawns]

Well, this is new information.

I think it's clear that I need to talk to them.

No, Mitch, this is not your problem to solve.

But I'm their minister.

You have a laser-printed certificate

from a non-denominational ministry in the Bahamas.

- I took an oath. - You clicked on an oath.

I double-clicked on an oath.

You both should care.

They met at your wedding, at your singles' table.

A lot of people hooked up at our wedding.

It was a very good band.

I need to talk to Derek.

Okay, look, if someone's gonna talk to Derek, it should be Russell.

- I mean, they're closer. - Which is why it's ridiculous

that I'm not performing this ceremony.

- Babe. - Russell.

Suck it.

Mitch, this is our weekend.

You and I are going to that bar

and then we're gonna have sex whether you like it or not.

Fine.

So, Derek, tomorrow's the big day.

- Aah. - Ha.

Any jitters? Any problems?

What... what are we thinking?

- Everything's good. - Okay.

- Except... - Except?

My Uncle Harold.

He got snowed in at O'Hare.

Won't be able to make the wedding

to read this poem he wrote.

Sorry, man, that's tough stuff.

- Hmm. - So what's up with the...

Wait, do you need somebody to read a poem?

Oh, you know what'd be fun?

I sit at the bar, you pretend you're a stranger,

bring me over a drink, and then try to pick me up.

Fun. Did I bring those drink vouchers?

But don't do that thing where you ask me a bunch of questions

about my sexual past in an effort to determine

your exposure to STDs.

Okay, okay, but if we're gonna be strangers,

I'm wearing a condom.

Hey, Mitch, good news.

Yeah, hey, what'd you find out?

There's snow in Chicago, and yours truly got upgraded

to poem reader, or as I like to say,

rhyme syncopation coordinator.

What?

I'm now reading a poem during the ceremony.

It's a very high honor, so suck it.

What about Monica and Derek?

Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

I totally forgot about that.

So, what brings you to town?

That's the voice you're doing?

Okay.

Me and my roller derby team are in the semifinals

in La Jolla, so... oh, God.

She murdered her first husband and got away with it.

What about you?

- I helped. - I'm out.

Hey, ladies, you hear the good news?

I am in the wedding.

I thought you were already in the wedding

with that ribbon thing.

We all know that's a load of crap.

I am reading a poem.

They just gave me the title for now,

but based on the length of the title alone,

gonna be a long one.

Russell, this is the whole poem.

It's a haiku.

No, it's not.

One, two, three, four five.

One, two... five... seven.

Ah, damn it!

- Hey, Derek. - Hey.

Oh, Ashley, while I have you,

are you even remotely aware

that one of the bridesmaids is allergic to orchids?

You mean Tonya.

Lucky guess.

It's a wedding, Mitch.

God forbid a bridesmaid tears up.

Great choice.

So I was gonna ask you...

Oh, I got your email. I owe you vows.

It's just those words are the pillars of your marriage,

but whenever.

I'm sorry, man, it's... something came up.

Oh. Something came up?

You know, if you... if you need to talk,

I am your minister

for the weekend, who you can tell anything to.

You know, don't you?

So, I just talked to Derek.

- And? - Yes?

Do tell.

Monica did not hook up with Derek.

- I told you. - Not my boy.

But Monica did have a two-month relationship

with Charlene.

- Oh, my. - This is new.

But it happened over two years ago,

before Derek and Charlene even met,

and even though Derek just found out about it,

he and Charlene talked it over, and he's okay with it.

- That's their business. - Of course he is.

But I am not. I can't marry them.

Would you be more comfortable with a haiku?

First of all, there was no cheating.

Charlene didn't even know Derek when she dated Monica.

Second of all, this happened before they knew each other.

That's what I just said.

This is a huge deal.

But it doesn't have to be. Derek's fine with it.

Marry them. Do it.

No, this is very big information

for a groom to be finding out about his bride

on their wedding weekend.

They obviously don't know each other very well.

They obviously didn't put a ton of thought

into this poem thing.

Yeah, it's only been nine months.

Wait, whose side are you on?

I don't know. I just like a good argument.

They haven't even known each other for all four seasons.

Has she even seen him in shorts?

What if he has strange kneecaps?

There's no exercise for that.

Can I talk to you for a second?

No, you never pull me aside to take my side.

Oh, come here.

It is 12:01.

We've been in this hotel for eight hours,

and the only person that's seen me naked is the maid.

Look... really?

Why do you care about other people's lives

more than they do?

If our friends thought we were making a mistake,

wouldn't you want them to stop us?

Yeah, while you're fixing everyone else's lives,

I'm left here alone.

I didn't think my first weekend without Sadie

was also gonna be my first weekend without my husband.

You can put that in your binder.

Don't take it out on the binder.

Sounds like Mitch is out.

Yeah.

That would leave this wedding without a minister.

Pardon my reach.

But you're not even ordained.

[phone chimes]

Just did.

Oh, this beautiful binder is a disaster.

[chuckles]

This page just says, "Do a rap, question mark."

The answer to that question is, "No, period."

Hey, babe, would you mind if I reused some material

from our wedding?

Material? You mean vows?

Yeah, I mean, it's a slightly different venue, but...

Venue? You mean wedding?

Is something bothering you?

Do you know why Derek and Charlene picked Mitch over you?

The same reason why their wedding song is "Ghostbusters."

They've lost all touch with reality.

Because you make everything about you.

You turn everything into a joke,

which is great when you're onstage

or in line at the bank.

I do crush at the bank.

I loved our wedding.

But during the vows,

during the most important part of the wedding,

guess what a bride doesn't want to hear.

A rap.

- Laughter. - That was my second guess.

Russell, I have something really important to ask you.

Good, because I have something really important to ask you.

Do you think I make everything about me?

Yeah, yeah, you literally just did it.

Wow.

Yeah.

I did, didn't I?

Angie has a point.

That must really be annoying. I gotta work on me.

How can I...

You're still doing it.

Damn!

Sorry.

Do you think I care about other people's lives

more than they do?

You definitely do.

That's your jam.

I call it Mitching out.

Tracy just wants to have sex with you.

I know.

Wife, sex, you.

Oh, my God.

Hey, can you, uh...

Charge this to your room? Yes.

Okay, everyone, the last of the guests are being seated.

We're about two minutes away.

We're just looking for the flower girl's other shoe.

Real tight ship, Ashley.

Hey, thanks for the room service this morning.

And for breakfast.

But most of all, thanks for doing this.

Most of all, that was an $80 breakfast.

Don't look over here, Derek,

even though you're gonna want to.

Ooh, Charlene, I need to see her.

Babe, we are having a fantastic weekend. What are you doing?

I am going to be a wreck

if I don't see her in her dress before she takes the main stage.

Kinda made her sound like a stripper there for a second.

My fault.

[classical music playing]

Hey, listen, babe...

No, you don't want to miss the best part.

That ribbon is a Tubman family tradition.

It's been a part of every wedding in our family

since my Grandma Harriet got married.

That's Harriet Tubman's ribbon?

- He's reading a poem. - Mm.

I'm just grateful I get to do something.

- Oh, Uncle Harold. - Damn it.

So, the vows?

Last time I'm gonna ask for 'em,

because it's the last time I can.

Here you go.

You know I still believe 'em, 'cause I just wrote 'em.

Hilarious.

Huh.

"As long as we both shall love," is that a typo?

No, that's right.

But it says "love."

You mean "live," right?

"Be together for as long as you both shall live."

No, we're gonna be together

for as long as we love each other.

For as long as it's right for us to be together.

Makes sense to me. Let's do this.

Okay, size two patent leather show found.

It's wedding time.

Hang on. Just a minute.

Look, I'm... I'm sorry.

Trace, what are you doing?

"Be together for as long as you both shall love"?

Just it sounds like someone's hedging their bets.

Yeah, it does sound a little noncommittal.

- Me? - Wait, what's happening?

Does this have anything to do with Monica?

How does she...

Did you tell her about this, Derek?

I told her, but he told me.

But you just told everyone, so that's on you.

I thought we weren't telling anyone.

I'm sorry. I needed to talk about it.

Okay, a little less talky-talky,

a little more walky-walky.

I thought you didn't care about it.

I don't.

It's just, it made me think:

Are there other things I don't know?

I don't think so.

Mitch, they need a minister.

Do your thing.

Okay, I'm not sure what it is, but we don't have time for his thing.

Look, you guys have only known each other for nine months.

So before we walk down this aisle,

let's take as long as you need.

No.

Let's take five minutes.

So you guys can be completely honest with each other

about what you want.

Yeah.

You see, this is why I hate internet ministers.

Sorry for the delay.

Friends, family,

something very special is about to happen.

Two people who love and care about each other so very much

are not getting married.

[overlapping chatter]

What, are you kidding me?

I flew all the way from Detroit.

Somebody owes me $800.

Charlene and I are still

making a commitment to each other.

A commitment to getting to know each other a little better.

Don't worry, Grandma, the bar's still open.

Thank you, baby.

You know you're going to walk down the aisle one day.

You may even expect to be at the birth of your child.

But what you don't count on

is standing two feet away from a couple

you so believe in

as they exchange these beautiful vows to each other.

Angie, yours is the laugh that I care about the most.

But I'm also gonna have the courage to be with you

when you feel like crying,

to listen to both your words and your silences,

to pay attention to you before myself,

and always be a headliner in your heart.

And, Angie, that's what I shoulda said the first time.

Mm-hmm.

[sniffles]

Really, we're doing this?

Yes, we're doing this. It's my one weekend away.

Yeah, my girl T came to dance. We're gonna dance.

Now, we agreed she needs this so bad,

we're willing to watch you dance.

Mm-hmm.

[Colin Hay's "I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You" plays]

This has been the best weekend ever.

I mean, I miss Sadie, but...

It's just us. You don't have to say that.

I drink good coffee every morning

So, did you finally get the wedding you wanted?

I did.

Russell, there's something I have to tell you.

Hmm?

Who is?

We is.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

[laughing] Oh, my God.

I knew!

[laughter]

Ohh.

Hey, guys, is it too early to ask to be in the delivery room?

Let me tell you something, man.

This kid better not be white.

[laughter]

If I lived till I was

A hundred and two

I just don't think I'll ever

Get over you

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