Original subtitles

Mm. Now, that's how you make a pot of coffee.

I don't know how I feel about my husband spending a night

on the road with his first ex-wife, adjoining hotel rooms...

suddenly, in the middle of the night, the door cracks open.

Stop. You know I hate scary stories.

Diane is standing there

in her stiff, monogrammed cotton pajamas,

telling you that you're brushing your teeth wrong.

[car horn honks]

How is Hillary so excited to spend her spring break at science

camp that she's been sitting in the car for the past hour?

That's just the hour we know about. I hadn't seen her since last night.

- Hey, bud. - Oh, Kate, the lamp fell.

Bud, why are you bringing so many clothes?

We're just gonna drop Hillary off, come right back tomorrow.

- How many pairs of socks do you need? - Socks!

Oh, hey, Warren. Kate, the lamp fell.

So, Diane, are you nervous about Hillary going away for the first time?

[laughs] Not at all. She's incredibly independent.

She was potty-trained at eight months. [sniffs]

[coffee pouring] I think she can handle one week on a college campus.

You should come along, Kate.

It would be your opportunity to finally see one in real life.

Well, I went to college, Diane, okay? I have a degree.

I just don't announce it every two minutes.

Well, neither do I.

If there's one thing Stanford taught me, it's that Stanford grads

always have that famous Stanford humility.

Oh, you can roll your eyes all you want, Kate,

but I am not showing off. I'm just stating a fact.

And if I were showing off,

I would tell you that I woke up at 4:15 this morning

to reattach a floating patella with a cadaver ligament

to an obese man. Obese knees are the hardest.

- Okay, my car is all packed. - Your car?

- Yeah, I thought I'd drive. - You thought wrong. I'm driving.

Oh, and, Peter, I can tell you have to potty,

so you might like to do so now because I'm not stopping.

- Save me. - You're on your own, buddy.

1x21 - "Back to School"

sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~

Oh, yeah.

- Ahh! - Ahh.

- Aah! - Yeah.

Jackie, how long have you been here?

Long enough to take off my bra, too. Just kidding.

I never wear a bra. [grunts]

- Hey, you know I never ask for help... - You always ask for help.

...which is how you know that this is real important.

I'm supposed to go to my high-school reunion tonight with Sad Steve,

but his mom fell into a really deep coma,

which is super-tragic, obviously,

because... now I don't have a date.

Ooh, don't you hate it how some people

- just make everything about themselves? - Oh, I know! Tell me about it.

It's, like, I don't have anyone to go with it,

and I can't go by myself.

Oh, I don't know what I'm gonna do.

- I would go with anyone. - Hmm.

- Hmm. - Hmm.

Hmm.

- Hmm. - Hmm.

- No, I guess... - Thank you! Oh, man!

Never would've even dreamed of asking you,

but since you volunteered ... no take-backs.

You're an angel in a devil's body. I love you.

Jackie, I can't go.

- I'm babysitting Bert tonight, so ... - Ah, don't worry.

I knew you'd use that as an excuse, so I already lined up a babysitter.

So chop-chop.

Look at all these spices. Ah! Meg, look.

- [chuckling] Gross. - Tevin, it's pronounced "cue-min."

[car horn honks]

All right. Jackie's here. I got to go.

[car horn honks]

[sighs] Meg, Tevin, be good.

- Bert, you're in charge. - Finally.

[car horn honks]

Oh, god, it's gonna be a long night.

Ah. The things that you do for your husband's second ex-wife.

- Where do you think the booze is? - I don't know.

Man: The mighty Inca empire fell not because of war or famine,

but because of something far more insidious.

He's asleep.

Finally. Okay. What's the plan?

- So, I'll take Hillary to orientation. - Just you? Why?

Because your contribution to our children's education ended

when they mastered papier-m?ch? volcanos.

- I stand by their work. - That was 10 years ago, Pete.

Ah, well, I am picking the baton back up.

This trip, I'm gonna get Warren excited about college.

Okay, good! Get him excited!

Get him excited enough to study now,

and maybe he won't have to go to a college that advertises on TV.

You know, I'm glad I came.

I can't wait to meet some of your high-school friends.

Oh, well, we were just a pack of cards with only one joker.

[chuckles]

Oh, there's this one girl ... Marcy.

Whew! She and I used to give each other the stuff.

- Ooh! Like drugs? - No! No!

The business, you know? The cheese.

The ol' back and forth. I'd zig, she'd zag.

[laughs]

We'd be at it all day.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it. Drugs.

- Yeah, sometimes. - Yeah. This is fun.

God, I'd much rather be here with you than with Diane, the ice queen.

Ooh! Brrrr! Frosty. [laughter]

Yeah. The only thing colder than her heart is her ...

Aah! [horn honks]

Aah!

Hitting a squirrel is good luck, right?

A rabbit and turtle...

go in the hole... tie them.

Look at me. I'm Pete. I'm a grown-up.

Look at me. I'm Kate.

Pete, have your way with me before you die.

We're so good at this.

[gasps]

- Let's have a kid. - That's a really big decision.

Let's do it.

Hi. I'm Adele.

Whoa. Are we in the right house?

This is my second best friend ... Adele.

Since you guys wouldn't let me play dress-up with you,

- I invited her over. - I know how to count in Korean.

Hana, dul.

I can count to three in burp.

[burping] One, two, three.

Bert: Oh, my god! That is so cool!

You have gots to teach me how to do that!

No problem. Um, Meg, grab a couple of sodas.

Okay. Oh, wait. Uh...

Kate said something about drinking or not drinking sodas.

- Oh, she said I could. - Yeah, I'm pretty sure

- it was a list of things that were fine. - Yeah.

When you said, "let's go visit the bookstore,"

I got all nervous, but all that place sold was candy and sweatshirts.

See, buddy? Isn't college a magical place?

[laughs] I had no idea how much it had to offer.

Like, did you see that guy in the cafeteria?

I'm gonna need a little more information, buddy.

He mixed like five different cereals into one bowl.

And that other dude who put chocolate milk into his frosty flakes?

Ha! [imitates explosion]

Did anything non-cereal-based capture your imagination?

- Mm... - You know what?

It doesn't matter.

I-I-I'm excited that you're excited to study hard now

- so one day you can go to college. - Yeah.

But, I mean, I guess I already have all the clothes,

and I can just put chocolate milk in my cereal at home

now that I've learned that trick.

Is there anything more for me to gain from this place?

- The ladies? - Now you're talkin'.

- Right? - Let's go find Mom and Hil. Come on.

[sighs]

Hillary: [sighs] It is so cool to be in a room

- with kids almost as smart as me. - Aww.

Oh, seeing you this excited

makes the car ride with your father almost worth it.

Welcome, everybody.

To kick things off, let's all go around the room

and say one academic achievement we are most proud of this year.

Uh, consider the ice broken.

I am Dr. Diane Buckley, and I have had quite a year...

- Oh, just the campers. - Oh, yes, of course.

I was only going to introduce my extraordinary daughter.

Thanks, Mom. [clears throat]

Hello. My name is Hillary Rodham Harrison,

and I had a poem published in my school's literary magazine called "Seasons."

I'm Alex, and I was also recently published,

in the journal of the American Medical Association.

- Oh. - Hi. My name is Badisha.

You probably already know me from my T.E.D. talk.

- These kids are really smart. - So are you.

Give a different fact.

I'd like to change my fact.

J'ai lu "Madame Bovary" dans le Fran?ais d'origine.

Wow. You're so lucky.

I was only allowed to learn languages of the future ...

the Mandarin, Arabic, html, java, unix.

- It's okay. - Excusez-moi.

[indistinct conversations]

Here's mine. Here's yours.

- Thanks so much for coming, Kate. - "Kate Fisher"?

- They put your last name on mine. - Oh.

I'll ... I'll just have them change it.

No, no, no. She's really slammed. Let's not bother her.

Jackie!

Congratulations, you two. I'll see you on the dance floor.

- Oh, thanks, Marcy. Cool. - Okay.

- She seems really sweet. - Yeah.

What is she congratulating us about?

Our wedding. I told everyone we're married.

- Married? What? Jackie! - Yeah. Come on,

let's get a drink and we'll talk about it later, okay?

- No, don't. - I want us to have fun. Just ...

Jackie, not ... stop it.

Okay, let me land or I'm moving to the front.

Okay, I'm sorry that I didn't tell you sooner.

It just never seemed like the right time.

Oh, really? We only spent six hours together in a car.

There wasn't time to say, "hey, Kate,

I told everyone at the reunion that you're my wife"?

Well, we were talking about dream license plates.

Look, listen. High school for me was no picnic.

I didn't have that many friends, no one wanted to eat with me,

so I had to eat outside by myself,

which I know sounds like a picnic, but it really wasn't.

Yeah, and remember that billy goat Marcy,

the one who came over gnawing on that tin can?

Yeah. She seemed nice.

- Yeah, nice ... for a donkey. - I thought she was pretty.

Well, probably 'cause her trainer

groomed her for the reunion. Stupid cow!

Okay, Jackie, can you just pick an animal and finish the story?

Her and her friends were so mean to me.

They used to make fun of me all the time,

mainly because of my mouth-breathing,

but also because I never had a boyfriend.

And finally, I got sick of it.

- I don't know. I just came out. - And how did that fix it?

Because it was the early '90s.

It was a great time to pretend to be gay.

That whole P.C. thing, remember? White people in dashikis.

- Oh, my god. - [gasps] Oh! Is that for real?

Ah! It's me! That's my prom photo!

Oh! Look how handsome and cute I was, so young.

I mean, I know it wasn't my dream prom, but hey, we can't all be Marcy,

and I get it if you don't want to be my wife.

- That's just fine, you billy goat. - No, you know what? I'll do it.

- Wait. What? - Yeah. I totally understand.

Listen, none of us got out of a high school unscathed.

- No. - Just clear your crazy with me

- first next time, okay? - Okay. Okay.

- Okay? - Mm-hmm.

Now let's go show everyone how great things turned out

for this brave, little mouth-breather.

Okay. [breathing heavily]

I'm hanging out at college, pounding cereal,

and you take me to class? I'm not really digging this.

But I was digging that vending machine with the comb in it.

Hey, can I have three bucks?

You already have a comb. And I think you might like this class.

From "Rambo" to "Bambi," welcome to violence in cinema.

Shut up!

Oh, oh. Sorry. Sorry. Please continue.

[burping] Four... five.

[laughs] Nice one!

- Full-bodied and... it smells. - Drinking soda's so much fun.

I feel like my teeth are getting smaller.

All right, rodents.

Mac and cheese orange, mac and cheese white,

Dino nugget, chicken stars.

Oh, and fruit.

Come here.

So, I found where they keep their nice wine.

Let's pop one and get weird.

Meg, we're always hanging out with your friends.

Let's hang out with my friends for a change.

- Bert and Adele are cool. - They're 8.

- I'm 8 1/2. - Ah! Sweet, Adele! I'm 31 1/2.

Yet another thing we have in common.

Have you even tried to get to know them?

- So, we're on our honeymoon in Tulum... - And we're topless the whole time.

- E-everyone's topless. - Yeah.

And all of a sudden, it starts raining out of nowhere.

Oh! This one wants avocado all of a sudden.

I'm like, "oh, no." And she ... anyway, long story short,

we just end up making love all night long.

- Okay. I'm gonna hit the ladies' room. - Oh, okay.

Well, we'll just watch that tuchus go. Mmm!

Kate!

- Oh, hi. - Hi.

- It's so nice seeing Jackie so happy. - Mm-hmm.

It's one thing to hear about her successful pickle business,

- but to find someone to share it with... - Yeah.

You know, I wouldn't even call it a business.

- "Pickle me this" is more of an empire, so... - Yeah.

And you found yourself a pretty sweet situation, huh?

Right.

[laughs]

- What do you mean? - Oh, come on. Jackie told me.

She makes the money,

and you stay home and keep it right and tight.

- Her words, not mine. - That's my wife joking.

Joking, I mean, 'cause... I do things.

I do things. I do important things.

Oh, I'm sorry. Like what?

- Oh, like what? - Mm-hmm.

Wel... well, I can't believe she didn't tell you.

I mean, like, today I woke up at 4:15 A.M.,

- in the morning... - Mm-hmm.

...to get up and go and reattach a floating patella

with a cadaver ligament to a fat man.

Yep, and I did that because I am an orthopedic surgeon

who went to Stanford. That's right.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I've been needing to go pee for the past 10 minutes.

So, you know, when I hold it in... people die.

That was so awesome! That one guy was like...

[imitates machine gun firing]

and the other guy was like...

[imitates sword clanging]

Oh! That was so cool!

You know what? I'm gonna do whatever it takes to get here,

even if that means studying five hours every week.

Well, make sure and schedule some "me" time.

I'll always have time for you.

Mwah.

Whoo! College!

Hear that? The sound of me crushing it as a dad.

Oh, no, no. Those are mine, too.

Hillary, three plates of fries?

- Sweetheart? - Who cares?

- Hey, sweetie, how was science... - My life is over!

Whoop.

...camp. How do I put this?

- Is aunt period in town? - Oh, Peter, it was awful.

For the first time in our daughter's life, she wasn't the smartest

person in the room, and there was nothing I could do to help her.

Did you talk to her? What did you say?

I froze up. I tried to draw on personal experience,

but the only failure I could think of in the moment

was my inability to orgasm during the latter part of our marriage,

which is, of course, really your failure.

I never had a chance. You kept swatting my hand away saying,

"what's your plan? You have no plan."

I just wish I had taught her that it was okay to be second-best.

Well, I mean, it's not all pickles. It's beets, it's relish.

You know, but I'm kind of thinking of getting into the chutney game.

Excuse me. Jackie.

Oh, hey, sugar boobies. Where you been all my life?

Kidding. We're married. I bagged this hot, little ... ow!

- Ow! That's how I like it ... rough. - Jackie, enough.

I do you a favor, and you go around telling people

that I'm just your arm candy? Do you know how that makes me feel?

I had to tell Marcy that I was a surgeon.

Ooh! Aah! I wish you had kinda cleared that with me first.

It's not really gonna jive with the stories I've been telling.

Don't know too many doctors that would slap a toll-booth operator.

- Hmm. - What?

Jackie, you could've made me anyone. What about a career woman?

- Oh, man. - What? Why? What? What?

You don't think people would believe that?

Hey, girl, when I go to your reunion,

I'll be any kind of wife you want, so just relax,

have a drink, and keep looking so damn pretty.

- Know what I mean? - Unbelievable!

What? That was a compliment.

[sighs]

Women, huh? Ugh. You can't ... okay.

Kate, wait!

Look, I'm sorry what I said about you.

All right, I'll tell everyone that you're a doctor.

Oh! That you were voted hottest surgeon in Good Doctor magazine.

That's the problem, Jackie. I'm not a surgeon, okay?

I don't even work. I go to yoga twice a week

and I sometimes still have Bert make me dinner.

- So? What's the big deal? - I didn't finish college, okay?

And this morning I lied to Diane and I told her that I did.

So you told one little lie about college.

Big whoop. Ha! I tricked you into being my wife,

and I just invited 10 people to come tour my pickle factory.

But that's the point, Jackie.

I don't want to have to lie about going to college

or being a doctor. I want to actually do something.

Right on!

And you know what? You shouldn't lie, either.

Because your real life is like a hundred times more interesting

- than anybody else's in there. - Yeah. You're right.

I am amazing. I'm a great, straight, single lady

with a boutique pickle business that fits right in my trunk.

- Yeah! - It was really nice being the cool girl

- at the party, though, for once. - You know what ... you are way cooler

than you give yourself credit for, J-bird.

Yeah?

- Yeah. - Aww.

- Come on, let's get outta here. - Yeah.

- Oh, no, Jackie! - Okay, I got to be honest with you.

You're just sending me mixed signals all night.

- Have I? - Yeah.

Hil, what are you talking about?

You're the smartest person I've ever met. [scoffs]

In a year, you're gonna blow all those kids out of the water.

- Really? - Let me tell you about a girl I know.

That girl can do anything she puts her mind to.

That girl is brilliant, although she may not always realize it.

- That girl's my hero. - Thanks, Warren.

Oh, don't interrupt me. That girl won the Hunger Games.

- Wait. Katniss? - Oh, yeah! Katniss.

Yeah, I knew her name started with a "K." [chuckles]

She's so hot. You're pretty cool yourself.

Hey, sweetie, you doing better?

- Yeah. - You guys are good?

Hey, can we go to the "Kill Bill" screening at the student center?

Ah, yeah. Can we?

- Yeah, sure. - Sure. Have fun.

- Really? Okay. - Awesome. Let's go.

- Oh, grab the fries and the ketchup. - Oh. Aah!

- Let's go. - Bye, you guys. Love you.

- We've got good kids. - Yeah, we do.

I wish they had left the fries. This is my cheat day.

What are you doing?

I'm taking a quiz to see what kind of lover I am.

And all signs point to...

Ooh. That is a grown-up word.

Tevin: Boom! Eat feather.

I need a break. Meg, please help me in the kitchen.

- Okay. - Adele, tag in.

Lift me up.

[grunts]

You have got to get Tevin out of here.

- What? Why? - He's taking over everything!

It was fun when he burped the first 10 times,

but now the whole house smells like white cheddar popcorn.

Oh, man, but he's having so much fun with you guys.

And I'm always the bad guy. This one's on you, buddy.

[groans]

I'm okay.

Kate. I'm sorry to bother you,

but I've got this click in my knee

that really only bugs me when I'm playing tennis.

Can you take a look at it?

Marcy, what is it you do for a living?

- Um, I'm an I.T. project manager. - Ugh.

Well, I wouldn't ask you to project-manage my I.T.

at a party, you know? So, I don't think so.

And, plus, stop flirting with me, okay? I'm taken. [chuckles]

Oh. Hi. Jackie, I thought you were pulling the car around.

- I was, but you have the keys. - Oh.

Plus, there's something I want to say to her.

- What? - Marcy, when we were in high school,

you were really mean to me, and so I decided ...

Honey, you know what? Sorry.

I want to dance. This is our song.

- I don't know this song. - Shh-shh.

Just put your hand on my ass and pretend.

- Oh. Why did you do that? - Because Marcy's a donkey

and I want to dance with the cool girl at the party.

Oh! Thank you, Kate! Oh!

Bert: There are so many stages in life ...

kid, older kid, grown-up.

Each one is special.

It's fun to look back on the person you were...

...and remember who you wanted to be.

But you have to look forward, too,

because most of the time, you don't even realize

you're ready to move on to the next chapter

until you're already there.

I guess what I'm saying is,

I think you need to find friends your own age.

[scoffs]

Fine. Whatever!

[sniffles]

You suck at burping.

Barry white!

What a baby.

Ugh. It's 9:15. I am gonna be useless tomorrow.

[groans]

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- Should we wake them up? - Oh, it's 2:00 in the afternoon.

I'm sure they've gotten their eight hours.

[whistles] Good morning!

- Is it tomorrow now? - Two questions.

Maybe more. How are you still sleeping?

And why are you wearing our pajamas?

- Oh, loud! - Meg, I told you to sleep on the pullout.

Well, if it makes you feel any better,

we didn't do much sleeping, and we definitely didn't pull ...

Okay, out! Out of the bed so we can burn these sheets.

Why aren't you moving? Why aren't they moving?

Let me put it this way.

You should only be half mad at us for wearing your pajamas.

Okay. Okay. I'm out. I'm out.

Get out!

Um, there is the matter of our payment?

Not a good time. Gotcha.

We'll talk after breakfast.

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