Original subtitles

So, Pete said he was gonna make the chili

for California history day at the school,

but, you know, he's been coming home tired lately,

so I just decided I would make the chili for him.

- Meg? - Whoa! Sorry.

I just fell asleep with my eyes open, and I was having a nightmare

That you wouldn't stop talking about your boring life.

Boring life? Are you kidding me?

I just made chili with two kinds of beans!

Ah! Afternoon, lassies!

I'm a frontier doctor.

- And I get to be a double amputee. - Hey, I guess things

are getting more interesting around here. [chuckles]

Yeah, and, you know, each booth represents

- a different aspect of California ... - And... I'm asleep again.

[laughs] That's hilarious! Where do you come up with this stuff?

Hey, everybody! What's the haps?

...is something I will never say again.

I'm helping Warren with his project. He's cutting my arms off.

Cool. Just make sure you pick them up,

- put them away when you're done. - Come on.

Babe, I made the chili for history day.

You are the bomb-diggity.

I know what it is.

I've been listening to a different radio station.

Meg and I are gonna go poster shopping,

because she kicked Tevin out,

and he took all the black-light art, so...

- Oh. So, you're relieved. - Annoyed.

Now all I have is regular-light art.

- That's why Diane and I broke up. - I believe it.

You shouldn't. I thought you kicked Tevin out months ago.

I did, but then I took him back, and then I kicked him out again.

and I was gonna take him back,

but then he showed up with, like, bleached tips.

Do you have any idea what that looks like under a black light?

Unfortunately, I do.

I followed the Duran Duran "Hungry like the wolf" tour.

- Oh, so did my Dad! - Get out of my house.

- Bye, babe. Mwah. - Mm.

- Love you. - Love you, too.

[humming]

[gags]

1x18 - Couples Therapy

Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org

[indistinct conversations]

Back in the old days, patients used to bite down on bullets

- in place of anesthesia. - And procedures were excruciating.

It hurts so bad!

Well, my chili booth

is kicking the Frank-and-bean booth in the keister. [chuckles]

That's old-timey for "ass."

Yeah, I kn... I know what it means.

- Hey. - Hey.

I've been hearing raves about your chili.

Yes, Diane. I made it, and everybody is loving it.

Well, I always say if it appeals to the masses,

- it must be the best. - Exactly. [chuckles]

- Wow. That is extraordinary! - Thank you. [chuckles]

Wow. Our line is dwindling.

All right, I'm gonna go spread the rumor

That there's E. Coli in the Johnnycakes. [chuckles]

Hey, guys. Oh! Look how bloody and so cute you are!

Um, I brought you some corn.

[western accent] Well, I ain't got no arms, ma'am.

Well, that ain't nothin' but a thing, boo!

Mmm. Delicious. What am I tasting?

I don't know. You have to ask Kate.

Mmm. Definitely cumin, molasses, dark chocolate, and... Lies.

I-I-I don't know ... what you're talking about.

Cut the crap, Peter.

I'd recognize your famous chili anywhere. [sighs]

Why is Kate pretending like she made it?

Because she thinks she did. Her chili tasted like balls.

So I threw it out, and I made a new pot. [chuckles]

Oh, that's classic. You concoct a small lie

to avoid an even smaller confrontation.

And by the time it all comes out, your relationship is doomed.

I'm ... I'm different now. Diane, I've changed.

- Really? Uh, how? - Yeah.

- Stuff! - Oh.

Good stuff, bad stuff, the whole... shebang. I'm on it.

Like what?

- Uh, I'm in therapy. - You're in therapy?

Couples therapy, so Kate and I can ... can grow as a couple.

But, then, why didn't you tell her about the chili?

Healing ... healing is a process. It takes... time.

I-I-I am planning on bringing it up

in session tomorrow afternoon, though.

But, uh, you volunteered for cleanup duty tomorrow afternoon.

Ah! I forgot. Damn it!

Peter...

I probably say this too much, but ... come here.

Come here. I'm proud of you.

Oh. [chuckles]

In the name of personal growth,

I am happy to take over your cleanup duty tomorrow afternoon.

Wow. Diane, I really appreciate that.

Still getting manicures, I see.

I always thought if I could just pick any time period

to live in, it would be...

Yeah, 1996. Yeah.

Hey, can we get a dessert from the cobbler stand?

Oh. [chuckles]

That's not dessert, honey. Those are shoes.

People used to eat shoes?

Go... enjoy.

Just between you and me, the Frank and beans taste like balls.

[both chuckle]

What's going on over here?

Not much. I told Diane that we're in couples therapy.

You dummy! Why would you say that?

Because she thinks we're not capable of working on our issues.

Since when do we have issues?

We don't, but saying we do makes it seem like we're evolving.

- But we're not. - But she thinks we are!

I'm telling you, it was a really sweet moment, for her.

I mean, I was just giggling on the inside.

I'm going on record as saying this is a bad idea.

And I was right the last time I said it was a bad idea

when you wore your crocs to work.

- Trust me. This is a brilliant idea. - Oh, yeah?

Diane is gonna take over our cleanup duty tomorrow.

So we get out of a gross chore,

and we get to use fake therapy to go on a real date.

Hmm, well, you might be the most romantic little liar I ever knew.

Except for Roger.

He stole my heart and my social security card.

Is he the guy who said he was a prince?

- Uh, no, that was Gustav. - The albino?

No, that was Bruno.

[woman sighs loudly]

[speaking Spanish]

- Who's that lady? - Shh!

[continues speaking Spanish]

Why is she so mad?

They're both sisters, and they're in love with that man.

I don't see what he sees in them.

- Okay. - Hey.

Can you guys please be quiet?

I'm trying to do my psych homework.

- Ah, where you guys going? - Out.

- At 3:00 on a weekday? - Oh, boy.

You're either picking up a new brother,

or I'm going in for more ADHD tests.

- New brother! New brother! - Uh, we're just going out.

Uh, Warren, do you worry about those things?

What things?

[speaking Spanish resumes]

- Oh, hey. - Hey.

- I'm here for my spa day. - She's pretty stressed about Tevin,

so I told her she could come over and swim

- and use the steam shower. - Yeah!

She's gonna do it anyway,

so I might as well make it sound like it's my idea.

You'll be gone before we get back, right?

Uh, yeah. I wouldn't want you to ruin my experience of your home.

[man speaking Spanish]

No!

Oh! Um...Hi ... hi, Meg. Sorry about that.

Um, didn't know you were coming over.

Why are you guys always here? Don't you have, like, eight houses?

We live here. Why are you here?

[laughs] Meg, you slay me. You want to hang out?

Uh, if "hang out" means you get me drinks

while I work on my tan, then sure.

Uh, great! Yeah, love to.

I'll help! I love playing Cabana boy.

I'll go put on my white blazer!

- Sweet. I love a man in white. - Now, where's my iron?

This sucks!

I have this stupid psych project on extended adolescence,

and I still don't know what my subject is.

Shut up, Mom! I am at work! I am not back-talking!

You thinking what I'm thinking?

Ugh!

That I just found my subject?

Mm. No. I might need to borrow your white pants.

[laughs]

- Mmm! - Mmm.

Okay, before I order another lobster,

should I feel guilty that we're not in therapy right now?

Who's to say we're not? Let's practice communicating.

Okay. Fine.

[clears throat]

When you say those scallops are amazing,

I feel you should pass me one.

And I feel that our relationship could benefit from, uh...

Hang on. Let me wiki some therapy terms.

See? We're so healthy, we don't even know what therapy is.

That was so fun and sneaky. I can't believe we got away with it.

I know. Are you as turned on as I am?

- Yes, I am! - Jackie, what are you doing here?

Oh, Diane told me you guys are in therapy,

so I brought over some healing muffins!

Well, I got them at Ralphs, but I put them in my own basket.

But therapy! Yay, us!

[laughs] I'm so happy for us.

A marriage takes three people.

Whatever you do, do not sleep with your therapist.

God, the fantasy is so much better than the reality.

[hand patting] Ohh!

So, therapy.

What's your jam ... freudian? Jungian?

Ooh, hypno? Hakomi?

Maybe a little dream therapy is what's rocking your boat?

- We're just talking to someone. - Just talking.

Just talking. Ooh, good!

Who talks first? No, who cries more?

No ... obviously, this one's a real sleep-weeper.

I don't still weep in my sleep, do I?

- No. - So, who are you seeing?

- Uh... - You know, Jackie, it's private.

Private. Okay. All right, I can take a hint.

Great. Thank you. [sighs deeply]

You want me to guess. [chuckles] Okay.

I will guess. Dr. Shockley.

- No ... - No?

Doctor ... Dr. Smith. Dr. Johnson?

I could go all day, 'cause, I mean, believe it or not,

I know every shrink in L.A.

- Is it Dr. Patel? - It's ... it's Dr. "J."

- Never heard of her. - Him.

Ah. That's right. Men can be doctors, too.

He just moved here from... Philadelphia.

Yeah, and, uh... you know, Jackie, it's all just really new to us,

so we're ... we're ... we're feeling a little bit vulnerable.

Okay! Well, listen.

If you need me to take Bert for an hour or two, that's great.

- I'd be happy to. - Oh, that's okay.

That would be great, actually,

because we have that, uh, uh, session tomorrow at 3:00.

- We do? - Yeah.

Yeah, it was a last-minute opening, so...

Fun! Okay! I will take Bert.

We'll make popcorn balls.

- Like, high-fructose adorableness. - Thanks, Jackie.

- Kate: Thanks, Jackie! - Yeah!

Why did you tell her I have to go to therapy tomorrow, too?

What?! Come on!

It's been so much fun having this extra time.

And you've always wanted to learn how to play tennis,

- so here's your shot. - Yeah, but now Jackie thinks

I need to go to therapy twice a week.

[chuckles] So what? She goes, like, 11 times a week.

Well, twice-divorced guy,

going to therapy once a week ... healthy.

Twice-divorced guy... going to therapy twice a week ...

- Broken weirdo sex-addict. - I'm gonna go get those little socks

with the little balls on the back.

I'll see you later, sex addict.

Oh ... oh, my god.

[breathing heavily]

Uh ... [inhales deeply]

Ah!

[panting] Meg, I... wasn't expecting you.

Why are you wearing girl pants?

Uh... [chuckles] these?

It was a joke, and you got it, so you win a back rub!

- Yay! - I'm good.

Oh, um, o-okay.

I, uh, guess I'm just gonna go ahead and, um, change.

Hey, Meg! Thank you so much for coming over here.

I have, like, 100 questions to ask

about what it's like being such a cool grown-up.

My pleash. It's actually the perfect excuse to avoid Tevin.

Ever since I kicked him out,

he keeps sexting me selfies from the futon in his van.

[chuckles] [doorbell rings]

Hey, I'm gonna go get that, but I'll be right back, okay?

Don't open the door if it's a stranger.

Actually, what do I care?

- Oh, hi, Mom! - Ohh! Hi, sweetie! Ohh!

I'm here to pick up Bert for his Mandarin lesson.

- Bertie? - Um, he's not here.

Dad and Kate dropped him off at Jackie's.

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

There's been a change of plans, and three grown adults

all neglected to tell the busy surgeon. That's fun.

- I need a towel! - Okay! I'll be right out!

What's the wastrel doing here?

[chuckles]

I'm going to give her the marshmallow test

as part of my psych project.

I give her a marshmallow, tell her she can wait 5 minutes,

I'll give her another. But if she eats it before then,

- she doesn't get the second one. - Mm.

- It's usually done on toddlers, so ... - So it's perfect for Meg.

[both laugh]

[doorbell rings]

Bert, can you get the door? I'm pickling!

Sleep in brine, my little radish friend.

I'll be back for you in a week!

Shh.

[speaking Mandarin]

[speaking Mandarin]

Hey!

[speaking Mandarin]

[speaking Mandarin]

[both laugh]

- Go grab your notebook, sweetie. - [chuckling] Yeah. Okay.

What were you guys laughing about?

Were you making fun of me? Is it my topknot?

Yeah, okay, you know what? Okay, fine.

You try something different ... crucify me.

Why do you have Bert on a Peter-and-Kate day?

Oh! Oh... because they're in therapy!

- Again? - Yes!

- Twice in one week? - Yes.

- Are you sure? - Oh, yes. Yes, I wrote it down.

I wrote it down in my journal. Here it is.

Oh, no, this is my dream journal.

Well, it's not my dream dream journal,

'cause my dream journal is very expensive.

But maybe one day!

Oh, here it is. Here's my day journal.

Ah! Yeah, uh, they are seeing Dr. "J" from Philadelphia.

- Dr. "J" from Philadelphia? - Yeah, do you know him?

- He's a famous basketball player. - [sighs] Oh, wow.

Kate and Peter... are lying.

How?

[speaking Mandarin]

Whew! I love tennis. [velcro tearing]

Okay, what is happening? Can you even hear me?

I am preparing. [grunts]

I don't want to scare you, but I play hard.

Want a headband?

Nah. No, I don't want to look like an old guy. [sighs]

Kate: Good point.

Hillary: Now let's try this really cool thing

called the marshmallow test.

- That sounds boring. - Beyonc?'s totally into it.

- Awesome. - Yeah! [chuckles]

Hold on a sec. Cabana boy!

Warren: Oh, uh... [chuckles]

think of me more as your, um... Cabana man.

Hey, cutie.

- Hey. - Hey.

Mom and Diane just dropped me off.

Um, I've already kind of fulfilled the position

- of Meg's Cabana man. - Did you?

'Cause I don't see any cucumber water in my hand.

- Chop, chop. - Yay! I'll go get some.

[chuckles] Look, you don't have to tell me

to "chop, chop," because, uh...

I know how to cut cucumbers.

[exhales sharply]

[sighs] I got to work on my wink timing.

Okay. [chuckles]

Wait. Let me first explain how it works.

So, you're going to ... no.

You have to wait 5 minutes

before you eat the marshmallow to be able to ...

Oh, my god. You are terrible at this.

Am I? I just ate three marshmallows.

[sighs]

Beautiful! Way to go, Kate!

Look alive.

Pete: [sighs]

Nice try, sir.

Next time, you're gonna want to make contact with the ball.

Oh, am I? Am I, Don? Is that the game plan?

- Diane: That's them. - Jackie: Oh, my god.

- They're playing tennis with their therapist! - Quiet.

Look at her skirt. You can see her panties.

- [chuckles] Yeah. - Yeah.

Little lying liars, living it up.

A couple of sneaky sneaks, sneaking around.

[chuckling]

I am going to bust them.

Right to ya.

- [gasps] Aah! - Jackie and Diane.

Jackie: Right after I bust them.

Diane: Oh, if anyone's going to bust them, it's going to be me.

Can you ... hey, my thing. [car beeps]

Oh, uh, hide! Get down!

[scoffs] It's rayon-silk.

- Uh ... - Everything is... see-through!

The Dalai Lama wore something very similar.

You two are so busted.

- Ooh, cute skort, girl! - Kate: Thanks.

I mean... You are super-busted!

How did you guys even find us?

When he was married to me,

he used to talk endlessly about taking up tennis

and growing a ponytail like Agassi.

[as Diane] And when he was married to me, he used to talk...

[normal voice] ...about taking up tennis and shaving his head like Agassi.

That's why you've always wanted to get an earring.

He is so cool.

I can't believe you lied to us. I was happy for you!

I didn't plan to lie.

I-I-I didn't know how else to avoid you accusing me

of avoiding confrontation. [chuckles]

Saying that... I hear now that I do have a problem.

Okay. If anything, his white lies weren't the greatest, all right?

But Pete does not have a problem with confrontation.

[scoffing] Oh, really?

Then why did he dump out your chili without ever telling you?

- Yeah. - What?!

You dumped out my chili?

It's a liberal use of the word "chili." [chuckles]

And you're keeping secrets about me with Diane?

- I hear what you're saying ... - No!

- I'm going home. - Kate ...

Don't chase me. You might hurt your knee!

Kate! Hang on!

But you're not mad at me, right? 'Cause I brought you muffins.

I-I brought you healing muffins!

Meg, wait! I have so many more things to ask you ...

- not on the couch. - I'm bored of talking.

I'm bored of you. Has anybody seen my cover-up thingy?

Oh. [scoffs] I don't know.

[chuckling] I-I didn't take it.

Ah, your water, madame... extra-large chunks.

Tevin. Ugh, ignore him.

Meg! I'm here in the window!

Fine.

[door opens]

Why do you keep following me?

You're so stupid, with your stupid hair.

- Wait, you don't like frosted tips? - Hear my words ... we're done.

Just think about what we have.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, buddy! I believe the lady said you're done.

- Your cuke water, Meg. - Who did these, Tamika?

Hey, if you're not into me, M.Y.O.B.

Oh, don't make me peel this banana.

- Ooh! - Hillary: Oh, my god!

My study was right! You are a textbook extended adolescent!

Who might perhaps want a glass of water.

Wait, you were studying me this whole time like some sort of lab rat?

[chuckles] Drink up. Come on. It's really refreshing.

You would be such a hot rat.

- Let's get out of here. - What?!

I'm bored of hanging out with these kids.

Uh ... I'm not a kid!

Okay, I get my learner's permit in 6 months.

Catch you later, handsome. [smooches]

Bye!

[sighs]

Would you please just get in the car?

I'm sorry! I shouldn't have dumped your chili.

I mean I-I should've, but I also should've told you about it.

Not good enough.

Uh, can you just get in so we can talk about it?

- Nope. - Come on! Get in the car!

Leave her alone, perv.

Oh. Uh, no, it's okay. That perv is my husband.

You just acknowledged me as your husband.

- Does that mean we're all made up? - Beat it, perv.

[off-key] love lifts us up where we belong

[sighs]

where the eagles cry on a mountain high [imitates drums]

Hey, Warren. [chuckles]

One sec, one sec.

we belong [click] What's up?

- What song was that? - I don't know.

Just found it in Dad's old tape box, and it really spoke to me.

[sighs]

Hey, I know that you're bummed about Meg.

Yeah, I was stupid. [sighs]

- No. - Guess I'm all boy-crazy.

- What? - It's when a boy gets

all obsessed with a girl, and he gets all crazy like a boy does?

[sighing] Yeah. I'm boy-crazy.

That's not what it means.

She is 15 years older than you.

- Well, it works for Dad and Kate. - True.

But I think that'll apply more when you're 25 and she's 40.

40? Ew.

- How much can I apologize about chili? - It's not about the chili, Pete!

I-I just want our marriage

to be better than your marriage to Jackie and Diane.

You understand that we weren't all married

at the same time, right? I-I really do want to change, Kate.

Okay, then do it! Tell me how bad my chili was.

It caused an immediate gag reflex.

- Ouch. - Mm.

- But I'm glad you said it. - No, no. Come on, now.

You're ma... you're mad, so get mad.

Fine! Fine. Never lie to me again.

It's patronizing, and it's insulting. And my chili was ...

Was it really that disgusting?

I fed it to a squirrel, and it promptly died.

Okay. Good! See? A little confrontation ...

we're still happy, still married.

For the record, I'm done making chili, though.

It is such a waste of mayonnaise.

Oh, god. That's what it was. Gah.

I'll race you home.

[panting]

Okay. Wait. Who am I kidding?

[sighs] I can't run. Let's just get a burger.

Do you think that it's possible that Peter is actually growing up?

Ooh, maybe. I ... yeah, come on. Don't chintz, Diane.

Okay, okay.

You think, uh ... you think we need to start giving him

a little more credit?

Nah. It's more fun giving him no credit.

[both chuckle]

Mm.

You know, they looked like they were having a lot of fun out there,

aside from when we ran onto the court and... shamed them.

[chuckling] Ooh! Busted!

[both laugh]

That was so much fun!

- Oh, you know what? - Hmm?

You know what? Maybe you and me should play sometime.

"You and I."

Oh, yeah. Great idea. Doubles ... less running.

- Let's do it. - Mm.

- I have to warn you, Jackie. - Mm.

I have a forehand like Seles.

Ooh. Well, I got to warn you, Diane,

that I have a temper like McEnroe.

- No, really. - Oh.

Why do you think I see so many shrinks in this town?

[chuckles]

- I'm, like, super-messed up, Diane. - Ohh.

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