Original subtitles

[grunts]

Whoa! Whoa! What are you doing?!

- Getting rid of your stuff. - Can we at least talk about this?

We've talked about it enough, all right?

All this crap is going to goodwill.

Right! Whew! [chuckles]

Whew!

When you've been divorced as many times as I have,

your head goes to a different place

when you see your clothes thrown all over the lawn.

I have to get rid of my... my turkey trot T-shirt,

and you get to keep that one?

This shirt makes sense. I'm Canadian.

You had your intern run the turkey trot,

- and then you took her T-shirt. - Look at me!

- I'm trimming while I tone! - This is apocalyptic!

- Are you sick? - No.

But you are for thinking that you can clean out a garage

and not inhale particulated rodent excrement.

- Can I have one of those? - I only brought enough for the children.

So, just a little heads-up that sad Steve

is gonna be spending the night again tonight,

so if he's a little late for work ... wink, wink ... traffic.

Uh, our son is four feet away from us.

Oh, he doesn't know about Steve, that I'm dating him, okay?

So, be cool.

"Uncle Buck"? Yes, please.

Whoa. Pete's old wedding videos.

[gasps]

I-if you really like Steve, you should tell Bert.

If he's mature enough to day-trade, he's mature enough

- to know you're dating. - Diane: That is absurd.

Even in this day and age of secular hedonism,

there are some relationships that are private and sacred.

Oh. What I meant to say was, "I don't care."

Bert: Aah! How do you make your legs stop?!

1x16 - "The Wedding", part 1

- Why do you guys still have a VCR? - Because technology's cyclical.

Think about fire. People are using it again.

Diane: My dearest Peter, my whole life has been devoted to perfection.

From graduating first in my class

to becoming a world-class surgeon...

Whoa! Look at all those ribbons.

Everyone at their wedding had aids.

...nothing was going to distract me

until that nothing became you.

With your twinkling eyes and your childish grin...

[chuckles]

...I am so grateful I found you,

my perfect imperfection.

- Even her kindness sounds mean. - Huh.

Man: You may now kiss the bride.

Oh, nope, nope, nope. Nope, nope!

- Oh, god! Is it gone? Is it gone? - Yeah, it's gone. It's gone.

The bride and groom have once again asked

that you not go to the bar to watch the O.J. Simpson coverage.

He's still driving with al cowlings. We don't know where they're going.

Oh, man. They were doomed from the get-go.

Oooh, baby, I love your way

every day

Oh. I always thought Pete married Diane

'cause he was too afraid to break up with her.

They kind of look... happy.

[sniffles]

[voice breaking] They're perfect together.

[exhales sharply]

Mm, it's like a fairytale.

[sniffles]

[banging] They are really going at each other.

- I love watching them bang. - Thank god for BBC on demand.

You can finally watch classic parliamentary debate

whenever we want to.

It's 10 quid a month, but it's worth every shilling.

You know, Russ, maybe it's time we stop sneaking around

and we're open about our relationship.

[chuckles]

I've been waiting two years to hear you say that.

[exhales deeply]

- I'm euphoric. - Me too.

May our spirits align as perfectly as our genitals.

- Ew. - And I'm off sex for good.

I love that I-I never know what you're gonna do next.

That guy cannot make a bad hair decision...

...and that's inspired me to try this.

[gasps] What?

Close your eyes, give me your hand

Oh, my god. This guy knows how to get married.

God, Kate, your wedding must have been amazing.

Oh, actually, we decided not to have a wedding.

Just less hassle, you know? So we just eloped.

You know, it was a small ceremony.

it was, uh [clears throat]... it was sweet. It was sweet.

This the, uh, the window in the hallway

at the courthouse where they got married.

- There it is. - We had huge sandwiches afterwards,

and I successfully contested a speeding ticket.

[stammers] W-where's the romance?

We made out in the parking lot.

I mean, we were gonna go all the way,

but we were just so full from the sandwiches, so... we didn't.

is this burning an eternal fla-a-a-a-a-me?

I can't. I can't.

I'm so sorry that I have to kick you out

so soon after our full-volume sextacular.

- Buwah. - Oh, it's okay.

Oh, um, hey, you're gonna want to carbo-load,

especially after what I did to you this afternoon.

[both laugh, door opens]

Hey, Mom. Guess what I learned in Hebrew school.

Lorenzo Greenbaum taught me how to swear in Italian.

- Wow! - Who's this man in our house?

Oh, this [exhales sharply] ...

[chuckling] this guy is the bagel delivery guy.

Here you go, madam.

- One single bagel. - Ah.

No bag, no napkin, per your request.

- What's in an everything bagel? - Well, uh...

Okay, well, I think it's time to get to your next bagel delivery.

Uh-huh. Yeah. Well, keep me in mind for your next event.

- Word of mouth is our bread and butter. - Okay.

[both chuckle] What's happening?

Isn't he fantastic?

- Pete: Kate? Kate. - Yeah?

Where you been?

- I was over at Meg's. - Well, you missed a lot.

I got in this big argument with the goodwill guy.

Can you believe that they would not take this?

You know what? I'm lying.

[chuckling] I love this thing.

I want to keep it. I think it's clever.

If you don't like it, we... we can get rid of it.

No, no. No, I don't care about it.

I mean, I hate it. I always feel like there's

a skier in our closet, but ... [chuckles lightly]

Did you like our wedding?

Yeah, of course.

Remember, I got that great parking space?

Then we had those big sandwiches at that place that burned down.

I just watched your old wedding videos and, uh,

they were terrible and beautiful and you waltzed

and you played the bongos, and O.J. [chuckles]

I'm so sorry you saw that... especially me in a goatee.

But, honestly...

I would trade both of those days for one normal day with you.

Yeah, I-I... I love our normal days.

But if I could go back...

I wouldn't mind a real wedding.

Ugh, I'm being such a girl. I'll see you inside.

Kate... will you marry me?

Again... in front of people?

[exhales sharply]

[chuckles]

Yes. [chuckling] Yes.

- Ooh, whoa, help me up. - Oh. [grunts]

- You okay? - I think I pulled a hammy.

Who would spend $200 on a dress they're only gonna wear once?

Oh [bleep] me. That's just the shipping.

- Well, it is only ... - [singing] Bah-bah-bah, hey.

Come here, come here. I want to show you something.

This is what I want our wedding to feel like.

you make me happy each time I see you

You want the Muppets at our wedding?

No, of course not. I just ... I love the song and the spirit.

- Yeah. [chuckles] - I'm so glad we're doing this.

I didn't have much say in my first two weddings ...

or any say. Diane wouldn't even let me talk that day.

Now I want to incorporate some of my ideas.

I wanna honor my Scottish heritage.

- Yeah. - Diane: Hi, we're here.

- Hi! - Pete: Oh, you're here!

Hi!

- Hey. - Pete: Hey, Bert!

Uh, Kate, a word, please.

Since you are the only one

who knows about Russ Bradley you-know-who,

I wanted to let you know that we've decided to go public.

- That's great! - Please don't interrupt me mid-thought.

First, we're going public to the public,

then to friends, then to family.

And since you fall in some nebulous gray area [chuckles]

I wanted to tell you first.

Well, thank you, Diane. That means a lot.

It wasn't intended to.

Congratulations on your redundant wedding.

Family meeting, everybody! Sit! Sit! Sit!

Uh, Warren, Bert, I have a very important question.

- Will you be my best men? - This is the happiest day of my life!

- Pete: All right! - Warren: Bring it in, best friends!

Meg, Hillary... will you be my maids of honor?

Since I'm your best friend, maybe it'd be best

if I just took the lead on this.

But since I have never declared bankruptcy,

it might make more sense for me to run point.

Or you guys can work together as a team.

[chuckles]

Looks like someone just won the Hunger Games.

Ha-ha. You and your fiction.

Are you sure you're gonna be comfortable shooting in that sweater vest?

- Mmm. - Mmm.

Now, when you texted me to meet you in the park

for target practice, I thought you were being randy.

Oh.

Now my homemade cranberry scones seem out of place.

Well, I just thought

that since we're not sneaking around anymore,

that this was the perfect spot for our first date.

- Mm-hmm. - This is where I come to let my hair down.

Well, you know what? I-I'd offer to join you,

but my soft cheeses should be consumed within the hour.

[chuckling] Right, okay.

Well, let's see what we can salvage of the rest of this date,

and maybe next weekend, we can do something that we both enjoy.

Like the opera.

[gasps] I can't think of a better way to spend six hours.

I'll get us the best seats in the house.

- Fourth row. Orchestra. - Upper loge.

I had just assumed you'd agree

that orchestra seats put you right in the action.

And I just assumed that you would prefer the upper loge.

I-it's like watching the play as god.

Uh, sorry. Meeting went long. How's our little project going?

Oh, not to toot my own bagpipes, but... I'd say fantastic.

[Scottish accent] Me lads in kilts on my wedding day.

It's every Scottish father's dream!

[grunts]

Bagel boy? What are you doing here?

I... am, um... just making another delivery.

Why's a bagel guy delivering a hole puncher?

Nice kilts!

[chuckles lightly] What's the occasion?

Oh, my Dad's getting married again.

Boy, I am so sorry things didn't work out with Kate.

I mean, I got to admit, I can't say it was a total surprise ...

[normal voice] Kate and I are renewing our vows.

Congratulations! That's a great, great job

to lock that up again... on your... part.

- Oh, fun. - I am never wearing pants again.

Oh, I think it's so romantic

you're officially changing your name before the wedding.

Oh, well, I wanted to surprise your dad by becoming a real Harrison.

Just when I thought you couldn't get any more white...

Um, Meg, excuse me. The adults are talking.

So, Kate, I've booked our bridal shower for high tea at the

montage laguna. Finger sandwiches while overlooking the ocean.

Ooh, Meg, have you done anything with the bridal shower?

Yes, I have, dorkatron. I see your high tea and raise you...

this bag of novelty penises.

[vibrating] Oh.

Man: Katherine... Walrus?

Yeah. Yep, yep. Coming.

- Hi. - Ms. Walrus.

- "Valroos." - Oh.

We received your request, and we can't grant you a name change

from your... zoo-animal name to a normal name.

According to our records, you're in the country illegally.

[chuckling] What? That's crazy. No, no.

I-I filed for permanent residency when I got married a year ago.

Oh, congratulations.

An I.N.S. interview will be scheduled for you immediately.

You'll need to prove the legitimacy of your marriage

to stay in the country.

If you fail the interview, you'll be deported.

Deported? But I haven't even done anything wrong.

I googled Steve's business, and bagel boy is not a delivery service.

He's a deejay for bar mitzvahs.

We're eating stolen bagels from bar mitzvahs!

You know, I got to tell you something.

Steve ... he's not a bagel delivery guy.

I just didn't know how to tell you that Steve and I are ...

- We're dating. - Dating?! [cursing in Italian]

- Oh! - Bert down.

[cellphone ringing]

[cellphone clicks] [sighs]

Hi, Diane. Whatever it is, I'm sorry I did it wrong.

He hasn't called.

- Who? - Russ Bradley.

Because I sprung archery on us as if it was as common as fencing.

I'm just a little bit worried that maybe we're

not the perfect match that I thought we were.

Why? Because you had one awkward date?

I'm proud of you for putting yourself out there.

That's a big deal.

Kate, I don't even really care about Russ.

I mean, the only reason I was telling you

is because I know how obsessed you are with gossip.

So, you know what? Just ... get back to your "TMZ."

Wha...?

What's with the last-minute redecorating?

It's for the I.N.S. interview.

I'm trying to make it look like we're married.

They're gonna grill us like it's the newlywed game,

and the consolation prize is Canada.

Is that why you're dressed like a counselor at a fat camp?

This is a regular guy who does not have two ex-wives

and a hot, young wife that he bought on the internet.

Yep, right. Trick the government with costumes.

And the results are in. [exhales deeply]

Let's see what our family tartan is.

[computer beeps]

It says we're Flemish. Where in Scotland is Flem?

[scoffs] Belgium, braveheart.

We're from Belgium?!

Well, how are you going to tell Dad?

I mean, I don't know. It'll crush him.

The men get married in pants there!

Hey, guys. How's it going?

Still Scottish. Nothing's changed there.

Hillary: [chuckling] Yeah.

[doorbell rings]

Okay, that's the I.N.S. They're probably not gonna ask you anything,

but if they do, just say over and over again,

"I can't recall, can't recall, can't recall."

[Scottish accent] Oh, and, father... remember...

they may take your life, but they can never take your freedom!

I want you to wash your face and go sit quietly in the garage.

Hi. I'm agent Dawn Johansen from I.N.S.

- Are you Peter Harrison? - Yes, I am. Please come in.

Is your wife available? Uh...

How do! So sorry to keep you waiting.

I was just doing a little laundry. Ugh. Come on in.

Let's just hope the big game's not on, or this

one's gonna disappear in the man cave all day. Ugh.

Sometimes it just feels like we've been married forever.

[chuckles]

Oh.

Bigger, Kate. She's not buying it.

Remember, if you don't know the answer to a question,

please just simply say, "I don't know."

How long have you been living with the alien?

I've been living with my wife for over a year.

[robotic voice] One Earth year.

[laughs]

Talking just to talk. [clears throat]

What side of the bed do you sleep on?

- Left. - Left.

- W-we spoon. A lot. - Love that.

Mm-hmm.

What is the amount of your husband's weekly paycheck?

$800.

[grunts] $800,000.

[sighs] If you don't know the answer, please just say, "I don't know."

I don't know.

Sir, is your microwave stationary or does it have a revolving plate?

- I don't know. - Ha! All tied up. [chuckles]

[doorbell rings]

Ugh. You again.

Oh, Bert, I w... I wasn't expecting you to open the door.

I'm allowed to open the door until 6:00.

- You look well. - Thank you.

As you can see, we have a bowl of butterscotches by

the door for the guests, but I am not giving you one.

You know, for a long time, people called me "Sad Steve."

But ever since I met your mom,

I've been so happy, now people call me "Steve."

Just "Steve."

I'm sorry your life has been so sad.

Maybe you should get a fish. Goodbye!

- Ma'am, where is your bathroom? - Oh, I know this one.

There's one down the hall and one through the bedroom.

Boom! Write it down.

I need to use the bathroom. That wasn't an official question.

I still nailed it.

[both laugh]

Oh, my god!

Pete, we are so failing this test, and it's all my fault.

Why did I even want a stupid wedding?

Now I'm gonna get deported back to Canada,

you're gonna go to prison, we're never gonna have a wedding video,

and your fourth wife is never even gonna know that I existed.

Steve: I didn't ask him about himself, I didn't compliment him.

Then he gave me butterscotches, and I blew it.

You know what might help you feel better?

- Complimenting my braid. - Is that your car?

- Oh, what do I say? - Well, you might say something like,

"wow, Jackie, I haven't seen a braid" ...

Oh, about Bert. Um, say whatever.

- Can I get in? - Uh, yeah. Yeah, sure.

- What does this do? - Uh...

Uh, that puts the top up. You want to push it?

Sure. All right, go ahead.

Oh, awesome!

- Steve: Right? - Jackie: Yeah! Like my braid.

- What does this do? - Oh, that is a, uh, cup holder.

What, you never been in a car before?

[chuckles]

Too ... too soon?

[clears throat] You'll be hearing from us shortly.

- [sighs] We failed, didn't we? - Don't mind me.

I just realized that Peter and I never separated our nova DVDs

after the divorce, so I'd like to do it now.

Okay, Diane, now is not a good time.

Wait. Is everything okay? Are you chewing gum?

No. [smacks lips] I'm not chewing gum.

[swallows] I had a great day.

Uh, I just wanted to know if anybody wanted to get some pizza

or maybe share some ice cream.

- I'm sorry. Who's this? - That's my ex-wife.

Jackie: Guess what, people?

The bagel boy's not just "the bagel boy" anymore,

So we brought some bagels to celebrate, y'all.

We're officially a threesome!

- And this is...? - Pete: That's my other ex-wife.

You know, these two do not need green cards.

They're both American.

Technically, I was born on a reservation.

And I'm from China!

Bert, why don't you go see Warren in the garage.

I'm afraid of the garage.

Dad, our whole lives have been a lie.

[chuckles] Hi. Uh, what are you talking about?

We're Belgian, Dad. Belgian.

We need to eighty-six the kilts.

- Pete: Uh... - Hillary, I called the hotel.

They won't let us play "Pin the junk on the hunk,"

so I think you should do the right thing

and resign from your position as co-maid of honor.

Sir, exactly how many women are living here?

How many females live here? Two.

[all talking] Kate, did you hear that?

What is more important right now? Are we Scottish or not?!

- It's not a crime. - Hey! Look! Stop!

- Hillary, you love to boss people around. - Oh, I do.

You're gonna take care of the logistics of the wedding.

- Meg, you hate responsibility. - I do.

You take care of debauchery.

Together, you make one perfect maid of honor. Boom.

Warren, our blood may be Belgian,

but our legs belong in the Scottish islands.

We are gonna rock those kilts, baby.

Yes! I'm gonna go take my pants off.

And, Diane, don't wait for your... patient to call you.

Call him, because you are Dr. Diane Buckley.

Yeah. Team Diane! What are we talking about?

Thank you. [clears throat] That's very good advice, Kate.

- Uh, excuse me, everyone. - Well, I've seen enough.

This is clearly not a marriage of convenience...

...because nothing about it is convenient.

Ma'am, I congratulate you and your husband.

You're not gonna get deported!

[singsong voice] We're gonna have a wedding!

Whoo! We're gonna have a wedding!

- Gonna have a wedding! - Gonna have a wedding!

- Psst! Psst! Psst! - We're gonna have a we...

- Kate. - Shh-shh.

Um, hi [clears throat] Russ. It's Diane.

Oh, you hadn't called for a little while, so I was just ...

Oh, I see.

He's ordered us two tickets for the opera

- on the mezzanine level. - Be cool.

Um... that would be a lovely... compromise. Okay.

You know, for an immigrant, you give very good advice.

- Thank you. - Everyone, I am officially dating...

Russ Bradley Morrison.

You're dating Brady Ross' dad?

[laughing] Awesome! I finally have my in!

- Diane: Yeah, come see! - He can't wait to meet you guys.

Jackie: Everybody, have a bagel!

I'm so excited for you to meet my Mom.

I mean, she is crazy, like I said, but fun,

- but ... but cuckoo. - It's gonna be great.

[gasps]

Katie! That's her!

Mom, what did you do?

Oh, nothing. I mean, I just barely groped him.

I just kind of gave him a butt pinch

when he gave me another bottle of vodka.

You know, I've said it before and I'll say it again ...

they never should've let men become stewardesses.

It is just too much temptation.

Oh, my god. Look at you. I just want to eat you up!

But first, I kind of need you to pay my bail.

It is so nice to meet you! I'm Cricket!

Mmm-mwah!

Jimmy, come on!

What just happened?

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