Original subtitles

Ba, ba... - "Louiep" is not a word. - No, Louie P.

In honor of the restaurant Louis's Place.

Aww. That's where we had our first date.

You know what? It's silly. I'll just ... I'll take it off.

No! No, keep it. It's sweet. I like it.

Okay, uh, "P" is double-letter score, plus a triple-letter word is 42.

[door opens] What just happened?

[screaming]

- Quiet. - Oh, lighten up.

He just really likes bedtime.

[screaming continues ] No, no, no, no, no.

- "Quiet" for 37 points, and he dumps the toxic "Q." - Mm.

[screaming continues] All right.

Hey, buddy. You all right?

I read my book ... my 100th book!

And you and Mom said

if I read a hundred books in [pants] a year,

I could have any kind of birthday party I wanted.

That doesn't sound like something I'd do.

You even drew up a contract.

Oh, that sounds like something you would do.

"If Bert reads a 100 books in a year, he can have any birthday he wants."

That's airtight.

I could have been outside, playing and running.

But instead I was inside, reading and eating.

And it was all worth it!

[giggling]

1x15 - Happy Bert Day

Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org

Okay, guys, we're halfway through the season.

We have not won a game.

We do lead the league in goals.

All: Yay!

All of which we have scored on ourselves.

I'm gonna talk to you like adults ...

there's no way we're gonna beat the Camels today,

but I have a plan. If we don't touch the ball,

we have a chance of tieing the Camels.

All: Yay!

Know what I'm saying? So, let's bring it in! Bring it in.

[all buzzing]

[laughter]

Warm it up, warm it up! Stretch it out, stretch it out!

[indistinct conversation] [whistle blows]

- Exactly. - Yeah. - Hey.

- Oh. - Great game, huh?

- Oh, yeah. It's great. - Oh, the greatest.

- It's unbelievable. - Sure. Nice. - Pretty good.

- It should make the highlight reel. - Right.

Can't believe it's already halfway through the season.

- Ah! It's unbelievable. - What?

- Yeah. Time flies. - Oh, I'll just, uh...

Yeah.

Oh. Donnie has the ball.

- Oh! He does! - Oh, my god.

- He's doing so great. - He's doing very well.

- He's going to camp, honestly. - So good. It's so good.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Nice chatting with you.

- Oh, bye. - Bye. Bye. Bye.

- Good to see you. - Ta-ta.

[indistinct conversation]

Those other moms keep icing me out.

I tried to sit on their stupid blanket, and they purse-checked me.

Well, what do you need them for? You got me.

Well, I just get bored sometimes when you're at work

and the kids are at school.

You know, it would be nice to have some mom friends

to hang out with.

Hey, Joey! Hands out of your butt!

I wish I could just break the ice and show them how fun I am, you know?

They would totally want to be my friend.

- Great hustle, Bertie! - Aah. God.

- Tell him I was here the whole time. - Uh, where you been?

Uh, I've been dealing with Bert's party. I'm so stressed-out

I accidentally brushed my teeth with vaseline this morning.

Now I can't hold a smile for more than a second.

You know, Jackie, I'd ...

I'd be happy to take over the planning for Bert's birthday.

- Wow! Really? - Yeah.

- Really? - H-how does he do it, Bert?!

I've been here! Seriously?

- Yeah, yeah. I'd ... I'd be really happy to do it. - What?

No. That would be such a load off. [chuckles]

Oh!

Hey, is that Superman, or is that my son, Bert Harrison?

I think it's my son. It's my son.

Okay, so, what's the plan for your party?

So, I was thinking chocolate and vanilla ice cream.

- Okay. And...? - Napkins?

You read a hundred books, man! You can do anything, all right?

You deserve a party so impressive that people are gonna think,

"wow, how did his stepmom pull it off?"

[chuckles] And you're gonna be like, "I don't know. She's just amazing."

And so your party.

You're right, so let's get strawberry ice cream, too.

But then we should just get Neapolitan.

Okay, think big. You need a theme.

- What was your favorite book? - "Little women."

Favorite movie?

- "Aladdin." - Boom ... there it is.

There's your theme, all right?

Cave of wonders, pillows and rugs, genie lamps, a horse.

A horse and ice cream? [sighing] Oh, my god.

Okay, let's talk guest list.

Obviously, you want your soccer team here and their moms.

[chuckles] Who else? Anyone?

Anyone?

- A hundred books. - Chris Harrison.

Your dad's cousin with the little arm?

- No, the host of "the Bachelor." - Why him?

- I want him to bring my mom a rose. - Aww.

- Happy birthday, Bert. - Welcome. Hummus?

Hells yeah!

Out! Out! Sticky, messy children outside.

Pete, Pete, it's a party. We'll clean up after.

Or you could just not serve dip to 8-year-olds.

What's this? Kebobs?

Really, Kate. You might as well just hand them swords.

You know, you didn't have to come, Diane.

[chuckles] Oh, I wouldn't miss Bert's birthday.

I'd do anything for that little boy.

Great. You know what? You can put the cake out on the table.

I don't recall two naked men oiled up

and wrestling with a unicorn in "Aladdin."

What? I... it's ...

No. Oh, my god. Who would want this?

I mean, what kind of occasion would this be for?

- Cool, that dude's got a nipple ring. - Oh, for god's sakes.

God, I don't have time to take this back to the bakery.

Okay, I will take it to the bakery. This is entirely inappropriate.

- Thank you. - Move your girth. Yes.

Meat lollipop! Hey, Jeremy, catch!

No! Out. Out!

- Pete. - Great. My new shirt.

Hey, Pete. Pete!

Maybe ... maybe you should just go with Diane, okay?

- Just take a break. - No. No, no, no.

I'm afraid that you might have a heart attack.

You know what? Maybe you're right.

- Protect our home. - Will do.

Oh, hi, ladies.

- Oh... - Hi, I'm so glad you could make it.

- Hi. How are you? - Great to see you. - Wow! You!

- Yeah, yeah, what a lovely home. - Lovely home. Mm.

Yeah. Thank you.

- And what a lovely yard. - Lovely yard.

- Yeah. - Thank you.

Wow, is that a fire-eater on stilts?

Ooh!

Yes! He's eating fire for me! I feel so blessed!

[gasps] Ah. So precious.

- Bless his heart. - Oh! That's adorable.

Well, why don't you ladies head outside,

- and I'll catch up in a bit. - Great. Sure.

- Great. - Yeah. - Bye-bye.

Oh, yeah. That sounds fun.

What a bunch of bee-yotches, huh?

Actually, oh, I think we're finally becoming friends.

I mean, we just had our first real conversation.

They asked me questions and everything.

Big whup. The I.R.S. asks me tons of questions.

Doesn't mean we're friends.

Trust me, those girls are nasty, and not the good nasty.

You checking out those sweet kicks?

[chuckles] No. The boy wearing them.

Why don't you go over there and talk to him ...

you know, seal the deal.

[chuckles] Whatever that means.

[scoffs] No way. I mean, I'm too nervous.

He seems really cool. He's wearing a necklace.

Let me talk to him for you, check him out,

make sure he's good enough for my little sis.

Okay. But don't embarrass me.

Roger that.

[imitates static] Detective Warren is on the case.

Over. [imitates static]

Here, clues. Here, little clues.

- Whoa! Whoa! - [grunts] Ohh!

- Oh! - Oh, no, guys. I'm okay.

- Ohh. I broke my back! - It's all right. Really, really.

[groans] This is gonna take forever.

Well, they've already wasted enough of my time.

Uh, there's a line. You think that rules don't apply to you.

Yes, that's what I told you on our first date.

Excuse me.

[sighs] Uh, there is a line, lady.

- It's "doctor." - I apologize.

- She's normally exactly like this. - Excuse me, you.

Do you think that this cake was meant

for an 8-year-old's birthday?

- Can I ask w-what was it meant for? - Oh, I can't tell you.

No, we take the confidentiality of our customers very seriously.

That's what we're known for.

Good, because I thought you were known

for giving porno cakes to children.

Would you just give us the correct cake, please?

Hello, everyone. It's me, Bert.

We can't hear you!

Kate, my mike isn't working.

Okay, I'm on it. Just... vamp.

[chuckles]

[as Count Dracula] Velcome! I vant to suck your blood!

I'm turning eight!

Carol: Seriously, Kate? A magic carpet.

- [sighs] So tacky. - So tacky! - Yeah.

Oh, god. And the fire-eater's so over the top.

So over the top.

[scoffs] What do you expect from a party

- planned by a former stripper? - What?!

Ah! What? No ... [scoffs]

- Jackie. - I'm right there with you.

No one's touching the strawberry. As usual, Neapolitan's a joke.

No, the soccer moms think I used to be a stripper ...

- A stripper! - Well, you know, legs for days...

[sniffs] ...smell like vanilla,

you always have singles for the vending machine ...

- I could see it. - Jackie, I can't believe

they've been shutting me out because of some stupid rumor.

I mean, what is this? High school?

I wouldn't know ... homeschooled.

Okay, well, I'm just gonna go set the record straight.

Oh, oh! No! You can't do that now.

It'll make a scene.

I don't care. They can't keep thinking this about me.

How about this? How about this?

Uh, I'll talk to the moms for you,

and you stay hostess with the mostest.

I'll dispel that "dirty little hooker" rumor, huh?

S-stripper. A stripper.

Oh, I thought all strippers hooked.

[horn honking]

Come on! Go!

[sighs] America has lost its hustle.

- I told you we should have taken Sunset. - Well, I would rather take

the long way and be moving than take the short way and be stuck.

Which is why we drove through the running of the bulls in Spain.

Insurance did not cover horn holes.

Oh, come on. That ride made a man out of you.

Enough of this. I'm turning.

Diane. Diane! Just wait for the light!

No! Aah! [tires screech, horns honking]

Aah! Oh! [breathing heavily]

And congratulations. You have broken the law.

Oh, Peter, always the drama queen. I was just being efficient.

[siren wails] Oh! I hope that intersection had a camera.

I want that picture on a mug. [chuckles]

Bonjour, amigo. [sighs] Warren Harrison, brother of the host.

Salutations, friend. Graham Lipschitz, dancer.

So, uh, what does your girlfriend think about all your dancing.

She doesn't care. 'Cause she doesn't exist. [chuckles]

Between dancing and surfing, I don't have time for a girlfriend.

You're a dancer and a surfer?

Surfing's just dancing with the ocean.

And dancing's just like surfing with the floor.

Yes! See, you get it! [chuckles]

My surf buddies don't understand my dancing,

and my dance buddies don't get my surfing.

It's like I'm caught between two worlds.

Pbht! [chuckling] Welcome to planet Warren.

Hey, couldn't help but notice your sick necklace.

So, uh, is that one of those ones with a little door?

- Yeah. A locket. - Yeah. Ah.

Check this out ...

this half has a photo of my Mom,

and the other half has a photo of my Dad.

What?! That's so crazy!

[chuckling] I mean, that's so much easier

than carrying these around.

Sweet pics. [chuckles]

How about me and you hang out sometime?

You know, you can teach me how to surf,

and I'll teach you the difference between a turtle and a tortoise.

The answer may surprise you.

Jackie. Where have you been?

Turns out olives and chocolate ... not a magical combination.

Yeah, uh-huh. How did it go with the moms?

[gags]

- Chewing. - Waiting.

Jackie, what happened with the moms?

Oh. Oh, the moms, yeah.

I told them it was all a bunch of hooey, just a rumor.

Yeah, okay, but who started the rumor?

Does it matter?

I mean, are you gonna feel any better being mad at Fern?

[gasps] It was Fern?

Of course it's Fern, okay? But who cares, right?

I'm gonna share with you a little wisdom

from my hot-air-balloon instructor ...

- "Rise above it." - Right.

Ugh! You have to taste this. It's horrible.

The news is not good.

Unfortunately, I don't think he's right for you.

Really? What's wrong with him?

He's crazy. He thinks he can dance with the ocean!

It's like, "Earth to Graham.

"You can't. Only mother nature can."

- See that necklace of his? - Yeah. [chuckles]

- I'm pretty sure it's a blood diamond. - A blood diamond?

Yeah, and not the good kind. He's bad news.

I can't believe he's wasting his time

pulling me over when he should be putting away criminals.

That's you, Diane ... you're the criminal.

- Hi. - Ma'am.

Officer, oh, my god. Thank god you're here.

This man is having a heart attack.

And I am Dr. Diane Buckley.

I'm taking him to the hospital immediately.

- What are you ... - [stammering] Ow!

You are in a car. You're going to be okay.

He does look pretty ashen.

- He is. - No, I'm not!

- Uh, I'm not ... ow! - Stay alert!

Yes, time is of the essence, officer.

Calm down, sir. We're trying to help you.

St. Miranda's is less than a mile away.

- I'll escort you. - Oh! Thank you.

This is the best birthday ever!

Sweetie, not so loud in the horsie's ear.

[trumpet blares]

[children cheering] Happy Bert day!

A very happy Bert day to you all!

His name is Cinnamon.

Kate.

Warren says Graham wears blood diamonds and is bad news.

And if that's true, then why is he wearing Graham's vest?

Look at her just sitting there, eating figs.

Okay, so we're not talking about my issue. [chuckles]

Not when there are women out there telling people that I'm a stripper.

Wait ... what? That makes no sense.

You have no rhythm.

Yeah, exactly. Even my heartbeat is irregular.

Oh!

I'm sorry. Did you have to go to the bathroom?

- No. I need the truth. - Oh, ooh.

Yeah, I-I didn't ... I didn't bring a gift.

No, I'm talking about why you told everyone that I was a stripper.

What? [knock on door]

It's occupied ... number two!

- I really have to go pee, okay? - Really?

So if you can just let me go to the bathroom...

Fern, I know you started the lie about me being a stripper.

Just admit it.

Oh, I-I didn't start that rumor. I just heard it.

Really? Then who told you that I was a stripper?

- Look, I don't think you want to know. - Oh, yeah? Really?

- Oh, god. - Mm-hmm.

- Please! - Mm-hmm.

- Don't worry. - Oh, please.

I have plastic bags so you can take your pants home.

Jackie! [water stops]

- Jackie said that you were a stripper. - What?!

Yeah, yeah, it was months ago ...

that day that you wore those tiny, little short shorts

- to soccer practice. - Yeah, but all shorts look short on me.

Jackie: Oh, hey Fern!

Are ... are you saying something that you shouldn't have?

Giddap! Giddap! [Cinnamon grunting]

- Oh. Giddap. Go, go. - Jackie, where are you going?

Ooh. You're fat, and no one likes you, Cinnamon.

- How could you do that to me? - Forget it. Two, one, and you're under.

What? Jackie, get off.

- [Cinnamon snorts] Well? - Sorry.

I just really wanted a spot on their sweet, sweet blanket,

and I was so tired of drinking wine alone

at Bert's soccer games, so I just told

this eensy-weensy wittle wie about you ...

I don't know ... flashing your yoo-yoos for money.

I was desperate... but adorable.

- Do you forgive me? - No, Jackie.

You lied about me so you could make friends.

Well, you threw this party so that you could make friends.

I threw a party for a boy who read a hundred books.

You told people that I gyrated naked on men's laps for money.

Oh, I guess we're both to blame.

No. Nope. Pretty much just you.

And you know what? You are desperate.

Not in an adorable way ... in a sad way.

Now look what you've done.

[scoffing] I can't believe you lied to a cop.

Believe it. I saved the day, didn't I?

You know what? Uh, check your shoes before you go in.

There's horse poop all over the place.

Do I seem like the type of woman who would step in horse excrement?

Diane, my house, my rules, okay?

Please, Peter, you're always ... aah!

[laughs]

God has spoken through my screen door!

No one is aboveth the rules.

- Hang on, hang on. Don't move, don't move. - Aah! It's falling!

- Finally. [giggles] A re... - Ohh.

A reason to join instagram.

Oh, my ... ohh. [camera shutter clicks]

[laughs] Oh, my god.

- All right! - Guys, the cake's here!

It tastes like vanilla and wool!

- All: Yeah! - Oh, my god!

[children screaming]

Okay, guys! No sticky children in the house!

- Hey, stay outside. Hey! Hey! - Don't worry about the mess.

Kate. Come join us.

- Woman: Yeah, come over. - Yeah. Sit, sit, sit.

We haven't seen you at all.

- Oh, okay. - Yeah. Mm.

Please, please.

- Oh, I'm sorry. - Kate: Oh.

- [giggles] Let me move that. - Thank you.

So, Fern told us that you're not a stripper.

And I would like to say, on behalf of all of us...

- Mm. - Mm-hmm.

- ...we are so sorry. - So sorry.

We never gave you a chance.

[sighs] It's okay. Everyone makes mistakes.

You know, once I gave a guy my social security number

- instead of my phone number. - [laughs] Oh, my word.

- Uh-oh. - You know what?

Why don't you sit with us at soccer practice on Wednesday?

- Ooh, yes! - We drink wine.

Oh, I drink wine... like crazy.

[laughter]

I wish for more chocolate.

[gasps] It's working!

Wow.

Warren. Hey, funny story ...

I just talked to Graham, and his necklace, yeah,

it isn't a blood diamond. It's a locket with his parents in it!

But you can still sense that he's dangerous, right?

I can't believe that you tried to keep me away from him.

Okay, I'm sorry, it's just that...

[sighs] Look, Graham and I are becoming such good friends,

and ... and you know I don't meet a lot of people that I like.

You like everyone.

What I mean is I don't meet a lot of people that like me.

Graham and I have so much in common.

You know, he's a surfer and a dancer,

and I think it's so sick that he surfs and dances!

But why can't I go out with him and you be friends with him, too?

Um, because eventually you guys are gonna break up,

- and I'd have to choose sides. - Oh. I get it. [chuckles]

- And you would choose me. - Graham.

- Me. - Graham.

No, not you. I've said Graham twice now. Stop.

[laughter] I know. Oh!

- That is good. - That is good.

So, wait ... Fern tells us you have really soft hand towels.

- [sighs] I did. - What's the secret?

- I use 50 dryer balls. - Ohh, that must get so loud.

Oh, deafening. Everyone has to leave the house.

[laughter]

I can't believe Jackie's lies kept us apart this long.

- Ohh. - Hate it. - I know, right?

What's it like having her around all the time?

- Woman: Mm. - Fern: Mm, mm.

I mean, is she constantly stopping by trying to

push those citrus-blast fiber muffins on you?

- Mm. - Oof. - She gave me one of those once.

It broke my dog's jaw.

- [laughing] Oh, no. - It did. It did.

[laughing] Oh, my god.

Fern: I believe it. I believe it.

- Those things are like hard as a rock. - You know, they're not that bad.

I mean, our family's been scurvy-free, so [clicks tongue] that's a bonus.

Where does she shop?

- I mean, that woman dresses like a fortune teller. - Mm.

[laughter] Fern: That's hilarious.

I don't ... I don't know where she shops.

I think ... I think she makes her clothes mostly.

- Oh. - But, uh, anyway,

I'm on snack duty for the next game, so any requests?

I mean, I know she means well, but she just seems so desperate.

- That's true. So desperate! - Incredibly desperate.

- She just wants to have friends. - That's true.

- "Like me, like me, like me." - Oh, my god.

- "I'm gonna wear bold colors." - "I'm wearing silk."

- "I'm wacky Jackie." - "Do you want me to spin you a pot?"

Okay, okay, you know what? She's not desperate, all right?

Well, maybe just a little bit desperate,

but I'm the only one who's allowed to say that,

because she's my family. And I get why she lied about me.

I wanted to get in with you guys, too.

Although, now I have no idea why, because y'all are just the bad nasty.

So, I think it's time for you to leave. Yeah.

- What? - I'm flabbergasted.

What did we do to her?

Actually, your kids are having a really great time,

and Bert has something special coming up.

So if you don't mind,

just wait outside in front of the house, all right?

Until about 6:00 or 7:00.

No, no, no, no. You know what? Stay.

But don't enjoy the party! Yeah, don't enjoy it.

- Ohh. - Oh, my god.

- Ohh, I think I just broke my neck this time. - I'm okay. I'm okay.

[cheers and applause] Man: And now for the Bert day dancers!

[Flo Rida's "Good feeling" plays]

Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohh

sometimes I get a good feeling

yeah

get a feeling that I never, never

never, never had before

no, no, I get a good feeling, yeah

yes, I can

doubt that I leave, I'm running with this plan

- Man: Go, Bert! - pull me, grab me

crabs in the bucket, can't have me

I'll be the president one day, January 1st

oh, you like that gossip?

like you the one drinking what god sip

dot com, now I got to work with your tongue

How did it go with the moms?

- They thought I was a stripper. - That's ridiculous!

- You're a terrible dancer. - I know.

talk like a winner, my chest to that sun

G5 dealer, U.S. to Taiwan

now, who can say that? I want to playback

I got a feeling it's a rap, asap

- oh, oh - Hey.

[voice breaking] Oh, Kate, I just ...

I never should have started that rumor about you.

- Jackie, it's okay. - No, I just hope

that you can find it in your gorgeous,

oversized heart to forgive me, becau... wait.

What? It's okay?

get a good feeling, yeah

[music continues]

Jackie, what would you say if I brought some wine

for us to share at Bert's next game?

What?!

Why share? Bring two bottles.

[chuckles]

[explosion]

[cheers and applause]

Yay, Bert!

[all chanting "Bert!"]

[doorbell rings]

Oh, my god! Chris Harrison! You came!

Happy birthday! You must be Bert.

How did you know? [chuckles]

Because he's Chris Harrison! He knows everything.

Hey, man. I'm Pete Harrison.

- Pete, nice to meet you. - I'm a huge fan.

Uh, who's the front-runner?

I wish I could tell you guys. I really can't say.

All right, I admire your professionalism.

- Chris Harrison in my house! - Hey! There she is!

Ah, Chris, thank you so much for coming.

- This is for you. - Ooh. Thank you. [chuckles]

And, wow... you look as beautiful as ever.

Aww. It's good to see you, big TV star.

How do you guys know each other again?

Oh, long time ago, we used to date.

We had a lot of fun. Lot of fun.

- I bet! - You know what?

- You're out of here, rosebud. - You guys want to ...

- Pete... - Thanks for coming.

- No, no, no, no, no! - Can I take a moment and say my good-byes?

Bert day is officially over.

Chris: Kate! I still love you!

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