Original subtitles

Pete: Buddy, you think you got enough ketchup on that corn?

No, I think I can still see some yellow.

God. It's so great without Hillary.

I mean, don't get me wrong. I love her like a sister.

But this booth is so much roomier!

[cellphone chimes]

[gasps] Oh! I got a text from Allie!

[gasps] Ooh, a text from a lady.

- What does it say? - Um, it says, "math sucks, huh?"

- She's totally into you. - What?

Yeah. The "huh?" tells you everything.

She could have said "math sucks."

But instead she said, "math sucks, huh?"

Oh, yeah. That is beautifully put. Remember sentences?

Do you like Allie or do you like like her

- or do you just, like, like her. - I mean, she ticks all my boxes.

She's awesome, we're both right-handed,

we both have the same backpack,

and she's got a butt that just don't quit.

- Sex-ay! - Whoo!

- Sex-ay! - Come on! Sex-ay!

- Uh, guys, ix-nay on the sex-ay. - Sex-ay!

What should I text back? Oh, I-I know.

I'll tell her that she was in my dream last night.

- No. - No.

Okay, here's what you write. "Totes."

But not yet. You send it in an hour. You hang out with a lot of cool people.

- You're a busy guy. - No, I'm not.

You're doing way too many things

- to be able to text back right away. - No, I don't.

Okay, Warren, we know that, but Allie doesn't know that.

Trust Kate on this. Against all odds, she landed a man

20 years her senior with a butt that just won't quit.

Oh, my god! I lost a tooth!

My man! Let me see! Let me see! Let me see!

- All right! - Oh, my god!

If I suck hard enough, I can drink my own blood.

- Cool. - I love licking this hole!

1x13 - Tooth Fairy

Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org

Okay, buddy. You ready?

[speed-dialing]

[cellphone ringing]

[scoffs] Oh.

Oops.

Pete, this better be an emergency because I'm at a silence

retreat in a phone-free yurt and I haven't spoken in two days.

Mom, I lost my tooth!

Oh, and, Jackie, a girl texted me and I'm going to text back "totes."

Wow! What a great day!

Oh! Oh, Bert, Bert, you're becoming a man.

I remember when you were just a little baby

on a plane flying to us. I will see you tonight.

Hey. [beep] I lost a tooth a month ago

and nobody said they were proud of me.

You chipped your tooth on a candle.

[sighs] It smelled like cinnamon rolls.

Now Jackie gets to do the tooth fairy for the first time.

[groans] I'm not gonna like it, Kate.

Wow, I guess I didn't realize how big of a deal losing a tooth was.

You and Jackie seem so excited.

You know, I want to be into these moments.

I want to be like... "Whoa! Look at this moment! A tooth!"

- See? It just feels forced. - Things hit parents in different ways.

Diane cried the first time Hillary took a standardized test.

Jackie lost it the first time Bert said he loved indian food.

And, me, I'm just ... I'm a sucker for body parts ...

teeth, toenails, hair, foreskin.

No, wait, uh, Diane got the foreskin in the divorce.

I guess some of what you said made me feel better.

Bag hole! Bag hole!

What's a bag hole? Are you okay? Is this a stroke? What?

I made a special little napkin carrying case for Bert's tooth.

I put it in this bag, and now bag hole!

Babe, why did you put it in a napkin?

I would have put it in one of those little

containers that they put the parmesan cheese in.

Would you? Would you have?

You sure you want to go with that tone?

N-no. I don't want to go with that tone.

I ... I'm just ... I'm getting worked up

because if we don't find Bert's tooth, Jackie's gonna flip her lid.

Okay. Just calm down. If it's not in the bag,

it's either in your car or back at Mama Saucy's.

- Yes. - Okay.

Yes. Thank you. Back on the same side.

Brilliant. Mm.

Okay, I'm gonna go back to Mama Saucy's. You check my car.

- Okay. - Go. Go!

- Go! Go! - Okay. The car is, like, right there.

Okay, I found my sleeping bag,

the living room is spotless, and breakables are hidden.

I think that's everything. Mm, what smells good?

I'm testing out a new mulled cider recipe.

Tomorrow when your friends walk in,

- they will enter an aromatic wonderland. - Mom, you are the best.

Well, it's a special occasion. Your first high-school sleepover.

I am so happy we're doing this at your house.

I mean, these are the student-government girls.

They literally rule the school.

- Democratically, of course. - Of course.

- Dad would have just ordered pizza. - Pizza?

- Yeah. - How trite.

- Right? - Mm-hmm.

- This is going to be the best night ever. - Because you are the coolest.

Because we're the coolest.

[both shrieking]

Gummy bear.

Canadian penny. Ooh.

- Shania Twain cd? - Oh, hey, Kate?

I have a question about what to text Allie.

- Oh. - Are you looking for some gum?

I'd love a piece if you can find any.

Uh, no. Your dad lost Bert's tooth.

- Epic napkin fail. - Yeah. I mean, total epic monster fail.

So, um, where are we at with this sexting?

Oh, no, no. It's pronounced texting.

- Did she write back? - She did.

She said, "my brain is fried. Want to study together?"

I think I'm just gonna reply "no"

because I usually do all my studying on the bus.

Warren, she's basically asking you for a date!

- A-a date? - Yeah.

[chuckles] So, I'll reply, "come to my house right now

so we can start dating. My address is 16..."

No, no, no, no, no. Okay.

Listen. This is what you do.

- Mm-hmm. - You text, "my brain is fried, too.

Come by t-m-r-w and we'll kick some math ass,"

uh, with dollar signs for the s's.

[chuckles]

Yes!

Sir, is there a problem here?

Uh, yes. Yes. There is.

Uh, uh, my son lost his tooth earlier and I wrapped in a napkin,

put it in one of your poorly designed take-home bags

and then your famous sauce seeped through

your idiotic bag and now tooth is lost!

Well, why did you put it in a napkin?

I would have put it in my pocket.

Would you? Would you have?

- Kate. Did you find it? - No, did you find it?

I wouldn't ask you if you found it if I'd found it.

- You rocking that tone again? - No, ma'am.

- Wow! It's really lost! - Okay, Pete, calm down.

Yeah. Yeah. You're right.

Jackie's gonna be here any minute, so... okay.

Law school 101. You're about to lose a case.

Tamper with the evidence.

Here it is.

I've saved all the kids' baby teeth.

- Do the police know? - One day you'll understand.

I hope not.

I guess we can just give Jackie one of these.

- Are you crying? - No, I'm not crying. It's...

It's just that each one of these teeth is a story.

It's like these are the chapters of their childhood.

Pete, please close the box.

Hey, my big boy! Oh! Let me see.

What are you gonna do with all the money you get from the tooth fairy?

Ask me when the market opens.

Ha! All right. Give it to me.

Give it to me. Where's that sweet, sweet ivory?

There you go. Have a great time tonight.

[chuckles] [sniffs]

You dirty son of a bitch.

- Give me the real tooth. - We lost it.

- Pete lost it. - I lost it.

And he took a tone with me.

You know what? Keep your tooth.

I'm taking the boy. Bert, let's ride!

There's a tooth in my hair.

There's a tooth in my hair.

Get it out! Get it out! Get it out!

[gasps]

Geez, Jackie.

- Where's Bert? - I lost him. But don't worry.

I replaced him with an old asian man that I keep in a box.

Okay, I'm sorry about last night and the whole tooth swap.

- I know it was important to you. - It's okay.

After I had some tea, some pinot, a muscle relaxer,

I calmed down and I got a little popcorn kernel.

I painted it white, stuffed it under his pillow,

and had a perfectly pleasant little tooth fairy night.

Great. I'm glad it worked out. Plus you got to do some crafts,

- so it was kind of a win-win. - Mm-hmm.

Snakes! Why did it have to be snakes?

I hate snakes. I hate them!

You showed him "Indiana Jones"?

Ooh, I'm gonna go whip Warren.

P-choo! P-choo!

You knew that I was gonna show him that movie

on his 10th birthday. It's on the shared calendar.

Oh. Did I thoughtlessly ruin a really important

first for you and then sloppily try to hide it?

Ugh, if I did [chuckling] I feel terrible.

Okay. I-I-I get it. I screwed up.

- You wanted revenge. Now we're even. - Fair enough.

- Have a great day. - You too.

Hey, Bert. Put on your yoga pants.

Daddy's gonna teach you downward dog.

[doorbell rings]

Okay.

- Welcome to Casa de Warren. - Hey.

[chuckles] All right.

- May I take your coat? - My hoodie?

- Oh, yeah. Can I take your hoodie? - No, I'm fine.

Please. Please just give me your hoodie.

All right. Cool. Awesome, great.

Well, now that that's done, we can start studying right away.

Or we could just talk. You know, I've noticed you're right-handed.

- Interestingly, I am, too. - I'm left-handed.

[chuckles]

I must have been looking at you in a mirror or something.

- We should probably start studying. Test... - Yeah, totally, totally.

Let's go, um, right over there.

[thud]

[sighs]

[doorbell rings]

Hillary, your friends are here.

[breathes deeply]

All: Hey!

Hey!

Hay is for horses. Ladies, come in.

[sighs]

Girls, this is my Mom, Dr. Buckley.

But you may call me Dr. B.

All: Hi.

May I interest you ladies in a little amuse-bouche?

- Or we could order pizza. - Pizza's cool. [chuckles]

Cool. You want 'za, we'll get 'za.

- Hmm. - Cowabunga.

Want to watch a movie?

Oh, I'm way ahead of you girls. I've already rented

both of Cate Blanchett's "Elizabeths"

And, if we want to get really crazy, "Aviator."

I brought a movie. "Spawn of Satan II."

All: Ooh.

Well, awesome. Hey, I'm gonna go change

because, um, I just came back from a thing.

Yeah.

Mom, I think they were expecting something a little less formal.

Totally. I'll just put out the charcuterie.

If they want it, they can just come get it.

Cool.

- Dad, is this right? - Uh, yeah. Yeah, I think so.

This is so cool. Mom didn't want me to do yoga

until her swami came back from his spirit journey.

Well, I think she'll be fine when she sees how cute you look.

- I'm ... I'm gonna take a picture. - Can you cc me?

- Say "namaste!" - Namaste! [camera shutter clicks]

- Whoo! - Great.

- You know my e-mail address. - Of course I do.

- Woman: ...do anything! - Man: You've already done...

Oh, my god. Is he gonna kill her?

[screaming]

[laughing] Oh, come on. Hanging upside down like that,

she would have lost consciousness

way before getting stabbed in the face.

- Mom. - Hmm?

- Chill, please. - Where are you?

This is so scary!

It's really not. He's clearly not gonna kill her.

I-it's called "the Spawn of Satan." That's the son of Satan.

I mean, she's pregnant. Do the math.

- She's carrying Satan's child. - Mom!

[cellphones chime]

[laughter]

Totally.

[chuckles]

- Mom. - Hmm?

Can you go make us some popcorn?

Oh, sure. Sure.

- Save my seat. - Of course.

Is your mom gonna be hanging out with us all night?

[chuckles] Who knows?

I mean, my Mom is, like, socially challenged.

[laughter]

I hope we get credit for showing our work.

[chuckles] I love showing my work.

[sighs]

This doesn't feel date-like.

We're just talking about math, and it's not sex-ay at all.

Okay, listen. I'm gonna go in there and talk you up.

Just make an excuse to leave for awhile.

Okay. Okay, okay. Um, hey, I have to go to the bathroom,

you know, rumble in the jungle, so it's probably gonna be a while.

- Okay. - All right. Okay.

Just go.

[sighs]

So, Allie, having a good time?

Yeah. Looks like, uh...

- doing a little shapes math. - Geometry.

Yep. [sighs]

Man, studying blows, huh?

Good thing Warren's here to liven it up a little bit.

I mean, he's really funny, right?

[chuckles] And super cute.

- Aren't you his... stepmom? - Yeah. Oh, my god.

But if I wasn't, I'd be all over that.

Really? A 15-year-old?

Well, I mean, if he was older and not my stepson or... uh...

Point is, is Warren is a catch.

I mean, seriously, his bangs are flawless.

Oh! I am back, and I feel amazing.

Oh, well, you look awesome, as usual.

Oh, all right.

Hey. Wah!

[sighs]

Please, you think your mom's bad?

My mom won't let me watch "the bachelor"

because she found out Kelsey used to be a hooters waitress.

[scoffs]

Are we talking about lame moms? My Mom takes the cake.

So, I asked for a Bee Gees poster for Christmas.

I go downstairs Christmas morning,

unwrap my gift, and who am I looking at?

Maurice. Just Maurice.

Can you imagine?! Mm. Text message.

Excuse me. My answering service.

My patient just... died.

[chuckles]

Oh, travel website. Are we going somewhere?

I'm thinking of taking Bert to Nepal for a long weekend.

Jackie's always wanted to do that.

Okay. Now this is getting crazy, all right?

It's a tooth and a movie, okay?

Let it go. Take the high road.

I will take the high road... to the low road.

Hey, dream-killer.

You take one of my milestones, I take one of yours.

Oh, is that how you want to play it?

Because mommy's taking Bert to the Lincoln memorial.

Yeah? Well, daddy's gonna take him to his first s?ance.

Have fun with that, because Bert and I

will be making it rain at his first strip club.

Guys, get over it, okay? Just get over it.

Pete, you got to watch a tooth fall out, which you weirdly love.

And, Jackie, you got to be tooth fairy, which combines

two of your passions of magic spells and old bones.

So, who cares if it wasn't his real tooth?

It wasn't my real tooth?! What if the tooth fairy finds out?

Warren: Thanks a lot, Kate.

Allie just left because you weirded her out.

The tooth fairy's gonna hate me.

And did you tell her that you wanted to get with me?

Way to go, guys. This is some real top-notch parenting.

[scoffs]

- You want to get with Warren? - [stammers] It's complicated.

Hey, buddy, if you lie like that,

all the blood's gonna rush to your head.

What about when you lie to the tooth fairy?

What happens then?

Oh, Bertie-boo, sweetie, I promise we're gonna find your tooth.

What your mom means is that

we promise we're gonna try to find your tooth.

- I swear it. - Don't do that.

- Okay, I swear it on your father's life. - Much better.

Hey. I'm sorry I chased Allie away.

It's fine. She just wanted me for my brain.

Wait. Is this Allie's sweatshirt?

Yeah, she must have been in such a rush to leave,

- she left it here. - Warren! [imitates brakes screeching]

Hold up! Don't you see? This is the classic leave-behind!

- What does that mean? - She wants you to get

in touch with her, okay? Girls don't forget things by accident.

I'm tired of playing mind games.

I feel like I've been playing "connect four" all day long.

No, Warren, it's not you she doesn't like. It's me.

- Here. - Wait.

"Hey, Allie. How lame is my stepmom?

- I have your hoodie." - Wait. What are you doing?

- No! I'm fixing it! - Kate!

No! "Let me know if U want me 2 bring it to U."

The "to" is a number, the "you" is the letter.

And now I'm sending a snowflake that winks.

Come on, Kate! Give me my phone back!

- No, no! Warren, trust me! - Wha...!

[knock on door]

Uh... [clears throat]

Come in.

Hey.

- Just checking up on you. - Oh.

Rachel drank some cider.

Good. She needs the calories.

[chuckles]

Are you girls having fun?

Yeah. But you aren't.

Aw, that's okay.

Tonight's not about me. You're in high school.

You should be able to have a sleepover

with your friends and not your mom.

- Okay? Go have fun. - Okay.

- Go on. - Sorry.

By the way, you were totally right about that movie.

I mean, who gets asphyxiated and doesn't go into hypoxia?

Well, sherpas. But that's neither here nor there.

Who taught you how to do this, a raccoon?

I can't believe you don't compost.

I'm never gonna find it! It's probably not even here.

Yeah, you're right.

Think it's time to tell him the truth about the tooth fairy?

No. I'm not ready for him to grow up.

Good. Me neither.

How are we gonna find a tooth?

This is Hillary's. Please be careful with it.

I love this tooth.

Creepy weirdo. What's the matter with you?

[gasps] Oh, this is perfect!

Bert-o! We got it! Let's ride!

Kate: Just chill out. It's gonna happen.

Warren: It's not gonna happen. I told you not to touch it.

Warren, trust me, I have way more experience than you.

[sighs]

Seriously, what the hell's happening?

- We're waiting for Allie to text back. - She's never gonna.

[sniffs] Honey, you smell like trash.

A little bit.

[cellphone chimes] Oh! You look. I can't.

"K-k" ... ooh, double "k." I love this chick.

"Can you drop it off tonight?"

- [gasps] Oh! - It is on! Let's go.

How do my bangs look?

- Full Bieber. - All right.

Come on, babe. Romance is in the air.

What's happening? What's a full Bieber?

Really?

[Indigo Girls' "Closer to fine" plays]

[knock on door]

I'm trying to tell you something about my life

- So... - Shh, shh, shh, shh.

- maybe give me insight between black and white - Hey. You brought my hoodie.

and the best thing you've ever done for me

is to help me take my life less seriously

[gasps]

it's only life, after all

- yeah - Are you crying?

- well, darkness has a hunger... - Yeah. [chuckles]

- Now you understand my box of teeth. - No, I still think they're disgusting.

- and lightness has a call that's hard to hear - Yeah, of course, of course.

- I wrap the fear around me like a blanket - Pete: Wow.

- I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it - My man.

- I'm crawling on your shore - Yeah! Tell us everything.

Um, well, she thanked me for bringing back the hoodie,

I kissed her, and then she came out to me pretty hard.

She came onto you pretty hard. [chuckles]

- Oh, I-is that how they say it? - Yeah.

Okay, well, anyway, she told me she was gay.

- closer I am to fine - but [sighs] we're new best friends.

yeah

closer I am to fine yeah

the less I seek my source and theess I seek my source for some definitive

closer I am to fine

closer I am to fine

closer I am to fine yeah

[cellphone chimes]

- Oh, wow! - What is it?

Mom just said she got a goodnight kiss from Hillary

and now she's sending me one.

Check it. She wrote "X-X-X."

Three kisses from Mom.

God, it's like I'm getting kisses everywhere tonight.

Allie, my Mom.

Well, your Grandmother's coming this weekend.

I'll warn her.

[chuckles]

Don't hate the player, guys. Hmm.

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