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1
00:00:04,213 --> 00:00:07,049
Pete: Buddy, you think you got
enough ketchup on that corn?
2
00:00:07,090 --> 00:00:09,760
No, I think I can still see some yellow.
3
00:00:09,801 --> 00:00:12,221
God. It's so great without Hillary.
4
00:00:12,262 --> 00:00:13,931
I mean, don't get me wrong.
I love her like a sister.
5
00:00:13,972 --> 00:00:15,891
But this booth is so much roomier!
6
00:00:15,933 --> 00:00:17,184
[cellphone chimes]
7
00:00:17,219 --> 00:00:19,978
[gasps] Oh!
I got a text from Allie!
8
00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:21,855
[gasps]
Ooh, a text from a lady.
9
00:00:21,939 --> 00:00:24,358
- What does it say?
- Um, it says, "math sucks, huh?"
10
00:00:24,399 --> 00:00:26,026
- She's totally into you.
- What?
11
00:00:26,068 --> 00:00:27,361
Yeah.
The "huh?" tells you everything.
12
00:00:27,402 --> 00:00:28,487
She could have said "math sucks."
13
00:00:28,529 --> 00:00:30,197
But instead she said, "math sucks, huh?"
14
00:00:30,239 --> 00:00:32,824
Oh, yeah. That is beautifully put.
Remember sentences?
15
00:00:32,859 --> 00:00:34,701
Do you like Allie or
do you like like her
16
00:00:34,743 --> 00:00:37,871
- or do you just, like, like her.
- I mean, she ticks all my boxes.
17
00:00:37,913 --> 00:00:39,581
She's awesome, we're both right-handed,
18
00:00:39,623 --> 00:00:41,708
we both have the same backpack,
19
00:00:41,750 --> 00:00:43,919
and she's got a butt
that just don't quit.
20
00:00:43,961 --> 00:00:45,838
- Sex-ay!
- Whoo!
21
00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:47,214
- Sex-ay!
- Come on! Sex-ay!
22
00:00:47,256 --> 00:00:49,299
- Uh, guys, ix-nay on the sex-ay.
- Sex-ay!
23
00:00:49,341 --> 00:00:51,468
What should I text back?
Oh, I-I know.
24
00:00:51,510 --> 00:00:53,178
I'll tell her that she
was in my dream last night.
25
00:00:53,220 --> 00:00:55,138
- No.
- No.
26
00:00:55,180 --> 00:00:57,182
Okay, here's what you write.
"Totes."
27
00:00:57,224 --> 00:01:00,519
But not yet. You send it in an hour.
You hang out with a lot of cool people.
28
00:01:00,561 --> 00:01:02,187
- You're a busy guy.
- No, I'm not.
29
00:01:02,271 --> 00:01:03,772
You're doing way too many things
30
00:01:03,807 --> 00:01:06,358
- to be able to text back right away.
- No, I don't.
31
00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:09,152
Okay, Warren, we know that,
but Allie doesn't know that.
32
00:01:09,194 --> 00:01:12,708
Trust Kate on this. Against
all odds, she landed a man
33
00:01:12,709 --> 00:01:16,223
20 years her senior with a
butt that just won't quit.
34
00:01:16,451 --> 00:01:18,871
Oh, my god! I lost a tooth!
35
00:01:18,954 --> 00:01:20,622
My man! Let me see!
Let me see! Let me see!
36
00:01:20,664 --> 00:01:22,541
- All right!
- Oh, my god!
37
00:01:22,583 --> 00:01:25,961
If I suck hard enough,
I can drink my own blood.
38
00:01:26,003 --> 00:01:28,463
- Cool.
- I love licking this hole!
39
00:01:30,048 --> 00:01:33,093
1x13 - Tooth Fairy
40
00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:37,074
Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org
41
00:01:39,272 --> 00:01:42,814
42
00:01:44,660 --> 00:01:46,260
Okay, buddy. You ready?
43
00:01:46,340 --> 00:01:48,420
[speed-dialing]
44
00:01:48,500 --> 00:01:52,420
[cellphone ringing]
45
00:01:57,020 --> 00:02:00,260
[scoffs] Oh.
46
00:02:00,340 --> 00:02:02,220
Oops.
47
00:02:02,300 --> 00:02:05,540
Pete, this better be an
emergency because I'm at a silence
48
00:02:05,575 --> 00:02:08,780
retreat in a phone-free yurt
and I haven't spoken in two days.
49
00:02:08,860 --> 00:02:10,140
Mom, I lost my tooth!
50
00:02:10,180 --> 00:02:13,620
Oh, and, Jackie, a girl texted me
and I'm going to text back "totes."
51
00:02:13,700 --> 00:02:15,540
Wow! What a great day!
52
00:02:15,580 --> 00:02:19,380
Oh! Oh, Bert, Bert,
you're becoming a man.
53
00:02:19,420 --> 00:02:21,220
I remember when you
were just a little baby
54
00:02:21,260 --> 00:02:25,020
on a plane flying to us.
I will see you tonight.
55
00:02:25,100 --> 00:02:27,220
Hey. [beep]
I lost a tooth a month ago
56
00:02:27,260 --> 00:02:28,940
and nobody said they were proud of me.
57
00:02:29,020 --> 00:02:30,540
You chipped your tooth on a candle.
58
00:02:30,620 --> 00:02:32,540
[sighs]
It smelled like cinnamon rolls.
59
00:02:35,540 --> 00:02:38,980
Now Jackie gets to do the
tooth fairy for the first time.
60
00:02:39,060 --> 00:02:40,900
[groans]
I'm not gonna like it, Kate.
61
00:02:40,940 --> 00:02:44,540
Wow, I guess I didn't realize
how big of a deal losing a tooth was.
62
00:02:44,620 --> 00:02:46,020
You and Jackie seem so excited.
63
00:02:46,100 --> 00:02:47,940
You know, I want to
be into these moments.
64
00:02:47,980 --> 00:02:51,220
I want to be like...
"Whoa! Look at this moment! A tooth!"
65
00:02:51,300 --> 00:02:54,460
- See? It just feels forced.
- Things hit parents in different ways.
66
00:02:54,540 --> 00:02:57,780
Diane cried the first time
Hillary took a standardized test.
67
00:02:57,820 --> 00:03:01,060
Jackie lost it the first time
Bert said he loved indian food.
68
00:03:01,140 --> 00:03:03,820
And, me, I'm just ... I'm
a sucker for body parts ...
69
00:03:03,860 --> 00:03:06,420
teeth, toenails, hair, foreskin.
70
00:03:06,460 --> 00:03:09,700
No, wait, uh, Diane got
the foreskin in the divorce.
71
00:03:09,740 --> 00:03:12,900
I guess some of what you
said made me feel better.
72
00:03:14,100 --> 00:03:17,300
Bag hole! Bag hole!
73
00:03:17,340 --> 00:03:20,460
What's a bag hole? Are you okay?
Is this a stroke? What?
74
00:03:20,540 --> 00:03:24,460
I made a special little napkin
carrying case for Bert's tooth.
75
00:03:24,540 --> 00:03:26,700
I put it in this bag,
and now bag hole!
76
00:03:26,780 --> 00:03:28,140
Babe, why did you put it in a napkin?
77
00:03:28,220 --> 00:03:29,820
I would have put it
in one of those little
78
00:03:29,821 --> 00:03:31,420
containers that they put
the parmesan cheese in.
79
00:03:31,500 --> 00:03:33,820
Would you?
Would you have?
80
00:03:33,900 --> 00:03:35,220
You sure you want to go with that tone?
81
00:03:35,260 --> 00:03:37,700
N-no. I don't want
to go with that tone.
82
00:03:37,780 --> 00:03:39,980
I ... I'm just ...
I'm getting worked up
83
00:03:40,060 --> 00:03:43,180
because if we don't find Bert's
tooth, Jackie's gonna flip her lid.
84
00:03:43,260 --> 00:03:46,140
Okay. Just calm down.
If it's not in the bag,
85
00:03:46,220 --> 00:03:48,780
it's either in your car
or back at Mama Saucy's.
86
00:03:48,860 --> 00:03:49,900
- Yes.
- Okay.
87
00:03:49,940 --> 00:03:52,140
Yes. Thank you.
Back on the same side.
88
00:03:52,180 --> 00:03:53,540
Brilliant. Mm.
89
00:03:53,620 --> 00:03:56,300
Okay, I'm gonna go back to
Mama Saucy's. You check my car.
90
00:03:56,380 --> 00:03:57,780
- Okay.
- Go. Go!
91
00:03:57,860 --> 00:04:01,580
- Go! Go!
- Okay. The car is, like, right there.
92
00:04:03,300 --> 00:04:04,900
Okay, I found my sleeping bag,
93
00:04:04,980 --> 00:04:07,740
the living room is spotless,
and breakables are hidden.
94
00:04:07,820 --> 00:04:10,500
I think that's everything.
Mm, what smells good?
95
00:04:10,580 --> 00:04:13,100
I'm testing out a new
mulled cider recipe.
96
00:04:13,180 --> 00:04:14,700
Tomorrow when your friends walk in,
97
00:04:14,780 --> 00:04:18,380
- they will enter an aromatic wonderland.
- Mom, you are the best.
98
00:04:18,460 --> 00:04:21,620
Well, it's a special occasion.
Your first high-school sleepover.
99
00:04:21,700 --> 00:04:23,940
I am so happy we're
doing this at your house.
100
00:04:23,980 --> 00:04:26,380
I mean, these are the
student-government girls.
101
00:04:26,460 --> 00:04:28,740
They literally rule the school.
102
00:04:28,780 --> 00:04:30,460
- Democratically, of course.
- Of course.
103
00:04:30,540 --> 00:04:32,500
- Dad would have just ordered pizza.
- Pizza?
104
00:04:32,501 --> 00:04:33,900
- Yeah.
- How trite.
105
00:04:33,980 --> 00:04:35,180
- Right?
- Mm-hmm.
106
00:04:35,220 --> 00:04:40,312
- This is going to be the best night ever.
- Because you are the coolest.
107
00:04:40,347 --> 00:04:42,524
Because we're the coolest.
108
00:04:42,559 --> 00:04:44,340
[both shrieking]
109
00:04:45,530 --> 00:04:48,010
Gummy bear.
110
00:04:49,690 --> 00:04:52,192
Canadian penny.
Ooh.
111
00:04:52,920 --> 00:04:54,800
- Shania Twain cd?
- Oh, hey, Kate?
112
00:04:54,840 --> 00:04:56,080
I have a question about
what to text Allie.
113
00:04:56,160 --> 00:04:57,200
- Oh.
- Are you looking for some gum?
114
00:04:57,240 --> 00:04:58,680
I'd love a piece if you can find any.
115
00:04:58,760 --> 00:05:00,640
Uh, no.
Your dad lost Bert's tooth.
116
00:05:00,720 --> 00:05:06,400
- Epic napkin fail.
- Yeah. I mean, total epic monster fail.
117
00:05:06,480 --> 00:05:09,400
So, um, where are we
at with this sexting?
118
00:05:09,480 --> 00:05:10,840
Oh, no, no.
It's pronounced texting.
119
00:05:10,920 --> 00:05:13,160
- Did she write back?
- She did.
120
00:05:13,240 --> 00:05:15,320
She said, "my brain is fried.
Want to study together?"
121
00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:17,520
I think I'm just gonna reply "no"
122
00:05:17,560 --> 00:05:19,160
because I usually do all
my studying on the bus.
123
00:05:19,240 --> 00:05:21,360
Warren, she's basically
asking you for a date!
124
00:05:21,440 --> 00:05:23,160
- A-a date?
- Yeah.
125
00:05:23,200 --> 00:05:25,080
[chuckles] So, I'll reply,
"come to my house right now
126
00:05:25,160 --> 00:05:27,256
so we can start dating.
My address is 16..."
127
00:05:27,291 --> 00:05:28,662
No, no, no, no, no. Okay.
128
00:05:28,697 --> 00:05:30,080
Listen. This is what you do.
129
00:05:30,115 --> 00:05:32,252
- Mm-hmm.
- You text, "my brain is fried, too.
130
00:05:32,280 --> 00:05:36,600
Come by t-m-r-w and
we'll kick some math ass,"
131
00:05:36,680 --> 00:05:38,120
uh, with dollar signs for the s's.
132
00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:39,600
[chuckles]
133
00:05:39,680 --> 00:05:41,561
Yes!
134
00:05:43,740 --> 00:05:44,780
Sir, is there a problem here?
135
00:05:44,860 --> 00:05:47,780
Uh, yes. Yes. There is.
136
00:05:47,820 --> 00:05:52,460
Uh, uh, my son lost his tooth earlier
and I wrapped in a napkin,
137
00:05:52,500 --> 00:05:55,460
put it in one of your poorly
designed take-home bags
138
00:05:55,500 --> 00:05:58,080
and then your famous
sauce seeped through
139
00:05:58,081 --> 00:06:00,660
your idiotic bag
and now tooth is lost!
140
00:06:00,700 --> 00:06:03,624
Well, why did you put it in a napkin?
141
00:06:03,550 --> 00:06:05,190
I would have put it in my pocket.
142
00:06:05,230 --> 00:06:08,390
Would you?
Would you have?
143
00:06:08,430 --> 00:06:11,550
- Kate. Did you find it?
- No, did you find it?
144
00:06:11,630 --> 00:06:13,310
I wouldn't ask you if you
found it if I'd found it.
145
00:06:13,390 --> 00:06:15,470
- You rocking that tone again?
- No, ma'am.
146
00:06:15,550 --> 00:06:20,270
- Wow! It's really lost!
- Okay, Pete, calm down.
147
00:06:20,310 --> 00:06:22,270
Yeah. Yeah. You're right.
148
00:06:22,350 --> 00:06:26,390
Jackie's gonna be here
any minute, so... okay.
149
00:06:26,470 --> 00:06:30,380
Law school 101. You're
about to lose a case.
150
00:06:30,415 --> 00:06:32,581
Tamper with the evidence.
151
00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:37,200
Here it is.
152
00:06:37,240 --> 00:06:39,840
I've saved all the kids' baby teeth.
153
00:06:39,880 --> 00:06:41,840
- Do the police know?
- One day you'll understand.
154
00:06:42,270 --> 00:06:43,510
I hope not.
155
00:06:43,590 --> 00:06:46,430
I guess we can just
give Jackie one of these.
156
00:06:48,030 --> 00:06:51,424
- Are you crying?
- No, I'm not crying. It's...
157
00:06:51,459 --> 00:06:55,510
It's just that each
one of these teeth is a story.
158
00:06:55,590 --> 00:06:58,070
It's like these are the
chapters of their childhood.
159
00:06:58,150 --> 00:07:01,538
Pete, please close the box.
160
00:07:04,790 --> 00:07:08,538
Hey, my big boy!
Oh! Let me see.
161
00:07:08,740 --> 00:07:11,140
What are you gonna do with all the
money you get from the tooth fairy?
162
00:07:11,220 --> 00:07:12,700
Ask me when the market opens.
163
00:07:12,780 --> 00:07:14,940
Ha!
All right. Give it to me.
164
00:07:15,020 --> 00:07:16,892
Give it to me. Where's
that sweet, sweet ivory?
165
00:07:17,012 --> 00:07:19,170
There you go.
Have a great time tonight.
166
00:07:19,210 --> 00:07:21,673
[chuckles]
[sniffs]
167
00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:25,400
You dirty son of a bitch.
168
00:07:26,480 --> 00:07:28,880
- Give me the real tooth.
- We lost it.
169
00:07:28,920 --> 00:07:30,134
- Pete lost it.
- I lost it.
170
00:07:30,176 --> 00:07:31,364
And he took a tone with me.
171
00:07:31,380 --> 00:07:32,945
You know what?
Keep your tooth.
172
00:07:32,990 --> 00:07:36,190
I'm taking the boy.
Bert, let's ride!
173
00:07:36,270 --> 00:07:37,796
There's a tooth in my hair.
174
00:07:38,217 --> 00:07:39,350
There's a tooth in my hair.
175
00:07:39,430 --> 00:07:41,012
Get it out! Get it out!
Get it out!
176
00:07:51,270 --> 00:07:52,830
[gasps]
177
00:07:52,910 --> 00:07:54,990
Geez, Jackie.
178
00:07:55,070 --> 00:07:58,070
- Where's Bert?
- I lost him. But don't worry.
179
00:07:58,150 --> 00:08:01,310
I replaced him with an old
asian man that I keep in a box.
180
00:08:01,390 --> 00:08:03,390
Okay, I'm sorry about last
night and the whole tooth swap.
181
00:08:03,430 --> 00:08:05,990
- I know it was important to you.
- It's okay.
182
00:08:06,030 --> 00:08:08,030
After I had some tea, some
pinot, a muscle relaxer,
183
00:08:08,110 --> 00:08:10,630
I calmed down and I got
a little popcorn kernel.
184
00:08:10,670 --> 00:08:12,750
I painted it white,
stuffed it under his pillow,
185
00:08:12,830 --> 00:08:15,150
and had a perfectly pleasant
little tooth fairy night.
186
00:08:15,230 --> 00:08:18,030
Great. I'm glad it worked out.
Plus you got to do some crafts,
187
00:08:18,031 --> 00:08:20,710
- so it was kind of a win-win.
- Mm-hmm.
188
00:08:20,790 --> 00:08:23,190
Snakes!
Why did it have to be snakes?
189
00:08:24,270 --> 00:08:26,950
I hate snakes. I hate them!
190
00:08:27,030 --> 00:08:28,350
You showed him "Indiana Jones"?
191
00:08:28,430 --> 00:08:30,350
Ooh, I'm gonna go whip Warren.
192
00:08:30,430 --> 00:08:32,190
P-choo! P-choo!
193
00:08:32,270 --> 00:08:33,790
You knew that I was
gonna show him that movie
194
00:08:33,870 --> 00:08:37,030
on his 10th birthday.
It's on the shared calendar.
195
00:08:37,110 --> 00:08:40,850
Oh. Did I thoughtlessly
ruin a really important
196
00:08:40,851 --> 00:08:43,270
first for you and then
sloppily try to hide it?
197
00:08:43,810 --> 00:08:47,570
Ugh, if I did [chuckling]
I feel terrible.
198
00:08:47,610 --> 00:08:49,570
Okay. I-I-I get it.
I screwed up.
199
00:08:49,650 --> 00:08:52,410
- You wanted revenge. Now we're even.
- Fair enough.
200
00:08:52,450 --> 00:08:54,609
- Have a great day.
- You too.
201
00:08:59,070 --> 00:09:01,430
Hey, Bert. Put on your yoga pants.
202
00:09:01,510 --> 00:09:04,070
Daddy's gonna teach you downward dog.
203
00:09:04,150 --> 00:09:05,070
[doorbell rings]
204
00:09:05,150 --> 00:09:06,830
Okay.
205
00:09:06,910 --> 00:09:09,190
- Welcome to Casa de Warren.
- Hey.
206
00:09:09,230 --> 00:09:10,990
[chuckles] All right.
207
00:09:11,030 --> 00:09:12,910
- May I take your coat?
- My hoodie?
208
00:09:12,990 --> 00:09:14,790
- Oh, yeah. Can I take your hoodie?
- No, I'm fine.
209
00:09:14,830 --> 00:09:17,673
Please.
Please just give me your hoodie.
210
00:09:18,970 --> 00:09:21,410
All right. Cool. Awesome, great.
211
00:09:21,490 --> 00:09:25,330
Well, now that that's done,
we can start studying right away.
212
00:09:25,410 --> 00:09:27,970
Or we could just talk. You know,
I've noticed you're right-handed.
213
00:09:28,010 --> 00:09:30,490
- Interestingly, I am, too.
- I'm left-handed.
214
00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:31,450
[chuckles]
215
00:09:31,530 --> 00:09:33,490
I must have been looking at you
in a mirror or something.
216
00:09:33,570 --> 00:09:36,450
- We should probably start studying. Test...
- Yeah, totally, totally.
217
00:09:36,530 --> 00:09:38,097
Let's go, um, right over there.
218
00:09:41,250 --> 00:09:43,370
[thud]
219
00:09:44,250 --> 00:09:46,370
[sighs]
220
00:09:46,450 --> 00:09:47,650
[doorbell rings]
221
00:09:47,730 --> 00:09:50,930
Hillary, your friends are here.
222
00:09:51,010 --> 00:09:52,890
[breathes deeply]
223
00:09:56,490 --> 00:09:58,330
All: Hey!
224
00:09:58,370 --> 00:09:59,770
Hey!
225
00:09:59,810 --> 00:10:03,757
Hay is for horses.
Ladies, come in.
226
00:10:05,730 --> 00:10:06,690
[sighs]
227
00:10:06,770 --> 00:10:09,090
Girls, this is my Mom, Dr. Buckley.
228
00:10:09,170 --> 00:10:11,210
But you may call me Dr. B.
229
00:10:12,050 --> 00:10:13,010
All: Hi.
230
00:10:13,050 --> 00:10:16,290
May I interest you ladies
in a little amuse-bouche?
231
00:10:16,330 --> 00:10:18,650
- Or we could order pizza.
- Pizza's cool. [chuckles]
232
00:10:19,190 --> 00:10:22,030
Cool.
You want 'za, we'll get 'za.
233
00:10:22,070 --> 00:10:23,830
- Hmm.
- Cowabunga.
234
00:10:23,870 --> 00:10:25,030
Want to watch a movie?
235
00:10:25,070 --> 00:10:28,110
Oh, I'm way ahead of you girls.
I've already rented
236
00:10:28,190 --> 00:10:30,470
both of Cate Blanchett's "Elizabeths"
237
00:10:30,550 --> 00:10:34,630
And, if we want to get
really crazy, "Aviator."
238
00:10:34,710 --> 00:10:37,310
I brought a movie.
"Spawn of Satan II."
239
00:10:37,350 --> 00:10:38,590
All: Ooh.
240
00:10:38,670 --> 00:10:42,030
Well, awesome.
Hey, I'm gonna go change
241
00:10:42,110 --> 00:10:45,230
because, um, I just
came back from a thing.
242
00:10:45,310 --> 00:10:46,823
Yeah.
243
00:10:49,010 --> 00:10:52,610
Mom, I think they were expecting
something a little less formal.
244
00:10:52,690 --> 00:10:55,850
Totally.
I'll just put out the charcuterie.
245
00:10:55,930 --> 00:10:58,410
If they want it, they
can just come get it.
246
00:10:58,490 --> 00:11:00,030
Cool.
247
00:11:01,170 --> 00:11:05,290
- Dad, is this right?
- Uh, yeah. Yeah, I think so.
248
00:11:05,834 --> 00:11:08,830
This is so cool.
Mom didn't want me to do yoga
249
00:11:08,910 --> 00:11:12,310
until her swami came back
from his spirit journey.
250
00:11:12,650 --> 00:11:15,410
Well, I think she'll be fine
when she sees how cute you look.
251
00:11:15,450 --> 00:11:18,210
- I'm ... I'm gonna take a picture.
- Can you cc me?
252
00:11:18,250 --> 00:11:21,320
- Say "namaste!"
- Namaste! [camera shutter clicks]
253
00:11:21,355 --> 00:11:22,367
- Whoo!
- Great.
254
00:11:22,489 --> 00:11:24,290
- You know my e-mail address.
- Of course I do.
255
00:11:24,330 --> 00:11:27,490
- Woman: ...do anything!
- Man: You've already done...
256
00:11:27,570 --> 00:11:29,090
Oh, my god.
Is he gonna kill her?
257
00:11:29,130 --> 00:11:31,130
[screaming]
258
00:11:31,210 --> 00:11:34,970
[laughing] Oh, come on.
Hanging upside down like that,
259
00:11:35,050 --> 00:11:36,770
she would have lost consciousness
260
00:11:36,810 --> 00:11:39,770
way before getting stabbed in the face.
261
00:11:42,810 --> 00:11:44,090
- Mom.
- Hmm?
262
00:11:44,870 --> 00:11:47,790
- Chill, please.
- Where are you?
263
00:11:47,870 --> 00:11:49,430
This is so scary!
264
00:11:49,510 --> 00:11:52,630
It's really not.
He's clearly not gonna kill her.
265
00:11:52,710 --> 00:11:55,670
I-it's called "the Spawn of Satan."
That's the son of Satan.
266
00:11:55,750 --> 00:11:57,150
I mean, she's pregnant.
Do the math.
267
00:11:57,230 --> 00:11:59,750
- She's carrying Satan's child.
- Mom!
268
00:11:59,790 --> 00:12:01,670
[cellphones chime]
269
00:12:01,750 --> 00:12:02,790
[laughter]
270
00:12:02,830 --> 00:12:05,350
Totally.
271
00:12:05,430 --> 00:12:06,430
[chuckles]
272
00:12:07,710 --> 00:12:10,030
- Mom.
- Hmm?
273
00:12:10,110 --> 00:12:11,470
Can you go make us some popcorn?
274
00:12:11,550 --> 00:12:13,870
Oh, sure. Sure.
275
00:12:13,950 --> 00:12:15,470
- Save my seat.
- Of course.
276
00:12:15,510 --> 00:12:18,750
Is your mom gonna be hanging
out with us all night?
277
00:12:18,830 --> 00:12:21,470
[chuckles]
Who knows?
278
00:12:21,510 --> 00:12:26,978
I mean, my Mom is, like,
socially challenged.
279
00:12:27,013 --> 00:12:28,814
[laughter]
280
00:12:35,270 --> 00:12:37,310
I hope we get credit
for showing our work.
281
00:12:37,390 --> 00:12:39,830
[chuckles]
I love showing my work.
282
00:12:41,030 --> 00:12:42,230
[sighs]
283
00:12:51,870 --> 00:12:53,870
This doesn't feel date-like.
284
00:12:53,950 --> 00:12:56,710
We're just talking about math,
and it's not sex-ay at all.
285
00:12:56,790 --> 00:12:58,470
Okay, listen. I'm gonna go
in there and talk you up.
286
00:12:58,510 --> 00:12:59,910
Just make an excuse to leave for awhile.
287
00:12:59,950 --> 00:13:02,950
Okay. Okay, okay.
Um, hey, I have to go to the bathroom,
288
00:13:03,030 --> 00:13:06,390
you know, rumble in the jungle,
so it's probably gonna be a while.
289
00:13:06,470 --> 00:13:09,150
- Okay.
- All right. Okay.
290
00:13:09,190 --> 00:13:11,310
Just go.
291
00:13:11,390 --> 00:13:12,750
[sighs]
292
00:13:12,790 --> 00:13:15,470
So, Allie, having a good time?
293
00:13:15,550 --> 00:13:18,390
Yeah.
Looks like, uh...
294
00:13:18,430 --> 00:13:22,270
- doing a little shapes math.
- Geometry.
295
00:13:22,310 --> 00:13:25,190
Yep. [sighs]
296
00:13:25,270 --> 00:13:27,750
Man, studying blows, huh?
297
00:13:27,830 --> 00:13:29,990
Good thing Warren's here
to liven it up a little bit.
298
00:13:30,070 --> 00:13:31,110
I mean, he's really funny, right?
299
00:13:31,150 --> 00:13:33,510
[chuckles] And super cute.
300
00:13:33,550 --> 00:13:36,710
- Aren't you his... stepmom?
- Yeah. Oh, my god.
301
00:13:37,750 --> 00:13:39,710
But if I wasn't, I'd be all over that.
302
00:13:39,750 --> 00:13:41,790
Really? A 15-year-old?
303
00:13:41,870 --> 00:13:47,190
Well, I mean, if he was older
and not my stepson or... uh...
304
00:13:47,230 --> 00:13:49,790
Point is, is Warren is a catch.
305
00:13:49,830 --> 00:13:53,110
I mean, seriously,
his bangs are flawless.
306
00:13:53,190 --> 00:13:56,430
Oh! I am back, and I feel amazing.
307
00:13:56,470 --> 00:13:59,190
Oh, well, you look awesome, as usual.
308
00:13:59,270 --> 00:14:01,750
Oh, all right.
309
00:14:01,830 --> 00:14:04,037
Hey. Wah!
310
00:14:05,510 --> 00:14:08,190
[sighs]
311
00:14:08,970 --> 00:14:11,250
Please, you think your mom's bad?
312
00:14:11,330 --> 00:14:13,650
My mom won't let me watch "the bachelor"
313
00:14:13,690 --> 00:14:15,250
because she found out Kelsey
used to be a hooters waitress.
314
00:14:15,290 --> 00:14:16,330
[scoffs]
315
00:14:16,410 --> 00:14:20,370
Are we talking about lame moms?
My Mom takes the cake.
316
00:14:21,250 --> 00:14:23,730
So, I asked for a Bee Gees
poster for Christmas.
317
00:14:23,810 --> 00:14:25,210
I go downstairs Christmas morning,
318
00:14:25,290 --> 00:14:29,250
unwrap my gift,
and who am I looking at?
319
00:14:29,330 --> 00:14:31,170
Maurice. Just Maurice.
320
00:14:31,210 --> 00:14:35,370
Can you imagine?!
Mm. Text message.
321
00:14:39,810 --> 00:14:42,010
Excuse me.
My answering service.
322
00:14:43,692 --> 00:14:47,492
My patient just... died.
323
00:14:50,914 --> 00:14:52,290
[chuckles]
324
00:14:52,770 --> 00:14:56,810
Oh, travel website.
Are we going somewhere?
325
00:14:56,890 --> 00:14:59,530
I'm thinking of taking Bert
to Nepal for a long weekend.
326
00:14:59,610 --> 00:15:01,330
Jackie's always wanted to do that.
327
00:15:01,370 --> 00:15:04,130
Okay. Now this is
getting crazy, all right?
328
00:15:04,170 --> 00:15:05,770
It's a tooth and a movie, okay?
329
00:15:05,810 --> 00:15:07,370
Let it go. Take the high road.
330
00:15:07,410 --> 00:15:09,290
I will take the high road...
to the low road.
331
00:15:09,370 --> 00:15:11,410
Hey, dream-killer.
332
00:15:11,490 --> 00:15:14,330
You take one of my milestones,
I take one of yours.
333
00:15:14,410 --> 00:15:15,730
Oh, is that how you want to play it?
334
00:15:15,810 --> 00:15:18,330
Because mommy's taking Bert
to the Lincoln memorial.
335
00:15:18,410 --> 00:15:21,530
Yeah? Well, daddy's gonna
take him to his first s?ance.
336
00:15:21,610 --> 00:15:23,450
Have fun with that, because Bert and I
337
00:15:23,530 --> 00:15:26,530
will be making it rain
at his first strip club.
338
00:15:26,610 --> 00:15:30,090
Guys, get over it, okay?
Just get over it.
339
00:15:30,130 --> 00:15:32,530
Pete, you got to watch a tooth
fall out, which you weirdly love.
340
00:15:32,570 --> 00:15:34,610
And, Jackie, you got to be
tooth fairy, which combines
341
00:15:34,611 --> 00:15:36,650
two of your passions of
magic spells and old bones.
342
00:15:36,730 --> 00:15:39,250
So, who cares if it
wasn't his real tooth?
343
00:15:39,330 --> 00:15:42,970
It wasn't my real tooth?!
What if the tooth fairy finds out?
344
00:15:43,050 --> 00:15:44,170
Warren: Thanks a lot, Kate.
345
00:15:44,250 --> 00:15:45,890
Allie just left because
you weirded her out.
346
00:15:45,970 --> 00:15:47,530
The tooth fairy's gonna hate me.
347
00:15:47,610 --> 00:15:50,471
And did you tell her that
you wanted to get with me?
348
00:15:51,490 --> 00:15:55,090
Way to go, guys.
This is some real top-notch parenting.
349
00:15:55,170 --> 00:15:56,850
[scoffs]
350
00:15:56,930 --> 00:16:01,800
- You want to get with Warren?
- [stammers] It's complicated.
351
00:16:10,680 --> 00:16:12,120
Hey, buddy, if you lie like that,
352
00:16:12,121 --> 00:16:14,280
all the blood's gonna
rush to your head.
353
00:16:14,360 --> 00:16:16,520
What about when you
lie to the tooth fairy?
354
00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:18,720
What happens then?
355
00:16:18,800 --> 00:16:22,320
Oh, Bertie-boo, sweetie, I promise
we're gonna find your tooth.
356
00:16:22,400 --> 00:16:23,667
What your mom means is that
357
00:16:23,727 --> 00:16:25,440
we promise
we're gonna try to find your tooth.
358
00:16:25,480 --> 00:16:26,840
- I swear it.
- Don't do that.
359
00:16:26,920 --> 00:16:29,800
- Okay, I swear it on your father's life.
- Much better.
360
00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:32,200
Hey.
I'm sorry I chased Allie away.
361
00:16:32,280 --> 00:16:35,775
It's fine. She just
wanted me for my brain.
362
00:16:36,394 --> 00:16:38,760
Wait. Is this Allie's sweatshirt?
363
00:16:38,840 --> 00:16:40,720
Yeah, she must have been
in such a rush to leave,
364
00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:43,160
- she left it here.
- Warren! [imitates brakes screeching]
365
00:16:43,200 --> 00:16:46,040
Hold up! Don't you see?
This is the classic leave-behind!
366
00:16:46,120 --> 00:16:47,920
- What does that mean?
- She wants you to get
367
00:16:47,921 --> 00:16:50,360
in touch with her, okay?
Girls don't forget things by accident.
368
00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:51,800
I'm tired of playing mind games.
369
00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:54,000
I feel like I've been playing
"connect four" all day long.
370
00:16:54,040 --> 00:16:56,520
No, Warren, it's not you
she doesn't like. It's me.
371
00:16:56,600 --> 00:16:57,840
- Here.
- Wait.
372
00:16:57,880 --> 00:17:00,499
"Hey, Allie.
How lame is my stepmom?
373
00:17:00,534 --> 00:17:02,368
- I have your hoodie."
- Wait. What are you doing?
374
00:17:02,403 --> 00:17:03,430
- No! I'm fixing it!
- Kate!
375
00:17:03,465 --> 00:17:05,214
No! "Let me know if U
want me 2 bring it to U."
376
00:17:05,272 --> 00:17:06,655
The "to" is a number,
the "you" is the letter.
377
00:17:06,705 --> 00:17:08,140
And now I'm sending a
snowflake that winks.
378
00:17:08,220 --> 00:17:09,540
Come on, Kate!
Give me my phone back!
379
00:17:09,620 --> 00:17:13,420
- No, no! Warren, trust me!
- Wha...!
380
00:17:13,460 --> 00:17:14,380
[knock on door]
381
00:17:14,420 --> 00:17:15,660
Uh... [clears throat]
382
00:17:16,700 --> 00:17:17,660
Come in.
383
00:17:20,700 --> 00:17:23,220
Hey.
384
00:17:23,300 --> 00:17:25,860
- Just checking up on you.
- Oh.
385
00:17:25,900 --> 00:17:28,380
Rachel drank some cider.
386
00:17:28,460 --> 00:17:31,140
Good.
She needs the calories.
387
00:17:31,180 --> 00:17:32,540
[chuckles]
388
00:17:32,620 --> 00:17:33,820
Are you girls having fun?
389
00:17:33,900 --> 00:17:36,540
Yeah.
But you aren't.
390
00:17:36,580 --> 00:17:38,300
Aw, that's okay.
391
00:17:38,380 --> 00:17:41,300
Tonight's not about me.
You're in high school.
392
00:17:41,380 --> 00:17:42,700
You should be able to have a sleepover
393
00:17:43,580 --> 00:17:46,420
with your friends and not your mom.
394
00:17:46,500 --> 00:17:49,820
- Okay? Go have fun.
- Okay.
395
00:17:49,860 --> 00:17:52,620
- Go on.
- Sorry.
396
00:17:55,860 --> 00:17:59,300
By the way, you were totally
right about that movie.
397
00:17:59,340 --> 00:18:02,340
I mean, who gets asphyxiated
and doesn't go into hypoxia?
398
00:18:02,420 --> 00:18:06,369
Well, sherpas.
But that's neither here nor there.
399
00:18:14,860 --> 00:18:17,380
Who taught you how
to do this, a raccoon?
400
00:18:17,460 --> 00:18:19,460
I can't believe you don't compost.
401
00:18:19,540 --> 00:18:22,540
I'm never gonna find it!
It's probably not even here.
402
00:18:22,620 --> 00:18:24,620
Yeah, you're right.
403
00:18:24,700 --> 00:18:27,300
Think it's time to tell him
the truth about the tooth fairy?
404
00:18:27,380 --> 00:18:30,460
No.
I'm not ready for him to grow up.
405
00:18:30,500 --> 00:18:33,020
Good. Me neither.
406
00:18:33,100 --> 00:18:34,540
How are we gonna find a tooth?
407
00:18:36,500 --> 00:18:39,020
This is Hillary's.
Please be careful with it.
408
00:18:39,100 --> 00:18:40,180
I love this tooth.
409
00:18:40,260 --> 00:18:42,740
Creepy weirdo.
What's the matter with you?
410
00:18:42,780 --> 00:18:45,300
[gasps]
Oh, this is perfect!
411
00:18:45,380 --> 00:18:48,580
Bert-o! We got it!
Let's ride!
412
00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:51,480
Kate: Just chill out. It's gonna happen.
413
00:18:51,520 --> 00:18:54,040
Warren: It's not gonna happen.
I told you not to touch it.
414
00:18:54,120 --> 00:18:56,160
Warren, trust me, I have
way more experience than you.
415
00:18:56,240 --> 00:18:57,520
[sighs]
416
00:18:57,560 --> 00:18:59,480
Seriously, what the hell's happening?
417
00:18:59,560 --> 00:19:02,640
- We're waiting for Allie to text back.
- She's never gonna.
418
00:19:02,720 --> 00:19:05,040
[sniffs]
Honey, you smell like trash.
419
00:19:05,120 --> 00:19:06,200
A little bit.
420
00:19:06,280 --> 00:19:08,120
[cellphone chimes]
Oh! You look. I can't.
421
00:19:08,200 --> 00:19:10,720
"K-k" ... ooh, double "k."
I love this chick.
422
00:19:10,800 --> 00:19:12,520
"Can you drop it off tonight?"
423
00:19:12,600 --> 00:19:15,440
- [gasps] Oh!
- It is on! Let's go.
424
00:19:15,520 --> 00:19:16,720
How do my bangs look?
425
00:19:16,800 --> 00:19:18,000
- Full Bieber.
- All right.
426
00:19:18,040 --> 00:19:20,640
Come on, babe.
Romance is in the air.
427
00:19:20,680 --> 00:19:22,600
What's happening?
What's a full Bieber?
428
00:19:22,680 --> 00:19:23,920
Really?
429
00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:26,960
[Indigo Girls' "Closer to fine" plays]
430
00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:28,360
[knock on door]
431
00:19:28,440 --> 00:19:29,800
I'm trying to tell you
something about my life
432
00:19:29,880 --> 00:19:32,040
- So...
- Shh, shh, shh, shh.
433
00:19:32,120 --> 00:19:37,200
- maybe give me insight between black and white
- Hey. You brought my hoodie.
434
00:19:37,280 --> 00:19:41,680
and the best thing
you've ever done for me
435
00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:44,280
is to help me take
my life less seriously
436
00:19:44,360 --> 00:19:45,880
[gasps]
437
00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:48,520
it's only life, after all
438
00:19:48,600 --> 00:19:51,799
- yeah
- Are you crying?
439
00:19:51,834 --> 00:19:54,939
- well, darkness has a hunger...
- Yeah. [chuckles]
440
00:19:54,974 --> 00:19:58,300
- Now you understand my box of teeth.
- No, I still think they're disgusting.
441
00:19:58,380 --> 00:20:01,500
- and lightness has a call that's hard to hear
- Yeah, of course, of course.
442
00:20:01,580 --> 00:20:06,060
- I wrap the fear around me like a blanket
- Pete: Wow.
443
00:20:06,140 --> 00:20:09,500
- I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it
- My man.
444
00:20:09,580 --> 00:20:12,758
- I'm crawling on your shore
- Yeah! Tell us everything.
445
00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:15,120
Um, well, she thanked me
for bringing back the hoodie,
446
00:20:15,200 --> 00:20:18,080
I kissed her, and then she
came out to me pretty hard.
447
00:20:18,160 --> 00:20:19,800
She came onto you pretty hard.
[chuckles]
448
00:20:19,840 --> 00:20:21,200
- Oh, I-is that how they say it?
- Yeah.
449
00:20:21,280 --> 00:20:23,240
Okay, well, anyway,
she told me she was gay.
450
00:20:23,280 --> 00:20:26,800
- closer I am to fine
- but [sighs] we're new best friends.
451
00:20:26,880 --> 00:20:27,920
yeah
452
00:20:28,000 --> 00:20:33,880
closer I am to fine
yeah
453
00:20:43,160 --> 00:20:47,440
the less I seek my source
and theess I seek my source for some definitive
454
00:20:47,520 --> 00:20:52,240
closer I am to fine
455
00:20:52,320 --> 00:20:57,080
closer I am to fine
456
00:20:57,160 --> 00:21:03,080
closer I am to fine
yeah
457
00:21:13,040 --> 00:21:16,440
[cellphone chimes]
458
00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:18,920
- Oh, wow!
- What is it?
459
00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:20,440
Mom just said she got a
goodnight kiss from Hillary
460
00:21:20,480 --> 00:21:22,440
and now she's sending me one.
461
00:21:22,480 --> 00:21:24,800
Check it.
She wrote "X-X-X."
462
00:21:24,880 --> 00:21:26,320
Three kisses from Mom.
463
00:21:26,400 --> 00:21:29,120
God, it's like I'm getting
kisses everywhere tonight.
464
00:21:29,200 --> 00:21:31,320
Allie, my Mom.
465
00:21:31,400 --> 00:21:32,920
Well, your Grandmother's
coming this weekend.
466
00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:34,360
I'll warn her.
467
00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:35,720
[chuckles]
468
00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:39,379
Don't hate the player, guys.
Hmm.
469
00:21:40,302 --> 00:21:42,723
470
00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:46,127
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471
00:21:46,177 --> 00:21:50,727
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