Original subtitles

Mm. Oh, the guy I'm playing scrabble with

wants me to take a picture of my feet. [cellphone chimes]

Okay. A little help with this thing? [sighs]

Oh, you're so needy! [scoffs]

Ugh. I'm counting this as my cardio for the week.

Hey. What's the weird virgin doing on the roof?

- Hey! - Ohh!

Oh!

Oh, god, this can't be good for my hernia.

- Kate saw me! - Then you got to jump now!

What the hell are you doing?

Aw, sweet. Are we doing roof dives?

Warren, get down here immediately!

[kids sigh]

You got it.

[water splashes]

[laughs]

- That was awesome! - Tell me you got that.

Oh, no! I wasn't ready!

Oh, don't worry. I got the whole thing, cutie.

Oh.

What? You know I'm a sucker for virgins.

1x12 - The Punisher

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sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ addic7ed.com ~

What you doing, calling daddy?

I'm just calling him to see what he thinks about my ideas...

That I already have up here in my head. [ringing]

Straight to voicemail. Whatever. I got this. [chuckles]

Not cool, you guys. Not... cool.

- Really, really uncool. - So, are we in trouble?

Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

So much trouble.

All right. So, what's our punishment?

Oh, oh, oh!

Oh, oh.

It is... really bad.

Are you sorry?

- Yeah. - Sure.

Good. Very good.

I want you to think about what you did.

I want you to think about it... hard.

We will.

[music]

Any chance that worked?

No, I think they actually have less respect for you now.

Uh-huh.

So, the good news is,

uh, Bert scored solidly in the middle of his achievement test.

The middle of the top, yeah.

- No. - The top of the top.

No, the middle of the middle... which is fine.

That's right where he's supposed to be. [chuckles]

Mm, you might want to recheck that, 'cause he's pretty bright.

- He's very bright. - He's brilliant.

Yeah, we'll look into it, for sure.

And there might be something you should look into.

I-I'm concerned that... Bert may be reacting

to some of the tension between you two.

- There is no tension. - If... anything, we're too close.

Bert may be seeing things differently.

Here's a family portrait he drew in art class.

[sighs]

I think it says it all.

Ohh! He wishes he had longer arms!

[TV chatter]

Are you two thinking about what you did earlier?

Wait, about what?

Shh. Can you guys keep it down?

We're trying to watch "House hunters international."

Oh, that one-bedroom in Amsterdam is redonk!

So, you're not thinking about what I told you to think about?

- No. Shh. - Oh, look at this toilet!

- Meg: Oh, my god. - Okay, fine. That's it. [TV turns off]

- Hey! They were gonna make an offer. - Hey! Hey.

You know what? You're both gonna be sorry.

'Cause guess who I'm calling? [dialing]

Pete's voicemail? [laughter]

Your mom. [laughter stops]

Here we go. It's ringing.

[ringing]

Diane: Hello. Kate?

Hi, Diane. Yeah, Warren jumped off the roof

into the pool, and Hillary filmed it.

You need to punish them. I'm gonna put you on speaker.

[beep]

- No, don't ... - Kate.

Yes. We're all here, Diane.

- You have the room. - Take me off speakerphone.

[beep]

Step out of the room.

It's okay, Diane. You're not on speaker anymore.

Step out.

- Could you just... - Yeah, I got it.

Goal-post arms.

Look, need to punish the kids, but I-I don't know how.

So I was just hoping

that maybe you could do it for me over the phone.

That's not how this is going to work. [hissing]

Maybe could you just text me the punishment,

and I'll show it to them

while you're busy getting what sounds like a spray tan.

Never mind what I'm getting. I'll be there when I'm dry.

You know, you really didn't have to come over.

I'm sure a strongly worded text would have done the trick.

- I doubt it. - Meg: That is a really nice tan.

Mine always come out streaky. Who's your girl?

- Janine at Cocoa Sun. - Ah. Does she take walk-ins?

- Use my name. - I will.

Good luck.

Enough chitchat. Where are they?

[door closes]

[TV chatter] Hey, guys, look who's here.

- Warren, Hillary, to your rooms. - Yes, ma'am.

[both muttering] [TV turns off]

- Hi, Mom. - Off you go.

- All right. - Hello.

To your room. That's right.

[door closes]

Kate... sit.

Okay, Kate, you can't keep calling me

every time you need to punish them.

This is something you need to learn how to do for yourself.

Yeah, but I don't want to punish them.

- I-I-I just want them to love me. - Oh.

- I mean, I want everyone to love me. - Mm-hmm.

'Cause it just makes me feel better about myself.

Stop. I don't have time to empathize.

Punishing is part of being a parent.

And thanks to Peter's inability to date casually...

that's something that you now are.

Yeah, but you're just so good at it.

- [chuckling] Oh. - You know, so you should just do it.

[chuckles] No, because I'm not always going to be here.

[sighing] Oh.

'Cause you're gonna die before me?

No. Because I have a job.

Oh. Yeah, right. Of course.

[school bell rings]

We're not bad parents. We don't badmouth each other.

Yeah! We definitely don't do that... around Bert...

- on purpose. - Maybe it would be good

for him to see us do something together...

- Hmm. - ...on purpose, not just drop-off and pickups.

Yeah. Ooh, ooh!

There's this new mini-golf course that he's dying to go to.

It's pirate-themed, and you know how he loves pirates.

Let's just get some ice cream. It's quick.

You're in, you lick, you're out.

Well, maybe you did a little more of that

during our marriage, we'd still be gether.

Okay.

- Hi! - Who's taking me home?

What would you think if we all did something together,

- Just the three of us? - Really?!

What is it?! What is it?!

Okay, guess.

Mini-golf!

Oh, my god! Mini-golf! Thanks!

Okay, here's a scenario.

I'm Hillary, and I've just broken curfew,

and there is the slight smell of mouthwash on my breath.

You're "a parent." Now, punish me. [snaps fingers]

Okay. You are in big, big trouble.

You're not my mom. Why should I listen to you?

Because I'm the adult.

[scoffing] Please, Kate, you're not an adult.

Look at what you're wearing.

Are you being you, or are you being Hillary?

I'm being Hillary. Now focus.

Okay, fine.

Well, you can't talk to me like that, young lady.

You're grounded.

Oh, please. I'm not taking punishment

from a grown-up who listens to Taylor Swift.

Okay, well, now I know that you're you, Diane.

You've mentioned that before.

Well, I'm staying in character! You have to stay tough.

The kids will try every angle they can.

Now go again.

You think you don't need to listen to me

because I'm the stepmom? Well, from now on,

you better think twice before you mess with me,

little miss perfect.

This is my house, all right?

Take your condescending attitude, your tangerine arms,

and shove them where they don't spray. Got it?

Are you speaking to me or Hillary?

Hillary. Role-playing.

I think you're ready.

Okay, sit down. Uh... stay.

- Oh, it is punishment time. - Whoa. Hey!

What did I do?

You jumped off the roof, and you filmed it,

which is why there will be no more screens

for the rest of the day.

Well, but ... but then I can't tweet!

What if something happened?

How are people supposed to know how I feel about it?

[mockingly] Whatever will they do?!

Kate, Kate, I-I need my alarm clock, okay?

- I need structure in my life! - I just punished all over this place.

[breathing heavily]

Wow. That was so thrilling.

Now I understand why you are the way you are.

Yes. It is a rush.

[sighs] But don't get ahead of yourself.

Enforcing the punishment is the hardest part.

- They will try to break you. - I'd like to see them try.

[instruments playing off-key]

- What the hell was that? - Good luck.

[gasps]

[instruments screeching]

[instruments playing off-key]

Oh! [chuckles] Hi, Kate. What's up?

- What are you doing? - Oh, you know, just jamming.

You took away our screens,

so we're just filling the void with some music.

Yeah, just... [sour note plays]

- Okay, guys. I get what you're doing. - I love that.

And let me just say, mad disrespect.

- Would you do this at your mom's? - Obviously not.

She doesn't allow noise before dinner.

If you're trying to break me, it's not gonna work.

I'm unbreakable, like Bruce Willis

or Samuel L. Jackson or whichever one is unbreakable

in that movie about that guy that's unbreakable.

- Oh! "Signs"! - Also, I've got these.

- Oh, is that play-doh? - Mm-hmm.

Don't mess with me!

"Yo-ho-ho!

"Here ye be at the first hole, 'dead man's bend.'

"Hit yer shot too hard, and you'll be walking the plank.

No outside food allowed. Restrooms not on premises."

Dad, that was great!

[chuckles] Wow. Okay, all right.

Go, Bert.

- All right, bud. - Okay, Bert!

- Easy. Fore. - Oh!

- Whoa! - Whoa!

Shiver me putters! Ya really cleaved that to the brisket!

Mom, that was even better than Dad's!

Oh! What?

It's ... I mean, it's not a competition, so...

Okay.

[whistles]

- Here we go. - Uh-huh.

No, wait, hold on. Hold on!

No! [Bert chuckles]

I didn't mean that. Do-over.

It's still moving. [gasps] Aah!

Hole in one!

Isn't Mom funny? [sighs]

All right, stop lollygagging. We got 17 more to go.

Yes, we do. [sighs]

- 105. - Hillary: 106.

- Whew! 107. - 100 and Kate.

"I'm not thinking very honorably,' Jack said.

Marley closed her eyes.

She could feel his hot breath on her neck.

Jack looked at her lustily."

[groans] "Motion granted."

What the heck?! That's not a screen!

You know you're not supposed to be reading

your dad's legal erotica, all right?

I know what you're doing, and it's not gonna work.

She thinks she's so clever.

Let's just see how clever she is when we find our stuff.

- Ha! - Hi, guys.

- Can I help you? - Uh, yeah!

We were just looking for our phones.

What?

Oh, really? Well, you're never gonna find them.

I am always gonna be one step ahead of you. [doorbell rings]

Hi!

Oh, hi, Helene.

Warren and Hillary told me you're interested in my charity,

"it's raining cats and dogs."

- Ohh. - I'm sure you're aware,

Gil and I have been spaying and neutering stray animals

in my garage, and we really need volunteers,

and you have such long fingers!

Oh. Well, I-I mean...

Obviously, this is a cause that means so much to me, but I ...

This is just gonna take an hour and a half.

Where should I put my easel? Hi!

- Hi! [chuckles] - Hi!

[sighs]

Have fun, you guys!

By-y-y-y-y-y-e!

Bye!

I will see you next Thursday!

- Hillary: Oh, I love her! - Warren: Aww, she's the best.

I'm giving both of you the silent treatment, starting now.

- Aw. - Nothing. Zip.

Kate?

- Come here. - No.

- Yeah. - No.

Okay.

[sighs] What are we doing?

- This is silly! - Yeah.

We can keep going all day, or we can end this now...

- We can. - ...like adults.

So, just give us back our phones...

and you won't see us the rest of the day.

Doesn't that sound nice?

[sighs] And listen... if you don't...

I'm going to have to bite off my toe wart.

[sighs] And we don't want that to happen, do we?

So, what's it gonna be, Kate?

[sighs]

We got her.

I guess I can tell you.

According to the MRI, you have a high likelihood of ...

[cellphone rings] Hold on.

- How's it going? - [sighing] Oh!

They're getting to me. They're testing me.

Warren's gonna eat a wart!

Stay strong.

If you just go about your business and ignore them,

you'll wear them down.

- Okay. [sighs] Okay. - Kate.

I believe in you.

In this particular case.

At this moment in time.

Thank you. [sighs]

H-high likelihood of what?

- What? - The ... my...

[gasps] Oh! [chuckles]

Of getting back up on the slopes again.

You are going to make a complete recovery.

Jackie: Okay! With one hole to go, the tally be...

Bert ... 68,

Dad ... oh, 44,

Mom ... 12! [scoffs]

Me thinks your mom be taking liberties with the keeping of the score.

Yar, but the point be not the score.

The point be family togetherness.

Yar! My turn.

- Okay, go, Bert! - Okay, bud.

[sighs]

Forgot what a nerd you are... nerd.

What a prison your life must be.

We should have done ice cream.

We would have been done 2 1/2 hours ago.

And you know what? You can't cheat at ice cream.

- Oh, frozen yogurt much? - Oh, you found a way.

[bell dinging]

Oh, my god! I got a hole in one!

Go get your prize, Bert!

[singsong voice] So we can get out of here.

"Free round. Good today only."

Come on, guys! Let's go! I've got nothing but time!

Back to one!

Ice cream.

Uh, where are you going?

To the toolshed to get an allen wrench.

Just going about my business.

- Uh, wait. [chuckles] what about our deal? - [chuckling] Yeah.

No dice. Warren, eat away.

Hillary, here! Happy reading.

[sighs]

This sucks.

[sighs]

["Pump up the jam" ringtone plays]

Pump, pump the jam, pump it up

- Wait. Do you hear that? - ile your feet are stomping

[gasps] It's Kate's phone.

- [gasps] I can text! - I can play games!

Wait, wait. Wait. Warren, I got it!

- Come on, come on, come on. - No, I ...

- I need to tweet! - Oh, you need to tweet?

You don't need to check the ... I need to check the ...

[gasps] Oh, shoot, Kate's coming!

Warren?!

It was either that or my pocket! I ...

Wow, your dad's shed is full of spider webs and thighmasters.

Ugh. All right.

[gasps] No, no! It builds supergerms.

- Yeah. Gross. [chuckles] - What's going on?

- Nothing. - Nothing.

It's fine.

- We'll just put it in some rice. - Yeah.

Ugh, this sink is not draining.

[disposal grinding]

[whimpering]

Yeah. We're gonna need a lot of rice.

[grinding continues] What is that?

[muffled "Pump up the jam" ringtone plays]

pump, pump the jam

pump it up

[distorted] # while your feet are stomping #

and the jam is pumping

[music fades, stops]

You little...

[bleep]

This is my [bleep] phone.

You two thankless [bleep]

smacking [bleep]

little [bleep]

kicking little [bleep]

[bleep]

and get your [bleep] smacking little

[bleep]

[breathing heavily]

[sighs]

Everybody...

to your rooms.

[sighs] God. [doors slam]

[inhales sharply]

Oh, what were you thinking, Kate?!

[sighs]

Okay, I need to call Pete.

[sighs] Not with this. Okay.

[beep] Hillary: It was crazy.

And, Mom, then Kate called us [bleep]

- multiple times. - Diane: I'll be right there.

[receiver clicks]

[doorbell rings]

- Mom, you should have heard her mouth. - She was so ...

Hillary, Warren, I'll speak with you in a moment.

- Kate... come with me. - Yeah. Okay.

[sighs] Come on. [sighs]

I'm... so sorry, Diane.

[loudly] You called my kids [bleep]

[bleep]

I know. I know. I screwed up!

Well, you certainly did.

And you clearly have a very strong command

of certain parts of the English language.

But those are things that you don't say out loud.

- You think them, okay? - Yeah.

I would have loved to have seen the look on their faces.

- Wait, so, you're not mad at me? - [chuckling] No.

They put you through the wringer, and you held tough.

So I'm so proud of you.

Why are you gesturing like a crazy person?

They're watching.

I have the peripheral vision of a hammerhead shark.

You can't afford to lose their respect.

[no audio]

Oh, wow. Mom's really giving it to her.

[sighs] Kate's screwed.

Now, that said, you need to find a balance

between being a complete pushover

and an out-of-control rage monster,

which you've been both. So find just a happy medium.

Now yell back at me.

- Well... - Mm-hmm?

Thank you, Diane.

[sighs]

I really appreciate all your support.

And I'm so sorry that I swore at your kids.

I... really think they're great, and... [gasps]

...even Hillary.

Wait. I think she just said my name. Go.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

Okay, now that I'm keeping score,

I have Bert at 62, I am at 49,

and Jackie is at 15 throws, 12 kicks, and 6 lost balls.

Hey, kid, hurry up.

- Don't talk to my son like that. - Shut up.

- Don't say "shut up." - Really?

Wow! "Shut up" is mean! Don't say that.

- Shut up. - Don't tell her to shut up.

I'm not saying "shut up." I'm telling her not to say it.

That's incredibly rude.

- What's going on over here? - [chuckles] They keep yelling at us.

"Yelling"? We're trying to teach these millennials some manners.

- Just let us play through. - No! Just "shut up."

I'm not telling her to shut up.

I'm just telling her not to say "shut up."

Ma'am, sir, if you keep harassing other golfers,

we'll have to make you walk the plank. That means ban you.

- Shut up! - Shut the hell up!

- Shut your trap! - Zip it!

Put your mouths together and have a shut party!

Okay, that's it!

Go to the parking lot without claiming your deposit.

- Aw. - Aw.

- Pete: That's too bad. - We're banned?

- Next time, we get ice cream? - Okay! I love ice cream.

- Keep in touch. - You know what flavor I want?

- What? - [grunting] Orange sherbet!

- Is he doing a pirate voice? - Don't even know.

Are you done? Okay.

- Thank you. - Mm-hmm!

Uh, Kate... sorry.

I was thinking of reading a book and going to sleep.

Sure.

[chuckles nervously]

- What's going on? - Just parenting.

Warren: Kate, uh...

sorry to interrupt, but I finished the nightstand.

And, um, I'm gonna go do my homework now, so...

[chuckles nervously] Yeah.

Not bad, right? [chuckles]

I'm starting to get the hang of it.

[glass shatters]

Very impressive.

"How does your client plead?

"Judge Anderson asked as he reached for his gavel.

'Aroused,' Sydney purred back."

It's just an early draft.

I-I don't know what it is. Is it a short story...

Trilogy? Maybe it's nothing. I don't know.

Uh, well, babe, I-I-I...

the name Jacob Esquire is a great pen name,

and I really appreciate... aspects of the title.

Great, great.

Uh, uh, thank you. Uh, you know what?

I'm gonna keep the title "the Magistrate's Lover,"

and I've got ... I ... already, I got new adventures...

[chuckles] ...coming to me.

[sighing] Ah. Let's see.

"The Magistrate..." [keyboard clacking]

...shivered beneath his robes.

I wonder if she can tell I'm naked under it."

Oh, yeah. That's good.

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