Original subtitles

...and many more.

Whoo! [laughs]

Whoo! Thank you, thank you.

And now my birthday is over.

Even though your birthday is tomorrow

- and this tradition is weird. - Early on in our relationship,

I told you about all the skeletons in my closet.

I have been married twice, I have three children...

Adorable children.

...my grandfather was a horse thief, and I hate my birthday.

Nobody likes getting older.

No, if only it was that simple, because my birthday is...

Together: Cursed!

This is such bull... poo. [gasps]

I have proof.

Something terrible always happens on my birthday.

When I was 7, I broke my arm. When I was 24,

I sold all my Apple shares so I could buy a bowflex.

Go ahead. Pick a number, any number.

- 36. - Mugged on an airport super shuttle.

- 8. - Fell off a cruise ship.

Uh, 92.

Okay, you clearly do not understand this game.

Trust me, something always goes wrong.

That's why now we celebrate the night before.

A little cake, a little singing ... done.

17.

Couldn't tell you. I was in a coma.

Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org

1x11 - The Big 5-0

sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ addic7ed.com ~

[dog barking] [humming]

Oh, hey!

Before you go, I just wanted to wish you

a very, very happy... Tuesday.

You get it, and I love you for that.

- Mm! - Mm! Bye.

Okay, he's gone. You got the goods?

Yeah. And I got Pete's birthday gift.

I got him some stuff to ease the transition

into his golden years... some adult diapers,

some denture cream and metamucil.

Ha ha ha. Meg, he's 50, not 70, okay?

Take it away. Oh, actually, we can use

- this non-slip shower mat. - See?

Oh! Thanks for this.

What's with all the cloak and dagger?

Um, Pete thinks his birthday is cursed

and won't let me do anything nice, so it has to be a surprise.

Well, go easy on the surprise,

- you know, for his ... for his ticker. - Meg, stop it.

50 is the new 40 and 40 is the new 30

and I'm 30 so basically we're both 30.

I have an awesome day planned for us full of fun, young, sexy stuff.

Wow. Okay. Somebody's defensive.

I will just do my grocery shopping and say my goodbyes.

Fine.

We're young and cool, Meg.

Yep. Oh, you're almost out of eggs.

You're out of eggs.

- How are you feeling today? - Why? Are you a Doctor?

No. But I've seen every episode of "House."

[door opens]

Oh. Oh, hey!

Our social security numbers are three digits apart.

Everyone, eyes up here.

Disregard everything that this woman has said to

or prescribed for you. Jackie, come with me.

Okay. Twist my arm. And then set it back. [chuckles]

It's just a little bit of orthopedic-surgeon humor.

Jackie...

[door slams]

All right, let's make this quick.

I'm double parked behind an ambulance.

How much do I owe you for the kids' gift to Peter?

It was $225, but since you have two kids

and Bert's so little, you owe two-hundo and I owe $25.

What did the kids pick out that was so expensive?

- Wind chimes. - The kids picked out wind chimes?

Well, I mean, I had to help them.

They were gonna get him football tickets and I was like, "50-yard line?

- That seems pretty far back." - I'm not contributing to wind chimes.

These are top-of-the-line chimes, okay?

They're like a non-stop eargasm.

- Return them. [sighs] - Sorry, D.

No can do. It's too late for that.

- They're handcrafted, non-refundable. - Nothing is non-refundable.

- Well ... - Betsy?

Betsy: Yes?

Have Dr. Godowsky take my 10:30. I'll be back before lunch.

Betsy, I'll be with Diane. Breaker, breaker, Jackie out.

[doorbell rings]

Package for Peter Harrison.

Oh, I'm his heir. I can sign for it.

Here. I got it. Thank you.

- All right. - "Perishable."

- I wonder what it is. - Let's open it.

- I don't want it to perish. - Okay.

[door closes]

There's a card.

[clears throat]

"Dear Peter, thanks for keeping us out of hot water with the EPA,

but feel free to put these in hot water. Ha ha."

[gasps] Lobsters! I love lobsters.

You can mail things from the ocean?!

Okay, guys. We're gonna be late. Lobster time after school.

Let's send someone a shark!

I don't think you can do that, buddy.

- Colleen: Mr. Harrison? - Hmm?

There's a representative from the Department of Justice here.

Geez!

Just kidding. It's your wife.

[sighs] Colleen, what the hell? Send her in.

Oh, yes, sir.

Hey, there, sexy ass.

I'm here to take you away and blow your ...

Great, great, uh, colleagues, this is my wife.

Wife, this is some colleagues.

Hey, um, so... it's really windy out.

- Blowing. - It's blowing like crazy.

[bell jingles]

[clanging]

- Hi, Jackie. The usual? - Oh, you know it.

One scorpion honey tea coming right up.

- Just give me 40 minutes. - Thanks, Juniper.

Hi. We'd like to return this set of chimes

- that Jackie accidentally purchased. - Oh, well, I didn't...

[clanging]

Here you go. All for you.

I am so sorry, but that item is non-refundable

once it's been exposed to the elements.

Oh, all right. Well, but ...

I'd like to speak to your manager immediately.

We don't believe in titles here. Everyone's equal.

Well, then, I'd like to speak with someone else.

- Heaven? - Blessed be the day.

Okay, I'll keep speaking to you. Give us her money back.

- Excuse me, uh, I've been waiting. - Yes, how can I help you, Carly?

I've been so patchy lately.

Do you have anything to minimize excess lizard spirit?

You don't have excess lizard spirit. You have eczema.

Put some cortisone cream on it. Do you know where to find it?

Anywhere ... except this house of nonsense.

Now, give me my money back, moon unit.

Thought we had an agreement.

You're 50, Pete. It's a big deal.

Birthdays are important. It's a celebration of your life,

and you're my husband and I want to celebrate your life

in a fun, young, hip, fun way.

That's what the curse wants. The curse feeds on fun.

Okay, enough with the curse. Time for the fun, all right?

This is phase one. We're gonna pick up phase two,

and then we're gonna drive to phase three.

- What happens at phase three? - The coat comes off.

- And there's nothing underneath it. - Oh, really?

Mm-hmm.

[thud]

Which phase is this?

- License and registration. - Officer, we are so sorry.

It's his birthday and I was taking him to lunch.

It is your birthday.

That explains why your license is expired.

Of course it is. I would expect nothing less.

Just tell me what to do.

Well, normally I'd haul you out of the car,

throw you in the back seat to scare the crap out of you,

and fine you 1,000 bucks,

but since it's your birthday,

I'm just gonna send you to the DMV to get this renewed immediately.

And then you can have a nice birthday lunch

- with your daughter. - My... daughter?

Just listen to the nice officer... dad.

I still think we could have found him something else

- at Open Lotus. - Yes, you said that several times.

Let's just get him what everyone over the age of 9 wants ...

a gift certificate. [bell dings]

Jackie, how you doing, lady?

Hey, Ron. Not as fine as you. Whoo-whee.

Is there nowhere that you are anonymous?

Huh? Oh. Ron, this is my friend Diane.

And we would like one gift certificate for a massage.

Absolutely. Uh, but first,

we're also offering a special promotion today.

Can I interest you ladies in one of our signature massages?

- Oh ... - Thank you, no.

I don't like massages. They break my concentration.

Diane! Who needs a massage more than you?

- Ooh, yep. - Mm-hmm.

Right there. Stiff as a corpse.

Come on. It's Pete's 50th. We deserve a massage.

- We helped get him here. - I did catch that mole.

- She did. - Okay.

- Oh, so, do you have this? You got this? - Of course I have it, Jackie.

- Okay, cool. - Don't pretend.

Um, I think there's been a mistake. We wanted separate rooms.

The special is for a couple's massage.

Well, we're a couple... of babes.

Jackie, how are you okay with this? Is every day like this for you ...

Screw up, misunderstanding, screw up, misunderstanding?

Come on! If ... if plush robes and free slippers are

a screw up, then I hope I never get anything right.

Uh, excuse me. Massages are traditionally silent, correct?

- Yes. - Oh. Okay.

- Shh. Okay, we'll be ... - Okay.

- Let's get squeezy! - Shh!

I am very knotty ... and I mean that both ways.

Bring the pain, Oksana.

We're home, lobsters!

[chuckles]

We've been robbed! And they only stole our lobsters.

Warren, did you put the lid on tight?

Um, I'm gonna go ahead and guess no.

Okay. Guys, split up.

They've got to be here somewhere

and I'm not losing Dad's birthday gift.

[grunts]

- What are you doing? - You've got to think like a lobster.

- That's not ... - [gasps] Bingo.

Well, look on the bright side.

You get to have a new license picture without that soul patch on it.

Had it for two weeks. Haunted me for 10 years.

- And then back to birthday. - Let's just get this over with.

Hi, I need to renew my driver's license.

You need to renew your manners. You just cut in front of 60 people.

Oh, sorry. I-I ... I didn't realize.

First you need a number.

To your right is the line to get a number.

After you have that number, you may enter the line for forms,

and when you have a form, you may wait for your number to be called.

Oh, well, you see, sir, we're kind of in a hurry.

Oh, really? That's so unusual.

Most people come here to kill time. Now serving A7!

- Seems nice. - Yeah.

You know what? Why don't you just go home?

I've had a great phase one.

Just the idea of phase three makes me really happy.

So, we can just call it a day.

No, no, no. We're doing this, okay?

While you wait here, I'll go get phase two.

- I love you. Mwah! - I love you.

She ain't never coming back.

Mmm!

Is the pressure okay?

Ohh! Yeah. Yeah.

I just ... ooh, I feel the tension just dripping out of my ...

Ooh! ... pores!

- Can you actually go harder? - I'm trying.

Your muscles feel like... commercial fishing net.

Well, your lack of strength isn't my fault.

Ah, now you're gonna be mean to her, too.

- What are you talking about? - Well, you weren't very nice

to Carly and Juniper and ... ohh! That's the spot ... heaven.

Well, I got our money back, didn't I?

Yeah, but you didn't have to be so nasty about it.

I mean, don't you know that old expression

that you catch more flies with honey than by being a total bitch?

- I am not a bitch. - Then you need to relax.

When I relax, people die.

Why don't we just calm down and lie back?

Why? So you can continue giving me a half-ass massage?

Usually I get a massage after I've been kicked out of someplace.

Now I don't know where to go.

Well, maybe someplace where everyone isn't so sensitive.

Oh, yeah. It was so weird how she was so sensitive

after you called her a jelly-fingered pile of manure.

Well, she needed to know there was room for improvement.

She is clearly surrounded by "yes" men.

Well, what about earlier?

- Y-you mean at the ninny hut? - Yes. You were so rude!

- Well, I was in a rush. - Oh, I know, Diane,

'cause you're a Doctor and Juniper is just a shaman/healer.

- Mm-hmm. - She's my friend.

- Well, but she was not acting ... - Yeah, but ... but ...

- but she's my friend. - I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to offend your friend.

- But what's done is done. - No, Diane.

In a new-age community, what's done is never done.

It may not have even happened.

- Now serving J-124. - Hello again. [chuckles]

Uh, license renewal. Organ donor.

Just read it over. Sign here.

Whoa. Whoa. Dude? Whoa. Oh, ho.

I do not see a corrective-lens restriction

on your driver's license.

Oh, the... these are just for reading.

Like reading speed limits, school crossings, yield signs?

I can see shapes.

If you need glasses to read, you need glasses to drive.

- I don't need glasses to drive. - Stop raising your voice.

I'm not raising my voice.

[sternly] Sir, I am asking you to calm down.

I wasn't raising my voice.

What is that? What did you do? Did I just pass?

You're taking the road test. That line is over there.

Thank god we found them all before dinner.

Oh, wait. There's only four lobsters and five of us.

Yeah, well, Kate doesn't get one.

- She's new. She can eat cereal. - We are going to eat the lobsters?!

Yeah, Bert. What did you, uh ... what'd you think the bibs were for?

- [chuckles] Duh. - I thought they were lobster capes!

- Aww, Bert. - First, we boil them, crack them open.

And then dip their sweet, sweet flesh in butter.

Ooh, let's cook them now and surprise Dad.

- Yeah! Yeah! Great idea! - You're not eating my pets!

- Petter Harsion? - Peter Harrison, yeah.

- Do you have your vehicle? - Uh, no, actually, my wife has it.

But she's gonna pull up here in a second.

Back of the line.

Come on, man. Please? It's my birthday.

A-and it's ... it's been terrible. It's always terrible.

Everything sucks, and it only gets worse.

I'm telling you, man. I am cursed.

[engine revving loudly]

Whoo! Happy birthday, baby!

This is phase two!

- Yeah. Real cursed. - Hi. [laughs]

I'm not a hooker.

[tires screech]

Good! How'd it go, babe?

Great! Just taking a leisurely drive in my rented Ferrari

with a government official judging my every move.

One last judgment. I need you to parallel park.

It's Los Angeles. We valet.

Babe, you got this. Just dive right into it.

Oh!

[tires squeal] There you go.

Just think of it as a million Priuses! Yeah!

Okay, easy.

Stop! Stop!

Whew!

- Ta-da. - You failed.

- Can I pay you? - That's bribery.

- You don't have a number? - I like your wife.

That's ... that's not gonna happen.

Bert: If you're here for the lobsters, forget it!

Oh, no.

We just felt bad, so we decided to make your favorite,

a B.L.T.

With extra "B," just the way you like it.

So, I wanted to apologize for my behavior earlier.

I was rude.

- And nasty. - Just rude.

Thank you. Yeah, I had dreamt of this.

We've only been gone a few hours.

- I took a nap. - What were you so tired from?

- Blessed be the day. - I'll make you some tea.

- Okay, are you happy? - I am so proud of you, Diane!

Oh, my god! We never got the gift certificate.

- Oh! - What are we going to get him?

- Um, we could go to the mall. - It's rush hour.

- How about some chimes? - Peter does hate wind chimes.

[engine revving]

Whoo-hoo!

Oh, wow! This is fun!

I mean, really hard to drive.

But, babe, look! We're here! Phase three, rustique.

This hotel has two bars. One of them only serves water.

- How cool is that? - Honey, I just want to go home.

No. It's your birthday. We're here to have fun!

- Why is this so important to you? - You're turning 50. 50!

That's half of 100, okay? So stop fighting it.

Stop freaking out about it. Just accept it, and let's go have fun.

I'm fine with 50. I'm accepting it.

- Are you accepting it? - Yes! I'm accepting it!

You're the one who's not accepting it.

- Really? - Yeah!

Trench coat, Ferrari, super-trendy hotel with a water bar?

Are you having my mid-life crisis?

[crying]

Oh, it's just ... it's so weird, you know?

I-I love going to bed early and getting up early.

And ... and ... and ... and drinking at home.

- And I love pyjama pants! - Who doesn't?

I know! I should be out dancing and ...

and staying up until 3:00 in the morning!

- Is that what you want? - No!

So, you're uncomfortable being too comfortable getting older?

Yes!

Let's do this.

Let's go party our asses off. Let's go.

[laughs]

[groans]

Hey. All yours.

We're gonna rage all night long.

[loud music blaring]

- Oh, my god. - So loud!

How do people talk in there?

I think that deejay was two people in one shirt.

[keys jingle] Thank you.

Mmm. Delish.

- So, you'll eat bacon, but not lobster? - Lobsters are alive.

Bacon just comes from that weird slimy bag.

Well, Bert, you know "Charlotte's web"?

- Yeah. - You know how the spider saves the pig?

- Yeah. - You know what she saves him from?

- Oh, no. - Yep.

From being delicious, crispy bacon.

Then I'll just eat fish sticks.

[scoffs]

"Finding Nemo"? More like eating Nemo.

- [gasps] Yeah. - Hamburgers?

The cow jumped over the moon... and into the meat grinder.

Mm. That's right, Bert.

You've eaten everything that's ever been on your pyjamas.

- Happy birthday, baby. - This is a happy medium.

One drink here, in bed by 9:00. Maybe stop at Paco's tacos.

[coin clinks]

[Bragg & Wilco's "California Stars" plays]

I'd like to rest my heavy head tonight

Come here.

on a bed of California stars

I want to dance with my wife on my birthday.

I'd like to lay my weary bones tonight

on a bed of California stars

[gasps] Aah!

Oh, my god.

It's the curse.

We're never celebrating your birthday again.

It's my birthday. It's cursed.

- Salami? - A pig.

- Roast beef? - A cow.

- Gyros? - A lamb.

- Chicken nuggets? - Uh, chicken.

- Wait, what about hot dogs? - Turkey or beef.

[sighs]

- Bologna? - Nobody knows.

I'll eat Bologna!

[chimes ringing]

Sounds like it's gonna be another windy one.

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