Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,652 --> 00:00:04,552
...and many more.
2
00:00:04,586 --> 00:00:06,021
Whoo!
[laughs]
3
00:00:06,055 --> 00:00:08,190
Whoo!
Thank you, thank you.
4
00:00:08,224 --> 00:00:10,425
And now my birthday is over.
5
00:00:10,459 --> 00:00:12,460
Even though your birthday is tomorrow
6
00:00:12,494 --> 00:00:15,663
- and this tradition is weird.
- Early on in our relationship,
7
00:00:15,698 --> 00:00:18,199
I told you about all the
skeletons in my closet.
8
00:00:18,233 --> 00:00:21,703
I have been married twice,
I have three children...
9
00:00:21,737 --> 00:00:23,371
Adorable children.
10
00:00:23,405 --> 00:00:27,007
...my grandfather was a horse
thief, and I hate my birthday.
11
00:00:27,042 --> 00:00:28,642
Nobody likes getting older.
12
00:00:28,676 --> 00:00:32,379
No, if only it was that simple,
because my birthday is...
13
00:00:32,413 --> 00:00:33,981
Together: Cursed!
14
00:00:34,015 --> 00:00:38,018
This is such bull...
poo. [gasps]
15
00:00:38,053 --> 00:00:39,253
I have proof.
16
00:00:39,287 --> 00:00:41,521
Something terrible always
happens on my birthday.
17
00:00:41,556 --> 00:00:44,658
When I was 7, I broke my arm.
When I was 24,
18
00:00:44,692 --> 00:00:47,293
I sold all my Apple shares
so I could buy a bowflex.
19
00:00:47,328 --> 00:00:49,663
Go ahead.
Pick a number, any number.
20
00:00:49,697 --> 00:00:53,633
- 36.
- Mugged on an airport super shuttle.
21
00:00:53,668 --> 00:00:55,836
- 8.
- Fell off a cruise ship.
22
00:00:55,870 --> 00:00:57,003
Uh, 92.
23
00:00:57,037 --> 00:00:59,873
Okay, you clearly do
not understand this game.
24
00:00:59,907 --> 00:01:02,275
Trust me,
something always goes wrong.
25
00:01:02,309 --> 00:01:05,011
That's why now we
celebrate the night before.
26
00:01:05,045 --> 00:01:07,146
A little cake, a
little singing ... done.
27
00:01:07,181 --> 00:01:08,748
17.
28
00:01:08,782 --> 00:01:11,650
Couldn't tell you.
I was in a coma.
29
00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:15,074
Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org
30
00:01:21,141 --> 00:01:23,766
1x11 - The Big 5-0
31
00:01:23,841 --> 00:01:25,735
sync & correction by f1nc0
~ addic7ed.com ~
32
00:01:25,965 --> 00:01:28,668
[dog barking]
[humming]
33
00:01:28,702 --> 00:01:30,403
Oh, hey!
34
00:01:30,437 --> 00:01:32,604
Before you go,
I just wanted to wish you
35
00:01:32,638 --> 00:01:36,175
a very, very happy... Tuesday.
36
00:01:36,209 --> 00:01:37,943
You get it, and I love you for that.
37
00:01:37,977 --> 00:01:41,847
- Mm!
- Mm! Bye.
38
00:01:46,286 --> 00:01:48,153
Okay, he's gone.
You got the goods?
39
00:01:48,188 --> 00:01:51,723
Yeah.
And I got Pete's birthday gift.
40
00:01:51,757 --> 00:01:54,526
I got him some stuff
to ease the transition
41
00:01:54,560 --> 00:01:57,395
into his golden years...
some adult diapers,
42
00:01:57,430 --> 00:01:59,664
some denture cream and metamucil.
43
00:01:59,699 --> 00:02:02,200
Ha ha ha.
Meg, he's 50, not 70, okay?
44
00:02:02,234 --> 00:02:04,486
Take it away.
Oh, actually, we can use
45
00:02:04,487 --> 00:02:06,838
- this non-slip shower mat.
- See?
46
00:02:06,872 --> 00:02:08,372
Oh! Thanks for this.
47
00:02:08,406 --> 00:02:11,242
What's with all the cloak and dagger?
48
00:02:11,276 --> 00:02:13,211
Um, Pete thinks his birthday is cursed
49
00:02:13,245 --> 00:02:16,513
and won't let me do anything nice,
so it has to be a surprise.
50
00:02:16,548 --> 00:02:18,316
Well, go easy on the surprise,
51
00:02:18,350 --> 00:02:21,252
- you know, for his ... for his ticker.
- Meg, stop it.
52
00:02:21,286 --> 00:02:23,153
50 is the new 40
and 40 is the new 30
53
00:02:23,187 --> 00:02:25,121
and I'm 30
so basically we're both 30.
54
00:02:25,156 --> 00:02:29,192
I have an awesome day planned for us
full of fun, young, sexy stuff.
55
00:02:29,227 --> 00:02:32,363
Wow. Okay.
Somebody's defensive.
56
00:02:32,397 --> 00:02:35,699
I will just do my grocery
shopping and say my goodbyes.
57
00:02:35,734 --> 00:02:37,968
Fine.
58
00:02:38,002 --> 00:02:41,338
We're young and cool, Meg.
59
00:02:41,372 --> 00:02:43,874
Yep.
Oh, you're almost out of eggs.
60
00:02:43,908 --> 00:02:46,209
You're out of eggs.
61
00:02:48,512 --> 00:02:52,815
- How are you feeling today?
- Why? Are you a Doctor?
62
00:02:52,850 --> 00:02:55,818
No. But I've seen every
episode of "House."
63
00:02:55,853 --> 00:02:57,587
[door opens]
64
00:02:57,621 --> 00:03:00,256
Oh.
Oh, hey!
65
00:03:00,290 --> 00:03:03,058
Our social security numbers
are three digits apart.
66
00:03:03,093 --> 00:03:04,694
Everyone, eyes up here.
67
00:03:04,728 --> 00:03:07,663
Disregard everything that
this woman has said to
68
00:03:07,698 --> 00:03:10,767
or prescribed for you.
Jackie, come with me.
69
00:03:10,801 --> 00:03:14,203
Okay. Twist my arm.
And then set it back. [chuckles]
70
00:03:14,237 --> 00:03:17,106
It's just a little bit of
orthopedic-surgeon humor.
71
00:03:17,140 --> 00:03:18,573
Jackie...
72
00:03:18,608 --> 00:03:19,574
[door slams]
73
00:03:19,609 --> 00:03:20,876
All right, let's make this quick.
74
00:03:20,911 --> 00:03:22,677
I'm double parked behind an ambulance.
75
00:03:22,712 --> 00:03:25,281
How much do I owe you for
the kids' gift to Peter?
76
00:03:25,315 --> 00:03:28,082
It was $225,
but since you have two kids
77
00:03:28,117 --> 00:03:31,686
and Bert's so little, you
owe two-hundo and I owe $25.
78
00:03:34,023 --> 00:03:36,691
What did the kids pick
out that was so expensive?
79
00:03:36,726 --> 00:03:39,561
- Wind chimes.
- The kids picked out wind chimes?
80
00:03:39,595 --> 00:03:41,229
Well, I mean, I had to help them.
81
00:03:41,263 --> 00:03:45,433
They were gonna get him football tickets
and I was like, "50-yard line?
82
00:03:45,467 --> 00:03:49,203
- That seems pretty far back."
- I'm not contributing to wind chimes.
83
00:03:49,238 --> 00:03:52,106
These are top-of-the-line
chimes, okay?
84
00:03:52,141 --> 00:03:54,575
They're like a non-stop eargasm.
85
00:03:54,609 --> 00:03:56,945
- Return them. [sighs]
- Sorry, D.
86
00:03:56,979 --> 00:03:59,480
No can do.
It's too late for that.
87
00:03:59,514 --> 00:04:03,784
- They're handcrafted, non-refundable.
- Nothing is non-refundable.
88
00:04:03,819 --> 00:04:05,018
- Well ...
- Betsy?
89
00:04:05,053 --> 00:04:06,153
Betsy: Yes?
90
00:04:06,187 --> 00:04:08,923
Have Dr. Godowsky take my 10:30.
I'll be back before lunch.
91
00:04:08,957 --> 00:04:13,761
Betsy, I'll be with Diane.
Breaker, breaker, Jackie out.
92
00:04:13,795 --> 00:04:14,962
[doorbell rings]
93
00:04:14,996 --> 00:04:16,263
Package for Peter Harrison.
94
00:04:16,297 --> 00:04:18,898
Oh, I'm his heir.
I can sign for it.
95
00:04:18,933 --> 00:04:21,101
Here. I got it.
Thank you.
96
00:04:21,135 --> 00:04:23,170
- All right.
- "Perishable."
97
00:04:23,204 --> 00:04:25,305
- I wonder what it is.
- Let's open it.
98
00:04:25,306 --> 00:04:26,906
- I don't want it to perish.
- Okay.
99
00:04:26,941 --> 00:04:27,907
[door closes]
100
00:04:27,942 --> 00:04:29,509
There's a card.
101
00:04:29,543 --> 00:04:31,378
[clears throat]
102
00:04:31,412 --> 00:04:35,247
"Dear Peter, thanks for keeping us
out of hot water with the EPA,
103
00:04:35,282 --> 00:04:39,352
but feel free to put
these in hot water. Ha ha."
104
00:04:39,386 --> 00:04:43,055
[gasps] Lobsters!
I love lobsters.
105
00:04:43,090 --> 00:04:45,458
You can mail things from the ocean?!
106
00:04:45,493 --> 00:04:47,760
Okay, guys. We're gonna be late.
Lobster time after school.
107
00:04:47,795 --> 00:04:49,596
Let's send someone a shark!
108
00:04:49,630 --> 00:04:52,164
I don't think you can do that, buddy.
109
00:04:55,202 --> 00:04:57,136
- Colleen: Mr. Harrison?
- Hmm?
110
00:04:57,170 --> 00:04:59,705
There's a representative from
the Department of Justice here.
111
00:04:59,739 --> 00:05:01,573
Geez!
112
00:05:09,716 --> 00:05:11,817
Just kidding. It's your wife.
113
00:05:11,851 --> 00:05:13,886
[sighs] Colleen, what the hell?
Send her in.
114
00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:14,887
Oh, yes, sir.
115
00:05:14,921 --> 00:05:17,789
Hey, there, sexy ass.
116
00:05:17,824 --> 00:05:19,825
I'm here to take you
away and blow your ...
117
00:05:19,859 --> 00:05:21,894
Great, great, uh,
colleagues, this is my wife.
118
00:05:21,928 --> 00:05:23,728
Wife, this is some colleagues.
119
00:05:23,762 --> 00:05:29,867
Hey, um, so...
it's really windy out.
120
00:05:29,902 --> 00:05:32,603
- Blowing.
- It's blowing like crazy.
121
00:05:33,605 --> 00:05:35,907
[bell jingles]
122
00:05:35,941 --> 00:05:38,243
[clanging]
123
00:05:38,277 --> 00:05:42,479
- Hi, Jackie. The usual?
- Oh, you know it.
124
00:05:42,514 --> 00:05:44,815
One scorpion honey tea coming right up.
125
00:05:44,850 --> 00:05:47,217
- Just give me 40 minutes.
- Thanks, Juniper.
126
00:05:47,252 --> 00:05:51,022
Hi. We'd like to return
this set of chimes
127
00:05:51,056 --> 00:05:55,325
- that Jackie accidentally purchased.
- Oh, well, I didn't...
128
00:05:55,360 --> 00:05:57,194
[clanging]
129
00:05:57,228 --> 00:06:00,497
Here you go.
All for you.
130
00:06:03,701 --> 00:06:09,073
I am so sorry, but that
item is non-refundable
131
00:06:09,107 --> 00:06:11,007
once it's been exposed
to the elements.
132
00:06:11,042 --> 00:06:12,376
Oh, all right. Well, but ...
133
00:06:12,410 --> 00:06:16,846
I'd like to speak to
your manager immediately.
134
00:06:16,881 --> 00:06:20,050
We don't believe in titles here.
Everyone's equal.
135
00:06:20,084 --> 00:06:22,118
Well, then, I'd like to
speak with someone else.
136
00:06:22,152 --> 00:06:26,192
- Heaven?
- Blessed be the day.
137
00:06:26,227 --> 00:06:28,925
Okay, I'll keep speaking to you.
Give us her money back.
138
00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:32,695
- Excuse me, uh, I've been waiting.
- Yes, how can I help you, Carly?
139
00:06:32,729 --> 00:06:34,430
I've been so patchy lately.
140
00:06:34,465 --> 00:06:37,700
Do you have anything to
minimize excess lizard spirit?
141
00:06:37,734 --> 00:06:43,272
You don't have excess lizard spirit.
You have eczema.
142
00:06:43,307 --> 00:06:45,874
Put some cortisone cream on it.
Do you know where to find it?
143
00:06:45,909 --> 00:06:47,509
Anywhere ... except
this house of nonsense.
144
00:06:47,543 --> 00:06:50,713
Now, give me my money back,
moon unit.
145
00:06:50,747 --> 00:06:52,948
Thought we had an agreement.
146
00:06:52,983 --> 00:06:55,818
You're 50, Pete.
It's a big deal.
147
00:06:55,852 --> 00:06:59,121
Birthdays are important.
It's a celebration of your life,
148
00:06:59,155 --> 00:07:01,389
and you're my husband and I
want to celebrate your life
149
00:07:01,424 --> 00:07:05,160
in a fun, young, hip, fun way.
150
00:07:05,194 --> 00:07:08,096
That's what the curse wants.
The curse feeds on fun.
151
00:07:08,131 --> 00:07:11,433
Okay, enough with the curse.
Time for the fun, all right?
152
00:07:11,467 --> 00:07:14,169
This is phase one.
We're gonna pick up phase two,
153
00:07:14,203 --> 00:07:15,903
and then we're gonna
drive to phase three.
154
00:07:15,938 --> 00:07:19,674
- What happens at phase three?
- The coat comes off.
155
00:07:19,708 --> 00:07:23,444
- And there's nothing underneath it.
- Oh, really?
156
00:07:23,478 --> 00:07:24,646
Mm-hmm.
157
00:07:25,340 --> 00:07:26,575
[thud]
158
00:07:28,517 --> 00:07:30,451
Which phase is this?
159
00:07:38,779 --> 00:07:42,581
- License and registration.
- Officer, we are so sorry.
160
00:07:42,616 --> 00:07:44,950
It's his birthday and I
was taking him to lunch.
161
00:07:44,984 --> 00:07:46,352
It is your birthday.
162
00:07:46,386 --> 00:07:48,887
That explains why your
license is expired.
163
00:07:48,922 --> 00:07:51,589
Of course it is. I would
expect nothing less.
164
00:07:51,624 --> 00:07:53,025
Just tell me what to do.
165
00:07:53,059 --> 00:07:54,459
Well, normally I'd
haul you out of the car,
166
00:07:54,493 --> 00:07:56,228
throw you in the back seat
to scare the crap out of you,
167
00:07:56,262 --> 00:07:57,395
and fine you 1,000 bucks,
168
00:07:57,430 --> 00:07:59,231
but since it's your birthday,
169
00:07:59,265 --> 00:08:02,634
I'm just gonna send you to the DMV
to get this renewed immediately.
170
00:08:02,668 --> 00:08:04,636
And then you can have
a nice birthday lunch
171
00:08:04,670 --> 00:08:07,104
- with your daughter.
- My... daughter?
172
00:08:07,139 --> 00:08:11,075
Just listen to the nice officer... dad.
173
00:08:14,880 --> 00:08:17,248
I still think we could have
found him something else
174
00:08:17,282 --> 00:08:20,251
- at Open Lotus.
- Yes, you said that several times.
175
00:08:20,285 --> 00:08:23,487
Let's just get him what everyone
over the age of 9 wants ...
176
00:08:23,521 --> 00:08:26,523
a gift certificate.
[bell dings]
177
00:08:26,558 --> 00:08:28,826
Jackie, how you doing, lady?
178
00:08:28,861 --> 00:08:32,129
Hey, Ron. Not as fine as you.
Whoo-whee.
179
00:08:32,164 --> 00:08:34,465
Is there nowhere that you are anonymous?
180
00:08:34,499 --> 00:08:38,035
Huh? Oh.
Ron, this is my friend Diane.
181
00:08:38,070 --> 00:08:41,472
And we would like one gift
certificate for a massage.
182
00:08:41,506 --> 00:08:43,707
Absolutely.
Uh, but first,
183
00:08:43,742 --> 00:08:45,509
we're also offering a
special promotion today.
184
00:08:45,543 --> 00:08:48,278
Can I interest you ladies in
one of our signature massages?
185
00:08:48,312 --> 00:08:49,513
- Oh ...
- Thank you, no.
186
00:08:49,547 --> 00:08:52,082
I don't like massages.
They break my concentration.
187
00:08:52,116 --> 00:08:56,419
Diane! Who needs a
massage more than you?
188
00:08:56,453 --> 00:08:58,321
- Ooh, yep.
- Mm-hmm.
189
00:08:58,356 --> 00:08:59,990
Right there. Stiff as a corpse.
190
00:09:00,024 --> 00:09:03,293
Come on. It's Pete's 50th.
We deserve a massage.
191
00:09:03,327 --> 00:09:06,029
- We helped get him here.
- I did catch that mole.
192
00:09:06,063 --> 00:09:07,764
- She did.
- Okay.
193
00:09:07,798 --> 00:09:11,334
- Oh, so, do you have this? You got this?
- Of course I have it, Jackie.
194
00:09:11,369 --> 00:09:12,468
- Okay, cool.
- Don't pretend.
195
00:09:16,339 --> 00:09:21,110
Um, I think there's been a mistake.
We wanted separate rooms.
196
00:09:21,144 --> 00:09:23,012
The special is for a couple's massage.
197
00:09:23,046 --> 00:09:26,849
Well, we're a couple... of babes.
198
00:09:26,884 --> 00:09:30,786
Jackie, how are you okay with this?
Is every day like this for you ...
199
00:09:30,820 --> 00:09:33,222
Screw up, misunderstanding,
screw up, misunderstanding?
200
00:09:33,256 --> 00:09:36,459
Come on! If ... if plush
robes and free slippers are
201
00:09:36,460 --> 00:09:39,663
a screw up, then I hope I
never get anything right.
202
00:09:39,698 --> 00:09:43,332
Uh, excuse me. Massages are
traditionally silent, correct?
203
00:09:43,366 --> 00:09:45,967
- Yes.
- Oh. Okay.
204
00:09:46,001 --> 00:09:47,469
- Shh. Okay, we'll be ...
- Okay.
205
00:09:47,503 --> 00:09:48,737
- Let's get squeezy!
- Shh!
206
00:09:48,771 --> 00:09:52,507
I am very knotty ... and
I mean that both ways.
207
00:09:52,542 --> 00:09:54,409
Bring the pain, Oksana.
208
00:09:55,444 --> 00:09:58,313
We're home, lobsters!
209
00:09:58,347 --> 00:09:59,380
[chuckles]
210
00:09:59,415 --> 00:10:03,517
We've been robbed!
And they only stole our lobsters.
211
00:10:03,552 --> 00:10:06,354
Warren,
did you put the lid on tight?
212
00:10:06,388 --> 00:10:09,157
Um, I'm gonna go ahead
and guess no.
213
00:10:09,191 --> 00:10:11,625
Okay.
Guys, split up.
214
00:10:11,660 --> 00:10:13,828
They've got to be here somewhere
215
00:10:13,862 --> 00:10:16,431
and I'm not losing Dad's birthday gift.
216
00:10:16,465 --> 00:10:18,298
[grunts]
217
00:10:18,333 --> 00:10:21,902
- What are you doing?
- You've got to think like a lobster.
218
00:10:21,937 --> 00:10:26,239
- That's not ...
- [gasps] Bingo.
219
00:10:26,274 --> 00:10:28,008
Well, look on the bright side.
220
00:10:28,042 --> 00:10:31,846
You get to have a new license picture
without that soul patch on it.
221
00:10:31,880 --> 00:10:35,048
Had it for two weeks.
Haunted me for 10 years.
222
00:10:35,083 --> 00:10:39,319
- And then back to birthday.
- Let's just get this over with.
223
00:10:39,354 --> 00:10:42,990
Hi, I need to renew my driver's license.
224
00:10:43,024 --> 00:10:47,760
You need to renew your manners.
You just cut in front of 60 people.
225
00:10:47,795 --> 00:10:51,364
Oh, sorry.
I-I ... I didn't realize.
226
00:10:51,398 --> 00:10:52,398
First you need a number.
227
00:10:52,432 --> 00:10:53,967
To your right is the
line to get a number.
228
00:10:54,001 --> 00:10:56,870
After you have that number,
you may enter the line for forms,
229
00:10:56,904 --> 00:11:00,473
and when you have a form, you may
wait for your number to be called.
230
00:11:00,508 --> 00:11:03,142
Oh, well, you see, sir,
we're kind of in a hurry.
231
00:11:03,176 --> 00:11:04,644
Oh, really?
That's so unusual.
232
00:11:04,678 --> 00:11:08,947
Most people come here to kill time.
Now serving A7!
233
00:11:10,783 --> 00:11:12,485
- Seems nice.
- Yeah.
234
00:11:12,519 --> 00:11:15,121
You know what? Why
don't you just go home?
235
00:11:15,155 --> 00:11:17,023
I've had a great phase one.
236
00:11:17,057 --> 00:11:20,126
Just the idea of phase
three makes me really happy.
237
00:11:20,160 --> 00:11:21,693
So, we can just call it a day.
238
00:11:21,728 --> 00:11:23,429
No, no, no.
We're doing this, okay?
239
00:11:23,463 --> 00:11:25,497
While you wait here,
I'll go get phase two.
240
00:11:25,532 --> 00:11:28,600
- I love you. Mwah!
- I love you.
241
00:11:28,635 --> 00:11:32,439
She ain't never coming back.
242
00:11:34,306 --> 00:11:35,373
Mmm!
243
00:11:35,408 --> 00:11:36,374
Is the pressure okay?
244
00:11:36,409 --> 00:11:39,110
Ohh! Yeah. Yeah.
245
00:11:39,145 --> 00:11:42,947
I just ... ooh, I feel the tension
just dripping out of my ...
246
00:11:42,981 --> 00:11:46,584
Ooh!
... pores!
247
00:11:46,618 --> 00:11:49,854
- Can you actually go harder?
- I'm trying.
248
00:11:49,888 --> 00:11:53,388
Your muscles feel like...
commercial fishing net.
249
00:11:53,389 --> 00:11:56,576
Well, your lack of strength
isn't my fault.
250
00:11:56,629 --> 00:11:59,096
Ah, now you're gonna
be mean to her, too.
251
00:11:59,131 --> 00:12:02,050
- What are you talking about?
- Well, you weren't very nice
252
00:12:02,051 --> 00:12:06,871
to Carly and Juniper and ... ohh!
That's the spot ... heaven.
253
00:12:06,905 --> 00:12:08,673
Well, I got our money back, didn't I?
254
00:12:08,707 --> 00:12:10,975
Yeah, but you didn't have
to be so nasty about it.
255
00:12:11,009 --> 00:12:13,444
I mean, don't you know
that old expression
256
00:12:13,478 --> 00:12:16,380
that you catch more flies with
honey than by being a total bitch?
257
00:12:16,414 --> 00:12:20,016
- I am not a bitch.
- Then you need to relax.
258
00:12:20,051 --> 00:12:22,519
When I relax, people die.
259
00:12:22,554 --> 00:12:24,488
Why don't we just
calm down and lie back?
260
00:12:24,522 --> 00:12:27,958
Why? So you can continue
giving me a half-ass massage?
261
00:12:27,992 --> 00:12:31,695
Usually I get a massage after
I've been kicked out of someplace.
262
00:12:31,729 --> 00:12:33,529
Now I don't know where to go.
263
00:12:33,564 --> 00:12:35,565
Well, maybe someplace where
everyone isn't so sensitive.
264
00:12:35,600 --> 00:12:38,635
Oh, yeah. It was so weird
how she was so sensitive
265
00:12:38,669 --> 00:12:41,671
after you called her
a jelly-fingered pile of manure.
266
00:12:41,706 --> 00:12:44,540
Well, she needed to know
there was room for improvement.
267
00:12:44,575 --> 00:12:46,675
She is clearly surrounded by
"yes" men.
268
00:12:46,710 --> 00:12:48,177
Well, what about earlier?
269
00:12:48,212 --> 00:12:51,013
- Y-you mean at the ninny hut?
- Yes. You were so rude!
270
00:12:51,047 --> 00:12:54,183
- Well, I was in a rush.
- Oh, I know, Diane,
271
00:12:54,218 --> 00:12:57,487
'cause you're a Doctor and
Juniper is just a shaman/healer.
272
00:12:57,521 --> 00:12:59,188
- Mm-hmm.
- She's my friend.
273
00:12:59,223 --> 00:13:02,191
- Well, but she was not acting ...
- Yeah, but ... but ...
274
00:13:02,226 --> 00:13:08,931
- but she's my friend.
- I'm sorry.
275
00:13:08,965 --> 00:13:11,634
I didn't mean to offend your friend.
276
00:13:13,236 --> 00:13:15,537
- But what's done is done.
- No, Diane.
277
00:13:15,571 --> 00:13:19,445
In a new-age community,
what's done is never done.
278
00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:22,244
It may not have even happened.
279
00:13:22,278 --> 00:13:26,748
- Now serving J-124.
- Hello again. [chuckles]
280
00:13:26,782 --> 00:13:30,418
Uh, license renewal.
Organ donor.
281
00:13:30,453 --> 00:13:33,622
Just read it over.
Sign here.
282
00:13:33,656 --> 00:13:36,357
Whoa. Whoa. Dude?
Whoa. Oh, ho.
283
00:13:36,391 --> 00:13:38,092
I do not see a
corrective-lens restriction
284
00:13:38,127 --> 00:13:39,127
on your driver's license.
285
00:13:39,161 --> 00:13:41,095
Oh, the...
these are just for reading.
286
00:13:41,130 --> 00:13:44,632
Like reading speed limits,
school crossings, yield signs?
287
00:13:44,667 --> 00:13:45,967
I can see shapes.
288
00:13:46,001 --> 00:13:48,770
If you need glasses to read,
you need glasses to drive.
289
00:13:48,804 --> 00:13:51,906
- I don't need glasses to drive.
- Stop raising your voice.
290
00:13:51,940 --> 00:13:53,541
I'm not raising my voice.
291
00:13:53,575 --> 00:13:57,244
[sternly] Sir, I am
asking you to calm down.
292
00:13:57,279 --> 00:13:58,546
I wasn't raising my voice.
293
00:14:00,148 --> 00:14:02,216
What is that? What did
you do? Did I just pass?
294
00:14:02,250 --> 00:14:06,043
You're taking the road test.
That line is over there.
295
00:14:07,422 --> 00:14:10,223
Thank god we found
them all before dinner.
296
00:14:10,257 --> 00:14:13,660
Oh, wait. There's only four
lobsters and five of us.
297
00:14:13,695 --> 00:14:14,995
Yeah, well, Kate doesn't get one.
298
00:14:15,029 --> 00:14:18,331
- She's new. She can eat cereal.
- We are going to eat the lobsters?!
299
00:14:18,365 --> 00:14:21,300
Yeah, Bert. What did you, uh ...
what'd you think the bibs were for?
300
00:14:21,335 --> 00:14:24,404
- [chuckles] Duh.
- I thought they were lobster capes!
301
00:14:24,438 --> 00:14:27,540
- Aww, Bert.
- First, we boil them, crack them open.
302
00:14:27,575 --> 00:14:30,976
And then dip their sweet,
sweet flesh in butter.
303
00:14:31,011 --> 00:14:32,812
Ooh, let's cook them
now and surprise Dad.
304
00:14:32,846 --> 00:14:38,318
- Yeah! Yeah! Great idea!
- You're not eating my pets!
305
00:14:44,791 --> 00:14:48,460
- Petter Harsion?
- Peter Harrison, yeah.
306
00:14:48,494 --> 00:14:52,164
- Do you have your vehicle?
- Uh, no, actually, my wife has it.
307
00:14:52,199 --> 00:14:53,532
But she's gonna pull
up here in a second.
308
00:14:53,566 --> 00:14:55,201
Back of the line.
309
00:14:55,235 --> 00:14:57,103
Come on, man. Please?
It's my birthday.
310
00:14:57,137 --> 00:15:00,138
A-and it's ... it's been terrible.
It's always terrible.
311
00:15:00,172 --> 00:15:02,006
Everything sucks, and
it only gets worse.
312
00:15:02,041 --> 00:15:04,008
I'm telling you, man.
I am cursed.
313
00:15:04,043 --> 00:15:06,511
[engine revving loudly]
314
00:15:08,715 --> 00:15:11,683
Whoo!
Happy birthday, baby!
315
00:15:11,718 --> 00:15:13,352
This is phase two!
316
00:15:14,687 --> 00:15:18,560
- Yeah. Real cursed.
- Hi. [laughs]
317
00:15:28,538 --> 00:15:30,572
I'm not a hooker.
318
00:15:36,758 --> 00:15:39,392
[tires screech]
319
00:15:40,350 --> 00:15:42,384
Good! How'd it go, babe?
320
00:15:42,418 --> 00:15:46,488
Great! Just taking a leisurely
drive in my rented Ferrari
321
00:15:46,522 --> 00:15:49,224
with a government official
judging my every move.
322
00:15:49,259 --> 00:15:52,026
One last judgment.
I need you to parallel park.
323
00:15:52,061 --> 00:15:54,263
It's Los Angeles. We valet.
324
00:15:54,297 --> 00:15:57,432
Babe, you got this.
Just dive right into it.
325
00:15:57,467 --> 00:15:58,466
Oh!
326
00:15:58,500 --> 00:16:01,736
[tires squeal]
There you go.
327
00:16:01,771 --> 00:16:04,873
Just think of it as a
million Priuses! Yeah!
328
00:16:04,907 --> 00:16:07,809
Okay, easy.
329
00:16:07,843 --> 00:16:09,477
Stop! Stop!
330
00:16:09,511 --> 00:16:11,712
Whew!
331
00:16:18,086 --> 00:16:21,155
- Ta-da.
- You failed.
332
00:16:21,189 --> 00:16:24,392
- Can I pay you?
- That's bribery.
333
00:16:24,426 --> 00:16:27,295
- You don't have a number?
- I like your wife.
334
00:16:27,329 --> 00:16:28,996
That's ...
that's not gonna happen.
335
00:16:29,030 --> 00:16:33,133
Bert: If you're here for
the lobsters, forget it!
336
00:16:33,168 --> 00:16:34,501
Oh, no.
337
00:16:34,535 --> 00:16:37,737
We just felt bad, so we
decided to make your favorite,
338
00:16:37,772 --> 00:16:39,306
a B.L.T.
339
00:16:39,340 --> 00:16:42,242
With extra "B," just
the way you like it.
340
00:16:46,181 --> 00:16:51,785
So, I wanted to apologize
for my behavior earlier.
341
00:16:51,819 --> 00:16:53,586
I was rude.
342
00:16:53,621 --> 00:16:55,789
- And nasty.
- Just rude.
343
00:16:55,823 --> 00:16:59,392
Thank you.
Yeah, I had dreamt of this.
344
00:16:59,427 --> 00:17:01,127
We've only been gone a few hours.
345
00:17:01,161 --> 00:17:03,797
- I took a nap.
- What were you so tired from?
346
00:17:03,831 --> 00:17:07,333
- Blessed be the day.
- I'll make you some tea.
347
00:17:08,367 --> 00:17:13,039
- Okay, are you happy?
- I am so proud of you, Diane!
348
00:17:13,073 --> 00:17:15,942
Oh, my god!
We never got the gift certificate.
349
00:17:15,976 --> 00:17:17,376
- Oh!
- What are we going to get him?
350
00:17:17,410 --> 00:17:19,345
- Um, we could go to the mall.
- It's rush hour.
351
00:17:20,779 --> 00:17:26,719
- How about some chimes?
- Peter does hate wind chimes.
352
00:17:26,753 --> 00:17:28,721
[engine revving]
353
00:17:28,755 --> 00:17:31,289
Whoo-hoo!
354
00:17:31,324 --> 00:17:33,592
Oh, wow! This is fun!
355
00:17:34,527 --> 00:17:36,962
I mean, really hard to drive.
356
00:17:36,996 --> 00:17:40,198
But, babe, look! We're here!
Phase three, rustique.
357
00:17:40,233 --> 00:17:42,433
This hotel has two bars. One
of them only serves water.
358
00:17:42,468 --> 00:17:45,703
- How cool is that?
- Honey, I just want to go home.
359
00:17:45,738 --> 00:17:48,206
No. It's your birthday.
We're here to have fun!
360
00:17:48,241 --> 00:17:52,911
- Why is this so important to you?
- You're turning 50. 50!
361
00:17:52,945 --> 00:17:55,546
That's half of 100, okay?
So stop fighting it.
362
00:17:55,581 --> 00:17:59,517
Stop freaking out about it.
Just accept it, and let's go have fun.
363
00:17:59,551 --> 00:18:01,853
I'm fine with 50.
I'm accepting it.
364
00:18:01,887 --> 00:18:03,988
- Are you accepting it?
- Yes! I'm accepting it!
365
00:18:04,022 --> 00:18:05,790
You're the one who's not accepting it.
366
00:18:05,824 --> 00:18:07,191
- Really?
- Yeah!
367
00:18:07,225 --> 00:18:10,827
Trench coat, Ferrari,
super-trendy hotel with a water bar?
368
00:18:10,862 --> 00:18:12,897
Are you having my mid-life crisis?
369
00:18:12,931 --> 00:18:14,498
[crying]
370
00:18:14,532 --> 00:18:18,135
Oh, it's just ...
it's so weird, you know?
371
00:18:18,169 --> 00:18:21,872
I-I love going to bed
early and getting up early.
372
00:18:21,907 --> 00:18:25,042
And ... and ... and ...
and drinking at home.
373
00:18:25,076 --> 00:18:28,111
- And I love pyjama pants!
- Who doesn't?
374
00:18:28,145 --> 00:18:32,816
I know!
I should be out dancing and ...
375
00:18:32,850 --> 00:18:35,218
and staying up until
3:00 in the morning!
376
00:18:35,252 --> 00:18:38,422
- Is that what you want?
- No!
377
00:18:38,456 --> 00:18:41,792
So, you're uncomfortable being
too comfortable getting older?
378
00:18:41,826 --> 00:18:43,326
Yes!
379
00:18:45,062 --> 00:18:47,430
Let's do this.
380
00:18:47,464 --> 00:18:50,599
Let's go party our asses off.
Let's go.
381
00:18:50,634 --> 00:18:51,801
[laughs]
382
00:18:51,835 --> 00:18:55,038
[groans]
383
00:18:55,072 --> 00:18:58,374
Hey.
All yours.
384
00:18:58,409 --> 00:19:00,976
We're gonna rage all night long.
385
00:19:01,010 --> 00:19:03,211
[loud music blaring]
386
00:19:05,882 --> 00:19:08,517
- Oh, my god.
- So loud!
387
00:19:08,552 --> 00:19:10,052
How do people talk in there?
388
00:19:10,086 --> 00:19:12,387
I think that deejay was
two people in one shirt.
389
00:19:12,422 --> 00:19:13,756
[keys jingle]
Thank you.
390
00:19:13,790 --> 00:19:17,225
Mmm. Delish.
391
00:19:17,260 --> 00:19:20,829
- So, you'll eat bacon, but not lobster?
- Lobsters are alive.
392
00:19:20,863 --> 00:19:23,898
Bacon just comes from
that weird slimy bag.
393
00:19:23,933 --> 00:19:25,767
Well, Bert,
you know "Charlotte's web"?
394
00:19:25,801 --> 00:19:28,337
- Yeah.
- You know how the spider saves the pig?
395
00:19:28,371 --> 00:19:31,006
- Yeah.
- You know what she saves him from?
396
00:19:31,040 --> 00:19:34,075
- Oh, no.
- Yep.
397
00:19:34,109 --> 00:19:36,478
From being delicious, crispy bacon.
398
00:19:36,512 --> 00:19:38,412
Then I'll just eat fish sticks.
399
00:19:38,447 --> 00:19:39,581
[scoffs]
400
00:19:39,615 --> 00:19:42,784
"Finding Nemo"?
More like eating Nemo.
401
00:19:42,818 --> 00:19:45,487
- [gasps] Yeah.
- Hamburgers?
402
00:19:45,521 --> 00:19:48,790
The cow jumped over the moon...
and into the meat grinder.
403
00:19:48,824 --> 00:19:50,491
Mm. That's right, Bert.
404
00:19:50,525 --> 00:19:53,094
You've eaten everything that's
ever been on your pyjamas.
405
00:19:55,063 --> 00:19:57,564
- Happy birthday, baby.
- This is a happy medium.
406
00:19:57,599 --> 00:20:01,335
One drink here, in bed by 9:00.
Maybe stop at Paco's tacos.
407
00:20:05,807 --> 00:20:07,007
[coin clinks]
408
00:20:09,377 --> 00:20:11,411
[Bragg & Wilco's
"California Stars" plays]
409
00:20:12,881 --> 00:20:15,649
I'd like to rest my
heavy head tonight
410
00:20:15,683 --> 00:20:17,384
Come here.
411
00:20:17,418 --> 00:20:18,919
on a bed of California stars
412
00:20:18,953 --> 00:20:20,654
I want to dance with
my wife on my birthday.
413
00:20:20,688 --> 00:20:25,791
I'd like to lay my
weary bones tonight
414
00:20:25,826 --> 00:20:30,696
on a bed of California stars
415
00:20:33,100 --> 00:20:34,834
[gasps] Aah!
416
00:20:34,868 --> 00:20:37,170
Oh, my god.
417
00:20:38,372 --> 00:20:39,572
It's the curse.
418
00:20:39,606 --> 00:20:41,541
We're never celebrating
your birthday again.
419
00:20:42,704 --> 00:20:46,221
It's my birthday.
It's cursed.
420
00:20:52,690 --> 00:20:55,091
- Salami?
- A pig.
421
00:20:55,125 --> 00:20:56,826
- Roast beef?
- A cow.
422
00:20:56,860 --> 00:20:58,761
- Gyros?
- A lamb.
423
00:20:58,795 --> 00:21:01,530
- Chicken nuggets?
- Uh, chicken.
424
00:21:01,564 --> 00:21:05,735
- Wait, what about hot dogs?
- Turkey or beef.
425
00:21:05,769 --> 00:21:07,969
[sighs]
426
00:21:08,003 --> 00:21:10,939
- Bologna?
- Nobody knows.
427
00:21:10,973 --> 00:21:14,008
I'll eat Bologna!
428
00:21:14,043 --> 00:21:16,411
[chimes ringing]
429
00:21:18,748 --> 00:21:22,684
Sounds like it's gonna
be another windy one.
430
00:21:23,056 --> 00:21:25,935
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431
00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:29,074
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432
00:21:29,124 --> 00:21:33,674
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