Original subtitles

Oh, the weather outside is frightful

but the fire is so delightful

and since we've no place to go

let it snow, let it snow, let it snow

man, it doesn't show signs of stopping

and I brought me some corn for popping

the lights are turned way down low

let it snow, let it snow

when we finally kiss goodnight

how I'll hate going out in the storm

but if you really hold me tight

all the way home I'll be warm

oh, the fire is slowly dying

and my dear, we're still goodbye-ing

[groaning, gasping]

but as long as you love me so

Oh! Oh, my god!

let it snow, let it snow, let it snow

Oh, get up! It's Christmas day!

What is happening? Why am I wearing a Santa suit?!

I don't know. I don't know. But the kids are gonna be up any minute now.

Why is there a dog in here?!

I don't know. It's your house. "Why is there a dog in here?"

- What are you doing here? - I don't know. What am I doing here?

Whoa! Hangover city.

- [gasps] Oh, wow! - Oh, geez.

- Okay, just don't freak out. - What?

Y-you're fine.

Jackie, something terrible has happened to your face.

- No. - What?! Nuh-unh!

Oh! They're gonna grow back, right?

- Yeah. - Bert: I can't wait to see what happened!

[kids shouting] It's the kids. Uh...

- [gasps] Hey. - Kate: Hey, guys.

- Holy crap. Crap. - Crap.

- What happened? - Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas!

- Diane: Merry Christmas. - Whoo!

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1x10 - "Twas the Night Before Christmas... or Twas It"

sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ addic7ed.com ~

What happened to our house?

Oh, my stars! The tree!

[gasps] Look away, Bert! Look away!

[barks, snarls] [all scream]

What is that?!

He's friendly. He just wants to get to know you.

Come on, my little angel.

Yeah, let's go! Let's go look at our burning tree, guys!

- Come on! Go! Go! - Great job, you guys.

What happened last night? I mean...

I don't remember.

- [groans] Neither do I. - Not a thing.

The only other time I've ever blacked out

like that was from opium.

It was in Morocco. It was customary.

[chuckles] I was being polite.

Let's go back to what we do remember.

- Oh, god. - Ooh, yes. Good idea. Smart.

Um, I remember I had eyebrows.

Yeah, and I remember I was making drinks.

Well, isn't that what you do every day?

[scoffs]

{12 Hours Earlier}

[Christmas music plays]

Mmm. You want to see a trick?

Sure.

That's so cool! How do you know how to do that?

I went to school for it ... the Van Nuys Institute of mixology.

That's where I want to go!

Oh, best two weeks of my life.

I just want to say for the record ... Bah, humbug.

I knew we shouldn't have sent you to the mall.

I saw a woman trip another woman to get to an elmo wearing a chef's hat.

[thud, humming]

Oh, great. Helene's powered up her decorations.

You know, she added another nativity scene.

That's three. That's nine wise men, if you count.

Take it easy. She likes to decorate for Christmas.

You can see that house from space. What's that smell?

- Oh, I'm making glogg. - Glug?

- Glogg. - Glag?

- Glogg. - What are we doing?

It's mulled wine. I just thought, you know,

it's my first Christmas with you, and I wanted to incorporate

some of my Swedish family traditions.

Isn't this a lot for just the two of us?

Yeah, um...I actually invited some people,

uh, people you've met,

people you may or may not have been married to.

Kate, we talked about this. We have a very strict holiday rotation.

This is our year. We have the three kids.

[chuckles] No Diane and no Jackie.

I know, Pete. And you know what?

364 days out of the year, I'm totally on your side.

But it's Christmas, babe. Family should be together.

Okay, fine. We'll give them a cookie, glass of wine,

fa la la, out the door they go.

[sighs]

Don't worry, scrooge. It'll be great.

Here. Drink up.

See? She was pushing that on everybody.

W-w-what was your angle, Kate? To get us all so drunk

so you could stay up and try on my louboutins?

- Mm-hmm. - I've seen the way you look at them.

Ooh, ooh! It was probably to try on my moccasins.

Yeah, I've see the way you look at them.

I just wanted us to have a nice Christmas.

Well, I for one, hated the glogg.

[chuckles] I love this glogg! You have to give me the recipe, pronto.

Oh, that's Italian for "arriba, arriba!"

[snaps fingers, clicks tongue]

You know, everyone's really feeling

this family-togetherness thing that I created.

It really means a lot to you, doesn't it?

Yeah. I mean, I never had this growing up.

Actually, one Christmas, we only had a picture of a Christmas tree.

It was, like, this big. It was really, really small.

- Wow. - Yeah.

- Mom, your gingerbread house is amazing. - Wow. Pretty sweet.

It's a Frank Lloyd Wright, gluten-free, and structurally sound.

Wow. Oh, hey ... you know, the only thing missing

from this masterful creation is a gingerbread doghouse.

- Yes. - Hint. Hint.

- Hint. Hint. - Well, if you do get a dog,

you'll know Santa's real, 'Cause I'd never get you one.

Hint. Hint.

Jackie: [chuckles] Can someone help me light

the hanukkah menorah... And the kwanzaa kinara and diwali diya?

My bell sleeves are a real fire hazard.

Uh, yeah.

You know, I'm celebrating every holiday this season

so Bert's less confused.

This week is about Jesus' birthday,

eight days of oil, the attainment of nirvana,

and black people being awesome.

And don't forget that I'm fasting for Ramadan, too.

You do know that fasting means not eating, right?

It's the holidays. I mean, I think we can afford

to treat ourselves a little.

It all starts to get fuzzy after we put the kids to bed.

Yes, I remember telling them not to come out of their rooms

till morning or Santa wouldn't bring them anything over $40.

And then I remember Diane falling.

- No, I didn't fall. I never fall. - Mm-hmm.

I remember when I learned to walk. It was instant.

Well, the kids are asleep, so I guess I'd better be going.

[thud] Ohh!

- Oh! - Oh! Diane.

- Are you okay? - Are you okay?

Oh, no. I'm okay. I'm okay.

- Are you okay? - Oh!

[laughing] Diane, y-you're ... you're smashed. What?

- No, I'm ... - You're like... "Aah!" Bam!

[all chuckles]

You must give me the recipe for that glurg.

- Glogg. - Glurg.

- Glogg. - Glurg.

- It's like "glo," glogg. - Glurg.

Glorg, Diane. Glorg.

So, it was Kate's stupid glogg that made us like this.

- What was in that wine? - It was mostly raisins.

Yes, but what was in those raisins, Kate?

[groans]

- What are you doing? - I'm proving I didn't do this.

Look. This is all that we drank, okay?

With some cloves and orange peel.

- That's it. - And this bottle of Absinthe.

Whoa. We danced with the green fairy.

- This has your name written all over it. - No, it doesn't, Diane.

- Ah. - Oh, it does.

Yeah, but I don't even know how it got here!

Well, then how did it get in the punch?

- And why are you in half a Santa suit? - And most importantly...

[breathes shakily] ...is this who I am now?

Guys, the dog just chewed a hole through Bert's desk!

- Well, you said you wanted a dog. - Not that kind!

Now, if you could direct us to the presents,

we'd like to open them, if that's not too much trouble.

- Yeah, I love presents. - Sure.

- Where are they? - They're gone!

You mean... [gasps]

All: Noooooo!!

- [sighs] Did you find them yet? - No, but it's only been 30 seconds.

- How about now? - Cool your shorts, my young consumer.

Hello? Presents? Where are you?

You know what? It's fine, you guys.

We'll just go on instagram and look at pictures of our friends' presents.

[both sigh] Yeah. Let's go, Bert.

How about you guys? You find anything?

- I looked everywhere. - No, you didn't.

You put on Kate's perfume and danced in front of the mirror.

I looked everywhere.

Let's not fight. Remember, this is all her fault.

What? No!

I just wanted us all to be together on Christmas.

- And what's with this confetti? - Oh, this is snow!

Yeah, I think you were saying you needed it for our

- winter wonderland or something. - What?

Okay, "winter wonderland"? I would never say that.

- That's so lame. - I'm pretty sure you did.

- Why would you shred all this? - I didn't.

I didn't even know we had a shredder.

Been living here a year, you didn't realize we had a shredder?

And I say, again, what does she do all day?

Pfft!

[gasps] It's a winter wonderland!

See? Told ya you said it. Face.

This is my case against the botanical garden.

Who did this? Who did this?!

I'm doing it! I am shredding my files!

- Good for you, baby. - I'm done with the consumerism.

If I stop making money, we're free.

You know, bye... bye-bye, corrupt case.

- Toodle-oo, soulless job. - Hey, you've been singing that song

since before we were married, sister.

- You know what?- What?

- I'm gonna call Doug... - Mm-hmm?

...right now, and I am gonna tell him

that he does not have me to deny climate change anymore.

Yeah. [ringing]

Voicemail.

Uh, Doug, it's Pete. It would behoove you to call me back.

It's 1:47 in the morning. I'll be up for the next 48 hours.

[laughs]

[laughing] Oh. That was intoxicating!

That was intoxicating!

- You want a real high? - Yeah.

Call him back.

[chuckling] Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Hey, Doug! It's Pete! It's 1:48!

Why didn't you call me back?! [laughs]

- Do it again. - That's a good idea. [ringing]

Doug!!

- Oh, my god.- What?

I called him 16 times between 1:47 and 3:38.

Well, did you reach him? Did you quit?

[chuckles] I-I don't know.

Well, I tried to stop him, but does he listen?

[scoffs] Story of my life.

[knock on door]

If it's Doug, I'm not here.

Hi!

All: Hi!

So, I think you have my Marys.

What? I don't know what you're talking about.

Aha.

Ah! [chuckling] They're having a tea party.

That's frigging adorable.

- That one. She did it. - What?!

Oh, don't look so surprised.

I can't help it. Something happened to my eyebrows.

Hang on ... can we just go back to what she did wrong?

jingle bells, jingle bells

there are lots of bells

they're ...

Ooh. Uh, whoops.

Uh, uh...Okay.

jingle bells

Oops. Sorry.

Ooh, shh! Sorry!

- What are you doing!? - Shh!

You're gonna wake the baby Jesuses!

No! Don't shush me! This is my house!

I'm shush... shushing for Jesus!

[sighs] Ohh, ugh.

[chuckling] Oh.

That's why I took them, 'cause it's the three of us.

It's Kate, me, and... the one with the dead eyes is Diane.

Except we're definitely not virgins.

[chuckles] Ha!

I am not even gonna ask why the mothers of our Lord

were eating jalape?o poppers.

[gasps]

Jalape?o poppers! Bar food. Meg was here.

- Get the lush on the phone. - Okay.

[ringing] Meg: Hello?

Meg, do you know what happened last night?

Are you the one who spiked the punch with Absinthe?

That is a criminal offense and would be your third strike.

That's why you guys were acting so weird.

I can't believe you drank the Absinthe without me.

I dropped it off for Kate last week so we could drink it

together on Christmas, but I didn't open it.

- Absinthe? - Yeah, but ...

okay, we give alcohol to each other for Christmas

and birthdays and bank holidays and...

Don't forget Thursdays.

Wow, we drink too much. But that's not the point right now.

Yeah, the point is I got attacked by a coyote.

- What?! Are you okay? - No! I'm in the E.R. on Christmas!

It's all... drunk Santas and hobos.

How did you get attacked by a coyote?

Well, you said to come over for the best party ever.

[Ace of Base's "the Sign" playing] Hello?

is enough, enough?

I saw the sign, and it opened up my eyes

I saw the si...

life is demanding without understanding

I saw the sign, and it opened up my eyes

Oh, my god.

I saw the sign

no one's gonna drag you up

or put you in the light where you belong

but where do you belong?

- Not here. - Way to bring it down.

Well, we were having so much fun.

I'm sorry. We sang together?

Okay, but what does that have to do with the coyote?

- And I ask again, we sang together?! - Yeah.

And then Diane went outside to go look for chestnuts.

I don't know what a chestnut is,

but I'm pretty sure they don't grow on driveways.

I did? I haven't done that since I was a girl.

Oh, we used to roast them in front of the fire with papa.

Chestnuts. Chestnuts.

Oh, I'll pick you the finest chestnuts, papa.

And, oh, how they'll jump and they dance on the fire.

Well, hello there, little thing.

[snarls]

Oh, my. Aren't you friendly?

Aren't you friendly?

I found us a dog for the kids.

- Oh, wait, the dog is a coyote? - My dog is a coyote?

- I think that dog is a wolf. - Meg: Yeah, it could have been a wolf.

Okay, well, whatever it is, I think we can all agree that it's a wild animal.

Come on. Come on, fella. Outside. Go.

Wait, why are you getting rid of our dog?

That dog was a coyote.

- It was a wolf. - That was our only present.

Okay, well, guys, Christmas isn't only about presents.

[all groan] How can you people even be talking about presents

when there's a seemingly dead woman in your bathtub?

[gasps] Mrs. Steinberg?

Pete: What's Warren's teacher doing here?

- Patty! - [gasps] I'll work the bake sale!

[all sigh] I knew she wasn't dead.

Me, too. [chuckles]

I knew she wasn't dead, either, but I really wanted attention.

You sure I can't get you a robe or something?

Oh, no, no. I'm comfortable like this.

So, why are you here?

Oh, I fell asleep in your tub after you fed me that devil juice.

Yeah, but what happened to your clothes?

Oh, Peter took them.

[gasps]

What?

Well, I was caroling with my all-women's church group.

fa la la la la, la la la la

- Whoo! Whoo! - Good.

Mrs. Steinberg? Come in. Have a drink with us.

I-I think she meant just me.

I'll meet you at the chuns' prayer circle.

- [chuckling] Kate! Look at this! - Oh, my god! Pete! That's a great idea!

I know. I know. It's the case I've been working on.

Oh, we can make a winter wonderland for the kids! Oh!

- You know what you need? - What?

An elf!

Wait... this was my idea?!

Do I look like an elf yet?

Almost. They're ju... they're just a little uneven.

- Make yours a little shorter. - Okay.

Oh. No, you made it too short.

Now I have to make mine shorter, too.

Okay, make sure you get it right because the eyebrows are the curtains

- to the windows of the soul. - Okay.

[gasps]

- They're gorgeous! - Yow!

We just created the perfect Christmas moment!

Let's ... let's take a picture.

- No. - Yes! Come on, Diane, be fun.

- Diane. - Okay, okay, okay.

- Okay, here. - I got it. I got it.

Oh, hang on.

Meg, can you watch my little puppy, please?

- Come on. - Okay.

You know, he looks a little like a coyote.

He looks a lot like a coyote.

- Here we go. Here we go. - Squish in.

- Okay. - Ow. - [sighs] Okay.

See? I think the three of us could be great friends.

I really do. [chuckles]

[camera beeping]

Why isn't it going?

Why isn't it going?

It's ... it's ... it's coming. It's coming.

[camera shutter clicks]

[flames whoosh] Cheese!

[all screaming]

- It's on fire! - Fire!

Oh, my god! That dog bit me!

Get it out! Get it out!

Fire! Fire!

- We're so unprepared for this! - Ho, ho ...

[screams] Fire!!

[indistinct shouting]

Kate, open the door!

- Okay! Okay! - Open the door! Open the door!

- Get it out! - Open the door!

Open it! Open it! Aah!

Suit is melting! Hands are hot!

[grunts]

I still don't understand how I got into your Santa suit.

We were talking about how you were sick of

- making so much money. - What?

your hospitality

Oh. So, um, why do you want to quit your job?

Because crass materialism is the worst part of Christmas.

You want to know the worst part of Christmas?

Crass materialism. I just said that.

No, it's when the kids stop believing in Santa.

Year after year, I see the kids stop believing in the magic of Christmas.

Childhood is over, and fresh-faced innocence

is replaced by more pornography than you can shake a stick at.

Someday, Bert's not gonna believe in Santa anymore.

- That's the truth. - Mrs. Steinberg, I'm

gonna have to ask you to take off your clothes.

Show time.

Ho! Ho! Ho!

Santa? Is that really you?!

- Bye-bye! Bye. - Bye, guys!

Kids: Bye, Mrs. Steinberg!

- Bye, Diane! - L'chaim to us all!

Bye-bye! Thank you!

[sighs]

So, what's the deal with the presents?

Yeah? I mean, it feels like we're being punished

for something we didn't do.

Come on, guys. Christmas isn't just about presents.

- It's about memories. - But you can't remember anything.

About yesterday, but today, we had a lot of great memories.

We made snow, we got to hang out with a very coyote-like wolf.

- [laughter] And I saw Santa! - Yeah, and Bert saw Santa.

So, I just want to say...

thank you, Kate, for bringing us all together.

Pete: You know, as I sit here, I can't help but think that...

we have so much to clean up.

[chuckles] I think it's nice. It finally feels like Christmas.

- Hey, what's that smell? - [sniffs] Warren.

[sighs] Smells more like Hillary.

- What?! - It smells like burnt plastic.

- What is going on? - What is that smell?

Bert: Oh, a bike!

Santa was here! I knew it!

Yes, he was, son. Yes, he was.

We wish you a Merry Christmas

We wish you a Merry Christmas

We wish you a Merry Christmas

and it's so high up here

Well, we found the presents.

I mean, the bike looks pretty salvageable.

Santa brought me a bike because I was a good boy.

I worked hard in school, I showered every day,

and I helped Kate with her party juice.

- Wait, what?! - Come again?

- What? - I showered every day.

- Well, almost every day. - No, no, no. The other part.

It wasn't me

it wasn't me

You hear that, ladies?

- I didn't do it! - Congratulations, Kate.

And, oh, thank you so much for being so helpful Bert.

[cellphone ringing] Yes, thank you, Bert.

Oh, god.

- What? - It's Doug.

Doug! Hey, listen, I ...

Yes. I would love to come to work on Christmas day. Yeah.

I didn't quit.

- He didn't quit! - I didn't quit my job!

He didn't quit! It's a Christmas miracle!

Yay! Hallelujah!

Well, I'm gonna go look for the coyote.

- You should come. - Uh, it's a wolf. Be careful.

I saw the sign, and it opened up my eyes

and I am happy now living without you

I left you, oh, oh-oh-oh

I saw the sign, and it opened up my eyes

I saw the sign

no one's gonna drag you up

to get into the light where you belong

I saw the sign

I saw the si-i-gn

I saw the sign

I saw the sign

I saw the si-i-gn

I saw the sign

I saw the sign

I saw the sign

and it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign

Whoo! Nailed it!

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