Original subtitles

Wait, wait.

Highway to the danger...

Highway

To the

[ cellphone ringing ] Wait.

Danger zone

[ Beep ] Hello?

Yeah, this is Bert's stepmom.

Take you right into

The danger zone

No, the blond one.

Wait, what?

[ School bell rings ]

So, it's lice.

Yeah. Yeah.

That's why we're here.

Oh, I'm sorry. It's my first day. I'm... I'm a little overwhelmed.

[ Sighs ] You know, everybody in my family is a nurse.

I actually wanted to be a doctor, but, you know, they all made fun of me.

"Nobody likes you." [ Chuckles ] I get it, dad.

Listen, do you have any pamphlets or information about lice?

Pamphlets? Uh, yeah, okay. Think, Terry. Pamphlets.

Uh... [ Drawers rattling ]

Yes, here.

Lice protocol, seizure protocol...

- No. - ...Splinter...

- You skipped it. - I'm sorry?

Lice protoc... You said that one first.

I skipped it?

I skipped it. Of course. Yes. So I did.

Okay. [ Inhales deeply ]

According to this...

Oh.

Whoa.

[ Telephone ringing in distance ]

Lord. This is bad.

"Until you rid yourself of lice, nits, and bugs,"

"the infected persons are not allowed back on school property."

Well, that includes you.

Oh, no, I don't... I don't have...

- Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. - No, that... that was...

Yeah!

You for sure have it.

- It was just my hair spray. - No, no. You need to leave now.

TROPHY WIFE

FIRST WIFE

SECOND WIFE

Season 1, Episode 8 "Lice and Beary White"

Synced by Reef www.addic7ed.com

[ Cellphone vibrating ]

- Hey, what's up? - Bert's got lice. We've all got lice.

- Round up the others. - I'm on it.

Thank you.

Oh. Hi. Let's see... I'm gonna need some condoms

and, uh, cigars,

some stool softener, and, um [Clears throat]

And I couldn't find your lice shampoo.

Hey, Gary, is the lice shampoo on eight or nine?

- Gary: I think it's on nine! - The lice shampoo's for...

it's not... I don't need... I... get it.

I'm just constipated, Gary!

All right, guys.

[ Groans ] This is what we're gonna do.

Good, you're back. The school called me.

Nobody move, nobody touch, nobody sit.

Everybody, listen to me, and we'll get through this.

Now strip.

Okay, now, as I wash,

the rest of you need to pitch in with containment and eradication.

Peter, strip the beds. Hillary, start gathering all the laundry.

And, Kate, listen to me, because this is most important.

- Okay. - Cappuccino.

Making coffee is the most important?

Oh, cappuccino isn't coffee.

A former barista should know that.

I was never a barista.

Oh. I thought you had a job once. You know what? I'll just have Bert do it.

- Two shots, no foam... got it! - Got it.

Mom, you need to shampoo my hair next.

Today's the first day of play rehearsal, and if I don't show,

Alexa Moosewood is gonna "black swan" her way into my part.

- I'm gonna strip the beds. - Okay.

I'll wash Hillary's hair.

- Here. - Mm... I'll do it.

Okay. The thing is, I picked up the kids.

I got the shampoo. I bought a special comb.

And before you even got here, I was kind of running this bitch.

[ Clicks ]

What did you just call me?

No... I... no, no, no, no.

It means that I-I had everything under control.

I mean, obviously, you're not a bitch.

You know, I just think it'd be less confusing for everyone

if I were to lead and you were to follow.

Well, Diane, you see,

I have the lice eradication master checklist.

Oh, is that the checklist from the school nurse?

- It is, so it's official. - I wrote that list.

[ Knock on window ]

Hey, Diane, I got your message!

No, thanks! I just came to check on Bert!

- Hi, Bertie! - You look fancy. Come in.

Ooh, I can't, 'cause I just spent like a fortune

on this Brazilian blowout,

and I'm not allowed to get it wet for three days!

- Jackie. - What?

You're probably already infested with lice,

so if you don't get treated,

you're just going to recontaminate everybody.

But, Diane, my hair

has never looked this good

in my entire life!

Okay!

If you really want to help, you'll get her in here.

I mean, you were an usher.

Yeah, but I can do more than bring Jackie in the house.

Ooh, you can walk her out when she's done.

Yeah.

Your cappuccino.

Perfect, by the way.

My cappuccino machine, by the way.

- Do you know how to use it? - Okay! Okay, I'll get Jackie.

Pete: [ Groans ]

Oh, come on.

Pineapple?

[ Sighs ] Beary White.

I thought you were lost forever.

[ Sighs ] Jackie, Diane wants you to come inside.

Well, I want local blueberries in December,

but that's not gonna happen,

so you go tell herr commander lice

that unless she wants to give me three hundo for a new blowout,

I'm gonna roll the dice.

Look, I-I think your hair looks fantastic.

I mean, I would actually even love the number of the place

- ...where you get it done. - Yeah?

But, you know, I'm just doing what I'm being told.

[ Sighs ] Oh, I get it. So you're her little toadie, yeah?

Think you can come out here and bag the jackal.

What? No!

She's driving me crazy.

I was taking care of it,

then she just shows up in my house

without knocking, without calling.

Not that I mind when people do that.

I mean, when you do it, it's...

Don't worry, Kate... I-I know that I'm always welcome here,

whether you're home or not.

Your house is my house.

Your husband was my husband.

Look what I found in your bed.

Uh [Scoffs]

W-what was Beary White doing in my bed?

He belongs to Bert now.

Right, except he lost him last year.

We spent three days looking for him.

You volunteered to be search captain. [ Sighs ]

- I was so concerned. - Warren, you stole him.

He was mine first!

You made me give him up before I was ready!

You said you were too old.

We had the whole changeover ceremony,

the walkabout, the rebirth, and...

And I cried myself to sleep that night.

I-I had to cuddle a Transformer, and when I woke up...

It was a car.

What does she think? I don't know how to shampoo hair?

- I used to groom dogs. - [ Gasps ] Me, too!

Really? How have we never...

Ah, but that's what she does, you know? She doesn't trust anyone.

She just does what she wants to do.

One time, she tried to convince me

I wasn't tying my shoes right.

[ Scoffs ] Turns out I wasn't,

but I don't need anybody to tell me what to do,

because I am my own... aah!

[ Screaming ]

Oh, oh, oh!

[ Sighs ] [ Screaming continues ]

[ Cries ] Diane: Kate...

You had one job to do, and I had to do it for you.

[ Gasps ]

[ Hose clatters ]

I can't believe she did that to me!

[ Sighs ]

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I can't believe that woman.

Spraying me in the face like that!

Disrespecting my house, using my hose.

She doesn't pay my water bill.

It's 'cause she's jealous of us,

because we're young and we're beautiful

and I'm very creative.

I thought I was winning her over.

Oh, no, she doesn't think very highly of you.

Um, we should just drop it.

Let's.

Oh, but there was something else.

And we're picking it up again.

Oh, it was so good. What was it?

Oh, yes, um, [laughs] she called you a hologram,

that you're just color and light.

- Oh, so mean. - She called me a hologram?

Yeah, that was my takeaway.

All right, time is up.

Bert, Warren has something he'd like to tell you.

[ Gasps ] He's alive! I prayed, and it came true!

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!

- Yeah, sure. - Where was he?

- Uh, h-he was safe... with me. - Warren, tell the truth.

Okay, look... Beary White awoke in the night,

and he came into my bedroom, and he...

Warren.

I took him.

Wait, you stole Beary White?

Uh, y-yeah, but, hey, I-it's for the greater good,

because you learned to live without him, and that's what matters.

- Give him to me! - Hey, what are you doing?! No!

- Give me him! - He's mine!

- Guys, guys, guys, look at this! - That's mine!

This is what you're fighting over.

- I love him so much! - Beautiful!

Okay, this is how it's gonna go.

You guys are gonna each state your case.

I am gonna decide who gets to keep Beary White.

- Fine. - I love you, daddy,

and I know you'll make the right decision.

[ Scoffs, sighs ]

- You know what she is? - Better than us?

- No, she's a bully. - Yeah, bully. Yeah.

And you know what they say about bullies...

- The bigger they are... - Huge.

- Just listen to me, okay? - Mm. Mm-hmm.

She thinks she's so perfect. Nobody's perfect. No.

Just look at... Lance Armstrong.

Oh, do you think she's juicing?

No, I've... I've thought that.

We have to teach her that she's not perfect.

I am reading your mind.

What are you thinking?

Hmm.

Mm-hmm. [ Gasps ]

Yes! Good idea!

Make her think she didn't buy enough lice shampoo.

Oh, she will be devastated!

- [ Laughs ] Or... - Or...

See how well she gets rid of her lice

with volumizing shampoo for color-treated hair.

- No, no... that won't get rid of lice. - Exactly.

Oh, yeah!

Uh, your turn, Diane.

We are done with the lice-killing shampoo.

Giggle, giggle.

- Why are you saying "giggle"? - I don't know.

It took you long enough.

I used the last of that bottle on Horndog.

[ Horndog barking ]

I don't know what to tell you, Diane.

We both have very long and beautiful hair

that was very full of bugs. [ Sighs ]

You sure you don't want one of us to help you?

Oh, no, I got it.

Uh, you could watch the dryer and let me know when the towels are done.

You want me to watch the dryer...

- The one that buzzes when it's done? - Yes.

And we'll need all the towels folded and on deck.

- You think you could handle that? - [ Scoffs ] Not by myself.

- It's definitely a two-man job. - Oh.

- Do you want... The Jackal? - Yeah. [ Clears throat ]

Actually, I love to watch the dryer,

'cause it goes [Imitates whirring]

Warren: Fact... I had him first.

Fact... I named him Beary White.

Fact... although Bert made a big deal about it when he lost him,

I don't think he really cared that much.

That is not a fact!

Objection noted. Warren, proceed.

[ Sighs ] Thank you, Judge Dad. As I was saying...

I wasn't ready to give him away.

You and mom wouldn't let me take him to school anymore,

and he wasn't allowed to ride in the car with us,

so I thought, "Hey, maybe I should give him to Bert."

But the moment I did, I regretted it! I was under a dress!

You mean...

Under duress?

Yeah.

Th-that too.

That's what I said. Okay, that's... that's valid.

I'll take that into consideration in my deliberations.

Now do you want to cede the floor to the younger plaintiff?

[ Sighs ]

Fact... Warren stole Beary White.

Fact... stealing is wrong.

Fact... Warren is wrong!

That's a very strong argument.

How is that strong?! Anyone can do that!

Uh, fact... I'm hungry.

Fact... I want a cookie. Fact... I am a cookie!

You're not a cookie.

I can be whatever I want to be!

- Give me that! - Hey, guys, guys!

Dryer buzzed.

[ Sighs ]

Diane, I just want to thank you.

I don't think I could've managed to shampoo all these heads.

I also did laundry.

Exactly.

You came in and saved the day.

I know. That's just what I do.

- Yeah. [ Chuckles ] - Yeah.

You know, I didn't mean to get in your hair earlier.

[ Chuckles ] [ Laughs ]

Oh, are you shampooing again?

Did you not get them all out the first time?

[ Laughs ]

No, this is my first time.

I just did Hillary.

What?

I thought you did Hillary this morning.

Oh, no, I just did Hillary now

and sent her off to school for rehearsal.

- She's there right now? - Yes.

Oh.

Mm.

What's going on?

- Kate, you have to tell her. - Shut up, Jackie.

Um, you got to believe me. I begged her not to do it!

- Do what? - It's not my place to say.

Kate?

Jackie thinks you're on steroids.

- Jackie. - What?

Is there anything you think I should know?

Fine!

I switched the lice shampoo with regular shampoo to make you look bad.

But not that bad, because your volume would've been very controlled.

[ Chuckles nervously ]

You did what?!

[ Groans ] What were you thinking?

I told her not to do it. I don't know why she did it.

Insecurities. Oh, daddy issues.

I don't know... she's a mess.

I would love to discuss Kate's psychiatric problems.

Oh, well, if anyone can solve them, Diane, it is you.

[ Chuckles ] But we need to go get Hillary

and stop her from spreading this epidemic.

Oh, call 911.

It's a little dramatic, don't you think?

Uh, Kate, haven't you done enough?

10 minutes ago, you were on my side. Don't you remember, Jackal?

I-I don't know who that is.

[ Groans ] She's not answering her phone.

Okay. I'll go get her.

Uh, no, I think you have done enough. I'll go get her.

No, you still have lice. I'll go get her.

Well, I'm her mother, so I think I'll go get her.

Yeah, but you're gonna spread even more.

You're blocking me in!

Uh, no, no, you're actually blocking me in.

- Well, I need to go. Can you get out here? - Can you please come on?

- Take a chill pill. - Hey!

- What are you doing?! Come on! - Now, Jackal!

- Weasel! - Hold your horses.

Kate, you'll need to move your car so I can back out.

No. I created this problem. I'm gonna fix it.

Yes, you created the problem, so now I will fix it.

Jackie, back me up here.

- You have a huge problem with Diane, too. - Jackie?

Well, I think it's pretty obvious what needs to happen here.

Uh, but first thing's first.

I'm gonna back out, 'cause I'm blocking you guys in.

[ Car door closes, engine turns over ]

[ Tires screech ]

[ Tires squealing ]

[ Horn honks ]

[ Scoffs ]

[ Dog barking in distance ]

Diane, I am not gonna back down on this.

I should've put my foot down earlier, but I am putting it down now.

Kate, you are not going to win this.

[ Keys jingle ] Wait, no!

[ Grunts ] Win this!

Win this!

[ Sighs ]

So, dad, what's it gonna be?

Do you guys know the judgment of Solomon?

Is that a video game?

- No. - Then no.

It's a biblical story about two women

who were fighting over a baby that they both claimed was theirs.

They went to king Solomon to explain the situation.

He called for a sword

and proclaimed there was only one fair solution.

The baby will be split in two,

and each woman will take a half.

Cool, great story.

It's not over yet.

So, the lying woman says, "Divide him,"

but the baby's true mother said,

"Give the baby to her. Just don't kill him."

And that's how king Solomon figured out

who to give the baby to.

So, unless you two can decide who gets the bear,

I'm gonna have to cut Beary White in half.

Sounds fair to me.

- I'm good with that. - Really?

- Yeah. - Uh-huh.

You want me to cut this teddy bear

that you both love so dearly in half?!

- Go for it. - Sure.

I'm doing it! I'm cutting the bear!

What is wrong with you?!

No, no, no!

Sorry again about the whole shampoo switcheroo.

[ As Diane ] "That's okay, Kate.

I would've done the same thing if I were you."

You are the Typhoid Mary of this lice outbreak.

[ Normal voice ] If Typhoid Mary was a person

who could've done things but people wouldn't let her,

then, yes, I agree with you.

That's not who she was.

You never let me do anything, Diane.

You always boss me around. You always boss everyone around.

And this might be hard for you to hear, but nobody likes it.

I can do things!

- Kate. - What?

You've missed the turn.

- You can't pull a u-turn here. - I-I...

- No, go straight ahead. - I'm not gonna...

- I-I was gonna go straight. - Two streets down, go right.

- I know what I'm doing! - You can go right, right, and right.

[ Sighs ]

Hey, you guys gut that bear?

No. We figured out a solution.

Yeah, we thought about how you guys split custody of us.

Like how I have clean underwear here and at mom's house.

And we thought we could do the same thing for Beary White.

Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and every other weekend,

he's with me, and the rest of the time, he's with Bert.

We're still working out the holidays, and we'll do his birthday together.

Mm-hmm. It's the best for him.

That's a really great solution.

You guys settled out of court just like two real lawyers.

I love it.

Is this what you do all day?

I am wasting my life.

Yeah, it seems like a real waste of time.

Hey, I'm... I'm not proud of it.

Hmm.

Hey, Bert, uh, I had an idea.

What if I took Beary for Christmas and you got him for the Fourth of July?

Okay, so, we'll do his bar mitzvah together?

Sounds great.

[ Sighs ] Okay.

- Kate. - Uh, yeah?

- Kate. - Okay, what?

What did I do wrong this time? D-did I make another wrong turn?

Is this even the right school? [ Sighs ]

I was going to say you may have a point

and should be entrusted

with s-slightly more responsibility.

Thank you.

And...

This is a lot of skin for school.

Let's get Hillary before she spreads the lice.

Love our talks.

Wait. Just hang on.

Students:

give me a head with hair

long, beautiful hair

shining, gleaming streaming, flaxen, waxen

give me down-to-there hair

shoulder length or longer

here, baby, there, mama

everywhere, daddy, daddy

Hair! Hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair

flow it, show it

long as God can grow my hair

Woman: Good. Now give your wigs to the understudies!

Okay, Kate, this one's yours. What should we do?

Well, if we retreat now, maybe another kid will be blamed.

My thoughts exactly.

- Uh, watch it! - Students: Hair

Ooh! Move it!

[ Breathing heavily ]

- Look out! - Oh!

Hair!

Jackie: Okay, hit it with a little more steam, Bertie.

Ah, I don't know why I wasted so much money

on getting this done professionally.

I mean, not that you're not professional,

'cause, I meansweetie,

you could have a real future in this!

I want to be a school nurse.

- Why? - 'Cause anyone can do it.

Oh, honey, can you get mommy,

uh, a pillow for her knees?

- 'Cause... - Okay.

Yeah.

Bert?

Quickly!

Quickly, quickly!

Quickly, quickly! [ Sizzling ]

Oh, okay, no, that does not smell right.

Ah...

[ Sighs ]

Oh! Whew!

Aw...

Oh, well. You know, you get what you pay for.

Win some, dim sum.

[ Gasps ] Dim sum!

Bert, we're getting dim sum!

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