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1
00:00:03,576 --> 00:00:06,710
Wait, Bert.
Let's scare your mom.
2
00:00:06,744 --> 00:00:10,013
- But scaring's mean.
- That's the whole point of Halloween ...
3
00:00:10,047 --> 00:00:12,048
getting scared and scaring people.
4
00:00:12,083 --> 00:00:13,984
What's happening to this country?
5
00:00:14,018 --> 00:00:16,419
- You sound like my bus driver.
- Huh.
6
00:00:17,815 --> 00:00:20,223
[gasps] Oh, my god, Jackie!
[Bert screams]
7
00:00:20,257 --> 00:00:23,425
Bert! Look away.
8
00:00:23,460 --> 00:00:24,727
[gasps]
[moaning]
9
00:00:24,761 --> 00:00:26,261
Oh, god.
10
00:00:26,296 --> 00:00:28,731
[roars]
[screams]
11
00:00:28,765 --> 00:00:30,833
[laughs]
Not funny, guys.
12
00:00:30,868 --> 00:00:32,835
- You know I'm scared of bad teeth.
- Gotcha.
13
00:00:32,870 --> 00:00:35,037
- Yeah, yeah. You did.
- Whoo-hoo! Yeah!
14
00:00:35,071 --> 00:00:37,506
- Ha ha!
- [groans] Thanks for dropping him off, Kate.
15
00:00:37,540 --> 00:00:39,698
- How long were you sitting there?
- Four and half hours.
16
00:00:39,775 --> 00:00:42,343
- Did you finish my costume, Mom?
- Yes, I did. It's in your room.
17
00:00:42,378 --> 00:00:44,379
Go try it on and see if I
need to tweak the crotch.
18
00:00:44,413 --> 00:00:45,446
[muffled] Oh, sure.
19
00:00:45,481 --> 00:00:46,848
- I love Halloween!
- He's very excited.
20
00:00:46,883 --> 00:00:52,186
- Oh, we love Halloween.
- Oh, me, too. It is the funnest holiday.
21
00:00:52,221 --> 00:00:55,689
Free candy, running away from
the cops, having one-night stands
22
00:00:55,724 --> 00:00:57,090
where you never take your masks off.
23
00:00:57,125 --> 00:00:59,760
I once made out with
a woman for two hours
24
00:00:59,794 --> 00:01:01,929
before I realized that it was a woman.
25
00:01:01,963 --> 00:01:06,099
Act... actually, that's not a
Halloween story. That's a mask story.
26
00:01:06,134 --> 00:01:09,802
Anyhoo, Halloween when you're a mom ...
it's a little different,
27
00:01:09,837 --> 00:01:12,371
'cause it's about creating
these rituals with your kids,
28
00:01:12,406 --> 00:01:14,707
you know, like drinking
hot pumpkin broth,
29
00:01:14,742 --> 00:01:19,278
or celebrating the harvest
or honoring the blessed dead.
30
00:01:19,312 --> 00:01:21,113
[clicks tongue]
[Bert screams]
31
00:01:21,148 --> 00:01:24,717
Ohh, do you hear that?
That is the sound of pure joy.
32
00:01:24,752 --> 00:01:27,385
What the hell is this?!
33
00:01:27,420 --> 00:01:29,254
What?
This is what you asked for.
34
00:01:29,288 --> 00:01:33,959
- You're the Iron Man!
- Iron Man doesn't iron.
35
00:01:33,993 --> 00:01:35,796
[scoffs] Well, that's
a pretty confusing name
36
00:01:35,831 --> 00:01:37,596
if you're not gonna
be doing any ironing.
37
00:01:37,630 --> 00:01:40,131
Jackie, do you not know who
Iron Man is?
38
00:01:40,166 --> 00:01:42,733
Oh, are you guys doing a bit right now?
39
00:01:42,768 --> 00:01:44,101
No. I thought Bert made him up.
40
00:01:44,135 --> 00:01:47,337
Why would I make this up?
I'll look like an idiot.
41
00:01:47,372 --> 00:01:49,974
- What?
- Forget it. I'm not going trick-or-treating.
42
00:01:50,008 --> 00:01:54,278
- Bert!
- This is the worst Halloween ever!
43
00:01:54,312 --> 00:01:57,347
How do you not know who Iron Man is?
44
00:01:57,382 --> 00:02:00,183
He was in, like, every
movie this summer.
45
00:02:00,217 --> 00:02:03,252
- Robert Downey Jr.?
- Wait. Hold up.
46
00:02:03,287 --> 00:02:05,755
Robert Downey had a son?!
47
00:02:05,990 --> 00:02:09,058
1x06 - Halloween
48
00:02:14,730 --> 00:02:17,699
49
00:02:18,969 --> 00:02:21,770
[sighs]
Bert, please come out!
50
00:02:21,805 --> 00:02:25,874
Bert: I can't.
Too many wrinkles I have to iron.
51
00:02:25,909 --> 00:02:28,877
Oh! I don't want him handling an iron.
52
00:02:28,912 --> 00:02:32,213
- He's being sarcastic.
- Sarca... what? I ...
53
00:02:32,247 --> 00:02:34,281
everything he says sounds the same.
54
00:02:34,316 --> 00:02:38,552
Okay. I don't have time to
make a new the Iron Man costume.
55
00:02:38,587 --> 00:02:40,688
You know, Jackie, they do
sell costumes in stores.
56
00:02:40,723 --> 00:02:43,858
Oh, yeah. Guess what.
They also sell toothpaste in stores,
57
00:02:43,892 --> 00:02:46,027
but do you have any idea
how much money I save a year
58
00:02:46,061 --> 00:02:47,294
by making my own?
59
00:02:47,329 --> 00:02:48,996
I don't know. Like $20?
60
00:02:49,030 --> 00:02:50,119
Yeah. Some years.
61
00:02:50,120 --> 00:02:52,500
Fine. Okay.
We got to brainstorm.
62
00:02:52,534 --> 00:02:56,203
Okay. Crazy idea ...
I'll go to the store.
63
00:02:56,238 --> 00:03:01,008
Well, okay.
Just brainstorm on the way, then.
64
00:03:02,409 --> 00:03:03,876
All right.
65
00:03:03,910 --> 00:03:07,046
Come on, Warren. Slow and steady.
Trick or treat.
66
00:03:07,080 --> 00:03:10,550
Diane, y-you're like a
gargoyle come to life...
67
00:03:10,584 --> 00:03:14,020
- now more than ever.
- Zing, Peter.
68
00:03:14,054 --> 00:03:15,855
And what are you, a doll murderer?
69
00:03:15,889 --> 00:03:19,858
I am a hung... jury.
70
00:03:19,892 --> 00:03:22,194
Oh, just what everyone
loves ... a legal pun.
71
00:03:22,228 --> 00:03:23,362
- Oh, buddy.
- Come on.
72
00:03:23,396 --> 00:03:25,864
[slurring] Why did I have to
have dental surgery on Halloween?
73
00:03:25,898 --> 00:03:27,366
- I know.
- This really sucks.
74
00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:30,035
Sweetheart, I know the
timing is not great,
75
00:03:30,069 --> 00:03:33,038
but it was either your molars
today or your jaw tomorrow.
76
00:03:33,072 --> 00:03:34,372
Just enjoy the painkillers, buddy.
77
00:03:34,406 --> 00:03:36,374
[groans] We don't
enjoy painkillers, Warren.
78
00:03:36,408 --> 00:03:38,676
We take them.
One every four hours.
79
00:03:38,710 --> 00:03:41,111
I thought it was four every one hour?
80
00:03:41,146 --> 00:03:43,548
Oh, sweetie. [smooches]
That's why I'm here.
81
00:03:44,316 --> 00:03:45,783
Don't worry, Peter.
Don't worry.
82
00:03:45,817 --> 00:03:48,952
You won't even notice me.
83
00:03:48,987 --> 00:03:50,287
Unless, of course,
84
00:03:50,321 --> 00:03:51,954
you want some tips on
how to carve that pumpkin.
85
00:03:51,989 --> 00:03:53,122
[door closes]
86
00:03:53,157 --> 00:03:55,458
- Hey, baby.
- Hillary: Hi, Dad.
87
00:03:55,493 --> 00:03:57,026
Hi, Hillary. [gasps]
88
00:03:57,061 --> 00:03:58,595
- God.
- It's mom.
89
00:03:58,629 --> 00:04:00,096
I didn't see you
there, Mom. [chuckles]
90
00:04:00,130 --> 00:04:01,764
[chuckles] And why
aren't you in costume?
91
00:04:01,799 --> 00:04:03,233
'Cause Halloween is lame.
92
00:04:03,267 --> 00:04:06,417
I mean, who are you?
Justin Bieber?
93
00:04:06,452 --> 00:04:09,004
[laughing]
No. Guess.
94
00:04:10,106 --> 00:04:13,709
[fingers snap]
95
00:04:13,743 --> 00:04:15,244
Dad at a wedding.
96
00:04:15,278 --> 00:04:17,413
- Come on.
- [laughing] No.
97
00:04:17,447 --> 00:04:20,382
- I'm Ellen Degeneres.
- What? [doorbell rings]
98
00:04:20,417 --> 00:04:21,717
- Ellen Degeneres.
- Oh.
99
00:04:21,751 --> 00:04:23,585
[singsong voice]
Who wants some candy?
100
00:04:24,889 --> 00:04:27,940
All: Trick or treat!
101
00:04:27,975 --> 00:04:29,557
[normal voice]
Wow! Look at you guys!
102
00:04:29,592 --> 00:04:31,726
Great costumes.
Do you know what I am?
103
00:04:31,760 --> 00:04:33,794
I am a Hung Jury.
104
00:04:36,198 --> 00:04:40,767
Well, if you're, uh, a lawyer, it's
clever. It killed at work today.
105
00:04:40,801 --> 00:04:43,303
Whatever. Here you go.
Here. Divide it up.
106
00:04:45,773 --> 00:04:49,809
Hey.
How's, uh, "Hung Jury" going over?
107
00:04:49,844 --> 00:04:51,678
Great. The people who
get it, really get it.
108
00:04:51,713 --> 00:04:52,746
So, nobody?
109
00:04:52,780 --> 00:04:54,847
Yeah. Nobody.
When are you coming back?
110
00:04:54,881 --> 00:04:56,081
Actually, I'm at a costume store
111
00:04:56,116 --> 00:04:58,817
because Jackie doesn't know
who Robert Downey Jr. is.
112
00:04:58,852 --> 00:05:01,153
You're gonna stand in line at
a costume store on Halloween?
113
00:05:01,187 --> 00:05:04,357
- That's a rookie move.
- Not the way I do it, babe.
114
00:05:04,391 --> 00:05:05,524
[indistinct conversations]
115
00:05:05,559 --> 00:05:08,394
[exhales sharply]
116
00:05:09,663 --> 00:05:11,763
[clears throat]
117
00:05:13,399 --> 00:05:15,734
Hmm.
118
00:05:19,037 --> 00:05:21,172
Hey. Hey.
119
00:05:21,206 --> 00:05:23,341
I'll buy you booze
if you let me in line.
120
00:05:23,376 --> 00:05:24,676
We're straight edge.
121
00:05:24,710 --> 00:05:27,177
We don't drink, we don't
smoke, we don't have sex,
122
00:05:27,211 --> 00:05:30,714
- and we don't let people cut.
- Really?
123
00:05:30,715 --> 00:05:35,118
No sex?
Okay.
124
00:05:35,153 --> 00:05:38,188
Sweetie, hi!
125
00:05:38,222 --> 00:05:40,123
- Oh.
- Excuse me. There's a line.
126
00:05:40,158 --> 00:05:43,326
[chuckling] Oh, you think I'm cutting.
No. No, no, no, no.
127
00:05:43,328 --> 00:05:45,961
I'm just meeting my
son and his best friend.
128
00:05:45,996 --> 00:05:48,731
Did your Dad give you enough money,
or do you want more?
129
00:05:48,766 --> 00:05:50,366
I just want another hug.
130
00:05:50,401 --> 00:05:54,570
[chuckles] Of course you
do, you little rug rat. Yeah.
131
00:05:54,605 --> 00:05:58,507
Oh.
[sniffs]
132
00:05:58,541 --> 00:06:01,529
Did you just smell my hair?
Get off. Get off.
133
00:06:01,534 --> 00:06:03,044
Man: Okay. Next 10 customers.
134
00:06:03,078 --> 00:06:06,948
That's us. Come on, boys.
Stop staring at me.
135
00:06:08,017 --> 00:06:08,983
[doorbell rings]
136
00:06:09,018 --> 00:06:11,152
Warren: [slurring] Coming!
137
00:06:11,187 --> 00:06:13,221
[laughing]
Happy Halloween!
138
00:06:13,255 --> 00:06:16,390
Uh, Warren, you just relax,
honey. I've got it, okay?
139
00:06:16,425 --> 00:06:18,927
Go ahead. Just relax.
I got it.
140
00:06:18,961 --> 00:06:21,329
Trick or treat.
Smell my feet.
141
00:06:21,363 --> 00:06:23,497
Oh, how nice. Here you go.
142
00:06:23,532 --> 00:06:25,766
I know that voice.
143
00:06:25,801 --> 00:06:28,736
Not so fast. Say that again.
144
00:06:28,770 --> 00:06:30,238
Trick or treat.
Smell my feet?
145
00:06:30,272 --> 00:06:31,238
Say it again.
146
00:06:31,272 --> 00:06:32,239
- Why?
- Please.
147
00:06:32,273 --> 00:06:33,373
Trick or treat.
Smell my feet?
148
00:06:33,407 --> 00:06:36,543
[exhales sharply]
149
00:06:36,577 --> 00:06:38,245
What the hell, man?!
150
00:06:38,279 --> 00:06:39,512
- Dad! That's ...
- That's so uncool.
151
00:06:39,547 --> 00:06:42,015
I'm gonna ask you a question, and
I want you to answer very carefully.
152
00:06:42,984 --> 00:06:46,186
Last Halloween, did you egg
my house and then moon me?
153
00:06:46,221 --> 00:06:49,088
- [scoffs] No.
- I don't believe you.
154
00:06:49,122 --> 00:06:52,291
I recognize your stupid voice.
This stays here.
155
00:06:52,326 --> 00:06:54,360
- Diane: I'm so sorry about that.
- It stays.
156
00:06:54,394 --> 00:06:55,361
Come on inside.
I'll get your candy back.
157
00:06:55,395 --> 00:06:58,364
- Explain.
- I think I was pretty clear.
158
00:06:58,398 --> 00:07:01,067
That's the kid who egged my house
and mooned me last year.
159
00:07:01,101 --> 00:07:03,235
How do you know?
You haven't even seen his face.
160
00:07:03,269 --> 00:07:04,402
I don't need to see his face, Diane.
161
00:07:04,436 --> 00:07:06,804
I recognized his voice.
Plus, I've seen his butt.
162
00:07:06,839 --> 00:07:11,542
It has a very distinctive birthmark
on it shaped like a coiled snake.
163
00:07:11,577 --> 00:07:13,544
- How close were you?
- Real close.
164
00:07:14,446 --> 00:07:17,782
- Too close.
- Okay. Peter, it was over a year ago.
165
00:07:17,816 --> 00:07:20,317
There's no statute of limitations
on being a punk.
166
00:07:20,352 --> 00:07:21,652
- Peter.
- No, Diane.
167
00:07:21,687 --> 00:07:24,655
This madness has gone on long enough.
168
00:07:24,690 --> 00:07:27,258
It's got to stop.
This is about justice.
169
00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:32,329
When the neighbor steals
my Wi-Fi, I do nothing.
170
00:07:32,364 --> 00:07:36,299
When the mailman keeps my
muscle & fitness,
171
00:07:36,333 --> 00:07:38,568
I do nothing.
172
00:07:38,603 --> 00:07:42,071
When a hooligan eggs my home
and moons my face, I do nothing.
173
00:07:42,106 --> 00:07:47,777
But when that kid has the audacity
to return to my house and ask for candy?
174
00:07:47,811 --> 00:07:51,915
- This ends... now!
- Okay. You've convinced me.
175
00:07:51,949 --> 00:07:55,985
- Let's cut off his hands and kill him.
- That will not be necessary.
176
00:07:56,020 --> 00:07:59,121
All I need is
a confession and an apology.
177
00:07:59,155 --> 00:08:01,156
I'm not leaving without my candy.
178
00:08:01,190 --> 00:08:03,325
I'm not giving you your
candy until you confess.
179
00:08:03,359 --> 00:08:05,283
- I got nothing to confess.
- Okay.
180
00:08:05,307 --> 00:08:07,596
- Have a great rest of your Halloween.
- Oh, my gosh.
181
00:08:07,631 --> 00:08:08,764
You're free to go. Candy stays.
182
00:08:08,799 --> 00:08:09,932
Hmm!
183
00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:12,167
[door creaks]
184
00:08:12,201 --> 00:08:14,636
Jackie?
[door closes]
185
00:08:14,670 --> 00:08:17,305
[British accent] Guess who I am.
186
00:08:17,339 --> 00:08:19,006
Lady Gaga.
187
00:08:19,041 --> 00:08:20,174
[sighs]
188
00:08:20,208 --> 00:08:21,208
[normal voice]
I don't know who that is.
189
00:08:21,243 --> 00:08:24,512
[British accent]
I'm Queen Elizabeth!
190
00:08:24,547 --> 00:08:28,015
- Oh.
- Yeah. Let them eat cake!
191
00:08:28,050 --> 00:08:31,552
Anyway, here's Bert's Iron Man costume.
192
00:08:31,586 --> 00:08:33,787
[normal voice]
Oh, Kate, I don't say this enough,
193
00:08:33,822 --> 00:08:36,857
but you have totally saved
Halloween for Bert and me.
194
00:08:36,891 --> 00:08:38,692
I don't know if I saved it,
195
00:08:38,726 --> 00:08:40,527
but, you know, I just want
Bert to have a fun Halloween.
196
00:08:40,562 --> 00:08:43,196
Ooh, I love trick-or-treating
with him so much.
197
00:08:43,230 --> 00:08:48,233
- It's like 30% of why I adopted him.
- That's... sweet.
198
00:08:48,268 --> 00:08:51,704
Uh... oh, Kate, um,
can I give you some money for this?
199
00:08:51,738 --> 00:08:54,340
- Oh, do you have money?
- No, I do not.
200
00:08:54,374 --> 00:08:56,909
- Oh, then no.
- Okay. So we're even.
201
00:08:56,944 --> 00:09:00,601
- Uh... y... sure.
- Good.
202
00:09:00,636 --> 00:09:01,913
Here. You do the honors.
203
00:09:01,948 --> 00:09:03,482
- Really?
- Yeah.
204
00:09:03,516 --> 00:09:06,317
Okay. Thanks.
205
00:09:06,352 --> 00:09:09,420
Bert: Go away.
I'm never coming out.
206
00:09:09,455 --> 00:09:11,723
I need Tony Stark to
come out here and suit up.
207
00:09:14,193 --> 00:09:15,994
Look what we got you!
208
00:09:16,028 --> 00:09:19,930
[screams] Oh, my gosh!
Kate, I adore it!
209
00:09:19,965 --> 00:09:21,599
We thought you might.
210
00:09:21,633 --> 00:09:23,534
Kate! Kate! Kate! Kate!
211
00:09:23,568 --> 00:09:27,070
And Jackie! And Jackie!
Whoo! Jackie!
212
00:09:27,105 --> 00:09:29,924
You're welcome, buddy.
Now you and your mom can go
213
00:09:29,925 --> 00:09:32,376
trick-or-treating
together and keep the universe safe.
214
00:09:32,410 --> 00:09:35,411
I don't want to go with my Mom anymore.
I want to go with you.
215
00:09:35,445 --> 00:09:37,580
You do?! [inhales sharply]
216
00:09:38,782 --> 00:09:42,451
- You do?
- Oh. That's fine.
217
00:09:42,486 --> 00:09:44,787
I mean, what's Halloween about?
218
00:09:44,822 --> 00:09:49,591
Halloween is about
relaxation and introspection.
219
00:09:49,626 --> 00:09:53,762
And look at this ... more
pumpkin broth just for me.
220
00:09:53,796 --> 00:09:57,132
You're gonna miss out, so...
why don't you go suit up?
221
00:09:57,166 --> 00:09:58,600
Okay.
[clears throat]
222
00:10:03,172 --> 00:10:06,160
[grunts]
It's perfect!
223
00:10:06,218 --> 00:10:08,494
[blows]
224
00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:12,074
Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org
225
00:10:14,336 --> 00:10:16,904
Jackie, I don't have
to take Bert. Really.
226
00:10:16,938 --> 00:10:19,440
No, no, no, no. It's what he wants.
Have fun.
227
00:10:19,475 --> 00:10:20,441
[dishes clattering]
228
00:10:20,476 --> 00:10:24,444
You sure? I mean, it feels
like this means a lot to you,
229
00:10:24,479 --> 00:10:26,680
and you obviously put some
effort into your costume.
230
00:10:26,714 --> 00:10:29,182
The hardest part was
finding this much whale bone.
231
00:10:29,216 --> 00:10:31,284
Voom! Voom!
232
00:10:31,318 --> 00:10:34,287
Ah, powder face!
I will vanquish you!
233
00:10:34,321 --> 00:10:36,122
Really? This is Iron Man?
234
00:10:36,156 --> 00:10:38,758
- They made a movie about that?
- Well...
235
00:10:38,792 --> 00:10:41,494
- Hey, Kate, what's your costume?
- Oh, I'm, uh...
236
00:10:41,528 --> 00:10:43,929
awesome Stepmom Man.
237
00:10:43,963 --> 00:10:47,266
- You're so funny and cool.
- [laughs] Thank you.
238
00:10:47,300 --> 00:10:49,268
I'll go get one of
my Mom's old costumes.
239
00:10:49,302 --> 00:10:52,371
- She loves Halloween.
- Oh! [chuckles] That's ...
240
00:10:52,406 --> 00:10:53,838
Yay!
[dishes clattering]
241
00:10:53,873 --> 00:10:54,839
[evil laughter]
242
00:10:54,874 --> 00:10:57,475
I've never seen this costume before.
What is it?
243
00:10:57,510 --> 00:11:00,311
I'm a Centaur ...
half-human, half-horse.
244
00:11:00,345 --> 00:11:04,015
- How does that happen?
- That's a good question.
245
00:11:04,049 --> 00:11:07,151
Um... sometimes, when
a man loves a horse ...
246
00:11:07,185 --> 00:11:09,120
Kate, look! Cotton candy!
Can we get some?
247
00:11:09,154 --> 00:11:11,955
Rookie mistake.
You hit the big houses first.
248
00:11:11,989 --> 00:11:14,224
Big houses, big candies.
Skip the apartments.
249
00:11:14,258 --> 00:11:15,726
'Cause that's where
all the gross taffy is.
250
00:11:15,760 --> 00:11:19,663
Then you close with the cotton candy,
get sticky, hose off at home.
251
00:11:19,697 --> 00:11:24,334
- Kate, you're a genius!
- Well, I don't know if I'm a genius, but...
252
00:11:24,368 --> 00:11:26,869
You know so much more
about Halloween than my Mom.
253
00:11:26,904 --> 00:11:29,788
All she knows are the chants.
[grunts]
254
00:11:30,758 --> 00:11:32,542
- [raspy voice] Watch it.
- Sorry.
255
00:11:32,576 --> 00:11:34,710
[crows caw]
256
00:11:34,745 --> 00:11:37,413
Come on, Bert. Giddyup.
257
00:11:37,448 --> 00:11:38,607
Diane: We won't cater to
you. It's four against one.
258
00:11:38,608 --> 00:11:40,817
- We think that the should go.
- Hillary: It's ridiculous ...
259
00:11:40,851 --> 00:11:42,283
It's probably on the news
right now. It's not a democracy.
260
00:11:42,318 --> 00:11:43,485
Some kind of missing-child alert.
This is something that I have ...
261
00:11:43,519 --> 00:11:44,820
And I'm gonna be known as
the girl whose father...
262
00:11:44,854 --> 00:11:46,688
- Young man: Hey!
- ...stole the guy on Halloween.
263
00:11:46,722 --> 00:11:49,925
I've been trick-or-treating for
three hours. That's all my candy.
264
00:11:49,959 --> 00:11:51,760
Hey. You mind? I'm trying
to talk to my ex-wife here.
265
00:11:51,794 --> 00:11:55,229
I'll be with you in a second, eggs...
Benedict Arnold.
266
00:11:55,264 --> 00:11:58,332
Reaching. You have many enemies, Peter.
267
00:11:58,366 --> 00:12:00,568
Anyone could have egged
your house. Let it go.
268
00:12:00,602 --> 00:12:02,736
This from the woman who
had her housekeeper deported
269
00:12:02,771 --> 00:12:04,371
for scratching her coffee table.
270
00:12:04,405 --> 00:12:06,874
I was doing her a favor.
In the Philippines, she's a Doctor.
271
00:12:06,908 --> 00:12:09,844
- [doorbell rings] I got it.
- Ohh. You get it.
272
00:12:11,646 --> 00:12:12,880
I think Dad's gone crazy.
[door opens]
273
00:12:12,914 --> 00:12:15,014
No. It's just his
warped sense of justice.
274
00:12:15,048 --> 00:12:18,117
It would actually be admirable
if it weren't so embarrassing.
275
00:12:18,151 --> 00:12:20,453
But don't worry.
I'm not leaving until that boy
276
00:12:20,488 --> 00:12:24,390
- gets his candy back and goes.
- So, that's your ex?
277
00:12:24,424 --> 00:12:27,259
- Yes.
- You seem way too smart for him.
278
00:12:28,721 --> 00:12:29,962
I like you.
279
00:12:29,996 --> 00:12:31,062
Bert: Zoom! Zoom! Zoom!
280
00:12:31,097 --> 00:12:32,898
- Yeah. You get 'em.
- Zoom! Zoom! Zoom!
281
00:12:32,932 --> 00:12:35,868
- You're the best Iron Man ever.
- Zoom! Zoom! Thanks.
282
00:12:38,905 --> 00:12:41,540
Come on, Bert. Let's
get out of here. Come on.
283
00:12:41,574 --> 00:12:43,909
[footsteps approaching]
284
00:12:45,644 --> 00:12:48,946
Get lost, weirdo!
I said, "get out of here!"
285
00:12:48,981 --> 00:12:50,882
[grunts]
[normal voice] Ow!
286
00:12:50,916 --> 00:12:53,314
For the love of Vishnu!
Right in the kisser!
287
00:12:53,349 --> 00:12:54,889
Jackie?
288
00:12:57,956 --> 00:13:01,558
Boo!
[scoffs]
289
00:13:04,395 --> 00:13:07,564
[sighs]
290
00:13:09,033 --> 00:13:10,500
- Ow.
- Young man: Wow.
291
00:13:10,535 --> 00:13:13,503
Looks like your dad ruined my
Halloween by taking my candy
292
00:13:13,538 --> 00:13:15,672
and your Halloween by
scheduling dental surgery.
293
00:13:15,706 --> 00:13:17,340
No. My Mom scheduled it.
294
00:13:17,374 --> 00:13:19,174
[scoffs] Your dad
could have stopped her.
295
00:13:19,208 --> 00:13:23,245
- He didn't know.
- Or maybe he didn't care enough to know.
296
00:13:23,279 --> 00:13:26,015
- Maybe.
- No wonder you're so mad.
297
00:13:26,049 --> 00:13:27,449
- I'm not mad.
- Yes, you are.
298
00:13:27,483 --> 00:13:29,117
- I am?
- Super mad.
299
00:13:29,152 --> 00:13:32,287
- Huh.
- And I don't blame you.
300
00:13:32,321 --> 00:13:34,622
I just wish there was a
way we could show your dad
301
00:13:34,657 --> 00:13:38,325
how angry you are and
how... innocent I am.
302
00:13:40,328 --> 00:13:43,932
- [sighs] So...
- Can I have a glass of water?
303
00:13:43,966 --> 00:13:46,768
Water, candy, freedom ...
304
00:13:46,802 --> 00:13:49,937
- it's all yours once you confess.
- But I didn't do it.
305
00:13:49,971 --> 00:13:53,640
- Hey. That's mine!
- What do we have ... ooh.
306
00:13:53,675 --> 00:13:57,778
Ooh. Ooh, I would love
to hear your reasons
307
00:13:57,812 --> 00:14:01,448
for having eggs in
your bag on Halloween.
308
00:14:03,818 --> 00:14:06,119
My Mom asked me to pick up eggs.
309
00:14:06,153 --> 00:14:09,289
She's making a frittata
for her boyfriend.
310
00:14:09,323 --> 00:14:12,192
- He hates me.
- Nice, Peter.
311
00:14:12,226 --> 00:14:16,296
[scoffs] Frittata.
These eggs were meant for mischief.
312
00:14:17,864 --> 00:14:23,102
- See? It wasn't me!
- Hang on. Uh... watch the candy.
313
00:14:24,537 --> 00:14:27,005
- I'm sorry.
- [scoffs] I just want my candy
314
00:14:27,039 --> 00:14:29,641
and I want to leave ...
no harm, no foul.
315
00:14:29,675 --> 00:14:31,310
Okay, if you didn't want me
to take Bert trick-or-treating,
316
00:14:31,344 --> 00:14:33,245
you should have just told me.
317
00:14:33,279 --> 00:14:34,580
You didn't need to
follow us in disguise.
318
00:14:34,614 --> 00:14:38,083
Spare me, Kate.
I know a power play when I see one.
319
00:14:38,117 --> 00:14:40,418
Uh, "oh! Look at me with
my pretty blonde hair
320
00:14:40,452 --> 00:14:42,720
"and all the stuff I know
about the ironing man!
321
00:14:42,754 --> 00:14:45,223
And don't I look sexy
as a ... a Centaur!"
322
00:14:45,257 --> 00:14:48,426
- I mean, et cetera. Yada, yada.
- Please stop fighting.
323
00:14:48,460 --> 00:14:51,262
- We're not fighting.
- We love each other!
324
00:14:51,296 --> 00:14:54,064
Listen, if it wasn't for me,
he'd still be holed up in his room
325
00:14:54,099 --> 00:14:55,265
playing with a wrinkled shirt.
326
00:14:55,299 --> 00:14:56,933
Now, you listen to me.
You overstepped.
327
00:14:56,967 --> 00:14:59,169
I'm stepping up.
Now step off so I can step up.
328
00:14:59,203 --> 00:15:01,505
Yeah ... now, if you'll excuse us,
329
00:15:01,539 --> 00:15:04,073
I'm gonna go
trick-or-treating with my son.
330
00:15:04,108 --> 00:15:05,142
- Fine.
- Bert.
331
00:15:05,276 --> 00:15:06,709
- Bert.
- Bert?
332
00:15:06,944 --> 00:15:08,145
- Bert!
- Bert?
333
00:15:08,279 --> 00:15:09,513
- Where'd he go?
- I don't know.
334
00:15:09,547 --> 00:15:11,514
- Bert!
- Hey, Bert, you can come out now.
335
00:15:11,548 --> 00:15:13,149
- Bert.
- Bert!
336
00:15:13,383 --> 00:15:15,518
- Bert.
- Bert! Bert!
337
00:15:15,552 --> 00:15:16,753
Bert!
338
00:15:17,387 --> 00:15:19,522
- Bert!!
- Bert!!
339
00:15:19,556 --> 00:15:22,163
I knew I should have
had him microchipped.
340
00:15:28,414 --> 00:15:30,015
Bert!
[evil laughter]
341
00:15:30,049 --> 00:15:31,650
Ollie, ollie, in come, Bert!
342
00:15:31,684 --> 00:15:34,786
Marco! Marco!
343
00:15:35,020 --> 00:15:36,954
Me llamo Marco.
Qu� pasa?
344
00:15:36,989 --> 00:15:39,724
- Not you.
- Get out of here, Marco. Go.
345
00:15:39,758 --> 00:15:42,059
Okay ... you go that way, I go this way,
346
00:15:42,094 --> 00:15:44,631
- we meet back here in five minutes.
- No. That's stupid.
347
00:15:44,664 --> 00:15:45,980
I have a better idea.
I go this way, you go that way,
348
00:15:45,981 --> 00:15:49,653
- we meet back here in five minutes.
- Th... [groans]
349
00:15:50,235 --> 00:15:52,702
- Bert!
- Bert! Where are you?!
350
00:15:52,737 --> 00:15:53,837
Excuse me. Excuse me.
351
00:15:53,871 --> 00:15:55,505
Have you seen a little
boy about this tall
352
00:15:55,539 --> 00:15:57,741
carrying a bucket of candy?
353
00:15:57,775 --> 00:16:00,076
Right. Okay.
354
00:16:00,111 --> 00:16:01,177
[gasps] Bert!
355
00:16:01,211 --> 00:16:02,211
Oh, thank god.
356
00:16:02,246 --> 00:16:05,015
Oh, you scared the crap out of me.
Okay. Come on.
357
00:16:06,350 --> 00:16:08,651
- I found Bert!
- I found Bert!
358
00:16:10,553 --> 00:16:12,569
We just kidnapped two kids.
359
00:16:13,256 --> 00:16:18,827
- Go. Forget our faces.
- What? Oh, my god.
360
00:16:21,898 --> 00:16:24,365
Look who I found egging his own house.
361
00:16:24,399 --> 00:16:26,734
Me. Warren.
362
00:16:26,769 --> 00:16:28,928
Young man: I told you to run.
363
00:16:29,038 --> 00:16:31,139
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
364
00:16:32,440 --> 00:16:35,076
Well, at least your windows
are finally getting washed.
365
00:16:35,110 --> 00:16:38,946
- Warren, what were you thinking?
- I don't know. Cool kid.
366
00:16:38,981 --> 00:16:40,781
[snorts, laughs]
367
00:16:40,815 --> 00:16:41,882
Drugs.
368
00:16:43,251 --> 00:16:45,553
Young man: Hey. Hillary, right?
369
00:16:45,587 --> 00:16:48,289
- Yeah.
- Can I ask you something?
370
00:16:48,323 --> 00:16:52,759
- Sure.
- Why does your dad hate me?
371
00:16:52,794 --> 00:16:55,295
Why did you have my
brother egg our house?
372
00:16:55,329 --> 00:16:58,231
Well, I didn't know what else
to do. Your dad was convinced
373
00:16:58,232 --> 00:17:01,133
I was guilty, So I figured if
your brother egged the house,
374
00:17:01,168 --> 00:17:03,303
then he would think the real
egger was still out there
375
00:17:03,337 --> 00:17:05,137
so I could get my
candy back and go home.
376
00:17:05,172 --> 00:17:08,499
- Sounds complicated.
- I was desperate. [chuckles]
377
00:17:08,534 --> 00:17:09,875
Your dad just won't give up.
378
00:17:12,445 --> 00:17:17,349
You're, like, the only normal one here.
How do you deal?
379
00:17:17,383 --> 00:17:20,686
I just close my eyes and
pretend I'm at Princeton.
380
00:17:20,720 --> 00:17:21,786
You'll get there.
381
00:17:22,755 --> 00:17:24,474
Oh, I know.
382
00:17:25,223 --> 00:17:30,370
Listen. I can't change
my Dad's mind. But...
383
00:17:30,405 --> 00:17:31,829
I can piss him off for you.
384
00:17:31,863 --> 00:17:33,964
[mumbling]
385
00:17:35,765 --> 00:17:37,722
Oh, my god.
386
00:17:38,136 --> 00:17:41,736
Hillary is giving him a blow pop!
387
00:17:42,620 --> 00:17:44,441
[sighs] These boots are
really slowing me down.
388
00:17:44,475 --> 00:17:45,709
- Wait. You know what?
- What?
389
00:17:45,743 --> 00:17:47,910
This would be so much easier
if you just let me ride you.
390
00:17:47,945 --> 00:17:50,079
What?!
No. Jackie, get off me.
391
00:17:50,114 --> 00:17:51,848
St... cotton candy!
392
00:17:51,882 --> 00:17:54,736
Wh... how could you think
about candy when Bert's missing?
393
00:17:54,771 --> 00:17:55,118
Where did you get the cotton candy?
394
00:17:55,152 --> 00:17:58,622
[mumbles] Thank you.
Jackie, come on!
395
00:17:58,656 --> 00:17:59,955
[grunts]
396
00:17:59,989 --> 00:18:02,658
Come on! I know where he is.
Excuse me!
397
00:18:05,228 --> 00:18:08,764
Okay ... I'm sorry for
seducing your daughter
398
00:18:08,798 --> 00:18:12,301
and taking advantage of
your brave and inspiring son.
399
00:18:12,335 --> 00:18:14,603
[giggles]
I just want my candy back.
400
00:18:14,638 --> 00:18:17,138
- And I just want justice.
- It's over, Peter.
401
00:18:17,172 --> 00:18:19,980
You are officially
being a pain in the butt.
402
00:18:20,015 --> 00:18:22,614
That's it ... the butt.
Show me your butt!
403
00:18:22,649 --> 00:18:25,172
- Show me the snake on your butt.
- What?! No!
404
00:18:25,173 --> 00:18:27,181
- Dad! Gross!
- Peter! [mumbles]
405
00:18:27,215 --> 00:18:30,260
It's very simple ... you show
me your butt, I give you candy.
406
00:18:32,754 --> 00:18:34,688
[chuckles]
407
00:18:36,118 --> 00:18:38,789
- You know what I mean.
- Peter, I'm done.
408
00:18:38,824 --> 00:18:41,662
I'm a grown-up.
I have things to do.
409
00:18:41,696 --> 00:18:43,563
You're making a big mistake.
410
00:18:45,298 --> 00:18:51,003
- [chuckles] Bye, friend!
- It was really nice to meet you.
411
00:18:51,037 --> 00:18:52,905
I still think it was him.
412
00:18:52,939 --> 00:18:56,542
Hey! Hung Jury!
Feast your eyes on this!
413
00:18:56,576 --> 00:18:57,543
[all gasping]
414
00:18:57,577 --> 00:18:58,544
- Oh!
- Ohh!
415
00:18:58,578 --> 00:19:02,552
- It does look like a coiled snake.
- See? I told you.
416
00:19:02,587 --> 00:19:05,216
Pretty proud of your dad now, huh?
417
00:19:05,250 --> 00:19:07,051
[gasps]
418
00:19:07,085 --> 00:19:08,486
[laughs]
419
00:19:09,411 --> 00:19:11,705
Halloween's over.
420
00:19:11,740 --> 00:19:13,672
- What a throw.
- Best Halloween ever.
421
00:19:13,707 --> 00:19:15,443
Let's go inside.
422
00:19:15,478 --> 00:19:16,594
- Ohh!
- Oh. Bert.
423
00:19:16,629 --> 00:19:20,997
- Oh, thank god.
- [smooches] Oh, I'm so sorry
424
00:19:21,032 --> 00:19:23,934
that Kate scared you away by fighting.
425
00:19:23,968 --> 00:19:25,268
- What?
- I wasn't scared.
426
00:19:25,303 --> 00:19:27,938
I did the big houses first,
like Kate said to do,
427
00:19:27,972 --> 00:19:30,607
and now I'm closing with
this awesome cotton candy.
428
00:19:30,642 --> 00:19:33,109
Is this your adorable boy?
429
00:19:33,144 --> 00:19:36,612
- Yes.
- Yes.
430
00:19:36,647 --> 00:19:38,781
Jackie, I'm sorry.
431
00:19:38,816 --> 00:19:40,950
I-I love Halloween,
and I was just so excited
432
00:19:40,984 --> 00:19:42,284
that Bert wanted to share it with me,
433
00:19:42,319 --> 00:19:44,587
but we shouldn't have gone without you.
434
00:19:44,621 --> 00:19:50,727
Yeah.
I guess I got a... little jealous.
435
00:19:50,762 --> 00:19:54,453
Just ... he's my baby,
and it's so hard to watch someone else
436
00:19:54,488 --> 00:19:56,744
be a mom to my little Bertie.
437
00:19:56,779 --> 00:19:59,100
Just felt so good to
be the hero for once.
438
00:19:59,134 --> 00:20:02,600
- Do you know how little I get right?
- Yeah. Next to nothing.
439
00:20:02,635 --> 00:20:04,305
You're not great at reading social cues,
440
00:20:04,340 --> 00:20:08,376
and you walk like you've never worn
a centaur costume before, and...
441
00:20:08,410 --> 00:20:12,380
Oh. It's all right.
I know Bert loves me more.
442
00:20:12,414 --> 00:20:15,768
Congratulations on the
supreme court decision.
443
00:20:15,803 --> 00:20:18,099
I believe all love is sacred.
444
00:20:18,134 --> 00:20:19,787
- Aww.
- Thank you.
445
00:20:19,821 --> 00:20:24,530
- Happy Halloween.
- Happy Halloween.
446
00:20:25,996 --> 00:20:27,460
All right. Let's go.
447
00:20:27,495 --> 00:20:30,059
I think we've had enough
adventure for one day.
448
00:20:30,094 --> 00:20:31,169
Bye!
449
00:20:32,139 --> 00:20:37,203
- What supreme court decision?
- Are you serious?
450
00:20:43,343 --> 00:20:46,389
[cheers and applause]
451
00:20:48,513 --> 00:20:51,349
All right, we have a great
show for you guys today.
452
00:20:51,383 --> 00:20:55,720
We're giving away ski vacations,
spa days, and snowboards!
453
00:20:55,754 --> 00:20:59,056
- He's not gonna do the whole show, is he?
- Don't worry. There's no musical guest.
454
00:20:59,090 --> 00:21:03,860
Oh, yeah ... but first, let's
welcome our guest... Tony Stark!
455
00:21:03,894 --> 00:21:06,229
Tony Stark!
[cheers and applause]
456
00:21:06,264 --> 00:21:10,533
Oh, yeah! Okay.
First, Tony, what's with your ...
457
00:21:10,568 --> 00:21:12,274
Oh!
[Jackie laughs]
458
00:21:13,003 --> 00:21:14,864
All right.
Let's get this one to bed.
459
00:21:15,081 --> 00:21:17,239
- Come on, guys. Grab a limb.
- Okay.
460
00:21:17,274 --> 00:21:18,407
Bert: Come on, Hillary.
461
00:21:18,441 --> 00:21:20,743
- Grab a limb, everybody.
- Hillary: Okay, Bert.
462
00:21:20,777 --> 00:21:22,244
- Diane: Come on.
- On three.
463
00:21:22,279 --> 00:21:23,945
One, two, three.
[all grunting]
464
00:21:27,017 --> 00:21:29,961
465
00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:33,063
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466
00:21:33,113 --> 00:21:37,663
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