Original subtitles

You sat through "Lincoln," "Lincoln Lawyer,"

"Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter."

In return, I offer you "Magic Mike."

Nice. My very own Channing Tatum.

How long has it been since we've been able to

just sit and watch a movie?

[sighs] When you broke your leg.

- Oh, yeah, that was the be. - Yeah.

[up-tempo music plays]

- You guys are watching "Magic Mike"?! - We're trying to.

- Well, have fun, you gross perverts. - Good night.

Okeydoke... [doorbell rings]

[sighs] Shoot.

- Peter. - Diane, every time you say my name,

I feel like I did something wrong. Did I do something wrong?

- Warren? - Come on in.

Warren? [door closes]

- Oh, Mom's here! Yes! - Warren.

- Hello, Katherine. - Hello.

- I brought you a lot more study guides for your PPSATs. - Oh, fun.

And how are the vocabulary flash cards coming?

Awesome! Or should I say "abominably"?

- Okay. And, uh, how's the math coming? - Oh, e-elusive.

Okay, Warren, if you do great on this test, the sky is the limit.

But if you don't, you could end up becoming a CPA

or, god forbid, a dermatologist.

- I don't know what I want to do. - Oh, don't worry about it, Warren.

I didn't know what I wanted to do when I was your age, either.

[scoffs] Thank you, Kate.

[mumbling] This is why we need to study, okay?

[smooches] All right. See you later.

- Thank you. - Mm-hmm.

- Drop by anytime. - You look tired. Get some rest.

Okay.

[groans]

[singsong voice] You used to kiss that. [door closes]

Let's just go back to the stripper movie.

[crunches] [door opens, slams closed]

- Kate, get the big bottle of tequila. - Oh, come on.

- My life is over. - What?

Tevin and I got in a huge fight and broke up.

- I can stay here tonight, right? - Of course.

- Oh, my god. What happened? - I hate men. I hate them.

- Oh, I know. They're the worst. - The next man I see,

I swear I'm gonna punch him in the face.

You know what? I'm gonna give you guys some space.

- Oh, honey, leave the wine. - The wine.

- And the popcorn. - And the popcorn.

Thanks.

1x04 - The Breakup

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sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ addic7ed.com ~

Kate: Milk.

I just can't believe it's over with Tevin.

- We've been through so much together. - It's been two weeks, right?

Yeah, but I could have seen myself with him

- for, like, almost three months. - That's when you know it's real.

Vodka.

Other Vodka. Water.

Just kidding.

- Third Vodka. - What are you guys making?

Meg-nog. It's the official drink of Meg's break-ups.

And then you salt the rim with ibuprofen?

- No, but that's a great idea. - Ice?

[thud]

Oh. There you go, babe. Let it out.

Um, can you guys just try and keep it down?

If I don't get an "A" on this, it'll affect my overall GPA,

which means I'll end up at a state school.

- Do you get beat up a lot? - Do you get dumped a lot?

Okay, Meg-nog coming up.

[blender whirring]

Maybe you guys should go out so we don't disturb your drinking

- with our studying. - Good idea, Three-Pete.

Yeah, because you've been married three times.

Yeah, I know why she said it, Warren.

Hey, Bert, I got a surprise for you!

- Is it my birthday again?! - No, but Grandpa thinks it is.

Why does he think it's my birthday?

Oh, boy. Okay. Well, when you grow older,

your brain stops functioning the way that it should,

yeah, and dementia can start to set in,

- and that's ... - Oh, my goodness!

- But it's part of life, you know? - It's the LEGO Millennium Falcon!

- I've always wanted this! - It's from me and Grandpa!

- Can you help me open it?! - [chuckling] Yes! Let's see here.

All right. Here we go.

1,254 pieces? What was Grandpa thinking?

And you. And me a little, but mostly Grandpa.

Okay. You know what?

- Time for bed! - I'm awake!

- My bedtime's not until 8:30. - Night-night.

Good morning! [clears throat]

You and Meg have fun last night?

Uh... aah.

That means there's probably salt in my belly button.

Okay, uh, this is not a good look. The kids are gonna be up any minute,

so you and Gary Busey have to get it together.

Aah! My project.

- Too late. - My project is ruined!

Ohh.

Shh. Hillary, lower your voice.

And close the blinds and get me a bucket.

Do you understand? Someone ate my solar system!

Okay, can someone put a bagel in that girl's mouth?

Uh, you have a gummy bear in your hair.

- What? - I really need that bucket.

[gasps] It was you. You ate my project.

- There's even chocolate on your shirt. - Whoa. What are you implying?

That you ate my homework, dummy!

Um, hey, guys. Somebody puked in my slippers.

- Ah. - And she even ate the foam.

Okay, this is... starting to feel like a real witch hunt.

You ate the styrofoam, Meg?

- Here, bud. - Thank you.

Oh, that's a spoon. I need a ...

- Yep, and a fork. - Fork. Yep. There you go.

That vagrant ate my homework. Dad, it's due in three weeks.

- Pete: So you still have time. - Meg is really sorry.

No. No, I'm not. I didn't do anything.

I'll take a DNA test.

You want me to pee in another cup? I'll do it.

Another cup? There was a first cup?

Dad, I'm going to be in the car.

- Okay, honey, I'll be right there. - Meg.

- Did she just put a sandwich in a briefcase? - Yep.

[door slams] Why do you guys look so bad?

Uh, they're sick, honey.

- Oh! Is it diarrhea? - No. God, I hope not.

No, it's not diarrhea. We're hung over.

Oh! Well, do you guys want my eggs? They're super-runny.

[retches] That's okay. Why don't we get something,

- uh, on the way to school? - Babe, I'm so sorry.

You know, last time Meg had a break-up,

I didn't have to get up at 6:00 in the morning.

No, no, no. I'm not mad at you.

Hey, Meg, do you want some smoothie? [blender whirring]

Aah! No!

- Just want it to be really smooth. - Come on!

I'm glad you're enjoying my first mom hangover.

[sighs]

Okay, I'm gonna take the kids to school.

Wow. Uh, I'll take the kids to school.

You hydrate and take as much time as you need.

Just get her out.

- You got it. - Geez.

- Okay, you ready, bud? - Yep.

Hydrate.

- Bye, Warren. - Bye.

[door closes] Oh, finally.

Just the two of us. I thought they'd never leave.

Hey, you know what would be cool?

We should take naps in everyone's beds.

No, Meg. I don't have time to take a nap.

I have so many things to do. Don't you have something to do today?

No, I don't have anything till tomorrow at midnight.

Hey, does that little Chinese kid have a racecar bed?

- No, and his name is Bert. - Did he come with that name? [scoffs]

Are we done yet?!

Almost! I think I got all the grays for the wing.

The wing is light gray, not dark gray.

What kind of maniac makes two grays?! Why is this so hard?

- It says ages 9 to 14. I'm 8 and you're ... - 26.

Maybe we should put this away till next year.

Hey, sir, we are not giving up. What do I always tell you?

Both: You can do anything you put your mind to, even fly.

Maybe what we need is just a little bit of brain food,

huh, and we know what that means, right?

- Salmon! - Popcorn!

[cellphone vibrating]

[cellphone beeps]

- Go for Warren. - Hi, Warren. It's Jackie.

Hi. Are you on a long drive and need someone to talk to?

No, not this time.

- Hey, you like Legos, right? - Yes, I love them.

Why don't you come on over here

and help us put together this, uh... Millennium Falcon.

'Cause just Bert's really freaking out.

Well, I'm supposed to be studying for the PPSATs.

Wait. The ppsa... what?

It's the Practice for the Practice S.A.T.

Are you telling me that there is a test that prepares you for a test

so that you can get into college so you can, what, take more tests

so you can go to grad school, take more tests?

God! I mean, I didn't go to college, and look at me.

I got eight businesses. I got a healthy alimony.

Hey, I teach seniors how to do acupuncture

- right on my own front lawn. - I guess when you put it that way...

Yeah, I mean, not bad, right? Not bad.

So why don't you get your butt on over here

and, uh, help us do this Lego thing

- 'cause Bert's making salmon and popcorn? - All right, I'll be there soon.

- Hey. - Hey.

Oh. Hey. Look what I got.

Ta-da!

Do you know that Warren's been wearing women's slippers?

Yeah, he says it's softer on his feet.

Wow, kid's really comfortable in his own skin.

[doorbell rings]

- Hi! - Hi, Helene. Oh, my gosh.

Did we leave the trash cans out on the street again?

- No. - Oh, did the sprinklers come on too early?

- No. - So...?

No big deal, but Gavin and his friend were on the swing set,

- and they saw a topless woman in your pool. - Oh!

- So... yeah. - Oh, I'll take care of that.

- Thank you. - Thanks!

- Thank you. You look great. - Aw, thanks.

S-o-o-o-o? How's Hele-e-e-ne?

Were you, by any chance, swimming topless in the pool?

- No... Oh. I bet it was Meg. - You think?

Remember when it was just you, me, my three kids, my two ex-wives?

Don't you want to go back to that simpler time?

[chuckles] What's up?

- Aah! Meg! - Whoa!

- Uh, uh... - Whoa!

- Uh... - Take a picture. I'll last longer.

Um... this is ... this is our home.

Children live here? Our neighbor was just at the door.

She's freaking out because her son saw you...

- swimming topless in the pool. - Yeah, I saw him, too.

What's a 14-year-old still doing playing on a swing set.

[scoffs] Loser.

Okay, Meg, here's the thing.

Yeah, okay. Here's the thing.

- Although we love having you here, of course... - Love it.

- ...and we'd love for you to stay another night. - That would be great.

Uh, but Hillary is having her whole model U.N. club here.

- So you can't walk around topless. - And so when they come here,

- They're gonna ask you to be, like ... - Clothed.

Like, somebody ... like, you know, from Mexico.

[trills tongue] And they're all united as nations.

- Oh. Pass. - Yeah.

Do you want me to drive you to your mother's or your brother's?

- No. I know where I'm not wanted. - Do you? Do you know?

Now, I don't mean to brag, but I've only been here for an hour

and I think we're ready to begin the fist step.

Warren, you're a genius!

I should be. I mean, I did the second grade two times.

[cellphone vibrates] Oh.

[cellphone beeps] Go for Warren.

- Diane: Hey, sweetie. - Oh, hey, Mom.

- How's the studying going? - Oh, great.

Or should I say "super-fluous"?

I think this looks pretty good. We should just leave it.

Um, Warren, can you put your Dad on?

Uh... yeah, yeah, sure. One second.

[deep voice] Go for Peter.

Warren, I'm in your room.

[sighs]

Diane, this isn't a good time. We just reached a verdict.

Warren! [cellphone beeps]

Oh, crap. Tevin's motorcycle's here.

Does his license plate really say "Tevin4ever"?

No, it says "Tevinfever." Can you come in with me?

I'm scared that I'm gonna, like, sleep with him.

Yeah, you know, I wish I could,

but I really got to get back to that model U.N. thing.

- You'll be fine. - Maybe I'll just go back to your house.

I'll come in.

...man

[notes play]

- Are you here to apologize? - No.

Did she tell you? She threw out my mustard.

Okay. So what's this really about?

I'm just upset that we've been living together for a while now.

- Two weeks. - Things have been going really well.

- We were getting closer. - Eh...

And then she goes and throws away a perfectly good mustard!

So, wait, this is literally about a jar of mustard?

I didn't touch your stupid mustard!

- Kate, vouch for me. - Oh, really? It's stupid?

It wasn't so stupid when you were putting it on your sandwich!

- And pretzel! - This is literally about a jar of mustard?

- Yeah. - Just go buy new mustard!

Oh, yeah, I'll just go to the freaking store

and get a new curry-infused mustard from my cousin!

What are you doing?! You're being ridiculous!

- He's being ridiculous, right? - You're both being ridiculous.

It's mustard! It's a condiment!

And not even the best one!

Hey! What the hell, man? You were supposed to back me up.

I don't have time to babysit your crazy relationships, okay?

- I have stuff to do. - Oh, what, like model U.N.?

'Cause fake government meetings are so important?

You want to know the truth? There is no model U.N., okay?

It was a fake-fake government meeting.

- You lied to me? - Yes, I lied to you. I had to.

You came into my home, and you ate Hillary's solar system,

then you puked in Warren's slippers,

and then you traumatized the neighbor's kid

- by showing him your boobs. - He loved it. It was fun.

Remember that? You used to like fun.

Well, I still do like fun, okay, but now I have responsibilities.

I can't be out till 2:00 A.M. in the morning drinking Meg-nog.

Well, I don't want to hang around

and watch you fold laundry and make snacks.

Fine, then maybe we should just take a break.

- Maybe we should. - Uh... yeah.

Hey, don't forget to put on your seatbelt

and use your turn signals, mom!

[engine turns over]

Hey, I found the mustard. So we're good, right?

[sighs]

I think I've been pretty clear about this.

My client's claim is that the fish were dead

before he disposed of the tetra-cyanide in the lake.

I got to go. I hate my job. [cellphone beeps]

Meg and I just got into the hugest fight.

We're done. Friendship is over.

Is this a bad time to ask about an E.T.A. on dinner?

Is this a bad time for a joke? Okay. What happened?

Did she expose herself to more children?

No, worse. She told me that I wasn't fun anymore.

Me. I'm super-fun! Like, I bring the fun, you know?

I can make anything fun!

- Like, like, this pen! - This is fun.

Well, not that ... oh, noodles!

Look! Whoo! Party!

[sighs]

- It's fun. - What if we're growing apart, Pete?

Well, it happens. People do.

No, but Meg's been my best friend since 8th grade.

Pick up the phone, call Meg, apologize.

- No. - It doesn't matter who apologizes to who.

Nobody's gonna remember the next day.

Wait, do you apologize to me for things

- that you're not really sorry for? - I'm sorry.

[groans]

I probably shouldn't have said that.

So, what's your mom like when she's mad?

You know, she's, um ... she's a little bit happier

than she is when she's not mad because, um, she loves being mad.

Oh, boy. [knocking on door]

Diane! Hi!

- Do you want to see my room? - I do!

But first I want to say hello to your mother and brother.

Okay. Do you want a butterscotch?

We keep them in this bowl by the door.

Oh. I do! Thank you, little guy.

I can't believe that you're playing with toys

instead of studying for your test!

Well, I-I mean, Jackie said that it was stupid

to take a test just to prepare for another test.

[crunches] Uh...

Can I ... can I talk to you for a minute?

So, uh, well, uh ... um...

I think Warren's very sensitive,

and I think he's having, like, a hard time living up

to your expectations and ...

- Excuse me. - Yeah.

- Did you just pull me aside? - Um, did ... uh, I'm ... hmm. Did I?

Okay, 'cause first of all, no one pulls me aside.

- Oh. - I pull people aside.

Oh, I can ... yeah ... see that.

Second of all, if Warren is bothered by something,

I'm sure he'll talk to me about it.

Oh, but, see, he's not telling you because, um, you're... terrifying.

[chuckles, scoffs]

Come on, Warren. Let's go.

[sighs]

Warren, no, you can't go. I can't do this without you.

Yes, you can, Bert. You can do a half-step offset,

which I couldn't do until I was like 10.

And I'm the best damn Lego builder I've ever met.

You've got this.

[dog barking in distance]

- Why are you here? - Can I...?

I'm here because I am in love with your best friend,

and it is killing her to think that she might be losing you.

Really? Because she basically abandoned me

the second that you guys got married.

Seriously, like, the day after your wedding,

- she just vanished for like a week. - You're talking about our honeymoon?

If she cared about me so much, why didn't she come here herself?

Well, you ... uh... you know Kate.

She's irrational. She's emotional.

She's a loose cannon. Uh, she needs you.

- You ... you ground her. - Yeah. I do.

- Did she say that? - Yeah.

I mean, I'm ... I'm paraphrasing a little bit,

but s-she thinks about you all the time.

So you're saying I'm still the most

- important person in her life? - Sure.

I packed up all my stuff, except my free weights.

They're... too heavy to lift.

This your new guy?

- No. - No, no, no, no, no.

No, I'm, uh ... I'm Pete Harrison.

- You must be Kevin. - It's Kevin with a "T."

You mean Tevin with a "T."

No, man, that wouldn't make any sense. Tevin already has a "T."

You're right. Your way makes much more sense.

Okay, Tevin, this is Kate's husband.

- Oh, she's hot! - Well, thank you.

- Man, you must be loaded. - I get by.

Bam-oh! [laughs]

- How much you make a year? - Let's talk numbers.

Okay, you know, I should probably get going.

It was great to meet you, Tevin.

You guys are great together.

Diane: I know you think I'm hard on you Warren,

but I just want you to have it better than I did.

I-I want you to be prepared for the future.

I hate the future. I just didn't realize

that you had to have it all figured out by now.

You don't. You're only 15.

And did you know what you wanted to be when you grew up?

Not even close. I had no idea.

I only knew that I wanted to be a surgeon

and study under Dr. Simprucci at Stanford,

but no clue what I wanted to specialize in.

That makes me feel better.

I just want you to do your best and focus.

And what if I'm not good at anything?

You're good at lots of things. I mean, come on.

What you were doing today ...

it required, um, infrastructure.

So you could be an engineer, right?

- Yeah. - Okay.

It required following a complex blueprint.

- So you could be an architect. - Yeah.

And it required communicating with Jackie.

Hello. You could be an animal trainer.

[chuckles]

- I'm the best. - Yes, you are.

- Thanks, Mom. - Yeah.

You're awesome ... oh, wait, wait.

Or should I say... "exonerated"?

[laughing] Okay. Okay, let's get you a tutor.

[knock on door]

- Hey. - Oh. Hey.

- Hey, Hillary! - Tevin: Hey.

- Hey, it's the Pete man! - Kevin with a "T."

I thought this place would be bigger.

Oh, hi, Meg! My homework's almost finished.

Would you like for me to heat it up for you?

Uh, look, while we'll never know what actually happened

to your project, I felt bad, so I thought I'd hook you up.

Thanks, but I'm already high on life.

Oh. Don't say that.

I made you... this.

- Wow. - You're welcome.

- Thanks. - Kate: Meg, this is amazing.

I mean, this must have taken you like an hour.

I know. I really came through.

Um, guys, I think this is missing some planets.

Uh, well, little girl, scientists don't agree

on how many planets there are.

Well, yeah, but they all agree there's more than five.

Don't worry, honey. I'll help you make a new one that has an Earth.

Okay.

- I'm sorry I lied to you. - I'm sorry I said your life was crappy...

and for what I called you on facebook.

- [gasps] I'll take it down. - I can't believe you.

Bam-oh! Reconciled!

- Bring it in, big guy. - No.

- It felt like the right moment. - Not yet. Maybe never.

[music in TV]

...just keep those hands back

no, you don't grab that

Channing Tatum's not only bearing his body. # go on and lean back #

he's bearing his soul. # give me more cash #

- Stop talking. - It's a character piece ...

the story of a young man whose journey ...

Pete, stop. I didn't talk during "Lincoln."

Hey, where did that guy's pants go?

Where's the remote?! Where's the remote?!

Um, Bert, um...

that guy is a liar, so his pants are on fire.

- Is that why the fireman's there? - Yes. Exactly.

Oh, here it is. Wrong remote.

Hey, Kate, look. I'm shaking my butt like that cowboy.

- Hey, cowboy! Time for bed! - Oh, Pete, I found it.

[music continues]

give me more cash

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