Original subtitles

A year ago, I was single,

without a care in the world.

Today, I'm married with three stepkids,

and I'm wasted in the back of my husband's ex-wife's car.

His first ex-wife.

You might be wondering the same thing I am.

How did I get here?

♪ Oh, it feels so right ♪

Well, last year, the closest thing I had to a family

was my best friend, Meg.

We did everything together.

We were ramen-eating, random-dating,

party-hopping single, and we had fun.

Any time one of us went through a breakup,

we'd head to casa Grande for karaoke,

and lately, there had been a lot of karaoke.

But I was a romantic, so I knew

when I finally met the right guy,

I'd jump right in.

So sorry. Okay, don't freak out,

but you're bleeding. Can I get some napkins, please?

- I'm so sorry. - I'm okay... This hurts.

He was charming, and even though I broke his nose,

he insisted the doctor see me first.

- You call that a scar? - Yeah.

Look at this. I slipped on an icy step in law school.

Sued the school. I won, and it paid for law school.

Oh, yeah? Check this one out. Punched a crossing guard.

2002. Cliff diving, Costa Rica.

Right before I go,

I noticed a small... Melanoma.

Two things you should know about me.

One, love Costa Rica, two, hate melanoma.

One thing you should know about me. I'm allergic to nuts.

Dad!

And then, I met his family.

The baby-sitter called and said that you were in the hospital,

so I rounded the kids up and told them to prepare for the worst.

- She did say that. - You're married.

Uh, this is my ex-wife Jackie.

- Hi. - This is my son Warren.

- My daughter Hillary. - I found gum.

- No, don't. - You should put that down.

Warren, drop it.

It's probably covered in fecal matter.

Yes!

And then, I met his whole family.

- You are married. - No, that's my other ex-wife.

She's the mother of the twins.

- Jackie is Bert's mom. - I'm from China.

So, Pete,

Dr. Bikel says you broke your nose

in a bar. How did that happen?

Um... well, uh, I was in a restaurant...

Okay, this is an ancient healing technique I've been working on.

It's called Reiki.

It really does a thing...

Excuse me. Can you hold this, please, young lady?

Jackie, do you mind if I try a modern healing technique called science?

- Sit up. - Sit up?

Kids, look away.

Thank you.

That hurt.

But I can breathe.

Dad, I can't get this back in.

- Oh, Bert! -

Would you ever wanna go out for coffee?

I'm free Tuesdays, Thursdays and every other weekend.

Some girls would have said no,

but I liked him, so I jumped right in.

Sure. Yeah.

- I'm free every other weekend. - Good.

I mean, I always wanted a husband and family.

I just didn't expect to meet them all in one night.

So now I'm here,

and I've got everything under control.

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Oh, you little...

Come on. Just shut up.

Yes!

Hey, guys. Just makin' breakfast.

Yeah, we heard.

- Oh, hey, hey, my trident. - Oh, thanks, Warren.

I'm not Warren.

- I'm Poseidon, God of the sea. - Oh, that's great.

Hey, less smoke than yesterday.

- Dad, yes! - Honey, you need some help?

No, I'm getting the hang of it.

How's the case going?

It's going well. I have all the evidence.

I just can't put together...

- The argument? - The easel.

Guys, you gotta go to school, chop chop.

- I love you both. - I love you, too.

- Have fun at model U.N. - Thanks, I will.

So, hill, you excited for the concert? Okay, good talk.

- She's going with Chelsea trasin. - Who's Chelsea trasin?

This junior with an awesome butt.

Hill, when I was your age, I loved going to concerts.

There was this one year, we were at Lollapalooza,

and it just started pouring rain.

Everyone was just moshin' in the mud, totally drunk.

What do you mean, drunk? Did you have a fake?

No, we just put vodka in the water bottles to get past security.

- Oh, right. - So it stops raining,

- and the biggest rainbow pops out. - A rainbow?

Wow! Our ride's here.

- Talk to you later, Kate. - Bye, Warren.

Thanks for the breakfast.

Have fun at model U.N., Hill.

You can stop trying so hard.

Nobody expects you to be a mom.

Just think of yourself more as my dad's third wife. Bye.

Um, not that won't work,

because his mother's in surgery,

and I'm preparing a case.

It's Warren's teacher. She wants me to come in.

Does it have to be today?

I'll go. I'll go.

Please, it'll give me the chance to be like,

you know, like a parent.

Bert's got orchestra.

No, I'll get Meg to take him.

She got a car, and a license.

You know what? My wife is gonna come in.

Warren's stepmom.

No, his... new stepmom.

Yeah, she will be there. Okay.

Who's the queen? Who's the queen?

Your mama's the queen.

You're gonna do great.

I'm gonna do great.

Why don't I just... I'm gonna hold it.

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- Hey, what's up, milf? - Shut up, toolbox.

- Hey, Jackie. - Hi, Meg.

Kate asked me to take Bert to orchestra today.

You know, I would do it myself,

but my day is nuts. Crazy. It's cuckoo.

I joined this organic food co-op

that's so great.

- I got 30 zucchinis for six bucks. - Wow.

I was, like, what, they were, like, yeah. I go, what?

Hey.

All right, I'll see you on Monday.

But in the meantime, take these with you.

One thousand hugs.

Two thousand noseys.

Three thousand butterfly kisses.

You know Monday's in three days, right?

Okay, have fun.

Hello.

Hi, Miss Steinberg. I'm Kate Harrison.

Warren's stepmother. Lovely to meet you.

Oh, my goodness, you're so young.

- You could be a student here. - Oh, so could you.

Student of life, you know.

We're all aging.

Great pin.

Oh, thank you.

I'll just, uh...

Brought a notepad.

Diane.

I didn't think you were coming.

Of course I was coming. Warren's my son.

- Margaret. - Dr. Buckley.

- Where's Peter? - He's working, so I'm here.

Well, I had to postpone an osteochondral autograft this afternoon,

but you don't see me making a Federal case about of it.

Well, actually, it is a Federal case,

so he's making about it... What it is about.

- Let's begin, shall we? - Yes.

So, saxophone. That's your thing?

I don't know.

I like soccer, I like the solar system,

and I like legos.

I'm saving up my allowance to buy a lego fire station.

Its $106.

- How much do you have? - Eight.

Good luck with that.

Are you taking me to a bar?

- I won't go in. - Relax.

I'll be out in two seconds.

I'm just gonna pick up my paycheck.

I have to be there by 3:00

if we're late, I don't get to solo.

Kate?

Kate, is that you?

How did it go?

Jackie. What are you doing here?

Um, just... hamster stuff.

What do you mean, an unusual passage?

Well, we've been reading Greek mythology.

Oh, yeah, Warren is really into Poseidon, God of the sea.

Yes, Kate, everybody knows who Poseidon is.

Perhaps if you would just read what he wrote.

Okay.

"Poseidon left the sea where he lived,

"and came to the island where she lived.

"Poseidon moved in to kiss her,

"'I'm too old for you,' she said,

her breasts heaving like milky grapefruits."

Oh, my God.

Sorry. Please proceed.

"'Age ain't nothin' but a number,' declared Poseidon,

"and then, with his agile tongue,

"he licked her ankle tattoo until it glistened.

"He could wait no longer.

- His mighty trident ripped through his..." - Hello!

- That's enough. - That's enough.

How could he have thought this was appropriate to turn in?

I'm as shocked as you are, Diane.

We're both equally as shocked.

And I am dismayed. Diane, are you dismayed?

- What is that on your ankle? - What's what?

It's you, your milky grapefruits.

Oh, come on, Diane.

This... this story might not be about me.

And let's be honest. These are not grapefruits.

These are peaches, at most. No complaints. Not relevant.

Okay, please, Kate, it's obvious

that you're the subject of Warren's erotica.

When my children are at your house, what do you wear?

- Nothing. - Mm-hmm.

No, I wear pajamas, of course,

Warren is a 15-year-old boy.

A strong gust of wind can give him an erection.

I'm a doctor, Kate. I have forgotten more about erections

than you'll ever learn.

Okay, why don't we discuss how we'd like to proceed?

I think it'd be best if you let me handle it from here.

Of course.

It was lovely meeting you, Miss Steinberg.

Sorry. Uh, sorry.

Okay, just to review.

Instead of having a difficult but honest discussion with Burt,

you chose to break into my home,

kidnap my hamster, replace with your dead hamster,

- and make me deal with it? - Uh, yeah. Correct.

And since Jose and meatball... don't look...

Are twins, I just thought I'd just, you know,

and I didn't break into your home. Relax.

- I used the hide-a-key. - We don't have a hide-a-key.

- I do. - You have a hide-a-key?

Don't worry. It's, like, hidden.

- Give me Jose. - No.

- No, no, no. - Jose, come here.

Don't let him get away!

Okay, well, we'll just...

We'll put him back in the cage,

- and you'll tell him that he just... - Exploded?

So my stepson is a horn dog.

What's a horn dog?

It's a super-cute dog.

Hi, buddy. Why are you calling me from Meg's phone?

She left me in the car and went to a bar.

- Are you okay? - Yeah.

The window's open a little, so I can breathe.

Great. Good. You just make sure that Meg calls me

as soon as she gets back, okay?

Um, okay. Sure. Bye.

Unbelievable.

Ugh, this day.

- Let me in. - No.

I'm late. Now I can't solo.

Yes, you can. You can solo alone.

That's what solo means. Alone.

I'm a grownup, and as a grownup,

I command you to open this door.

You're not even a real grownup.

Your car is full of garbage and shoes.

How about you buy me the fire station?

Why don't you let me in the car

and we'll drive to the toy store together?

Do you think I was born yesterday?

I was born in 2006.

I think you can walk.

This is great. Now I can get back to work.

I can't believe we found two identical spotted hamsters.

All right, that'll be 34.99 for the two of them.

- We're paying separately. We're divorced. - Focus.

- Yeah, I mean, he does pay me alimony. - Focus.

Yeah, okay. Oh, sorry. Hamsters. Um...

- So much stuff in here. - What is that?

- This? It's a phone. - In the bag.

Oh. Oh. This is nothing.

You should see the one he killed.

Get out!

- Come on. - Out!

What the hell?

Hillary!

What are you doing here? Subbing?

That better not be what I think it is.

- I'm allowed to drink water. - It was a story, hill, not a helpful hint.

- Give me the bottle. - No.

Hillary, let's go.

Give me the bottle or I'm telling your mother.

Please don't let my mom find out. You know how she is.

When I quit gym, she made me train for a 10k.

Fine, but me and your dad are gonna ground the crap outta you.

Dad and I.

Hillary, let's go.

Kate, have Peter call me this evening.

- Of course. - You know what?

I'm thirsty. I need a soda.

You're not having sodas. Soda's for summer.

Kate, give him your water.

Kate, the water bottle.

It's warm.

- What difference does that make? - No!

I'm really thirsty, too.

That hit the spot.

Charming. Come on, sweetie.

I don't understand how a person can just lose their car keys.

Warren, behave yourself.

- I didn't do anything. - Kate.

Do you want some mints?

Thank you, stepdaughter.

Kate, can I have one?

That's the fourth store we've been to. No twins. We're screwed.

So like my Pete. Oh, so focused on the negative.

Jackie, it's over. It's over.

Well, what are you gonna tell Burt?

We are gonna tell him the truth,

no matter how painful, no matter how difficult. We'll tell him the truth.

No big deal. Just tell him the truth.

No matter how many tears...

- Don't, don't. - Come down his little chubby cheeks.

Thanks for the ride, Dr. Pepper.

No, no, no. I'll be going inside

to discuss today's events with... Peter!

Oh, don't. I'll go inside and discuss the day's events with... Peter!

Hey, Meg got me a present.

That's great.

Meg, what the hell? You left him in the car?

And then he took me for $100. He's no victim.

Peter, there's something I'd like to talk to you about.

Would everybody please just go home?

Oh, Diane. You are an oak.

- Just a second. - Hey, baby.

We need to give Burt his...

Brand-new puppy!

Oh, my God! It's a horn dog!

They were gonna euthanize it, you guys.

What's euthanize?

Okay!

Neighbors are filming. In the house.

Dad, horn dog needs water.

I got it, I got it.

Peter, I need to speak to you about Warren, in private.

There are no secrets in this family.

I have a secret, too, actually.

I think we should go in order of wives. Me first.

I know you're talking about me.

Oh, my God, these flavors are outrageous.

Hey, can I have Burt's fire station?

- Is that poo? - Oh, poo!

- Ew! - I got it, I got it.

- Hello! Hillary? - Look, it's another person.

What is this, guys, Thanksgiving?

- Chelsea. - Hi.

Fancy meeting you here. Are you...

Excited for daylight savings?

Um... sure?

- Extra hour's sleep. - Milky grapefruits.

Good, good.

Oh, my God. Oh! Look.

Look. Look, Diane. Look what I found.

- Am I in trouble or something? - Sh. Shut up.

Diane...

All day long, you have patronized me,

and made me feel like a criminal.

And as it turns out, you were wrong.

It wasn't me.

I think that I demand an apology.

Is your nanny drunk?

I am not the nanny. I am one of the wives.

She is not drunk. You're not drunk.

- She's drunk. - Are you drunk?

That does it. I am suing for full custody.

Diane, you promised to be less litigious.

You promised to grow up and not marry a child bride.

- That's really inappropriate. - A child bride?!

Okay, stop! It's my fault.

I was trying to sneak vodka in my water bottle,

and Kate caught me and took it away.

I didn't want you to find out,

because I know you would send me to, like, rehab, and I don't even drink.

Yeah, I don't drink either.

Kate drank that vodka to protect me.

I'm sorry, Kate. I shouldn't have put you through this.

- Come here, stepdaughter. - Oh, okay.

Maybe you do need a rehab.

Oh, go to promises. You will meet a celebrity.

No one is going to rehab.

Hillary, you're not going to the concert.

Your mother and I are gonna discuss punishment.

Wait, the concert's in an hour.

Who am I supposed to go with?

I'll go with you.

Um... okay.

Really?

- Yeah, okay. - Yes!

Hey, buddy, leave the trident.

Hey.

How you feelin'?

Oh, this'll make you feel better.

You puked, didn't you?

Yeah. Twice.

Yeah, you got kind of a bologna-Martini thing goin' on.

If someone had told me a year ago that I'd be

married with three stepkids right now,

I'd have laughed in their face.

I have no idea what I'm doing.

I have no idea what I'm doing.

I bought Burt a puppy today because I killed Jose.

- The gardener? - The hamster.

Dad, Jose's not in his cage. Can you help me look for him?

Yeah, buddy, I'm sure he's around here somewhere.

- Oh, you are going to hell. - Yes, I am.

Jose, where are you?

I'll get the flashlight.

So I'm still figuring things out,

but tomorrow, I'm gonna get up

and jump in all over again.

I just hope I don't throw up.

How long you been here?

22 minutes.

And was it worth buying 50 hide-a-keys for this?

Oh, absolutely.

This feels different. It feels different.

Yes. No. Damn it.

Wait, is this the right house?

I'm gonna sense it.

Yeah, it's the right house. Oh, here you are.

Door isn't even locked.

I know.

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