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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,960
Stand and deliver, coachman!
2
00:00:03,960 --> 00:00:06,480
Hand me that musket
or I'll blow your brains out!
3
00:00:06,480 --> 00:00:10,480
Very well, coachman. You were
warned. Prepare to meet thy maker.
4
00:00:10,800 --> 00:00:12,440
Bang.
5
00:00:12,440 --> 00:00:15,640
Lord Woolford, I'll give you three
seconds to open the carriage door
6
00:00:15,640 --> 00:00:17,360
or I'll smash the glass.
7
00:00:17,360 --> 00:00:19,960
Sma...
8
00:00:19,960 --> 00:00:23,600
This programme contains strong language,
adult humour and full frontal nudity.
9
00:00:23,600 --> 00:00:26,000
Smash!
I warned you, Lord Woolford!
10
00:00:26,000 --> 00:00:28,400
Whack!
That's great, Ray. Thanks, Danny.
11
00:00:28,400 --> 00:00:29,659
Why am I doing sound effects?
12
00:00:29,739 --> 00:00:31,520
Just following
the client's instructions.
13
00:00:31,520 --> 00:00:34,360
Here we go. One minute into the job,
Toast starts complaining.
14
00:00:34,360 --> 00:00:37,120
You've got a script. Quit your
bellyaching and be professional!
15
00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:38,960
Fuck off!
It's just me saying the words!
16
00:00:38,960 --> 00:00:40,840
Er, Steven, I'm Clem Fandango.
17
00:00:40,840 --> 00:00:43,720
I know who you are. It's just me
saying the words. Why?
18
00:00:43,720 --> 00:00:46,880
Well, in the script it's indicated
at various places, so, for instance...
19
00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:49,360
Yeah. "During the robbery,
we need the sound of a bang."
20
00:00:49,360 --> 00:00:51,760
Well, then use the sound
of a real gunshot,
21
00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:53,120
not just me saying, "Bang"!
22
00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:54,480
And later on here,
23
00:00:54,480 --> 00:00:56,080
it says, "Honk"!
24
00:00:56,080 --> 00:00:57,160
Sound of a horn, yeah.
25
00:00:57,160 --> 00:00:58,916
Well, "honk" doesn't
sound like a horn,
26
00:00:58,996 --> 00:01:00,840
it just sounds like
a fellow going, "Honk"!
27
00:01:00,840 --> 00:01:04,840
Might have something
to help you there.
28
00:01:04,840 --> 00:01:06,720
Good call, Danny. Thanks.
29
00:01:06,720 --> 00:01:08,800
Cheers.
30
00:01:08,800 --> 00:01:10,920
DOOR CLOSES
All right, Steven, in your own time.
31
00:01:10,920 --> 00:01:14,800
In YOUR own time.
32
00:01:14,800 --> 00:01:16,400
HORN HONKS
33
00:01:16,400 --> 00:01:18,680
That's great, Steven.
34
00:01:18,680 --> 00:01:20,120
HORN HONKS
35
00:01:20,120 --> 00:01:21,160
Keep going.
36
00:01:21,160 --> 00:01:22,200
HORN HONKS
37
00:01:22,200 --> 00:01:23,600
RAY MOUTHS
HORN HONKS
38
00:01:23,600 --> 00:01:26,600
HORN HONKS
39
00:01:26,600 --> 00:01:30,600
HORN HONKS
40
00:01:57,320 --> 00:01:58,800
Ah, Ormond. How are you?
41
00:01:58,800 --> 00:02:00,760
Mighty glad to be
getting out of this place,
42
00:02:00,760 --> 00:02:02,120
I can tell you, Ed.
43
00:02:02,120 --> 00:02:03,880
Ah, Toast, you're here, too.
44
00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:06,040
All right, old chap? Are you ready?
45
00:02:06,040 --> 00:02:09,040
Thanks for collecting me, you two.
Loyal friends.
46
00:02:09,040 --> 00:02:10,360
Loyal friends.
47
00:02:10,360 --> 00:02:13,240
We'll have you safely back in
your cosy flat in a couple of hours.
48
00:02:13,240 --> 00:02:15,080
Terrific.
ENGINE STARTS
49
00:02:15,080 --> 00:02:19,080
I wonder if we might just
stop off down the road.
50
00:02:19,120 --> 00:02:21,480
There's a delightful-looking
old country pub
51
00:02:21,480 --> 00:02:23,840
that I saw from the ambulance
on the way here.
52
00:02:23,840 --> 00:02:24,960
Is that wise, Ormond?
53
00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:27,960
You've just spent three months
in rehab for chronic alcoholism.
54
00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:29,600
Oh, nonsense!
55
00:02:29,600 --> 00:02:31,600
I'm completely cured now.
56
00:02:31,600 --> 00:02:34,560
One little snifter's hardly
going to make any difference.
57
00:02:34,560 --> 00:02:37,560
What do you think, Toast?
58
00:02:37,560 --> 00:02:41,560
All right, but just the one, though.
59
00:02:45,080 --> 00:02:48,280
What the hell do you know
about the theatre?!
60
00:02:48,280 --> 00:02:52,280
I was treading the boards
and powdering my face
61
00:02:52,480 --> 00:02:54,480
when your mother...
62
00:02:54,480 --> 00:02:58,480
was powdering your arse!
63
00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:03,720
Bit of a slip-up.
64
00:03:03,720 --> 00:03:05,520
Ah, Ormond. How are you?
65
00:03:05,520 --> 00:03:08,480
Well, mightily glad to be out
of this place, Ed, I can tell you.
66
00:03:08,480 --> 00:03:11,200
Thanks for collecting me, you two.
67
00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:13,920
Loyal friends. Loyal friends.
68
00:03:13,920 --> 00:03:17,920
We'll have you safely back in
your cosy flat in a couple of hours.
69
00:03:18,120 --> 00:03:19,960
I wonder if we might just
stop off...
70
00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:22,080
Now, remember what
happened last time, Ormond?
71
00:03:22,080 --> 00:03:23,800
We went to that pub,
you got wildly drunk
72
00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:26,360
and we had to immediately
drop you off back in rehab.
73
00:03:26,360 --> 00:03:30,360
Well, come on, boys! It's hardly
likely to happen again, is it?
74
00:03:32,480 --> 00:03:35,760
Have I seen Shopping And Fucking?
75
00:03:35,760 --> 00:03:39,760
Somebody actually called their play
Shopping And Fuck...?
76
00:03:40,840 --> 00:03:43,920
We are teetering
on the eve of Sodom,
77
00:03:43,920 --> 00:03:47,920
and you tell me
that this is progress?!
78
00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:54,560
Honestly, Toast!
79
00:03:54,560 --> 00:03:58,560
I gave you strict, simple
instructions to take him home,
80
00:03:58,760 --> 00:04:00,160
but no!
81
00:04:00,160 --> 00:04:04,160
You had the great idea of
transporting a recovering alcoholic
82
00:04:04,840 --> 00:04:08,080
straight from rehab to the pub!
83
00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:10,120
Seven times!
84
00:04:10,120 --> 00:04:12,320
Jane, you don't know how
persuasive he can be.
85
00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:13,800
"Just the one," he said.
86
00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:15,520
They all say that, you cretin!
87
00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:18,360
This always happens
when he's not working.
88
00:04:18,360 --> 00:04:21,280
Luckily, when he comes
out in three months' time
89
00:04:21,280 --> 00:04:24,320
I've got him a job in Man Of Sex
at the Playhouse.
90
00:04:24,320 --> 00:04:27,480
Man Of Sex? Isn't that the play
I'm doing with Ray bloody Purchase?
91
00:04:27,480 --> 00:04:29,760
Yes, and you both
can keep an eye on Ormond
92
00:04:29,760 --> 00:04:31,720
and make sure he stays
off the sauce!
93
00:04:31,720 --> 00:04:33,320
Well, luckily, HE'S hardly in it.
94
00:04:33,320 --> 00:04:36,720
Ah, yes!
95
00:04:36,720 --> 00:04:40,120
Why did you say, "Ah, yes!"
to me like that, Jane?
96
00:04:40,120 --> 00:04:41,600
Sorry.
97
00:04:41,600 --> 00:04:45,360
I should have been looking for a piece
of paper on my desk, shouldn't I? Now...
98
00:04:45,360 --> 00:04:48,120
Ah, yes!
99
00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:49,160
Well, what is it?
100
00:04:49,160 --> 00:04:51,760
Well, this might interest you.
Your ex-wife Ellen...
101
00:04:51,760 --> 00:04:54,400
My ex-wife Ellen...
She's about to publish a book.
102
00:04:54,400 --> 00:04:57,000
What kind of book? Is it fiction?
Jilly Cooper type of thing?
103
00:04:57,000 --> 00:04:59,040
No, not fiction.
Autobiography, I imagine.
104
00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:00,120
Oh, God!
105
00:05:00,120 --> 00:05:02,760
Obviously, you were married
to her for 12 years.
106
00:05:02,760 --> 00:05:05,040
Anything we need to be
worried about?
107
00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:08,360
Any skeletons in your cupboard
she's likely to uncover?
108
00:05:08,360 --> 00:05:10,400
Well, she's bound to mention me
a lot.
109
00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:12,480
And it won't be entirely flattering.
110
00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:15,120
When did you last see her?
About a year ago.
111
00:05:15,120 --> 00:05:16,360
No, Ellen!
112
00:05:16,360 --> 00:05:18,560
If you want to gain entrance
to the house,
113
00:05:18,560 --> 00:05:20,520
you'll have to go through
your lawyers.
114
00:05:20,520 --> 00:05:22,400
Out of my way, Toast!
115
00:05:22,400 --> 00:05:24,080
No, Ellen, I'm standing firm.
116
00:05:24,080 --> 00:05:26,720
Don't...ever...
117
00:05:26,720 --> 00:05:28,680
tell...me what to...
118
00:05:28,680 --> 00:05:30,360
THUD
..do!
119
00:05:30,360 --> 00:05:34,360
Ooh!
SHE LAUGHS
120
00:05:39,080 --> 00:05:41,400
Funny! Funny stuff!
121
00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:44,000
No, it wasn't, Jane!
I was in tremendous pain.
122
00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:48,000
Anyway, I'm off up the hill
to Bedfordshire. Literally.
123
00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:51,400
Bedfordshire? Isn't that
where your new girlfriend lives?
124
00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:53,440
Yes, it is.
125
00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:54,840
The drummer lady?
126
00:05:54,840 --> 00:05:58,640
Varrity Map. She happens
to be a doctor of drumming.
127
00:05:58,640 --> 00:06:00,960
I didn't know you could be
a doctor of drumming.
128
00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:03,200
Well, you can,
if you're very good at the drumming.
129
00:06:03,200 --> 00:06:04,240
Fascinating.
130
00:06:04,240 --> 00:06:07,440
It is fascinating. I'm going to
see her gaff for the first time.
131
00:06:07,440 --> 00:06:09,080
She's promised to cook for me.
132
00:06:09,080 --> 00:06:13,080
Lucky Toast. Ooof!
133
00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:20,000
FAINT DRUMMING
134
00:06:22,360 --> 00:06:24,200
RHYTHMIC TAPPING
135
00:06:24,200 --> 00:06:26,280
ECHOES TAPPING RHYTHM
136
00:06:26,280 --> 00:06:28,280
THEY TAP RHYTHM TOGETHER
137
00:06:28,280 --> 00:06:32,280
COMPLEX PERCUSSION RHYTHM
138
00:06:37,360 --> 00:06:40,320
DOORBELL CHIMES
139
00:06:40,320 --> 00:06:44,320
ECHOES CHIMING TUNE
140
00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:48,960
PHONE BEEPS TUNE
141
00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:54,240
ECHOES PHONE TUNE
142
00:06:54,240 --> 00:06:57,320
HE SIGHS
143
00:06:57,320 --> 00:06:59,520
HE SIGHS
144
00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:02,800
FAINT DRUMMING
145
00:07:02,800 --> 00:07:04,600
TAPS DELICATE RHYTHM
146
00:07:04,600 --> 00:07:05,720
TOAST ECHOES RHYTHM
147
00:07:05,720 --> 00:07:06,800
TAPPING IN UNISON
148
00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:08,520
VARRITY TAPS RHYTHM
149
00:07:08,520 --> 00:07:11,560
TAPPING IN UNISON
150
00:07:11,560 --> 00:07:12,880
WIND CHIMES TINKLE
151
00:07:12,880 --> 00:07:16,040
Ah, Toast! There you are!
152
00:07:16,040 --> 00:07:18,680
Come in, it's open.
153
00:07:18,680 --> 00:07:20,120
DRUMROLL FINALE
154
00:07:20,120 --> 00:07:23,440
Welcome to chez moi.
155
00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:25,160
It's quite a lot of drums, Varrity.
156
00:07:25,160 --> 00:07:29,160
Yes! Well, I'm rehearsing a
piece for the symphony orchestra,
157
00:07:29,280 --> 00:07:32,160
so I'm very much in the zone.
158
00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:35,160
So, what do you want to do?
159
00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:37,920
Well, I'm starving. You said you
were going to cook me something.
160
00:07:37,920 --> 00:07:40,160
Yes, I did, didn't I?
161
00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:41,440
Yes, you did.
162
00:07:41,440 --> 00:07:42,480
DRUMROLL
163
00:07:42,480 --> 00:07:44,240
Pour me a glass, Toast.
164
00:07:44,240 --> 00:07:47,080
Red, white or rose?
165
00:07:47,080 --> 00:07:48,560
Why not open all three?
166
00:07:48,560 --> 00:07:51,840
Yeah!
167
00:07:51,840 --> 00:07:53,240
Hnnng...
168
00:07:53,240 --> 00:07:57,240
SHE GASPS
169
00:07:57,720 --> 00:07:59,280
HE SIGHS
170
00:07:59,280 --> 00:08:02,440
Hnnng...
171
00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:03,880
Oh!
172
00:08:03,880 --> 00:08:06,760
Jesus Christ, woman!
173
00:08:06,760 --> 00:08:08,480
HE SIGHS
174
00:08:08,480 --> 00:08:11,880
Supremely talented and very much
in demand for her skills.
175
00:08:11,880 --> 00:08:13,360
She's a great gal.
176
00:08:13,360 --> 00:08:16,200
Her grandfather was quite famous,
you know. Frank Forfolk.
177
00:08:16,200 --> 00:08:20,200
Round-the-world yachtsman. I have
his autobiography, Forfolk's Sake.
178
00:08:20,240 --> 00:08:22,240
You must remember it? No, I don't.
179
00:08:22,240 --> 00:08:24,640
Oh, you must remember it!
Forfolk's Sake.
180
00:08:24,640 --> 00:08:26,320
No, I don't.
181
00:08:26,320 --> 00:08:28,640
That's what it's called.
182
00:08:28,640 --> 00:08:30,520
Ah, yes.
183
00:08:30,520 --> 00:08:33,240
So, how long have you two
been stepping out now?
184
00:08:33,240 --> 00:08:34,560
Three months.
185
00:08:34,560 --> 00:08:37,840
And I can honestly say, I hardly notice
her incessant drumming any more.
186
00:08:37,840 --> 00:08:41,840
And is this syncopation matched by her
rhythmic gyrations in the bedroom?
187
00:08:41,880 --> 00:08:43,920
Well, let's just say
we're very much in sync
188
00:08:43,920 --> 00:08:47,920
when it comes to the art
of love-makingggg...
189
00:08:49,680 --> 00:08:51,680
What the hell is that?
190
00:08:51,680 --> 00:08:55,040
Oh, it's a charity calendar,
produced by Healthy Man Monthly.
191
00:08:55,040 --> 00:08:56,640
It's a chap's doodah.
192
00:08:56,640 --> 00:09:00,640
Yes, 12 male celebrities agreed to
have their privates photographed.
193
00:09:01,080 --> 00:09:02,720
This one is...
194
00:09:02,720 --> 00:09:03,760
Let's see, er...
195
00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:05,040
Ah, it's Gyles Brandreth.
196
00:09:05,040 --> 00:09:06,440
Ohh!
197
00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:09,120
Who else is in there?
198
00:09:09,120 --> 00:09:10,840
Prince Charles,
199
00:09:10,840 --> 00:09:12,560
Ian Hislop,
200
00:09:12,560 --> 00:09:14,680
John Bishop... Who?
201
00:09:14,680 --> 00:09:17,480
The Archbishop of Canterbury...
That's enough.
202
00:09:17,480 --> 00:09:18,560
Bit squeamish, Toast?
203
00:09:18,560 --> 00:09:20,760
It's no different to Calendar Girls,
remember?
204
00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:24,400
Calendar Girls
was just mild, twee vulgarity.
205
00:09:24,400 --> 00:09:28,360
That, however,
is a different box of skittles.
206
00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:32,360
I mean, it's enough to put
a chap off his boiled egg.
207
00:09:32,680 --> 00:09:34,440
It's all for a good cause.
208
00:09:34,440 --> 00:09:36,360
Thing is, Ed,
209
00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:39,040
I've never actually seen
another chap's...
210
00:09:39,040 --> 00:09:40,920
In the flesh, like. No?
211
00:09:40,920 --> 00:09:42,960
No. Oh, I have. Several hundred.
212
00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:46,040
But that's mostly because I used to
work a lot with Trevor Nunn.
213
00:09:46,040 --> 00:09:47,080
Oh.
214
00:09:47,080 --> 00:09:49,000
Simon Callow...
215
00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:52,360
Oh, yes, I recognise that one
from A Room With A View.
216
00:09:52,360 --> 00:09:55,440
Yeah, I don't think I'd like to
see one in the flesh, though.
217
00:09:55,440 --> 00:09:57,000
I don't know how I'd react.
218
00:09:57,000 --> 00:10:00,320
Don't worry, Toast.
It'll probably never happen.
219
00:10:00,320 --> 00:10:03,680
Eurgh!
220
00:10:03,680 --> 00:10:06,600
Ha! That is fantastic!
221
00:10:06,600 --> 00:10:08,680
Yeah, I picked it up at Alicante
Airport.
222
00:10:08,680 --> 00:10:10,360
SHE LAUGHS
223
00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:12,240
As I was coming up the stairs,
224
00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:15,720
I could have sworn I heard
the voice of Bill bloody Purchase,
225
00:10:15,720 --> 00:10:19,040
the ever so slightly more
intelligent albino twin
226
00:10:19,040 --> 00:10:21,040
of Ray bloody Purchase.
227
00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:24,600
Is that you, Toast?
I was wondering if you'd drop in.
228
00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:26,560
How come you're back in London?
229
00:10:26,560 --> 00:10:29,120
Run out of old dears to rip off
on the Costa del Crime?
230
00:10:29,120 --> 00:10:30,160
PURCHASE CHUCKLES
231
00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:33,320
Same old Toast. Always the charmer!
232
00:10:33,320 --> 00:10:37,320
Toast, come and look at this. Bill
Purchase brought me back a present.
233
00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:39,920
What is it? Come and have a look
at the donkey.
234
00:10:39,920 --> 00:10:43,920
Just get as close as you can
to its rear end.
235
00:10:44,160 --> 00:10:45,760
What, like this? Yes.
236
00:10:45,760 --> 00:10:47,040
Eurgh!
237
00:10:47,040 --> 00:10:48,320
JANE AND PURCHASE LAUGH
238
00:10:48,320 --> 00:10:51,520
Isn't that hilarious?!
It's real shit as well.
239
00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:54,400
It better bloody not be.
240
00:10:54,400 --> 00:10:56,440
By the way, how's your ex-wife?
241
00:10:56,440 --> 00:10:57,880
You what?
242
00:10:57,880 --> 00:11:01,000
I heard she's about to spill the
beans in a new book.
243
00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:03,040
Who knows what she'll reveal?
244
00:11:03,040 --> 00:11:04,280
Getting nervous, Toast?
245
00:11:04,280 --> 00:11:06,400
Why don't you bugger off?
246
00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:07,600
PURCHASE CHUCKLES
247
00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:10,480
Don't be like that, old chap.
Although I probably should.
248
00:11:10,480 --> 00:11:13,880
I'm going to meet my brother,
Ray Purchase, at The Colonial.
249
00:11:13,880 --> 00:11:15,160
Ta-ta for now.
250
00:11:15,160 --> 00:11:17,040
Ciao.
251
00:11:17,040 --> 00:11:19,840
Why the hell did you let him in,
Jane?
252
00:11:19,840 --> 00:11:23,520
He's keen to get back into
something in the West End.
253
00:11:23,520 --> 00:11:26,040
I suspect he's on the run again.
254
00:11:26,040 --> 00:11:29,200
Bad enough having to swerve
around one idiot Purchase
255
00:11:29,200 --> 00:11:31,280
without throwing another one
into the mix.
256
00:11:31,280 --> 00:11:34,280
You're unhappy with your Purchases?
257
00:11:34,280 --> 00:11:35,320
You what?
258
00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:36,400
SHE LAUGHS
259
00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:38,120
What a pair!
260
00:11:38,120 --> 00:11:40,560
A clueless halfwit and a con man.
261
00:11:40,560 --> 00:11:42,840
Didn't you and Bill Purchase
once do a play together?
262
00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:46,320
Yeah, always playing childish
pranks on other actors.
263
00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:47,800
He's well known for it.
264
00:11:47,800 --> 00:11:50,440
Speaking of plays, how are
rehearsals going for Man Of Sex?
265
00:11:50,440 --> 00:11:52,800
Amazingly, Ormond has remained
totally sober.
266
00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:55,640
As I said, as long as he's working,
he's fine.
267
00:11:55,640 --> 00:11:59,000
Fingers crossed for opening night.
268
00:12:04,480 --> 00:12:08,480
And I truly am a man of sex.
269
00:12:09,320 --> 00:12:10,720
APPLAUSE
270
00:12:10,720 --> 00:12:13,560
Champagne, Ian, please!
271
00:12:13,560 --> 00:12:17,560
Well, I think, for an opening
night, that went rather well.
272
00:12:19,040 --> 00:12:21,680
WHISPERS: Would you put that on
Toast's tab? Bless you, Ian.
273
00:12:21,680 --> 00:12:24,840
I'd lose the Welsh accent, Toast.
It's clearly not working.
274
00:12:24,840 --> 00:12:26,400
I wasn't doing a...
275
00:12:26,400 --> 00:12:27,640
Piss off, Purchase!
276
00:12:27,640 --> 00:12:29,840
Come on, boys, let's not argue.
277
00:12:29,840 --> 00:12:32,400
Time for a tiny celebration...
278
00:12:32,400 --> 00:12:36,160
before the reviews come in.
279
00:12:36,160 --> 00:12:38,560
Jill Quear was outstanding!
280
00:12:38,560 --> 00:12:39,760
Is she coming along?
281
00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:41,680
I saw her putting Ormond
in his taxi.
282
00:12:41,680 --> 00:12:43,480
Oh, good, he's being sensible.
283
00:12:43,480 --> 00:12:47,360
And he's promised to have
that George Best operation.
284
00:12:47,360 --> 00:12:48,440
You know the one?
285
00:12:48,440 --> 00:12:52,400
It makes you physically sick
if alcohol enters your bloodstream.
286
00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:53,920
Did it work for George?
287
00:12:53,920 --> 00:12:55,800
I think it did!
288
00:12:55,800 --> 00:12:57,080
Ha!
289
00:12:57,080 --> 00:12:58,240
Just, er...
290
00:12:58,240 --> 00:12:59,440
nip to the lady loo.
291
00:12:59,440 --> 00:13:01,360
It's hardly likely to happen again,
is it?
292
00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:03,160
Ormond, no!
293
00:13:03,160 --> 00:13:05,400
Ah, shit. Your taxi!
No, no, no, Ormond.
294
00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:07,040
You need to go home.
295
00:13:07,040 --> 00:13:09,680
Oh, come on. Just one little
drink won't do any harm.
296
00:13:09,680 --> 00:13:12,120
It is an opening night, after all.
297
00:13:12,120 --> 00:13:15,200
Just a tiny, weeny little scotchlet.
298
00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:17,880
All right, Toast? What do you say?
299
00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:19,600
Well, all right. Just the one.
300
00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:20,640
HE LAUGHS
301
00:13:20,640 --> 00:13:23,880
Cheers! ALL: Cheers!
302
00:13:23,880 --> 00:13:25,880
Jane, it's not my fault.
303
00:13:25,880 --> 00:13:28,080
DRUMMING DOWNSTAIRS
He said he'd just have the one.
304
00:13:28,080 --> 00:13:30,760
He's a chronic alcoholic, Toast.
305
00:13:30,760 --> 00:13:34,360
He now has to go into hospital to
have that George Best operation.
306
00:13:34,360 --> 00:13:38,240
So, Man Of Sex are an actor short
because Sacker is back on the booze!
307
00:13:38,240 --> 00:13:41,720
So I've been on to production
and I've contacted a few people.
308
00:13:41,720 --> 00:13:43,400
Who? Baz Ravish.
309
00:13:43,400 --> 00:13:44,480
He's good.
310
00:13:44,480 --> 00:13:46,040
Tony Excalibur. Good.
311
00:13:46,040 --> 00:13:47,680
Champion House. I think he's dead.
312
00:13:47,680 --> 00:13:49,480
Cocker Boo. Great dancer.
313
00:13:49,480 --> 00:13:51,800
Michael Prance.
Still in jail, I think.
314
00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:53,800
Church Weaver. Very good.
315
00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:56,320
And Heathcote Pursuit.
Wanker, but very good.
316
00:13:56,320 --> 00:13:57,960
Are any of these available?
317
00:13:57,960 --> 00:14:01,160
No. I'll ring round a few more.
318
00:14:01,160 --> 00:14:04,840
Varrity, it might be time to stop
the drumming, do you think?
319
00:14:04,840 --> 00:14:05,960
PHONE RINGS
320
00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:07,120
Oh, God...
321
00:14:07,120 --> 00:14:08,760
Jane? What do you want?
322
00:14:08,760 --> 00:14:10,960
I've found someone.
323
00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:13,280
Who?
324
00:14:13,280 --> 00:14:16,840
Bloody thrilled to be back on the
boards in this play, Toast.
325
00:14:16,840 --> 00:14:18,520
No, no, no!
326
00:14:18,520 --> 00:14:21,080
Keeping it in the family, Toast.
Brothers in arms.
327
00:14:21,080 --> 00:14:23,040
It'll be superb to share the stage
again.
328
00:14:23,040 --> 00:14:25,960
I jumped at the chance to step
in when Jane told me about it.
329
00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:27,920
Helps that I know the play
backwards.
330
00:14:27,920 --> 00:14:30,880
We were in it together when it first
opened in Southampton.
331
00:14:30,880 --> 00:14:33,440
Your ex-wife's from Southampton,
isn't she, Toast?
332
00:14:33,440 --> 00:14:35,080
How the hell do you know that?
333
00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:36,800
It was in her book.
334
00:14:36,800 --> 00:14:38,560
Her book isn't out yet.
335
00:14:38,560 --> 00:14:41,400
Oh, er... Jane must
have told me, er...
336
00:14:41,400 --> 00:14:42,440
Bill!
337
00:14:42,440 --> 00:14:44,160
Was it Bristol
where you put a tarantula
338
00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:46,160
in Simon Russell Beale's helmet?
339
00:14:46,160 --> 00:14:48,720
Nottingham. That put him off
his Coriolanus.
340
00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:50,480
That's outrageous!
341
00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:52,640
And where did you do a shit
in Wendy Craig's muesli?
342
00:14:52,640 --> 00:14:54,200
Manchester.
343
00:14:54,200 --> 00:14:55,640
She hardly knew the difference.
344
00:14:55,640 --> 00:14:57,960
BILL AND RAY LAUGH
345
00:14:57,960 --> 00:15:00,320
Bill has a terrific sense of humour.
346
00:15:00,320 --> 00:15:03,520
If I caught an actor
doing anything like that,
347
00:15:03,520 --> 00:15:06,920
I'd make sure he was given
his bloody cards!
348
00:15:06,920 --> 00:15:10,000
Now, don't you get any ideas,
Bill Purchase!
349
00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:12,320
Calm down, Toast.
We all enjoy a joke.
350
00:15:12,320 --> 00:15:13,560
But at the end of the day,
351
00:15:13,560 --> 00:15:17,560
you'll find I'm as professional
as the next man.
352
00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:23,200
RAY CHUCKLES
353
00:15:23,200 --> 00:15:27,080
BILL CHUCKLES
354
00:15:27,080 --> 00:15:31,080
RAY CACKLES
355
00:15:31,440 --> 00:15:35,240
LAUGHTER ECHOES
356
00:15:35,240 --> 00:15:39,240
LAUGHTER ECHOES
357
00:15:39,360 --> 00:15:40,640
So...
358
00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:42,520
Nice place you've got here.
359
00:15:42,520 --> 00:15:44,280
It may be bijou,
360
00:15:44,280 --> 00:15:45,680
but it suits us.
361
00:15:45,680 --> 00:15:48,600
Darling, I'm just going to
show Rosemary around.
362
00:15:48,600 --> 00:15:50,760
Sure! Have fun.
363
00:15:50,760 --> 00:15:52,640
Who's the chap with the gong?
364
00:15:52,640 --> 00:15:54,760
That's a live sculpture.
365
00:15:54,760 --> 00:15:57,680
Stephanie saw it in New York,
and she wanted it.
366
00:15:57,680 --> 00:16:00,000
Whatever Stephanie wants,
367
00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:02,200
Stephanie gets.
368
00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:03,680
Can I be direct, Cyril?
369
00:16:03,680 --> 00:16:04,960
Go ahead.
370
00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:06,160
It's Rosemary.
371
00:16:06,160 --> 00:16:07,760
She's been reading your...
372
00:16:07,760 --> 00:16:08,800
novel.
373
00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:10,160
What's it called again?
374
00:16:10,160 --> 00:16:11,760
Man Of Sex.
375
00:16:11,760 --> 00:16:14,000
She's getting all kinds of ideas.
376
00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:17,200
If Rosemary wants to spread
her sexual wings,
377
00:16:17,200 --> 00:16:19,240
maybe you should let her fly.
378
00:16:19,240 --> 00:16:21,280
Don't blame me, Richard.
379
00:16:21,280 --> 00:16:23,560
I just wrote the book.
380
00:16:23,560 --> 00:16:25,280
I should phone my father.
381
00:16:25,280 --> 00:16:28,680
Of course.
382
00:16:28,680 --> 00:16:32,680
See if he's caught his train.
383
00:16:37,360 --> 00:16:41,360
HE CHUCKLES
384
00:16:43,680 --> 00:16:47,160
Don't think I haven't noticed the way
Rosemary's been looking at you!
385
00:16:47,160 --> 00:16:51,080
It's because of that bloody book.
386
00:16:51,080 --> 00:16:53,840
I can't stop people
from reading my book.
387
00:16:53,840 --> 00:16:56,120
You need to stop drinking
champagne.
388
00:16:56,120 --> 00:16:58,120
Makes you imagine things.
389
00:16:58,120 --> 00:17:02,120
The way I imagined
your affair with Louise(!)
390
00:17:03,160 --> 00:17:05,480
Anyone seen Rosemary?
391
00:17:05,480 --> 00:17:06,920
TOAST SIGHS
392
00:17:06,920 --> 00:17:10,320
Of course you'd bring up Louise.
393
00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:13,600
You and your jealous rages.
394
00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:17,520
Ooh.
395
00:17:17,520 --> 00:17:19,760
I've just been...
396
00:17:19,760 --> 00:17:20,960
Huh...
397
00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:24,680
(My God.)
398
00:17:24,680 --> 00:17:27,360
I've just been shortlisted
for the Booker Prize.
399
00:17:27,360 --> 00:17:31,360
How old was she?
400
00:17:31,720 --> 00:17:34,240
19?
401
00:17:34,240 --> 00:17:36,240
You stand there,
402
00:17:36,240 --> 00:17:40,240
with that ridiculous...
403
00:17:44,440 --> 00:17:48,440
You stand there...
404
00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:55,200
CLICKS HIS TONGUE
405
00:18:04,280 --> 00:18:05,440
HE CHUCKLES
406
00:18:05,440 --> 00:18:09,440
You stand there with that
ridiculous pipe in your mouth,
407
00:18:10,160 --> 00:18:14,160
puffing away
without a care in the world.
408
00:18:17,440 --> 00:18:19,360
And then I had to put it
in my mouth.
409
00:18:19,360 --> 00:18:21,680
Just after it had been up his...
410
00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:23,320
I'm going to complain.
411
00:18:23,320 --> 00:18:25,920
And of course Ray Purchase
is there cheering him on.
412
00:18:25,920 --> 00:18:28,240
At least things are going well
with you and Varrity.
413
00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:29,480
TOAST SIGHS
414
00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:30,560
Aren't they?
415
00:18:30,560 --> 00:18:32,320
I mean, she's a great gal,
416
00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:36,280
but the incessant drumming's now
really starting to get on my tits.
417
00:18:36,280 --> 00:18:37,800
I may have to break it up.
418
00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:39,200
Oh, dear.
419
00:18:39,200 --> 00:18:40,880
She's very keen to see the play.
420
00:18:40,880 --> 00:18:43,040
So we're going to drive to her
cottage, have sex,
421
00:18:43,040 --> 00:18:45,240
then drive straight back to
London and see the show.
422
00:18:45,240 --> 00:18:46,880
Ah, lovely.
423
00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:49,240
Maybe I'll finish it
after the performance.
424
00:18:49,240 --> 00:18:52,320
Thing is, I'm no good
at this break-up stuff,
425
00:18:52,320 --> 00:18:55,520
not unless I absolutely hate
the person concerned.
426
00:18:55,520 --> 00:18:59,160
Ah, I see your ex-wife Ellen
is writing her autobiography.
427
00:18:59,160 --> 00:19:01,000
I wonder what she has to say
about you.
428
00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:04,440
Well, we were married for 12 years.
429
00:19:04,440 --> 00:19:07,200
That's potentially a lot
of damaging ammunition.
430
00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:09,640
Oh, almost forgot.
Time to change the month
431
00:19:09,640 --> 00:19:12,280
on my Healthy Man
monthly calendar.
432
00:19:12,280 --> 00:19:13,840
April.
433
00:19:13,840 --> 00:19:15,240
Michael Ball.
434
00:19:15,240 --> 00:19:16,280
Ohh...
435
00:19:16,280 --> 00:19:17,800
Appropriately.
436
00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:19,520
Well, that means
it's April Fools' Day,
437
00:19:19,520 --> 00:19:21,908
which also means that Bill
Purchase is bound to play
438
00:19:21,988 --> 00:19:23,160
a particularly cruel prank.
439
00:19:23,160 --> 00:19:24,920
Better watch yourself, then, Toast.
440
00:19:24,920 --> 00:19:26,840
KNOCK AT DOOR
441
00:19:26,840 --> 00:19:30,840
COMPLEX RHYTHMIC KNOCKING
442
00:19:33,280 --> 00:19:34,440
BOTH: Varrity.
443
00:19:34,440 --> 00:19:38,440
WINDSCREEN WIPERS PLAY RHYTHM
444
00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:43,280
Varrity, you've got the wipers on.
It's not even raining.
445
00:19:43,280 --> 00:19:45,040
INDICATORS CLICK
446
00:19:45,040 --> 00:19:46,240
HORN TOOTS
447
00:19:46,240 --> 00:19:47,560
HORN TOOTS TWICE
448
00:19:47,560 --> 00:19:51,560
Varrity, isn't that a bit dangerous?
449
00:19:51,840 --> 00:19:55,760
MUSIC STARTS
450
00:19:55,760 --> 00:19:57,880
I've got keys to the wheels
451
00:19:57,880 --> 00:20:00,560
I've put some money aside
452
00:20:00,560 --> 00:20:02,520
Disappear from this world
453
00:20:02,520 --> 00:20:04,920
No-one would mind
454
00:20:04,920 --> 00:20:07,160
Fly through the air
455
00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:09,320
Leaving no trail
456
00:20:09,320 --> 00:20:11,320
Cos when you're in space
457
00:20:11,320 --> 00:20:15,320
They can't hear you fail
458
00:20:18,040 --> 00:20:19,960
Let's escape from it all
459
00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:22,160
Become someone new
460
00:20:22,160 --> 00:20:23,840
I'm annoying, I know...
461
00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:24,880
Yep.
462
00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:26,560
But what can you do?
463
00:20:26,560 --> 00:20:28,960
I just like to drum.
464
00:20:28,960 --> 00:20:31,160
# So put me in jail
465
00:20:31,160 --> 00:20:33,240
# Cos when you're in space
466
00:20:33,240 --> 00:20:35,720
# They can't hear you fail
467
00:20:35,720 --> 00:20:37,920
BOTH: # Cos when you're in space
468
00:20:37,920 --> 00:20:41,920
They can't hear you fail.
469
00:20:46,640 --> 00:20:48,160
Ah, Cyril.
470
00:20:48,160 --> 00:20:51,360
Stephanie, Rosemary,
would you two girls mind
471
00:20:51,360 --> 00:20:52,880
if Richard and I talked shop?
472
00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:54,320
We won't be long.
473
00:20:54,320 --> 00:20:56,840
Yes, yes, of course.
It's getting late.
474
00:20:56,840 --> 00:21:00,840
I'll see you in the morning.
475
00:21:02,360 --> 00:21:04,840
I'll come directly to the point,
Richard.
476
00:21:04,840 --> 00:21:08,840
Stephanie, Rosemary and myself
will be having sex tonight.
477
00:21:09,120 --> 00:21:11,560
FLY UNZIPS
Now, you can either join us,
478
00:21:11,560 --> 00:21:13,120
or you can go home.
479
00:21:13,120 --> 00:21:16,400
The choice is yo...
480
00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:18,400
BILL CHUCKLES
481
00:21:18,400 --> 00:21:21,200
TOAST CHOKES
482
00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:23,640
AUDIENCE GASPS
483
00:21:23,640 --> 00:21:25,560
Is he all right?
Yeah, he'll be fine.
484
00:21:25,560 --> 00:21:28,320
Is there a doctor in the house?
485
00:21:28,320 --> 00:21:31,720
Yes!
486
00:21:31,720 --> 00:21:34,960
Are you a doctor?
Yes, doctor of drumming.
487
00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:38,960
Goodness, I can't hear a heartbeat.
488
00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:40,720
Clear... Ooh! One!
489
00:21:40,720 --> 00:21:42,160
Clear... Ooh! Two!
490
00:21:42,160 --> 00:21:43,200
Clear... Three!
491
00:21:43,200 --> 00:21:44,800
Varrity, we need to talk.
492
00:21:44,800 --> 00:21:47,680
Clear... Four! This might not be
the best time! Clear... Five!
493
00:21:47,680 --> 00:21:48,720
Clear... Six!
494
00:21:48,720 --> 00:21:52,080
Ohh!
495
00:21:52,080 --> 00:21:55,280
PHONE RINGS
496
00:21:55,280 --> 00:21:56,600
Toast.
497
00:21:57,640 --> 00:21:59,280
How are you, Toast? God.
498
00:21:59,280 --> 00:22:01,600
Least you're able to sit up
this time.
499
00:22:01,600 --> 00:22:05,600
Oh, love the yellow pyjamas!
Very snazzy!
500
00:22:06,240 --> 00:22:08,440
I had a lucky escape, Jane.
501
00:22:08,440 --> 00:22:10,800
I almost had a heart attack,
but not quite.
502
00:22:10,800 --> 00:22:13,200
The doctor says I have
an extremely weak heart,
503
00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:17,160
and I should be careful not to suffer
any major shocks in the near future.
504
00:22:17,160 --> 00:22:18,680
You'll be out soon enough, Toast.
505
00:22:18,680 --> 00:22:20,840
Ooh, by the way, did you get a copy
of Ellen's book?
506
00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:24,840
'I had it sent round earlier.'
507
00:22:26,720 --> 00:22:30,720
HE SPLUTTERS
508
00:22:30,920 --> 00:22:33,080
'Don't worry, Toast,
I've been through the book.'
509
00:22:33,080 --> 00:22:36,000
You are not mentioned once.
510
00:22:36,000 --> 00:22:37,920
Toast... T-T-T-T-T...
511
00:22:37,920 --> 00:22:38,960
HE CHOKES
512
00:22:38,960 --> 00:22:40,000
Aaargh...
513
00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:42,680
Maybe just a small one
before surgery.
514
00:22:42,680 --> 00:22:43,720
Ah...
515
00:22:43,720 --> 00:22:47,720
Argh!
516
00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:54,960
So take my hand
517
00:22:54,960 --> 00:22:58,480
We'll disappear
to above the sun
518
00:22:58,480 --> 00:23:00,360
To far from here
519
00:23:00,360 --> 00:23:04,360
Though I don't know you
and you don't know me
520
00:23:04,440 --> 00:23:08,240
I just had to talk to you,
you see
521
00:23:08,240 --> 00:23:14,480
So take my hand.
522
00:23:14,530 --> 00:23:19,080
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