Original subtitles

Stand and deliver, coachman!

Hand me that musket or I'll blow your brains out!

Very well, coachman. You were warned. Prepare to meet thy maker.

Bang.

Lord Woolford, I'll give you three seconds to open the carriage door

or I'll smash the glass.

Sma...

This programme contains strong language, adult humour and full frontal nudity.

Smash! I warned you, Lord Woolford!

Whack! That's great, Ray. Thanks, Danny.

Why am I doing sound effects?

Just following the client's instructions.

Here we go. One minute into the job, Toast starts complaining.

You've got a script. Quit your bellyaching and be professional!

Fuck off! It's just me saying the words!

Er, Steven, I'm Clem Fandango.

I know who you are. It's just me saying the words. Why?

Well, in the script it's indicated at various places, so, for instance...

Yeah. "During the robbery, we need the sound of a bang."

Well, then use the sound of a real gunshot,

not just me saying, "Bang"!

And later on here,

it says, "Honk"!

Sound of a horn, yeah.

Well, "honk" doesn't sound like a horn,

it just sounds like a fellow going, "Honk"!

Might have something to help you there.

Good call, Danny. Thanks.

Cheers.

DOOR CLOSES All right, Steven, in your own time.

In YOUR own time.

HORN HONKS

That's great, Steven.

HORN HONKS

Keep going.

HORN HONKS

RAY MOUTHS HORN HONKS

HORN HONKS

HORN HONKS

Ah, Ormond. How are you?

Mighty glad to be getting out of this place,

I can tell you, Ed.

Ah, Toast, you're here, too.

All right, old chap? Are you ready?

Thanks for collecting me, you two. Loyal friends.

Loyal friends.

We'll have you safely back in your cosy flat in a couple of hours.

Terrific. ENGINE STARTS

I wonder if we might just stop off down the road.

There's a delightful-looking old country pub

that I saw from the ambulance on the way here.

Is that wise, Ormond?

You've just spent three months in rehab for chronic alcoholism.

Oh, nonsense!

I'm completely cured now.

One little snifter's hardly going to make any difference.

What do you think, Toast?

All right, but just the one, though.

What the hell do you know about the theatre?!

I was treading the boards and powdering my face

when your mother...

was powdering your arse!

Bit of a slip-up.

Ah, Ormond. How are you?

Well, mightily glad to be out of this place, Ed, I can tell you.

Thanks for collecting me, you two.

Loyal friends. Loyal friends.

We'll have you safely back in your cosy flat in a couple of hours.

I wonder if we might just stop off...

Now, remember what happened last time, Ormond?

We went to that pub, you got wildly drunk

and we had to immediately drop you off back in rehab.

Well, come on, boys! It's hardly likely to happen again, is it?

Have I seen Shopping And Fucking?

Somebody actually called their play Shopping And Fuck...?

We are teetering on the eve of Sodom,

and you tell me that this is progress?!

Honestly, Toast!

I gave you strict, simple instructions to take him home,

but no!

You had the great idea of transporting a recovering alcoholic

straight from rehab to the pub!

Seven times!

Jane, you don't know how persuasive he can be.

"Just the one," he said.

They all say that, you cretin!

This always happens when he's not working.

Luckily, when he comes out in three months' time

I've got him a job in Man Of Sex at the Playhouse.

Man Of Sex? Isn't that the play I'm doing with Ray bloody Purchase?

Yes, and you both can keep an eye on Ormond

and make sure he stays off the sauce!

Well, luckily, HE'S hardly in it.

Ah, yes!

Why did you say, "Ah, yes!" to me like that, Jane?

Sorry.

I should have been looking for a piece of paper on my desk, shouldn't I? Now...

Ah, yes!

Well, what is it?

Well, this might interest you. Your ex-wife Ellen...

My ex-wife Ellen... She's about to publish a book.

What kind of book? Is it fiction? Jilly Cooper type of thing?

No, not fiction. Autobiography, I imagine.

Oh, God!

Obviously, you were married to her for 12 years.

Anything we need to be worried about?

Any skeletons in your cupboard she's likely to uncover?

Well, she's bound to mention me a lot.

And it won't be entirely flattering.

When did you last see her? About a year ago.

No, Ellen!

If you want to gain entrance to the house,

you'll have to go through your lawyers.

Out of my way, Toast!

No, Ellen, I'm standing firm.

Don't...ever...

tell...me what to...

THUD ..do!

Ooh! SHE LAUGHS

Funny! Funny stuff!

No, it wasn't, Jane! I was in tremendous pain.

Anyway, I'm off up the hill to Bedfordshire. Literally.

Bedfordshire? Isn't that where your new girlfriend lives?

Yes, it is.

The drummer lady?

Varrity Map. She happens to be a doctor of drumming.

I didn't know you could be a doctor of drumming.

Well, you can, if you're very good at the drumming.

Fascinating.

It is fascinating. I'm going to see her gaff for the first time.

She's promised to cook for me.

Lucky Toast. Ooof!

FAINT DRUMMING

RHYTHMIC TAPPING

ECHOES TAPPING RHYTHM

THEY TAP RHYTHM TOGETHER

COMPLEX PERCUSSION RHYTHM

DOORBELL CHIMES

ECHOES CHIMING TUNE

PHONE BEEPS TUNE

ECHOES PHONE TUNE

HE SIGHS

HE SIGHS

FAINT DRUMMING

TAPS DELICATE RHYTHM

TOAST ECHOES RHYTHM

TAPPING IN UNISON

VARRITY TAPS RHYTHM

TAPPING IN UNISON

WIND CHIMES TINKLE

Ah, Toast! There you are!

Come in, it's open.

DRUMROLL FINALE

Welcome to chez moi.

It's quite a lot of drums, Varrity.

Yes! Well, I'm rehearsing a piece for the symphony orchestra,

so I'm very much in the zone.

So, what do you want to do?

Well, I'm starving. You said you were going to cook me something.

Yes, I did, didn't I?

Yes, you did.

DRUMROLL

Pour me a glass, Toast.

Red, white or rose?

Why not open all three?

Yeah!

Hnnng...

SHE GASPS

HE SIGHS

Hnnng...

Oh!

Jesus Christ, woman!

HE SIGHS

Supremely talented and very much in demand for her skills.

She's a great gal.

Her grandfather was quite famous, you know. Frank Forfolk.

Round-the-world yachtsman. I have his autobiography, Forfolk's Sake.

You must remember it? No, I don't.

Oh, you must remember it! Forfolk's Sake.

No, I don't.

That's what it's called.

Ah, yes.

So, how long have you two been stepping out now?

Three months.

And I can honestly say, I hardly notice her incessant drumming any more.

And is this syncopation matched by her rhythmic gyrations in the bedroom?

Well, let's just say we're very much in sync

when it comes to the art of love-makingggg...

What the hell is that?

Oh, it's a charity calendar, produced by Healthy Man Monthly.

It's a chap's doodah.

Yes, 12 male celebrities agreed to have their privates photographed.

This one is...

Let's see, er...

Ah, it's Gyles Brandreth.

Ohh!

Who else is in there?

Prince Charles,

Ian Hislop,

John Bishop... Who?

The Archbishop of Canterbury... That's enough.

Bit squeamish, Toast?

It's no different to Calendar Girls, remember?

Calendar Girls was just mild, twee vulgarity.

That, however, is a different box of skittles.

I mean, it's enough to put a chap off his boiled egg.

It's all for a good cause.

Thing is, Ed,

I've never actually seen another chap's...

In the flesh, like. No?

No. Oh, I have. Several hundred.

But that's mostly because I used to work a lot with Trevor Nunn.

Oh.

Simon Callow...

Oh, yes, I recognise that one from A Room With A View.

Yeah, I don't think I'd like to see one in the flesh, though.

I don't know how I'd react.

Don't worry, Toast. It'll probably never happen.

Eurgh!

Ha! That is fantastic!

Yeah, I picked it up at Alicante Airport.

SHE LAUGHS

As I was coming up the stairs,

I could have sworn I heard the voice of Bill bloody Purchase,

the ever so slightly more intelligent albino twin

of Ray bloody Purchase.

Is that you, Toast? I was wondering if you'd drop in.

How come you're back in London?

Run out of old dears to rip off on the Costa del Crime?

PURCHASE CHUCKLES

Same old Toast. Always the charmer!

Toast, come and look at this. Bill Purchase brought me back a present.

What is it? Come and have a look at the donkey.

Just get as close as you can to its rear end.

What, like this? Yes.

Eurgh!

JANE AND PURCHASE LAUGH

Isn't that hilarious?! It's real shit as well.

It better bloody not be.

By the way, how's your ex-wife?

You what?

I heard she's about to spill the beans in a new book.

Who knows what she'll reveal?

Getting nervous, Toast?

Why don't you bugger off?

PURCHASE CHUCKLES

Don't be like that, old chap. Although I probably should.

I'm going to meet my brother, Ray Purchase, at The Colonial.

Ta-ta for now.

Ciao.

Why the hell did you let him in, Jane?

He's keen to get back into something in the West End.

I suspect he's on the run again.

Bad enough having to swerve around one idiot Purchase

without throwing another one into the mix.

You're unhappy with your Purchases?

You what?

SHE LAUGHS

What a pair!

A clueless halfwit and a con man.

Didn't you and Bill Purchase once do a play together?

Yeah, always playing childish pranks on other actors.

He's well known for it.

Speaking of plays, how are rehearsals going for Man Of Sex?

Amazingly, Ormond has remained totally sober.

As I said, as long as he's working, he's fine.

Fingers crossed for opening night.

And I truly am a man of sex.

APPLAUSE

Champagne, Ian, please!

Well, I think, for an opening night, that went rather well.

WHISPERS: Would you put that on Toast's tab? Bless you, Ian.

I'd lose the Welsh accent, Toast. It's clearly not working.

I wasn't doing a...

Piss off, Purchase!

Come on, boys, let's not argue.

Time for a tiny celebration...

before the reviews come in.

Jill Quear was outstanding!

Is she coming along?

I saw her putting Ormond in his taxi.

Oh, good, he's being sensible.

And he's promised to have that George Best operation.

You know the one?

It makes you physically sick if alcohol enters your bloodstream.

Did it work for George?

I think it did!

Ha!

Just, er...

nip to the lady loo.

It's hardly likely to happen again, is it?

Ormond, no!

Ah, shit. Your taxi! No, no, no, Ormond.

You need to go home.

Oh, come on. Just one little drink won't do any harm.

It is an opening night, after all.

Just a tiny, weeny little scotchlet.

All right, Toast? What do you say?

Well, all right. Just the one.

HE LAUGHS

Cheers! ALL: Cheers!

Jane, it's not my fault.

DRUMMING DOWNSTAIRS He said he'd just have the one.

He's a chronic alcoholic, Toast.

He now has to go into hospital to have that George Best operation.

So, Man Of Sex are an actor short because Sacker is back on the booze!

So I've been on to production and I've contacted a few people.

Who? Baz Ravish.

He's good.

Tony Excalibur. Good.

Champion House. I think he's dead.

Cocker Boo. Great dancer.

Michael Prance. Still in jail, I think.

Church Weaver. Very good.

And Heathcote Pursuit. Wanker, but very good.

Are any of these available?

No. I'll ring round a few more.

Varrity, it might be time to stop the drumming, do you think?

PHONE RINGS

Oh, God...

Jane? What do you want?

I've found someone.

Who?

Bloody thrilled to be back on the boards in this play, Toast.

No, no, no!

Keeping it in the family, Toast. Brothers in arms.

It'll be superb to share the stage again.

I jumped at the chance to step in when Jane told me about it.

Helps that I know the play backwards.

We were in it together when it first opened in Southampton.

Your ex-wife's from Southampton, isn't she, Toast?

How the hell do you know that?

It was in her book.

Her book isn't out yet.

Oh, er... Jane must have told me, er...

Bill!

Was it Bristol where you put a tarantula

in Simon Russell Beale's helmet?

Nottingham. That put him off his Coriolanus.

That's outrageous!

And where did you do a shit in Wendy Craig's muesli?

Manchester.

She hardly knew the difference.

BILL AND RAY LAUGH

Bill has a terrific sense of humour.

If I caught an actor doing anything like that,

I'd make sure he was given his bloody cards!

Now, don't you get any ideas, Bill Purchase!

Calm down, Toast. We all enjoy a joke.

But at the end of the day,

you'll find I'm as professional as the next man.

RAY CHUCKLES

BILL CHUCKLES

RAY CACKLES

LAUGHTER ECHOES

LAUGHTER ECHOES

So...

Nice place you've got here.

It may be bijou,

but it suits us.

Darling, I'm just going to show Rosemary around.

Sure! Have fun.

Who's the chap with the gong?

That's a live sculpture.

Stephanie saw it in New York, and she wanted it.

Whatever Stephanie wants,

Stephanie gets.

Can I be direct, Cyril?

Go ahead.

It's Rosemary.

She's been reading your...

novel.

What's it called again?

Man Of Sex.

She's getting all kinds of ideas.

If Rosemary wants to spread her sexual wings,

maybe you should let her fly.

Don't blame me, Richard.

I just wrote the book.

I should phone my father.

Of course.

See if he's caught his train.

HE CHUCKLES

Don't think I haven't noticed the way Rosemary's been looking at you!

It's because of that bloody book.

I can't stop people from reading my book.

You need to stop drinking champagne.

Makes you imagine things.

The way I imagined your affair with Louise(!)

Anyone seen Rosemary?

TOAST SIGHS

Of course you'd bring up Louise.

You and your jealous rages.

Ooh.

I've just been...

Huh...

(My God.)

I've just been shortlisted for the Booker Prize.

How old was she?

19?

You stand there,

with that ridiculous...

You stand there...

CLICKS HIS TONGUE

HE CHUCKLES

You stand there with that ridiculous pipe in your mouth,

puffing away without a care in the world.

And then I had to put it in my mouth.

Just after it had been up his...

I'm going to complain.

And of course Ray Purchase is there cheering him on.

At least things are going well with you and Varrity.

TOAST SIGHS

Aren't they?

I mean, she's a great gal,

but the incessant drumming's now really starting to get on my tits.

I may have to break it up.

Oh, dear.

She's very keen to see the play.

So we're going to drive to her cottage, have sex,

then drive straight back to London and see the show.

Ah, lovely.

Maybe I'll finish it after the performance.

Thing is, I'm no good at this break-up stuff,

not unless I absolutely hate the person concerned.

Ah, I see your ex-wife Ellen is writing her autobiography.

I wonder what she has to say about you.

Well, we were married for 12 years.

That's potentially a lot of damaging ammunition.

Oh, almost forgot. Time to change the month

on my Healthy Man monthly calendar.

April.

Michael Ball.

Ohh...

Appropriately.

Well, that means it's April Fools' Day,

which also means that Bill Purchase is bound to play

a particularly cruel prank.

Better watch yourself, then, Toast.

KNOCK AT DOOR

COMPLEX RHYTHMIC KNOCKING

BOTH: Varrity.

WINDSCREEN WIPERS PLAY RHYTHM

Varrity, you've got the wipers on. It's not even raining.

INDICATORS CLICK

HORN TOOTS

HORN TOOTS TWICE

Varrity, isn't that a bit dangerous?

MUSIC STARTS

I've got keys to the wheels

I've put some money aside

Disappear from this world

No-one would mind

Fly through the air

Leaving no trail

Cos when you're in space

They can't hear you fail

Let's escape from it all

Become someone new

I'm annoying, I know... Yep.

But what can you do? I just like to drum.

# So put me in jail

# Cos when you're in space

# They can't hear you fail

BOTH: # Cos when you're in space

They can't hear you fail. Ah, Cyril.

Stephanie, Rosemary, would you two girls mind

if Richard and I talked shop?

We won't be long.

Yes, yes, of course. It's getting late.

I'll see you in the morning.

I'll come directly to the point, Richard.

Stephanie, Rosemary and myself will be having sex tonight.

FLY UNZIPS Now, you can either join us,

or you can go home.

The choice is yo...

BILL CHUCKLES

TOAST CHOKES

AUDIENCE GASPS

Is he all right? Yeah, he'll be fine.

Is there a doctor in the house?

Yes!

Are you a doctor? Yes, doctor of drumming.

Goodness, I can't hear a heartbeat.

Clear... Ooh! One!

Clear... Ooh! Two!

Clear... Three!

Varrity, we need to talk.

Clear... Four! This might not be the best time! Clear... Five!

Clear... Six!

Ohh!

PHONE RINGS

Toast.

How are you, Toast? God.

Least you're able to sit up this time.

Oh, love the yellow pyjamas! Very snazzy!

I had a lucky escape, Jane.

I almost had a heart attack, but not quite.

The doctor says I have an extremely weak heart,

and I should be careful not to suffer any major shocks in the near future.

You'll be out soon enough, Toast.

Ooh, by the way, did you get a copy of Ellen's book?

'I had it sent round earlier.'

HE SPLUTTERS

'Don't worry, Toast, I've been through the book.'

You are not mentioned once.

Toast... T-T-T-T-T...

HE CHOKES

Aaargh...

Maybe just a small one before surgery.

Ah...

Argh!

So take my hand

We'll disappear to above the sun

To far from here

Though I don't know you and you don't know me

I just had to talk to you, you see

So take my hand. Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0