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1
00:00:00,900 --> 00:00:03,900
This programme contains strong
language and adult humour.
2
00:00:03,950 --> 00:00:05,800
Neigh.
3
00:00:09,180 --> 00:00:10,620
Was that it?
4
00:00:10,660 --> 00:00:12,800
Well, yeah, that's all it says here.
5
00:00:15,660 --> 00:00:16,700
Steven?
6
00:00:16,740 --> 00:00:19,820
We think the neigh is probably
meant to be the sound of a horse.
7
00:00:19,860 --> 00:00:21,700
You want me to make the sound
of a horse?
8
00:00:21,740 --> 00:00:24,227
Yeah, I'm guessing the neigh
is just a rough indication,
9
00:00:24,307 --> 00:00:25,660
so just do the sound of a horse.
10
00:00:25,700 --> 00:00:27,200
All right.
11
00:00:28,700 --> 00:00:32,700
Ne-i-i-gg-hh!
12
00:00:34,940 --> 00:00:36,580
Hi, Steven, this is Clem Fandango.
Mm.
13
00:00:36,620 --> 00:00:38,540
Can you hear me? Yes.
14
00:00:38,580 --> 00:00:41,140
The feeling here is that didn't
sound much like a horse. What?
15
00:00:41,180 --> 00:00:44,020
Would it help that instead of a neigh,
you could try a whinny? A what?
16
00:00:44,060 --> 00:00:47,260
Yeah, we think a whinny might be better
than a neigh. What's the difference?
17
00:00:47,300 --> 00:00:51,300
Just do another horse sound.
Think whinny rather than neigh.
18
00:00:52,820 --> 00:00:56,820
Whin-ne-i-i-gg-hh!
19
00:01:00,140 --> 00:01:03,220
Steven, was that a whinny, cos
it sounded a lot like a neigh.
20
00:01:03,260 --> 00:01:05,580
Jesus Christ, look,
I've got things to do,
21
00:01:05,620 --> 00:01:09,620
and one of those is not sitting with you
two pilchards, making horse noises.
22
00:01:11,900 --> 00:01:14,300
What are you doing?
Just googling whinny and neigh.
23
00:01:14,340 --> 00:01:16,180
Oh, for fuck's...!
24
00:01:16,220 --> 00:01:18,101
Why don't you just bring
a horse in here, yeah?
25
00:01:18,181 --> 00:01:20,180
I mean, I'm sure he'd be
able to nail it first time.
26
00:01:20,220 --> 00:01:23,300
Health and safety issues, Steven.
Sorry, Steven, I've got this so wrong.
27
00:01:23,340 --> 00:01:26,140
It's actually Neigh-bours.
28
00:01:26,180 --> 00:01:28,020
Neighbours?
29
00:01:28,060 --> 00:01:30,740
Yeah, it's my fault. The whole
script didn't print out, just...
30
00:01:30,780 --> 00:01:34,780
I just got a bit of it.
You're an idiot.
31
00:01:35,300 --> 00:01:37,620
Are we rolling?
32
00:01:37,660 --> 00:01:41,660
Neigh-bours, returning to Channel 5
this autumn. Don't miss it.
33
00:01:42,420 --> 00:01:46,420
Every weekday at 5:30pm.
34
00:02:21,300 --> 00:02:25,300
Breakfast's ready, Toast!
35
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Argghh!
36
00:02:31,500 --> 00:02:32,620
Oh-h!
37
00:02:32,660 --> 00:02:36,500
Eugh!
38
00:02:36,540 --> 00:02:39,620
Argh!
39
00:02:39,660 --> 00:02:42,340
Are you sure you don't want me
to call an ambulance?
40
00:02:42,380 --> 00:02:44,860
You've just crashed through
a complete flight of stairs
41
00:02:44,900 --> 00:02:46,340
and been hit by falling masonry.
42
00:02:46,380 --> 00:02:50,260
No, no, no, no. Just wearing the
bandage should suffice.
43
00:02:50,300 --> 00:02:54,220
Anyway, I've gotta get a wriggle on,
otherwise I'll be late for maths.
44
00:02:54,260 --> 00:02:56,860
Maths? No, um...bill.
45
00:02:56,900 --> 00:02:59,220
I've gotta go and pay my bar bill.
46
00:02:59,260 --> 00:03:02,180
Maths. It's like you're off
to school and I'm your mum.
47
00:03:02,220 --> 00:03:04,100
What are you talking about?
48
00:03:04,140 --> 00:03:06,460
Perhaps YOU should see a doctor.
49
00:03:06,500 --> 00:03:10,500
Goodnight.
50
00:03:11,860 --> 00:03:14,460
There you go, Ian.
Sorry it's all in coins.
51
00:03:14,500 --> 00:03:16,580
Well, look, I'll give you the rest
later.
52
00:03:16,620 --> 00:03:18,780
Blair?!
What the hell are you doing here?
53
00:03:18,820 --> 00:03:19,820
You'd better sit down.
54
00:03:19,860 --> 00:03:21,860
I am sitting down. No, you're not!
55
00:03:21,900 --> 00:03:25,900
No, I'm not. Please sit down.
56
00:03:26,540 --> 00:03:28,540
It's Father. He's dying.
57
00:03:28,580 --> 00:03:30,300
That's a pity. Would you like
a drink?
58
00:03:30,340 --> 00:03:32,180
Why the hell are you wearing that?
What?
59
00:03:32,220 --> 00:03:36,020
There's a bandage on your head.
I crashed through some stairs...
60
00:03:36,060 --> 00:03:37,060
..I think.
61
00:03:37,100 --> 00:03:39,820
Well, as I say, Father's days
are numbered.
62
00:03:39,860 --> 00:03:42,380
Doctor reckons he'll be dead
by Friday. So you said.
63
00:03:42,420 --> 00:03:44,140
Right, so we need to get
down there pronto
64
00:03:44,180 --> 00:03:46,757
and make sure he doesn't leave
everything to the bloody dog,
65
00:03:46,837 --> 00:03:48,020
or worse still, the servants.
66
00:03:48,060 --> 00:03:51,420
Who cares? He's never given
a rat's arse about me.
67
00:03:51,460 --> 00:03:54,900
Tells everyone I'm dead.
I don't want anything from him.
68
00:03:54,940 --> 00:03:57,940
Yes, but I do, you bloody idiot!
Think about it, Toast. Think!
69
00:03:57,980 --> 00:04:01,820
If I get the country castle,
you get the London pad.
70
00:04:01,860 --> 00:04:04,340
The London pad? Hmm!
71
00:04:04,380 --> 00:04:08,380
Yeah, no rent, and I wouldn't have
to listen to Ed's lovemaking marathons.
72
00:04:08,540 --> 00:04:12,060
Exactly, so we need to get
down there jaldi-jaldi, hmm?
73
00:04:12,100 --> 00:04:16,100
Right, I'm off to get the National
Express at Victoria Coach Station.
74
00:04:16,580 --> 00:04:20,580
The old family home could already
be crawling with oily freeloaders.
75
00:04:21,140 --> 00:04:22,940
We have to make sure we get to him
first.
76
00:04:22,980 --> 00:04:25,540
We can't leave anything to chance.
Are we clear?
77
00:04:25,580 --> 00:04:27,060
Are we clear?!
78
00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:30,020
Now you need to take this
very seriously, Toast.
79
00:04:30,060 --> 00:04:32,980
I don't want to get down there and
find myself outnumbered. All right.
80
00:04:33,020 --> 00:04:37,020
Now, how do I get out of this
bugger house?
81
00:04:37,260 --> 00:04:41,260
50, 55, 60.
82
00:04:42,380 --> 00:04:43,620
What, more coins?
83
00:04:43,660 --> 00:04:46,060
Sorry, Toast, they only had change.
84
00:04:46,100 --> 00:04:47,740
But it's the BBC.
85
00:04:47,780 --> 00:04:50,460
Can't they make a direct payment
into my account or something?
86
00:04:50,500 --> 00:04:54,460
Now, the people who make direct
payments have all moved to Salford.
87
00:04:54,500 --> 00:04:57,740
Sign of the times, I'm afraid.
Massive cutbacks.
88
00:04:57,780 --> 00:05:00,100
Why are you all glammed up, Jane?
89
00:05:00,140 --> 00:05:04,140
I'm meeting Jon Hamm.
90
00:05:04,220 --> 00:05:06,140
I've literally never heard of him.
91
00:05:06,180 --> 00:05:08,860
Probably one of the best
actors in the world.
92
00:05:08,900 --> 00:05:12,100
Surprised you've literally
never heard of him.
93
00:05:12,140 --> 00:05:15,900
He's fabulous - sexy and
terrifically good-looking.
94
00:05:15,940 --> 00:05:19,460
He's on a short break from filming
that Tommy Cooper film
95
00:05:19,500 --> 00:05:23,220
in Dorset. I'm meeting him
upstairs at The Colonial.
96
00:05:23,260 --> 00:05:25,140
Why don't you come along
and say hello?
97
00:05:25,180 --> 00:05:26,420
No, I'm not interested.
98
00:05:26,460 --> 00:05:28,860
He is hugely charismatic.
99
00:05:28,900 --> 00:05:32,180
Huh, is he indeed?!
You know something?
100
00:05:32,220 --> 00:05:35,100
I've never met anyone
with any charisma, ever.
101
00:05:35,140 --> 00:05:39,140
It's a complete myth. Even that time
I was introduced to Sean Connery.
102
00:05:39,580 --> 00:05:42,060
It was like meeting a chair
or a dead rabbit.
103
00:05:42,100 --> 00:05:46,100
Well, everybody, people of every
sex and all sizes and shapes
104
00:05:46,740 --> 00:05:49,500
and ethnic groups adore Hamm.
105
00:05:49,540 --> 00:05:51,340
Hmm, I'm not interested.
106
00:05:51,380 --> 00:05:54,140
But it just so happens I now
have the exact money
107
00:05:54,180 --> 00:05:56,660
to pay my bar tab at The Colonial,
108
00:05:56,700 --> 00:05:59,900
so I'll walk with you.
109
00:05:59,940 --> 00:06:03,940
Bloody ridiculous.
110
00:06:04,060 --> 00:06:06,180
That'll do you. Right, I'm off.
111
00:06:06,220 --> 00:06:09,940
Give my regards to West Ham
or whatever his name is.
112
00:06:09,980 --> 00:06:11,820
Are you sure you won't stay
for a drink?
113
00:06:11,860 --> 00:06:15,860
Jane, like I told you, I've
absolutely no interest what...so...
114
00:06:16,300 --> 00:06:19,700
JAUNTY MUSIC
115
00:06:19,740 --> 00:06:21,220
Jane!
116
00:06:21,260 --> 00:06:25,260
Oh, how lovely to see you, Jonny!
117
00:06:25,980 --> 00:06:29,620
Oh, er, this is Steven Toast.
He's not staying.
118
00:06:29,660 --> 00:06:32,900
No-oh.
119
00:06:32,940 --> 00:06:36,900
Well, it's...nice to meet you
anyway.
120
00:06:36,940 --> 00:06:39,420
Where are you off to? Home to Ed?
121
00:06:39,460 --> 00:06:42,460
Er, who's Ed? Is that your
husband? Are you homosexual?
122
00:06:42,500 --> 00:06:43,580
JANE AND TOAST: Ha!
123
00:06:43,620 --> 00:06:45,380
N-No, I wouldn't say...
124
00:06:45,420 --> 00:06:46,580
TOAST MUMBLES
125
00:06:46,620 --> 00:06:50,620
TOAST MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY
126
00:06:53,700 --> 00:06:56,180
Do you know, I might stay!
127
00:06:56,220 --> 00:06:59,980
I can't believe he's actually
doing it, can you imagine?
128
00:07:00,020 --> 00:07:02,180
DISTORTED: What do you think, Toast?
129
00:07:02,220 --> 00:07:03,380
What?
130
00:07:03,420 --> 00:07:07,420
DISTORTED: Mark Rylance in the Jungle
Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here show.
131
00:07:08,500 --> 00:07:09,820
What have you done to your head?
132
00:07:09,860 --> 00:07:12,860
Some stairs collapsed on top of me.
133
00:07:12,900 --> 00:07:16,900
Are you OK? You seem a bit...weird.
134
00:07:17,140 --> 00:07:19,380
You're not yourself, are you, Toast?
135
00:07:19,420 --> 00:07:22,940
Poor dear. Could you go and get us
some more drinks?
136
00:07:22,980 --> 00:07:26,980
Wha... Get some drinks? Yes.
137
00:07:27,380 --> 00:07:30,140
Some more of your drinks,
please, Ian. Excuse me.
138
00:07:30,180 --> 00:07:31,900
Are you Steven Toast?
139
00:07:31,940 --> 00:07:33,980
Maybe. So what if I am?
140
00:07:34,020 --> 00:07:35,740
My name is Pooky Hook.
141
00:07:35,780 --> 00:07:39,100
I have to say, I'm a huge fan
of yours.
142
00:07:39,140 --> 00:07:43,140
I'm an actress and model. I would
love to meet up for a drink
143
00:07:43,380 --> 00:07:47,380
or something, so you could give me
some acting and modelling tips?
144
00:07:47,420 --> 00:07:50,140
Look...this is my night off.
145
00:07:50,180 --> 00:07:54,180
If you want to get in touch,
you'll have to go through my agent.
146
00:07:54,340 --> 00:07:58,340
Well, I have to go to the Savile Row
and buy some shirts.
147
00:07:59,220 --> 00:08:02,460
Well, it's been delightful, Jonny.
148
00:08:02,500 --> 00:08:03,860
Can I come? Hm?
149
00:08:03,900 --> 00:08:04,900
What?
150
00:08:04,940 --> 00:08:06,260
Can I come to the Savile Row?
151
00:08:06,300 --> 00:08:09,220
I thought you had something
important to attend to?
152
00:08:09,260 --> 00:08:12,900
No, well, that can wait, I'd rather
go to the Savile Row with Hamm.
153
00:08:12,940 --> 00:08:15,500
Would you mind? I'm sorry, Hamm.
154
00:08:15,540 --> 00:08:17,660
Well, it's no problem,
I sometimes get confused
155
00:08:17,700 --> 00:08:21,700
with your British shirt sizes, so
perhaps Steven could give me a hand.
156
00:08:24,700 --> 00:08:28,580
Every shirt, I mean, every shirt
looked sensational on him.
157
00:08:28,620 --> 00:08:30,780
Words cannot describe how great he
is.
158
00:08:30,820 --> 00:08:33,100
Sounds like you have a bit of
a crush on Hamm, Toast.
159
00:08:33,140 --> 00:08:36,020
What? A crush on Jon Hamm?
160
00:08:36,060 --> 00:08:38,220
You couldn't be more wide
of the mark, Ed.
161
00:08:38,260 --> 00:08:42,260
Though I will admit, the man
certainly has charisma-a-a-a.
162
00:08:43,100 --> 00:08:46,860
Care for a fancy, Toast?
Ooh, don't mind if I do.
163
00:08:46,900 --> 00:08:50,900
CREAKING
164
00:08:51,860 --> 00:08:53,580
These are delicious fancies, Ed.
165
00:08:53,620 --> 00:08:57,620
MASONRY CRASHES
166
00:08:58,980 --> 00:09:00,940
Any word on those replacement
stairs?
167
00:09:00,980 --> 00:09:02,820
Otherwise it's going to be
a pain in the arse
168
00:09:02,860 --> 00:09:05,180
having to use that ladder each time
we want to go to bed.
169
00:09:05,220 --> 00:09:06,500
It might be dry rot.
170
00:09:06,540 --> 00:09:10,540
MASONRY CRASHES
171
00:09:11,620 --> 00:09:13,020
Are you a fan of Jon Hamm, Ed?
172
00:09:13,060 --> 00:09:16,100
Oh, yes, I've got every series
of Mad Men on DVD.
173
00:09:16,140 --> 00:09:18,180
It's pretty much the best show
on telly.
174
00:09:18,220 --> 00:09:20,580
Yeah, I'd heard it's great.
I'd love to see them.
175
00:09:20,620 --> 00:09:21,860
Well, er...
176
00:09:21,900 --> 00:09:23,180
Now. I'd love to see it now.
177
00:09:23,220 --> 00:09:24,900
All right. If I could see them now.
178
00:09:24,940 --> 00:09:26,980
Yeah, I'll try and dig them out.
Quick as you can.
179
00:09:27,020 --> 00:09:29,060
INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC ON TV
TOAST LAUGHS
180
00:09:29,100 --> 00:09:33,100
What's he do...? He's insane!
181
00:09:34,020 --> 00:09:36,420
HE LAUGHS
182
00:09:36,460 --> 00:09:39,660
Shit!
183
00:09:39,700 --> 00:09:43,020
And his show is both terrifying
and very funny,
184
00:09:43,060 --> 00:09:45,980
and he is hilarious
and quite mad in it.
185
00:09:46,020 --> 00:09:47,380
PHONE RINGS
186
00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:50,580
It sounds like your phone, Toast.
Ah!
187
00:09:50,620 --> 00:09:53,260
Who's Blair?
PHONE CONTINUES TO RING
188
00:09:53,300 --> 00:09:54,700
It's your brother, you idiot.
189
00:09:54,740 --> 00:09:57,420
You should answer it, Toast,
it'll be about your father.
190
00:09:57,460 --> 00:09:59,300
Who? Your father.
191
00:09:59,340 --> 00:10:01,020
Toast!
192
00:10:01,060 --> 00:10:03,460
I'm giving you my position. What?
193
00:10:03,500 --> 00:10:07,380
I'm somewhere between Sherborne
and Crewkerne.
194
00:10:07,420 --> 00:10:09,700
I'll phone you with information
when I arrive.
195
00:10:09,740 --> 00:10:11,180
But make sure
196
00:10:11,220 --> 00:10:14,060
you're here by Friday, Toast,
and don't bloody forget!
197
00:10:14,100 --> 00:10:15,860
What the hell are you talking about?
198
00:10:15,900 --> 00:10:17,220
Gone!
199
00:10:17,260 --> 00:10:19,580
He's hung up.
200
00:10:19,620 --> 00:10:21,580
Anyway, any word from Hamm?
201
00:10:21,620 --> 00:10:22,820
Has he asked about me?
202
00:10:22,860 --> 00:10:24,340
Not that I recall.
203
00:10:24,380 --> 00:10:26,940
Ooh, he's just moved into a flat
in London.
204
00:10:26,980 --> 00:10:30,380
Meard Street, above the deli.
Isn't that opposite you...
205
00:10:30,420 --> 00:10:34,140
Opposite me and Ed, yes.
I could show him some local haunts.
206
00:10:34,180 --> 00:10:35,420
Have you got his number?
207
00:10:35,460 --> 00:10:37,060
Hamm is a major celebrity.
208
00:10:37,100 --> 00:10:41,100
I can't give out his number to any Tom,
Dick or Toast. He might have it hacked.
209
00:10:41,500 --> 00:10:43,420
INTERCOM BUZZES
Yes, India, what is it?
210
00:10:43,460 --> 00:10:44,700
'It's Peter Davison again.'
211
00:10:44,740 --> 00:10:46,740
JANE SIGHS CROSSLY
212
00:10:46,780 --> 00:10:49,180
Davison's cut his finger off
opening a letter?
213
00:10:49,220 --> 00:10:51,220
All his fingers or just one?
214
00:10:51,260 --> 00:10:53,380
Oh, hang on. I'll have to come out.
215
00:10:53,420 --> 00:10:57,420
I'll be back in a minute.
216
00:11:01,460 --> 00:11:03,140
Here we are...
217
00:11:03,180 --> 00:11:05,780
Tony Hatch, Judith Hann,
218
00:11:05,820 --> 00:11:09,140
Jimmy Hill, Jon Hamm.
There's the boy.
219
00:11:09,180 --> 00:11:12,100
RINGING TONE
220
00:11:12,140 --> 00:11:13,540
Hello?
221
00:11:13,580 --> 00:11:16,660
Hi, Hamm, it's Steven Toast here.
'Oh.'
222
00:11:16,700 --> 00:11:20,700
Yes, hello. Um...how's it going
your end?
223
00:11:20,780 --> 00:11:22,180
Everything's great.
224
00:11:22,220 --> 00:11:23,860
'Listen, I... I was just...'
225
00:11:23,900 --> 00:11:27,900
wondering if you fancied
going for a drink sometime?
226
00:11:28,300 --> 00:11:29,500
When were you thinking?
227
00:11:29,540 --> 00:11:30,620
Er...tomorrow.
228
00:11:30,660 --> 00:11:33,060
I could do tomorrow afternoon,
229
00:11:33,100 --> 00:11:35,380
'but I can't stay late.'
230
00:11:35,420 --> 00:11:37,180
I'm shooting tomorrow in Dor-set.
231
00:11:37,220 --> 00:11:39,900
No, no, that's fine.
That is amazing.
232
00:11:39,940 --> 00:11:43,940
Listen, we'll meet upstairs at
The Colonial, we'll sink a few,
233
00:11:44,220 --> 00:11:48,220
and then maybe go for an Italian
for two.
234
00:11:49,860 --> 00:11:50,940
Look, or whatever.
235
00:11:50,980 --> 00:11:53,460
'Let's meet at one o'clock.' Yes.
236
00:11:53,500 --> 00:11:54,660
Perfection.
237
00:11:54,700 --> 00:11:57,100
Staunch the flow, India!
238
00:11:57,140 --> 00:12:00,780
Ah...bloody hell!
239
00:12:00,820 --> 00:12:03,300
Davison's only gone and lopped
his middle finger off.
240
00:12:03,340 --> 00:12:05,580
Tried not to make a fuss
in front of him,
241
00:12:05,620 --> 00:12:09,620
but when the bandages are off,
it will look quite odd.
242
00:12:10,420 --> 00:12:14,420
Ha! Never a dull moment!
243
00:12:16,020 --> 00:12:18,260
Toast...
244
00:12:18,300 --> 00:12:19,500
...are you all right?
245
00:12:19,540 --> 00:12:23,540
DREAMY MUSIC
246
00:12:25,420 --> 00:12:27,540
Oh! Hello again.
247
00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:30,660
Have you thought any more about
that personal tuition idea?
248
00:12:30,700 --> 00:12:32,500
What? You could come to my flat
if you want.
249
00:12:32,540 --> 00:12:36,540
I've got a sauna and jacuzzi.
Maybe we could relax afterwards?
250
00:12:37,380 --> 00:12:40,000
HE SNORTS
251
00:12:49,820 --> 00:12:53,820
HE SIGHS RESTLESSLY
252
00:12:56,020 --> 00:13:00,020
DREAMY MUSIC
253
00:13:02,660 --> 00:13:04,740
HE SHUDDERS
254
00:13:04,780 --> 00:13:07,140
HE MOANS
255
00:13:07,180 --> 00:13:10,580
HE SIGHS
256
00:13:10,820 --> 00:13:14,820
I've got myself
in a terrible jam
257
00:13:15,660 --> 00:13:19,660
I hit my head
and now I fancy a man
258
00:13:21,100 --> 00:13:25,100
I should feel up
I've never felt so down
259
00:13:25,140 --> 00:13:29,140
And they say
I'm the worst actor in town
260
00:13:31,220 --> 00:13:33,620
ALL: You're the worst!
261
00:13:33,660 --> 00:13:36,220
Yes, you are...
262
00:13:36,260 --> 00:13:40,260
PURCHASE LAUGHS MANICALLY
263
00:13:41,180 --> 00:13:45,180
You are the worst actor
in the world!
264
00:13:48,900 --> 00:13:52,900
Whoo!
265
00:13:55,500 --> 00:13:59,500
MARCHING BAND MUSIC
266
00:14:07,740 --> 00:14:10,180
Is this something to do with
you meeting Hamm later?
267
00:14:10,220 --> 00:14:13,340
No. You're not making
a mix tape for him, are you?
268
00:14:13,380 --> 00:14:15,180
No. Well, he's probably
not interested
269
00:14:15,220 --> 00:14:17,420
in those old marching tunes
you're so fond of.
270
00:14:17,460 --> 00:14:20,420
And recording them on cassette?
It's very old-fashioned.
271
00:14:20,460 --> 00:14:22,700
It's all SoundCloud and Spotify
these days.
272
00:14:22,740 --> 00:14:25,140
MASONRY CRASHES
273
00:14:25,180 --> 00:14:26,500
Oh, dear.
274
00:14:26,540 --> 00:14:30,540
I don't know what I'm doing.
It's been a while since I've been...
275
00:14:30,820 --> 00:14:32,140
In love?
276
00:14:32,180 --> 00:14:33,820
Why the hell would you say that?
277
00:14:33,860 --> 00:14:36,060
Well, you're not eating,
you're not sleeping,
278
00:14:36,100 --> 00:14:37,900
you're keeping a diary.
279
00:14:37,940 --> 00:14:39,260
You've got all the symptoms.
280
00:14:39,300 --> 00:14:43,300
You don't understand. He's got this
charisma, it's like black magic.
281
00:14:43,340 --> 00:14:45,300
Jane says he draws everyone in.
282
00:14:45,340 --> 00:14:47,060
Why don't I make you a cup
of hot chocolate
283
00:14:47,100 --> 00:14:49,940
and we can talk about this
like adults?
284
00:14:49,980 --> 00:14:53,060
I don't think this obsession with Hamm
is healthy. You don't know him!
285
00:14:53,100 --> 00:14:54,740
And you don't understand me.
286
00:14:54,780 --> 00:14:56,940
And I hate living here.
287
00:14:56,980 --> 00:15:00,980
And I'm going to my room!
288
00:15:03,220 --> 00:15:07,220
And I've forgotten my ladder!
289
00:15:08,020 --> 00:15:11,140
Did you know that every phone line
in Hollywood is connected to an asshole?
290
00:15:11,180 --> 00:15:12,500
Hmm!
291
00:15:12,540 --> 00:15:14,740
Hundreds of guys waiting
to fuck you over.
292
00:15:14,780 --> 00:15:18,340
But it's good to be back filming
in the UK.
293
00:15:18,380 --> 00:15:22,380
Dor-set is lovely this time
of the year.
294
00:15:23,980 --> 00:15:26,740
What, are...are you crying?
295
00:15:26,780 --> 00:15:30,500
Oh, no, it's just that you...
you speak so eloquently, Hamm.
296
00:15:30,540 --> 00:15:32,660
Oh! You really do.
297
00:15:32,700 --> 00:15:35,700
It's like hearing one's own name
mentioned on the wireless.
298
00:15:35,740 --> 00:15:38,420
Listen, you don't fancy
a stroll in the park, do you?
299
00:15:38,460 --> 00:15:40,060
I mean, only if you're free,
that is.
300
00:15:40,100 --> 00:15:41,860
Er, I'm free until five.
301
00:15:41,900 --> 00:15:42,940
Only till five?
302
00:15:42,980 --> 00:15:46,980
What have you got on? A photo shoot?
A cocktail soiree?
303
00:15:47,820 --> 00:15:48,980
Dental appointment.
304
00:15:49,020 --> 00:15:53,020
Well, er, your teeth look so perfect
when you play the mad man.
305
00:15:56,900 --> 00:16:00,900
Let's go.
306
00:16:09,420 --> 00:16:12,780
That was the best fun I've ever had.
307
00:16:12,820 --> 00:16:15,340
I've got an idea.
308
00:16:15,380 --> 00:16:17,380
You're filming in Dorset, right?
309
00:16:17,420 --> 00:16:19,180
I need to be in Somerset
in the morning.
310
00:16:19,220 --> 00:16:20,780
We could travel down together.
311
00:16:20,820 --> 00:16:22,540
You could meet my father.
312
00:16:22,580 --> 00:16:24,740
Have to look sharp, he's dying.
313
00:16:24,780 --> 00:16:27,580
I dunno, I...I don't like being
around dying people.
314
00:16:27,620 --> 00:16:28,780
I feel like it's bad luck.
315
00:16:28,820 --> 00:16:31,300
Oh, come on! I could show you
my father's castle.
316
00:16:31,340 --> 00:16:32,780
It's the tallest in the world!
317
00:16:32,820 --> 00:16:35,700
Well, I've got your number.
318
00:16:35,740 --> 00:16:37,140
Er, listen, this was, er...
319
00:16:37,180 --> 00:16:39,380
The best time you've ever had?
320
00:16:39,420 --> 00:16:40,820
No.
321
00:16:40,860 --> 00:16:42,060
OK.
322
00:16:42,100 --> 00:16:45,180
So, I'm going to go.
323
00:16:45,220 --> 00:16:49,220
Cool. Yeah, maybe see you tomorrow.
324
00:16:52,860 --> 00:16:54,060
Oh, God!
325
00:16:54,100 --> 00:16:55,380
Steven, hi!
326
00:16:55,420 --> 00:16:57,580
God, not you again. How are you?
327
00:16:57,620 --> 00:17:00,740
What do you want? Myself and a lot
of other girls
328
00:17:00,780 --> 00:17:03,620
who are actresses and models are
going yachting over the weekend.
329
00:17:03,660 --> 00:17:06,420
We would love for you to join us,
330
00:17:06,460 --> 00:17:08,580
so you could tutor us
in acting and modelling.
331
00:17:08,620 --> 00:17:12,460
Me and the girls really enjoy
topless sunbathing on the deck,
332
00:17:12,500 --> 00:17:15,460
but if you're bothered by that,
we can wear our bikini tops.
333
00:17:15,500 --> 00:17:18,540
I haven't got an auntie's whiff
about modelling.
334
00:17:18,580 --> 00:17:21,860
Is this some kind of ploy
to get me on your sex boat?
335
00:17:21,900 --> 00:17:25,420
And if it is, then you're
barking up the wrong acorn.
336
00:17:25,460 --> 00:17:29,460
Oh...
337
00:17:30,300 --> 00:17:32,340
What the hell is wrong with me?
338
00:17:32,380 --> 00:17:34,900
The man's like crack!
339
00:17:34,940 --> 00:17:38,940
He's like crack!
340
00:17:42,180 --> 00:17:46,180
MAD MEN INCIDENTAL MUSIC PLAYS
341
00:18:08,340 --> 00:18:09,820
Toast, what are you doing here?
342
00:18:09,860 --> 00:18:12,420
Hamm, it's you!
343
00:18:12,460 --> 00:18:15,260
Your window was open,
I couldn't resist climbing in.
344
00:18:15,300 --> 00:18:18,580
Yes, well, I spend a lot of time
hiding in my bed,
345
00:18:18,620 --> 00:18:20,220
to avoid the paparazzi.
346
00:18:20,260 --> 00:18:22,260
It has a special Hamm-shaped
indentation,
347
00:18:22,300 --> 00:18:25,620
so that it appears to be flat.
348
00:18:25,660 --> 00:18:28,220
What's with the mask?
349
00:18:28,260 --> 00:18:32,220
It's Lovejoy, the antiques guy.
350
00:18:32,260 --> 00:18:34,500
Do you wear that so you're
not recognised?
351
00:18:34,540 --> 00:18:35,820
No.
352
00:18:35,860 --> 00:18:39,380
I just went to the shop and they had
a bunch of them - Mr Bean, the Queen,
353
00:18:39,420 --> 00:18:43,420
Camilla, Prince Charles.
I just liked the Lovejoy.
354
00:18:43,900 --> 00:18:46,100
You certainly are a mad man! Ha!
355
00:18:46,140 --> 00:18:49,980
PHONE RINGS
356
00:18:50,020 --> 00:18:51,500
Yep? 'I'm here.'
357
00:18:51,540 --> 00:18:53,660
I've not entered the premises yet,
358
00:18:53,700 --> 00:18:57,620
but on first look it seems to be
pretty vulture-free.
359
00:18:57,660 --> 00:19:00,580
Blair, what the shit are you talking
about? 'Don't jigger me about.'
360
00:19:00,620 --> 00:19:03,380
You need to get here
before the relatives descend.
361
00:19:03,420 --> 00:19:05,100
There could be dozens of them.
362
00:19:05,140 --> 00:19:08,140
I can't afford to find myself
outnumbered, Toast.
363
00:19:08,180 --> 00:19:10,140
Outnumbered, you say?
364
00:19:10,180 --> 00:19:13,860
Don't worry about that, Blair,
I can bring someone with me.
365
00:19:13,900 --> 00:19:17,900
He's fit and has bags of
charisma-a-a-a.
366
00:19:20,420 --> 00:19:21,580
What?
367
00:19:21,620 --> 00:19:23,420
Hamm. Yes?
368
00:19:23,460 --> 00:19:27,460
It's about time you met my father.
369
00:19:27,780 --> 00:19:29,460
That is one tall castle.
370
00:19:29,500 --> 00:19:33,500
Tallest in the world.
371
00:19:36,020 --> 00:19:39,980
I, Gonville Toast...
372
00:19:40,020 --> 00:19:42,660
I wish for my paintings,
373
00:19:42,700 --> 00:19:46,700
my gold and my dog to be
buried with me.
374
00:19:48,260 --> 00:19:49,300
DOG WHIMPERS
375
00:19:49,340 --> 00:19:53,340
Paintings, gold, dog, to be buried
with you upon your death.
376
00:19:53,420 --> 00:19:57,180
Father, I'm here!
Your son has arrived!
377
00:19:57,220 --> 00:20:00,140
Who said that? That's your other
son, Father.
378
00:20:00,180 --> 00:20:01,420
The ac-tor.
379
00:20:01,460 --> 00:20:04,140
The ac-tor? I thought he was dead!
380
00:20:04,180 --> 00:20:07,460
No, Father, that's just what you tell
everybody because you hate him.
381
00:20:07,500 --> 00:20:11,100
Is that you, Toast? We're at the
top, in Father's bedroom.
382
00:20:11,140 --> 00:20:12,140
Come quickly!
383
00:20:12,180 --> 00:20:16,180
And my firearms collection
shall be left to...
384
00:20:17,100 --> 00:20:19,860
Annie Lennox.
385
00:20:19,900 --> 00:20:22,020
And finally...
386
00:20:22,060 --> 00:20:24,060
Hurry up, Toast!
387
00:20:24,100 --> 00:20:25,700
And finally...
388
00:20:25,740 --> 00:20:27,660
GONVILLE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS
389
00:20:27,700 --> 00:20:31,380
..I leave my entire estate,
390
00:20:31,420 --> 00:20:34,380
my fortune and my freehold
properties,
391
00:20:34,420 --> 00:20:38,420
both here and in London to...
392
00:20:43,540 --> 00:20:45,540
..Jon Hamm.
393
00:20:45,580 --> 00:20:46,620
Jon Hamm.
394
00:20:46,660 --> 00:20:48,100
What?!
395
00:20:48,140 --> 00:20:50,620
Argh! No!
396
00:20:50,660 --> 00:20:53,220
No, Father! Wait!
397
00:20:53,260 --> 00:20:56,340
Father! Wake up, Father! Wake up!
398
00:20:56,380 --> 00:20:57,740
Oh, dear God!
399
00:20:57,780 --> 00:21:01,420
I believe your father has passed.
400
00:21:01,460 --> 00:21:04,460
This is your doing, Toast.
You bloody fool!
401
00:21:04,500 --> 00:21:06,460
Why did you bring Jon Hamm
in here?!
402
00:21:06,500 --> 00:21:09,860
Everyone knows about his charm
and charisma.
403
00:21:09,900 --> 00:21:12,780
I'm going to kill you! Whoa!
404
00:21:12,820 --> 00:21:15,260
Toast-ah!
405
00:21:15,300 --> 00:21:17,220
Whoa!
406
00:21:17,260 --> 00:21:18,420
Ooh... Oh, dear!
407
00:21:18,460 --> 00:21:20,940
Oh! Oooh! Oooh!
408
00:21:20,980 --> 00:21:21,980
Ooh!
409
00:21:22,020 --> 00:21:24,620
Whoa! Whoooahh! Whoooaaahhh!
410
00:21:24,660 --> 00:21:26,620
Whooaaahhh! Christ!
411
00:21:26,660 --> 00:21:29,580
Oooh! Oooooohhh!
412
00:21:29,620 --> 00:21:32,740
Ooohhh! Oooargh! Ooh!
413
00:21:32,780 --> 00:21:33,780
Ooff!
414
00:21:33,820 --> 00:21:37,820
Can someone get me a cab? I don't
like being around dead people.
415
00:21:40,620 --> 00:21:42,660
Ah, good morning, Toast.
You're back.
416
00:21:42,700 --> 00:21:44,660
Feeling any better?
Much better, thanks.
417
00:21:44,700 --> 00:21:48,300
Possibly due to my brother Blair
throwing me down 200 steps.
418
00:21:48,340 --> 00:21:50,380
Seems to have reset my head.
419
00:21:50,420 --> 00:21:51,675
Oh, just to warn you, Toast,
420
00:21:51,755 --> 00:21:54,220
I had to give the ladder back
to Maureen Lipman. Really?
421
00:21:54,260 --> 00:21:57,180
So we're going to have to use this
length of rope to get to our bedrooms.
422
00:21:57,220 --> 00:21:58,660
But isn't that Hywel Bennett's?
423
00:21:58,700 --> 00:22:00,340
Yes, and we have to give
that back soon
424
00:22:00,380 --> 00:22:02,740
so he can tie his horsebox
to his Lamborghini.
425
00:22:02,780 --> 00:22:05,460
Wait a moment, Toast, shouldn't you
be with your father?
426
00:22:05,500 --> 00:22:07,380
Too late, Ed, he's dead.
427
00:22:07,420 --> 00:22:10,020
Oh, I'm so sorry.
How's Blair taking it?
428
00:22:10,060 --> 00:22:12,380
Not well. I've never seen a man
so furious.
429
00:22:12,420 --> 00:22:13,660
Possibly due to the fact
430
00:22:13,700 --> 00:22:17,020
him not being left the castle,
or in fact anything in the will.
431
00:22:17,060 --> 00:22:19,220
And who did he leave it to?
Jon Hamm.
432
00:22:19,260 --> 00:22:20,700
Really?
433
00:22:20,740 --> 00:22:23,340
Well, he does have charm and a
most enormous amount of charisma.
434
00:22:23,420 --> 00:22:24,740
So, yes, I'm not at all surprised.
435
00:22:25,300 --> 00:22:29,300
Huh. Anyway, glad to have you back
to normal.
436
00:22:30,380 --> 00:22:32,220
Ooh, she's just my type.
437
00:22:32,260 --> 00:22:34,820
Who's that slice of good beauty?
438
00:22:34,860 --> 00:22:37,780
Oh, it's a complete unknown
called Pooky Hook.
439
00:22:37,820 --> 00:22:40,100
Got no stage or screen experience,
440
00:22:40,140 --> 00:22:43,260
and has landed a lead role
in Star Wars.
441
00:22:43,300 --> 00:22:47,300
And here she mentions that she's a great
fan of yours. Does she now?! Ha-ha!
442
00:22:48,020 --> 00:22:49,980
Maybe you could give her
some acting lessons.
443
00:22:50,020 --> 00:22:53,460
Maybe I could. Maybe I could.
444
00:22:53,500 --> 00:22:56,500
She's a cracker, don't you think?
445
00:22:56,540 --> 00:22:58,100
Probably too young for you.
446
00:22:58,140 --> 00:23:02,140
BOTH LAUGH
447
00:23:09,220 --> 00:23:11,340
So take my hand
448
00:23:11,380 --> 00:23:14,980
We'll disappear to above the sun
449
00:23:15,020 --> 00:23:16,700
To far from here
450
00:23:16,740 --> 00:23:20,500
Though I don't know you
and you don't know me
451
00:23:20,540 --> 00:23:24,540
I just had to talk to you, you see
452
00:23:24,700 --> 00:23:31,700
So take my hand.
453
00:23:31,750 --> 00:23:36,300
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