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00:00:02,040 --> 00:00:06,040
INAUDIBLE
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00:00:09,080 --> 00:00:13,080
I can't... I can't hear you.
Press the button.
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00:00:13,240 --> 00:00:15,280
I can't hear you,
press the button, you doughnut!
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00:00:15,320 --> 00:00:17,400
INAUDIBLE
I can't hear you!
5
00:00:17,440 --> 00:00:18,920
It's Clem Fandango, can you hear me?
6
00:00:18,960 --> 00:00:20,680
Yeah, obviously,
if you press the button.
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00:00:20,720 --> 00:00:23,400
What's your problem? You've only
worked here for three years!
8
00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:24,880
Temper, temper, Steven.
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00:00:24,920 --> 00:00:27,200
Don't you "temper, temper" me, boy.
Just do your job!
10
00:00:27,240 --> 00:00:29,760
OK, Steven. Now, the client
was very, very specific
11
00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:31,120
about the style of the read
12
00:00:31,160 --> 00:00:33,360
and the pronunciation of some
of the words.
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00:00:33,400 --> 00:00:35,080
Clem's got it all in front of him.
We'll take it from here.
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00:00:35,120 --> 00:00:36,120
TOAST: All right.
15
00:00:36,160 --> 00:00:38,280
Hello, Steven, this is Clem
Fandango. Can you hear me?
16
00:00:38,320 --> 00:00:40,080
LAUGHS
You are a fucking star, aren't you?
17
00:00:40,120 --> 00:00:41,680
Yes!
18
00:00:41,720 --> 00:00:43,360
OK, so this is important. The client
has expressed
19
00:00:43,400 --> 00:00:44,440
that he'd really like you to...
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00:00:44,480 --> 00:00:45,480
INAUDIBLE
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00:00:45,520 --> 00:00:48,800
Oh, fucking hell, you've done it
again, you cunt. Press the button!
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00:00:48,840 --> 00:00:52,840
I can't hear you
unless you push the button!
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00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:56,320
Steven, this is Clem Fandango,
can you hear me?
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00:00:56,360 --> 00:00:58,720
I dare you to say that one more time.
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00:00:58,760 --> 00:01:01,080
Yes, I can hear you. Can you hear me?
26
00:01:01,120 --> 00:01:03,560
Yeah, well, then keep your finger
on the fucking button.
27
00:01:03,600 --> 00:01:05,520
I didn't catch a word of that,
all right?
28
00:01:05,560 --> 00:01:07,400
And I need to hear again exactly how
29
00:01:07,440 --> 00:01:09,600
that client wants me to say
this script.
30
00:01:09,640 --> 00:01:10,720
OK, Steven, so this is important.
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00:01:10,760 --> 00:01:12,760
The client has expressed
that he'd really like you to stress
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00:01:12,800 --> 00:01:14,560
certain words within the script.
OK.
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00:01:14,600 --> 00:01:16,400
And the words he'd like you to
stress are la...
34
00:01:16,440 --> 00:01:17,480
INAUDIBLE
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00:01:17,520 --> 00:01:21,520
Fuuuuuaaaaarrrggghhh!
36
00:01:50,720 --> 00:01:54,720
TOAST GRUNTS
37
00:02:05,880 --> 00:02:08,720
It's a little inappropriate
at the breakfast table, Davison.
38
00:02:08,760 --> 00:02:10,560
Maybe you could do it in your room.
39
00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:12,320
All right, all right.
40
00:02:12,360 --> 00:02:15,200
Also, this wine-making equipment.
There's rather a lot of it.
41
00:02:15,240 --> 00:02:19,240
BUBBLING
Yeah, what the hell is it?
42
00:02:28,280 --> 00:02:31,320
Try this, Toast. It's splendid.
43
00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:35,360
Bloody hell, Davison,
it's not even eight o'clock yet.
44
00:02:35,760 --> 00:02:39,760
Well, all right.
45
00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:45,440
TOAST VOMITS
46
00:02:45,480 --> 00:02:47,160
Ohhh...
COUGHS
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00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:50,120
You're meant to sip it.
What the hell is that?
48
00:02:50,160 --> 00:02:52,840
I call it The Black Death.
It's just got that extra edge.
49
00:02:52,880 --> 00:02:54,720
25% proof.
50
00:02:54,760 --> 00:02:56,320
You could clean a car with that,
Davison.
51
00:02:56,360 --> 00:02:58,320
You can't give this to anyone,
you'll kill them!
52
00:02:58,360 --> 00:03:00,920
And could you do the washing-up,
Davison, old chap?
53
00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:03,880
It's your turn.
Good God, Ed, all right!
54
00:03:03,920 --> 00:03:07,920
Do you mind if I have
a Jimmy Riddle first? Is that OK?
55
00:03:11,720 --> 00:03:15,240
I'm sorry, Ed, but Davison's
really starting to get on my pip!
56
00:03:15,280 --> 00:03:17,960
Mine too.
He's constantly complaining.
57
00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:20,160
Said earlier that the towels
weren't soft enough.
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00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:21,880
That's nonsense.
59
00:03:21,920 --> 00:03:24,360
That new fabric conditioner
we've been using's left the towels
60
00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:25,840
delightfully soft and fluffy.
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00:03:25,880 --> 00:03:28,600
I know. But they're not good enough
for Davison.
62
00:03:28,640 --> 00:03:29,720
Why's he even here?
63
00:03:29,760 --> 00:03:32,200
Well, his wife kicked him out
after she caught him on the job.
64
00:03:32,240 --> 00:03:34,280
Ha! Who with?
Shh...
65
00:03:34,320 --> 00:03:36,800
Young dancer. Northerner.
Rough, visceral type.
66
00:03:36,840 --> 00:03:38,640
Ooh.
Not someone you'd expect at all.
67
00:03:38,680 --> 00:03:40,680
But, you know, love is strange.
68
00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:43,000
Yeah. Talking of which,
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00:03:43,040 --> 00:03:45,800
how's it going with...
what's her name? Penelope?
70
00:03:45,840 --> 00:03:47,440
No, Penvelope.
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00:03:47,480 --> 00:03:48,640
Penvelope?
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00:03:48,680 --> 00:03:50,040
Yes, unusual name.
73
00:03:50,080 --> 00:03:51,960
Looks like Penelope
when it's written down,
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00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:53,520
but there's a V stuck in there.
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00:03:53,560 --> 00:03:55,200
Anyway, I just call her Pen.
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00:03:55,240 --> 00:03:59,240
SOBS
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00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:00,880
What's up, Toast?
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00:04:00,920 --> 00:04:04,000
It's nothing. I just haven't had
any action for a while.
79
00:04:04,040 --> 00:04:06,200
Not like you, Toast.
I know!
80
00:04:06,240 --> 00:04:09,400
You know, it doesn't do a chap good
to be out of practice.
81
00:04:09,440 --> 00:04:11,640
I'm glad it's going well with you
and...what's her name?
82
00:04:11,680 --> 00:04:13,560
Penvelope.
Yeah.
83
00:04:13,600 --> 00:04:15,440
You know, she was a finalist
in that really famous
84
00:04:15,480 --> 00:04:17,880
international beauty contest for
women they had in the '70s.
85
00:04:17,920 --> 00:04:20,560
Really? Is that contest still going?
I believe so.
86
00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:22,720
But sadly, due to the rise of
feminism,
87
00:04:22,760 --> 00:04:25,080
many of these contests
have been driven underground.
88
00:04:25,120 --> 00:04:27,400
Oh.
Terrible shame.
89
00:04:27,440 --> 00:04:30,640
My father actually
was on the judging panel in 1972.
90
00:04:30,680 --> 00:04:32,040
Well, now, that is a coincidence.
91
00:04:32,080 --> 00:04:34,520
My father was on the judging panel
that year too.
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00:04:34,560 --> 00:04:38,560
APPLAUSE
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00:04:41,040 --> 00:04:44,120
Well, we've seen all the girls, let's go
straightaway now over to our judges.
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00:04:44,160 --> 00:04:48,160
And first we've got the entrepreneur
Rupert Howzer-Black,
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00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:50,560
who made his fortune
from the Whiskas cat food.
96
00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:54,600
So, Rupert,
which one of our gorgeous,
97
00:04:54,800 --> 00:04:57,680
beautiful ladies could
lick your saucer clean?
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00:04:57,720 --> 00:04:59,200
LAUGHTER
99
00:04:59,240 --> 00:05:00,480
Well, it's very hard to choose,
Dennis,
100
00:05:00,520 --> 00:05:03,720
but I'd have to say that Miss Fiji
performed extremely strongly
101
00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:06,840
in the swimwear section,
which as you know is a highly
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00:05:06,880 --> 00:05:08,640
competitive part of the contest,
103
00:05:08,680 --> 00:05:10,680
and I thought she did
very, very well.
104
00:05:10,720 --> 00:05:14,280
Thank you, Rupert. Moving on now to
Colonel Gonville Toast.
105
00:05:14,320 --> 00:05:17,320
Good evening to you, Colonel.
What do you fancy?
106
00:05:17,360 --> 00:05:19,760
Well, I think, er, Miss Portugal
might just shade it for me,
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00:05:19,800 --> 00:05:22,840
due to the amount of time that
she donates to charity.
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00:05:22,880 --> 00:05:26,520
And I'll make sure I give her
a handsome donation of my own
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00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:28,400
after the show.
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00:05:28,440 --> 00:05:30,440
LAUGHTER
I'm sure you will.
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00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:32,640
Mmm, yeah...
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00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:34,480
How's your donation going, Toast?
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00:05:34,520 --> 00:05:38,520
Ohhh, yes! Mmm-hhh...
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INHALES
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PHONE BEEPS
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00:05:47,840 --> 00:05:49,400
Oh, what's that, Toast?
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00:05:49,440 --> 00:05:51,000
It's a text from Jane.
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00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:55,040
LIGHT PIANO MUSIC PLAYS
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00:05:59,920 --> 00:06:01,000
What's it about?
120
00:06:01,040 --> 00:06:02,840
Well, Jane's had a text
from the organisers
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00:06:02,880 --> 00:06:05,200
of the International
Beauty Contest for Women,
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00:06:05,240 --> 00:06:08,240
asking if I'd like to judge
at this year's event!
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00:06:08,280 --> 00:06:09,640
PHONE BEEPS
124
00:06:09,680 --> 00:06:11,480
Oh, I've also had
a text from the organisers
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00:06:11,520 --> 00:06:13,840
of the International Beauty Contest
for Women.
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00:06:13,880 --> 00:06:16,200
They want me to be a judge
at this year's event, too.
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00:06:16,240 --> 00:06:17,360
Oh, we can go together.
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00:06:17,400 --> 00:06:18,560
SCOFFS
129
00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:22,560
I don't know, Ed.
Beauty contests? They're a bit passe.
130
00:06:22,600 --> 00:06:24,600
They're a bit yesterday's bread.
131
00:06:24,640 --> 00:06:26,240
They're a bit eggnog.
132
00:06:26,280 --> 00:06:27,320
Could be fun, though.
133
00:06:27,360 --> 00:06:29,230
Tell you what, Toast,
I'm seeing Penvelope tonight
134
00:06:29,310 --> 00:06:30,520
and she's bringing a friend along.
135
00:06:30,560 --> 00:06:31,840
Would you like to come?
136
00:06:31,880 --> 00:06:32,939
Pen says that you might fancy her
137
00:06:33,019 --> 00:06:34,560
because she's a weather girl
off the television.
138
00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:37,480
A weather girl? I love weather girls!
139
00:06:37,520 --> 00:06:40,640
I know you do.
Which one is she? Sky News? ITV?
140
00:06:40,680 --> 00:06:44,680
Al Jazeeraaaaaaaaaaa?
141
00:06:45,560 --> 00:06:46,840
She's called Clancy Moped.
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00:06:46,880 --> 00:06:48,840
I think she works
on a specialist weather channel.
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00:06:48,880 --> 00:06:50,640
Then, count me in.
144
00:06:50,680 --> 00:06:53,080
Even if I don't get to
have sex with her,
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00:06:53,120 --> 00:06:56,000
at least I'll know what next week's
weather's going to be like.
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00:06:56,040 --> 00:06:59,600
TOAST LAUGHS HEARTILY
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00:06:59,640 --> 00:07:01,520
Toast, this is Penvelope.
148
00:07:01,560 --> 00:07:03,680
She prefers to be called Pen for
short.
149
00:07:03,720 --> 00:07:07,480
Hello.
150
00:07:07,520 --> 00:07:09,120
And this is Clancy Moped.
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00:07:09,160 --> 00:07:12,360
Hello! I'm Steven Toast.
Hello.
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00:07:12,400 --> 00:07:16,400
Well, this is a nice restaurant,
isn't it? Lebanese, I believe.
153
00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:18,840
Le-bon-ese.
Oh, not Le-ban-ese?
154
00:07:18,880 --> 00:07:20,520
No, Le-bon-ese.
155
00:07:20,560 --> 00:07:22,760
Remember, Toast, you once went to
a Lebanese restaurant
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00:07:22,800 --> 00:07:26,800
because you thought it had
something to do with lesbians?
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00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:30,000
Lebon is a small country
in the Middle East.
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00:07:30,040 --> 00:07:32,120
The weather there
is actually quite mild.
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00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:34,120
Hoh-ho! Ed tells
me you're a weathergirl.
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00:07:34,160 --> 00:07:35,360
SHE LAUGHS
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00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:38,840
Is it that obvious?
162
00:07:38,880 --> 00:07:40,200
I love the weather.
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00:07:40,240 --> 00:07:43,240
Ahh. Well, you must know a lot
about it.
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00:07:43,280 --> 00:07:47,280
So what's the weather like in South Africa
this time of year, par examplaire?
165
00:07:47,880 --> 00:07:49,760
Temperatures in South Africa
tend to be
166
00:07:49,800 --> 00:07:53,800
a lot lower than other countries
of similar latitude, such as Australia,
167
00:07:54,760 --> 00:07:57,920
due mainly to the greater elevation
above sea level.
168
00:07:57,960 --> 00:08:00,920
On the interior plateau,
the altitude keeps the...
169
00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:03,280
VOICE FADES OUT
170
00:08:03,320 --> 00:08:05,720
..there is, however, a striking
contrast between temperatures
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00:08:05,760 --> 00:08:09,000
on the country's east
and west coasts, due respectively to
172
00:08:09,040 --> 00:08:13,040
the warm Agulhas and cold Benguela
currents that sweep the coastlines.
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00:08:14,280 --> 00:08:15,520
Fascinating.
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00:08:15,560 --> 00:08:17,800
I hope I'm not boring you.
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00:08:17,840 --> 00:08:20,200
Not at all, not at all.
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00:08:20,240 --> 00:08:22,920
I do tend to go on
about the weather a lot.
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00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:24,600
That and feminism.
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00:08:24,640 --> 00:08:26,680
ED GROWLS QUIETLY
Are you an active feminist?
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00:08:26,720 --> 00:08:28,400
Oh, very much so, yes.
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00:08:28,440 --> 00:08:30,400
Mm, I love feminism.
181
00:08:30,440 --> 00:08:32,240
And I love women.
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00:08:32,280 --> 00:08:34,000
They're an inspiration to us all.
183
00:08:34,040 --> 00:08:37,560
I mean, you never see a sculpture
of a dog or a monkey in an art gallery,
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00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:39,800
always the bust of a beautiful woman.
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00:08:39,840 --> 00:08:41,720
Ha-ha!
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00:08:41,760 --> 00:08:43,240
I just need to...
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00:08:43,280 --> 00:08:44,560
Course you do.
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00:08:44,600 --> 00:08:46,200
Pen?
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00:08:46,240 --> 00:08:48,120
I think she probably needs to go,
too.
190
00:08:48,160 --> 00:08:52,160
Do you want to come with me?
191
00:08:53,840 --> 00:08:56,120
What do you think of Penvelope,
eh, Toast?
192
00:08:56,160 --> 00:08:59,000
Former finalist of the world's
most prestigious beauty contest.
193
00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:01,080
But from what year?!
194
00:09:01,120 --> 00:09:04,560
1956, I think.
Can't believe my luck.
195
00:09:04,600 --> 00:09:07,240
She looks like
she's had a massive stroke.
196
00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:09,240
Massive stroke of good luck for me,
I'd say.
197
00:09:09,280 --> 00:09:11,480
Well, that Clancy's just my type.
198
00:09:11,520 --> 00:09:14,000
She may bang on about the weather
a bit,
199
00:09:14,040 --> 00:09:16,160
but she's a cracker and no mistacker.
200
00:09:16,200 --> 00:09:18,560
I'm gonna get the bill and try
and wangle my way back to her place.
201
00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:20,960
Toast, what the hell
do you think you're doing?!
202
00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:22,080
Stop it! What?
203
00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:23,640
That gesture you just made
to the waiter.
204
00:09:23,680 --> 00:09:26,800
What...this, indicating I want the
bill? Everyone knows what that means.
205
00:09:26,840 --> 00:09:27,880
No, no, no, no.
206
00:09:27,920 --> 00:09:29,480
In their country that gesture
means,
207
00:09:29,520 --> 00:09:31,240
"I want to...you know...your
mother"!
208
00:09:31,280 --> 00:09:33,680
What?
209
00:09:33,720 --> 00:09:35,880
What is your problem, man?
What?
210
00:09:35,920 --> 00:09:38,320
Why you make the "I want
to fuck your mother" gesture?
211
00:09:38,360 --> 00:09:40,720
I didn't, it was a...getting
the bill. I...
212
00:09:40,760 --> 00:09:43,120
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get out.
What?
213
00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:44,480
Get...out!
214
00:09:44,520 --> 00:09:48,520
And you can forget the bill.
I don't want your fucking money!
215
00:09:49,520 --> 00:09:50,960
Best leave now, Toast.
216
00:09:51,000 --> 00:09:54,000
What about the ladies?
Just... Just leave, now.
217
00:09:56,600 --> 00:09:59,500
Masut, show them the fucking door.
218
00:10:14,820 --> 00:10:18,500
What the fuck are we watching?
219
00:10:18,540 --> 00:10:21,300
It's the state funeral
of Winston Churchill
220
00:10:21,340 --> 00:10:25,060
and happens to be a favourite piece
of archive footage of mine and Ed's.
221
00:10:25,100 --> 00:10:27,940
Oh, splendid, have I missed much?
222
00:10:27,980 --> 00:10:29,220
Where have they got to?
223
00:10:29,260 --> 00:10:31,500
No, you're all right, Ed.
We're still at Whitehall.
224
00:10:31,540 --> 00:10:33,300
Just coming up to the Strand.
225
00:10:33,340 --> 00:10:35,540
Are you two for fuckin' real?!
226
00:10:35,580 --> 00:10:37,860
You fuckin' prick dickheads.
227
00:10:37,900 --> 00:10:41,340
Wankin' fuckin' boring
arsehole shithouses!
228
00:10:41,380 --> 00:10:42,860
Turn it off, man!
229
00:10:42,900 --> 00:10:45,180
Fuck's sake! There's got to
be something better on.
230
00:10:45,220 --> 00:10:46,660
HE LAUGHS
She's got a point, Ed.
231
00:10:46,700 --> 00:10:48,820
You're not going to watch
the whole thing, are you?
232
00:10:48,860 --> 00:10:51,020
I'm sorry, but Toast and I
always watch this footage
233
00:10:51,060 --> 00:10:52,580
on the great man's birthday.
234
00:10:52,620 --> 00:10:55,500
And you, Davison, and your
lady friend are ruining it for us.
235
00:10:55,540 --> 00:10:59,540
Thought you old actors were
meant to be fuckin' hell-raisers!
236
00:10:59,860 --> 00:11:03,860
It's like bein' round at
me nan and fuckin' grandpa's!
237
00:11:04,100 --> 00:11:06,340
Right, I'm off.
238
00:11:06,380 --> 00:11:10,140
Apparently, in their country this...
239
00:11:10,180 --> 00:11:12,260
means something quite rude.
240
00:11:12,300 --> 00:11:14,900
So we had to get out
of the restaurant pretty sharpish.
241
00:11:14,940 --> 00:11:18,140
Anyway, I was wondering if you would
like to go for a drink with me.
242
00:11:18,180 --> 00:11:19,260
CLANCY: 'Yes, please.'
243
00:11:19,300 --> 00:11:21,380
Well, that would be delightful.
244
00:11:21,420 --> 00:11:22,580
OK.
245
00:11:22,620 --> 00:11:25,020
All the best, and I'll see you then.
246
00:11:25,060 --> 00:11:29,060
Yesssssssssssss!
247
00:11:29,340 --> 00:11:33,340
I have to say, I have no interest
in pop music whatsoever.
248
00:11:33,540 --> 00:11:36,260
Me neither.
Although I do like some groups.
249
00:11:36,300 --> 00:11:37,580
Who?
250
00:11:37,620 --> 00:11:40,620
Weather Report, um... Snow Patrol,
Earth, Wind & Fire -
251
00:11:40,660 --> 00:11:42,300
especially the Wind bit... Ooh.
252
00:11:42,340 --> 00:11:45,060
Oh, and my favourite song
is Singin' In The Rain.
253
00:11:45,100 --> 00:11:48,500
Is it? I don't know that one,
but it sounds delightful.
254
00:11:48,540 --> 00:11:51,940
These, er, Pussy Riot fellas,
are they a group?
255
00:11:51,980 --> 00:11:53,540
I'm wearing the T-shirt
256
00:11:53,580 --> 00:11:56,940
because I think what Pussy Riot
are doing is really important.
257
00:11:56,980 --> 00:11:59,660
I'm fully behind
their radical feminist agenda
258
00:11:59,700 --> 00:12:01,980
and I'll always turn out
to support them if I can.
259
00:12:02,020 --> 00:12:03,700
Me too.
260
00:12:03,740 --> 00:12:05,980
Do you know what a feminist
looks like? What?
261
00:12:06,020 --> 00:12:10,020
This.
THEY LAUGH
262
00:12:10,300 --> 00:12:11,620
Mm.
263
00:12:11,660 --> 00:12:15,660
OK, this date - would you say things
are blowing hot or cold?
264
00:12:16,660 --> 00:12:19,420
What would your forecast be?
265
00:12:19,460 --> 00:12:21,060
I would say...hot.
266
00:12:21,100 --> 00:12:23,180
Ha-ha-ha! So would I.
267
00:12:23,220 --> 00:12:25,620
What say we finish these drinks
and go back to your place?
268
00:12:25,660 --> 00:12:29,660
Ooh... Yes.
269
00:12:31,740 --> 00:12:33,180
Very nice.
270
00:12:33,220 --> 00:12:34,620
Care for a drink?
271
00:12:34,660 --> 00:12:36,300
Er, a glass of red wine, please.
272
00:12:36,340 --> 00:12:40,340
Large or small? Large, I think.
273
00:12:42,180 --> 00:12:43,540
Ooh...
274
00:12:43,580 --> 00:12:44,900
HE GRUNTS
275
00:12:44,940 --> 00:12:48,660
Yep...
276
00:12:48,700 --> 00:12:52,700
This is a very
weather-themed room.
277
00:12:52,980 --> 00:12:56,620
I was just admiring your
charming selection of snowglobes.
278
00:12:56,660 --> 00:13:00,220
Oh, Toast.
279
00:13:00,260 --> 00:13:01,940
You must have this one as a gift.
280
00:13:01,980 --> 00:13:05,980
That's very kind.
281
00:13:06,460 --> 00:13:10,460
It may be cold outside,
but I...am very hot.
282
00:13:12,020 --> 00:13:14,340
Oh, you're a smooth-talker, Toast.
283
00:13:14,380 --> 00:13:17,780
But I have something to tell you.
284
00:13:17,820 --> 00:13:20,460
I've never been much good
at romance.
285
00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:23,100
I think that's why I try
to stick to the weather.
286
00:13:23,140 --> 00:13:25,660
It's a very British thing, we
can't talk about our emotions,
287
00:13:25,700 --> 00:13:27,940
so we talk about the weather.
288
00:13:27,980 --> 00:13:31,180
When I'm in love, I just fall apart.
289
00:13:31,220 --> 00:13:34,700
I don't know what to do.
I lose focus.
290
00:13:34,740 --> 00:13:36,620
Even my hearing goes a bit off.
291
00:13:36,660 --> 00:13:38,460
MUFFLED: Don't worry
about that shit.
292
00:13:38,500 --> 00:13:39,940
Why would I worry about bat shit?
293
00:13:39,980 --> 00:13:41,940
No, not bat shit, that shit.
294
00:13:41,980 --> 00:13:44,340
Oh, I'm sorry,
I'm completely losing it now.
295
00:13:44,380 --> 00:13:46,260
It's all because...
296
00:13:46,300 --> 00:13:47,660
I love...
297
00:13:47,700 --> 00:13:49,900
Oh, I can't.
298
00:13:49,940 --> 00:13:51,580
You're the only man I've ever met...
299
00:13:51,620 --> 00:13:53,420
I can't be the only man
you've ever met.
300
00:13:53,460 --> 00:13:55,340
..who doesn't mind me blathering on
301
00:13:55,380 --> 00:13:57,380
about feminism topics
or the weather.
302
00:13:57,420 --> 00:14:00,620
I don't mind at all.
303
00:14:00,660 --> 00:14:02,740
As the warmth of the day
304
00:14:02,780 --> 00:14:06,780
makes way for the cool embrace
of the night,
305
00:14:06,940 --> 00:14:10,940
let us throw caution to the wind.
306
00:14:12,820 --> 00:14:16,820
Oh, that's lovely.
307
00:14:24,260 --> 00:14:28,260
Well, I...thoroughly enjoyed that.
308
00:14:30,220 --> 00:14:34,220
Are you free tomorrow?
309
00:14:34,740 --> 00:14:37,980
She is lovely and the sex is superb.
310
00:14:38,020 --> 00:14:40,020
Straight down to it,
over in seconds.
311
00:14:40,060 --> 00:14:42,340
A quick park? A quick park.
312
00:14:42,380 --> 00:14:44,740
No foreplay, just the way
the ladies like it.
313
00:14:44,780 --> 00:14:48,460
Anyway, I've got to split.
Got a bloody voice-over.
314
00:14:48,500 --> 00:14:51,540
Shouldn't take too long,
then I'm seeing the lovely Clancy,
315
00:14:51,580 --> 00:14:54,340
where the outlook
looks very promising indeed.
316
00:14:54,380 --> 00:14:55,540
You think so?
317
00:14:55,580 --> 00:14:59,580
Yessssssssssssss.
318
00:15:01,100 --> 00:15:04,220
So if your broadband connection
is slowing you down,
319
00:15:04,260 --> 00:15:07,220
try Thunderbolt Ultra-Fast
Broadband.
320
00:15:07,260 --> 00:15:09,380
OK, Steven...
321
00:15:09,420 --> 00:15:10,740
Toast!
322
00:15:10,780 --> 00:15:13,300
I couldn't wait until tonight
to see you.
323
00:15:13,340 --> 00:15:15,180
I think you're top-class!
324
00:15:15,220 --> 00:15:19,220
Clancy!
325
00:15:27,660 --> 00:15:31,660
Damn this glass
for getting in the way of our love!
326
00:15:36,500 --> 00:15:38,420
Sorry, Steven,
really do need to crack on
327
00:15:38,460 --> 00:15:40,940
with this broadband voice-over.
328
00:15:40,980 --> 00:15:44,980
Won't be long.
329
00:15:46,140 --> 00:15:49,300
Go back to your flat, Clancy,
and break open the champagne.
330
00:15:49,340 --> 00:15:53,340
I'll be right with you after
I've dealt with these two arseholes.
331
00:15:58,820 --> 00:16:00,060
Are we rolling?
332
00:16:00,100 --> 00:16:03,020
So if your broadband connection
is slowing you down,
333
00:16:03,060 --> 00:16:07,060
try Thunderbolt Ultra-Fast
Broadband.
334
00:16:08,180 --> 00:16:10,060
Just one more.
HE SIGHS
335
00:16:10,100 --> 00:16:13,820
So, if your broadband connection
is slowing you down...
336
00:16:13,860 --> 00:16:15,740
VOICE FADES OUT
337
00:16:15,780 --> 00:16:19,780
OWL HOOTS
338
00:16:22,940 --> 00:16:26,380
So if your broadband connection
is slowing you down,
339
00:16:26,420 --> 00:16:30,420
try Thunderbolt Ultra-Fast
Broadband.
340
00:16:32,380 --> 00:16:36,380
One more?
TOAST SIGHS
341
00:16:40,700 --> 00:16:41,780
Good morning, Emma.
342
00:16:41,820 --> 00:16:45,820
"Good morning, Emma."
Fucking tool.
343
00:16:47,740 --> 00:16:50,060
DUSTBIN LID CLATTERS ON FLOOR
344
00:16:50,100 --> 00:16:53,220
Davison, the washing-up
really needs to be done.
345
00:16:53,260 --> 00:16:55,900
Yes, I'll do it!
346
00:16:55,940 --> 00:16:58,500
We just need to make
another batch of wine first.
347
00:16:58,540 --> 00:16:59,860
It's fucking top shit.
348
00:16:59,900 --> 00:17:02,300
Right, we're off to Boots,
get some more bottles and gear.
349
00:17:02,340 --> 00:17:06,340
And don't forget...
The washing-up! Yes!
350
00:17:09,660 --> 00:17:12,860
Thank goodness we're getting out of
here for the beauty contest today.
351
00:17:12,900 --> 00:17:14,660
Some relief from those two.
352
00:17:14,700 --> 00:17:15,860
Yeah.
353
00:17:15,900 --> 00:17:17,500
Shit, the weather's on.
354
00:17:17,540 --> 00:17:19,460
I need to see Clancy.
355
00:17:19,500 --> 00:17:21,340
I missed her last night.
356
00:17:21,380 --> 00:17:24,980
Those idiots at Scramble Studios
made me work late.
357
00:17:25,020 --> 00:17:27,220
There'll be a cold front...
Ahh!
358
00:17:27,260 --> 00:17:30,900
..coming in from...
359
00:17:30,940 --> 00:17:32,420
..somewhere.
360
00:17:32,460 --> 00:17:35,700
It'll be freezing.
361
00:17:35,740 --> 00:17:37,420
I don't know what I'm doing today.
362
00:17:37,460 --> 00:17:38,660
Huh?
363
00:17:38,700 --> 00:17:40,740
See...
364
00:17:40,780 --> 00:17:44,780
my Toasty said that he would
call round last night...
365
00:17:44,820 --> 00:17:47,660
and then didn't turn up.
366
00:17:47,700 --> 00:17:48,860
Ooh.
367
00:17:48,900 --> 00:17:52,900
The weather is so...unimportant.
368
00:17:54,460 --> 00:17:57,500
No, no, no, Clancy. Don't do that.
369
00:17:57,540 --> 00:17:59,980
SHE EXHALES DEEPLY
I think I'm in love.
370
00:18:00,020 --> 00:18:03,260
Oh, dear. The poor girl
seems to be somewhat distressed.
371
00:18:03,300 --> 00:18:04,900
It's because she's in love with me.
372
00:18:04,940 --> 00:18:08,940
I mean, who could blame her?
373
00:18:12,700 --> 00:18:16,700
# Feeling hot, but it's cold outside
374
00:18:16,980 --> 00:18:20,980
# The weather's changeable
but I don't mind
375
00:18:21,500 --> 00:18:25,500
# A gift from God
Sent from heaven above
376
00:18:25,620 --> 00:18:29,620
# You could be right
when you say I'm in love
377
00:18:29,740 --> 00:18:33,740
# I'm in love, I'm in love
I'm in lo-ove
378
00:18:34,340 --> 00:18:38,340
CHOIR: # He's in love, he's in love
He's in love
379
00:18:38,380 --> 00:18:42,380
# I'm in love, I'm in love
I'm in lo-ove
380
00:18:43,580 --> 00:18:47,580
CHOIR: # He's in love, he's in love
He's in love... #
381
00:18:50,580 --> 00:18:54,580
SMOOTH KEYBOARD BREAK
382
00:18:56,660 --> 00:18:58,100
CAR HORN OUTSIDE
383
00:18:58,140 --> 00:19:00,140
Ah...that'll be the car
for the beauty contest.
384
00:19:00,180 --> 00:19:01,460
Why are we going so early?
385
00:19:01,500 --> 00:19:04,620
Oh, I imagine there'll be a luncheon
or some lavish reception beforehand.
386
00:19:04,660 --> 00:19:08,660
HE SIGHS
All right.
387
00:19:10,100 --> 00:19:12,140
International Beauty Contest?
388
00:19:12,180 --> 00:19:13,660
Yes? Yeah, jump in, then.
389
00:19:13,700 --> 00:19:17,260
One of you'll have
to get in the back, though.
390
00:19:17,300 --> 00:19:19,980
No, you've gotta be kidding.
391
00:19:20,020 --> 00:19:24,020
DOOR CREAKS
392
00:19:38,260 --> 00:19:41,220
PHONE RINGS
393
00:19:41,260 --> 00:19:43,180
TOAST: 'Where the hell
are we going?'
394
00:19:43,220 --> 00:19:46,060
We've been travelling
for six hours, I'm freezing.
395
00:19:46,100 --> 00:19:48,180
Yes, driver,
where exactly are we going?
396
00:19:48,220 --> 00:19:50,740
I can't tell you that, mate,
the feminists might find out,
397
00:19:50,780 --> 00:19:53,860
then we'll have a shit-storm,
won't we?
398
00:19:53,900 --> 00:19:56,340
Actually, we are a bit early.
399
00:19:56,380 --> 00:19:59,500
I might pull the lamp out,
is that OK? Lamp? What lamp?
400
00:19:59,540 --> 00:20:03,180
Lamping for rabbits in that field
over there, look. 'Ere y'are...
401
00:20:03,220 --> 00:20:07,220
Go on. You shoot, right,
I'll lamp and pick up. Nice.
402
00:20:14,620 --> 00:20:16,380
GUNSHOT
What?!
403
00:20:16,420 --> 00:20:18,940
GUNSHOT
404
00:20:18,980 --> 00:20:21,820
What the hell?
405
00:20:21,860 --> 00:20:23,860
Argh! Jesus!
406
00:20:23,900 --> 00:20:25,300
Urgh!
407
00:20:25,340 --> 00:20:26,460
GUNSHOT
408
00:20:26,500 --> 00:20:29,380
Answer your phone, Ed,
what the hell is going on?!
409
00:20:29,420 --> 00:20:33,420
GUNSHOTS
410
00:20:34,020 --> 00:20:35,980
COCK CROWS
411
00:20:36,020 --> 00:20:38,660
DOG BARKS
412
00:20:38,700 --> 00:20:39,900
ED: Sorry, Toast.
413
00:20:39,940 --> 00:20:42,220
FARMYARD NOISES
414
00:20:42,260 --> 00:20:45,540
They used to hold these things
in the Dorchester.
415
00:20:45,580 --> 00:20:47,660
Right, gentlemen,
I think we should get started
416
00:20:47,700 --> 00:20:49,100
as soon as possible, don't you?
417
00:20:49,140 --> 00:20:51,860
Now, wait a minute, where's the
organiser? We should talk to him.
418
00:20:51,900 --> 00:20:54,260
I'm the organiser, mate.
Vic Titball.
419
00:20:54,300 --> 00:20:56,500
Thanks for agreeing
to judge this year's contest.
420
00:20:56,540 --> 00:20:58,540
I know you said
these beauty contests
421
00:20:58,580 --> 00:21:01,180
have been driven underground,
but this is ridiculous.
422
00:21:01,220 --> 00:21:02,940
Looks more like a dogfight.
423
00:21:02,980 --> 00:21:05,060
Right, let's get the girls in.
424
00:21:05,100 --> 00:21:07,260
Ah, the girls. Where are they?
425
00:21:07,300 --> 00:21:09,620
They're outside, in a van.
426
00:21:09,660 --> 00:21:10,940
Cos it's a bit cramped in here,
427
00:21:10,980 --> 00:21:12,700
we're gonna do 'em
in batches of three.
428
00:21:12,740 --> 00:21:16,740
LEERY CHEERING
429
00:21:16,900 --> 00:21:19,020
Yes, beautiful ladies.
430
00:21:19,060 --> 00:21:22,020
Miss Bulgaria, Miss Romania
431
00:21:22,060 --> 00:21:24,380
and Miss...
Where you from again, darlin'?
432
00:21:24,420 --> 00:21:25,420
Albania.
433
00:21:25,460 --> 00:21:26,740
Albania, of course.
434
00:21:26,780 --> 00:21:28,060
Ah, the swimwear round.
435
00:21:28,100 --> 00:21:29,100
COUGHING
436
00:21:29,140 --> 00:21:30,340
COW MOOS
437
00:21:30,380 --> 00:21:32,340
DOG BARKS
438
00:21:32,380 --> 00:21:33,780
CHICKEN CLUCKS
439
00:21:33,820 --> 00:21:37,100
Look, I'm getting out of here, Ed,
this is bullshit. Are you coming?
440
00:21:37,140 --> 00:21:38,180
BANG
441
00:21:38,220 --> 00:21:40,820
SHOUTING
442
00:21:40,860 --> 00:21:44,620
WOMEN SHOUT AND CHANT
443
00:21:44,660 --> 00:21:48,660
Who are they? Pussy Riot.
444
00:21:51,340 --> 00:21:52,740
Pen?
445
00:21:52,780 --> 00:21:55,940
Clancy!
446
00:21:55,980 --> 00:21:57,540
Toast!
447
00:21:57,580 --> 00:21:58,940
No!
448
00:21:58,980 --> 00:22:02,980
It's not what it seems!
449
00:22:03,100 --> 00:22:05,620
History repeating itself,
it would appear, Toast.
450
00:22:05,660 --> 00:22:07,540
Clancy was furious.
451
00:22:07,580 --> 00:22:10,020
I'm truly heartbroken, Ed.
It's all over now.
452
00:22:10,060 --> 00:22:11,420
Such a shame.
453
00:22:11,460 --> 00:22:12,940
HE GRUNTS
454
00:22:12,980 --> 00:22:15,820
Have you seen Davison and Emma?
Are they back yet?
455
00:22:15,860 --> 00:22:18,380
Davison still hasn't done
the washing-up!
456
00:22:18,420 --> 00:22:22,420
I haven't seen them, Ed.
Maybe they're in their room.
457
00:22:32,820 --> 00:22:36,100
I don't think Davison's in a fit
state to do the washing-up, Ed.
458
00:22:36,140 --> 00:22:40,140
All right.
It's just you and me, then.
459
00:22:44,860 --> 00:22:48,860
Huh, unbelievable!
THEY LAUGH
460
00:22:54,300 --> 00:22:56,620
# So take my hand
461
00:22:56,660 --> 00:23:00,180
# We'll disappear to above the sun
462
00:23:00,220 --> 00:23:02,260
# To far from here
463
00:23:02,300 --> 00:23:06,260
# No, I don't know you
and you don't know me
464
00:23:06,300 --> 00:23:09,940
# I just had to talk to you, you see
465
00:23:09,980 --> 00:23:17,500
So take my hand.
466
00:23:17,550 --> 00:23:22,100
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