Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

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Phone us on... That's great, Steven. That's literally it. What?

You don't want me to finish it?

There's no phone number. It just stops.

All good, buddy.

It's half an advert. It's a bit bloody peculiar, isn't it?

Hello, Steven, this is Clem Fandango. Can you hear me?

Shut up, I'm talking to the grown-up.

Who the hell wants half an advert? Honestly, Steven.

Don't worry. It's just a demo for some new client.

It probably won't go anywhere, anyway.

What the hell are you talking about?

Steven, look, we've really got to wrap this up

and crack on with another session. TEXT ALERT

Is that Colin? Yeah, yeah. He's waiting outside.

All right, all right.

I suppose I'll see you two next Thursday.

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

Actually, Steven... What?

Would you mind showing Colin in on your way out?

Only, I don't think he's been here before.

TOAST GROANS

It's just through there. I think they're expecting you.

I know where it is, thank you, big boy.

LAUGHTER IN STUDIO

God, I thought he'd never leave. He's such a dick!

What the...?

Are you sure he's gone? Oh, yeah.

Just going to play some of the guide through your headphones. OK.

'Find a better job...' Got it.

Are we rolling?

IN TOAST'S VOICE: 'Remember, click on giveusajob.biz today

'and find a better job.

'There's a great new career out there, waiting for you.

THEY LAUGH

'Phone us on 08081 570000.'

What the f...?

Well, I see you're enjoying the hospitality here, Steven.

Well, it's a bit early for me, but your chef was very insistent.

I know. He's a wee devil, isn't he?

He is. Anyway, bottoms up!

So, I understand you are returning to the theatre in the Scottish play.

Ha-ha, yes. And I notice you didn't say it.

I know. Is it still a big no-no in theatrical circles,

to actually say "Macbeth"?

Yeah.

Anyway, it's a great part and it's in Regents Park.

It's in the open air.

Yep, I mean it's always a pleasure to do Shakespeare

and it's a nice bonus that you get some fresh air at the same time.

TOAST LAUGHS

Well, it's being simultaneously broadcast, of course,

live on ITV's Night of Culture.

Is it?

Yes, yes! Right. Well, I wasn't aware of that.

Yeah, it is, because you know, doing a whole Shakespeare play

live on TV - I mean, that's brave. It must be nerve-wracking.

Yeah, I'm sure I'll rise to the challenge.

Now, who else is in it?

Oh, well, there's Oona Length, Rob Continental...

Ray Purchase?

..there's, er... Oh, and of course, Sue Pressier,

who's worked a lot with Stanley Kubrick.

Ooh, are you a Kubrick fan?

I wouldn't say I'm a fan but I did meet him once.

Really? Mmm.

What happened? Well, it was a long time ago.

Have you got time? Yeah.

OK. Well, it would have been about 1969.

I was doing some cheap, pornographic film in Pinewood Studios.

I mean, I don't know whether this is of any interest to you...

I could tell they were desperate to catch you.

"Name your price," they said.

And I picked the biggest number I could think of.

?5,000 - for a voiceover!

Isn't that terrific?

?5,000? Yes!

And they said, "Name your price?"

Anything at all.

There were no limits on how high they were willing to go!

Well, why didn't you say ?6,000?

Or ?600,000, or a million pounds?!

Or a million, million pounds?!

Because at the time,

the biggest number I could think of was ?5,000.

Anyway, we got the gig.

You're blasted lucky to be getting any voiceover jobs at all.

This tiny chap who sounds just like you is moving in on your patch.

Slightly cheaper and infinitely easier to work with.

Yeah, this can't be legal. Can you not sue him, or something?

Ha!

And talking of suing people, I should be suing you

for failing to mention that this

Shakespeare thing's going out live on TV!

Oh, did I not tell you?

Yes, a Night of Culture on ITV -

straight after Emmerdale Farm.

Imagine the viewers!

Jane, I...

I've never done any live television.

What are you talking about? You did it this morning, you cretin!

What, ten minutes on Lorraine?

And I was half-boozed.

Three hours of intense Shakespeare's a different box of cheese!

Indeed.

Who could forget when dear old Patrick Stewart... Ooh.

How was Lorraine this morning, anyway? I missed it.

No idea, I was pissed.

PHONE BUZZES

Jane, your phone's actually lit up.

I've never seen it do that before. Very quiet!

This is Jane Plough speaking.

Who am I talking to, please?

What's this in reference to?

(Who is it?)

Well, I'll have to speak to him myself.

(Who?) No comment.

Who was that?

Do you remember telling a story about Stanley Kubrick

to Lorraine this morning, Toast? PHONE BUZZES

God, I couldn't have been that pissed, could I?

Just answer the question.

PHONE BUZZES

I may have told her 'the story.'

'The story'?

PHONE BUZZES

Go on, then.

Well, it was a few years ago, now.

1969, to be precise.

I was at Pinewood Studios...

'doing some low budget film. Some sex comedy, probably.

'Anyway, I smoked a hell of a lot of grass back then

'and would frequently not remember what I was doing.

'I was supposed to meet someone at Stage B,

'but I foolishly walked into Stage D.'

I mean, I really was cock of the walk, back then.

I mean, I paid no mind to any rules or regs.

I mean, you might call me an easy rider.

Get on with it, Toast.

All right.

Anyway, I wandered through the back door...

'but failed to notice a large "keep out" sign and red recording light

'as I made my way into the vast film studios.

'It could have been something to do with

'the amount of Children in Need I was smoking,

'but the very next thing I knew, I was walking on the moon.

'I could even see a couple of astronauts waving at me

'and the Apollo 11 space module.'

Hey! C-cut! Hey!

'But out of nowhere...' Hey, you!

'..a parka-wearing hairy man whom I recognised as Stanley Kubrick

'slammed me hard against a wall.'

Who are you?

'He demanded to know who I was.'

Steven Toast. Steven Toast?

'When I informed him, he berated me in an angry fashion.'

If you ever breathe a word about what you've just seen,

I guarantee you'll be tracked down and killed.

If I ever hear of you again...

..you're dead! Ooh!

'And another thing...' Now, get the fuck off my set!

'After Kubrick had finished berating me,

'I noticed the stern-looking man in the doorway watching

'was none other than...'

Richard 'Tricky Dicky' Nixon.

Well, how in hell did you know that?

Very lucky guess.

How amazing!

The actual president of the United States!

You know what you've done, don't you, Toast? No.

On a live television programme, watched by possibly millions,

you cheerfully admitted to having witnessed something

that could not only bring down the US government,

but could also destroy the entire world.

Could I use your toilet facilities?

TOAST HUFFS AND GRUNTS

It's no good. These pickled onions are always tricky.

Well, maybe Ray will be able to get it off later.

I very much doubt that.

THEY SNIGGER

There!

That looks great.

This whole Kubrick thing - it's a most peculiar business.

Oh, you are under enormous pressure at the moment, Toast.

Maybe you hallucinated it?

Well, of course, I bloody didn't. You can't hallucinate the past.

I know what I saw.

I'm sure it's connected to you

doing this Shakespeare in the park live on TV. How?

Some kind of nervous reaction related to stage fright

has induced a false memory.

It can do odd things. Who can forget dear old Patrick Stewart?

Mmm, maybe. Anyway, where were we?

Well, you were trying to get the lid off my pickled onions.

Well, maybe I've got some pickled onions of my own that need releasing.

Mmm... TOAST CHUCKLES

..Just such an arsehole. Can you believe it?

The moon landing. The moon landings? Kubrick?

A breakdown, live on Lorraine.

Unbelievable!

Any sign of Peggy?

Peggy?

I don't think even legendary theatre director Peggy Plywood

can help you out of this one, Toast.

Ray bloody Purchase.

Anyone got a number for the men in white coats?

Walking on the moon? Really, Toast? You've trumped yourself this time.

And you chose to have your meltdown live on Lorraine! Just brilliant!

Shut up, Ray Purchase!

For those with your minds on other things, may I remind you

that in 30 hours' time, you'll be on stage

in one of Shakespeare's greatest plays?

Which is also being broadcast live to the nation on ITV!

Oh, God!

Of course. Peggy, I'm so sorry if I...

Shut up, Ray Purchase!

Now, I'd like to look at Banquo's entrance again,

before we do the last dress run.

So, sort yourselves out!

Oh, I like this one.

Toast?

TOAST HUMS ALONG TO RECORD

Toast! TOAST HUMS

Urgh! Jesus Christ, Peggy!

I nearly shat my grey rehearsal sweatpants!

Judging by the position of that whisky bottle,

I deduce that you have not yet been to bed.

I can't sleep, Ed. My brain's doing somersaults.

I didn't know this Shakespeare play was going out live on TV.

Of course! Live TV!

Always quite... ED WAILS

All right! I've known a lot of actors lose it

when they do drama live on television.

I remember Scott Chestnut once became very racist

just before he did Lear live on BBC Two.

That's right, he did. Don't worry, Toast.

Most actors would be really scared

about having to do Shakespeare live on television.

Really scared.

I'm not really scared. Are you sure? Yes.

Really? Yes.

Really?

Yes!

And who could forget when dear old Paddy Stewart...

Paddy... PHONE RINGS

Toast.

Any sign of them yet?

Who? The CIA.

That's presumably who Kubrick meant

when he said they were going to get us.

"Us"?

I'm your agent, Toast. I know too much!

They'll take me out as well.

No, I probably imagined it, Jane. I mean, I...

We need to be very careful. Very careful!

I'm going to hang up, now. Phone is probably bugged.

Jane?

TANNOY: 'Ladies and gentlemen of the cast, this is your one hour call.

'One hour, please.'

Biscuit? Mmm.

Um... No, thanks.

Patrick Stewart.

Steven Toast.

Doing drama on live TV - Patrick hated it. I'll never forget.

What the hell does that mean? You don't know?

When Patrick did Hamlet, live on BBC Two?

Back in those days, Patrick had a lovely head of hair.

Bit like yours, Toast - but less weird.

So, it's all going very well, until about the fourth act,

when his hair starts falling out.

First, in single hairs - then strands, then whole clumps.

By the time he gets to the castle in the final act,

he's as bald as a coot. You're kidding?

No. There's hair all over the floor.

And all cos he was doing Shakespeare live on TV!

PEGGY LAUGHS God help me.

Yeah, it can affect actors in all kinds of strange ways.

I've seen one chap start talking backwards, during a live Corrie.

And Scott Chestnut - he suddenly became very fascist.

No, racist.

Why are you clinging onto this pillar?

I'm not.

And if you don't mind, Peggy...

..I'd like to prepare.

TOAST WHIMPERS

PHONE RINGS Who the f...?

Toast! Oh, glad I caught you, Toast.

I think you may have taken my mobile by mistake.

Oh, yeah. That's all right, Ed, it's right here.

I'll just get it... Mmm...

Ed? Your mobile is, in fact right in front of me,

but I can't reach it, cos I can't let go of the pillar.

Can you get here ASAP? I think I might have...

THUNDERCLAP ..stage fright!

# I've never been so frightened in my life

# Never dreamed I'd suffer from stage fright

# Suspected something bad When my face turned white

# Was really in the sheet When I couldn't move my feet

# And I wouldn't recommend being paralysed

But the atmosphere up here is very nice.

Good evening.

Come on, Toast. You know you want to.

Oof! Look...

I've got the jar of picked onions.

Pfff... Ooh!

Mmm! Why don't you come over here and unscrew my lid?

Oof!

Mmm...

Pfff!

Ah! Ooh!

Ah! Ooh! Ooahh!

Pfff, just... Oh.

OK, thanks, Mrs Purchase. Doesn't seem to be working.

Mmm. I mean, this is serious, Ed.

You know what kind of sex appetite I have.

I know you do, but for whatever reason,

you don't seem to be able to break free from that pillar.

OK, you can go now, Mrs P.

Oh, OK, Ed. Sorry I couldn't do more.

Come on, Toast, get into costume. I want to rehearse the sword fight.

You've not cracked it yet and I refuse to look a Tom Fool on stage!

What are you doing here, darling? Oh, grow up, Ray.

Are those my picked onions?

Will you both please leave, now? Are those my picked onions?

Oh, stop being so childish! God!

What are you doing in there with Toast?

Oh, honestly, Ray - why are you so paranoid all the time?!

I'm not paranoid, darling... This is absolutely fascinating.

A very similar thing happened to Roy Castle on Record Breakers.

He couldn't let go of a fire extinguisher

and we were told not to touch him, in case he had a heart attack.

Oh, God! Who else knows about this? Peggy? The cast?

Well, yeah. I mean, pretty much.

You couldn't scratch my back for me, could you, Ed?

I can't reach. Of course, old chap.

Slightly lower. There we...

Ooh, yeah!

Oof! PHONE RINGS

Toast.

Toast, have they tried to kill you yet?

Who?

The Americans, the CIA! Have they tried to kill you?

No. That's good. We need to be extremely careful.

Look, I can't let go.

You... You can't what? I can't let go of the pillar.

My God! They must have drugged you, or something.

No, Jane. I'm pretty sure I've got stage fright.

Nonsense! The Americans have done this to you

because you blabbed about the moon landings.

GLASS SHATTERS JANE GASPS

It's hard for a chap to swallow his pride, Ed, but I'm in the shit.

And you mentioned you knew someone that could possibly help me.

Right. Well, I hope he's available. He's the best in the biz.

Well, that's who I need. Hi. Yeah, fine, yeah.

You're just back from Hollywood?

Fantastic! Listen, I'm going to need your skills.

You could say it's an emergency.

IN TOAST'S VOICE: Because the world's not black and white,

the world's in colour.

That is, er... That's great, Colin.

No problem, fellas. Stunning work, Colin, mate. You got it in one.

I don't see a reason why we should get Toast in

for another voiceover, like ever, ever again.

Exactamundo, so why bother? I mean, Colin's...

Colin's just so much cooler.

You bet he is. I mean, Steven Toast is just a wanker.

Right, we're going to take a break, yeah?

We're like, way ahead of schedule.

Yeah!

Get in. Doink!

Now, don't be nervous. Alan is the best.

He has a terrific bedside manner

and is very experienced in these situations.

Did you just say "Alan"?

KNOCKS AT DOOR Where the fuck is he?

You've got to be kidding?

How you doing, boys?

Hi, Alan. Hi, Alan.

Now, then... Ed tells me that you've lost your bottle.

Thanks, Ed. Don't you worry, son.

I've cured many actors whose arse has caved in at the last minute -

Roy Castle... Mmm. ..Mark Rylance and I'm just back from Hollywood.

Been doing a lot of work with Meryl Streep and her fear of bells.

It's a bit desperate, Alan. The curtain goes up in...

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh... All I need you to do

is listen to my voice and my voice alone

and I guarantee we'll have you back on that greengage

in no fucking time at all.

Now, then... Bah, spare me this New Age shoeshine!

Look, Toast, you'd better get your act together.

We're on in less than one hour.

I have waited 20 years to play Macduff

and I won't let you screw it up for me!

Word is already out about this Kubrick thing.

Everyone thinks you've lost your marbles. You're a joke!

And if you fuck this up tonight,

every actor in London is going to hunt you down

and cut you from arsehole to breakfast time!

Who the fuck is this?

His name's Ray Purchase.

He lives near the Warrington pub, Alan, in Maida Vale.

Nice boozer. Now, you listen to me,

Ray Purchase from Maida Vale.

You's have got two options here, I reckon.

One, you carry on like you was

and take a chance that I don't hunt you down

and cut you from arsehole to breakfast time!

Or you can fuck off,

after apologising to me for putting me off my stroke!

I'm sorry, Alan. I was just trying to help.

And to Toast.

Really? Yes!

Sorry, Toast. TOAST SNORTS

Now, at this point, I need to be alone with my client.

Of course. So, please - Ed, could you take silly bollocks outside?

Ray? Yeah.

Now then, time to get my tools out.

SAWING WOOD

How's it going, Alan?

Nearly there, son.

Timber!

CRASH

My voice is in my sword...

..thou bloodier villain than terms can give thee out!

RAY PURCHASE SHOUTS AND GRUNTS

Come on! Fuck! Do the bloody thing!

Can't, can I?! Come on, man!

I'm stuck to the pole!

APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ah!

Good reviews for the play, Toast.

Lots of praise for your pillar work.

"Steven Toast's brilliantly inventive Macbeth,

"clutching a pillar throughout.

"A clever metaphor for the burden of guilt and paranoia

"carried by the character."

LAUGHTER If only they knew!

PHONE RINGS

Toast? Well done again, Toast.

Sorry about all that CIA nonsense.

I must have got caught up in all your paranoia.

Very unlike me. Ciao for now.

Ah...

AMERICAN ACCENT: You must be Jane.

Where's Toast?

Great stuff. Thank you, man.

My pleasure. Do it again, one more. Oh, yeah. One more for the road!

Go on, then. CLEARS THROAT

TOAST'S VOICE: My name is Steven Toast.

And I saw Stanley Kubrick direct the moon landings.

LAUGHTER Oh, it's too good! Ciao.

GUNSHOT

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