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1
00:00:01,320 --> 00:00:04,479
It's tremendous news.
They want to see me for James Bond?
2
00:00:04,480 --> 00:00:08,119
Yes. What a break,
after how many years in the industry?
3
00:00:08,120 --> 00:00:09,880
10, 15? 28.
4
00:00:11,040 --> 00:00:13,999
Ha! I knew Craig'd choke it.
Too many stunts.
5
00:00:14,000 --> 00:00:15,759
And he's always looked like
the villain.
6
00:00:15,760 --> 00:00:19,439
Do you think
they'll expect me to talk?
7
00:00:19,440 --> 00:00:23,440
You won't do that, will you?
8
00:00:30,440 --> 00:00:32,599
I'm here for Bond.
9
00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:33,639
Steven Toast.
10
00:00:33,640 --> 00:00:36,319
Who? Steven Toast.
11
00:00:36,320 --> 00:00:40,320
OK. Take a seat.
12
00:00:44,680 --> 00:00:46,679
Havers. Morning, Toast.
13
00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:47,999
Fassbender. Steven.
14
00:00:48,000 --> 00:00:52,000
Steven Toast.
15
00:01:05,400 --> 00:01:07,079
The name's Bond.
16
00:01:07,080 --> 00:01:08,199
James Bond.
17
00:01:08,200 --> 00:01:09,599
Hey!
18
00:01:09,600 --> 00:01:12,519
What the hell do you think
you're playing at?!
19
00:01:12,520 --> 00:01:16,520
Shit.
20
00:01:23,860 --> 00:01:50,162
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
21
00:02:02,440 --> 00:02:04,119
Jane? 'Fucking idiot.'
22
00:02:04,120 --> 00:02:06,839
You heard, yeah? It wasn't great.
'Clearly.'
23
00:02:06,840 --> 00:02:09,439
No, I misjudged it.
I think I frightened some of them.
24
00:02:09,440 --> 00:02:12,559
Still, they'll realise
I'm the right man for the job
25
00:02:12,560 --> 00:02:14,199
when they see the other no-hopers.
26
00:02:14,200 --> 00:02:15,319
Oh, yeah.
27
00:02:15,320 --> 00:02:17,319
All right, see you!
28
00:02:17,320 --> 00:02:21,320
Ooh!
29
00:02:22,160 --> 00:02:23,759
Hi, it's Toast.
30
00:02:23,760 --> 00:02:25,159
Toast?
I'm in a phone box.
31
00:02:25,160 --> 00:02:27,599
What?
I lost my mobile in an audition,
32
00:02:27,600 --> 00:02:31,600
but luckily, one of your prostitute
cards is in here.
33
00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:35,680
Look, I can't make it tonight. I'm playing
poker with Elaine Paige and Lloyd Webber.
34
00:02:35,920 --> 00:02:38,200
But I'll see you tomorrow at 3pm.
35
00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:50,200
So... This is it, chaps.
All eyes on me.
36
00:02:51,320 --> 00:02:53,439
Three kings.
37
00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:55,759
I believe it's your turn,
Elaine Paige.
38
00:02:55,760 --> 00:02:58,279
Time to put your winkle out,
as my gran used to say.
39
00:02:58,280 --> 00:03:00,559
Excuse that.
40
00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:01,920
I've got nothing.
41
00:03:03,320 --> 00:03:06,719
Bad luck, EP. Couldn't have happened
to a nicer gal.
42
00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:09,799
So, Andrew Lloyd Webber,
looks like it's you and me.
43
00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:12,439
If I was you, I'd make this swift.
44
00:03:12,440 --> 00:03:15,839
No-one wants to look like a top
arsehole in front of their floozy.
45
00:03:15,840 --> 00:03:19,840
Excuse that.
46
00:03:24,720 --> 00:03:26,679
He can't do that, can he?
47
00:03:26,680 --> 00:03:30,480
You knew that was all the money
I had. I could puke.
48
00:03:34,800 --> 00:03:36,479
Lots of lovely money.
49
00:03:36,480 --> 00:03:38,959
Ooh, lovely.
50
00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:42,399
Mm-mm-mm!
Forgotten something, Toast?
51
00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:44,719
I don't have any money for a taxi.
52
00:03:44,720 --> 00:03:48,399
I deign it for you
to have a pound.
53
00:03:48,400 --> 00:03:51,559
You still owe Lloyd Webber ?20,000,
Toast.
54
00:03:51,560 --> 00:03:54,719
Yeah, well, you can tell Mr Lloyd
Webber that he can shove that
55
00:03:54,720 --> 00:03:57,800
up his Starlight Express.
56
00:03:59,400 --> 00:04:01,359
Oh, I'm growing a tail.
57
00:04:01,360 --> 00:04:02,640
No, where is it?
58
00:04:04,800 --> 00:04:06,920
Ah. There he is.
59
00:04:11,800 --> 00:04:13,559
Toast!
60
00:04:13,560 --> 00:04:15,759
What the hell are you doing here
this early?
61
00:04:15,760 --> 00:04:18,439
I have alarming news, Jane.
62
00:04:18,440 --> 00:04:21,119
To go with the alarming smell?
63
00:04:21,120 --> 00:04:24,639
Suddenly reeks of
a working men's club in here.
64
00:04:24,640 --> 00:04:27,679
Working men in this room?
That'll be a first.
65
00:04:27,680 --> 00:04:30,439
You look dreadful, Toast.
Please take your feet off my desk.
66
00:04:30,440 --> 00:04:31,639
Where are your shoes?
67
00:04:31,640 --> 00:04:33,559
Lloyd Webber took them.
68
00:04:33,560 --> 00:04:34,919
Bloody poker.
69
00:04:34,920 --> 00:04:36,479
How much did you lose?
70
00:04:36,480 --> 00:04:38,479
I owe him ?20,000.
71
00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:42,480
Well, I expect you'll be receiving
a visit from Michael Ball soon, then.
72
00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:45,319
Michael Ball?
73
00:04:45,320 --> 00:04:46,599
Yes.
74
00:04:46,600 --> 00:04:49,199
Ball is Lloyd Webber's enforcer.
Has been for years.
75
00:04:49,200 --> 00:04:51,239
Anyone owes LW money,
Ball picks it up.
76
00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:52,879
Obviously, he doesn't have to do it,
77
00:04:52,880 --> 00:04:56,279
but it gives him something to do in
the day between shows and winning awards.
78
00:04:56,280 --> 00:04:58,919
Shit.
What now, Toast?
79
00:04:58,920 --> 00:05:01,399
I slept with Michael Ball's
girlfriend
80
00:05:01,400 --> 00:05:03,239
not long after they split up.
81
00:05:03,240 --> 00:05:04,319
How long after?
82
00:05:04,320 --> 00:05:06,519
About ten minutes.
Fucking idiot.
83
00:05:06,520 --> 00:05:08,079
Unusually attractive girl.
84
00:05:08,080 --> 00:05:10,719
Great sense of humour,
much like myself. We laughed a lot.
85
00:05:10,720 --> 00:05:13,439
Well, he probably won't remember
you. Why would you say that?
86
00:05:13,440 --> 00:05:16,279
Well, in general, I've noticed
people tend not to remember you.
87
00:05:16,280 --> 00:05:17,919
That's a hell of a pearl necklace,
Jane.
88
00:05:17,920 --> 00:05:19,680
Shut up, Toast.
89
00:05:20,840 --> 00:05:22,359
Jane "Pluff".
90
00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:24,079
He's here now, actually.
Let me ask him.
91
00:05:24,080 --> 00:05:25,839
Urgent dubbing request just in.
92
00:05:25,840 --> 00:05:27,959
Dubbing? Fuck that.
Just bear with me.
93
00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:30,919
Shall I get some more details?
No. He's on the line. I'm not interested.
94
00:05:30,920 --> 00:05:33,839
May as well. Don't waste your time,
Jane. I'll ask him. More details?
95
00:05:33,840 --> 00:05:35,119
Yes.
96
00:05:35,120 --> 00:05:37,639
It's a new film.
Young maverick Danish director.
97
00:05:37,640 --> 00:05:40,479
Arthouse. Highbrow stuff.
German-Spanish co-production.
98
00:05:40,480 --> 00:05:42,799
Today. DVD. English. Five.
99
00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:45,399
I didn't understand any of that,
Jane. It was just single words.
100
00:05:45,400 --> 00:05:48,479
Sorry, Toast. It needs to be dubbed
into English for eventual DVD release.
101
00:05:48,480 --> 00:05:49,759
They're offering ?5,000.
102
00:05:49,760 --> 00:05:51,439
I'll do it.
Great.
103
00:05:51,440 --> 00:05:54,319
He'll do it. He'll be there
in two and a half minutes.
104
00:05:54,320 --> 00:05:55,399
Where is it?
105
00:05:55,400 --> 00:05:57,559
Scramble Studios.
106
00:05:57,560 --> 00:05:58,759
What, those arseholes?
107
00:05:58,760 --> 00:06:01,559
They wouldn't know highbrow
from holy water.
108
00:06:01,560 --> 00:06:04,959
Could you please get out now?
109
00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:08,960
Top arsehole.
110
00:06:10,880 --> 00:06:12,559
What all those people doing there?
111
00:06:12,560 --> 00:06:15,319
Oh, you know, they just work here.
112
00:06:15,320 --> 00:06:17,479
Well, let's get on.
I've got an appointment later.
113
00:06:17,480 --> 00:06:19,319
All right, no problems, Steven.
114
00:06:19,320 --> 00:06:22,599
So, dubbing some gay arthouse
erotica.
115
00:06:22,600 --> 00:06:23,839
Some what?
116
00:06:23,840 --> 00:06:27,319
Don't have a problem with playing
gay, do you? Gay? No.
117
00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:29,999
I mean, I won't play a bald man,
not even on Radio 4,
118
00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:31,439
but I'm not gay-sceptic.
119
00:06:31,440 --> 00:06:32,799
Let's go.
120
00:06:32,800 --> 00:06:35,239
OK, good. OK, so,
the guy you're working with...
121
00:06:35,240 --> 00:06:37,359
What guy?
The guy playing the other part.
122
00:06:37,360 --> 00:06:39,279
Who?
Name's Ray Purchase. You know him?
123
00:06:39,280 --> 00:06:43,280
Incredibly homophobic. He hates
gays and the whole gay scene.
124
00:06:44,040 --> 00:06:47,719
Oh.
125
00:06:47,720 --> 00:06:49,359
Ray fucking Purchase.
126
00:06:49,360 --> 00:06:52,399
Well, well, well.
127
00:06:52,400 --> 00:06:53,599
Look who it is.
128
00:06:53,600 --> 00:06:55,439
You two know each other?
That's great!
129
00:06:55,440 --> 00:06:58,079
No, it isn't. You hypocrite,
Purchase.
130
00:06:58,080 --> 00:07:01,159
You're the most homophobic actor
in London.
131
00:07:01,160 --> 00:07:02,679
What this? Gay for pay?
132
00:07:02,680 --> 00:07:05,719
I don't like to see grown-up men
kissing, Toast.
133
00:07:05,720 --> 00:07:08,199
I fail to see what the fuck
it's got to do with you.
134
00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:10,799
OK, gents. That's a good idea.
135
00:07:10,800 --> 00:07:12,559
What is?
136
00:07:12,560 --> 00:07:16,560
Not wearing shoes. It's a bit
relaxed, a bit comfortable.
137
00:07:16,600 --> 00:07:19,039
OK, so I believe you are voicing
the character of Miguel.
138
00:07:19,040 --> 00:07:20,159
Right.
139
00:07:20,160 --> 00:07:24,160
Coming at you.
We're going to start with Ray.
140
00:07:26,840 --> 00:07:29,479
My name is Helmut from Munich.
141
00:07:29,480 --> 00:07:32,199
You must be Miguel.
142
00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:36,200
Yes, I am. Hola!
143
00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:38,799
You are keen, my friend.
144
00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:41,919
But I asked the agency
for a blond man.
145
00:07:41,920 --> 00:07:44,839
I am sorry to disappoint you.
146
00:07:44,840 --> 00:07:46,879
It was not what I was expecting.
147
00:07:46,880 --> 00:07:48,439
Really?
148
00:07:48,440 --> 00:07:51,560
Would you like me
to put my underpants back on?
149
00:07:53,280 --> 00:07:56,639
Steven, this is Clem Fandango. Can you hear
me? Yes, I can hear you, Clem Fandango.
150
00:07:56,640 --> 00:07:58,839
This is going great, Steven,
really terrific.
151
00:07:58,840 --> 00:08:00,159
One note from the director.
152
00:08:00,160 --> 00:08:02,399
He really wants you to pronounce it
"unterpantzi".
153
00:08:02,400 --> 00:08:04,959
Really give it everything.
154
00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:06,839
Here we go.
155
00:08:06,840 --> 00:08:08,399
Put my
156
00:08:08,400 --> 00:08:09,480
unterpantzi!
157
00:08:11,080 --> 00:08:13,439
Sorry, I'll do that again.
158
00:08:13,440 --> 00:08:16,359
Put my unterpaaantzi...
159
00:08:16,360 --> 00:08:17,920
..back on.
160
00:08:20,480 --> 00:08:23,799
It's great. It's really good. Do you want
to take a break before the next bit?
161
00:08:23,800 --> 00:08:25,039
No, let's just keep going.
162
00:08:25,040 --> 00:08:29,040
Calm down, Toast.
163
00:08:30,560 --> 00:08:31,959
Mmm!
164
00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:33,680
Mwah.
165
00:08:34,720 --> 00:08:36,279
Ooh.
166
00:08:36,280 --> 00:08:39,040
Mmm!
167
00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:53,880
Huh! Whoa!
168
00:08:55,040 --> 00:08:56,640
Ha! Uh!
169
00:08:58,360 --> 00:09:00,080
Huh! Whoargh!
170
00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:04,799
Oh! Huh!
171
00:09:04,800 --> 00:09:07,239
Huh! Ah!
172
00:09:07,240 --> 00:09:09,679
Huh! Meh!
173
00:09:09,680 --> 00:09:11,639
Huh! Wah! Huh!
174
00:09:11,640 --> 00:09:14,239
All right, all right. OK.
We're nearly there.
175
00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:18,240
Just some solo kissing from you,
Ray, all right? No need to look at the screen. OK.
176
00:09:20,680 --> 00:09:24,680
Aaahhh...
177
00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:45,000
OK. And from you, Steven.
178
00:09:57,360 --> 00:09:59,959
OK, OK, OK,
just hold it there, Steven.
179
00:09:59,960 --> 00:10:02,599
Ray, you are finished, sir.
Thank you, man, it's great.
180
00:10:02,600 --> 00:10:04,879
Great work, Ray. Thanks a lot.
Your taxi's outside.
181
00:10:04,880 --> 00:10:07,959
OK, thanks, Danny. Cheers, Clem!
182
00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:11,960
Oh, and, Toast...
183
00:10:13,120 --> 00:10:17,039
Cunt.
184
00:10:17,040 --> 00:10:19,799
Thanks, Danny. Great.
Really great. Brilliant. Cheers.
185
00:10:19,800 --> 00:10:21,439
Sorry he's such a prick.
Well...
186
00:10:21,440 --> 00:10:24,239
All the best. Cheers.
187
00:10:24,240 --> 00:10:27,079
OK, Steven, the feeling is that you
can play it just a little less gay.
188
00:10:27,080 --> 00:10:28,439
A little less gay?
189
00:10:28,440 --> 00:10:31,159
Yeah, just bring it down a bit.
190
00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:33,559
It's just a bit...
It's a bit over the top.
191
00:10:33,560 --> 00:10:35,160
It's a bit John Inman.
192
00:10:36,320 --> 00:10:37,600
Just a bit camp!
193
00:10:38,680 --> 00:10:40,119
OK, I'm off.
194
00:10:40,120 --> 00:10:41,199
What?
195
00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:44,159
Yeah. You think I can't see you
laughing in there?
196
00:10:44,160 --> 00:10:45,639
Yeah, you.
197
00:10:45,640 --> 00:10:46,919
You malnourished pimp,
198
00:10:46,920 --> 00:10:50,759
with your World War I facial hair
in your sister's clothes. Steven...
199
00:10:50,760 --> 00:10:54,760
You shut the fuck up, Clem Fandango.
And your made-up name.
200
00:10:54,800 --> 00:10:57,239
All right, Steven, Steven,
we're not laughing at you,
201
00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:59,119
it's just... It's something
on YouTube.
202
00:10:59,120 --> 00:11:02,119
Give me your shoes. My shoes? Yeah,
and my taxi fare.
203
00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:05,559
Take it off my fee.
204
00:11:05,560 --> 00:11:09,560
You fucking laugh at me,
you motherfucker.
205
00:11:11,120 --> 00:11:13,879
Luckily, I just bought another pair.
Nah-nah-nah-another pair.
206
00:11:13,880 --> 00:11:17,039
Taxi fare.
207
00:11:17,040 --> 00:11:18,149
Fucking clown.
208
00:11:50,827 --> 00:11:53,467
Come on, you dirty bastard!
209
00:11:55,067 --> 00:11:58,146
Shit a brick, Mrs Purchase!
210
00:11:58,147 --> 00:11:59,786
I think I'm losing my eyesight!
211
00:11:59,787 --> 00:12:03,787
Oh! Jesus Christ, Toast.
212
00:12:05,267 --> 00:12:06,706
I actually have gone blind.
213
00:12:06,707 --> 00:12:07,786
Have you?
214
00:12:07,787 --> 00:12:09,226
No, it's come back.
215
00:12:09,227 --> 00:12:10,867
God, I needed that
and no mistaking.
216
00:12:12,027 --> 00:12:14,426
The last man who
made love to me like that
217
00:12:14,427 --> 00:12:16,386
had just got out of prison.
218
00:12:16,387 --> 00:12:18,146
And if I wasn't
stressed enough already,
219
00:12:18,147 --> 00:12:21,226
then your husband turned up
to the voiceover session.
220
00:12:21,227 --> 00:12:23,146
But he's away all afternoon.
221
00:12:23,147 --> 00:12:25,266
He's on some protest
against gay marriage.
222
00:12:25,267 --> 00:12:27,146
He's notoriously homophobic.
223
00:12:27,147 --> 00:12:30,586
Yeah.
224
00:12:30,587 --> 00:12:32,546
Toast...
225
00:12:32,547 --> 00:12:34,786
Since when have you started
wearing boys' trainers?
226
00:12:34,787 --> 00:12:36,866
Since Lloyd Webber took my shoes.
227
00:12:36,867 --> 00:12:38,066
Where is the other one?
228
00:12:38,067 --> 00:12:40,066
I don't know. That's the least
of my problems.
229
00:12:40,067 --> 00:12:43,666
Hmm. You all right, Toast? No.
230
00:12:43,667 --> 00:12:45,306
Michael Ball is after me.
231
00:12:45,307 --> 00:12:46,866
No...
232
00:12:46,867 --> 00:12:48,706
Yes.
233
00:12:48,707 --> 00:12:50,466
One unusual fact
about Michael Ball -
234
00:12:50,467 --> 00:12:52,826
he has a vast amount
of blood in his body.
235
00:12:52,827 --> 00:12:54,586
Really? I read somewhere
236
00:12:54,587 --> 00:12:56,826
he has double the amount
than your average person.
237
00:12:56,827 --> 00:12:59,906
Apparently, it helps him
belt out those power ballads.
238
00:12:59,907 --> 00:13:02,146
Well, he'll be after your
ballads if you don't pay up.
239
00:13:02,147 --> 00:13:05,506
Yeah. He's probably waiting for me
at the theatre. I'll be ready.
240
00:13:05,507 --> 00:13:08,026
Has your soppy husband
got any clean shirts?
241
00:13:08,027 --> 00:13:11,946
Yeah. On that chair over there.
242
00:13:11,947 --> 00:13:14,106
'You upstairs, darling?'
243
00:13:14,107 --> 00:13:16,026
Oh, shit, it's Ray.
244
00:13:16,027 --> 00:13:18,426
Not enough anti-gays
turned up at the protest.
245
00:13:18,427 --> 00:13:20,946
Ha! Good news for society.
246
00:13:20,947 --> 00:13:22,826
Bad news for Steven Toast.
247
00:13:22,827 --> 00:13:24,906
Quick, under the bed, Toast.
Absolutely not.
248
00:13:24,907 --> 00:13:27,266
What? I'm not hiding
from Ray Purchase.
249
00:13:27,267 --> 00:13:28,586
It's about time we came clean.
250
00:13:28,587 --> 00:13:29,746
Plimsolls?
251
00:13:29,747 --> 00:13:30,947
What's all this about?
252
00:13:31,006 --> 00:13:33,006
So where is the young buck who...
253
00:13:34,166 --> 00:13:36,245
Toast! Purchase.
254
00:13:36,246 --> 00:13:40,205
I thought I could smell
cheap aftershave and bullshit!
255
00:13:40,206 --> 00:13:42,525
Ray... Careful of
your blood pressure.
256
00:13:42,526 --> 00:13:44,045
Remember what Dr Wo-Joe said.
257
00:13:44,046 --> 00:13:45,205
Toast...
258
00:13:45,206 --> 00:13:47,605
I may appear completely
calm. However,
259
00:13:47,606 --> 00:13:50,925
inwardly I am in fact working out
exactly how I am going to kill you
260
00:13:50,926 --> 00:13:54,165
and this time I will kill you,
I shit thee nay!
261
00:13:54,166 --> 00:13:58,166
Oh, give it a rest, Ray. What
have you done with the young stud who was wearing these? Where is he?
262
00:13:58,446 --> 00:14:00,765
Thought you'd have
a three-piece, did you?
263
00:14:00,766 --> 00:14:04,766
A what? A threesome, you prat.
264
00:14:05,206 --> 00:14:07,725
Those trainers belong to Toast.
He's borrowed them.
265
00:14:07,726 --> 00:14:10,325
Who from? A 15-year-old?
So where are your proper shoes?
266
00:14:10,326 --> 00:14:11,805
Andrew Lloyd Webber has them.
267
00:14:11,806 --> 00:14:13,645
What?! Wait a second.
268
00:14:13,646 --> 00:14:16,965
Are you wearing my shirt?
269
00:14:16,966 --> 00:14:18,165
All right, Purchase.
270
00:14:18,166 --> 00:14:21,565
Now, if someone slept with my wife,
I'd be equally irritated.
271
00:14:21,566 --> 00:14:24,925
But she is one feisty,
independently minded, modern gal.
272
00:14:24,926 --> 00:14:27,605
She can sleep with
whoever she pleases.
273
00:14:27,606 --> 00:14:30,125
Another woman if it took her fancy.
274
00:14:30,126 --> 00:14:32,085
Hey, yeah, I'm cool with that.
Ray, what about...
275
00:14:32,086 --> 00:14:34,765
Never!
276
00:14:34,766 --> 00:14:36,525
Well, if you wouldn't mind
getting out of my...
277
00:14:36,526 --> 00:14:40,526
Oh, you're going nowhere,
Toast. Oh, grow up, Ray.
278
00:14:45,646 --> 00:14:48,125
Honestly.
279
00:14:48,126 --> 00:14:52,126
I'm serious, Toast.
I'm going to kill you.
280
00:14:53,606 --> 00:14:55,725
What?!
281
00:14:55,726 --> 00:14:59,726
I just always wondered why
you walked in such a strange manner.
282
00:15:00,006 --> 00:15:02,605
What the hell are you talking about?
283
00:15:02,606 --> 00:15:05,045
Did you know you had
one leg shorter than the other?
284
00:15:05,046 --> 00:15:08,405
No, I don't.
285
00:15:08,406 --> 00:15:12,406
Do I?
286
00:15:29,326 --> 00:15:33,326
'Afternoon, Horace.'
287
00:15:42,486 --> 00:15:44,845
Me? No, I haven't been out.
288
00:15:44,846 --> 00:15:47,326
Yeah. I'm a lazy bitch.
289
00:15:49,326 --> 00:15:51,765
Must... kill...
290
00:15:51,766 --> 00:15:52,965
Toast.
291
00:15:52,966 --> 00:15:56,005
Yeah, let's meet for coffee
in the morning. You can tell me
292
00:15:56,006 --> 00:15:58,165
all about your stepson's
half-brother.
293
00:15:58,166 --> 00:16:01,165
Talking of your cafe, whatever
happened to that young artist
294
00:16:01,166 --> 00:16:03,806
with the gorgeous arse
who used to come in on a Friday?
295
00:16:05,686 --> 00:16:09,686
Well, with an arse like that,
I'm sure he can do what he likes.
296
00:16:28,246 --> 00:16:31,245
Andrew simply wants his money.
297
00:16:31,246 --> 00:16:33,645
And I'm going to get it for him.
298
00:16:33,646 --> 00:16:36,725
It's not rocket science.
299
00:16:36,726 --> 00:16:40,726
'Two-minute call
for Steven Toast.'
300
00:16:47,606 --> 00:16:50,765
Get out of my way!
Get out of my way!
301
00:16:50,766 --> 00:16:52,285
Get out of my way!
302
00:16:52,286 --> 00:16:56,286
I have a concealed weapon!
303
00:17:06,446 --> 00:17:07,965
That will be our king.
304
00:17:07,966 --> 00:17:10,845
His timing is perfect as usual.
305
00:17:10,846 --> 00:17:12,445
Everything is in place.
306
00:17:12,446 --> 00:17:15,245
We are all gathered
in anticipation.
307
00:17:15,246 --> 00:17:16,925
Please enter...
308
00:17:16,926 --> 00:17:18,486
Your Grace.
309
00:17:22,366 --> 00:17:25,885
All praise him,
for he is divine.
310
00:17:25,886 --> 00:17:29,886
All praise him, for he is divine.
311
00:17:30,006 --> 00:17:34,006
All praise him, for he is divine.
312
00:17:34,206 --> 00:17:35,885
All praise him
313
00:17:35,886 --> 00:17:37,325
for he is divine.
314
00:17:37,326 --> 00:17:38,765
This is shit!
315
00:17:38,766 --> 00:17:39,965
..for he is divine.
316
00:17:39,966 --> 00:17:41,405
Bastard.
317
00:17:41,406 --> 00:17:45,325
All praise him,
for he is divine.
318
00:17:45,326 --> 00:17:47,885
All praise him, for he is divine.
319
00:17:47,886 --> 00:17:49,725
Excuse me. What?
320
00:17:49,726 --> 00:17:52,165
Do you happen to know
where the toilets are?
321
00:17:52,166 --> 00:17:54,005
Um, yes.
322
00:17:54,006 --> 00:17:56,605
They are just down there
on the left. Thank you so much.
323
00:17:56,606 --> 00:17:59,645
All praise him,
for he is divine.
324
00:17:59,646 --> 00:18:02,125
All praise him, for he is divine.
Stupid cow.
325
00:18:02,126 --> 00:18:03,845
For fuck's sake.
326
00:18:03,846 --> 00:18:06,685
The ceremony can now begin.
327
00:18:06,686 --> 00:18:10,686
Let our high priest
step forward.
328
00:18:11,006 --> 00:18:13,565
You can't escape Lloyd Webber, Toast.
329
00:18:13,566 --> 00:18:16,845
This play stops until
Andrew gets his money.
330
00:18:16,846 --> 00:18:19,005
It's not rocket science.
331
00:18:19,006 --> 00:18:21,165
You've got a fucking nerve,
332
00:18:21,166 --> 00:18:23,645
Leaping onto the stage
during another actor's play.
333
00:18:23,646 --> 00:18:26,445
You of all people should know
better than that, Ball.
334
00:18:26,446 --> 00:18:29,165
You don't seem to understand
335
00:18:29,166 --> 00:18:32,605
You owe Lloyd Webber 20 grand
336
00:18:32,606 --> 00:18:34,645
You must place it
337
00:18:34,646 --> 00:18:38,646
In my hand!
338
00:19:02,286 --> 00:19:05,725
All right, Toast. Looks like
your luck has finally shit out.
339
00:19:05,726 --> 00:19:07,685
What's with the...
This is serious, Toast.
340
00:19:07,686 --> 00:19:09,285
You've never taken me seriously!
341
00:19:09,286 --> 00:19:10,805
Who the fuck is this?
342
00:19:10,806 --> 00:19:14,806
His name's Ray Purchase.
He's a massive idiot.
343
00:19:19,686 --> 00:19:23,285
Shit. I'm off.
344
00:19:23,286 --> 00:19:25,565
Stand back, everyone.
There'll be a lot of blood.
345
00:19:25,566 --> 00:19:28,845
Yes. I have double
the amount of blood in my body.
346
00:19:28,846 --> 00:19:30,405
I know.
347
00:19:30,406 --> 00:19:32,165
Oh, dear. Look out.
348
00:19:32,166 --> 00:19:34,245
Urgh!
349
00:19:34,246 --> 00:19:37,765
By the way, Toast,
I know about you and Phoebe.
350
00:19:37,766 --> 00:19:39,565
Who? My ex-girlfriend, Phoebe.
351
00:19:39,566 --> 00:19:42,805
Fee-bee? Is that how
you pronounce it?
352
00:19:42,806 --> 00:19:44,485
I thought it was Phobe.
353
00:19:44,486 --> 00:19:46,485
No. It's pronounced Fee-bee.
354
00:19:46,486 --> 00:19:50,045
You were out of the picture, Ball.
She was fair game.
355
00:19:50,046 --> 00:19:52,845
She told me she'd hocked up
with some second-rate actor
356
00:19:52,846 --> 00:19:55,605
begging for scraps
at the chip shop...
357
00:19:55,606 --> 00:19:58,405
who I now discover
finds himself appearing
358
00:19:58,406 --> 00:20:02,406
in what is generally regarded
as the worst play ever produced...
359
00:20:02,566 --> 00:20:04,285
Too fuckin' right!
360
00:20:04,286 --> 00:20:06,405
..ten minutes after I left.
361
00:20:06,406 --> 00:20:08,045
Too soon, Toast.
362
00:20:08,046 --> 00:20:10,525
Too soon.
363
00:20:10,526 --> 00:20:13,325
It's not rocket science.
364
00:20:13,326 --> 00:20:16,205
Well, if it's any consolation,
Fee...
365
00:20:16,206 --> 00:20:17,965
- Phoebe.
- Phoebe!
366
00:20:17,966 --> 00:20:19,845
She dumped me pretty sharpish.
367
00:20:19,846 --> 00:20:21,605
By the way, Toast... What?
368
00:20:21,606 --> 00:20:24,085
Could you possibly
call me an ambulance?
369
00:20:24,086 --> 00:20:25,805
I think it's too late, Ball.
370
00:20:25,806 --> 00:20:28,085
I mean, there's a hell
of a lot of blood.
371
00:20:28,086 --> 00:20:29,885
Oh. OK.
372
00:20:29,886 --> 00:20:31,965
Well, then...
373
00:20:31,966 --> 00:20:35,565
Could you see that my body
is placed in an airtight capsule
374
00:20:35,566 --> 00:20:39,285
and launched into outer space?
375
00:20:39,286 --> 00:20:42,245
It's what my fans would want.
376
00:20:42,246 --> 00:20:44,205
Hang on a minute.
That is rocket science.
377
00:20:44,206 --> 00:20:47,245
Yes, Toast.
378
00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:49,365
I rather think...
379
00:20:49,366 --> 00:20:51,046
it is.
380
00:20:58,886 --> 00:21:02,886
You're right.
381
00:21:29,406 --> 00:21:31,925
Can you believe it?
What a turnaround.
382
00:21:31,926 --> 00:21:34,685
"Experimental theatre at its finest,"
383
00:21:34,686 --> 00:21:36,645
according to the Standard.
384
00:21:36,646 --> 00:21:40,525
It's a pity Michael Ball
isn't in it every night.
385
00:21:40,526 --> 00:21:43,045
Yes, I hate to admit it,
but he still delivers the goods.
386
00:21:43,046 --> 00:21:44,645
He died earlier today. Did he?
387
00:21:44,646 --> 00:21:45,765
That's a shame.
388
00:21:45,766 --> 00:21:47,245
Did they arrest Ray Purchase?
389
00:21:47,246 --> 00:21:49,845
There'll be enough witnesses
to hang that bastard.
390
00:21:49,846 --> 00:21:52,645
More importantly, I have
good news on the Bond front.
391
00:21:52,646 --> 00:21:53,845
Are you sitting down?
392
00:21:53,846 --> 00:21:55,805
Well, I'm clearly
sitting down, Jane.
393
00:21:55,806 --> 00:21:58,005
You've got the role. Really?!
394
00:21:58,006 --> 00:21:59,845
But I made a slight error.
395
00:21:59,846 --> 00:22:02,605
They don't actually want you
for the role of James Bond.
396
00:22:02,606 --> 00:22:04,005
They want you for
397
00:22:04,006 --> 00:22:06,285
"Double-take Man".
398
00:22:06,286 --> 00:22:07,405
Is he a regular?
399
00:22:07,406 --> 00:22:09,245
No, he fucking isn't!
400
00:22:09,246 --> 00:22:11,205
He's just a man
who looks incredulous.
401
00:22:11,206 --> 00:22:12,325
Twice.
402
00:22:12,326 --> 00:22:14,205
He's no more than an extra.
403
00:22:14,206 --> 00:22:17,085
How the fuck could you
get that so wrong?
404
00:22:17,086 --> 00:22:18,325
Can you stop swearing?
405
00:22:18,326 --> 00:22:22,446
The finer details must have been on
the attachments, and I don't normally read attachments. Unbelievable.
406
00:22:23,126 --> 00:22:26,045
Lydia, where the hell is
Toast's parcel? 'Um, it's just...'
407
00:22:26,046 --> 00:22:28,525
I know. I can see it now!
408
00:22:28,526 --> 00:22:31,245
Ooh. It's from Lloyd Webber.
409
00:22:31,246 --> 00:22:34,245
Tremendous news. He's taken over
production of your play.
410
00:22:34,246 --> 00:22:35,725
What does it say?
411
00:22:35,726 --> 00:22:37,805
"Don't worry about the ?20,000.
412
00:22:37,806 --> 00:22:39,765
"Sorry I took your shoes.
413
00:22:39,766 --> 00:22:42,925
"I hope these fit nicely."
414
00:22:42,926 --> 00:22:46,713
Oh, sweet!
415
00:22:49,790 --> 00:23:14,920
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416
00:23:14,970 --> 00:23:19,520
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