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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,591 --> 00:00:04,599 Up periscope. 2 00:00:08,508 --> 00:00:11,111 Down periscope. 3 00:00:11,886 --> 00:00:13,925 Hi, Steven. This is Clem Fandango. 4 00:00:13,926 --> 00:00:16,685 - What, the work experience boy? - Yeah, can you hear me, Steven? 5 00:00:16,686 --> 00:00:19,485 Yeah, I can hear you, Clem Fandango. Where's that other prick? 6 00:00:19,486 --> 00:00:22,925 Danny? He's DJing at a music festival this weekend. 7 00:00:22,926 --> 00:00:23,965 Yeah, just to be clear, 8 00:00:23,966 --> 00:00:27,565 so these'll be heard on every submarine in the Royal Navy? 9 00:00:27,566 --> 00:00:29,725 Yeah, they're just automating and digitising everything, you know. 10 00:00:29,726 --> 00:00:31,645 The Commander presses a button, 11 00:00:31,646 --> 00:00:33,965 and the recording of your voice will be heard immediately... 12 00:00:33,966 --> 00:00:37,966 Yeah, I'm not interested in all that. Can we just crack on? 13 00:00:38,406 --> 00:00:42,406 Fire the nuclear weapons! 14 00:00:45,446 --> 00:00:47,045 Steven, that was good. 15 00:00:47,046 --> 00:00:48,485 But do you think you can give it another try, 16 00:00:48,486 --> 00:00:50,965 this time saying it in a less alarming way? 17 00:00:50,966 --> 00:00:53,085 Less alarming? 18 00:00:53,086 --> 00:00:55,525 I've just given the order to fire the nuclear weapons. 19 00:00:55,526 --> 00:00:57,685 I've just unleashed Armageddon! 20 00:00:57,686 --> 00:01:00,485 Yes, but the feeling here is that you could do it in a way which is a little less dramatic. 21 00:01:00,486 --> 00:01:03,206 It's just a little bit over the top at the moment. Have fun with it. 22 00:01:06,246 --> 00:01:09,126 Fire the nuclear weapons! 23 00:01:10,166 --> 00:01:12,445 That was a little bit too far the other way, a bit too, um... jolly. 24 00:01:12,446 --> 00:01:14,526 You know, why don't you just try it a few more times? 25 00:01:16,886 --> 00:01:19,405 Fire the nuclear weapons! 26 00:01:19,406 --> 00:01:22,005 Fire the nuclear weapons! 27 00:01:22,006 --> 00:01:25,045 Fire... the nuclear weapons! 28 00:01:25,046 --> 00:01:28,205 Fire the nuclear weapons! 29 00:01:28,206 --> 00:01:31,685 Fire the nuclear weapons! 30 00:01:31,686 --> 00:01:35,246 Yeah! 31 00:01:36,566 --> 00:01:39,727 Do you want to move on to the next one, Steven? You can come back to that later. 32 00:01:40,966 --> 00:01:43,057 Abandon the vessel immediately. 33 00:01:44,984 --> 00:01:52,984 Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru. 34 00:02:10,966 --> 00:02:14,565 So, they put the lot of them out in the field and they started eating grass. 35 00:02:14,566 --> 00:02:17,325 Sorry, Ed, I don't understand. You don't eat grass, you smoke it. 36 00:02:17,326 --> 00:02:18,925 Not if you're a cow. 37 00:02:18,926 --> 00:02:22,926 Oh! Sorry. I thought you were talking about the Rolling Stones. 38 00:02:23,166 --> 00:02:27,165 No. 39 00:02:27,166 --> 00:02:28,885 Day off, Toast? 40 00:02:28,886 --> 00:02:31,805 Yes. I'm meeting Portia de Coogan. 41 00:02:31,806 --> 00:02:33,325 - The nurse? - Yeah. 42 00:02:33,326 --> 00:02:35,365 Strange career choice for the daughter of Lord Fotheringham. 43 00:02:35,366 --> 00:02:36,925 - Who's he? - He's very close to Cameron. 44 00:02:36,926 --> 00:02:40,365 Looks in line for a top job at the next cabinet reshuffle. 45 00:02:40,366 --> 00:02:42,925 He's come along way since being a producer at Radio 1 in the '70s. 46 00:02:42,926 --> 00:02:46,565 Portia's definitely my type. We have exactly the same sense of humour. 47 00:02:46,566 --> 00:02:49,805 I told her a joke last week. She found it extremely amusing! 48 00:02:49,806 --> 00:02:50,845 Did she laugh heartily? 49 00:02:50,846 --> 00:02:54,125 No. She doesn't show any external signs of enjoyment. 50 00:02:54,126 --> 00:02:57,925 But I know she finds me very funny and great company. 51 00:02:57,926 --> 00:03:01,125 She was a girl of the forest 52 00:03:01,126 --> 00:03:02,925 A virgin, they say... 53 00:03:02,926 --> 00:03:05,045 Whoa, Ed! That's really loud! 54 00:03:05,046 --> 00:03:09,046 How do you think Iain Duncan Smith is doing at Work and Pensions? 55 00:03:09,206 --> 00:03:11,925 Sorry, Toast. I shouldn't talk politics at the breakfast table. 56 00:03:11,926 --> 00:03:14,885 You know, I met Thatcher once at Lionel Blair's house. 57 00:03:14,886 --> 00:03:18,005 Surprised to see her drink Heineken from a can. 58 00:03:18,006 --> 00:03:22,006 You know, when I started courting my wife, she used to dress up as Mrs Thatcher. 59 00:03:22,326 --> 00:03:23,885 The blue twinset. 60 00:03:23,886 --> 00:03:27,886 Slowly undoing her buttons to reveal... no-nonsense M&S underwear. 61 00:03:29,366 --> 00:03:30,685 Mm. 62 00:03:30,686 --> 00:03:33,525 Yours truly relishing the role of the blimpish Denis... 63 00:03:33,526 --> 00:03:36,525 obeying her every command. 64 00:03:36,526 --> 00:03:39,085 Ever interested in anything like that, Toast? 65 00:03:39,086 --> 00:03:40,965 - Powerful women? - Mm. 66 00:03:40,966 --> 00:03:42,286 Maybe in uniform? 67 00:03:52,846 --> 00:03:54,765 - Ah. - You all right, Toast? 68 00:03:54,766 --> 00:03:58,766 Sorry, Ed. I must have drifted off there. 69 00:04:00,526 --> 00:04:03,205 Toast, I'm a little uncomfortable here. 70 00:04:03,206 --> 00:04:05,125 I don't think I should be wearing my nurse's uniform. 71 00:04:05,126 --> 00:04:06,165 - But you're a nurse. - Yes, but... 72 00:04:06,166 --> 00:04:07,725 And you've just come off the night shift. 73 00:04:07,726 --> 00:04:09,205 I should have gone home and changed. 74 00:04:09,206 --> 00:04:11,205 No. That'd have been a massive waste of time. 75 00:04:11,206 --> 00:04:13,885 Look, we'll have a couple of drinks here then maybe go and see a film. 76 00:04:13,886 --> 00:04:16,125 How about a comedy? I love to laugh. 77 00:04:16,126 --> 00:04:18,605 Toast, I've been meaning to talk to you. 78 00:04:18,606 --> 00:04:20,045 - You're talking to me now. - Yes. 79 00:04:20,046 --> 00:04:23,205 It's about the sense of humour issue. 80 00:04:23,206 --> 00:04:27,005 I have a terrific sense of humour. It's just very dry. 81 00:04:27,006 --> 00:04:30,285 Often mistaken for having no sense of humour at all, 82 00:04:30,286 --> 00:04:32,725 much like Mandelson, or Nigel Mansell. 83 00:04:32,726 --> 00:04:34,805 - Who? - Same as my father before me. 84 00:04:34,806 --> 00:04:37,965 And my aunts. You know, my family were known as the dry Toasts. 85 00:04:37,966 --> 00:04:39,165 Really? 86 00:04:39,166 --> 00:04:40,685 Ellen, my soon to be ex-wife, 87 00:04:40,686 --> 00:04:43,765 thought I literally couldn't see the funny side of anything. 88 00:04:43,766 --> 00:04:47,285 She's quite wrong. It's just very, very dry. 89 00:04:47,286 --> 00:04:49,405 I think it's about time you met my father. 90 00:04:49,406 --> 00:04:52,525 He has the most wonderful sense of humour, 91 00:04:52,526 --> 00:04:55,285 and it's very important that you laugh at his jokes. 92 00:04:55,286 --> 00:04:58,965 But you may not be able to tell what is a joke and what isn't. 93 00:04:58,966 --> 00:05:00,805 Well, maybe if you tell me what his jokes were beforehand, 94 00:05:00,806 --> 00:05:02,365 then I'll know when to laugh. 95 00:05:02,366 --> 00:05:06,085 Well, Father doesn't write actual jokes for his conversations. 96 00:05:06,086 --> 00:05:07,845 He tends to be more spontaneous. 97 00:05:07,846 --> 00:05:10,045 He just may make, for example, 98 00:05:10,046 --> 00:05:12,605 well, an off-the-cuff remark about Boris Johnson, 99 00:05:12,606 --> 00:05:14,205 - and you'll have to laugh at it. - OK. 100 00:05:14,206 --> 00:05:15,685 So, he mentions Boris Johnson 101 00:05:15,686 --> 00:05:17,005 - and I'll laugh. - No. 102 00:05:17,006 --> 00:05:19,565 But he may mention Boris Johnson not in the context of a joke. 103 00:05:19,566 --> 00:05:21,245 Well, how's that possible? 104 00:05:21,246 --> 00:05:23,285 Listen. 105 00:05:23,286 --> 00:05:25,565 I have a friend of a friend. 106 00:05:25,566 --> 00:05:26,645 Mm! 107 00:05:26,646 --> 00:05:28,005 He's a stand-up comedian 108 00:05:28,006 --> 00:05:29,645 - called Russell House. - Oh. 109 00:05:29,646 --> 00:05:32,605 In order for us to keep seeing each other, you need to be a little funnier. 110 00:05:32,606 --> 00:05:35,485 I asked Russell to e-mail me some funny lines 111 00:05:35,486 --> 00:05:39,486 and amusing quips that you could try out. 112 00:05:39,926 --> 00:05:43,245 "I'm going up to Edinburgh next month. I've been so busy. 113 00:05:43,246 --> 00:05:45,725 "But I think there's some good stuff here." 114 00:05:45,726 --> 00:05:46,845 Yeah, I could try something like that. 115 00:05:46,846 --> 00:05:49,045 Anything with a Scots reference is usually quite funny. 116 00:05:49,046 --> 00:05:51,605 No, no, that's just the first line of the e-mail to me. 117 00:05:51,606 --> 00:05:53,685 That's not a joke. 118 00:05:53,686 --> 00:05:57,686 - Did you think that was a joke? - No. 119 00:06:01,606 --> 00:06:03,125 - Toast? - Dubbing request just in. 120 00:06:03,126 --> 00:06:05,565 Bloody hell, Jane! It's my day off! 121 00:06:05,566 --> 00:06:09,566 They just need you to do some more voice-overs for the nuclear submarine. 122 00:06:10,326 --> 00:06:14,045 I thought I'd finished all that "Up periscope, down periscope" jazz. 123 00:06:14,046 --> 00:06:16,445 They just need a few additions. 124 00:06:16,446 --> 00:06:19,965 They are paying you handsomely for this, Toast. 125 00:06:19,966 --> 00:06:22,005 It's the Ministry of Defence. 126 00:06:22,006 --> 00:06:26,006 COBRA, to be precise. One doesn't say no to COBRA. 127 00:06:26,486 --> 00:06:27,685 Well, how long will I be there? 128 00:06:27,686 --> 00:06:29,325 Oh, they're complete perfectionists, the Royal Navy. 129 00:06:29,326 --> 00:06:32,445 I'd say about... three and a half hours. 130 00:06:32,446 --> 00:06:34,965 Hm. 131 00:06:34,966 --> 00:06:37,125 Oh, God. 132 00:06:37,126 --> 00:06:38,205 Yes, please. 133 00:06:38,206 --> 00:06:41,645 Bloody hell. 134 00:06:41,646 --> 00:06:44,525 Stay where you are, Portia de Coogan. I'll be right back. 135 00:06:44,526 --> 00:06:48,526 - Well, how long will you be? - Three and a half hours. 136 00:06:52,166 --> 00:06:55,245 OK, Steven, thanks for coming in at such a short notice. Really appreciate it. 137 00:06:55,246 --> 00:06:58,325 You ready to go? In your own time. 138 00:06:58,326 --> 00:06:59,725 Disem... 139 00:06:59,726 --> 00:07:01,125 bark. 140 00:07:01,126 --> 00:07:03,005 - Sorry, I'll do that again. - No, that's fine. 141 00:07:03,006 --> 00:07:05,685 - What? - That's fine. You got it in one. 142 00:07:05,686 --> 00:07:09,125 I coughed halfway through it. 143 00:07:09,126 --> 00:07:12,085 Did... didn't notice anything. I... 144 00:07:12,086 --> 00:07:14,925 That's perfect, Steven. We've got all the voice-overs. Now you're free to go. 145 00:07:14,926 --> 00:07:16,125 What, so that's it? 146 00:07:16,126 --> 00:07:18,565 But they told me I'd be here for three and a half hours. 147 00:07:18,566 --> 00:07:20,965 I broke into a romantic date for this. 148 00:07:20,966 --> 00:07:23,965 I could be in the cinema laughing my arse off! 149 00:07:23,966 --> 00:07:27,125 Well, you're free now, Steven. That's all we need. 150 00:07:27,126 --> 00:07:31,126 Yeah? Well, fuck you three! 151 00:07:33,286 --> 00:07:36,005 Steven! 152 00:07:36,006 --> 00:07:39,605 Blair, what the hell are you doing here? Is that a new hand? 153 00:07:39,606 --> 00:07:43,445 Oh, yes. Usual one's getting fixed. 154 00:07:43,446 --> 00:07:46,045 Toby told me you were doing more voice-overs for the submarine. 155 00:07:46,046 --> 00:07:48,725 Called the studio. They said you'd be here. 156 00:07:48,726 --> 00:07:51,125 What's that got to do with you? And who the hell is Toby? 157 00:07:51,126 --> 00:07:53,645 Do you mean the Vice Commander of the sub, second in charge? 158 00:07:53,646 --> 00:07:54,725 The Navy is his whole life. 159 00:07:54,726 --> 00:07:58,645 He's the complete opposite of the kind of pinko long-hairs you run with. 160 00:07:58,646 --> 00:08:01,605 He's immensely proud of this submarine. She's been completely refurbished. 161 00:08:01,606 --> 00:08:05,125 Almost everything is run by computers. 162 00:08:05,126 --> 00:08:06,445 The only thing they physically have to do 163 00:08:06,446 --> 00:08:08,645 is put out the rubbish when they dock in port. 164 00:08:08,646 --> 00:08:10,725 - So, who's the new commander? - What? 165 00:08:10,726 --> 00:08:13,205 Who's the new commander? 166 00:08:13,206 --> 00:08:16,845 I'm Commander Susan Scott-Goram. Is one of you gentlemen Steven Toast? 167 00:08:16,846 --> 00:08:20,325 I am the Steven Toast that you require. This is my brother Blair. 168 00:08:20,326 --> 00:08:21,605 Hm. 169 00:08:21,606 --> 00:08:22,725 Well, I wanted to let you know 170 00:08:22,726 --> 00:08:25,565 how much we appreciate your voice-over work on this. 171 00:08:25,566 --> 00:08:27,005 Well, it's very good of you to come. 172 00:08:27,006 --> 00:08:30,485 We're all very proud of our newly refurbished submarine, the Penetrator. 173 00:08:30,486 --> 00:08:34,486 Penetrator? Mm, that's a great name. Surprised it hasn't been taken already. 174 00:08:35,166 --> 00:08:38,605 In equity there was another actor called Steven Toast, 175 00:08:38,606 --> 00:08:40,805 so he had to change his name to Chris Bread. 176 00:08:40,806 --> 00:08:43,485 - Crisp Bread? - No, Chris Bread. 177 00:08:43,486 --> 00:08:45,805 Should have been you who changed your name. The disgrace! 178 00:08:45,806 --> 00:08:48,005 A Toast in the acting game. 179 00:08:48,006 --> 00:08:51,165 You must come to the relaunch. It's tomorrow afternoon. 180 00:08:51,166 --> 00:08:52,765 Steven is in a play here in London. 181 00:08:52,766 --> 00:08:55,725 - I'm afraid he won't be able to. - I'd love to. 182 00:08:55,726 --> 00:08:58,685 The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge will be in attendance. Do you know them? 183 00:08:58,686 --> 00:09:00,845 I'm afraid I don't know any of the minor royals. 184 00:09:00,846 --> 00:09:04,805 The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are Prince William and Kate Middleton. 185 00:09:04,806 --> 00:09:08,806 Oh, yes. By... by minor royals, I meant royals that aren't the Queen. 186 00:09:09,526 --> 00:09:13,526 Well, I hope you both can come. Good day, gentlemen. 187 00:09:15,686 --> 00:09:19,205 Can you believe someone like that is commanding a royal submarine? 188 00:09:19,206 --> 00:09:22,685 You know, a strumpet like that can just waltz in, get the top job. 189 00:09:22,686 --> 00:09:25,045 It's your lot at The Guardian. 190 00:09:25,046 --> 00:09:27,645 Political correctness gone off the bloody scale! 191 00:09:27,646 --> 00:09:29,525 She seems perfectly capable to me. 192 00:09:29,526 --> 00:09:31,645 A girl in charge of our nuclear sub? 193 00:09:31,646 --> 00:09:32,765 Might as well hand it over 194 00:09:32,766 --> 00:09:34,965 - to the Monty Python team! - Who? 195 00:09:34,966 --> 00:09:38,685 Oh, I haven't got time to sit here talking nonsense with you in this bugger house! 196 00:09:38,686 --> 00:09:42,686 I'm off! 197 00:09:52,486 --> 00:09:54,725 Mm. 198 00:09:54,726 --> 00:09:57,845 Oh, God. 199 00:09:57,846 --> 00:09:59,565 Ah. 200 00:09:59,566 --> 00:10:03,566 You'd forgotten your hat. 201 00:10:11,686 --> 00:10:13,309 Shit. 202 00:10:25,886 --> 00:10:29,886 Ah, there she is. 203 00:10:30,953 --> 00:10:31,992 Oh, God. 204 00:10:31,993 --> 00:10:33,112 Cocoa time. 205 00:10:33,113 --> 00:10:37,113 Yeah, just put it there. Ah. 206 00:10:37,248 --> 00:10:39,628 Letter came for you. I put it downstairs on the table. 207 00:10:39,685 --> 00:10:41,284 Yes, I got it. Nice royalty cheque 208 00:10:41,285 --> 00:10:43,404 from that TV miniseries I did a few years ago. 209 00:10:43,405 --> 00:10:46,004 Which? The prequel to Brideshead Revisited. 210 00:10:46,005 --> 00:10:48,324 Oh, yes. What was that called? Brideshead. 211 00:10:48,325 --> 00:10:49,844 Of course. So... 212 00:10:49,845 --> 00:10:52,644 how are you getting on with Portia? She wants me to meet her father. 213 00:10:52,645 --> 00:10:55,244 Apparently the old bugger's got some fondness for jokes 214 00:10:55,245 --> 00:10:58,364 and Portia's very keen that I'm amusing in his company. 215 00:10:58,365 --> 00:11:01,564 So, you need some jokes, do you? Not jokes as such. 216 00:11:01,565 --> 00:11:04,564 Well, maybe little things to say so people think you're fun. Such as? 217 00:11:04,565 --> 00:11:06,444 You know, simple phrases taxi drivers use. 218 00:11:06,445 --> 00:11:09,084 Like, "I believe you, thousands wouldn't." 219 00:11:09,085 --> 00:11:12,524 Um..."What can I do you for?" as opposed to "What can I do for you?" 220 00:11:12,525 --> 00:11:14,804 No. "Don't give up the day job." That's useful when... 221 00:11:14,805 --> 00:11:17,524 No, Ed. They're not jokes as such. 222 00:11:17,525 --> 00:11:18,964 They're just little things to say. 223 00:11:18,965 --> 00:11:21,364 Yes, probably fine in the hands of taxi drivers 224 00:11:21,365 --> 00:11:22,724 or cockneys or even Geordies. 225 00:11:22,725 --> 00:11:24,804 If I said anything like that, people'd think 226 00:11:24,805 --> 00:11:25,844 I was fucking crackers. 227 00:11:25,845 --> 00:11:27,804 Or maybe when somebody says to you, 228 00:11:27,805 --> 00:11:29,964 "Didn't I see you on telly last night?", 229 00:11:29,965 --> 00:11:33,965 you say, "I hope it wasn't Crimewatch." 230 00:11:34,405 --> 00:11:35,444 I don't get it. 231 00:11:35,445 --> 00:11:37,844 When someone says, "Didn't I see you on telly last night?" 232 00:11:37,845 --> 00:11:40,084 And then you say, "I hope it wasn't Crimewatch UK", and they say... 233 00:11:40,085 --> 00:11:43,004 No, just Crimewatch. The "UK" ruins it cos the rhythm... 234 00:11:43,005 --> 00:11:47,005 Yeah, don't waste your time, Ed. It's not going to work. 235 00:11:49,925 --> 00:11:53,925 Sleep well, Toast. 236 00:12:09,125 --> 00:12:12,524 Help me step out of my life 237 00:12:12,525 --> 00:12:16,525 Leave behind my troubles, fear and strife 238 00:12:17,565 --> 00:12:21,565 Would you take me far away with you 239 00:12:22,245 --> 00:12:26,245 In your uniform so smart and new? 240 00:12:41,765 --> 00:12:45,765 We could sail the seven seas 241 00:12:46,165 --> 00:12:50,165 Hand in hand, we could march victoriously 242 00:12:50,645 --> 00:12:54,645 I would always feel so safe with you 243 00:12:55,245 --> 00:12:59,245 In your uniform so smart and new... 244 00:13:16,885 --> 00:13:19,484 Have you actually seen the royal couple? 245 00:13:19,485 --> 00:13:20,524 William and Kate? Mm. 246 00:13:20,525 --> 00:13:21,924 Yes, I was just chatting to them. 247 00:13:21,925 --> 00:13:24,924 It transpires that none of us has ever had to change a duvet cover. 248 00:13:24,925 --> 00:13:26,484 Ah! Ha! Ha-ha-ha! 249 00:13:26,485 --> 00:13:28,724 Well, of course, Toby is related to the happy couple. 250 00:13:28,725 --> 00:13:31,764 On the, er... right side, I should add. Ha-ha-ha-ha! 251 00:13:31,765 --> 00:13:33,964 My father is the Queen's fifth cousin. Wonderful. 252 00:13:33,965 --> 00:13:35,884 Drink, Toby? 253 00:13:35,885 --> 00:13:39,644 I'm sorry to be frightfully boring, but, er... still on duty. Better not. 254 00:13:39,645 --> 00:13:41,404 Yeah, yeah, course, course. 255 00:13:41,405 --> 00:13:43,604 Anyone seen the Commander around? 256 00:13:43,605 --> 00:13:46,044 Actually, I haven't seen her today, no. 257 00:13:46,045 --> 00:13:49,284 Excuse me a moment. I have some things to take care of. 258 00:13:49,285 --> 00:13:51,084 Yes, yes, of course. Ha-ha! 259 00:13:51,085 --> 00:13:54,564 Why the hell did you mention that bloody woman? Must be killing him 260 00:13:54,565 --> 00:13:58,565 that a tart like her should be in charge of this magnificent vessel. 261 00:13:58,645 --> 00:14:00,884 Of course, if he was an Afro-Caribbean lesbian 262 00:14:00,885 --> 00:14:02,444 running the Notting Hill Carnival, 263 00:14:02,445 --> 00:14:04,684 he'd be in charge of the entire bloody Navy by now. 264 00:14:04,685 --> 00:14:07,084 Do you know, I've never been on a submarine before? 265 00:14:07,085 --> 00:14:10,404 I might go for a bit of a wander. Might bump into the Commander. 266 00:14:10,405 --> 00:14:14,405 Don't stray into any unauthorised areas. 267 00:14:20,685 --> 00:14:24,685 Hm! 268 00:14:31,765 --> 00:14:33,764 Ooh. Toast! 269 00:14:33,765 --> 00:14:35,484 I'm surprised to see you here. 270 00:14:35,485 --> 00:14:37,444 I did the voice-over for the submarine. 271 00:14:37,445 --> 00:14:40,724 Oh, yes. Well, this is my father, Lord Fotheringham. 272 00:14:40,725 --> 00:14:43,965 Father, this is Steven Toast. 273 00:14:46,445 --> 00:14:48,005 Sorry? 274 00:14:49,765 --> 00:14:52,604 What's that? It's just a low grumble. Ah. 275 00:14:52,605 --> 00:14:53,924 Er... it's nice to meet you. 276 00:14:53,925 --> 00:14:57,364 Er... Portia tells me you have a terrific sense of humour. 277 00:14:57,365 --> 00:14:58,724 Much like myself. 278 00:14:58,725 --> 00:15:01,405 What are you doing in an unauthorised area? 279 00:15:04,325 --> 00:15:07,564 Hm. Well, I might ask you... 280 00:15:07,565 --> 00:15:09,764 the same question. 281 00:15:09,765 --> 00:15:11,604 I'm the Minister of Defence. 282 00:15:11,605 --> 00:15:15,605 Really? There was a reshuffle this morning. 283 00:15:15,725 --> 00:15:18,245 Is Duncan Smith still at Work and Pensions? 284 00:15:22,365 --> 00:15:24,965 How about Boris Johnson for the top job? 285 00:15:27,725 --> 00:15:29,124 I said Boris Johnson. 286 00:15:29,125 --> 00:15:32,004 I have to leave now. 287 00:15:32,005 --> 00:15:35,244 Yes. Father is giving a speech. Are you coming? 288 00:15:35,245 --> 00:15:37,324 Is that the Commander's hat? 289 00:15:37,325 --> 00:15:40,245 Er... yes, she must have dropped it. She's around here somewhere. 290 00:15:44,085 --> 00:15:48,085 What the hell are you up to, Toast? 291 00:15:51,485 --> 00:15:53,364 Steven? 292 00:15:53,365 --> 00:15:57,164 Oh! You haven't seen the Commander, have you? 293 00:15:57,165 --> 00:15:58,924 I wonder, could I have a quick word? 294 00:15:58,925 --> 00:16:00,884 Something I want to talk to you about. 295 00:16:00,885 --> 00:16:04,885 Won't take a second. This way. 296 00:16:05,977 --> 00:16:09,977 Care for a brandy? A brandy? Er... yes, please. 297 00:16:10,036 --> 00:16:11,675 You're not having one yourself? 298 00:16:11,676 --> 00:16:13,715 Still on duty. Oh, of course. 299 00:16:13,716 --> 00:16:16,075 Bottoms up! So... 300 00:16:16,076 --> 00:16:19,075 Blair tells me you're in show business. Well, yes, I'm an actor. 301 00:16:19,076 --> 00:16:20,475 The Navy must seem very stuffy 302 00:16:20,476 --> 00:16:23,075 for someone who's used to hanging around with people like... 303 00:16:23,076 --> 00:16:26,235 Benedict Cumberbatch. Who? Listen. 304 00:16:26,236 --> 00:16:29,355 There aren't too many people in the Navy I could discuss this with, 305 00:16:29,356 --> 00:16:33,356 but someone in your field may be a tad more... understanding. 306 00:16:33,796 --> 00:16:35,555 Fire away. Well... 307 00:16:35,556 --> 00:16:37,835 one night about a month ago, 308 00:16:37,836 --> 00:16:41,475 I was driving from Portsmouth to Cowes along a back road, 309 00:16:41,476 --> 00:16:43,235 when I saw a strange light in the sky... 310 00:16:43,236 --> 00:16:44,755 Right. 311 00:16:44,756 --> 00:16:48,756 And I began to realise that it was some sort of craft. 312 00:16:49,716 --> 00:16:52,195 And then a door in the side of the craft suddenly opened 313 00:16:52,196 --> 00:16:56,196 and strange alien-like creatures began to emerge. 314 00:16:57,636 --> 00:16:59,475 Well, at that point I suddenly passed out, 315 00:16:59,476 --> 00:17:00,915 and the next thing I remember 316 00:17:00,916 --> 00:17:03,115 was waking up with the distinct impression 317 00:17:03,116 --> 00:17:05,115 that the aliens had inserted an anal probe... 318 00:17:05,116 --> 00:17:07,475 Oh! 319 00:17:07,476 --> 00:17:09,355 I was also left with the conviction 320 00:17:09,356 --> 00:17:11,835 that they expected me to carry out some sort of task. 321 00:17:11,836 --> 00:17:14,315 They wanted me to launch a nuclear attack 322 00:17:14,316 --> 00:17:16,676 against the United States of America. 323 00:17:19,676 --> 00:17:21,555 Could I have another brandy? 324 00:17:21,556 --> 00:17:23,555 Do. 325 00:17:23,556 --> 00:17:26,035 Forgive me for talking about this, Toast. 326 00:17:26,036 --> 00:17:27,875 I've only told you because you're an actor. 327 00:17:27,876 --> 00:17:30,435 Imagine trying to explain this to the Minister of Defence. 328 00:17:30,436 --> 00:17:32,155 Especially the new one. 329 00:17:32,156 --> 00:17:33,955 Fotheringham? Yes. 330 00:17:33,956 --> 00:17:36,195 Although I don't think he'll be around for too long. 331 00:17:36,196 --> 00:17:39,195 Very strong rumours that he'll be arrested for misdemeanours... 332 00:17:39,196 --> 00:17:40,515 at the BBC. 333 00:17:40,516 --> 00:17:42,835 Really? The aliens chose me 334 00:17:42,836 --> 00:17:45,555 because I have access to nuclear weapons on this submarine. 335 00:17:45,556 --> 00:17:47,475 So you plan to go through with this attack? 336 00:17:47,476 --> 00:17:49,715 Oh, yes. 337 00:17:49,716 --> 00:17:52,635 The Commander has the special codes needed to launch an attack, 338 00:17:52,636 --> 00:17:54,075 so I've tied her up in the hold. 339 00:17:54,076 --> 00:17:57,435 All I need to do is persuade her to hand them over. 340 00:17:57,436 --> 00:17:58,955 Maybe you could help me with that. 341 00:17:58,956 --> 00:18:00,675 Look, if I'm honest, I think you are... 342 00:18:00,676 --> 00:18:03,235 Hm. 343 00:18:03,236 --> 00:18:06,995 You will help, won't you, Steven? 344 00:18:06,996 --> 00:18:08,475 Yes! 345 00:18:08,476 --> 00:18:10,835 Mmf, mmf, mmf! 346 00:18:10,836 --> 00:18:13,195 Mmf! Mmf! 347 00:18:13,196 --> 00:18:16,715 All right, Commander, I'm sorry to have to break rank like this, 348 00:18:16,716 --> 00:18:18,435 but I need to have those codes. 349 00:18:18,436 --> 00:18:22,436 Sorry, just before you do that, could I just... 350 00:18:23,476 --> 00:18:26,675 Ah! Are you in on this too? 351 00:18:26,676 --> 00:18:30,676 We're all in on this - me, Vice Commander Hopkinson-Finch, 352 00:18:30,996 --> 00:18:33,755 and the aliens from the planet A-ah-ah-ah-ah! 353 00:18:33,756 --> 00:18:35,555 Have they been in contact with you as well? 354 00:18:35,556 --> 00:18:37,155 What? 355 00:18:37,156 --> 00:18:40,155 Look, just give him the codes. I've got to be at the theatre at 7:30. 356 00:18:40,156 --> 00:18:42,715 I need a direct order from the Prime Minister! 357 00:18:42,716 --> 00:18:44,755 Oh, the aliens have been in touch with him. 358 00:18:44,756 --> 00:18:48,115 I'm expecting a phone call any minute. Just give me the codes. 359 00:18:48,116 --> 00:18:51,955 Look, you give me the codes and I'll write them down. 360 00:18:51,956 --> 00:18:53,635 Oh. 361 00:18:53,636 --> 00:18:55,155 OK, er... 362 00:18:55,156 --> 00:18:57,435 Six. 14. 363 00:18:57,436 --> 00:19:00,875 Um... Ooh! I don't have a pen. 364 00:19:00,876 --> 00:19:02,716 No, um... 365 00:19:06,996 --> 00:19:10,475 Help! 366 00:19:10,476 --> 00:19:11,795 Help! 367 00:19:11,796 --> 00:19:13,315 Ladies and gentlemen, 368 00:19:13,316 --> 00:19:17,316 welcome to the official relaunch of the Penetrator. 369 00:19:18,276 --> 00:19:22,276 It gives me great pleasure on my very first day as Defence Minister 370 00:19:24,996 --> 00:19:28,996 to launch this magnificently refurbished vessel. 371 00:19:32,116 --> 00:19:34,795 Help! 372 00:19:34,796 --> 00:19:38,196 I don't suppose you fancy going for a drink some time, do you? 373 00:19:39,636 --> 00:19:40,796 Uh! 374 00:19:42,796 --> 00:19:45,115 Up periscope. 375 00:19:45,116 --> 00:19:47,235 Down periscope. 376 00:19:47,236 --> 00:19:49,076 Launch the nuclear weapons. 377 00:19:50,236 --> 00:19:52,235 Abandon the vessel. Sorry. 378 00:19:52,236 --> 00:19:53,955 Help! 379 00:19:53,956 --> 00:19:56,955 The rubbish has been unloaded. 380 00:19:56,956 --> 00:19:59,675 Afternoon tea is being served. 381 00:19:59,676 --> 00:20:03,036 Please keep your belongings with you at all times. 382 00:20:04,036 --> 00:20:07,115 Remember to wash your hands after handling the torpedoes. 383 00:20:07,116 --> 00:20:08,755 Disem... 384 00:20:08,756 --> 00:20:12,355 bark. 385 00:20:12,356 --> 00:20:15,715 OK. 386 00:20:15,716 --> 00:20:19,715 I assured the Prime Minister that I would not be "all at sea". 387 00:20:19,716 --> 00:20:23,716 Ha! 388 00:20:27,596 --> 00:20:30,155 But I've come an awfully long way 389 00:20:30,156 --> 00:20:34,156 since those pioneering days at BBC Radio 1. 390 00:20:35,356 --> 00:20:37,076 At that time, I was... 391 00:20:38,356 --> 00:20:41,035 mainly concerned with airwaves, 392 00:20:41,036 --> 00:20:44,195 not the kind of waves that we're surrounded by today. 393 00:20:44,196 --> 00:20:47,356 Ha! 394 00:20:51,916 --> 00:20:53,235 Yes. 395 00:20:53,236 --> 00:20:55,275 40 years ago. 396 00:20:55,276 --> 00:20:57,755 How society has changed. 397 00:20:57,756 --> 00:21:00,315 But one thing remains unchanged - 398 00:21:00,316 --> 00:21:04,235 the commitment of the Government to the men and women of the Royal Navy, 399 00:21:04,236 --> 00:21:06,395 who do such a valuable job 400 00:21:06,396 --> 00:21:10,396 as Britain faces the challenges of an uncertain and dangerous world. 401 00:21:13,316 --> 00:21:15,435 Lord Fotheringham? Yes? 402 00:21:15,436 --> 00:21:17,315 We need you to come to the station with us. 403 00:21:17,316 --> 00:21:20,835 There have been some complaints from female staff at the BBC 404 00:21:20,836 --> 00:21:22,795 dating back to the 1970s. 405 00:21:22,796 --> 00:21:24,915 The 1970s? 406 00:21:24,916 --> 00:21:26,915 That's ages ago. 407 00:21:26,916 --> 00:21:29,235 What are you standing around for? 408 00:21:29,236 --> 00:21:31,315 There's a crazed alien nut job in there, 409 00:21:31,316 --> 00:21:33,035 waving a piece at the Commander! 410 00:21:33,036 --> 00:21:36,075 Officers! I've managed to overpower the Vice Commander 411 00:21:36,076 --> 00:21:37,835 and he's under lock and key in the hold. 412 00:21:37,836 --> 00:21:40,955 Sorry? What's this about? The Vice Commander. 413 00:21:40,956 --> 00:21:44,075 He was threatening to take over the vessel and launch a nuclear strike. 414 00:21:44,076 --> 00:21:46,835 Don't know anything about that, I'm afraid. 415 00:21:46,836 --> 00:21:50,795 Oi! 416 00:21:50,796 --> 00:21:54,475 You don't have to chase him too, Toast! 417 00:21:54,476 --> 00:21:58,476 I'm not chasing him! I have to be at the theatre at 7:30. 418 00:22:04,636 --> 00:22:07,795 Good God, Toast! Your brother... 419 00:22:07,796 --> 00:22:11,075 Hm? ..wants to meet me for a drink. 420 00:22:11,076 --> 00:22:13,915 You know, he really was quite impressive back there. 421 00:22:13,916 --> 00:22:17,155 Well, perhaps he's considering a career in the services, 422 00:22:17,156 --> 00:22:19,435 even if it is only the Navy. 423 00:22:19,436 --> 00:22:21,475 Well, his acting, 424 00:22:21,476 --> 00:22:24,595 when he pretended to play along with the Vice Commander's wishes, 425 00:22:24,596 --> 00:22:26,755 was highly effective. 426 00:22:26,756 --> 00:22:29,155 He's clearly a very capable performer. 427 00:22:29,156 --> 00:22:30,995 As long as he stays away from comedy. 428 00:22:30,996 --> 00:22:32,915 He has absolutely no sense of humour. 429 00:22:32,916 --> 00:22:34,715 Well, funny you should say that. 430 00:22:34,716 --> 00:22:37,195 Did you know our family were known as the dry Toasts? 431 00:22:37,196 --> 00:22:38,515 Yes, I do know that. Right. 432 00:22:38,516 --> 00:22:42,516 Well, I suppose the service's loss is the theatre's gain. 433 00:22:42,956 --> 00:22:46,355 Get off! Disgrace! Disgrace! Disgrace! 434 00:22:46,356 --> 00:22:50,356 Disgrace! Disgrace! Disgrace! Disgrace! Disgrace! 435 00:22:50,596 --> 00:22:54,105 You should be ashamed of yourself! 436 00:22:54,194 --> 00:23:02,194 Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru. 437 00:23:02,244 --> 00:23:06,794 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 34765

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