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1
00:00:05,675 --> 00:00:07,515
OK. So just sing it normally
2
00:00:07,524 --> 00:00:10,163
and then do the voiceover
mentioning the product at the end.
3
00:00:10,164 --> 00:00:14,243
All right. Hi, Steven? This is
Clem Fandango. Can you hear me?
4
00:00:14,244 --> 00:00:17,603
Who the fuck are you? Clem's with us
for a few weeks on work experience.
5
00:00:17,604 --> 00:00:20,483
Can you hear me, Steven?
Yeah, I can hear you, Clem Fandango.
6
00:00:20,484 --> 00:00:21,523
Sing it normally,
7
00:00:21,524 --> 00:00:23,683
then do the voiceover
mentioning the product.
8
00:00:23,684 --> 00:00:26,123
He's just fucking said that! Yeah.
9
00:00:26,124 --> 00:00:27,844
OK, I'm going
to start the backing track.
10
00:00:32,244 --> 00:00:34,244
I've...
11
00:00:37,284 --> 00:00:39,163
..got...
12
00:00:39,164 --> 00:00:42,163
..rhythm!
13
00:00:42,164 --> 00:00:45,323
OK, I think you might have lost
the backing track there.
14
00:00:45,324 --> 00:00:47,844
No, I don't think I did.
We'll go again.
15
00:00:49,644 --> 00:00:51,083
I've-a...
16
00:00:51,084 --> 00:00:53,043
I...
17
00:00:53,044 --> 00:00:57,884
I...
OK, I thought...
I...
We'll go again. Just one more.
18
00:01:00,364 --> 00:01:02,364
Can you turn it up in the cans,
please? Yeah.
19
00:01:07,244 --> 00:01:09,404
I'VE!
20
00:01:12,484 --> 00:01:13,563
..got...
21
00:01:13,564 --> 00:01:15,164
..RHYTHM!
22
00:01:16,524 --> 00:01:17,764
I think that's probably it.
23
00:01:20,123 --> 00:01:43,848
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
24
00:01:48,244 --> 00:01:50,723
Ah, your play's got a mention
in the paper.
25
00:01:50,724 --> 00:01:54,163
There's a photo of you, as well. And
some protesters outside the theatre.
26
00:01:54,164 --> 00:01:55,403
It's not a review, is it?
27
00:01:55,404 --> 00:01:59,123
It says, "Stereotypical,
offensive caricatures predominate
28
00:01:59,124 --> 00:02:01,563
"in this cack-handed,
abysmal travesty.
29
00:02:01,564 --> 00:02:05,203
"One has to try very hard to recall
a worse play on the London stage."
30
00:02:05,204 --> 00:02:07,283
Actually, Ed, please don't continue.
31
00:02:07,284 --> 00:02:09,163
I don't think my guts
could confront it.
32
00:02:09,164 --> 00:02:11,003
Oh, I've had much worse reviews
than this.
33
00:02:11,004 --> 00:02:14,343
At least you're through the opening
night. They can be nerve-racking.
34
00:02:14,423 --> 00:02:15,622
I once tried to kill myself
35
00:02:15,623 --> 00:02:18,662
before the opening of a very poor
production of Coriolanus.
36
00:02:18,663 --> 00:02:20,422
Took a massive cocktail
of painkillers.
37
00:02:20,423 --> 00:02:22,222
But the adrenaline
just neutralised them.
38
00:02:22,223 --> 00:02:25,102
If you had killed yourself, your
career would have been different.
39
00:02:25,103 --> 00:02:27,702
How so? You wouldn't receive
your royalty cheques
40
00:02:27,703 --> 00:02:31,182
from those old dramas
they play on ITV3. Ah, yeah.
41
00:02:31,183 --> 00:02:35,902
And you'd be dead. I've got to
get off. I'm rehearsing a new play.
42
00:02:35,903 --> 00:02:40,822
One job not enough for you, eh? Good
luck. Quick cooking tip for you, Ed.
43
00:02:40,823 --> 00:02:45,302
Mm-hm? When following a recipe,
put twice the ingredients specified.
44
00:02:45,303 --> 00:02:49,182
If it says two carrots, put in four.
One onion, put in two.
45
00:02:49,183 --> 00:02:52,502
Half a pound of mushrooms,
put in the full pound.
46
00:02:52,503 --> 00:02:54,903
Wouldn't you then just get
a very big meal?
47
00:03:06,423 --> 00:03:09,702
Sorry I'm late.
Having a shitbag of a day.
48
00:03:09,703 --> 00:03:13,182
Ray! Oh, you're joking.
49
00:03:13,183 --> 00:03:15,022
Ray Purchase.
50
00:03:15,023 --> 00:03:19,942
Well, well, well. Look who it is.
51
00:03:19,943 --> 00:03:23,902
Steven "Hide your missus
cos I'll fuck anything" Toast.
52
00:03:23,903 --> 00:03:28,182
Get over it, Purchase.
You two should leave any conflict
53
00:03:28,183 --> 00:03:29,583
outside the door.
54
00:03:30,983 --> 00:03:33,502
Now join the circle.
55
00:03:33,503 --> 00:03:35,982
Let's begin by telling each other
who we are,
56
00:03:35,983 --> 00:03:40,222
the name of our character
and something interesting about us.
57
00:03:40,223 --> 00:03:44,302
Kika? My name is Kika Bright.
I'll be playing the part of Stella.
58
00:03:44,303 --> 00:03:47,622
And, er, last year I performed
Shakespeare in Central Park
59
00:03:47,623 --> 00:03:48,943
with Scarlett Johansson.
60
00:03:50,103 --> 00:03:53,862
Very, very swish. Ray?
61
00:03:53,863 --> 00:03:58,622
My name is Ray Purchase, and I'll be
playing the part of the magistrate.
62
00:03:58,623 --> 00:04:00,503
Something interesting about you?
63
00:04:01,943 --> 00:04:05,062
Well, Toast regularly fucks my wife.
64
00:04:05,063 --> 00:04:08,183
God! Can we not mention that again?
65
00:04:09,423 --> 00:04:13,582
Anyway, I'm Acker Herron,
your director.
66
00:04:13,583 --> 00:04:15,862
I've just returned from North Africa,
67
00:04:15,863 --> 00:04:19,382
where I directed a local-cast
production of Hamlet.
68
00:04:19,383 --> 00:04:21,383
Now, that IS swish!
69
00:04:24,143 --> 00:04:26,263
Were the sets made of sand?
70
00:04:28,983 --> 00:04:31,942
Such a pro. Your turn.
71
00:04:31,943 --> 00:04:33,782
Steven Toast, and I'm playing Jeff.
72
00:04:33,783 --> 00:04:35,863
Something interesting
about yourself, Steven.
73
00:04:38,463 --> 00:04:41,263
Oh, yeah. I can roll my eyes
into the back of my head.
74
00:04:44,823 --> 00:04:47,903
Useful for drama AND comedy,
I should think.
75
00:04:49,023 --> 00:04:53,742
Now, before we open the text,
I'd like us to loosen up and focus
76
00:04:53,743 --> 00:04:56,142
using something called the shaka,
77
00:04:56,143 --> 00:04:58,742
which is a warm-up
I learnt in Africa.
78
00:04:58,743 --> 00:04:59,943
Great.
79
00:05:03,423 --> 00:05:07,502
Ooga, shaka
Ooga, ooga, ooga, shaka
80
00:05:07,503 --> 00:05:12,302
Ooga, ooga, ooga, shaka
Ooga, ooga, ooga, shaka
81
00:05:12,303 --> 00:05:16,582
Ooga, ooga, ooga, shaka
Ooga, ooga, ooga, shaka...
82
00:05:16,583 --> 00:05:19,503
I'm sorry, you've got to be
fucking kidding. OK?!
83
00:05:20,623 --> 00:05:23,702
IF YOU WANT TO SHIT ON ME,
I'LL SHIT ON YOU!
84
00:05:23,703 --> 00:05:26,783
BUT YOU'D BETTER BE WEARING
A FUCKING HELMET!
85
00:05:32,423 --> 00:05:38,103
It was like the Special Olympics, but
the Special Olympics For Arseholes!
86
00:05:39,943 --> 00:05:43,582
Yes. All right, bye. Bye.
Bye. Bye. Bye.
87
00:05:43,583 --> 00:05:46,662
And as I was saying, the last person
I wanted to see there
88
00:05:46,663 --> 00:05:49,942
was Ray Purchase. And that
director's fucking crackers.
89
00:05:49,943 --> 00:05:54,302
Acker is very highly strung,
but he inspires fierce loyalty.
90
00:05:54,303 --> 00:05:57,902
Even when he killed an actor,
the cast remained devoted to him.
91
00:05:57,903 --> 00:06:00,662
I'm not saying he lacks charisma.
He's passionate.
92
00:06:00,663 --> 00:06:02,622
Sorry, did you say
he killed an actor?
93
00:06:02,623 --> 00:06:06,622
Yes! On some Pinter play about
ten years ago, he killed an actor.
94
00:06:06,623 --> 00:06:09,822
Christ! And even Pinter
wouldn't do that.
95
00:06:09,823 --> 00:06:12,582
The actor - er, I can't remember
his name - wasn't much cop,
96
00:06:12,583 --> 00:06:13,902
from what I can remember.
97
00:06:13,903 --> 00:06:17,662
Anyway, he wouldn't do what Acker
wanted, so Acker stabbed him.
98
00:06:17,663 --> 00:06:21,142
The actor died, but Acker got away
with manslaughter.
99
00:06:21,143 --> 00:06:25,262
Good grief! The judge had seen
his Trojan Women at the National
100
00:06:25,263 --> 00:06:27,622
and was a huge fan, so he got off.
You know what?
101
00:06:27,623 --> 00:06:30,582
I'm not sure I should be working
with a director that murders actors.
102
00:06:30,583 --> 00:06:33,422
Well, it might undo the damage
of you being in that play.
103
00:06:33,423 --> 00:06:37,022
Everyone hates that play. It feels
worse than being a paedophile.
104
00:06:37,023 --> 00:06:41,382
Really, Toast! What a thing to say.
In the current climate!
105
00:06:41,383 --> 00:06:42,982
You put me in the bloody play, Jane.
106
00:06:42,983 --> 00:06:45,542
I didn't want to do it.
107
00:06:45,543 --> 00:06:49,263
Jane Plough. Spelt P-L-O-U-G-H,
pronounced "pluff".
108
00:06:51,023 --> 00:06:56,822
He's very much a family man. Who?
But the '70s was ages ago.
109
00:06:56,823 --> 00:06:59,102
He probably doesn't remember... Who?
110
00:06:59,103 --> 00:07:00,182
Just one moment, please.
111
00:07:00,183 --> 00:07:02,542
Scotland Yard are investigating
another client.
112
00:07:02,543 --> 00:07:03,823
Could you just slink off?
113
00:07:05,983 --> 00:07:09,822
Ah, hello. Yes, I saw your advert
on the computer,
114
00:07:09,823 --> 00:07:11,743
and I'd quite like, er...
115
00:07:13,303 --> 00:07:16,223
..a blonde. Yes, yes,
blonde is my favourite colour!
116
00:07:17,543 --> 00:07:22,183
So we could meet tomorrow at 4pm at
the Baybury hotel, South Kensington?
117
00:07:23,303 --> 00:07:25,542
I'm a travelling salesman.
118
00:07:25,543 --> 00:07:27,543
Look, how much will it cost?
119
00:07:29,063 --> 00:07:30,543
No, I'm not VAT registered.
120
00:07:31,943 --> 00:07:37,942
OK, my name is Royce Coolidge.
And her name is Lorry?
121
00:07:37,943 --> 00:07:40,062
What, L-O-R-R-Y?
122
00:07:40,063 --> 00:07:42,982
No, L-O-R-I.
123
00:07:42,983 --> 00:07:44,422
I see.
124
00:07:44,423 --> 00:07:45,983
No, I don't have a loyalty card.
125
00:07:47,143 --> 00:07:48,183
Thanking you.
126
00:07:49,943 --> 00:07:51,102
Ooh!
127
00:07:51,103 --> 00:07:54,062
?400.
128
00:07:54,063 --> 00:07:55,383
Mm!
129
00:07:56,703 --> 00:08:00,422
Pretty good! Steven?
130
00:08:00,423 --> 00:08:04,022
Greta! I didn't recognise you
with that... I fell out of a tree.
131
00:08:04,023 --> 00:08:06,823
You're gorgeous. I mean,
you look gorgeous. How's Ellen? Who?
132
00:08:08,023 --> 00:08:12,742
Your wife...? My soon-to-be ex-wife,
actually. I'm a gay divorcee!
133
00:08:12,743 --> 00:08:16,542
I'm not gay. Are you still acting?
Nah, not as much. Oh, that's a shame.
134
00:08:16,543 --> 00:08:20,262
You were quite good. How's fuckface?
What's his name? Gary.
135
00:08:20,263 --> 00:08:21,942
Hm. Yeah, we're divorced too.
136
00:08:21,943 --> 00:08:25,702
I'm going to my club for a cocktail.
Do you fancy joining me?
137
00:08:25,703 --> 00:08:27,703
Er... Oh, come on.
138
00:08:29,143 --> 00:08:30,663
Yeah, all right. Yes!
139
00:08:33,383 --> 00:08:37,022
So you're a TV producer now.
What are you working on these days?
140
00:08:37,023 --> 00:08:40,382
A documentary. Six-part thing.
It's called London Lives.
141
00:08:40,383 --> 00:08:42,663
It's kind of about the dark
underbelly of the capital.
142
00:08:43,943 --> 00:08:47,942
Sounds good. Yeah,
but it's just a job, you know?
143
00:08:47,943 --> 00:08:50,062
I prefer getting my kicks
in other ways.
144
00:08:50,063 --> 00:08:51,942
I remember!
145
00:08:51,943 --> 00:08:56,382
I like trying new things.
I'm an excitement junkie.
146
00:08:56,383 --> 00:09:00,702
Me too. Shall we meet up again
next week? Yeah!
147
00:09:00,703 --> 00:09:02,303
Why don't I just give you my card?
148
00:09:04,023 --> 00:09:06,902
Shall we say Friday,
provisionally? Yes!
149
00:09:06,903 --> 00:09:09,623
So why don't you ring me,
and we'll hook up? Yes!
150
00:09:12,223 --> 00:09:15,422
I think Steven should be the shaka.
151
00:09:15,423 --> 00:09:16,823
Oh, fuck...
152
00:09:20,463 --> 00:09:23,462
Ooga, shaka
Ooga, ooga, ooga, shaka
153
00:09:23,463 --> 00:09:27,742
Ooga, ooga, ooga, shaka
Ooga, ooga, ooga, shaka
154
00:09:27,743 --> 00:09:30,542
Ooga, ooga, ooga, shaka
Ooga, ooga, ooga, shaka...
155
00:09:30,543 --> 00:09:32,023
Excuse me, please.
156
00:09:35,223 --> 00:09:37,702
What the hell's up with him?
157
00:09:37,703 --> 00:09:39,303
You know he murdered an actor?
158
00:09:40,703 --> 00:09:43,542
What? I'd keep your stupid mouth
shut about that, Toast.
159
00:09:43,543 --> 00:09:46,222
But he was murdered!
It was manslaughter.
160
00:09:46,223 --> 00:09:48,782
A second-rate actor gets killed
by the director. No big deal.
161
00:09:48,783 --> 00:09:49,862
Happens every day.
162
00:09:49,863 --> 00:09:53,782
Does it? I really wouldn't mention
it again, Toast. Steven... Ohhh!
163
00:09:53,783 --> 00:09:56,302
Quick word.
164
00:09:56,303 --> 00:09:57,943
You're fucked.
165
00:09:59,423 --> 00:10:02,182
You're trying to undermine me. Why?
166
00:10:02,183 --> 00:10:05,702
What? I expect total loyalty
from my actors at all times.
167
00:10:05,703 --> 00:10:08,662
I feel, for any project to work,
I need to have them
168
00:10:08,663 --> 00:10:12,062
just where I want them, by the balls.
169
00:10:12,063 --> 00:10:14,582
By the balls, eh? Quick question.
170
00:10:14,583 --> 00:10:16,982
Have you ever had anybody
by the balls?
171
00:10:16,983 --> 00:10:18,142
Literally? Yes!
172
00:10:18,143 --> 00:10:21,542
I mean literally,
to feel another man's cojones
173
00:10:21,543 --> 00:10:25,982
lying in the palm of one's hand.
Ever had that experience, Steven?
174
00:10:25,983 --> 00:10:31,302
I can't say I have. You? Yes!
I have. With Benedict Cumberbatch.
175
00:10:31,303 --> 00:10:35,342
Who? I felt them literally
rolling around,
176
00:10:35,343 --> 00:10:38,542
both of us staring
into each other's eyes.
177
00:10:38,543 --> 00:10:40,582
It seemed like an eternity,
178
00:10:40,583 --> 00:10:42,503
but it was less than half an hour.
179
00:10:43,903 --> 00:10:46,542
He cracked in the end.
180
00:10:46,543 --> 00:10:48,982
We did it my way.
181
00:10:48,983 --> 00:10:53,502
I'm not joking, Steven! This isn't
Michael McIntyre's Comedy Roadshow.
182
00:10:53,503 --> 00:10:59,263
And when I say "literally", I do
of course literally mean literally.
183
00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:29,240
Check this one out, mate!
Over here!
184
00:11:30,188 --> 00:11:32,408
Jesus Christ!
We need to talk to you, Toast!
185
00:11:32,487 --> 00:11:35,966
You're in serious danger of jeopardising
this production because you hate Acker.
186
00:11:35,967 --> 00:11:38,046
Do you hate Acker?
I hardly know the man.
187
00:11:38,047 --> 00:11:42,126
He believes you're not showing him
the requisite loyalty. He needs a lawyer.
188
00:11:42,127 --> 00:11:44,526
I have to ask you something else
confidentially. What?
189
00:11:44,596 --> 00:11:47,235
You know about the other murder.
What other murder?
190
00:11:47,236 --> 00:11:49,915
Don't ask him about the other
murder. But I thought you...
191
00:11:49,916 --> 00:11:54,675
I wasn't going to ask him about the
murder. I was going to ask him about the extra rehearsal on Saturday.
192
00:11:54,676 --> 00:11:57,515
You don't know about that, do you?
What, the extra rehearsal?
193
00:11:57,516 --> 00:12:00,755
No, the other murder.
Stop mentioning that, Ray!
194
00:12:00,756 --> 00:12:02,875
Anyway, you don't
know about it, do you?
195
00:12:02,876 --> 00:12:05,715
What? The thing that Ray mentioned
but shouldn't have mentioned.
196
00:12:05,716 --> 00:12:09,035
I don't know anything. This is
fucking ridiculous. That's good.
197
00:12:09,036 --> 00:12:13,755
Don't tell anyone about it. Look,
if someone is a bit... Sorry, mate!
198
00:12:13,756 --> 00:12:15,316
Can we have our Frisbee back?
199
00:12:17,356 --> 00:12:19,436
What the...? D'you want to join in?
200
00:12:23,036 --> 00:12:24,396
Oh, good catch.
201
00:12:27,436 --> 00:12:28,635
Argh!
202
00:12:28,636 --> 00:12:29,955
That's for fucking my wife
203
00:12:29,956 --> 00:12:32,676
and for making me
look like a dog's nut back there.
204
00:12:36,236 --> 00:12:40,075
So the implication was that Acker's
murdered someone else?
205
00:12:40,076 --> 00:12:42,155
I got that distinct impression.
206
00:12:42,156 --> 00:12:45,715
I think Ray Purchase got cat-mouthed
and revealed it in error. Really odd.
207
00:12:45,716 --> 00:12:47,315
Shouldn't we contact the police?
208
00:12:47,316 --> 00:12:50,555
Well, with murders,
once you get the police in,
209
00:12:50,556 --> 00:12:52,475
things can get complicated.
210
00:12:52,476 --> 00:12:55,755
I agree. If ever I heard about
a murder, I wouldn't contact the police.
211
00:12:55,756 --> 00:13:00,155
Why not? Overcrowded prisons? No.
Much on the lines of what you've just said.
212
00:13:00,156 --> 00:13:04,315
Once you get the police involved
with a murder, things can escalate.
213
00:13:04,316 --> 00:13:08,395
Look, you have to get me out of this
Acker play. Tell him anything.
214
00:13:08,396 --> 00:13:10,595
Tell him I've got VD.
Where would you get it?
215
00:13:10,596 --> 00:13:14,315
We haven't been exactly
active recently!
216
00:13:14,316 --> 00:13:17,155
Now listen, Toast, I think
it's important you don't cross Acker.
217
00:13:17,156 --> 00:13:19,675
Just do what he says.
You don't want him as an enemy.
218
00:13:19,676 --> 00:13:22,035
Now, bugger off, Toast.
I've got Strawberry Rathbone
219
00:13:22,036 --> 00:13:25,395
popping in in 15 minutes. If she sees
YOU here, there'll be a scene.
220
00:13:25,396 --> 00:13:28,756
A scene, you say? That'll be
a first for her in a while.
221
00:13:37,996 --> 00:13:39,435
Ouch!
222
00:13:39,436 --> 00:13:42,555
Jesus Christ! What are you
playing at? Sorry, Toast.
223
00:13:42,556 --> 00:13:46,715
Didn't know my own strength.
Fire and fucking blast! Not again.
224
00:13:46,716 --> 00:13:49,315
Language violation, Toast.
You all right?
225
00:13:49,316 --> 00:13:53,155
Well, if it's the Crown Jewels
you're referring to, not good. OK.
226
00:13:53,156 --> 00:13:55,916
Ladies and gentlemen, play is
suspended. Thank you.
227
00:13:57,676 --> 00:14:01,955
Something on your mind, Toast? Do
you remember Greta Cargo from RADA?
228
00:14:01,956 --> 00:14:04,595
Yeah. Very much into sex,
if I recall.
229
00:14:04,596 --> 00:14:07,395
I bumped into her on the street.
Always thought she was great.
230
00:14:07,396 --> 00:14:09,955
In fact, that's an anagram of her
name. Great.
231
00:14:09,956 --> 00:14:13,795
Just swap the A and the T. It's a
very simple one but... So it is.
232
00:14:13,796 --> 00:14:18,035
Anyway, I've created a bit of a problem
for myself. I've contacted an agency.
233
00:14:18,036 --> 00:14:21,515
An estate agency? No,
a different kind of agency.
234
00:14:21,516 --> 00:14:25,276
Travel agency? What? No!
Escort agency. I see!
235
00:14:26,796 --> 00:14:30,195
Well, lots of chaps use agencies.
I've read about it.
236
00:14:30,196 --> 00:14:33,595
I mean, you might have done it. I
haven't done it. Well, that's fine.
237
00:14:33,596 --> 00:14:37,275
Yeah, but I haven't done it. OK, if
you... I honestly haven't done it!
238
00:14:37,276 --> 00:14:39,795
All right!
239
00:14:39,796 --> 00:14:43,515
So I'm meeting this escort in this
posh hotel in South Ken tomorrow.
240
00:14:43,516 --> 00:14:46,035
I can't wait. Does a great
afternoon tea as well.
241
00:14:46,036 --> 00:14:47,395
So this is the dilemma.
242
00:14:47,396 --> 00:14:50,115
If I hook up with the escort,
the sex is guaranteed.
243
00:14:50,116 --> 00:14:52,435
If I meet Greta and nothing happens,
I'll shit out
244
00:14:52,436 --> 00:14:54,115
and be doubly disappointed.
245
00:14:54,116 --> 00:14:56,595
Do you want my advice? Yeah.
Go where the sex is.
246
00:14:56,596 --> 00:15:00,715
That's exactly what I was thinking.
After all, it's only what, ?400?
247
00:15:00,716 --> 00:15:04,595
?400? How do you know? Guess.
248
00:15:04,596 --> 00:15:09,676
You're spot on. A guess, Toast.
Just a guess. Yeah...!
249
00:15:10,996 --> 00:15:14,395
Guess? Reception. Hello?
250
00:15:14,396 --> 00:15:18,235
Yes, I'm the travelling
salesman from room 560.
251
00:15:18,236 --> 00:15:22,595
I'm expecting a visitor. She's
blonde and her name is Laurie.
252
00:15:22,596 --> 00:15:27,196
Just... I'll be here. Just ring up.
I'll come straight down.
253
00:15:31,676 --> 00:15:36,155
Toast. Toast? Acker Heron.
Meet me at the Olympian Club.
254
00:15:36,156 --> 00:15:38,515
You want to meet now? Yes, now.
But I have to...
255
00:15:38,516 --> 00:15:41,995
I wouldn't waste our time unless it
was important. I can't. I've got a...
256
00:15:41,996 --> 00:15:44,595
I'll text you the address.
257
00:15:44,596 --> 00:15:47,956
What the fu...? Who the
shit does he think he is?
258
00:15:56,436 --> 00:15:59,835
Fencing tells one so much
about a fellow. About his commitment.
259
00:15:59,836 --> 00:16:03,436
His loyalty. About how much of a man
he is. Do we have to?
260
00:16:04,516 --> 00:16:07,956
I have an afternoon tea
appointment at four. God!
261
00:16:15,796 --> 00:16:18,075
You have a natural talent, Toast.
262
00:16:18,076 --> 00:16:20,636
I like to think I've mastered
the basic skills.
263
00:16:23,796 --> 00:16:27,515
That hurt, did it? Shit! Your suit's
fitted with electronic sensors.
264
00:16:27,516 --> 00:16:31,035
A direct hit results in a massive
electric shock.
265
00:16:31,036 --> 00:16:35,195
Enough to kill a small dog. What the
hell are you playing at?
266
00:16:35,196 --> 00:16:36,995
I'm testing you out, Toast.
267
00:16:36,996 --> 00:16:39,836
I want to make sure you're
the kind of man I can rely on.
268
00:16:56,756 --> 00:16:58,875
I think you proved yourself
out there.
269
00:16:58,876 --> 00:17:02,315
You passed part one of the test.
Part one?
270
00:17:02,316 --> 00:17:07,115
I dread to think what part two
entails. Of course!
271
00:17:07,116 --> 00:17:12,555
Yes, it's me, Toast. Ray fucking
Purchase, your worst nightmare.
272
00:17:12,556 --> 00:17:14,395
Ooh!
273
00:17:14,396 --> 00:17:18,835
How does that feel, Toast?
Grab the other one, Ray!
274
00:17:18,836 --> 00:17:20,835
Cumberbatch lasted less
than half an hour.
275
00:17:20,836 --> 00:17:22,155
Who?
276
00:17:22,156 --> 00:17:27,035
Fassbender, barely 20 minutes.
You think it's clever, do you?
277
00:17:27,036 --> 00:17:30,395
Grabbing a man's balls in the
shower? You're pathetic. Both of you.
278
00:17:30,396 --> 00:17:35,995
We're not letting go, Toast.
We're going to break your balls.
279
00:17:35,996 --> 00:17:38,116
Metaphorically and literally.
280
00:17:44,116 --> 00:17:47,795
45 minutes. I'm impressed.
281
00:17:47,796 --> 00:17:50,715
What time's your appointment?
Four o'clock.
282
00:17:50,716 --> 00:17:55,156
And it's crucial I don't arrive at this
particular appointment with crushed nuts.
283
00:17:56,916 --> 00:17:58,835
I think you've made your point.
284
00:17:58,836 --> 00:18:02,796
Do you swear total loyalty to me
and to the production? Yes!
285
00:18:05,876 --> 00:18:10,515
I just know we're going to achieve
great things with this play.
286
00:18:10,516 --> 00:18:12,875
This is a terrible time for theatre.
287
00:18:12,876 --> 00:18:16,835
Have you heard about that shit
that's on at the Playhouse?
288
00:18:16,836 --> 00:18:18,395
It's everything I hate.
289
00:18:18,396 --> 00:18:23,076
All the actors in that should be
stripped naked, shot and shat on.
290
00:18:24,396 --> 00:18:27,316
Hang on a second!
Toast's in that play!
291
00:18:30,596 --> 00:18:34,396
You're in that play!
He's in that play, Acker! OK.
292
00:18:35,836 --> 00:18:37,916
Well, that's rather disappointing.
293
00:18:40,116 --> 00:18:44,276
Give me a moment. I just need to
think about strategy here.
294
00:18:45,956 --> 00:18:47,236
I'll be back in a minute.
295
00:18:50,076 --> 00:18:52,595
Why are you such a grass,
Purchase? Look.
296
00:18:52,596 --> 00:18:56,315
If you're in some shit play,
Acker needs to know about it.
297
00:18:56,316 --> 00:19:00,035
You can't resist it, can you?
Poking that big nose of yours in.
298
00:19:00,036 --> 00:19:05,396
You're such a fucking prick. Ray?
Please leave. This could turn ugly.
299
00:19:07,116 --> 00:19:10,035
I wouldn't mind staying. Leave!
300
00:19:10,036 --> 00:19:15,116
I don't want any witnesses and lock
all the doors behind you. OK.
301
00:19:20,276 --> 00:19:23,836
So. Just you and me, Toast.
302
00:19:26,036 --> 00:19:29,035
Shouldn't I put my
fencing outfit on?
303
00:19:29,036 --> 00:19:32,235
Actually, you're wearing mine. We're
not doing fencing any more, Toast.
304
00:19:32,236 --> 00:19:37,875
We're doing killing. This is what you
get for doing shit theatre.
305
00:19:37,876 --> 00:19:39,196
You're going to die.
306
00:19:42,636 --> 00:19:43,636
OK. You win, Acker.
307
00:19:44,956 --> 00:19:48,275
Is it not customary to give
a condemned man a last request?
308
00:19:48,276 --> 00:19:49,636
OK. What is it?
309
00:19:51,476 --> 00:19:55,275
We've left the shower on.
I hate wasting water.
310
00:19:55,276 --> 00:19:56,995
You wouldn't mind turning it off?
311
00:19:56,996 --> 00:19:58,715
Fine.
312
00:19:58,716 --> 00:20:01,515
You know, it's good to be concerned
about environmental issues.
313
00:20:01,516 --> 00:20:02,875
All right.
314
00:20:02,876 --> 00:20:04,955
Ray Purchase has locked all the doors
315
00:20:04,956 --> 00:20:07,315
so you can't escape.
316
00:20:07,316 --> 00:20:09,156
Resistance would be futile!
317
00:20:16,436 --> 00:20:18,236
I'm guessing
the rehearsal's cancelled.
318
00:20:20,156 --> 00:20:21,835
Reception? Hello.
319
00:20:21,836 --> 00:20:25,915
Yes, I'm the travelling salesman
from room 560...
320
00:20:25,916 --> 00:20:28,595
Shit, I've forgotten my name.
Look...
321
00:20:28,596 --> 00:20:31,475
Look, if someone comes to the hotel,
322
00:20:31,476 --> 00:20:34,435
asking for the name of a guest
who isn't a resident,
323
00:20:34,436 --> 00:20:36,036
it'll probably be for me.
324
00:20:45,956 --> 00:20:47,475
Hello?
325
00:20:47,476 --> 00:20:49,875
Royce Coolidge - yes,
that's who I am.
326
00:20:49,876 --> 00:20:51,795
Yes. She... Fantastic.
327
00:20:51,796 --> 00:20:53,596
I'll be straight down. Thanking you.
328
00:21:02,316 --> 00:21:05,955
Greta? Stephen? Hello again.
329
00:21:05,956 --> 00:21:09,515
I'm just here meeting an old male...
330
00:21:09,516 --> 00:21:12,675
man... school friend.
I hear the afternoon tea's great.
331
00:21:12,676 --> 00:21:13,995
What are you doing here?
332
00:21:13,996 --> 00:21:15,155
I'm working.
333
00:21:15,156 --> 00:21:17,955
Working? Yes, I'm meeting someone.
334
00:21:17,956 --> 00:21:21,435
They're called a John, in the trade.
I should explain...
335
00:21:21,436 --> 00:21:23,995
No, no, no, no, no, no.
This is amazing.
336
00:21:23,996 --> 00:21:26,435
Has it got anything to do with
337
00:21:26,436 --> 00:21:28,035
an escort agency?
338
00:21:28,036 --> 00:21:30,516
Yes.
339
00:21:32,236 --> 00:21:36,395
I can't say I'm surprised.
You were always pretty adventurous.
340
00:21:36,396 --> 00:21:37,635
Shall we?
341
00:21:37,636 --> 00:21:39,275
I'm not sure what you mean, Stephen.
342
00:21:39,276 --> 00:21:41,635
This is part of the
documentary series I'm producing.
343
00:21:41,636 --> 00:21:44,075
We're here with
that woman over there... Oh!
344
00:21:44,076 --> 00:21:46,115
..hoping to interview the man
she's meeting.
345
00:21:46,116 --> 00:21:48,115
In fact, he's on his way down
as we speak.
346
00:21:48,116 --> 00:21:49,236
So if you could just...
347
00:21:51,356 --> 00:21:52,675
Hang on.
348
00:21:52,676 --> 00:21:54,956
How do you know
about the escort agency?
349
00:22:05,756 --> 00:22:09,675
All men somehow pay for love
350
00:22:09,676 --> 00:22:13,915
While this world turns
under stars above
351
00:22:13,916 --> 00:22:18,275
It's unfair how fingers point
and blame
352
00:22:18,276 --> 00:22:23,075
Now I hang my head
in fear and shame
353
00:22:23,076 --> 00:22:26,995
Who am I to cast a stone?
354
00:22:26,996 --> 00:22:31,235
I've enough dark demons of my own
355
00:22:31,236 --> 00:22:35,395
Just a pawn in a very complex game
356
00:22:35,396 --> 00:22:39,955
Now I hang my head
in fear and shame
357
00:22:39,956 --> 00:22:44,115
How I hang my head
in fear and shame
358
00:22:44,116 --> 00:22:49,076
Yes, I hang my head
in fear and shame.
359
00:23:15,402 --> 00:23:16,961
Guys, you're wasting your time.
360
00:23:16,962 --> 00:23:18,761
You're wasting
the air in your lungs.
361
00:23:18,762 --> 00:23:20,841
I know for a fact that
Steven Toast is dead.
362
00:23:20,842 --> 00:23:23,241
Don't ask me why, I just know he is.
I know he's dead.
363
00:23:23,242 --> 00:23:24,722
There he is!
364
00:23:32,482 --> 00:23:33,942
Shit!
365
00:23:33,964 --> 00:24:02,392
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