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1
00:00:03,600 --> 00:00:06,079
I thought you said you were
a bee keeper.
2
00:00:06,080 --> 00:00:08,159
No, a beak keeper.
3
00:00:08,160 --> 00:00:09,759
I keep beaks.
4
00:00:09,760 --> 00:00:11,519
It's an impressive collection.
5
00:00:11,520 --> 00:00:13,999
I didn't ask you back to my flat
to look at my beaks.
6
00:00:14,000 --> 00:00:15,239
Of course you didn't.
7
00:00:15,240 --> 00:00:19,239
This programme contains very strong
language and adult humour.
8
00:00:20,440 --> 00:00:24,439
You don't mind if I keep my sports
vest on, do you? Fine.
9
00:00:25,640 --> 00:00:28,039
What's that thing on your leg?
Oh, nothing.
10
00:00:28,040 --> 00:00:29,959
Mm!
11
00:00:29,960 --> 00:00:33,959
Won't it get in the way? What is it
exactly? It's an electronic tag.
12
00:00:33,960 --> 00:00:36,319
An electronic tag?
Yeah, it's nothing.
13
00:00:36,320 --> 00:00:39,279
I got into a little scrape with the
police and now I have to wear
14
00:00:39,280 --> 00:00:41,919
an electronic tag on my leg.
It's no big deal.
15
00:00:41,920 --> 00:00:44,959
An electronic tag, aren't
they for thieves and murderers?
16
00:00:44,960 --> 00:00:47,159
You've not murdered anyone,
have you? Not yet.
17
00:00:47,160 --> 00:00:48,639
SHE LAUGHS
18
00:00:48,640 --> 00:00:51,639
HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
What do you mean, "not yet"?
19
00:00:51,640 --> 00:00:53,959
Cos he's in a coma.
It could go either way.
20
00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:57,479
There was a very minor altercation
and someone got stabbed.
21
00:00:57,480 --> 00:01:00,359
I didn't even think it was
worth calling the police.
22
00:01:00,360 --> 00:01:04,359
Who got stabbed?
My boyfriend. It's fine!
23
00:01:04,440 --> 00:01:08,159
That dark stain on your rug,
is that connected with the stabbing?
24
00:01:08,160 --> 00:01:11,719
Yes, it's a bloodstain.
Why are you so interested in this?
25
00:01:11,720 --> 00:01:15,159
I've just realised
I have to be up early in the morning
26
00:01:15,160 --> 00:01:18,679
for a... dentist appointment.
I should be going.
27
00:01:18,680 --> 00:01:20,759
Really? Yes.
28
00:01:20,760 --> 00:01:23,679
I hope you're not put off by the fact
that I stabbed my boyfriend.
29
00:01:23,680 --> 00:01:25,039
Ex-boyfriend, surely.
30
00:01:25,040 --> 00:01:27,519
That's a discussion we'll have
to have when he wakes up.
31
00:01:27,520 --> 00:01:31,199
That's if he ever does. I see it
as us having a break from each other.
32
00:01:31,200 --> 00:01:33,679
That's why I think it's
OK for me to see you.
33
00:01:33,680 --> 00:01:37,279
You're pissed off with me,
aren't you? No, no.
34
00:01:37,280 --> 00:01:41,199
I know what you're thinking. There's
another boyfriend on the scene.
35
00:01:41,200 --> 00:01:43,879
He still fancies her,
maybe she still fancies him.
36
00:01:43,880 --> 00:01:47,239
Where do I fit into all of this?
Cos I really fancy her too.
37
00:01:47,240 --> 00:01:51,239
But don't worry. I know Colin
would be cool about me seeing you.
38
00:01:51,720 --> 00:01:54,479
If he's not, fuck him!
39
00:01:54,480 --> 00:01:57,479
I think we should take
a break from each other.
40
00:01:57,480 --> 00:02:01,479
But I only met you tonight.Really? I
can't take a break from you as well.
41
00:02:01,720 --> 00:02:05,719
Maybe we could go for a drink
sometime soon. How would that be?
42
00:02:06,800 --> 00:02:10,799
You'd better fucking ring me.
43
00:02:16,960 --> 00:02:20,959
KNOCK ON DOOR
44
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I've forgotten my trousers.
45
00:02:49,680 --> 00:02:52,719
It's tremendous news.
So when did you hear?
46
00:02:52,720 --> 00:02:55,679
Just this morning, as soon
as I got the e-mail, I rang you.
47
00:02:55,680 --> 00:02:58,559
Can you believe it?
You've won an award!
48
00:02:58,560 --> 00:03:02,559
After how many years
in the industry? 10? 15?28.
49
00:03:03,280 --> 00:03:07,279
Time to break open
the mini champagne.
50
00:03:07,560 --> 00:03:10,919
There's going to be
a very big ceremony
51
00:03:10,920 --> 00:03:14,879
and they're very keen that you
accept the award in person. CHAMPAGNE CORK POPS
52
00:03:14,880 --> 00:03:17,799
This is great. All very exciting.
What is this magazine?
53
00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:19,959
It's called Braz with a Z.
54
00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:23,919
It specialises in celebrity titbits
and such. Braz?
55
00:03:23,920 --> 00:03:27,919
Sounds like a bongo mag.A what?
A jazz mag. A porno.
56
00:03:28,160 --> 00:03:31,279
I...Spare me
the confused innocence, Jane.
57
00:03:31,280 --> 00:03:33,599
We're both far too
long in the tooth.
58
00:03:33,600 --> 00:03:35,679
It's a celebrity magazine, Toast.
59
00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:39,279
It's read by more people than
read your bingo rag, I'll wager!
60
00:03:39,280 --> 00:03:42,959
So what have I won?
What's the award for? Best actor.
61
00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:45,399
Ooh!
GLASSES TING
62
00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:47,359
Am I the best actor in Britain?
63
00:03:47,360 --> 00:03:49,079
Or the world?
64
00:03:49,080 --> 00:03:52,679
I...don't know if they've specified.
I'll assume it's the world.
65
00:03:52,680 --> 00:03:54,479
And what's the time frame?
66
00:03:54,480 --> 00:03:57,359
Best actor of the year,
the century or of all time?
67
00:03:57,360 --> 00:04:01,359
Toast, just be glad you've won.
Now, do you know Susan Random? No.
68
00:04:01,720 --> 00:04:05,719
She's a journalist. She's
huge on Twitter. 300,000 followers.
69
00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:09,999
Even Jesus didn't
have 300,000 followers.
70
00:04:11,160 --> 00:04:14,759
Yeah, I think he did.
Not at the beginning. Hm?
71
00:04:14,760 --> 00:04:16,519
Anyway, she's very keen to meet you.
72
00:04:16,520 --> 00:04:19,399
Big spread in the Telegraph
and she's paying for lunch.
73
00:04:19,400 --> 00:04:22,399
I absolutely made that clear.Ha-ha!
74
00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:24,639
This is all unusually good.
75
00:04:24,640 --> 00:04:28,639
I can't wait to start telling people
that I... have won an award.
76
00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:32,679
Ah. Toast, I need to inform
you of something.
77
00:04:32,680 --> 00:04:36,319
Do you remember someone called
Kikini Bamalam? I know the name.
78
00:04:36,320 --> 00:04:39,319
Kikini Bamalam.Kikini Bamalam.
Kikini Bamalam.Stop saying it.
79
00:04:39,320 --> 00:04:42,519
She's the daughter of the Nigerian
ambassador. Terrific girl.
80
00:04:42,520 --> 00:04:43,959
Had a bit of a rough time lately.
81
00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:47,199
I've asked her if she'd like to come
and stay here for a while.Why?
82
00:04:47,200 --> 00:04:49,759
She's been recovering
from an operation. Ah.
83
00:04:49,760 --> 00:04:53,439
Unfortunately, she's addicted to
cosmetic surgery. Pointless really.
84
00:04:53,440 --> 00:04:55,439
She's always been very attractive.
85
00:04:55,440 --> 00:04:59,439
But after her last painful op, she's
ended up looking very much like...
86
00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:03,839
It's most peculiar. Well, who?
Who does she look like?
87
00:05:03,840 --> 00:05:06,799
Bruce Forsyth.Bruce Forsyth?!
88
00:05:06,800 --> 00:05:09,079
Yes. Quite an uncanny likeness.
89
00:05:09,080 --> 00:05:11,999
They've done a radical
makeover of her entire body, except
90
00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:15,399
for her left hand. The police
arrived before they got to that.
91
00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:17,119
So her hand is still...? Yes.
92
00:05:17,120 --> 00:05:20,359
A sole reminder of her
quintessential African beauty.
93
00:05:20,360 --> 00:05:22,079
It's obviously rather traumatic
94
00:05:22,080 --> 00:05:24,599
because she absolutely
hates Bruce Forsyth.
95
00:05:24,600 --> 00:05:28,199
Although, I must say,
I'm a bit of a fan.Well, who isn't?
96
00:05:28,200 --> 00:05:31,119
All round entertainer! Yeah.
So what are we talking here?
97
00:05:31,120 --> 00:05:34,679
Palladium Brucey? Generation Game
Brucey? Or Strictly Brucey?
98
00:05:34,680 --> 00:05:37,319
Generation Game Brucey. Ooh.
99
00:05:37,320 --> 00:05:39,679
Resembling Brucey from any era
is bound to be
100
00:05:39,680 --> 00:05:42,559
traumatic for an attractive
African woman.Given.
101
00:05:42,560 --> 00:05:45,999
This latest surgeon she went to,
an unscrupulous character,
102
00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:49,999
goes by the name of Beezus Fafoon.
Beezus Fafoon? Beezus Fafoon.
103
00:05:50,200 --> 00:05:53,439
I haven't heard that name
in a while.Really?
104
00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:56,959
Beezus Fafoon was a pseudonym
sometimes used by a rival of mine.
105
00:05:56,960 --> 00:06:00,199
A total prat by the name
of Ray Purchase.
106
00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:03,479
Ah, yes. Third rate actor,
vulgar farces. That's the one.
107
00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:06,119
I've been fucking his wife
on an ongoing basis.
108
00:06:06,120 --> 00:06:07,959
He's never got used to the idea.
109
00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:10,999
So, he's branched into cosmetic
surgery, has he?
110
00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:13,359
He's probably doing it just
to get back at me.
111
00:06:13,360 --> 00:06:16,759
He's always been very jealous
and a complete tool.
112
00:06:16,760 --> 00:06:20,759
I see.That'd be right.
I can just picture the scene.
113
00:06:20,840 --> 00:06:24,839
So, you want to look like... her.
114
00:06:24,960 --> 00:06:28,959
No problem. I'll just um... inject
you... with... this.
115
00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:32,199
Ray...
116
00:06:32,200 --> 00:06:33,959
Ah...
117
00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:37,639
EVIL LAUGH
118
00:06:37,640 --> 00:06:39,679
Ray...
119
00:06:39,680 --> 00:06:41,119
Ah...
120
00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:45,119
So, you think he set himself
up as a rogue cosmetic surgeon to
121
00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:48,279
operate on a friend of a friend
of yours, disfigure her
122
00:06:48,280 --> 00:06:52,119
and turn her into a Bruce Forsyth
lookalike just to piss you off?
123
00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:56,119
Yup. Thing is,
I'm not even that pissed off.
124
00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:03,279
Excuse me.
125
00:07:03,280 --> 00:07:07,279
Which one of you ladies is here to
meet Steven Toast? Steven.
126
00:07:07,520 --> 00:07:09,679
Hi.
127
00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:12,799
I'm Susan Random. I'm Steven Toast.
128
00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:14,959
Do sit down. I intend to.
129
00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:17,839
Thanks for agreeing to the
interview. Would you like a drink?
130
00:07:17,840 --> 00:07:21,839
Are you having one? I'm working.Of
course. If you want one, it's fine.
131
00:07:21,920 --> 00:07:24,279
I hope you're not one
of these journalists who
132
00:07:24,280 --> 00:07:27,039
gets their subjects sloshed
so they spill the beans.
133
00:07:27,040 --> 00:07:31,039
Cos that isn't going to happen.
134
00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:36,399
Seems odd that this is an interview
cos it's just like chatting
135
00:07:36,400 --> 00:07:38,759
to an old friend.
I feel that too.
136
00:07:38,760 --> 00:07:42,039
I admit, I was planning
a bit of a hatchet job.
137
00:07:42,040 --> 00:07:45,919
Sort of, Steven Toast -
he's a massive prick.
138
00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:49,919
But it just seems that we have
so much in common.
139
00:07:50,360 --> 00:07:54,359
I've got so much in common too.
140
00:07:56,520 --> 00:08:00,039
Listen, I have to do this
fucking play tonight.
141
00:08:00,040 --> 00:08:03,439
Maybe we can meet tomorrow
afternoon.We could go for a walk.
142
00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:05,319
I live near the canal, so...
143
00:08:05,320 --> 00:08:07,599
A walk along the canal,
how delightful!
144
00:08:07,600 --> 00:08:10,639
Do you read poetry? The best poetry
is about canals.
145
00:08:10,640 --> 00:08:12,599
I love canal poetry.
146
00:08:12,600 --> 00:08:15,039
The only thing
I don't like about the word canal is
147
00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:16,759
if you remove the C, it spells anal.
148
00:08:16,760 --> 00:08:20,759
HE LAUGHS
149
00:08:24,880 --> 00:08:27,559
SHE CHUCKLES
Yes!
150
00:08:27,560 --> 00:08:31,559
THEY BOTH LAUGH
151
00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:36,759
THEY CONTINUE LAUGHING
152
00:08:36,760 --> 00:08:40,759
STILL LAUGHING
153
00:08:41,960 --> 00:08:43,759
I have to get a bus.
154
00:08:43,760 --> 00:08:47,759
OK.See you tomorrow.
See you tomorrow.
155
00:08:53,480 --> 00:08:55,359
Hello.Jesus Christ!
156
00:08:55,360 --> 00:08:57,639
You scared the shit out of me!
Who is she?
157
00:08:57,640 --> 00:09:00,519
She's just a journalist doing
a piece about me. I've got to go.
158
00:09:00,520 --> 00:09:02,359
I...
ALARM BEEPS
159
00:09:02,360 --> 00:09:06,039
Oh, damn it! It's my electronic tag.
I must be beyond the ten mile zone.
160
00:09:06,040 --> 00:09:09,279
Really? Yeah.
This must be the line right here.
161
00:09:09,280 --> 00:09:12,919
ALARM BEEPS
Ha-ha! It's a great system.
162
00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:15,319
I hope you're going to call me.
Absolutely.
163
00:09:15,320 --> 00:09:19,319
As soon as I have a spare moment.
You better, Toast!
164
00:09:24,640 --> 00:09:26,079
Thank you.
165
00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:29,119
Although I'm honoured to receive
this award, it's not a surprise.
166
00:09:29,120 --> 00:09:31,239
Pleased with your award,
are you, Toast?
167
00:09:31,240 --> 00:09:34,719
Yes. About bloody time this
industry recognised me.
168
00:09:34,720 --> 00:09:37,799
And to celebrate, I'm planning
a romantic walk along a canal.
169
00:09:37,800 --> 00:09:41,279
Oh, I fell into a canal once when
I was filming that episode of Minder.
170
00:09:41,280 --> 00:09:43,159
I was handcuffed to Diana Quick. Mm.
171
00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:46,879
Well, I'll be accompanied
by the delightful Susan Random.
172
00:09:46,880 --> 00:09:49,759
Susan Random, the journalist?
I follow her on Twitter.
173
00:09:49,760 --> 00:09:52,839
I plan to follow her myself, but not
on Twitter. Just along a canal.
174
00:09:52,840 --> 00:09:56,199
Excellent.Why are you dressed as the
Man from Del-mon-tay?
175
00:09:56,200 --> 00:09:58,799
It's for Kikini's imminent arrival.
I see.
176
00:09:58,800 --> 00:10:01,559
It's absolutely crucial that we
make as little as possible
177
00:10:01,560 --> 00:10:03,599
of the Bruce Forsyth thing.
Of course.
178
00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:05,439
DOORBELL
That'll be her.
179
00:10:05,440 --> 00:10:08,559
Remember, the whole Brucey thing
is strictly off the agenda!
180
00:10:08,560 --> 00:10:12,119
Most important! All right, Ed!
181
00:10:12,120 --> 00:10:16,119
Ah! A canal poem by Susan Random!
182
00:10:16,320 --> 00:10:20,319
"Dear Steven, my favourite
place for water is in a long canal,
183
00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:25,239
"Although it can be dark and wh-et,
it never is banal."
184
00:10:25,480 --> 00:10:29,319
Susan, that's beautiful.
185
00:10:29,320 --> 00:10:32,199
Kikini, this is my flatmate,
Steven Toast.
186
00:10:32,200 --> 00:10:35,559
Nice to see you, to see you... nice.
187
00:10:35,560 --> 00:10:36,759
Forgive that.
188
00:10:36,760 --> 00:10:39,799
Ed did tell me that to mention
any of your catchphrases was
189
00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:42,959
strictly... strictly... strictly...
190
00:10:42,960 --> 00:10:46,799
strictly, strictly,
strictly... strictly,
191
00:10:46,800 --> 00:10:50,679
SLOW MOTION:
..strictly, strictly...
192
00:10:50,680 --> 00:10:53,799
Ooh!
193
00:10:53,800 --> 00:10:57,399
You don't look, actually, anything
like him.I might need a lie down.
194
00:10:57,400 --> 00:11:00,039
Yes, Kikini,
you've had a long journey.
195
00:11:00,040 --> 00:11:04,039
Let me show you to your room.
Out this way again, is it?
196
00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:06,300
Shit!
197
00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:17,559
It was as if I was in some
kind of trance,
198
00:11:17,560 --> 00:11:20,239
but she does look the spitting
image of Bruce Forsyth.
199
00:11:20,240 --> 00:11:22,079
And apparently, she hates him.
200
00:11:22,080 --> 00:11:25,399
I thought I'd hate you
before I met you.
201
00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:28,719
Everyone said to me,
"Steven Toast? What a cunt!"
202
00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:31,759
But you're not.
203
00:11:31,760 --> 00:11:35,399
You're really not.
204
00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:39,399
Just a moment.
205
00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:48,999
I'd often wondered how those things
ended up in canals. Yes!
206
00:11:49,080 --> 00:11:52,439
I'm the sort of person who dumps
supermarket trolleys in canals.
207
00:11:52,440 --> 00:11:54,319
I want to know everything about you.
208
00:11:54,320 --> 00:11:58,319
THEY CHUCKLE
209
00:12:00,680 --> 00:12:03,239
So, what will you have to drink?
210
00:12:03,240 --> 00:12:06,119
I suppose there is... something
I should tell you.
211
00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:10,119
I'm not embarrassed about it,
but I have to let you know.
212
00:12:10,360 --> 00:12:12,439
I'm an alcoholic.
213
00:12:12,440 --> 00:12:15,239
Brilliant! I mean,
no-one drinks these days.
214
00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:18,759
Let's get a bottle of whisky. No,
Toast. I'm a recovering alcoholic.
215
00:12:18,760 --> 00:12:21,919
I can't drink. Ever.
216
00:12:21,920 --> 00:12:23,919
It ruined my life.
217
00:12:23,920 --> 00:12:26,039
Well, look, it doesn't matter.
218
00:12:26,040 --> 00:12:29,479
We'll get a bottle of whisky and
I'll drink your half as well. Ha-ha!
219
00:12:29,480 --> 00:12:33,199
If I was still drinking, I wouldn't
just drink half a bottle! Me, too!
220
00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:37,199
I'd drink the whole bottle.
We have so much in common.
221
00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:41,119
So, apart from throwing shopping
trolleys in canals,
222
00:12:41,120 --> 00:12:44,279
being an alcoholic,
you seem refreshingly normal.
223
00:12:44,280 --> 00:12:46,639
So what else should
I know about you?
224
00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:48,679
These things normally
come in threes.
225
00:12:48,680 --> 00:12:51,879
Oh, that's all my skeletons out
the closet, Toast. I promise.
226
00:12:51,880 --> 00:12:53,599
No more surprises.
227
00:12:53,600 --> 00:12:57,159
I have to do that bloody awful play
later, but I'll be free afterwards.
228
00:12:57,160 --> 00:12:59,559
Now, I would invite you
round to mine,
229
00:12:59,560 --> 00:13:02,559
but we have that female
Bruce Forsyth lookalike staying.
230
00:13:02,560 --> 00:13:06,079
So...?
So... is there any room at yours?
231
00:13:06,080 --> 00:13:09,999
Oh, you mean for... sexy time?
Well, I wouldn't...
232
00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:13,959
I like sexy time. Great!
I can supply my own sheets.
233
00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:17,879
I do have one rule. I will not use
extra safe ones. They're too thick
234
00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:21,199
and I don't believe in putting
in the extra effort. OK?
235
00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:24,199
All good my end.Excellent!
I'd love you to come back.
236
00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:28,199
It's just my house is
a little untidy.
237
00:13:28,280 --> 00:13:30,199
Oh, sod it. I'll tidy up. Um...
238
00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:33,039
Might need to spend
a bit of time on it though. Um...
239
00:13:33,040 --> 00:13:37,039
You could come round tomorrow night?
I'm totally free. Excellent!
240
00:13:38,560 --> 00:13:42,479
Just need to pop to the loo.
241
00:13:42,480 --> 00:13:44,919
Ha-ha!
242
00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:48,919
ALARM BEEPS
243
00:13:49,360 --> 00:13:50,799
Aah!
244
00:13:50,800 --> 00:13:52,519
Call you? Yes.
245
00:13:52,520 --> 00:13:54,559
For a drink? Yes.
246
00:13:54,560 --> 00:13:58,559
Yeah, I'll call you.
247
00:14:00,760 --> 00:14:04,759
Come back to bed, Kikini.
Look, I think I'm ready to go again.
248
00:14:07,600 --> 00:14:11,599
Just making myself a small sandwich.
Do you want one? Well... Uh... No.
249
00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:16,439
I'm not going to say good night cos
if I attempt to say anything,
250
00:14:16,440 --> 00:14:19,639
it's just going to end up being one
of Bruce Forsyth's catch phrases,
251
00:14:19,640 --> 00:14:22,519
like, "I'm in charge!",
or "Good game! Good game!",
252
00:14:22,520 --> 00:14:24,599
or "Give us a twirl!"
253
00:14:24,600 --> 00:14:26,799
So I'll just say nothing.
254
00:14:26,800 --> 00:14:30,799
Oh, shit!
255
00:14:31,440 --> 00:14:35,439
LOUD SCRAPING
256
00:14:38,560 --> 00:14:42,559
HE MOUTHS
257
00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:50,919
I think I'll have a shower.
258
00:14:50,920 --> 00:14:54,919
Yes, of course.
259
00:14:59,840 --> 00:15:03,759
What the hell are you playing at,
Ed? I know. I'm not proud of myself.
260
00:15:03,760 --> 00:15:07,759
It's just I've always been a big fan
of Bruce.She's not Bruce Forsyth!
261
00:15:08,720 --> 00:15:10,399
I'm aware how it looks.
262
00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:14,399
The thing is, it's really made Kikini
feel attractive again.What?!
263
00:15:14,920 --> 00:15:18,439
I'm just trying to shift focus
away from her looking like Brucie.
264
00:15:18,440 --> 00:15:22,039
In fact, I think she may be beginning
to quite like the idea.
265
00:15:22,040 --> 00:15:25,519
For fuck's sake!
266
00:15:25,520 --> 00:15:29,239
So, how are you getting on
with Susan Random? Good.
267
00:15:29,240 --> 00:15:33,239
I'm seeing her again tonight. Going
back to her place.Really? Oh, yes!
268
00:15:36,160 --> 00:15:40,159
Here we are.
269
00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:45,439
Good God!
270
00:15:46,360 --> 00:15:50,359
Follow me.
271
00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:51,999
Right behind you.
272
00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:55,999
Not as young as I was.
273
00:15:56,400 --> 00:15:58,079
Ooh!
274
00:15:58,080 --> 00:16:02,079
I guessed that these things normally
come in threes. What do you mean?
275
00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:05,199
Well, you appear to be one of those
extreme hoarders I've seen
276
00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:07,279
those TV programmes about.
277
00:16:07,280 --> 00:16:08,719
It's just a little untidy.
278
00:16:08,720 --> 00:16:12,039
Honestly, you should have seen
what it was like before. Ooh!
279
00:16:12,040 --> 00:16:13,559
What's wrong?
280
00:16:13,560 --> 00:16:15,079
I think I'm stuck.
281
00:16:15,080 --> 00:16:18,519
Oh.
282
00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:22,519
I'm just going to
change into something...
283
00:16:22,760 --> 00:16:26,679
a little more comfortable,
if that's OK.
284
00:16:26,680 --> 00:16:30,679
Yes!
285
00:16:32,640 --> 00:16:34,319
Don't go away.
286
00:16:34,320 --> 00:16:38,319
HE GIGGLES
Not much chance of that.
287
00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:42,399
This may take... a little while.
288
00:16:49,640 --> 00:16:53,639
Ah! Hee-hee!
289
00:16:54,320 --> 00:16:56,079
Ooh, yes!
290
00:16:56,080 --> 00:17:00,079
Mm! I see you're wearing
a sports vest. Hmm!
291
00:17:00,360 --> 00:17:01,999
Mm!
292
00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:04,839
I would have thought
you'd have got in by now.
293
00:17:04,840 --> 00:17:08,839
If I could, I would.
You're definitely stuck.
294
00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:11,319
I should get help.
295
00:17:11,320 --> 00:17:13,959
Where did I put my phone?
296
00:17:13,960 --> 00:17:17,199
Oh, no! No, no!
297
00:17:17,200 --> 00:17:20,879
ALARM BEEPS
298
00:17:20,880 --> 00:17:22,319
Argh!
299
00:17:22,320 --> 00:17:25,119
I thought you said you were
going to ring me.
300
00:17:25,120 --> 00:17:29,119
I think it may be... here.
301
00:17:30,160 --> 00:17:33,119
Are you sleeping with this woman?
Who is this person, Toast?
302
00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:35,839
Her name's Jemima. I'm sorry.
I don't know your full name.
303
00:17:35,840 --> 00:17:37,999
Jemima Gina. Meet Susan Random.
304
00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:40,959
Who is she? She's no-one.
We went out for one night.
305
00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:43,759
It's a bit more than that! It was
a pretty serious relationship!
306
00:17:43,760 --> 00:17:46,639
We were practically engaged! What
the fuck are you talking about?
307
00:17:46,640 --> 00:17:50,159
Is this true, Toast? Of course not!
She's a dangerous criminal!
308
00:17:50,160 --> 00:17:53,359
No, I'm not! Anyway, there's going
to be a retrial. I'll get off.
309
00:17:53,360 --> 00:17:57,359
Retrial for what? Murder!
Attempted murder, thank you!
310
00:17:57,720 --> 00:18:01,719
I don't know what to say, Toast.
I thought we had so much in common.
311
00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:03,919
I can't believe
you're cheating on me.
312
00:18:03,920 --> 00:18:06,079
You need to shut your mouth!
313
00:18:06,080 --> 00:18:10,079
So how are we going to resolve this?
I'm very fucking angry about this!
314
00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:15,959
You keep beaks too!
315
00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:19,079
Yes.
I've got about 20 boxes of them.
316
00:18:19,080 --> 00:18:22,359
SIRENS IN THE DISTANCE
I adore beaks.
317
00:18:22,360 --> 00:18:25,199
I really do. I frame mine.
I've got them on the wall.
318
00:18:25,200 --> 00:18:28,719
I must have several hundred.Oh!
I just find them so fascinating.
319
00:18:28,720 --> 00:18:32,719
So fragile.Noble.I love what you've
done to the place.You're so sweet.
320
00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:41,479
In the end
They will always cheat on me
321
00:18:42,040 --> 00:18:46,039
He's the same
But he somehow wriggled free
322
00:18:46,560 --> 00:18:50,559
I had high hopes
I really thought we'd work
323
00:18:50,720 --> 00:18:54,719
I'd found peace
Now you've sucked my world berserk
324
00:18:55,840 --> 00:18:59,839
You are mad
And you'll get what comes to you
325
00:19:00,080 --> 00:19:04,079
That sounds harsh
But it pays to tell the truth
326
00:19:04,320 --> 00:19:08,319
I did my best
I like you, can't you see?
327
00:19:09,240 --> 00:19:13,239
Now my world's started
Closing in on me
328
00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:17,719
Now my world's started
Closing in on me
329
00:19:17,880 --> 00:19:21,879
Now my world's started
Closing in on me.
330
00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:37,359
You know the rules, Jemima.
Give me a ring, yeah?
331
00:19:37,360 --> 00:19:40,639
Yeah?
332
00:19:40,640 --> 00:19:44,639
KNOCKS ON WINDOW
333
00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:50,079
We could go to a hotel.
334
00:19:50,080 --> 00:19:52,759
Oh, I don't think so, Toast.
335
00:19:52,760 --> 00:19:56,759
It's four o'clock in the morning.
You should go home. Really?
336
00:19:57,080 --> 00:19:59,399
Look, we should take
a break from each other.
337
00:19:59,400 --> 00:20:01,319
We've only known each other
two days.
338
00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:05,319
To be honest, Toast, I... think
you're a little... weird.
339
00:20:06,640 --> 00:20:08,279
I'm weird?!
340
00:20:08,280 --> 00:20:10,519
You're an alcoholic,
extreme hoarder,
341
00:20:10,520 --> 00:20:13,319
supermarket-trolley-in-the-canal
dumper.
342
00:20:13,320 --> 00:20:17,319
However, very attractive.
343
00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:29,039
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
344
00:20:29,040 --> 00:20:30,159
Toast.
345
00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:33,359
Sorry, Toast, to ring you at
four o'clock in the morning,
346
00:20:33,360 --> 00:20:37,359
but the award ceremony is on
tonight. You are going, aren't you?
347
00:20:37,360 --> 00:20:41,359
They're very keen that you appear.
Yeah, I need cheering up. Good.
348
00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:45,079
There's just one little thing.What?
349
00:20:45,080 --> 00:20:48,439
Well, you know I said you'd won
the award for best actor? Yeah.
350
00:20:48,440 --> 00:20:52,039
Well, it's actually for worst actor.
Sorry?
351
00:20:52,040 --> 00:20:54,159
'It's actually for worst actor.'
352
00:20:54,160 --> 00:20:58,159
It's a kind of... cheeky award
they give out every year.
353
00:20:58,360 --> 00:21:00,959
'I think the finer details must
have been on the attachment'
354
00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:03,159
and I don't normally
read attachments.
355
00:21:03,160 --> 00:21:04,479
There's been a change of plan.
356
00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:06,439
I'm not fucking going
to the award ceremony
357
00:21:06,440 --> 00:21:08,079
and if this wasn't a mobile phone,
358
00:21:08,080 --> 00:21:10,119
'I'd be hanging up on you
right now.'
359
00:21:10,120 --> 00:21:14,119
Hello?
360
00:21:14,320 --> 00:21:16,799
Is everyone enjoying
themselves tonight?
361
00:21:16,800 --> 00:21:20,359
God, who's this prick?
362
00:21:20,360 --> 00:21:24,359
And now, it's time to present
the award for... worst actor.
363
00:21:25,320 --> 00:21:29,319
And the winner is... Oh, very well
deserved, mate! Steven Toast!
364
00:21:30,680 --> 00:21:32,599
AUDIENCE BOOS
365
00:21:32,600 --> 00:21:34,479
Heh-heh (!)All right, all right.
366
00:21:34,480 --> 00:21:36,879
Unfortunately, Steven
can't be with us tonight,
367
00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:40,879
but he has sent a major celebrity
to collect the award.
368
00:21:40,920 --> 00:21:42,959
Please welcome Bruce Forsyth!
369
00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:46,839
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
370
00:21:46,840 --> 00:21:50,839
Oh, thank you so much.
371
00:21:50,840 --> 00:21:54,199
Yes, now, very sadly, Steven
can't be with us this evening,
372
00:21:54,200 --> 00:21:58,199
but I am so pleased to accept this
wonderful award on his behalf.
373
00:21:59,440 --> 00:22:01,759
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Ha-ha!
374
00:22:01,760 --> 00:22:05,039
It's very good of you to send
Kikini to the awards, Toast.
375
00:22:05,040 --> 00:22:09,039
She looks like she's having
a tremendous time.
376
00:22:09,840 --> 00:22:12,039
Let's have a toast, Toast.
377
00:22:12,040 --> 00:22:14,599
Although I'm not sure we're
supposed to be celebrating.
378
00:22:14,600 --> 00:22:17,999
Who cares?
379
00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:19,639
Didn't she do well!
380
00:22:19,640 --> 00:22:23,639
THEY LAUGH
381
00:22:23,689 --> 00:22:28,239
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