Original subtitles

I thought you said you were a bee keeper.

No, a beak keeper.

I keep beaks.

It's an impressive collection.

I didn't ask you back to my flat to look at my beaks.

Of course you didn't.

This programme contains very strong language and adult humour.

You don't mind if I keep my sports vest on, do you? Fine.

What's that thing on your leg? Oh, nothing.

Mm!

Won't it get in the way? What is it exactly? It's an electronic tag.

An electronic tag? Yeah, it's nothing.

I got into a little scrape with the police and now I have to wear

an electronic tag on my leg. It's no big deal.

An electronic tag, aren't they for thieves and murderers?

You've not murdered anyone, have you? Not yet.

SHE LAUGHS

HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY What do you mean, "not yet"?

Cos he's in a coma. It could go either way.

There was a very minor altercation and someone got stabbed.

I didn't even think it was worth calling the police.

Who got stabbed? My boyfriend. It's fine!

That dark stain on your rug, is that connected with the stabbing?

Yes, it's a bloodstain. Why are you so interested in this?

I've just realised I have to be up early in the morning

for a... dentist appointment. I should be going.

Really? Yes.

I hope you're not put off by the fact that I stabbed my boyfriend.

Ex-boyfriend, surely.

That's a discussion we'll have to have when he wakes up.

That's if he ever does. I see it as us having a break from each other.

That's why I think it's OK for me to see you.

You're pissed off with me, aren't you? No, no.

I know what you're thinking. There's another boyfriend on the scene.

He still fancies her, maybe she still fancies him.

Where do I fit into all of this? Cos I really fancy her too.

But don't worry. I know Colin would be cool about me seeing you.

If he's not, fuck him!

I think we should take a break from each other.

But I only met you tonight.Really? I can't take a break from you as well.

Maybe we could go for a drink sometime soon. How would that be?

You'd better fucking ring me.

KNOCK ON DOOR

I've forgotten my trousers.

It's tremendous news. So when did you hear?

Just this morning, as soon as I got the e-mail, I rang you.

Can you believe it? You've won an award!

After how many years in the industry? 10? 15?28.

Time to break open the mini champagne.

There's going to be a very big ceremony

and they're very keen that you accept the award in person. CHAMPAGNE CORK POPS

This is great. All very exciting. What is this magazine?

It's called Braz with a Z.

It specialises in celebrity titbits and such. Braz?

Sounds like a bongo mag.A what? A jazz mag. A porno.

I...Spare me the confused innocence, Jane.

We're both far too long in the tooth.

It's a celebrity magazine, Toast.

It's read by more people than read your bingo rag, I'll wager!

So what have I won? What's the award for? Best actor.

Ooh! GLASSES TING

Am I the best actor in Britain?

Or the world?

I...don't know if they've specified. I'll assume it's the world.

And what's the time frame?

Best actor of the year, the century or of all time?

Toast, just be glad you've won. Now, do you know Susan Random? No.

She's a journalist. She's huge on Twitter. 300,000 followers.

Even Jesus didn't have 300,000 followers.

Yeah, I think he did. Not at the beginning. Hm?

Anyway, she's very keen to meet you.

Big spread in the Telegraph and she's paying for lunch.

I absolutely made that clear.Ha-ha!

This is all unusually good.

I can't wait to start telling people that I... have won an award.

Ah. Toast, I need to inform you of something.

Do you remember someone called Kikini Bamalam? I know the name.

Kikini Bamalam.Kikini Bamalam. Kikini Bamalam.Stop saying it.

She's the daughter of the Nigerian ambassador. Terrific girl.

Had a bit of a rough time lately.

I've asked her if she'd like to come and stay here for a while.Why?

She's been recovering from an operation. Ah.

Unfortunately, she's addicted to cosmetic surgery. Pointless really.

She's always been very attractive.

But after her last painful op, she's ended up looking very much like...

It's most peculiar. Well, who? Who does she look like?

Bruce Forsyth.Bruce Forsyth?!

Yes. Quite an uncanny likeness.

They've done a radical makeover of her entire body, except

for her left hand. The police arrived before they got to that.

So her hand is still...? Yes.

A sole reminder of her quintessential African beauty.

It's obviously rather traumatic

because she absolutely hates Bruce Forsyth.

Although, I must say, I'm a bit of a fan.Well, who isn't?

All round entertainer! Yeah. So what are we talking here?

Palladium Brucey? Generation Game Brucey? Or Strictly Brucey?

Generation Game Brucey. Ooh.

Resembling Brucey from any era is bound to be

traumatic for an attractive African woman.Given.

This latest surgeon she went to, an unscrupulous character,

goes by the name of Beezus Fafoon. Beezus Fafoon? Beezus Fafoon.

I haven't heard that name in a while.Really?

Beezus Fafoon was a pseudonym sometimes used by a rival of mine.

A total prat by the name of Ray Purchase.

Ah, yes. Third rate actor, vulgar farces. That's the one.

I've been fucking his wife on an ongoing basis.

He's never got used to the idea.

So, he's branched into cosmetic surgery, has he?

He's probably doing it just to get back at me.

He's always been very jealous and a complete tool.

I see.That'd be right. I can just picture the scene.

So, you want to look like... her.

No problem. I'll just um... inject you... with... this.

Ray...

Ah...

EVIL LAUGH

Ray...

Ah...

So, you think he set himself up as a rogue cosmetic surgeon to

operate on a friend of a friend of yours, disfigure her

and turn her into a Bruce Forsyth lookalike just to piss you off?

Yup. Thing is, I'm not even that pissed off.

Excuse me.

Which one of you ladies is here to meet Steven Toast? Steven.

Hi.

I'm Susan Random. I'm Steven Toast.

Do sit down. I intend to.

Thanks for agreeing to the interview. Would you like a drink?

Are you having one? I'm working.Of course. If you want one, it's fine.

I hope you're not one of these journalists who

gets their subjects sloshed so they spill the beans.

Cos that isn't going to happen.

Seems odd that this is an interview cos it's just like chatting

to an old friend. I feel that too.

I admit, I was planning a bit of a hatchet job.

Sort of, Steven Toast - he's a massive prick.

But it just seems that we have so much in common.

I've got so much in common too.

Listen, I have to do this fucking play tonight.

Maybe we can meet tomorrow afternoon.We could go for a walk.

I live near the canal, so...

A walk along the canal, how delightful!

Do you read poetry? The best poetry is about canals.

I love canal poetry.

The only thing I don't like about the word canal is

if you remove the C, it spells anal.

HE LAUGHS

SHE CHUCKLES Yes!

THEY BOTH LAUGH

THEY CONTINUE LAUGHING

STILL LAUGHING

I have to get a bus.

OK.See you tomorrow. See you tomorrow.

Hello.Jesus Christ!

You scared the shit out of me! Who is she?

She's just a journalist doing a piece about me. I've got to go.

I... ALARM BEEPS

Oh, damn it! It's my electronic tag. I must be beyond the ten mile zone.

Really? Yeah. This must be the line right here.

ALARM BEEPS Ha-ha! It's a great system.

I hope you're going to call me. Absolutely.

As soon as I have a spare moment. You better, Toast!

Thank you.

Although I'm honoured to receive this award, it's not a surprise.

Pleased with your award, are you, Toast?

Yes. About bloody time this industry recognised me.

And to celebrate, I'm planning a romantic walk along a canal.

Oh, I fell into a canal once when I was filming that episode of Minder.

I was handcuffed to Diana Quick. Mm.

Well, I'll be accompanied by the delightful Susan Random.

Susan Random, the journalist? I follow her on Twitter.

I plan to follow her myself, but not on Twitter. Just along a canal.

Excellent.Why are you dressed as the Man from Del-mon-tay?

It's for Kikini's imminent arrival. I see.

It's absolutely crucial that we make as little as possible

of the Bruce Forsyth thing. Of course.

DOORBELL That'll be her.

Remember, the whole Brucey thing is strictly off the agenda!

Most important! All right, Ed!

Ah! A canal poem by Susan Random!

"Dear Steven, my favourite place for water is in a long canal,

"Although it can be dark and wh-et, it never is banal."

Susan, that's beautiful.

Kikini, this is my flatmate, Steven Toast.

Nice to see you, to see you... nice.

Forgive that.

Ed did tell me that to mention any of your catchphrases was

strictly... strictly... strictly...

strictly, strictly, strictly... strictly,

SLOW MOTION: ..strictly, strictly...

Ooh!

You don't look, actually, anything like him.I might need a lie down.

Yes, Kikini, you've had a long journey.

Let me show you to your room. Out this way again, is it?

Shit!

It was as if I was in some kind of trance,

but she does look the spitting image of Bruce Forsyth.

And apparently, she hates him.

I thought I'd hate you before I met you.

Everyone said to me, "Steven Toast? What a cunt!"

But you're not.

You're really not.

Just a moment.

I'd often wondered how those things ended up in canals. Yes!

I'm the sort of person who dumps supermarket trolleys in canals.

I want to know everything about you.

THEY CHUCKLE

So, what will you have to drink?

I suppose there is... something I should tell you.

I'm not embarrassed about it, but I have to let you know.

I'm an alcoholic.

Brilliant! I mean, no-one drinks these days.

Let's get a bottle of whisky. No, Toast. I'm a recovering alcoholic.

I can't drink. Ever.

It ruined my life.

Well, look, it doesn't matter.

We'll get a bottle of whisky and I'll drink your half as well. Ha-ha!

If I was still drinking, I wouldn't just drink half a bottle! Me, too!

I'd drink the whole bottle. We have so much in common.

So, apart from throwing shopping trolleys in canals,

being an alcoholic, you seem refreshingly normal.

So what else should I know about you?

These things normally come in threes.

Oh, that's all my skeletons out the closet, Toast. I promise.

No more surprises.

I have to do that bloody awful play later, but I'll be free afterwards.

Now, I would invite you round to mine,

but we have that female Bruce Forsyth lookalike staying.

So...? So... is there any room at yours?

Oh, you mean for... sexy time? Well, I wouldn't...

I like sexy time. Great! I can supply my own sheets.

I do have one rule. I will not use extra safe ones. They're too thick

and I don't believe in putting in the extra effort. OK?

All good my end.Excellent! I'd love you to come back.

It's just my house is a little untidy.

Oh, sod it. I'll tidy up. Um...

Might need to spend a bit of time on it though. Um...

You could come round tomorrow night? I'm totally free. Excellent!

Just need to pop to the loo.

Ha-ha!

ALARM BEEPS

Aah!

Call you? Yes.

For a drink? Yes.

Yeah, I'll call you.

Come back to bed, Kikini. Look, I think I'm ready to go again.

Just making myself a small sandwich. Do you want one? Well... Uh... No.

I'm not going to say good night cos if I attempt to say anything,

it's just going to end up being one of Bruce Forsyth's catch phrases,

like, "I'm in charge!", or "Good game! Good game!",

or "Give us a twirl!"

So I'll just say nothing.

Oh, shit!

LOUD SCRAPING

HE MOUTHS

I think I'll have a shower.

Yes, of course.

What the hell are you playing at, Ed? I know. I'm not proud of myself.

It's just I've always been a big fan of Bruce.She's not Bruce Forsyth!

I'm aware how it looks.

The thing is, it's really made Kikini feel attractive again.What?!

I'm just trying to shift focus away from her looking like Brucie.

In fact, I think she may be beginning to quite like the idea.

For fuck's sake!

So, how are you getting on with Susan Random? Good.

I'm seeing her again tonight. Going back to her place.Really? Oh, yes!

Here we are.

Good God!

Follow me.

Right behind you.

Not as young as I was.

Ooh!

I guessed that these things normally come in threes. What do you mean?

Well, you appear to be one of those extreme hoarders I've seen

those TV programmes about.

It's just a little untidy.

Honestly, you should have seen what it was like before. Ooh!

What's wrong?

I think I'm stuck.

Oh.

I'm just going to change into something...

a little more comfortable, if that's OK.

Yes!

Don't go away.

HE GIGGLES Not much chance of that.

This may take... a little while.

Ah! Hee-hee!

Ooh, yes!

Mm! I see you're wearing a sports vest. Hmm!

Mm!

I would have thought you'd have got in by now.

If I could, I would. You're definitely stuck.

I should get help.

Where did I put my phone?

Oh, no! No, no!

ALARM BEEPS

Argh!

I thought you said you were going to ring me.

I think it may be... here.

Are you sleeping with this woman? Who is this person, Toast?

Her name's Jemima. I'm sorry. I don't know your full name.

Jemima Gina. Meet Susan Random.

Who is she? She's no-one. We went out for one night.

It's a bit more than that! It was a pretty serious relationship!

We were practically engaged! What the fuck are you talking about?

Is this true, Toast? Of course not! She's a dangerous criminal!

No, I'm not! Anyway, there's going to be a retrial. I'll get off.

Retrial for what? Murder! Attempted murder, thank you!

I don't know what to say, Toast. I thought we had so much in common.

I can't believe you're cheating on me.

You need to shut your mouth!

So how are we going to resolve this? I'm very fucking angry about this!

You keep beaks too!

Yes. I've got about 20 boxes of them.

SIRENS IN THE DISTANCE I adore beaks.

I really do. I frame mine. I've got them on the wall.

I must have several hundred.Oh! I just find them so fascinating.

So fragile.Noble.I love what you've done to the place.You're so sweet.

In the end They will always cheat on me

He's the same But he somehow wriggled free

I had high hopes I really thought we'd work

I'd found peace Now you've sucked my world berserk

You are mad And you'll get what comes to you

That sounds harsh But it pays to tell the truth

I did my best I like you, can't you see?

Now my world's started Closing in on me

Now my world's started Closing in on me

Now my world's started Closing in on me.

You know the rules, Jemima. Give me a ring, yeah?

Yeah?

KNOCKS ON WINDOW

We could go to a hotel.

Oh, I don't think so, Toast.

It's four o'clock in the morning. You should go home. Really?

Look, we should take a break from each other.

We've only known each other two days.

To be honest, Toast, I... think you're a little... weird.

I'm weird?!

You're an alcoholic, extreme hoarder,

supermarket-trolley-in-the-canal dumper.

However, very attractive.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Toast.

Sorry, Toast, to ring you at four o'clock in the morning,

but the award ceremony is on tonight. You are going, aren't you?

They're very keen that you appear. Yeah, I need cheering up. Good.

There's just one little thing.What?

Well, you know I said you'd won the award for best actor? Yeah.

Well, it's actually for worst actor. Sorry?

'It's actually for worst actor.'

It's a kind of... cheeky award they give out every year.

'I think the finer details must have been on the attachment'

and I don't normally read attachments.

There's been a change of plan.

I'm not fucking going to the award ceremony

and if this wasn't a mobile phone,

'I'd be hanging up on you right now.'

Hello?

Is everyone enjoying themselves tonight?

God, who's this prick?

And now, it's time to present the award for... worst actor.

And the winner is... Oh, very well deserved, mate! Steven Toast!

AUDIENCE BOOS

Heh-heh (!)All right, all right.

Unfortunately, Steven can't be with us tonight,

but he has sent a major celebrity to collect the award.

Please welcome Bruce Forsyth!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, thank you so much.

Yes, now, very sadly, Steven can't be with us this evening,

but I am so pleased to accept this wonderful award on his behalf.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Ha-ha!

It's very good of you to send Kikini to the awards, Toast.

She looks like she's having a tremendous time.

Let's have a toast, Toast.

Although I'm not sure we're supposed to be celebrating.

Who cares?

Didn't she do well!

THEY LAUGH

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