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Til Death Season03 Episode03

Til Death is filmed in front of live studio audience

eddie, wake up.

What is it? What's the matter?

I just had a nightmare.

Ok.

Come on.

Wha... what? What, honey? What is it?

Sorry. I just... i need you.

To...

to comfort me?

There, there.

- Sorry. Could I just have an ounce of sympathy? - Oh, god.

Come on. 12 seconds ago, i was

almost stabbed by a guy in a mock turtleneck.

Honey, here's something that will make you feel better.

You know how in real life when bad things happen to people

and they always say,"oh, god. I wish this was a dream.

I wish I could wake up". Well, you... you woke up.

You see, and I mean, there are people out there right now

who are getting stabbed for real.

And they... they would be jealous of you, see?

And you... you love when people are jealous of you, right?

So focus on that.

You're gonna tell me the dream, aren't you?

Ok, so...

there's a guy stabbing you with a turtle on his neck.

Yeah. It was totally realistic,

and you were there, and you were all buff and hot,

and I was totally into you, which didn't make a whole lot of sense,

and we were in a field in my old neighborhood where I grew up,

and there was the same swing set I used to play on

and this oak tree, and then suddenly,

we're in a barbershop...

really.

Mute.

Hey, there's my lovely bride.

Suck it, gumby.

You're still mad about last night?

Yes, i am.

Out of all the ways I've disappointed you in bed,

this is the one you're holding on to?

I was up all night.

I was so freaked out, i couldn't go back to sleep after my nightmare.

What was the nightmare about?

It was awful.

I don't really remember how it started exactly,

but I was in this field in the neighborhood I grew up in...

dear lord, not again.

It was exactly how I remember it...

the same park, the same trees,

and suddenly I'm in a barbershop.

Holy moly! Beef is on sale. I got to go.

Hey. How was school?

Not great.

Turns out when you fail a kid,

he ends up back in your class the next year.

A little bigger, a little hairier, a little angrier.

Listen, by the way,I'm sorry i bailed on you this morning

when joy was talking about her dream,

but I heard about it last night,

and about halfway through, i was hoping that the dream was real

and that the guy was stabbing me.

I liked hearing about her dream. It was interesting.

Oh, it's cool, man. She's not here.

No, man, i really enjoyed it.

It got us talking about a whole bunch of stuff, man...

her office gossip, this new energy bar she discovered,

my fear of birds.

Ok, so what you're saying is, you like listening to her?

Yeah. Don't you?

I... do not. No.

Look, don't get me wrong.

I love my wife, but after 23 years of marriage,

you know, if you take in every detail, your head will explode.

That's crazy, man. You have to listen to the ladies, man.

When I was married, i listened to everything my wife said.

That's why you're divorced.

So what do you do... just ignore her?

No. I'm classier than that.

See, the past few years, i have developed

the fine art of fake listening.

Mm-hmm. So were you fake listening when I opened my heart up

and told you my childhood dream?

What dream?

To be the first black man to walk on the moon.

And copyright the term afronaut?

Afronaut?

Doesn't ring a bell, no.

You're a cold dude, man.

So how do you fake listen anyway?

All right, look. Let's say I come home from a tough day at work, right?

I pick up a magazine. I start reading.

She comes in and she's all worked up

because, let's say, she can't believe

the mcrib is a seasonal item.

I keep reading. I give her a little "mm-hmm"

or a "is that right?" And I'm good to go.

Now, if she comes in and she's especially angry,

I'll give her a little eye contact

or a "how dare they?"

Hmm. I don't know, man.

That's a whole lot of effort to go through.

Wouldn't it be easier just to listen for real?

Well, we'll never know.

Hey, you're not gonna believe this.

They put a new stop sign on that corner.

You know, the one with the ugly house?

It absolutely creates a bottleneck

and adds minutes to my commute every day.

Is that right?

Yeah. I mean, there has not been a stop sign there

for, like,50 years, and it's been fine,

but now all of a sudden we need one.

How dare they?

Whatever. Who cares?

I mean, the truth is,

it's not really the commute that I'm upset about.

It's just the fact that I hate my job.

Is this about susan again?

Yes, yes. She is totally gonna get that promotion.

What? You've been there, like,5 years longer than her.

I know! And now I'm gonna have to deal with her at that party friday night.

If she wasn't sleeping her way through the company,

- she'd be out on her ass real quick. - Right.

Who books more cruises than you?

- Does she? - No.

You're damn right she doesn't.

Look at me. Look at me.

- I'm looking at you. - You are a star, joy.

You are a travel agent superstar.

I am a superstar.

You're damn right you are. Come on.

Let's go out and get a blended coffee and hash this whole thing out.

- Ok. That sounds great. - Let's go. Let's do this.

Joy invited me to her work party this friday.

It's this whole seventies theme.

We're going as j. R. And sue ellen ewing.

You cool with that?

Cool. I think it's beautiful.

It means I don't have to go.

Let me tell you something.

Ever since you became joy's new girlfriend...

i don't hear about anything anymore.

Nothing about work. Nothing about how she has to get new shoes.

It's unbelievable.

You know what she said to me last night?

"Hey, how you doing?" And "tomorrow's trash day."

That was it.

And then we had sex... wordless sex.

Oh, that's joy.

Hey, love bug.

What's the matter?

Yeah, he's here.

Ok.

She wants to talk with you.

Ok.

What's up, joy?

What? No, it's cool. I can talk.

But susan wasn't supposed to be in till thursday.

Oh, man!

You got to be kidding me, girl.

So what did you say back to that?

What... what... what's so funny?

What are we laughing at?

No, no,no. You showed me a picture.

Those are definitely fake.

All right. You ready to order?

Not yet. I'm waiting on my friend,

who's talking to my wife.

She didn't call him. She called me to talk to him,

but she's gonna talk to me after.

Well, that's... that's awesome.

He should be wrapping it up soon.

He's gonna, you know...

look, this is gonna be ok.

I'm sending you a big hug through the phone.

I'm gonna go bail him out.

All right. You know.

Hey, kenny.

Just one second.

Hold on. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

What do you want, man?

I want to see if she wants to talk to me.

You want to talk to eddie?

Bring home fish stick.

That's what I'm trying to tell you to do!

Don't let her do that to you.

Joy,I'm home!

Joy, joy.

"Eddie, we went to the party.

Hope you have a groovy evening.

Your fish sticks are in the freezer.

X0x0, k and j."

It's not k and j.

It's e and j.

I see what you're doing there.

That one didn't cook all the way through.

Oh, hello.

Hey,I've got a package for you.

Ok. So you probably want the old john hancock, huh?

On the electronic sign-in board.

Beam me up, scotty, you know what I'm saying?

Not really.

Could I have my board back?

Oh, sure, sure. Of course.

Hey, let me... let me ask you something.

Would you like to join me for some fish sticks?

You're inviting me in for fish sticks?

I figure a young lad like yourself

lugging around boxes all day,

a fish stick may just treat you right, huh?

Come on in, little fella.

I'm... I'm not sure it's allowed.

Hey, you didn't get where you are playing by the rules, huh?

- I didn't- - here, please.

I didn't catch your name, son.

Um, it's raj.

Raj.

Rrraj.

I like it. I like it.

So pants or shorts... how do you fellas make that call?

Um, it's usually pants in the winter and shorts in the summer.

That adds up. Yeah.

Go on.

You dream a lot, raj?

What do you mean?

I mean when you're sleeping, at night.

I don't know. Every now and then.

Every now and then. Fascinating.

Tell me about your dreams, raj.

I love me my dreams.

What the hell is going on?

We're just... we're just having a conversation,

that's all.

I'm going to go and eat the rest of this in my truck.

No, no,no, please. No, no,sit, sit.

Listen, raj, i know this seems weird,

but it's just that I'm a little lonely, you know?

I, uh,i miss my best friend and my wife.

Did you kill them?

No, no. Ok, see, here's the thing.

My best friend got divorced,

and now he lives in our house,

and my wife, she likes to yap yap,

and he's a better listener than me,

and there you got it, so...

maybe having someone to listen to the things you're not interested in

makes your wife feel good and takes the burden off you.

You see, raj, that is what I thought,

but then I just realized that i think I miss the yap yap.

You know what I should do?

Set me free?

They're at an office party right now.

I'm gonna go upstairs and freshen up

and get my wife back.

What are you doing here?

What am I doing here?

I think it's clear. I'm getting down.

Oh, look at susan.

She's flirting with the boss.

She's gonna sleep her way right into my promotion.

- She's out of control. - Yeah.

Did you hear what she said to troy?

No. What?

What's this? What's this about?

Is this about the thing with you, your work, and the people?

Because I am so with you.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about susan and the sleeping

and the promotion and the troy thing.

What do you think... when you're talking

i just sit there reading a magazine

and pretend to listen?

Ha ha ha! That is not how I roll, baby.

Oh! The robot!

Ooh! Baby?

Whew. Damn. She was my ride.

Ok. Who's responsible for this woman?

I am. Excuse me. I'm responsible.

All right, so I just need to ask you a few questions.

Sure. Fire away. I know everything there is to know about this lady.

I am the "guinness book of joy."

"Encyclopedia joytannica."

Ok.

What's her blood type?

I believe it's a-positive.

Does she have any allergies?

- No. - Penicillin.

Except penicillin, which is a... which is a big one.

Does... does she exercise regularly?

Pilates, tuesdays and thursdays.

See, that's not fair.

I wouldn't know that because i work during the day...

sir, sir, please. This is not a contest.

But if it were, you would lose.

All right. They're probably just going to want to run a few tests on her.

There's actually only room in the ambulance for one extra person.

So...

ok, pull.

Oh, bless you.

Now, could you just punch my thighs

till I get some color back into my toes?

What got into you tonight?

I don't know, joy.

I just don't like you sharing your hopes and dreams with kenny.

- I want you to share them with me. - No, you don't.

All right, i never did before,

but it... I learned a big lesson this week.

I missed you. I missed having all of you.

So please, tell me what's going on.

Let me into your life.

Ok.

I've been... I've been having this problem at work,

and, um,it started 6 months ago...

no, maybe it was, like, 7... 7 months ago.

I think it was... yeah, it must have been 7

because it was around the time of my birthday...

already I want to put my own eyes out.

- Are you kidding me? - No. No, honey...

i was knocked unconscious, and you still can't listen to me?

Honey, look, it's the way you tell a story.

You start way too early.

You said you had a problem at work.

Start with the problem at work.

Ok, you know what?

You don't have to listen to everything that I say.

And you don't have to give me really good advice.

There's just one thing that i want and need from you.

What?

If I have a bad dream or a really bad day at work,

i want you...

to put these enormous, genetically mutated arms around me

and hold me really tight.

And mean it.

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