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1
00:00:02,400 --> 00:00:04,600
The British people need someone to
look up to.
2
00:00:04,600 --> 00:00:06,080
They think you're ridiculous.
3
00:00:06,080 --> 00:00:09,240
If I'm so ridiculous, how come
I've got these medals?
4
00:00:09,240 --> 00:00:12,360
Give the people of Britain
a referendum...
5
00:00:12,360 --> 00:00:14,960
on the abolition of the monarchy.
6
00:00:14,960 --> 00:00:17,880
They all want you to be
the next king.
7
00:00:17,880 --> 00:00:19,360
Skip a generation!
8
00:00:19,360 --> 00:00:22,320
Let's put the wealth back into
the Commonwealth,
9
00:00:22,320 --> 00:00:26,080
and the gland back into Eng-gland.
10
00:00:26,080 --> 00:00:28,220
Those two haven't seen
the last of us.
11
00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:52,480
I can't believe the general public
don't want me to be king.
12
00:00:52,480 --> 00:00:56,320
What do you expect? To them you're
just a dithery bloke with big ears.
13
00:00:56,320 --> 00:00:58,920
Mick Jagger and Rod Stewart
think I'm great.
14
00:00:58,920 --> 00:01:00,560
Only because you gave them
knighthoods.
15
00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:02,240
That's totally irrelevant.
16
00:01:02,240 --> 00:01:05,520
They're anti-Establishment rebels
who don't give a fig for convention.
17
00:01:05,520 --> 00:01:07,160
Well, what do you think it's like
for me?
18
00:01:07,160 --> 00:01:09,320
I was going to rule this land with
an icy fist
19
00:01:09,320 --> 00:01:11,540
and plunge it into
an eternal winter.
20
00:01:13,360 --> 00:01:15,220
I've got my Christmas list
to finish.
21
00:01:18,400 --> 00:01:20,020
Out of the way, plebs!
22
00:01:21,560 --> 00:01:24,320
Rudolph the red-nosed
reindeer...
23
00:01:24,320 --> 00:01:25,480
Now, you did remember -
24
00:01:25,480 --> 00:01:28,240
joke presents for the adults,
proper presents for the kids?
25
00:01:28,240 --> 00:01:30,400
Oh, yes. That's why I got Camilla
this hat.
26
00:01:30,400 --> 00:01:32,760
Oh, she'll love it. And what have
you got baby Charlotte?
27
00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:35,160
A 16-bedroom mansion in Berkshire.
28
00:01:35,160 --> 00:01:36,100
Perfect.
29
00:01:39,960 --> 00:01:41,820
Look, Wills - it's your people.
30
00:01:43,720 --> 00:01:44,920
Hi, guys.
31
00:01:44,920 --> 00:01:46,920
Merry Christmas. You're so normal,
32
00:01:46,920 --> 00:01:49,040
despite being inherently better
than us!
33
00:01:49,040 --> 00:01:51,920
Of course. We're just like you.
34
00:01:51,920 --> 00:01:54,680
Now, do you have a present for us?
35
00:01:54,680 --> 00:01:58,240
This is Westminster Abbey. I made it
entirely out of matchsticks.
36
00:01:58,240 --> 00:01:59,720
Oh, it's wonderful. Ooh!
37
00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:01,200
Sorry.
38
00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:03,360
That's all right,
Your Royal Highness.
39
00:02:03,360 --> 00:02:05,860
I'll make you another.
No, I like this one.
40
00:02:09,200 --> 00:02:11,340
Here we are - Sandringham.
41
00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:15,180
Never quite as Christmassy
as I remember it.
42
00:02:22,720 --> 00:02:24,960
Who is there,
and state your business?
43
00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:27,200
It's us, Auntie Anne -
Wills and Kate.
44
00:02:27,200 --> 00:02:28,520
We've come for Christmas!
45
00:02:28,520 --> 00:02:29,460
Have you?
46
00:02:34,280 --> 00:02:36,080
Auntie Anne?
47
00:02:36,080 --> 00:02:42,140
It's the most wonderful time
of the year...
48
00:02:42,720 --> 00:02:44,200
So good to be here.
49
00:02:44,200 --> 00:02:46,440
I can't remember the last time
we had a break.
50
00:02:46,440 --> 00:02:49,080
I think it was six days ago
in Mustique.
51
00:02:49,080 --> 00:02:51,920
We've got everything we need to make
this the best Christmas ever.
52
00:02:51,920 --> 00:02:54,840
Except one thing, Eugenie - Daddy.
53
00:02:54,840 --> 00:02:57,640
Leave it out, Bea. We've got no way
of getting hold of him.
54
00:02:57,640 --> 00:02:59,600
I sent him a letter.
Addressed to where?
55
00:02:59,600 --> 00:03:02,200
All the countries on Amnesty's
abuse of human rights letters.
56
00:03:02,200 --> 00:03:03,400
That's brilliant.
57
00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:05,460
Mummy!
58
00:03:08,080 --> 00:03:09,400
Hello, girls.
59
00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:13,200
Oh, girls, wasn't it nice of Charles
to invite me this year?
60
00:03:13,200 --> 00:03:15,800
He's probably seen the quiet dignity
you use to flog your juicers
61
00:03:15,800 --> 00:03:17,120
on the shopping channel.
62
00:03:17,120 --> 00:03:20,440
Yes, and finally realised I'm not
trading on my royal connections
63
00:03:20,440 --> 00:03:23,280
with my Duchess of York
Right Royal Juicer.
64
00:03:23,280 --> 00:03:25,040
"Make every breakfast
fit for a queen."
65
00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:27,560
Oh, Mummy, if you hadn't married
into the royal family,
66
00:03:27,560 --> 00:03:29,840
you'd probably be a top-flight
businesswoman
67
00:03:29,840 --> 00:03:32,560
with your own
international cooperation by now.
68
00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:36,080
No, girls, YOU'LL be the ones to
smash through the glass ceiling,
69
00:03:36,080 --> 00:03:37,140
for all women.
70
00:03:38,211 --> 00:03:39,440
Oh, no!
71
00:03:39,440 --> 00:03:40,900
I forgot my hair straighteners!
72
00:03:53,160 --> 00:03:54,100
Anne!
73
00:03:55,280 --> 00:03:58,840
Got the tree up?
Shall I put a few more baubles on?
74
00:03:58,840 --> 00:04:00,220
It's already fully decorated.
75
00:04:02,358 --> 00:04:04,320
The Queen isn't here this year,
Catherine, so...
76
00:04:04,320 --> 00:04:07,720
Anne, as I said before, please,
call me Kate - it's friendlier.
77
00:04:07,720 --> 00:04:11,280
Yes, I recall the conversation well,
Catherine.
78
00:04:11,280 --> 00:04:14,040
Now, the Queen isn't here this year
so Camilla...
79
00:04:14,040 --> 00:04:15,600
Yes, I know about the Queen,
80
00:04:15,600 --> 00:04:17,840
which is why I thought I might
run things this year.
81
00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:20,960
What's all this? Yes, that's right.
82
00:04:20,986 --> 00:04:23,180
You deserve a rest at your age.
83
00:04:25,520 --> 00:04:28,560
Forgive me, Kate. Do you really
think your gypsy heritage
84
00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:30,880
equips you for a task of this size?
85
00:04:30,880 --> 00:04:33,000
Christmas lunch at Sandringham
isn't the same as
86
00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:35,160
frying up a squirrel
on a caravan stove.
87
00:04:35,160 --> 00:04:38,440
I'll manage. Don't forget, my
family's business is party planning.
88
00:04:38,440 --> 00:04:40,040
No, I'll never forget that.
89
00:04:40,040 --> 00:04:41,660
Well, that's settled, then.
90
00:04:43,407 --> 00:04:45,400
You know, you SHOULD be in charge.
91
00:04:45,400 --> 00:04:48,360
And, as such,
you should have the choicest room -
92
00:04:48,360 --> 00:04:50,040
the Queen Mother's suite.
93
00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:51,560
But that room is... Anne,
94
00:04:51,560 --> 00:04:53,320
she wants to be mistress this year
95
00:04:53,320 --> 00:04:55,400
so she should have
the mistress's room.
96
00:04:55,400 --> 00:04:57,920
Well, maybe that does make sense,
because I'm going to make
97
00:04:57,920 --> 00:05:00,680
this Christmas the jolliest one
Sandringham has ever seen.
98
00:05:00,680 --> 00:05:04,680
And with Anne to help you,
I'm almost certain you'll succeed.
99
00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:11,800
What are you doing here?
100
00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:13,280
You said I could come.
101
00:05:13,280 --> 00:05:14,560
Not to the house!
102
00:05:14,560 --> 00:05:17,440
Do you really think I'd have YOU
in the house?
103
00:05:17,440 --> 00:05:19,440
You? In the house?
104
00:05:19,440 --> 00:05:21,200
But I brought you a juicer.
105
00:05:21,200 --> 00:05:24,480
If I'd wanted a juicer, don't you
think I'd have bought it myself?
106
00:05:24,480 --> 00:05:27,280
Have you no idea
how much money I've got?
107
00:05:27,280 --> 00:05:29,020
Where are the girls and I
going to stay?
108
00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:31,220
In the stables.
109
00:05:40,780 --> 00:05:42,560
This is a bit odd.
110
00:05:42,560 --> 00:05:46,560
Oh, my God, Harry, this isn't a
celebrity charity auction at all!
111
00:05:46,840 --> 00:05:48,480
This is a soup kitchen.
112
00:05:48,480 --> 00:05:51,600
No, I don't know.
Isn't that Bob Geldof?
113
00:05:51,600 --> 00:05:54,400
Your Highness, thanks so much for
coming down.
114
00:05:54,400 --> 00:05:56,280
It'll mean so much to the guys.
115
00:05:56,280 --> 00:05:57,700
Let's get you a ladle.
116
00:05:59,640 --> 00:06:01,760
They actually think we're going to
serve soup!
117
00:06:01,760 --> 00:06:06,083
It's... Yeah, no, sorry,
we've got to go, because...
118
00:06:08,320 --> 00:06:10,300
..we've got to go. Oh.
119
00:06:17,240 --> 00:06:18,920
Well, we could stay for an hour.
120
00:06:18,920 --> 00:06:20,460
So, who are you?
121
00:06:20,460 --> 00:06:22,940
I'm Ellie. Ellie Goulding.
122
00:06:33,880 --> 00:06:36,080
What ARE you doing?!
123
00:06:36,080 --> 00:06:38,040
No fires to be lit till
after six o'clock.
124
00:06:38,040 --> 00:06:39,760
Just thought I'd warm the place up
a bit.
125
00:06:39,760 --> 00:06:43,760
If you're cold, I suggest you wear
these - Prince Albert's long johns.
126
00:06:49,240 --> 00:06:51,400
So, where are Gran and Grandad
this year?
127
00:06:51,400 --> 00:06:53,780
There's a card from Grandpapa
on the mantelpiece.
128
00:06:55,840 --> 00:06:57,000
"Dear fuckers,
129
00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:58,520
"It's too bastard cold.
130
00:06:58,520 --> 00:07:01,760
"We've fucked off to that Polynesian
island where I'm worshipped as a god.
131
00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:04,760
"If anything comes up, say I've got
another urinary tract infection.
132
00:07:04,760 --> 00:07:06,100
"Fuck off. Grandad."
133
00:07:08,600 --> 00:07:12,520
Look, Dad, I'm sorry they made me
the next in line instead of you,
134
00:07:12,520 --> 00:07:15,320
but it was a referendum and we must
respect the public's decision.
135
00:07:15,320 --> 00:07:19,700
The public voted Angels by Robbie
Williams as the best song of all time -
136
00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:21,760
what does that say about the public?
137
00:07:21,760 --> 00:07:23,480
They're cretins - that's what!
138
00:07:23,480 --> 00:07:26,200
They are not! Take
the recent EU referendum.
139
00:07:26,200 --> 00:07:29,240
The great British public considered
the question from every angle -
140
00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:31,720
the loss in GDP, the decline
in overseas investment,
141
00:07:31,720 --> 00:07:33,000
the collapse in sterling.
142
00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:35,960
They didn't just say, "We don't like
Polish people," and vote to leave.
143
00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:38,000
Well, everyone in the village wants
me to be king.
144
00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:39,040
You own that village.
145
00:07:39,040 --> 00:07:40,780
Technically you still
have the medieval right
146
00:07:40,780 --> 00:07:43,740
to have sex with any woman there.
Yes...technically.
147
00:07:45,320 --> 00:07:47,400
Give me one good reason
why I shouldn't be king.
148
00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:51,160
All right, you're arrogant,
you're self-absorbed,
149
00:07:51,160 --> 00:07:52,320
and you never listen.
150
00:07:52,320 --> 00:07:54,720
So you're saying I'm too handsome
to be king?
151
00:07:54,720 --> 00:07:56,640
No, you never listen!
152
00:07:56,640 --> 00:07:59,360
The people didn't want you,
they wanted me -
153
00:07:59,360 --> 00:08:01,120
someone modern and in touch.
154
00:08:01,120 --> 00:08:03,160
I am in touch!
155
00:08:05,260 --> 00:08:07,020
I'm going to listen to The Goons.
156
00:08:10,566 --> 00:08:11,560
George III!
157
00:08:11,560 --> 00:08:13,920
Yes! Do you like my wig?
158
00:08:13,920 --> 00:08:15,280
Um, yeah.
159
00:08:15,280 --> 00:08:17,680
I don't think it's very convincing,
160
00:08:17,680 --> 00:08:20,720
but I am also the ghost of Christmas
past and I'm here to show you
161
00:08:20,720 --> 00:08:22,960
that your father should be king.
162
00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:25,720
I can't let Dad be king -
he's too flawed.
163
00:08:25,720 --> 00:08:28,560
Well, we all are,
to a certain extent - even me.
164
00:08:28,560 --> 00:08:31,040
Oh, yeah, you're the king
who lost America, aren't you?
165
00:08:31,040 --> 00:08:34,800
That's right. It's a very backward
little country.
166
00:08:34,800 --> 00:08:36,480
Nothing ever came of it, did it?
167
00:08:36,480 --> 00:08:38,200
No, no, not really.
168
00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:40,060
Good. Now...
169
00:08:41,280 --> 00:08:45,280
..let us pay a visit to your
father's Christmas past.
170
00:08:52,440 --> 00:08:53,680
Stop it, both of you.
171
00:08:53,680 --> 00:08:55,960
Dad? Dad!
172
00:08:55,960 --> 00:08:57,440
I'm afraid he can't hear you.
173
00:08:57,440 --> 00:09:01,320
What on earth's this about? He said
I'd never make it as a show-jumper!
174
00:09:01,320 --> 00:09:05,320
And she said I'd never make it as a
semi-respectable businessman!
175
00:09:05,320 --> 00:09:07,800
You'll both make it in your
respective fields.
176
00:09:07,800 --> 00:09:10,440
That's why I've baked you
these organic biscuits.
177
00:09:10,440 --> 00:09:13,480
Anne, yours is in the shape
of a pony. Ooh!
178
00:09:13,480 --> 00:09:17,060
Andrew, yours is a surface-to-air
missile system.
179
00:09:19,800 --> 00:09:21,520
Now, shake hands.
180
00:09:21,520 --> 00:09:24,680
So he wasn't arrogant or self-absorbed,
and he did listen to people?
181
00:09:24,680 --> 00:09:28,000
What happened?
You're about to find out.
182
00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:30,640
Why are you still here,
you jug-eared loser?
183
00:09:30,640 --> 00:09:31,460
Daddy!
184
00:09:33,480 --> 00:09:35,320
The bus to Gordonstoun is here.
185
00:09:35,320 --> 00:09:36,540
Now, get on it!
186
00:09:38,280 --> 00:09:39,300
Goodbye, old friend.
187
00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:44,320
You see, it was Gordonstoun that,
er...
188
00:09:44,320 --> 00:09:46,840
What's the phrase? It's on the tip
of my tongue...
189
00:09:46,840 --> 00:09:48,360
Fucked him up. It's very sad,
190
00:09:48,360 --> 00:09:50,440
but it doesn't mean he's going to
make a good king.
191
00:09:50,440 --> 00:09:53,240
But all those excellent qualities
are still there.
192
00:09:53,240 --> 00:09:55,240
Then why did the people choose me?
193
00:09:55,240 --> 00:09:58,160
And are you really the best judge?
You were mad for ten years.
194
00:09:58,160 --> 00:10:01,840
Yes, but I'm not mad now, as my
physician will no doubt tell you.
195
00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:03,480
Um, there's no physician there.
196
00:10:03,480 --> 00:10:08,014
If I had a shilling for every time
someone said that to me...
197
00:10:08,040 --> 00:10:09,060
Good luck.
198
00:10:17,440 --> 00:10:19,680
Come on, girls. It's not that bad.
199
00:10:19,680 --> 00:10:22,040
We can make Christmas decorations
out of straw.
200
00:10:22,040 --> 00:10:23,160
Any news from Dad?
201
00:10:23,160 --> 00:10:26,840
Girls, you know that Christmas is an
international arms dealer's busiest time.
202
00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:30,080
It'd take a miracle
to get him here now.
203
00:10:30,080 --> 00:10:32,320
There is one more thing we could do.
204
00:10:32,320 --> 00:10:35,880
Release a song online called
Daddy, Come Home For Christmas.
205
00:10:35,880 --> 00:10:37,180
I've already written it.
206
00:10:38,939 --> 00:10:40,140
This is good, Bea.
207
00:10:41,560 --> 00:10:42,800
Really good.
208
00:10:56,200 --> 00:10:58,020
Christmas!
209
00:11:31,032 --> 00:11:33,420
And...upload.
210
00:11:34,120 --> 00:11:36,180
Gosh, that was Christmassy.
211
00:11:47,186 --> 00:11:49,540
Did you touch this? I was cold.
212
00:11:50,760 --> 00:11:52,540
22 degrees?
213
00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:56,440
This is the master thermostat
for the whole of Sandringham
214
00:11:56,440 --> 00:11:58,920
and it's never been set above
nine degrees, ever.
215
00:11:58,920 --> 00:12:02,360
But in the outside world, 22 degrees
is just room temperature.
216
00:12:02,360 --> 00:12:05,080
I've no interest in
the outside world.
217
00:12:05,080 --> 00:12:06,800
Now, I'll trouble you
for your clothes.
218
00:12:06,800 --> 00:12:08,320
What? For the incinerator.
219
00:12:08,320 --> 00:12:09,261
It's all written down.
220
00:12:10,418 --> 00:12:11,480
But why is it in German?
221
00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:13,240
Because we ARE German.
222
00:12:13,240 --> 00:12:16,400
Each outfit to be worn
to one event only.
223
00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:20,080
But why? Because the Queen Mother
willed it.
224
00:12:20,080 --> 00:12:24,080
I see. Well, my minibus of clothes
is arriving any minute.
225
00:12:25,346 --> 00:12:26,500
I'll get changed, then.
226
00:12:35,680 --> 00:12:38,840
This is the Queen Mother's room,
exactly as she left it.
227
00:12:38,840 --> 00:12:40,780
Nothing must be disturbed.
228
00:12:42,980 --> 00:12:44,440
The cocktail shaker.
229
00:12:44,440 --> 00:12:48,400
On quiet nights, I almost think
I can hear her mixing a gin martini
230
00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:51,040
and then ten minutes later
stumbling into something.
231
00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:52,640
She sounds like a wonderful woman.
232
00:12:52,640 --> 00:12:54,040
Oh, she was.
233
00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:55,760
Just think what she could have
achieved
234
00:12:55,760 --> 00:12:58,160
had she not been taken from us
far too soon
235
00:12:58,160 --> 00:12:59,500
at just 101.
236
00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:02,500
I'll take these to the incinerator.
237
00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:08,480
Bad news, I'm afraid.
238
00:13:08,480 --> 00:13:11,000
Your minibus of clothes
seems to have crashed into
239
00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:12,600
a propane gas tanker.
240
00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:15,200
Quite the inferno -
there's nothing left.
241
00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:17,960
Goodness! Is the driver all right?
242
00:13:17,960 --> 00:13:20,080
I didn't ask. The point is,
243
00:13:20,080 --> 00:13:22,560
you've got nothing to wear for the
lunch you're serving
244
00:13:22,560 --> 00:13:24,200
in less than an hour.
245
00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:26,360
I should stop Anne from incinerating
my last dress.
246
00:13:26,360 --> 00:13:30,820
No. Incinerating clothes is one of
Anne's few pleasures.
247
00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:32,980
Good luck.
248
00:13:34,840 --> 00:13:36,700
I'm sure you'll cook up a storm.
249
00:13:46,020 --> 00:13:47,360
I wonder what's taking Kate so long.
250
00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:49,960
Yes, I hope it's not proving
too much.
251
00:13:49,960 --> 00:13:52,280
But she was so keen to cook.
252
00:13:52,280 --> 00:13:56,780
If only it was something more in her
skill set, like fortune-telling.
253
00:13:57,360 --> 00:13:58,620
Not late, am I?
254
00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:02,560
That's a...different sort of dress.
255
00:14:02,560 --> 00:14:04,180
I made it from the curtains.
256
00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:07,400
Those are the Queen Mother's
favourite curtains.
257
00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:08,840
No-one has favourite curtains.
258
00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:11,160
SHE did. She had a lot of time on
her hands.
259
00:14:11,160 --> 00:14:14,480
Well, I, for one,
think Kate looks wonderful.
260
00:14:14,480 --> 00:14:15,920
Really? Yes.
261
00:14:15,920 --> 00:14:18,200
Certainly not like someone who's
about to break down
262
00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:20,820
more spectacularly
than British Home Stores.
263
00:14:21,800 --> 00:14:24,260
There's something burning.
The lunch!
264
00:14:44,300 --> 00:14:47,740
It's so satisfying,
putting something back.
265
00:14:47,740 --> 00:14:51,740
Yeah. So I've decided to take time
away from the music industry.
266
00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:55,200
Just as well, really, cos
your career's in the shitter.
267
00:14:55,200 --> 00:14:56,560
Harry, we should go.
268
00:14:56,560 --> 00:14:58,120
I'll stay.
269
00:14:58,120 --> 00:15:00,200
Pippa's not as into charity as I am.
270
00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:03,320
Yes, I am. Why do you think I
do all those triathlons?
271
00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:05,060
To keep your bum in shape
and meet fit blokes.
272
00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:09,040
My boyfriend's joking, of course.
273
00:15:09,040 --> 00:15:12,300
I say boyfriend, I mean fiance.
274
00:15:12,300 --> 00:15:16,860
Oh, now I recognise you,
you're Pippa Middleton.
275
00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:22,020
It must be great having a sister
like Kate, so kind and pretty.
276
00:15:22,020 --> 00:15:23,680
Oh, Pippa's sort of pretty.
277
00:15:23,680 --> 00:15:24,720
What?!
278
00:15:24,720 --> 00:15:26,800
Well, you're more sexy, aren't you?
279
00:15:26,800 --> 00:15:28,600
And you look a bit dirty.
280
00:15:28,600 --> 00:15:30,320
Do you want your Christmas bonus?
281
00:15:30,320 --> 00:15:31,760
Right, jobs -
282
00:15:31,760 --> 00:15:34,000
Harry, let's have
you serving the food.
283
00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:35,840
Oh, awesome. And Pippa,
284
00:15:35,840 --> 00:15:38,440
would you mind emptying
the chemical toilets
285
00:15:38,440 --> 00:15:40,160
and giving them a bit of a scrub?
286
00:15:40,160 --> 00:15:41,240
You fucking what?
287
00:15:41,240 --> 00:15:44,160
Yes, it's just these
guys can be a bit gung ho
288
00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:46,220
when it comes to using the toilet.
289
00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:48,180
Bless them.
290
00:15:57,120 --> 00:15:58,160
How are you getting on?
291
00:15:58,160 --> 00:15:59,880
Badly. Where are all the servants?
292
00:15:59,880 --> 00:16:03,680
Oh, I thought you wanted to do it
all on your own so I sent them home.
293
00:16:03,680 --> 00:16:06,860
I could fetch them back but
by now they'll be...
294
00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:09,240
very drunk.
295
00:16:09,240 --> 00:16:11,320
Why isn't there even a dishwasher?
296
00:16:11,320 --> 00:16:12,300
Anne would never allow it.
297
00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:15,620
She has electromagnetic
hypersensitivity.
298
00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:18,320
Sometimes I think you don't
want me to make this
299
00:16:18,320 --> 00:16:19,760
the best Christmas ever.
300
00:16:19,760 --> 00:16:23,640
Kate, you're sounding a
little paranoid.
301
00:16:23,640 --> 00:16:25,040
We're family.
302
00:16:25,040 --> 00:16:26,680
Yes, I suppose.
303
00:16:26,680 --> 00:16:28,240
That's better.
304
00:16:28,240 --> 00:16:30,320
Now, what are you serving
the carollers tonight?
305
00:16:30,320 --> 00:16:32,220
Carollers?!
Yes, it's on the list.
306
00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:35,880
The lumpen oafs from the village
come a-carolling every Christmas Eve
307
00:16:35,880 --> 00:16:39,220
and we served them mince pies
and pastries and samosas -
308
00:16:40,080 --> 00:16:41,360
anything beige, really.
309
00:16:41,360 --> 00:16:42,780
But I just haven't got the time.
310
00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:45,380
Why don't you look under there?
311
00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:48,260
There might be something
that can help.
312
00:16:49,539 --> 00:16:52,580
Oh, and of course you will
need another outfit.
313
00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:54,940
Good luck.
314
00:16:57,200 --> 00:16:57,620
Ah!
315
00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:03,920
So, Harry, what are you
up to tomorrow?
316
00:17:03,920 --> 00:17:04,960
Erm.
317
00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:06,120
With the rellies.
318
00:17:06,120 --> 00:17:10,120
You know, I used to love Christmas
Day but I keep getting clothes now.
319
00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:11,540
It used to be toys.
320
00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:15,280
You? The council won't let us
use this site tomorrow.
321
00:17:15,280 --> 00:17:17,640
I've just got to find somewhere
for these guys to eat.
322
00:17:17,640 --> 00:17:19,240
Well, bring them to ours.
323
00:17:19,240 --> 00:17:21,480
What?! Well, I wouldn't
want to impose.
324
00:17:21,480 --> 00:17:23,200
Yes, that's a terrible idea.
325
00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:24,400
You wouldn't be imposing.
326
00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:25,500
I insist.
327
00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:31,780
Guys, how does Christmas lunch
with the royal family sound?
328
00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:33,180
Hey-hey!
329
00:17:33,180 --> 00:17:34,960
God bless the house of Windsor.
330
00:17:34,960 --> 00:17:35,980
That's settled, then.
331
00:17:37,600 --> 00:17:40,860
Oh, and Pippa, I made you
a nice cup of Rosie Lee.
332
00:17:41,920 --> 00:17:43,400
I know what you're doing, Ellie,
333
00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:46,200
because I've done it before
and twice as well,
334
00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:49,160
so you can take
your cup of Rosie Lee
335
00:17:49,160 --> 00:17:51,140
and shove it up your arse.
336
00:17:55,040 --> 00:17:57,300
12 words. It's a book.
337
00:17:58,920 --> 00:18:01,520
First word 'the'. The Royal Society
of British Architects' Guide
338
00:18:01,520 --> 00:18:03,560
To Traditional Neoclassical
Architecture.
339
00:18:03,560 --> 00:18:05,000
How did you get that?
340
00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:07,120
Wild stab in the dark.
341
00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:08,880
Hello. Uncle Edward!
342
00:18:08,880 --> 00:18:11,400
And you've come dressed as Father
Christmas for the children.
343
00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:13,600
Oh, no, no, I've come
straight from work.
344
00:18:13,600 --> 00:18:16,240
I'm Santa at Debenhams, King's Lynn.
345
00:18:16,240 --> 00:18:18,880
Good for you. God, I'm really
looking forward to Christmas.
346
00:18:18,880 --> 00:18:20,560
I haven't eaten for two days.
347
00:18:20,560 --> 00:18:21,640
What?
348
00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:23,160
I mean, since breakfast.
349
00:18:23,160 --> 00:18:24,800
Edward, we're playing charades.
350
00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:26,100
Yes, please!
351
00:18:27,760 --> 00:18:29,160
So it's true.
352
00:18:29,160 --> 00:18:31,400
You are playing charades.
353
00:18:31,400 --> 00:18:33,640
I'm the only one in this family
who ever does any work.
354
00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:36,160
Well, perhaps if you had a bit of
fun occasionally, you wouldn't
355
00:18:36,160 --> 00:18:39,200
turn up to all your engagements
with a face like a slapped arse.
356
00:18:39,200 --> 00:18:40,240
As you well know,
357
00:18:40,240 --> 00:18:44,660
my face looks like a slapped arse as
a result of a miserable personality.
358
00:18:45,120 --> 00:18:47,640
Besides, being a royal isn't
supposed to be fun.
359
00:18:47,640 --> 00:18:49,200
But weren't you on
A Question Of Sport?
360
00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:50,760
Well, look where that led.
361
00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:54,760
Emlyn Hughes touched me
inappropriately.
362
00:18:54,980 --> 00:18:58,120
Imagine, a common
defensive midfielder
363
00:18:58,120 --> 00:19:01,600
touching me, the Princess Royal.
364
00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:04,660
But even now, I can't
stop thinking about him.
365
00:19:06,120 --> 00:19:08,180
No charades.
366
00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:15,120
Not to worry. Let's go for a walk.
367
00:19:15,120 --> 00:19:18,280
I'll tell you about the time Roger
Federer said I was the best tennis
368
00:19:18,280 --> 00:19:20,200
player in the world. Wow.
369
00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:22,560
Not in so many words,
but it's what he was thinking.
370
00:19:24,440 --> 00:19:25,480
George III.
371
00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:28,680
That's right. You named your
little boy George, didn't you?
372
00:19:28,680 --> 00:19:31,880
Was that after me? Actually we
named him after George Clooney.
373
00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:33,360
We both really liked Ocean's Twelve.
374
00:19:33,360 --> 00:19:35,440
Oh. But I'm glad you're here.
375
00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:37,640
I still don't think Dad would
make a better king than me.
376
00:19:37,640 --> 00:19:39,800
Well, you're not looking
hard enough.
377
00:19:39,800 --> 00:19:41,782
He just said he was the best tennis
player in the world.
378
00:19:44,160 --> 00:19:47,800
Right, I think it's time you took
a look at your father's Christmas
379
00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:49,460
future, young man.
380
00:19:52,520 --> 00:19:53,640
Where are we?
381
00:19:53,640 --> 00:19:56,040
The Big Brother Diary Room.
382
00:19:56,040 --> 00:19:58,360
See how the years have ravaged him.
383
00:19:58,360 --> 00:20:01,360
It's like a ploughman has taken a
team of oxen and a harrow
384
00:20:01,360 --> 00:20:02,520
to his face.
385
00:20:02,520 --> 00:20:05,720
I feel like Brian Harvey's trying
to exclude me from the group
386
00:20:05,720 --> 00:20:08,840
because he thinks I fancy
Kimberley Walsh.
387
00:20:08,840 --> 00:20:10,040
But we're just friends.
388
00:20:10,040 --> 00:20:12,480
And how does that
make you feel, Prince Charles?
389
00:20:12,480 --> 00:20:14,960
Pretty gloomy, actually.
390
00:20:14,960 --> 00:20:16,600
We're living in
each other's pockets.
391
00:20:17,700 --> 00:20:18,840
Why's he in here?
392
00:20:18,840 --> 00:20:20,960
It's the only way he can
make a living.
393
00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:23,240
In the future,
he's just a minor royal.
394
00:20:23,240 --> 00:20:25,520
Prince Charles,
your nominations, please.
395
00:20:25,520 --> 00:20:26,620
I hate to do this.
396
00:20:28,120 --> 00:20:28,780
Duffy...
397
00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:31,220
and Martin Amis.
398
00:20:31,980 --> 00:20:33,460
Even if his future is horrible,
399
00:20:33,460 --> 00:20:35,740
it doesn't mean he has the first
idea about people's needs
400
00:20:35,740 --> 00:20:36,980
and aspirations.
401
00:20:36,980 --> 00:20:40,980
Really? So why, when you were young,
do you think that he baked you this?
402
00:20:42,020 --> 00:20:43,980
The helicopter-shaped
Cornish biscuit!
403
00:20:46,260 --> 00:20:47,180
I remember.
404
00:20:51,180 --> 00:20:52,020
George III?
405
00:20:55,700 --> 00:20:56,900
Girls,
406
00:20:56,900 --> 00:20:59,540
which dress do you think I should
wear for Christmas Eve supper?
407
00:20:59,540 --> 00:21:01,620
It doesn't matter, does it, Mummy?
408
00:21:01,620 --> 00:21:03,340
We're not invited.
409
00:21:03,340 --> 00:21:05,740
We're eating assorted grains
out of a bucket.
410
00:21:05,740 --> 00:21:07,700
Daddy would never have
stood for this.
411
00:21:07,700 --> 00:21:11,660
Do you think it's possible
our song was shit?
412
00:21:11,660 --> 00:21:14,780
Ahead of its time, maybe, but shit?
413
00:21:14,780 --> 00:21:17,620
No. Getting a bit cold,
isn't it, girls?
414
00:21:21,180 --> 00:21:22,420
What's that?
415
00:21:22,420 --> 00:21:23,580
It's a helicopter.
416
00:21:25,020 --> 00:21:26,580
Bea...look.
417
00:21:27,540 --> 00:21:28,820
It's Pa!
418
00:21:28,820 --> 00:21:30,940
Happy Christmas, everyone.
419
00:21:32,180 --> 00:21:34,180
You're number one in
Azerbaijan, by the way.
420
00:21:34,180 --> 00:21:35,860
Amazeballs!
421
00:21:35,860 --> 00:21:37,580
And this is for you.
422
00:21:39,340 --> 00:21:41,140
Well, open it, you silly moo.
423
00:21:41,780 --> 00:21:42,460
All right.
424
00:21:46,060 --> 00:21:47,420
It's a joke.
425
00:21:47,420 --> 00:21:51,020
Oh, yeah, it's really funny, Andy.
426
00:21:52,020 --> 00:21:55,740
It's all right now, girls,
Mummy's eyesight's coming back.
427
00:21:55,740 --> 00:21:57,740
Who's coming out with me
to the big house, then?
428
00:21:57,740 --> 00:21:59,380
Yeah!
429
00:21:59,380 --> 00:22:02,140
It's a Christmas miracle.
430
00:22:07,180 --> 00:22:09,180
Dad, I've got you a present.
431
00:22:17,380 --> 00:22:18,740
Is this a joke?
432
00:22:18,740 --> 00:22:19,860
No.
433
00:22:19,860 --> 00:22:21,900
It's your Prince of Wales crown.
434
00:22:21,900 --> 00:22:24,460
Papa, I want you to be the next
in line again.
435
00:22:24,460 --> 00:22:26,180
So it's me first
436
00:22:26,180 --> 00:22:28,140
and then you?
Just like it should be.
437
00:22:28,140 --> 00:22:29,100
Oh, my boy.
438
00:22:30,180 --> 00:22:32,300
This is the best present
a chap could have.
439
00:22:33,460 --> 00:22:34,820
I love you, Dad.
440
00:22:37,380 --> 00:22:39,140
So what made you change your mind?
441
00:22:39,140 --> 00:22:40,580
Pity. Oh.
442
00:22:41,300 --> 00:22:43,820
And this biscuit. Oh.
443
00:22:43,820 --> 00:22:45,220
But mainly pity. Oh.
444
00:22:46,180 --> 00:22:46,900
Still.
445
00:22:48,380 --> 00:22:51,300
My precious.
446
00:22:51,300 --> 00:22:55,300
My precious!
447
00:22:57,979 --> 00:22:58,700
Oh.
448
00:22:59,820 --> 00:23:00,860
It's you.
449
00:23:00,860 --> 00:23:02,940
Kate, the carollers are here.
450
00:23:02,940 --> 00:23:05,540
God, I haven't been here in years.
451
00:23:06,540 --> 00:23:08,420
Charles won't mind me being
here, will he?
452
00:23:09,940 --> 00:23:10,980
Fergie.
453
00:23:10,980 --> 00:23:12,780
Now look here, Charlie boy...
454
00:23:12,780 --> 00:23:15,620
Merry Christmas, one and all!
Way-hay!
455
00:23:15,620 --> 00:23:18,580
# Deck the halls with
boughs of holly
456
00:23:18,580 --> 00:23:21,340
# Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la la-la
457
00:23:21,340 --> 00:23:22,660
'Tis the season to be jolly...
458
00:23:22,660 --> 00:23:25,580
Who says Christmas at Sandringham
can't be fun?
459
00:23:25,580 --> 00:23:28,500
And we're number one in Azerbaijan!
460
00:23:28,500 --> 00:23:32,020
Hey-hey! Happy Christmas!
461
00:23:34,460 --> 00:23:36,020
Is that a shower curtain?
462
00:23:36,020 --> 00:23:38,060
I've made a selection
of beige nibbles.
463
00:23:38,060 --> 00:23:42,060
Partridge satay, crunchy crab
parcels and hedgehog vol-au-vents.
464
00:23:42,140 --> 00:23:43,460
Take a serviette.
465
00:23:44,300 --> 00:23:45,380
I mean, napkin.
466
00:23:46,340 --> 00:23:48,620
Don't just stand there, dive in!
467
00:23:48,620 --> 00:23:49,940
Three per person.
468
00:23:49,940 --> 00:23:52,340
And don't forget,
if you're having the satay,
469
00:23:52,340 --> 00:23:54,420
use the peanut dipping sauce.
470
00:23:54,420 --> 00:23:55,660
I'm allergic to peanuts.
471
00:23:55,660 --> 00:23:56,900
Just eat it!
472
00:23:58,940 --> 00:24:01,260
There's a fire in the kitchen!
473
00:24:01,460 --> 00:24:05,300
Someone's plugged
in a microwave oven.
474
00:24:05,300 --> 00:24:06,900
The house can't take it.
475
00:24:06,900 --> 00:24:08,980
It's only wired to take two amps,
476
00:24:08,980 --> 00:24:11,100
in total.
I thought it would be quicker.
477
00:24:11,100 --> 00:24:12,260
Did you?
478
00:24:12,260 --> 00:24:13,580
Oh, Kate...
479
00:24:17,460 --> 00:24:20,420
We've all been avoiding the truth
because we love her so much.
480
00:24:43,555 --> 00:24:46,195
Darling, you're wearing normal
clothes again. That's great.
481
00:24:46,195 --> 00:24:48,755
Yeah. I had to drive all the way to
Harrods to get some.
482
00:24:48,755 --> 00:24:50,555
How nice of them to open up
specially for you?
483
00:24:50,555 --> 00:24:52,395
They didn't. I had to put a brick
through the window.
484
00:24:53,019 --> 00:24:57,515
Oh, no! You put yourself under too
much strain. It's just lunch.
485
00:24:57,715 --> 00:25:00,235
Just lunch? Just lunch?!
486
00:25:00,235 --> 00:25:03,595
Have you the faintest idea what goes
into making a Christmas lunch?!
487
00:25:03,595 --> 00:25:05,655
Ya - isn't it just putting a big
chicken in the oven?
488
00:25:07,535 --> 00:25:10,115
No. There's the bread sauce, the
cranberry sauce,
489
00:25:10,115 --> 00:25:12,275
the special gypsy sauce, two
different types of stuffing,
490
00:25:12,275 --> 00:25:13,955
and that's before you even
get to the parsnips!
491
00:25:13,955 --> 00:25:14,815
My mistake.
492
00:25:15,781 --> 00:25:18,115
Can you just put the knife down?
493
00:25:18,115 --> 00:25:18,895
What?!
494
00:25:20,315 --> 00:25:20,735
Oh!
495
00:25:21,635 --> 00:25:22,495
I'm sorry!
496
00:25:25,035 --> 00:25:29,035
I've got to go. But just, you know,
try and calm down a bit.
497
00:25:30,635 --> 00:25:32,775
The sprouts!
498
00:25:37,315 --> 00:25:40,355
Nothing beats a Christmas morning
swim in an icy lake.
499
00:25:40,355 --> 00:25:43,795
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Well, maybe a Margarita.
500
00:25:43,795 --> 00:25:46,395
So, future king again, eh?
501
00:25:46,395 --> 00:25:50,155
Yes. Before long I'll be having
those weekly PM-monarch meetings
502
00:25:50,155 --> 00:25:53,075
with Theresa May. I do hope she
doesn't try anything on.
503
00:25:53,075 --> 00:25:54,715
You know I'm catnip to the ladies.
504
00:25:54,715 --> 00:25:57,595
Yes. How will she control herself
505
00:25:57,595 --> 00:26:01,035
Dad - the BBC accidentally
taped Strictly Come Dancing
506
00:26:01,035 --> 00:26:03,395
over the Queen's Christmas speech,
and she's not here to do it again.
507
00:26:03,395 --> 00:26:04,435
What are you saying?
508
00:26:04,435 --> 00:26:05,775
Well, you're
going to have to do the speech.
509
00:26:06,795 --> 00:26:08,855
Live.
Excellent.
510
00:26:09,955 --> 00:26:12,515
I've always wanted to deliver the
Christmas message.
511
00:26:12,515 --> 00:26:14,435
You've always wanted to set fire to
the Tate Modern -
512
00:26:14,435 --> 00:26:16,235
doesn't mean it's a good idea.
513
00:26:16,235 --> 00:26:18,315
And you've got nothing prepared.
I'll just wing it.
514
00:26:18,315 --> 00:26:21,395
After all, everyone I meet thinks
everything I say is wonderful.
515
00:26:21,395 --> 00:26:22,995
That's face-to-face.
516
00:26:22,995 --> 00:26:25,435
These people will be in their own
homes, taking the mickey,
517
00:26:25,435 --> 00:26:27,715
making sarcastic remarks,
doing impressions of you.
518
00:26:27,715 --> 00:26:29,355
Oh, don't be absurd.
519
00:26:29,355 --> 00:26:32,155
What could they possibly find to do
an impression of?
520
00:26:32,155 --> 00:26:35,215
Fe fe, fe fe, yeugh.
521
00:26:37,355 --> 00:26:39,115
Come back to bed, Andy.
522
00:26:39,115 --> 00:26:40,135
In a minute.
523
00:26:42,435 --> 00:26:43,995
Oh, get up, Bates!
524
00:26:43,995 --> 00:26:45,295
It's a joke!
525
00:26:47,395 --> 00:26:49,315
Merry Christmas!
526
00:26:49,315 --> 00:26:50,875
Merry Christmas, girls!
527
00:26:50,875 --> 00:26:53,475
We made breakfast.
Oh, yum.
528
00:26:53,475 --> 00:26:55,255
But before you tuck in,
529
00:26:56,275 --> 00:26:57,815
let me give you your present.
530
00:26:58,995 --> 00:27:00,935
Fucking hell, Bea, he's going to pop
the question!
531
00:27:00,961 --> 00:27:05,435
I've been with many women, Fergs,
and caught many unpleasant diseases,
532
00:27:05,515 --> 00:27:07,935
some of which are still in
their dormant stage,
533
00:27:08,505 --> 00:27:11,855
but penicillin can't cure the
disease I caught off you.
534
00:27:13,115 --> 00:27:15,595
Love.
Oh!
535
00:27:16,375 --> 00:27:17,255
Fergie -
536
00:27:18,235 --> 00:27:19,735
will you marry me?
537
00:27:22,835 --> 00:27:24,955
Don't know.
What?!
538
00:27:24,955 --> 00:27:27,035
You've broken so many promises in
the past,
539
00:27:27,035 --> 00:27:30,395
not just to the Board of Trade
regarding your conduct abroad,
540
00:27:30,395 --> 00:27:33,355
but to me.
I've changed, Fergie!
541
00:27:33,355 --> 00:27:36,515
The Board of Trade have given
me a second chance!
542
00:27:36,515 --> 00:27:37,535
Won't you?
543
00:27:41,035 --> 00:27:43,055
Oh, Andy, of course I will!
544
00:27:47,875 --> 00:27:49,255
Oh!
Agh!
545
00:27:52,751 --> 00:27:54,655
Oh, Andy!
546
00:27:59,355 --> 00:28:00,435
Ellie.
547
00:28:00,435 --> 00:28:02,315
And I brought my guitar.
548
00:28:02,315 --> 00:28:03,915
Oh, lucky us!
549
00:28:03,915 --> 00:28:06,635
I could teach you how to make
a chord with your fingers.
550
00:28:06,635 --> 00:28:09,235
Oh, Harry doesn't need any help with
his fingering.
551
00:28:09,235 --> 00:28:13,075
And hasn't your fret been fingered
already by everyone from Ed Sheeran
552
00:28:13,075 --> 00:28:15,115
to Dougie from McFly?
553
00:28:15,115 --> 00:28:19,595
That's true, but when a fret's been
fingered as many times as mine has,
554
00:28:19,595 --> 00:28:22,155
it gets looser and easier to play.
555
00:28:22,155 --> 00:28:24,675
Oh, no-one doubts it's loose.
556
00:28:24,675 --> 00:28:28,675
I made you a CD of some of my
favourite Christian rock songs.
557
00:28:28,755 --> 00:28:32,235
Oh, right, I'll definitely
listen to that.
558
00:28:32,235 --> 00:28:33,915
I'll just go and find a...
559
00:28:33,915 --> 00:28:34,815
..a bin.
560
00:28:35,915 --> 00:28:40,082
And I thought we might have got off
on the wrong foot yesterday.
561
00:28:40,108 --> 00:28:42,875
So, this is for you.
562
00:28:42,875 --> 00:28:45,355
It's some poems I wrote about
flowers.
563
00:28:45,355 --> 00:28:49,355
Oh, thank you, Ellie,
that is so sweet of you.
564
00:28:49,795 --> 00:28:52,055
I've got you all wrong.
565
00:28:52,955 --> 00:28:56,955
What are you doing?
I've got a poem for you.
566
00:28:56,995 --> 00:29:00,835
Stay away from my fiance or I'll
fuck you up so bad,
567
00:29:00,835 --> 00:29:02,975
even your own mother
won't recognise you.
568
00:29:03,795 --> 00:29:06,335
Er, who are this lot, then?
569
00:29:07,195 --> 00:29:10,395
You invited them yesterday
at the soup kitchen.
570
00:29:10,395 --> 00:29:11,875
Oh. Could have done.
571
00:29:11,875 --> 00:29:13,375
I was very drunk.
572
00:29:14,275 --> 00:29:17,595
Now, let's get you a cup of
something warm.
573
00:29:17,595 --> 00:29:18,955
Harry?
Yeah.
574
00:29:18,955 --> 00:29:20,795
Could you give me a hand?
575
00:29:20,795 --> 00:29:22,515
Erm, yeah.
576
00:29:22,515 --> 00:29:24,995
Oh, it's like that, is it?
577
00:29:24,995 --> 00:29:28,435
Well, I invented pretending to be
nice to get men.
578
00:29:28,435 --> 00:29:31,435
Oh, hello, you, what's your name?
579
00:29:31,435 --> 00:29:33,275
I don't know, I lost my memory.
580
00:29:33,275 --> 00:29:37,275
Really? Come on, let me show you
the way to the bathroom,
581
00:29:37,355 --> 00:29:39,755
get you nice and disinfected.
582
00:29:39,755 --> 00:29:41,275
What the hell's going on?
583
00:29:41,275 --> 00:29:44,115
Harry invited them.
They're homeless.
584
00:29:44,115 --> 00:29:47,315
She's not, though, in case the hair
and clothes confuse you.
585
00:29:47,315 --> 00:29:49,355
Seven extra mouths to feed?
586
00:29:49,355 --> 00:29:51,635
Well, I'm sure Kate can cope.
587
00:29:51,635 --> 00:29:53,055
Can't wait to tell her.
588
00:29:54,835 --> 00:29:56,635
I should like to talk to you today
589
00:29:56,635 --> 00:29:58,955
about 15th century
Tuscan architecture.
590
00:29:58,955 --> 00:30:02,395
You're a bit stiff.
You've got to connect with people.
591
00:30:02,395 --> 00:30:03,695
Let me show you.
Oh...
592
00:30:06,155 --> 00:30:09,635
Hi. Do you know the most important
thing a person can be?
593
00:30:09,635 --> 00:30:11,255
No, not king.
594
00:30:12,075 --> 00:30:15,195
A parent. I remember when we had
baby Charlotte -
595
00:30:15,195 --> 00:30:16,875
we could have gone somewhere fancy,
596
00:30:16,875 --> 00:30:20,755
but chose to have her in a normal
hospital that only cost ?5,000.
597
00:30:20,755 --> 00:30:21,735
A night.
598
00:30:22,355 --> 00:30:24,475
See? Keep it relatable.
599
00:30:24,475 --> 00:30:26,475
Right, and then go on to
Tuscan architecture.
600
00:30:26,475 --> 00:30:27,255
No.
601
00:30:28,115 --> 00:30:29,535
Maybe work-life balance?
602
00:30:30,875 --> 00:30:32,675
Since I rejoined the air ambulance,
603
00:30:32,675 --> 00:30:34,935
I've found it very hard squaring
being a dad...
604
00:30:36,195 --> 00:30:38,395
with my 20 hours a week
flying helicopters,
605
00:30:38,395 --> 00:30:40,315
plus doing up to
one royal duty a month,
606
00:30:40,315 --> 00:30:42,555
and finding time to watch
Homes Under The Hammer.
607
00:30:42,555 --> 00:30:45,075
God, you
sound like a bloody social worker.
608
00:30:45,075 --> 00:30:48,235
Hi. Just thought I'd pop in to say,
"Have fun out there".
609
00:30:48,235 --> 00:30:50,515
Energy, energy, energy.
610
00:30:50,515 --> 00:30:52,675
Edward, are you directing the speech
this year?
611
00:30:52,675 --> 00:30:55,515
Well, I did use to run my own TV
company, which would still
612
00:30:55,515 --> 00:30:59,235
be solvent if I hadn't made a series
of catastrophic creative decisions.
613
00:30:59,235 --> 00:31:01,015
So, you're in safe hands.
614
00:31:10,755 --> 00:31:12,975
What's this for?
It goes with the turkey.
615
00:31:12,975 --> 00:31:15,595
I'm doing Jamie's Well Pukka
Right Banging Eat-It-You-Slag
616
00:31:15,595 --> 00:31:17,795
Christmas dinner.
Turkey?!
617
00:31:17,795 --> 00:31:19,995
At Sandringham, we always have carp.
618
00:31:19,995 --> 00:31:22,515
Carp?
It's part of our German heritage.
619
00:31:22,515 --> 00:31:26,155
Carp schnitzel mit crispy spaetzler
- and all the trimmings.
620
00:31:26,155 --> 00:31:28,515
All this will have to be
incinerated.
621
00:31:28,515 --> 00:31:29,895
It was all written down.
622
00:31:31,515 --> 00:31:32,295
I see.
623
00:31:32,715 --> 00:31:34,855
But where am I going to find a carp
on Christmas Day?
624
00:31:37,755 --> 00:31:39,435
You'd better take this as well -
625
00:31:39,435 --> 00:31:41,275
the ice on the lake can be quite
thick in places.
626
00:31:41,275 --> 00:31:43,675
Oh, and you know how big-hearted
Harry is.
627
00:31:43,675 --> 00:31:45,015
There'll be seven extra for lunch.
628
00:31:46,435 --> 00:31:49,075
Yeah! Yeah! Can't wait!
629
00:31:49,075 --> 00:31:52,595
The wedding's set for Feb, and then
the fun really begins!
630
00:31:52,595 --> 00:31:54,595
He's talking about the honeymoon.
631
00:31:54,595 --> 00:31:59,095
That's when I begin funnelling my
earnings into Switzerland via Fergs,
632
00:31:59,235 --> 00:32:01,275
ready for the new financial year!
633
00:32:01,275 --> 00:32:01,895
Yeah!
634
00:32:04,875 --> 00:32:08,515
Daddy's only marrying Mummy for tax
reasons! We've got to tell her.
635
00:32:08,515 --> 00:32:10,755
No! She'll be gutted.
636
00:32:10,755 --> 00:32:13,875
And anyway, what's so wrong in
getting married to avoid tax?
637
00:32:13,875 --> 00:32:17,195
Eugenie, when I get married, I
want it to be for the right reasons
638
00:32:17,195 --> 00:32:19,975
- for love and sexual gratification!
639
00:32:19,975 --> 00:32:24,795
# Kumbaya, my lord, kumbaya,
640
00:32:25,395 --> 00:32:29,395
# Oh, lord, kumbaya. #
641
00:32:30,875 --> 00:32:34,115
OK, everyone, there's orange and
lemon squash on the table,
642
00:32:34,115 --> 00:32:36,235
and for those of you who don't have
alcohol issues,
643
00:32:36,235 --> 00:32:37,775
there's a big bottle of Scotch
in the corner.
644
00:32:38,875 --> 00:32:40,635
I've got it! I've got it!
645
00:32:40,635 --> 00:32:44,475
You know, Ellie, you were
wonderful. So were you.
646
00:32:44,475 --> 00:32:47,375
Let's have a Christian hug.
OK.
647
00:32:48,475 --> 00:32:51,115
What the fuck are you doing?
648
00:32:51,115 --> 00:32:53,475
Oh, Pippa,
it's not what it looks like.
649
00:32:53,475 --> 00:32:56,595
I've told you enough times to
keep your mitts to yourself,
650
00:32:56,595 --> 00:32:59,235
but you couldn't, could you,
you little slut?!
651
00:32:59,235 --> 00:33:02,195
If you keep insulting me like this,
I'll...
652
00:33:02,195 --> 00:33:04,295
What? Bake me a cake?
653
00:33:07,195 --> 00:33:08,215
No.
654
00:33:09,835 --> 00:33:10,935
Ooh!
655
00:33:12,555 --> 00:33:18,335
I don't want a lot for Christmas,
there is just one thing I need,
656
00:33:18,391 --> 00:33:24,815
I don't care about no presents
underneath the Christmas tree
657
00:33:24,995 --> 00:33:30,295
I just want you for my own,
more than you could ever know
658
00:33:31,235 --> 00:33:33,735
Make my wish come true
659
00:33:34,555 --> 00:33:38,555
All I want for Christmas is you.
660
00:33:45,835 --> 00:33:49,575
You can fight. When your act's as
bad as mine, you have to.
661
00:33:53,875 --> 00:33:56,475
You know, the first time your daddy
and I got married,
662
00:33:56,475 --> 00:33:58,155
we were too young.
663
00:33:58,155 --> 00:34:01,555
And now I just think
we're ready for it, and, erm,
664
00:34:01,555 --> 00:34:05,555
that's why I've decided to put him in
charge of all my financial affairs.
665
00:34:06,235 --> 00:34:07,675
Mummy, I have to tell you something.
666
00:34:07,675 --> 00:34:11,075
So, Mummy - what was your first
wedding like?
667
00:34:11,075 --> 00:34:13,795
It was an amazing feeling, you know,
668
00:34:13,795 --> 00:34:17,795
being on the balcony with 100,000
people chanting, "Kiss!"
669
00:34:17,795 --> 00:34:21,115
Although there was one man
shouting, "Show us your tits."
670
00:34:21,115 --> 00:34:24,675
And that man was your father,
and that's why I love him.
671
00:34:24,675 --> 00:34:27,155
I'm sorry, lunch seems to be a
little late.
672
00:34:27,155 --> 00:34:29,815
I did fear it would be
too much for Kate.
673
00:34:40,755 --> 00:34:44,755
Everyone, please enjoy my
traditional German Christmas lunch!
674
00:34:44,915 --> 00:34:46,055
Oh, there you are!
675
00:34:46,355 --> 00:34:48,595
Darling, that looks amazing!
676
00:34:48,595 --> 00:34:49,535
Well done.
677
00:34:50,555 --> 00:34:52,255
But I can't stay.
What?!
678
00:34:52,635 --> 00:34:54,035
I've just spent all day cooking it!
679
00:34:54,035 --> 00:34:57,275
I know, but it's just food, and I've
got to work on dad's speech.
680
00:34:57,275 --> 00:34:58,695
I'll grab some toast later.
681
00:35:00,475 --> 00:35:01,495
Toast?!
682
00:35:03,635 --> 00:35:06,435
Mmm.
Good beef rouladen.
683
00:35:06,435 --> 00:35:11,495
And a superb schweinebraten mit
gemuse. Sehr gut.
684
00:35:12,195 --> 00:35:13,215
Just a minute.
685
00:35:13,541 --> 00:35:16,275
That's not carp schnitzel mit crispy
spaetzle.
686
00:35:16,275 --> 00:35:18,635
No, I couldn't catch a carp,
687
00:35:18,635 --> 00:35:21,115
so it's pike schnitzel mit crispy
spaetzle.
688
00:35:21,115 --> 00:35:22,675
The menu was quite clear,
689
00:35:22,675 --> 00:35:25,115
and she knew that when
she took this on.
690
00:35:25,115 --> 00:35:27,995
But surely, pike schnitzel mit
crispy spaetzle will do?!
691
00:35:27,995 --> 00:35:30,875
DO?! No, it won't do!
692
00:35:30,875 --> 00:35:34,115
The Queen Mother will be spinning
in her vast mausoleum!
693
00:35:34,115 --> 00:35:35,555
It's carp or nothing!
694
00:35:35,555 --> 00:35:36,875
But I can't go back in that lake.
695
00:35:36,875 --> 00:35:39,075
I can't! It was so cold!
696
00:35:39,075 --> 00:35:40,955
All this will have to be
incinerated!
697
00:35:40,955 --> 00:35:43,395
No!
Kate, you're becoming hysterical.
698
00:35:43,395 --> 00:35:45,235
No, I'm not!
699
00:35:45,235 --> 00:35:49,235
You lot sit around eating this
crispy spaetzle shit!
700
00:35:49,555 --> 00:35:51,835
Well, what's wrong with a massive
tin of Quality Street
701
00:35:51,835 --> 00:35:53,775
and a bottle of Diet fucking Coke?!
702
00:35:54,435 --> 00:35:55,255
Enough!
703
00:35:56,075 --> 00:35:58,475
Oh, dear. I'm sure she didn't mean
what she was saying
704
00:35:58,475 --> 00:36:01,575
when she insulted
everything you hold dear.
705
00:36:02,635 --> 00:36:05,615
Perhaps you should take her
for a lie-down.
706
00:36:07,435 --> 00:36:09,775
Yes.
A lie-down.
707
00:36:12,275 --> 00:36:14,235
Yes, a lie-down would be nice.
708
00:36:14,235 --> 00:36:17,755
That'll teach you to waltz into our
family with your common touch
709
00:36:17,755 --> 00:36:19,615
and your Zara tops.
710
00:36:23,955 --> 00:36:24,855
All set.
711
00:36:25,795 --> 00:36:29,095
Ready when you are. Ya - should
the camera be pointing at Dad?
712
00:36:29,795 --> 00:36:31,095
OK, let's go with that.
713
00:36:31,795 --> 00:36:34,155
OK, Dad, it's all up on
the teleprompter.
714
00:36:34,155 --> 00:36:35,675
Any last-minute advice?
715
00:36:35,675 --> 00:36:37,855
Just don't declare war on the EU.
716
00:36:38,580 --> 00:36:39,375
Ha!
717
00:36:41,315 --> 00:36:42,095
Action!
718
00:36:46,135 --> 00:36:47,295
People of Earth...
719
00:36:48,395 --> 00:36:51,835
I mean, people of Great Britain
and the Commonwealth -
720
00:36:51,835 --> 00:36:54,895
what a year it's been.
Smile for emphasis.
721
00:36:55,675 --> 00:36:59,969
The time has come for us to unite
and make Brexit a success.
722
00:36:59,995 --> 00:37:02,555
We British have left Europe behind,
723
00:37:02,555 --> 00:37:06,355
as we Windsors once left behind
the name Saxe-Coburg und Gotha.
724
00:37:06,355 --> 00:37:08,475
Oh, no - he's going off script!
725
00:37:08,475 --> 00:37:12,155
But leaving the EU doesn't mean we
stop being European,
726
00:37:12,155 --> 00:37:14,695
any more than we Windsors
stop being German.
727
00:37:14,695 --> 00:37:17,455
I trust you've all seen the footage
of grandmama
728
00:37:17,455 --> 00:37:21,595
teaching mama and Auntie Margaret
how to do the Nazi salute.
729
00:37:21,595 --> 00:37:24,635
And I'm sure you're aware that
Princess Michael of Kent's father
730
00:37:24,635 --> 00:37:27,635
was an SS major who escaped
to Mozambique.
731
00:37:27,635 --> 00:37:31,635
But that doesn't stop us being
British - of course it doesn't.
732
00:37:31,955 --> 00:37:35,035
We face a bright future
outside Europe,
733
00:37:35,035 --> 00:37:38,275
especially with us
Saxe-Coburg und Gothas...
734
00:37:38,275 --> 00:37:41,755
I mean, Windsors.
Sorry, I've got it in my head now.
735
00:37:41,755 --> 00:37:43,075
..as your leaders.
736
00:37:43,075 --> 00:37:46,875
So, with that message, that message
of hope,
737
00:37:46,875 --> 00:37:50,715
I bid you farewell and
frohe Weinacht.
738
00:37:50,715 --> 00:37:52,195
In English, you fool!
739
00:37:52,195 --> 00:37:53,895
I mean, "Merry Christmas".
740
00:37:55,195 --> 00:37:56,735
There's another ten seconds to fill.
741
00:37:57,555 --> 00:37:59,235
Say something!
Oh...
742
00:37:59,235 --> 00:38:00,915
I declare war on the EU!
743
00:38:00,915 --> 00:38:01,855
And we're out!
744
00:38:04,635 --> 00:38:06,415
That went rather well, didn't it?
745
00:38:17,400 --> 00:38:18,800
I'm sure we got away with it.
746
00:38:18,800 --> 00:38:23,520
We can't have done. You declared war
on the EU, Dad! The EU!
747
00:38:23,520 --> 00:38:26,600
I should think the sofa-dwelling
scum snored all the way through it.
748
00:38:26,600 --> 00:38:29,880
I'm sure they just took it for the
little intentional joke it was.
749
00:38:29,880 --> 00:38:32,880
Now, who's for a glass of shampoo?
Oh, yes, please!
750
00:38:34,120 --> 00:38:35,400
Oh, my God!
751
00:38:39,760 --> 00:38:43,360
I was thinking we could get married
at the ski lodge in Switzerland.
752
00:38:43,360 --> 00:38:44,840
How is the old place?
753
00:38:44,840 --> 00:38:47,600
Oh, I don't know. Uh, I haven't been
there since August.
754
00:38:47,600 --> 00:38:49,240
What?! Yeah, I've been, er,
755
00:38:49,240 --> 00:38:52,360
following the '80s Revival Tour
round Britain.
756
00:38:52,360 --> 00:38:54,280
What? Well, you know I like
Nik Kershaw!
757
00:38:54,280 --> 00:38:57,240
So, it's been more than three
months? Er, well, yes.
758
00:38:57,240 --> 00:39:00,560
Don't you realise that if you spend
more than three months in the UK,
759
00:39:00,560 --> 00:39:03,040
you're liable to pay UK taxes?!
760
00:39:03,040 --> 00:39:04,360
Oh, so what are you saying, that
761
00:39:04,360 --> 00:39:06,920
this whole marriage is based on tax
evasion?
762
00:39:06,920 --> 00:39:09,320
No, Fergie, no.
763
00:39:09,320 --> 00:39:11,240
Tax avoidance.
764
00:39:11,240 --> 00:39:13,360
It's a totally different ball game.
765
00:39:13,360 --> 00:39:14,400
Oh, my God!
766
00:39:15,440 --> 00:39:17,400
It's all starting to make sense now.
767
00:39:18,160 --> 00:39:20,320
You...you really don't love me, do
you?
768
00:39:20,320 --> 00:39:22,240
All this time, you've just been
using me.
769
00:39:22,240 --> 00:39:24,000
Oh, sure, yeah, the sex was good.
770
00:39:24,000 --> 00:39:25,120
Particularly early on,
771
00:39:25,120 --> 00:39:27,560
when our marathon sessions could
last over 36 hours
772
00:39:27,560 --> 00:39:30,000
and we'd explore each other's bodies
with our tongues...
773
00:39:32,800 --> 00:39:34,120
But that was a long time ago.
774
00:39:34,120 --> 00:39:38,120
You have robbed me of the chance
to stand on my own two feet.
775
00:39:40,480 --> 00:39:44,480
Well, I'm standing on them now!
776
00:39:45,680 --> 00:39:48,600
Yeah, Daddy, she's got a range of
juicers now!
777
00:39:49,280 --> 00:39:52,120
Well, one juicer, but in a range of
colours!
778
00:39:54,000 --> 00:39:55,640
Ooh, Fergie, I've never seen you
like this before.
779
00:39:55,640 --> 00:39:57,200
Well, get used to it,
780
00:39:57,200 --> 00:40:01,600
because you have exploited my
childlike naivety for the last time.
781
00:40:11,120 --> 00:40:12,320
What are you doing, Anne?!
782
00:40:12,320 --> 00:40:16,000
You cut up the Queen Mother's
curtains, set fire to my kitchen,
783
00:40:16,000 --> 00:40:17,520
served pike!
784
00:40:17,520 --> 00:40:20,400
Camilla was right, you are
unbalanced.
785
00:40:20,400 --> 00:40:22,240
I'm lobotomising you!
786
00:40:22,240 --> 00:40:23,680
Lobotomising?!
787
00:40:23,680 --> 00:40:26,720
Oh, I'm fully licensed. We were
doing so many in the royal family,
788
00:40:26,720 --> 00:40:27,480
it just worked out cheaper.
789
00:40:27,480 --> 00:40:28,640
But I'm not unbalanced.
790
00:40:29,680 --> 00:40:32,840
How can I be, when I love horses as
much as you do?
791
00:40:32,840 --> 00:40:35,360
You're lying. You don't love horses
at all!
792
00:40:35,360 --> 00:40:37,080
I do, I grew up with them.
793
00:40:37,080 --> 00:40:38,960
Ask me anything. All right, then.
794
00:40:39,920 --> 00:40:41,520
What breed of horse is Black Beauty?
795
00:40:41,520 --> 00:40:44,240
In the TV series,
or the book, or film?
796
00:40:44,240 --> 00:40:46,440
ALL OF THEM! Agh!
797
00:40:46,440 --> 00:40:49,080
In the book...a thoroughbred.
798
00:40:49,080 --> 00:40:51,200
Er...in the film...
799
00:40:51,200 --> 00:40:52,760
..an American Quarter Horse.
800
00:40:52,760 --> 00:40:54,200
And in the TV series?
801
00:40:54,200 --> 00:40:56,120
Oh... And in the TV series, oh...
802
00:40:57,680 --> 00:40:58,520
..a Welsh Cob!
803
00:40:58,520 --> 00:41:00,280
Hum the theme tune.
804
00:41:11,960 --> 00:41:14,600
You DO love horses!
805
00:41:15,680 --> 00:41:17,440
Can you turn the drill off, please?
806
00:41:17,440 --> 00:41:19,120
Oh, yes, of course.
807
00:41:19,120 --> 00:41:20,880
Oh. Oh.
808
00:41:20,880 --> 00:41:24,160
Oh, Anne, I've never seen
you smile before.
809
00:41:24,160 --> 00:41:25,920
Well, that's because...
810
00:41:25,920 --> 00:41:26,800
I never have.
811
00:41:32,680 --> 00:41:34,240
Have I missed lunch?
812
00:41:34,240 --> 00:41:36,320
It got in...cinerated.
813
00:41:37,840 --> 00:41:38,960
Who are you?
814
00:41:38,960 --> 00:41:41,160
I'm the homeless man you had
disinfected.
815
00:41:41,160 --> 00:41:42,480
You scrub up well.
816
00:41:45,040 --> 00:41:46,120
You all right?
817
00:41:47,360 --> 00:41:48,880
Oh, my God!
818
00:41:49,760 --> 00:41:51,080
It's all coming back to me!
819
00:41:51,080 --> 00:41:55,680
What is? I'm Johnny Mathers, I run a
hedge fund, live in Belgravia,
820
00:41:55,680 --> 00:41:57,560
and I'm worth ?2 billion.
821
00:41:59,280 --> 00:42:02,400
That's right, but you forgot the
most important bit -
822
00:42:02,400 --> 00:42:04,280
that we're engaged.
823
00:42:04,280 --> 00:42:07,200
Really?! Oh, Johnny, you're back!
824
00:42:10,920 --> 00:42:13,480
And now you can get that ring you
were talking about.
825
00:42:13,480 --> 00:42:16,440
A ring? Yes, I wanted something
really basic
826
00:42:16,440 --> 00:42:18,720
and you were like,
"No, let's push the boat out
827
00:42:18,720 --> 00:42:20,560
"and get something really special."
828
00:42:20,560 --> 00:42:22,480
Really?! Your exact words were,
829
00:42:22,480 --> 00:42:26,840
"It must cost at least a quarter of
a million pounds."
830
00:42:32,120 --> 00:42:33,360
Ah, yes...
831
00:42:34,280 --> 00:42:38,280
Bonjour. Je m'appelle
His Royal Highness Prince William.
832
00:42:38,360 --> 00:42:40,560
Oh, you speak English, thanks.
833
00:42:40,560 --> 00:42:43,800
Look, I need to speak to the
President of the EU - right now!
834
00:42:46,401 --> 00:42:47,417
He hanged up!
835
00:42:47,840 --> 00:42:49,200
What are you worried about?
836
00:42:49,200 --> 00:42:52,040
None of the greasy-gob continentals
watched it.
837
00:42:52,040 --> 00:42:54,360
Someone did! Or something.
838
00:42:54,960 --> 00:42:57,160
The EU have deployed a
fully-automated defence system
839
00:42:57,160 --> 00:42:59,640
and they're about to
launch a nuclear attack!
840
00:43:02,760 --> 00:43:03,440
What?!
841
00:43:04,520 --> 00:43:06,600
If only we hadn't voted to leave the EU
842
00:43:06,600 --> 00:43:09,680
we'd be privy to their discussions
about a nuclear attack.
843
00:43:09,680 --> 00:43:11,360
Oh, shut up! There must be something
we can do!
844
00:43:11,360 --> 00:43:13,400
I know it's bad, but with my debts
personally,
845
00:43:13,400 --> 00:43:15,280
this couldn't have come at a better
time.
846
00:43:15,280 --> 00:43:19,280
Oh, if only I had the password to get
in, I might be able to do something.
847
00:43:19,280 --> 00:43:22,040
Everyone, get to the nuclear bunker!
848
00:43:22,040 --> 00:43:23,600
We haven't got one any more.
849
00:43:23,600 --> 00:43:26,800
After the Cold War, it was converted
into a health club and spa.
850
00:43:26,800 --> 00:43:28,640
There's been a spa here the whole
time?
851
00:43:28,640 --> 00:43:30,520
Do you think we've got time for a
hot-stone rub?
852
00:43:30,520 --> 00:43:31,800
Oh, yes, please!
853
00:43:31,800 --> 00:43:34,080
But I only get one shot at it.
854
00:43:34,080 --> 00:43:35,040
Here goes...
855
00:43:40,440 --> 00:43:41,600
I've got a suggestion.
856
00:43:45,160 --> 00:43:47,760
Kate! It's the EU, try -
857
00:43:47,760 --> 00:43:49,120
Farage is a wanker.
858
00:43:49,120 --> 00:43:50,840
Don't listen to her,
she's unbalanced!
859
00:43:50,840 --> 00:43:52,680
Trust me, Wills, you know it makes
sense.
860
00:43:59,600 --> 00:44:00,760
Oh, you did it!
861
00:44:00,760 --> 00:44:04,440
Well done, Kate. Well, I knew you
weren't unbalanced really.
862
00:44:04,440 --> 00:44:05,720
Of course she's not.
863
00:44:05,720 --> 00:44:08,240
She can hum the
theme tune to Black Beauty.
864
00:44:10,120 --> 00:44:14,494
'I am Gargantuan, the EU's automatic
defence system.
865
00:44:14,520 --> 00:44:16,880
'One minute until missile launch.'
866
00:44:23,046 --> 00:44:25,840
You didn't mind missing Doctor Who
to do this, did you?
867
00:44:25,840 --> 00:44:29,760
It's just nice to think of everyone
else having a great time.
868
00:44:29,760 --> 00:44:31,720
Yeah, that's the main thing.
869
00:44:31,720 --> 00:44:34,320
Um, do you fancy a drink?
870
00:44:34,320 --> 00:44:36,440
Oh, I don't drink. Cheeky spliff?
871
00:44:36,440 --> 00:44:37,760
Oh, I don't smoke.
872
00:44:37,760 --> 00:44:39,120
And I'm a virgin.
873
00:44:40,040 --> 00:44:41,600
A virgin?!
874
00:44:41,600 --> 00:44:43,680
And I intend to stay one until
I'm married.
875
00:44:44,880 --> 00:44:47,360
And possibly afterwards, as well.
876
00:44:51,000 --> 00:44:51,760
Harry?
877
00:44:52,107 --> 00:44:56,280
NO! Only the Prime Minister can
declare war, it was just Dad!
878
00:44:56,280 --> 00:44:58,400
'No, the Head of State declares war,
879
00:44:58,400 --> 00:45:00,720
'and Prince Charles is your acting
Head of State.'
880
00:45:00,720 --> 00:45:02,320
Look, the title is Head of State,
881
00:45:02,320 --> 00:45:04,280
but Monarch is just a ceremonial
position.
882
00:45:04,280 --> 00:45:06,920
'Does not compute.
What would be the point?'
883
00:45:06,920 --> 00:45:09,640
I don't know. We're just a weird
hangover from the past,
884
00:45:09,640 --> 00:45:12,320
like the Channel Islands
or televised snooker.
885
00:45:12,320 --> 00:45:15,160
We can advise.
We're the ones who open Parliament.
886
00:45:15,160 --> 00:45:17,480
Oh, they could do that without us.
We've got the keys!
887
00:45:17,480 --> 00:45:20,200
'But the Monarch has to ratify all
your legislation.'
888
00:45:20,200 --> 00:45:21,560
It's just a rubber stamp,
889
00:45:21,560 --> 00:45:24,160
the royal veto hasn't been used
since the 1700s.
890
00:45:24,160 --> 00:45:27,480
'Interesting, but I need to hear
this from Prince Charles.'
891
00:45:27,480 --> 00:45:31,200
Father, sit there and tell them we
are completely irrelevant.
892
00:45:31,200 --> 00:45:32,800
It's the only way to stop a nuclear
war!
893
00:45:32,800 --> 00:45:35,200
But I'm the Evening Standard
Londoner of the Decade.
894
00:45:35,225 --> 00:45:36,003
Do it!
895
00:45:41,640 --> 00:45:44,520
If not for me, if not for the
country...
896
00:45:45,812 --> 00:45:46,798
for Christmas.
897
00:45:49,080 --> 00:45:50,040
All right.
898
00:45:52,040 --> 00:45:53,360
I'm utterly irrelevant.
899
00:45:53,920 --> 00:45:56,200
'I'm going to need that again
to match the voice.'
900
00:45:57,760 --> 00:45:59,480
I'm totally pointless.
901
00:45:59,480 --> 00:46:00,040
'Three...'
902
00:46:01,040 --> 00:46:03,080
I'm completely useless! 'Two...'
903
00:46:03,080 --> 00:46:05,320
My whole life is a waste of time!
904
00:46:05,320 --> 00:46:06,040
'One...
905
00:46:07,405 --> 00:46:09,160
'Launch protocols.
906
00:46:11,040 --> 00:46:12,080
'Halted.'
907
00:46:12,080 --> 00:46:14,240
Oh! Oh, it worked!
908
00:46:14,240 --> 00:46:17,200
I did it, I saved the day again.
909
00:46:20,560 --> 00:46:21,760
Pips, where are you going?
910
00:46:22,520 --> 00:46:24,200
Look, if this is about Ellie...
911
00:46:25,560 --> 00:46:26,800
I'm not interested, Harry.
912
00:46:26,800 --> 00:46:28,240
But there's nothing going on.
913
00:46:28,240 --> 00:46:30,160
She's too much of a goody two-shoes.
914
00:46:30,160 --> 00:46:31,400
So that's not an act?
915
00:46:31,400 --> 00:46:33,480
No, she really is that dull.
916
00:46:33,480 --> 00:46:35,640
Well, it's too late,
too much has happened.
917
00:46:35,640 --> 00:46:36,880
What?
918
00:46:36,880 --> 00:46:38,640
It's only been four hours.
919
00:46:38,640 --> 00:46:42,120
I met someone. One of the tramps.
920
00:46:42,120 --> 00:46:43,400
The one who lost his memory.
921
00:46:44,200 --> 00:46:46,280
But I forget things all the time.
922
00:46:46,280 --> 00:46:48,320
Your birthday. My name.
923
00:46:48,320 --> 00:46:50,000
That's not the point.
924
00:46:50,000 --> 00:46:52,960
He's handsome. He likes triathlons.
925
00:46:52,960 --> 00:46:56,120
And - not that it matters -
has ?2 billion.
926
00:46:57,920 --> 00:46:59,200
It's over, Harry.
927
00:47:02,920 --> 00:47:04,400
Pippa...
928
00:47:07,480 --> 00:47:08,640
..I love you.
929
00:47:12,560 --> 00:47:16,520
Oh, Kate, I'm sorry about trying
to have you lobotomised,
930
00:47:16,520 --> 00:47:17,800
it was wrong of me.
931
00:47:17,800 --> 00:47:20,640
And it was wrong of me to try and
cook Christmas lunch.
932
00:47:21,320 --> 00:47:22,800
Friends? Friends.
933
00:47:27,480 --> 00:47:28,320
Phoof.
934
00:47:29,240 --> 00:47:31,880
This has been the worst Christmas
since Windsor Castle burnt down.
935
00:47:31,880 --> 00:47:32,800
And do you know what?
936
00:47:33,760 --> 00:47:34,800
It's been my favourite.
937
00:47:35,480 --> 00:47:38,760
Hey, let's sing a traditional
Windsors' Christmas song.
938
00:47:38,810 --> 00:47:43,360
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