Original subtitles

- Oh, my God, these are amazing! - Who brought these in?

Denise from Accounting.

all: Denise! Denise! Denise! Denise! Denise!

Where is she? I wanna kiss her!

Oh, she just went home sick. Stomach flu.

[hip-hop music]

[all spit]

You know who I hate? A-Denise.

Sorry, guys, I had to bring the kids to work.

There was no school today. There was a lice outbreak.

They have no idea where it started.

[mimics laugh]

- There are my boys! both: - Hey, Anna!

Hmm.

- Hugo! both: - Hugo!

Go easy on him this time, guys.

His hair just grew back from your last visit.

[cat meows]

Hugo, run!

So you guys are cool with my kids hanging here today?

Oh, sure. I love kids.

[laughter]

That wasn't a joke.

[laughter intensifies]

What do you people think of me?

She's hilarious.

Mimi, it will be fine,

but we should probably keep them away

from the big cocaine bust scene...

- [gasps] - ...we're shooting today.

both: - Snow, yeah! - It's snowing!

- Yeah, whoo! - Yay!

Well, at least they're playing together.

- [chuckles] - Snowing!

Put the drug money down.

[flamenco music]

Re Sync by assistadhyan www.addic7ed.com

Hey, Mimi, you know what this dress needs?

Fabric.

Mimi.

Look at Conner sulking over there.

That's all he does anymore.

We used to be so close,

but now he's totally pulled away from me.

Watch.

See? That bit used to kill.

There's something wrong with him.

Oh, he's 13.

It's totally normal that he doesn't want

to hang out with his mom.

He'll talk to me.

I taught him how to knock out a sugar high

with a bag of potato chips.

Sometimes I let him drive my car.

Remind me not to let you babysit ever again.

Why? 'Cause of the chips?

Look, Conner and I are tight.

That means close. I'm fluent in tween.

Really? I just got a text from my niece,

"LOL. BTW," and then a sunshine with sunglasses.

Wait-- why does the sun need sunglasses?

- He's the sun. - Because it's a cool sun.

Don't over-think it.

Find anything you like

for the big "Men of Las Leyes" photo shoot today?

Just put us in anything, Mimi. We're guys.

We don't get stressed

about things like what we're gonna wear,

how we look, equal pay.

Yeah, it's just, like, "I know I'm gorgeous,

but I so don't care," you know?

Yeah, we're not gonna be a bunch of psycho divas

like the women were when they did their magazine shoot.

[women squealing]

I'm feeling good and everybody knows it

just keep the party going

She only needed two stitches.

All I'm saying is men don't care about the little things.

We're chill. We stick together.

Honestly, that's why I date them.

- Huh. - That makes sense.

- Gah! - What are you doing?

Work.

I'm writing a story for the show.

That doesn't sound like work.

Well, you and my mom agree about that,

but I don't see either of you figuring out

how to get the cop trapped

so the kingpin can run off with Luna.

How about a booby trap?

Look, kid, we did that on the Christmas episode.

- What about a bear trap? - Pfft, bear trap.

Bear trap.

Huh, we've never done that before.

Have a seat. Keep talking.

So there's a mountain of drugs and a corrupt cop...

Oh, yes. Keep going.

And then the bear trap collapses down on them...

- Yeah. - And they scream.

And what does the kingpin do-- the evil guy?

He's like... [laughs maniacally]

He does that. That's the weirdest thing.

[both laugh]

- [both gasp] - Oh, there.

Here, I got this.

Conner. Con-man.

C-Dawg. [chuckling]

We gon' kick it?

Oh, my God, you're right!

Something is really wrong with him.

I thought you said that was normal kid stuff?

To ignore his mom, yes. Not me.

We've gotta do something.

You know, kids today are into all sorts of crazy things.

Haven't you heard of the deep web?

- No. - No, I saw it on "Dateline"

or "Nightline" or one of those shows where

quiet nerds do horrible things, usually in Florida.

Anyway, the deep web is a secret place of the Internet

where you can buy guns or drugs or a baby.

Okay, I think I'd notice if Conner

were hiding a baby in his room.

Have you checked it out lately?

[scoffs] No.

Yeah, well, snooping is the only way

you're gonna get answers from a kid.

Okay, you're right. All right, let's go.

- Yeah. - Well, what else can you buy

- on the deep web? - Feet.

- [gasps] - Human feet.

Hey, have you guys seen Mimi?

I'm shooting my first love scene today

and I wanna make sure she puts me in something sexy.

I shouldn't be all covered up like this.

[chuckles]

I don't even remember what I wore in my first love scene.

You were naked except for a turban and a torn sarong.

- I think. - Hello, gentlemen.

I'm Caro'leen, photographer for "Bella Novella Magazine."

I'm excited to shoot you.

Oh, we're excited for you.

We're just getting our makeup done.

- We'll be right down. - Oh, no.

No need for makeup.

"Bella Novella" is a natural beauty magazine.

We're makeup and Photoshop free.

[dramatic music]

[laughs] What did she say?

I don't understand the words coming out of her mouth.

Just come natural.

We believe that everyone is beautiful just as they are.

But that's not true.

You guys are fun.

I'll see you on set.

Guys, it's all good. We're men.

- We don't care about this stuff. - He's right.

Plus, they can't take our spray tans away.

- Yeah! - Yeah, yeah!

[both grunt]

Oh, this is so heartbreaking.

Snooping around in a child's room I practically raised.

You wouldn't understand.

You're right, I was too distracted

actually raising him.

- Oh, my God! - What!

What'd you find? Guns? A baby?

[sighs] Conner, he folded his socks

like I asked him to. He's such a sweet boy.

Unless he's hiding the drugs in them!

Oh... no.

Oh.

- No, all clear. - [scoffs]

Okay, now I gotta clean up all the socks.

Hey, at least you're not cleaning up all the drugs.

You're welcome.

Oh, let's try his computer.

Oh, I don't even know where to start.

I've installed so many parental locks on this thing,

he can't even look up a recipe for chicken breast.

Try his search history.

Oh, that reminds me. I've gotta clear mine.

No one needs to know how many times I've searched

"What is climate change?" [chuckles]

Well, I know. It's, um...

polar bear stuff.

All that's here are a bunch of videos of animals

- doing stupid things. - Oh, cats on a treadmill.

- He fell off. - [both laugh]

Oh, God. I'm so relieved.

I mean, obviously, Conner's going through some weird phase,

but he's still my sweet, innocent, little boy.

[paper crinkles]

What was that sound?

- [both gasp] - Oh, my God!

Whoa!

- Porn! - A lot of porn.

- [groaning] - Oh, my God.

Blond girls, Asian girls... Samoans?

Oh!

You have raised a very multicultural son.

You should be proud.

Oh, yeah, that's what I'm feeling right now. Proud.

Honey, this is normal, okay?

All of it is just-- [gasps]

- It's me! - Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God! - Ah!

I look bloated.

Porn? Conner's been looking at porn?

He's so grounded.

Oh, yeah, lock him in his room by himself.

That'll fix that.

[whispers] Hey, look, Mimi,

have you had "the talk" with him?

The sex talk? No, he's so young,

and I always thought his father would do it.

Well, his dad's in prison,

so who knows what his sex talk might include at this point?

[gasps] Oh! Oh! But I can help.

I was a peer counselor in high school.

[hip-hop music]

A's for areola

B's for boobs and butt

C is for what

[cheers and whistles]

oh yeah

C is for--

Yep, yep. I know what C is for.

Mm-hmm. You said you were never popular in high school, hm.

[giggles] I know, right?

And I had those scrunchies in every color.

Thanks for the offer, but "Caliente" magazine's

"Best Badonk of 2013" is not who I want

- giving the talk to Conner. - [scoffs]

Uh, also 2012. Mm.

Wait, are you giving Conner the sex talk?

My parents were too conservative for that.

They told me an angel died every time I wore short-shorts.

Mm.

Oh, man.

It's about time you had the talk.

I mean, how old is he? Eight? Nine?

- He's 13. - [men groan]

Why? What? What don't I wanna know?

Have you looked under his bed?

[whispers] Yeah. It was porn-a-palooza.

There was also a picture of Ana under there.

all: - Oh! - I know, I know.

It was flattering.

Yeah, and... wildly inappropriate.

I can't believe this is happening.

This is my baby.

He's 13. It's totally normal.

When I was 13, I used to feel up Barbie dolls.

I was shocked when I found out real women have nipples.

I rode the mechanical horse outside the supermarket

well into my teens.

Yeah, when I was 13, I had sex for the first time.

- Oh... - Hmm?

- With a couch. - Ew.

Not my Conner. He is a sweet boy.

- He does all his own laundry. - Oof, a lot of sheets?

No, it's not like that.

He's just very clean, so he takes a lot of showers.

all: - Oh... - Because he gets so messy

spending all that time alone in the treehouse

when he's-- Yeah, okay. He needs the talk.

Just be calm. Don't overreact.

Everything will be-- Oh, my God! I have a zit!

Can you see it?

So Pasi?n and C?sar are stuck in the bear trap, right?

And then the drug lord grabs Luna and kidnaps her.

- Maybe he brainwashed her too. - That's great.

She thinks she's in love with him

- and then they kiss. - Kissing?

both: Ew!

Dude, did you just mix popcorn and M&M's?

- Oh, yeah. - That's brilliant.

I've gotta start contributing more to this friendship.

Here.

[chuckles]

How about we try Crunch Berries and pretzels?

Okay.

Let's do this.

What do we do about this photo shoot?

I can't pretend I don't care.

No makeup. No Photoshop.

What kind of animals do they think we are?

- It's just a tiny zit. - Really?

El diablo!

I'm gonna say it. I don't like this either.

I have stuff to cover up too.

You know, my left bicep is smaller and weaker

than my right one.

Throw me that candle.

See? So weak.

No, so brave.

We all have flaws.

- Right, Xavi? - I don't know.

I guess my lips are so full and pouty

sometimes they get chapped.

I'm sorry, I'm trying.

I don't have the same hang-ups as you guys.

Hey, I was born with only one--

all: Whoa!

Okay. So, Conner, I know your dad isn't here,

but I have a few friends who want to talk to you

about some guy stuff. Huh?

Let me tell you what my father told me.

Boobs.

- Boobs. - Boobs.

For me? No.

Pretend my guitar is a woman.

[strums guitar rapidly]

- Get it? - Ana!

A nun?

Well, it was this or a hot dog costume,

and the hot dog costume was surprisingly sexy.

All right, Conner, Con-man...

crazy times, huh?

Hormones, zits, hair, girls.

Goooooal!

"Baywatch," sticky, cartwheels.

- Can I go now? - No, no, no, no, no, okay.

Look, we're gonna talk like adults.

You are growing up. You're becoming a man.

So you got to let go of your childhood.

It's done, done-zo, gone-zo, finito.

[whistles]

You're gonna have to say good-bye.

Bye, Felicia! Bye, childhood!

Okay, okay, enough adult talk.

Conner, go make a prank phone call.

- To who? - Call your abuela.

Tell her you're George Lopez.

- Oh, okay, yeah. - [laughs]

Okay, good talk, mijo!

Mimi, I was on a roll.

Okay. What? I was-- Really?

Well... I tried. Even the nuns are slutty here.

Oh! There you are.

Are you okay?

I see you left the convent.

Oh, yeah.

People kept confessing things to me.

This crew is into some dark stuff.

Apparently Carol in props is a witch.

Hey, why did you bail on the sex talk?

Because Conner's too young.

Filling his head with all that confusing stuff

before he's ready can really mess him up,

turn him into a serial killer.

Ooh! Or worse,

one of those gold-painted street performers.

Okay, Mimi, I say this out of love,

which means you can't get mad at me.

But have you thought maybe you're the one not ready

for the sex talk?

My mom gut is telling me he's not ready.

Okay. I hear you. I'll back off.

Thank you.

But your mom gut also said Bobby was a keeper,

and we know how that turned out.

Not so good.

where in the world you dropping it?

I got the dollars and I'm ready to sponsor it

Are we ready to do this?

You two over all your little insecurities?

No, we have a plan. We're gonna use each other

to hide our flaws.

Gael is standing here so I can hide my skinny bicep.

And, Xavi, you stand on the other side

to hide my hideous face.

No, I think I'll stand here.

Come on, we're working together.

I'm good here.

Get your perfect lips over there now!

I can't!

I have my mother's jawline!

whoa, now, throw me all off balance

say, good girl, I'm a real bad habit

If I stand there at that angle,

everyone's gonna see.

ain't no debate I'm heaven sent

You have insecurities too?

So many.

You're so brave.

We're all so brave. We can do this.

- Yeah! - Yeah.

- Yeah! - Yeah!

where's the love?

Ow.

- I just think-- - No, I'm not talking

about Conner anymore.

Just let your body go limp and pull my hair.

Pull it.

Hey, what's going on?

Isabela is giving me some pointers on my love scene.

I've made love over 350 times on camera.

And that was just to get her first acting job.

[both laugh]

Did I miss the talk?

'Cause I had a question about placentas

and why my aunt sells them at flea markets.

Okay, no more talk about the talk.

Roxie, I brought you a few options

for your love scene, okay?

Rip-away dress, rip-away necklace, rip-away hair.

- Oh, I feel like a princess! - [clatter]

There's something moving in your closet.

[gasps] Conner!

Okay, guys, I'm ready for you.

[giggles]

So we're just gonna tell her we need makeup.

- Yeah. - And Photoshop.

- Sweet, sweet Photoshop. - Yeah.

And if she doesn't meet our demands, we won't do the shoot.

- Yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

now when you go down 'cause this is my game

I'm ready for my close-up.

[stifled gag]

He does only have one.

what's wrong with being

what's wrong with being

Look at him. So proud.

If Gustavo can have no shame about his body

when he should have so much shame,

then we should be confident about our bodies.

You're right.

Xavi, your mom must be very manly

because your chin is crazy masculine.

Thanks, and your bad bicep is better

than either of my good ones.

And Gael, your zit...

is really, really bad.

Yeah, you actually have two now.

You should hide behind us.

Amen. Let's do this thing.

["Confident" by Demi Lovato]

what's wrong with being

what's wrong with being

what's wrong with being confident?

confident

Can we get him some underwear?

Conner, come out of there right now.

I can't believe you were peeping!

- Roxie, I'm so sorry. - That's okay.

I find guys in my closet all the time.

What? I just thought it was like

a Narnia situation in there.

That is not a thing.

I used to have boys hiding in my closet all the time.

Now there's just mothballs and sometimes Deb, the grip.

Conner, this behavior is absolutely inappropriate.

It's one thing to have a pile of porn under your mattress,

but now you're a peeping Tom?

- You went through my room? - Ooh! I was there too!

I don't know why I just offered that up.

It does not always have to be about me.

Have a seat, young man.

We are having the talk right now.

Finally! Let me grab my notebook.

Everybody, just leave me alone!

I hate you!

- [gasps] - Ohh!

Oh, honey, he doesn't mean it.

Those are just words.

- And you too! - [gasps] Oh!

- Just words? - Yeah.

Conner? Come on.

Please come out. I'm sorry!

God, I can't believe he said he hated me.

No one's ever told me that before.

Twitter doesn't count.

I have my GPS locator on his phone.

He's still in the building.

Oh, thank God! Okay.

Let's check under the stairs.

That's where I go when I hide from you.

- What? - No, can't be mad. Focus.

Look at me, Mother of the Year.

Hey, you are!

Hey, those kids of yours are wonderful,

and that is all you.

You were so strong when their dad went to prison.

Well, I mean, after you came crying to me

and I winded beneath your wings.

There's actually two heroes here.

Seriously, how you are with those boys amazes me.

That's the problem. I know how to be a mom to boys.

I have no idea how to be a mom to men.

Hey, ladies. A few things.

We're ready to rehearse the final scene,

we're having Chinese for lunch, and Mimi's son

is up in prop storage.

Oh! Well, I guess I better bring him down

so I can have that talk, right?

- If he'll even listen. - No, wait!

I know a better way to get through to him.

[dramatic Latin music]

[gasps]

_

_

_

_

[both scream]

[laughs]

_

_

No! Luna's not ready for sex!

- Hmm? - What are you doing?

Why are you doing it in English?

[whispers] All right, guys, listen up, listen.

Conner needs a sex talk.

And I can't improvise the Spanish. Get it?

- Weirdly, yes. - All right.

[normal voice] Luna, your body is changing,

and you may have new feelings and urges you don't understand.

I do!

And as strange as these urges may seem,

it's important for you to know that these feelings

are natural and nothing to be embarrassed about.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

And those things you're doing

that you think no one else is doing?

We're all doing. Huh, right?

Am I right?

Yeah, just ask his couch.

It's a funny time.

You might even get acne on your face,

which does not end at puberty, FYI.

Conner's watching. I think he's listening to them.

And then the sperm fertilizes the eggs,

and that's where babies come from.

Shut... up!

They're butchering our words.

Why are we even here?

And of course, you don't want to have a baby anytime soon,

so always use protection.

And whenever you're ready, we can help you with that.

But you are not gonna be ready for a very long time

until you're older.

- Like 14. - 18.

Or 25... which is not late.

Puberty can be confusing, so you may have some questions.

Talk to somebody who cares about you,

like your mom.

[chuckles] I meant 17.

He was a guy at camp. You didn't know him.

We're talking about first times?

I have two words for you. Pat Sajak.

- Ooh! - Ew! Please just stop!

- Okay. - I get it!

Good job.

Um, I just have a few more questions.

[upbeat music]

This was the worst day of my life.

Oh, sweetie, it gets much worse than this, yeah.

You're gonna get your heart broken.

You might end up in a dead-end job.

People you love are gonna start dying.

Nobody really knows what happens after death.

I think it's just nothingness.

And you wonder why you got kicked out

of the peer counseling program.

- Ooh. - Listen.

All you need to know is this.

No matter what happens, I'm here for you.

Remember that.

- Thanks, Mom. - Oh...

- Did you see that smile? - Mm-hmm.

And he wants to sit down and talk later tonight.

He says he has a lot more questions.

Mainly about the plot of our show,

which he found very confusing.

Yeah, me too! Wait, so I'm a lawyer

who also runs a vineyard? What?

Listen. Thanks for everything today.

It's nice to know I'm not alone.

Oh, honey, you're welcome. We're your family.

- Mama! - Hey, baby.

Ah, thanks for looking after him today.

both: You're welcome.

It was great working with you, Archie.

You think you can come back tomorrow,

maybe bounce around that robo-baby idea you had?

I can't. It's pizza day at school,

and I got show-and-tell on Friday, so...

I get it.

Maybe we can get a chocolate milk sometime.

You got a great kid there.

[chuckles] See?

You're an awesome mom after all.

- I guess so. - Wait up, Mom!

Oh, hey! [chuckles]

I did not almost forget my third child!

- Where were you? - In the weapons room.

They had all these grenades.

Oh, yeah, I'm killing it.

[playful music]

Aha! I know you're there!

Whoo!

Deb?

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