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1
00:00:01,871 --> 00:00:03,503
Just a few more questions.
2
00:00:03,504 --> 00:00:05,236
- Still single?
- Yes.
3
00:00:05,237 --> 00:00:07,503
Okay. Any recent sexual partners?
4
00:00:07,504 --> 00:00:08,504
No.
5
00:00:08,505 --> 00:00:11,258
All righty, any chance
you might be pregnant?
6
00:00:11,659 --> 00:00:14,103
- No.
- Are you planning on becoming pregnant?
7
00:00:14,104 --> 00:00:15,670
Because at 30, you have five more years
8
00:00:15,671 --> 00:00:17,703
before it's considered
a geriatric pregnancy.
9
00:00:17,704 --> 00:00:20,636
I'm sorry, can we just get to the exam?
10
00:00:20,637 --> 00:00:23,270
These questions are making
me feel bad about myself.
11
00:00:23,271 --> 00:00:25,503
Sure, sure.
12
00:00:25,504 --> 00:00:28,170
I've had this on ice all morning.
13
00:00:28,171 --> 00:00:30,336
[LAUGHS] I'm just kidding.
14
00:00:30,337 --> 00:00:33,003
But it's probably gonna be pretty cold.
15
00:00:33,004 --> 00:00:35,303
Now just relax.
16
00:00:35,304 --> 00:00:36,304
[INHALES SHARPLY]
17
00:00:36,304 --> 00:00:37,304
[ROCK MUSIC]
18
00:00:37,305 --> 00:00:40,003
? Tear it down ?
19
00:00:40,004 --> 00:00:41,303
? Tear it down ?
20
00:00:41,304 --> 00:00:42,770
Third through fifth
grade teachers, here are
21
00:00:42,771 --> 00:00:46,436
your materials for this
week's standardized tests.
22
00:00:46,437 --> 00:00:49,036
- Welcome to hell.
- These tests are racist.
23
00:00:49,037 --> 00:00:50,903
They're biased towards
privileged white males.
24
00:00:50,904 --> 00:00:53,170
- I always did well on them.
- Yeah, you're white.
25
00:00:53,171 --> 00:00:56,136
Nice try. My spray tan
artist says I'm Tuscan buff.
26
00:00:56,137 --> 00:00:57,770
Well, they're state mandated.
27
00:00:57,771 --> 00:00:59,836
And I have enough problems already.
28
00:00:59,837 --> 00:01:02,870
Some hipster parents heard
on NPR that their kids
29
00:01:02,871 --> 00:01:05,070
can opt out of the tests
if they write a note.
30
00:01:05,071 --> 00:01:08,070
- Who cares if they opt out?
- All of us should.
31
00:01:08,071 --> 00:01:09,803
If less students take the tests,
32
00:01:09,804 --> 00:01:12,870
it could skew our results
downward and we'll lose funding.
33
00:01:12,871 --> 00:01:14,770
Whatever. These kids are middle class.
34
00:01:14,771 --> 00:01:16,370
They can bring supplies from home.
35
00:01:16,371 --> 00:01:18,270
And you'll lose your merit-based pay.
36
00:01:18,271 --> 00:01:19,936
Whoa, whoa, whoa, I can't afford
37
00:01:19,937 --> 00:01:21,403
to have my salary reduced.
38
00:01:21,404 --> 00:01:23,136
I've only had two of eight full-body
39
00:01:23,137 --> 00:01:24,770
laser hair removal treatments.
40
00:01:24,771 --> 00:01:27,770
That's why it's imperative
that we keep this a secret.
41
00:01:27,771 --> 00:01:30,703
Ms. Cannon, you'll be
monitoring the multipurpose room
42
00:01:30,704 --> 00:01:33,136
where the opt-out
students will be separated
43
00:01:33,137 --> 00:01:35,370
- from the general population.
- Don't you think
44
00:01:35,371 --> 00:01:36,936
- that's just gonna mean...
- That's enough.
45
00:01:36,937 --> 00:01:40,270
I expect us all to comply
for the good of Fillmore.
46
00:01:40,271 --> 00:01:42,337
This isn't a democracy.
47
00:01:45,304 --> 00:01:47,103
Why's your hair out of place?
48
00:01:47,104 --> 00:01:49,803
[GASPS] You slut!
49
00:01:49,804 --> 00:01:52,736
Did a big old barge finally
come through your Panama Canal?
50
00:01:52,737 --> 00:01:55,536
No, as I'm being reminded
for the 13th time today,
51
00:01:55,537 --> 00:01:58,236
I have not had sex
in a really long time!
52
00:01:58,237 --> 00:02:02,370
You and me both, sister. [LAUGHS]
53
00:02:02,371 --> 00:02:04,136
I was at the gynecologist.
54
00:02:04,137 --> 00:02:05,603
When he found out I was turning 30,
55
00:02:05,604 --> 00:02:07,570
he went on about how time
was running out for me
56
00:02:07,571 --> 00:02:09,070
if I want to have a child.
57
00:02:09,071 --> 00:02:13,070
He actually said "tick-tock"
as he swiped my cervix.
58
00:02:13,071 --> 00:02:14,770
A male gynecologist?
59
00:02:14,771 --> 00:02:16,936
Ooh, I don't trust a man
who looks at my vagina
60
00:02:16,937 --> 00:02:19,336
- and doesn't get turned on.
- Don't worry, Caroline,
61
00:02:19,337 --> 00:02:20,570
you're still young.
62
00:02:20,571 --> 00:02:21,970
You have plenty of time to have kids.
63
00:02:21,971 --> 00:02:23,470
No, I don't. According to my life plan,
64
00:02:23,471 --> 00:02:25,103
I was supposed to be married last year,
65
00:02:25,104 --> 00:02:28,070
have conceived nine months ago,
and be giving birth this month.
66
00:02:28,071 --> 00:02:30,236
I'm not even dating anyone!
67
00:02:30,237 --> 00:02:31,770
Your plan is that specific?
68
00:02:31,771 --> 00:02:34,203
Yeah. Not all of us are
going to get pregnant
69
00:02:34,204 --> 00:02:35,636
from sitting in a hot tub.
70
00:02:35,637 --> 00:02:37,703
Okay, first of all, it was a Jacuzzi.
71
00:02:37,704 --> 00:02:39,736
And second of all, the
doctor said it was just gas
72
00:02:39,737 --> 00:02:41,070
from all of the champagne.
73
00:02:41,071 --> 00:02:42,570
I should have just
frozen some of my eggs
74
00:02:42,571 --> 00:02:44,271
when I donated back in college.
75
00:02:44,335 --> 00:02:46,135
Wait, you donated your eggs?
76
00:02:46,137 --> 00:02:48,170
I thought that was just
for unattractive people
77
00:02:48,172 --> 00:02:50,639
who couldn't strip their
way through law school.
78
00:02:50,641 --> 00:02:53,442
I had to. My father cut
me off from my trust fund
79
00:02:53,444 --> 00:02:56,145
for a semester when I dated a Democrat.
80
00:02:56,147 --> 00:02:59,515
Well, ladies, as much as this
conversation has reaffirmed
81
00:02:59,517 --> 00:03:01,350
my belief in assisted suicide,
82
00:03:01,352 --> 00:03:05,287
we have to go turn children
into mindless testing robots.
83
00:03:05,289 --> 00:03:09,191
? ?
84
00:03:09,193 --> 00:03:11,493
So sad about Ms. Cabot.
85
00:03:11,495 --> 00:03:13,929
- I can't believe she died.
- Who?
86
00:03:13,931 --> 00:03:16,966
Ms. Cabot. She taught third grade.
87
00:03:16,968 --> 00:03:19,301
The same grade as you.
88
00:03:19,303 --> 00:03:21,070
Ohh!
89
00:03:21,072 --> 00:03:23,772
It was just so unexpected.
90
00:03:23,774 --> 00:03:26,275
- Wasn't she like 90?
- Exactly.
91
00:03:26,277 --> 00:03:29,445
I really had gotten to know
her these last couple of years.
92
00:03:29,447 --> 00:03:32,348
I'm gonna miss her stories
about atom bomb drills.
93
00:03:32,350 --> 00:03:33,983
Who's gonna get all of her stuff?
94
00:03:33,985 --> 00:03:36,552
I don't know. They tried
calling her emergency contacts,
95
00:03:36,554 --> 00:03:39,154
but they've all been dead
since the Nixon administration.
96
00:03:39,156 --> 00:03:41,690
There's probably some pretty
valuable stuff in here.
97
00:03:41,692 --> 00:03:43,392
Looks like a ton of junk to me.
98
00:03:43,394 --> 00:03:48,030
You couldn't pay me to shovel
this shit into a dumpster fire.
99
00:03:48,032 --> 00:03:50,366
With all respect to
the deceased, of course.
100
00:03:50,368 --> 00:03:51,467
? ?
101
00:03:51,869 --> 00:03:55,104
Great job cutting and gluing, everybody.
102
00:03:55,106 --> 00:03:56,905
I'm sure the older kids taking the tests
103
00:03:56,907 --> 00:03:59,342
appreciate how quiet you're being.
104
00:04:00,244 --> 00:04:04,013
Samantha, how are you enjoying
your first week at Fillmore?
105
00:04:04,015 --> 00:04:06,949
It's nice, but not as
clean as my old school.
106
00:04:08,386 --> 00:04:10,953
[GASPS] Is that a baby Lysol?
107
00:04:10,955 --> 00:04:15,658
Cute. You can never get a
place spotless with kids around.
108
00:04:15,660 --> 00:04:19,328
- Tell me about it.
- [BOTH LAUGH]
109
00:04:19,330 --> 00:04:22,831
Oh, I love your pencil bag.
110
00:04:22,833 --> 00:04:25,167
Thanks, I embroidered it myself.
111
00:04:25,169 --> 00:04:27,836
Not enough people appreciate paisley.
112
00:04:27,838 --> 00:04:30,105
I couldn't agree more.
113
00:04:32,977 --> 00:04:34,843
Okay, guys, clear off your desks
114
00:04:34,845 --> 00:04:36,679
and take out your number two pencils.
115
00:04:36,681 --> 00:04:38,647
What about our "Real
Housewives" projects?
116
00:04:38,649 --> 00:04:40,115
No, we won't be able to discuss
117
00:04:40,117 --> 00:04:41,817
Vicki Gunvalson's
control issues this week.
118
00:04:41,819 --> 00:04:44,153
[OMINOUS MUSICAL STING]
119
00:04:44,155 --> 00:04:47,956
We have to do things that
are mandated by the state.
120
00:04:47,958 --> 00:04:50,159
- What is this?
- My mom heard on the radio
121
00:04:50,161 --> 00:04:53,362
- I don't have to take this.
- Shh!
122
00:04:53,364 --> 00:04:54,563
The others will hear you.
123
00:04:54,565 --> 00:04:55,964
Just go to the multipurpose room
124
00:04:55,966 --> 00:04:57,866
and do not talk to
anyone on your way there.
125
00:04:57,868 --> 00:04:59,635
Okay? [GIGGLES]
126
00:05:01,372 --> 00:05:02,504
Hey, where's she going?
127
00:05:02,506 --> 00:05:04,173
[SERENE FLUTE MUSIC]
128
00:05:04,175 --> 00:05:07,009
She's gone to a better place.
129
00:05:12,683 --> 00:05:15,250
Deb, what are you doing?
130
00:05:15,252 --> 00:05:17,252
You said all of her
emergency contacts were dead.
131
00:05:17,254 --> 00:05:21,056
- This stuff is gonna go to waste.
- So you're stealing it?
132
00:05:21,058 --> 00:05:24,860
Proverbs 29:24: He who
is a partner with a thief
133
00:05:24,862 --> 00:05:26,061
hates his own life.
134
00:05:26,063 --> 00:05:29,031
He hears the oath but tells nothing.
135
00:05:29,033 --> 00:05:30,366
[OMINOUS MUSICAL FLOURISH]
136
00:05:30,368 --> 00:05:31,700
I don't know how to respond to that.
137
00:05:31,702 --> 00:05:33,535
I'm shaming you, Deb!
138
00:05:33,537 --> 00:05:35,704
Her body is barely cold and
you're putting her things
139
00:05:35,706 --> 00:05:38,474
in a garbage bag like the Hamburglar.
140
00:05:38,476 --> 00:05:40,943
You're right.
141
00:05:40,945 --> 00:05:43,946
I'm gross. I'll put everything back.
142
00:05:43,948 --> 00:05:46,081
Thank you.
143
00:05:46,083 --> 00:05:48,217
Oh, for future reference,
144
00:05:48,219 --> 00:05:50,586
that Bible stuff doesn't work on me.
145
00:05:50,588 --> 00:05:52,654
But the Hamburglar?
146
00:05:52,656 --> 00:05:53,656
That really hit home.
147
00:05:53,657 --> 00:05:56,759
[ROCK MUSIC]
148
00:05:58,028 --> 00:06:00,262
Thanks for letting me
borrow your labeler.
149
00:06:00,264 --> 00:06:02,965
I kept putting my
crayons in my markers box,
150
00:06:02,967 --> 00:06:05,234
and it's driving me bananas.
151
00:06:05,236 --> 00:06:07,536
No problem.
152
00:06:07,538 --> 00:06:10,072
Did anyone want to
present their family tree?
153
00:06:10,074 --> 00:06:13,909
- I do!
- Samantha? Go ahead.
154
00:06:16,147 --> 00:06:19,748
This is me and my dad,
Eric, and his mom and dad,
155
00:06:19,750 --> 00:06:21,750
- Bill and Doris.
- Why is there
156
00:06:21,752 --> 00:06:24,153
a big question mark
next to your mom's side?
157
00:06:24,155 --> 00:06:27,689
Because I don't know
who my biological mom is.
158
00:06:27,691 --> 00:06:29,258
She gave her eggs to my parents
159
00:06:29,260 --> 00:06:31,593
because they couldn't have a baby.
160
00:06:31,595 --> 00:06:33,962
I'm sorry, what?
161
00:06:33,964 --> 00:06:35,798
No, my headband.
162
00:06:35,800 --> 00:06:37,633
[UPBEAT ORCHESTRA MUSIC]
163
00:06:37,635 --> 00:06:41,003
That's okay, I brought
my emergency headband.
164
00:06:41,005 --> 00:06:47,943
? ?
165
00:06:50,080 --> 00:06:51,647
She's my daughter.
166
00:06:55,835 --> 00:06:58,202
I think it's a world peace button.
167
00:06:58,204 --> 00:06:59,470
Boop. [LAUGHS]
168
00:06:59,472 --> 00:07:01,038
Okay, go explore your freedom, boys.
169
00:07:01,040 --> 00:07:03,574
Hey, Eliza left this in my class.
170
00:07:03,576 --> 00:07:05,009
I have to remove all signs of her
171
00:07:05,011 --> 00:07:07,478
so the other kids stop
asking where she went.
172
00:07:07,480 --> 00:07:09,313
Wow, this place is great.
173
00:07:09,315 --> 00:07:12,183
Yes. This is life in a test-free world,
174
00:07:12,185 --> 00:07:13,951
where students are free
to express themselves,
175
00:07:13,953 --> 00:07:16,020
not be judged by how well
they can fill in a bubble.
176
00:07:16,022 --> 00:07:18,756
Ms. Snap, we're having the best time.
177
00:07:18,758 --> 00:07:21,425
This morning, I learned
how to play the didgeridoo.
178
00:07:21,427 --> 00:07:24,762
And now I'm writing a
play about Cesar Chavez.
179
00:07:24,764 --> 00:07:27,231
Oh, that is wonderful!
180
00:07:27,233 --> 00:07:29,033
But if you see any of your classmates,
181
00:07:29,035 --> 00:07:30,334
don't say anything to them.
182
00:07:30,336 --> 00:07:32,203
Ms. Snap is getting laser hair removal
183
00:07:32,205 --> 00:07:34,605
and they haven't gotten
to the hedges growing next
184
00:07:34,607 --> 00:07:36,741
to my back door, if
you know what I mean.
185
00:07:36,743 --> 00:07:40,745
? ?
186
00:07:40,747 --> 00:07:42,146
Mr. and Mrs. Schmidt,
187
00:07:42,148 --> 00:07:44,715
I just wanted to let
you know that Samantha
188
00:07:44,717 --> 00:07:47,218
is adjusting to Fillmore wonderfully.
189
00:07:47,220 --> 00:07:49,186
- Oh.
- I know it's only been a week
190
00:07:49,188 --> 00:07:51,155
and I'm not supposed to say this,
191
00:07:51,157 --> 00:07:53,791
but she's my favorite student.
192
00:07:53,793 --> 00:07:55,793
That's so great to hear.
193
00:07:55,795 --> 00:07:58,062
We were nervous about
making such a big move
194
00:07:58,064 --> 00:07:59,797
halfway through the school year.
195
00:07:59,799 --> 00:08:02,667
Where exactly did you move from?
196
00:08:02,669 --> 00:08:05,937
- Connecticut.
- I knew it!
197
00:08:05,939 --> 00:08:08,339
I mean, I am from there as well,
198
00:08:08,341 --> 00:08:10,942
and you always recognize
a fellow Connecticuter.
199
00:08:10,944 --> 00:08:12,543
- [ALL LAUGH]
- Absolutely.
200
00:08:12,545 --> 00:08:15,146
Now, there was something I
wanted to talk to you about.
201
00:08:15,148 --> 00:08:17,214
- Oh.
- We were recently working
202
00:08:17,216 --> 00:08:21,018
on family trees and Samantha
told me something interesting.
203
00:08:21,020 --> 00:08:22,520
Now I don't want to get this wrong,
204
00:08:22,522 --> 00:08:27,358
but I think she said
something about an egg,
205
00:08:27,360 --> 00:08:31,529
giving an egg, she
definitely mentioned an egg.
206
00:08:31,531 --> 00:08:33,397
Yes, we used an egg donor.
207
00:08:33,399 --> 00:08:35,633
We've been very open
with her about that.
208
00:08:35,635 --> 00:08:38,636
Connecticut egg donor.
209
00:08:38,638 --> 00:08:41,105
I see.
210
00:08:41,107 --> 00:08:43,374
You know, when I was little,
211
00:08:43,376 --> 00:08:45,576
I went to a polo camp in Vermont.
212
00:08:45,578 --> 00:08:48,946
We learned sportsmanship
and got to spend time
213
00:08:48,948 --> 00:08:52,416
with other children of a certain ilk.
214
00:08:52,418 --> 00:08:54,452
It was magical.
215
00:08:54,454 --> 00:08:57,054
Maybe you could send
my child there, too.
216
00:08:57,056 --> 00:08:59,590
I'm sorry, your child?
217
00:08:59,592 --> 00:09:03,828
Oh, I call all the
children in the class mine.
218
00:09:03,830 --> 00:09:06,430
I'm very passionate about my job.
219
00:09:06,432 --> 00:09:07,665
[BOTH LAUGH]
220
00:09:07,667 --> 00:09:09,166
Okay.
221
00:09:09,168 --> 00:09:11,402
Hey, I just wanted
to say I'm sorry again
222
00:09:11,404 --> 00:09:14,538
for trying to rob Ms. Cabot.
223
00:09:14,540 --> 00:09:16,307
Dude! Are you serious?
224
00:09:16,309 --> 00:09:19,143
You made me feel like shit and
then you did the same thing!
225
00:09:19,145 --> 00:09:21,045
I most certainly did not.
226
00:09:21,047 --> 00:09:23,280
I took my friend's
belongings that she would have
227
00:09:23,282 --> 00:09:24,849
- wanted me to have.
- [SCOFFS]
228
00:09:24,851 --> 00:09:26,584
Why would she want
you to have her stuff?
229
00:09:26,586 --> 00:09:28,419
Because I actually knew her.
230
00:09:28,421 --> 00:09:29,553
I knew her, too!
231
00:09:29,555 --> 00:09:33,324
[LAUGHS] We used to have
this great inside joke
232
00:09:33,326 --> 00:09:36,260
where she'd be walking down
the hall and I'd be behind her
233
00:09:36,262 --> 00:09:38,262
and she'd be going really slow
234
00:09:38,264 --> 00:09:41,499
and then I'd yell, "For
Christ sakes, move!"
235
00:09:41,501 --> 00:09:43,968
That just sounds like
you were being rude.
236
00:09:43,970 --> 00:09:45,836
Whatever. I loved Ms. Abbot.
237
00:09:45,838 --> 00:09:47,638
- Cabot.
- Right!
238
00:09:47,640 --> 00:09:50,474
I miss her. Now give
me some of her stuff.
239
00:09:50,476 --> 00:09:51,575
No!
240
00:09:51,577 --> 00:09:52,977
You're like Grimace.
241
00:09:52,979 --> 00:09:54,945
Trying to have all the
shakes for yourself.
242
00:09:54,947 --> 00:09:57,648
Damn! That always gets me.
243
00:09:57,650 --> 00:10:00,785
Fine, we need someone fair
and impartial to mediate this.
244
00:10:00,787 --> 00:10:02,620
Come on.
245
00:10:02,622 --> 00:10:05,623
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
246
00:10:05,625 --> 00:10:12,196
? ?
247
00:10:12,198 --> 00:10:14,532
Hey, do you know where Eliza went?
248
00:10:14,534 --> 00:10:18,369
I heard she's in a place
where you make sock puppets,
249
00:10:18,371 --> 00:10:20,805
eat oatmeal cream pies for breakfast,
250
00:10:20,807 --> 00:10:22,807
and slide down rainbows
covered in glitter.
251
00:10:22,809 --> 00:10:26,043
You mean a land where kids
aren't made to do word problems
252
00:10:26,045 --> 00:10:28,879
by the government?
253
00:10:28,881 --> 00:10:30,915
Ms. Snap, I wanna go to the happy place
254
00:10:30,917 --> 00:10:32,583
where there are no tests!
255
00:10:32,585 --> 00:10:35,186
There is no such place.
256
00:10:35,188 --> 00:10:37,054
Anyway, sometimes in life
257
00:10:37,056 --> 00:10:38,689
you have to do stuff
that you don't want to.
258
00:10:38,691 --> 00:10:40,958
I don't wanna remove hair
from every part of my body,
259
00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:42,326
but apparently, one of my ancestors
260
00:10:42,328 --> 00:10:44,495
mated with a yeti and I have to.
261
00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:49,567
Okay, fine.
262
00:10:49,569 --> 00:10:51,035
There is a way to get out of taking...
263
00:10:51,037 --> 00:10:52,570
[INTERCOM BEEPS] Students,
264
00:10:52,572 --> 00:10:54,305
I know you all have been working hard,
265
00:10:54,307 --> 00:10:56,307
and I urge you in the coming days
266
00:10:56,309 --> 00:10:59,510
to forge ahead for
the glory of Fillmore.
267
00:10:59,512 --> 00:11:01,412
That is all.
268
00:11:01,414 --> 00:11:03,013
Ms. Snap.
269
00:11:03,015 --> 00:11:04,582
What were you going to say?
270
00:11:04,584 --> 00:11:05,850
I can't.
271
00:11:05,852 --> 00:11:08,886
? ?
272
00:11:08,888 --> 00:11:10,354
He's always watching.
273
00:11:10,356 --> 00:11:12,490
So I pulled Ms. Cabot's
file like you asked.
274
00:11:12,492 --> 00:11:14,725
I'm gonna quiz you on
her personal information.
275
00:11:14,727 --> 00:11:17,862
Whoever gets the most
right gets all her stuff.
276
00:11:17,864 --> 00:11:19,930
[CLEARS THROAT] Question number one.
277
00:11:19,932 --> 00:11:22,933
Mary-Louise, where was Ms. Cabot born?
278
00:11:22,935 --> 00:11:24,235
Omaha, Nebraska.
279
00:11:24,237 --> 00:11:26,437
Oh, I'm sorry. That's incorrect.
280
00:11:26,439 --> 00:11:27,738
Deb for the steal?
281
00:11:27,740 --> 00:11:30,074
Uh...
282
00:11:30,076 --> 00:11:32,076
[IMITATES BUZZER] The correct answer
283
00:11:32,078 --> 00:11:34,645
- was Leawood, Kansas.
- What?
284
00:11:34,647 --> 00:11:38,449
Deb, where did Ms. Cabot
get her teaching certificate?
285
00:11:38,451 --> 00:11:40,484
Pass. Aren't there any
true-or-false ones in there?
286
00:11:40,486 --> 00:11:42,453
Ooh, no, I'm sorry. There are not.
287
00:11:42,455 --> 00:11:45,189
- Mary-Louise for the steal.
- The Teacher Training Institute
288
00:11:45,191 --> 00:11:46,924
for Unmarried Women in Sioux City.
289
00:11:46,926 --> 00:11:49,160
- Oh, incorrect.
- No, it's not.
290
00:11:49,162 --> 00:11:51,662
The answer is the Iowa
State Normal School.
291
00:11:51,664 --> 00:11:53,697
- No, it's...
- Yes, it is, duh.
292
00:11:53,699 --> 00:11:55,432
I got the answers right here.
293
00:11:55,434 --> 00:11:58,269
Deb, how many dependents
does Ms. Cabot have?
294
00:11:58,271 --> 00:12:00,871
- I don't know, one?
- Zero.
295
00:12:00,873 --> 00:12:04,108
[SIGHS] Dudes, this
just isn't fun anymore.
296
00:12:04,110 --> 00:12:05,943
I don't normally criticize people
297
00:12:05,945 --> 00:12:09,580
'cause I'm rolling through the
school day on a snack cake high,
298
00:12:09,582 --> 00:12:13,484
but I gotta say, this
is really pathetic.
299
00:12:13,486 --> 00:12:15,953
The two of you are acting like vultures.
300
00:12:15,955 --> 00:12:17,555
I really thought I knew her.
301
00:12:17,557 --> 00:12:20,191
Clearly, neither of
us deserve her stuff.
302
00:12:20,193 --> 00:12:22,826
We're garbage people.
303
00:12:22,828 --> 00:12:24,662
I'll put everything back.
304
00:12:24,664 --> 00:12:29,633
I think that's the right thing to do.
305
00:12:29,635 --> 00:12:32,670
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
306
00:12:32,672 --> 00:12:37,441
? ?
307
00:12:39,245 --> 00:12:41,812
Samantha, are you left-handed?
308
00:12:41,814 --> 00:12:44,315
- No.
- Oh, thank God.
309
00:12:44,317 --> 00:12:46,050
Hey, Caroline, do you have any more
310
00:12:46,052 --> 00:12:47,551
industrial-sized garbage bags?
311
00:12:47,553 --> 00:12:49,687
I need to return Ms.
Cabot's things to her room.
312
00:12:49,689 --> 00:12:51,755
Oh, sure. They're in my supply closet
313
00:12:51,757 --> 00:12:54,858
under "G" for "garbage bags."
314
00:12:54,860 --> 00:12:58,896
Samantha, uh-uh. You
didn't push your chair in.
315
00:12:58,898 --> 00:13:01,432
I expect that kind of behavior
from the other students,
316
00:13:01,434 --> 00:13:02,533
but not you.
317
00:13:02,535 --> 00:13:07,304
We don't do that. Thank you.
318
00:13:07,306 --> 00:13:09,707
You sure you should be
treating her differently?
319
00:13:09,709 --> 00:13:12,776
You know, putting her
desk next to yours?
320
00:13:12,778 --> 00:13:14,945
[WHISPERS] How dare you
tell me how to parent!
321
00:13:14,947 --> 00:13:16,513
Get out of here!
322
00:13:20,795 --> 00:13:24,297
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
323
00:13:24,299 --> 00:13:26,065
And remember, Fillmore's future
324
00:13:26,067 --> 00:13:28,267
does not depend on you as an individual,
325
00:13:28,269 --> 00:13:30,336
but on your collective efforts.
326
00:13:30,338 --> 00:13:32,672
Persevere. That is all.
327
00:13:32,674 --> 00:13:34,907
My eyes hurt from reading.
328
00:13:34,909 --> 00:13:36,376
Why can't we go to the bathroom?
329
00:13:36,378 --> 00:13:38,711
I can't let anyone go
now that we've started.
330
00:13:38,713 --> 00:13:41,280
[DOOR OPENS] Hey.
331
00:13:41,282 --> 00:13:43,282
I wanted to see how you were holding up.
332
00:13:43,284 --> 00:13:46,519
Not good. My students are,
like, losing their will to live.
333
00:13:46,521 --> 00:13:48,321
There's plenty of space
in the multipurpose room.
334
00:13:48,323 --> 00:13:50,023
I can't. My salary is gonna get cut
335
00:13:50,025 --> 00:13:51,257
if my scores aren't high enough.
336
00:13:51,259 --> 00:13:53,292
This is killing me. I mean,
337
00:13:53,294 --> 00:13:55,962
I know I'm a little bit
selfish, but I do have a heart.
338
00:13:55,964 --> 00:13:58,164
Remember when I started
that surprise GoFundMe,
339
00:13:58,166 --> 00:14:00,433
encouraging my cousin
to have a nose job?
340
00:14:00,435 --> 00:14:04,637
This situation is almost
as bad as her nose was.
341
00:14:04,639 --> 00:14:06,673
And her nose was really bad.
342
00:14:08,610 --> 00:14:11,277
I think I can help.
343
00:14:11,279 --> 00:14:13,246
[WHISPERING] I can't free them all,
344
00:14:13,248 --> 00:14:16,215
but I bet I could smuggle
one out in my art cart.
345
00:14:16,217 --> 00:14:19,185
[NORMAL VOICE] Give me
your tired, your poor,
346
00:14:19,187 --> 00:14:21,988
your huddled masses
yearning to breathe free.
347
00:14:21,990 --> 00:14:24,857
That is beautiful. Did you make that up?
348
00:14:24,859 --> 00:14:26,392
No, it's on the Statue of Liberty.
349
00:14:26,394 --> 00:14:28,961
Uh, I loved her in "Ghostbusters."
350
00:14:28,963 --> 00:14:30,763
Thanks for the ice cream.
351
00:14:30,765 --> 00:14:33,066
You're the nicest teacher I've ever had.
352
00:14:33,068 --> 00:14:35,401
Thank you. I just hope
you weren't too full
353
00:14:35,403 --> 00:14:38,204
- from the lunch I packed you.
- No, no.
354
00:14:38,206 --> 00:14:41,140
It was great. I love the
note you left on my napkin.
355
00:14:41,142 --> 00:14:42,909
- Oh.
- Can I go play?
356
00:14:42,911 --> 00:14:45,712
- Samantha.
- May I go play?
357
00:14:45,714 --> 00:14:47,647
Yes, you may.
358
00:14:47,649 --> 00:14:49,782
Hey, where'd you get that ice cream?
359
00:14:49,784 --> 00:14:51,284
Ms. Watson got it for me.
360
00:14:51,286 --> 00:14:52,852
That's 'cause you're the teacher's pet.
361
00:14:52,854 --> 00:14:55,188
- No, I'm not.
- Teacher's pet! Teacher's pet!
362
00:14:55,190 --> 00:14:56,522
- Give it back!
- Henry.
363
00:14:56,524 --> 00:14:58,391
- Teacher's pet! Teacher's pet!
- Stop!
364
00:14:58,393 --> 00:15:00,426
- Teacher's pet! Teacher's pet!
- Henry, stop that.
365
00:15:00,428 --> 00:15:02,428
- Give it back!
- Leave my daughter alone!
366
00:15:05,867 --> 00:15:06,867
What?
367
00:15:06,868 --> 00:15:09,836
[ROCK MUSIC]
368
00:15:09,838 --> 00:15:12,105
You're welcome to come to
church with me and repent
369
00:15:12,107 --> 00:15:14,240
- if you still feel guilty.
- No thanks.
370
00:15:14,242 --> 00:15:16,809
I feel bad but not bad
enough to waste a Sunday.
371
00:15:16,811 --> 00:15:18,511
RIP, Ms. Cabot.
372
00:15:18,513 --> 00:15:19,645
Feldman?
373
00:15:19,647 --> 00:15:22,749
"Antiques Roadshow," here I come, y'all.
374
00:15:22,751 --> 00:15:24,717
What were you thinking?
375
00:15:24,719 --> 00:15:27,286
I had to spend two hours
comforting the Schmidts,
376
00:15:27,288 --> 00:15:29,722
who were deeply disturbed.
377
00:15:29,724 --> 00:15:31,357
Samantha is not your daughter.
378
00:15:31,359 --> 00:15:34,527
Excuse me, but I have seen
every episode of "Law & Order,"
379
00:15:34,529 --> 00:15:36,395
and if there's one thing I know,
380
00:15:36,397 --> 00:15:39,332
it's that a mother
always knows her child.
381
00:15:39,334 --> 00:15:41,100
They keep in touch with their egg donor!
382
00:15:41,102 --> 00:15:42,969
Okay? Her name is Brooke
383
00:15:42,971 --> 00:15:47,507
and she's an
anesthesiologist in New Haven.
384
00:15:47,509 --> 00:15:50,710
But I was so sure.
385
00:15:50,712 --> 00:15:52,979
I guess I just got excited
about the possibility
386
00:15:52,981 --> 00:15:56,149
of having a child because I feel
like I'm running out of time.
387
00:15:56,151 --> 00:15:58,351
[GENTLE MUSIC]
388
00:15:58,353 --> 00:16:01,220
I don't wanna be like
Ms. Cabot, you know?
389
00:16:01,222 --> 00:16:04,023
Without somebody to come get my things.
390
00:16:04,025 --> 00:16:06,259
I do know.
391
00:16:06,261 --> 00:16:08,661
I always wanted to be a father,
392
00:16:08,663 --> 00:16:10,963
but I could never convince Roberta.
393
00:16:10,965 --> 00:16:14,767
And now I'm all alone
and she's expecting twins
394
00:16:14,769 --> 00:16:18,204
with a blue jean mogul.
395
00:16:18,206 --> 00:16:20,239
I feel like I'm running
out of time, too.
396
00:16:20,241 --> 00:16:23,609
Okay, I'm sorry. I can't listen
to you complain about this.
397
00:16:23,611 --> 00:16:25,578
You're a man. You could
be a hundred years old,
398
00:16:25,580 --> 00:16:28,281
paralyzed from the neck down
and still get somebody pregnant.
399
00:16:28,283 --> 00:16:31,217
I'm 29. In this culture,
I'm practically dead.
400
00:16:31,219 --> 00:16:32,819
- That's not true.
- Yes, it is!
401
00:16:32,821 --> 00:16:34,487
Do you have any idea
what it's like to deal
402
00:16:34,489 --> 00:16:36,222
with a constant barrage
of people asking you
403
00:16:36,224 --> 00:16:38,124
if you're married or have kids yet?
404
00:16:38,126 --> 00:16:41,027
Because apparently, that's what
makes you a legitimate woman
405
00:16:41,029 --> 00:16:42,361
in this country.
406
00:16:42,363 --> 00:16:44,163
Do you think I wanna be like this?
407
00:16:44,165 --> 00:16:46,365
I don't! But when it comes down to it,
408
00:16:46,367 --> 00:16:49,302
women's bodies are operating
on an unfair timeline.
409
00:16:49,304 --> 00:16:50,703
We're still programmed to be given away
410
00:16:50,705 --> 00:16:53,105
at 14 years old for a couple of sheep,
411
00:16:53,107 --> 00:16:55,675
and turn geriatric by the age of 35.
412
00:16:55,677 --> 00:16:57,610
So I'm sorry, Toby,
413
00:16:57,612 --> 00:17:00,580
but you're not running out of time.
414
00:17:00,582 --> 00:17:02,448
I am.
415
00:17:02,450 --> 00:17:05,985
I apologize. You're right.
416
00:17:05,987 --> 00:17:09,055
I can't tell you that
you've got plenty of time.
417
00:17:09,057 --> 00:17:12,491
But I can tell you that
your unnatural attachment
418
00:17:12,493 --> 00:17:15,027
to that child proves that someday
419
00:17:15,029 --> 00:17:18,698
you will be a wonderful mother.
420
00:17:18,700 --> 00:17:21,634
Thank you.
421
00:17:21,636 --> 00:17:24,604
That actually makes me
feel a little better.
422
00:17:24,606 --> 00:17:26,239
Good.
423
00:17:26,241 --> 00:17:27,740
Well, now that that's cleared up.
424
00:17:27,742 --> 00:17:31,043
I think you can see that
your actions were a little...
425
00:17:31,045 --> 00:17:32,612
Over the top, yeah.
426
00:17:32,614 --> 00:17:34,780
I was gonna say demented.
427
00:17:34,782 --> 00:17:37,350
? ?
428
00:17:37,352 --> 00:17:40,186
- Would you like coffee?
- No. This isn't a thing.
429
00:17:40,188 --> 00:17:41,254
Okay.
430
00:17:41,256 --> 00:17:43,256
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
431
00:17:43,258 --> 00:17:46,158
If anyone stops us, don't make a sound.
432
00:17:46,160 --> 00:17:48,761
- Okay.
- We'll miss you, Colin.
433
00:17:48,763 --> 00:17:50,229
But there's a better
life for you out there
434
00:17:50,231 --> 00:17:51,898
and you have to do it.
435
00:17:51,900 --> 00:17:53,933
For all of us.
436
00:17:53,935 --> 00:17:56,202
It's time.
437
00:17:56,204 --> 00:17:57,303
Watch out for the charcoals.
438
00:18:09,918 --> 00:18:11,484
Ms. Cannon.
439
00:18:11,486 --> 00:18:13,619
What are you doing in
the test-taking zone?
440
00:18:13,621 --> 00:18:15,187
Oh, I was just bringing Chelsea
441
00:18:15,189 --> 00:18:18,891
some more number two pencils.
442
00:18:18,893 --> 00:18:21,060
Very well. As you were.
443
00:18:21,062 --> 00:18:23,162
? ?
444
00:18:23,164 --> 00:18:25,798
[SIGHS]
445
00:18:25,800 --> 00:18:27,166
Oh, Ms. Cannon.
446
00:18:27,168 --> 00:18:29,268
? ?
447
00:18:29,270 --> 00:18:31,704
Just one more question.
448
00:18:31,706 --> 00:18:33,539
If you're just delivering pencils,
449
00:18:33,541 --> 00:18:37,443
then why did you bring
the entire art cart?
450
00:18:37,445 --> 00:18:40,146
What's under there?
451
00:18:40,148 --> 00:18:42,715
- Where's your note?
- Run, Colin!
452
00:18:42,717 --> 00:18:44,617
Tell the others they only need a note
453
00:18:44,619 --> 00:18:46,485
to get out of taking the test! Run!
454
00:18:46,487 --> 00:18:47,753
We don't have to take the test!
455
00:18:47,755 --> 00:18:49,822
You just need a note to be free!
456
00:18:49,824 --> 00:18:52,491
? ?
457
00:18:52,493 --> 00:18:55,628
[EXCITED INDISTINCT CHATTER]
458
00:18:58,488 --> 00:19:01,289
? Tear it down ?
459
00:19:01,291 --> 00:19:02,957
? Tear it down ?
460
00:19:02,959 --> 00:19:04,659
Well, I hope you're happy.
461
00:19:04,661 --> 00:19:06,661
We've most certainly lost our funding
462
00:19:06,663 --> 00:19:08,162
with this many opt-outs.
463
00:19:08,164 --> 00:19:10,331
School should be a place where
children are free to grow,
464
00:19:10,333 --> 00:19:12,467
not spend their days taking
some oppressive tests.
465
00:19:12,469 --> 00:19:15,503
- True dat.
- I'm surprised at you, Ms. Snap.
466
00:19:15,505 --> 00:19:17,872
Aren't you concerned
about your merit-based pay?
467
00:19:17,874 --> 00:19:20,408
Of course. I'm always
thinking about myself.
468
00:19:20,410 --> 00:19:22,376
That's why I bribed my
smartest students with candy
469
00:19:22,378 --> 00:19:23,578
not to opt out.
470
00:19:23,580 --> 00:19:25,246
I got all the teachers to do the same.
471
00:19:25,248 --> 00:19:27,381
Fillmore is gonna have the
best scores in the district.
472
00:19:27,383 --> 00:19:31,252
Your self-serving nature
never ceases to amaze me.
473
00:19:31,254 --> 00:19:33,921
[ROCK MUSIC]
474
00:19:33,923 --> 00:19:37,158
Ooh. These are gonna be so smooth.
475
00:19:37,160 --> 00:19:40,661
Mm. Thanks again, guys.
476
00:19:40,663 --> 00:19:43,197
Oh, yeah.
477
00:19:43,199 --> 00:19:44,199
And so will this.
478
00:19:45,100 --> 00:19:46,200
And this.
479
00:19:46,801 --> 00:19:49,501
Oh, and these bad
boys are gonna be gone.
480
00:19:50,202 --> 00:19:55,202
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481
00:19:55,252 --> 00:19:59,802
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