Original subtitles

[groaning]

[grunts] Come on!

[groans] Okay.

[groaning]

Okay. [groaning]

Get up my butt! Get up my butt!

[groaning]

What is going on?

These are my fat jeans!

[Broadway music]

I'm sorry, after you.

I couldn't possibly. You were here first.

No, please. I insist.

Move it!

My favorite time of day... lunch!

[upbeat Broadway music]

Lunchtime is the best time

Coming here is such a treat

Lunchtime is the best time

We only have one job and that's eat

I agree. I always wait in line

I'd never brown bag it

Food so good it should be rated by Zagat

The only time of the day I'm not pissed off

Is when I'm here eating my beef stroganoff

Food makes you smart so fill up your plate

All the great artists needed to hydrate

The ? la carte menu totally frees us

We can thank one person for it

That's Jesus

All: Lunchtime is the best time

Coming here is such a treat

Lunchtime is the best time

We only have one job and that's eat

Hamburgers and french fries and some sloppy joes, please

Chicken patties, corndogs, tacos, and grilled cheese

Pepperoni pizza, nuggets, and pop

Uncooked cookies with soft serve on top

Good thing I'm in sweatpants from Old Navy

Because mama needs more room for all the gravy

Gravy, gravy on all the food

Gravy, gravy I'm in the mood

Gravy on my chicken, gravy on my fries

Gravy on my burger, hell, I put gravy on my pies

All: Gravy, gravy, gravy, gravy

Lunchtime is the best time

Coming here is such a treat

Lunchtime is the best time

We only have one job and that's eat

Lunchtime is the worst time

When trying to fit into jeans

Lunchtime is the worst time

When you want to look pre-teen

This whole room is filled with the Devil's fried scent

Not being able to join is pure torment

Look at them line up like fat pigs at the slop

While I have to summon all my will to stop

Lunchtime is the worst time

For me

[gasps]

Oh! Oh, what the...

- Oh, God! - Chelsea?

Chelsea?

Ms. Bennigan, hi.

[whispering] Hot Dad.

Hidey-ho. What are you doing here?

Well, I'm the parent volunteer for lunch this week.

Gonna be serving hot dogs.

Yum. I'd love to eat your hot dog.

[laughs]

Listen, uh, I want to apologize

for trying to kiss you

when you came over to babysit Blake.

When did we kiss?

Well, we didn't. You fainted.

I'm sorry. You're Blake's teacher

and my behavior was inappropriate.

It won't happen again.

Yes, that's probably for the best.

We should keep this a professional relationship,

because...

[Broadway music]

I am a teacher, you are a parent

I don't even know your name

I'm glad we agree on what we should be

It's nice to feel the same

You are a teacher, I am a parent

A couple that shouldn't be

I won't interfere with your great career

It's too important, I see

You are a parent, I am a teacher

Without boundaries we'd be lost

And as for your kiss, sir, which I did miss, sir

These lines can never be crossed

You are a teacher and it's apparent

It's late and I must fly

I'm on lunch duty, some gravy needs spooning

So...

Do...

I

[bell dings]

- Morning, everyone. - Morning.

Ooh, Deb. Looks like that chicken fried steak

gave you a little pimple.

[gasps] This is bullshit.

Ugh. I took Accutane in high school

and it was supposed to get rid of my acne forever.

The side effects from the stuff makes you a depressed,

negative, suicidal mess.

Oh, so you're still taking it?

What? No.

Stop staring at me.

Oh! Everyone, shut up.

I have an announcement to make.

As of today, there will be a new meal plan

here at Fillmore.

Here are the menus.

Lunch on Tuesday's kale and a dollop of brown rice?

Dude, this is worse than P.O.W. food.

You can't tell us what to eat.

Actually, she can.

As a member of the LSC, Miss Snap can recommend

suspension for any teacher who doesn't comply.

Whoa. This sounds like the beginning

of a dystopian novel.

Get that snack cake out of my face!

They're not on the menu.

From now on, there will be no more sugar, sodium,

starch, carbs, fat, or dairy... for students or teachers.

The only food allowed on school grounds

is what's on the new meal plan.

[snaps fingers]

Thanks, guys.

Take that to the parking lot and set it on fire.

This is terrible.

I think a less processed menu is a great idea.

[funk music]

There's a solution to the revolution

An evolution of what we eat

Ms. Cannon, that's enough. Peas and rice.

No one cares about your farm-to-table BS.

I can't fit into my fat jeans!

Is what these children will wake up and say to themselves

in the morning if we don't get them on a healthy diet.

[bluesy rock music]

At four years old

Mama put me on my first scale

From that day on

I lived in a food jail

Every time I go to lunch

I fail my diet regime

And then I get a FUPA

And lose my self-esteem

There's a new lunch lady in town

No snacks, no salt, no carbs, no sweets

If you want to be a winner

You've got to be thinner

It's just too easy to cheat

Every magazine

Every reality show

Makes me feel like a dumpy-assed ho

So I push myself

Burn calories faster

I don't sit nowhere

Without my trusty ThighMaster

There's a new lunch lady in town

Gonna purge this school and stand my ground

Oh, baby.

I've never felt such vim and vigor

I'm getting smaller

But my dream's getting bigger

'Cause there's a new lunch lady

In town

Damn it, Rory!

I haven't been this depressed

since I watched "The Da Vinci Code."

Yeah, this new lunch menu sucks.

Oh, come on, guys, it's not that bad.

There are some great things about the new meal plan.

[funk music]

Don't you want small farms to thrive?

- Plant...

- Not now, Cecelia.

What are you so happy about?

I snuck in a little something-something.

How'd you get that in here?

My pants.

Ohh.

That's why you're wearing JNCO jeans.

You got any more?

Share-sies.

Oh, hey, Deb.

Don't look at me!

[bell rings]

Okay, two days on the new meal plan.

I've gained a pound?

How is that even possible?

What would Gwyneth Paltrow do?

[ominous music]

Today, lunch is liquid.

[gasps]

No!

It's like my senior yearbook disaster all over again.

[dramatic music]

[scoffs]

I thought the days

Of humiliation were behind me

But now I've got this mountain on my face

To remind me

Of high school shame and nasty games

And vicious insults

Is there anything worse than having

Acne as an adult?

Ah!

So now I must hide this hideous seeping welt

So that no one can once again

Make me feel the way I felt

I'll slip through Fillmore

Like a phantom, keeping mum

I just wish this zit would stop pounding

Like a drum

Mrs. Adler?

Can we keep the lights on?

We can't see our quizzes.

Oh, yeah.

Of course. Sorry.

What's on your face?

It's half of a Korean sheet mask.

[dramatic music]

Chelsea, I think I made a huge mistake.

Shh. Do you smell that?

[sniffs]

That's not lemon, pepper, or cayenne.

No. Hot Dad told me

that he tried to kiss me and I freaked out.

[sniffs]

[sniffs]

There is chocolate in the general vicinity.

I told him that I wanted to keep our relationship

purely professional, because I thought

that's what he wanted, but it might not be

what he wanted, because at one point

he wanted to kiss me, which is what I wanted.

[sniffs] Mary Louise,

I don't have time to teach you

how to act like a normal human being.

Just tell him how you really feel.

[scoffs]

[sniffing]

[sniffs deeply]

[dramatic music]

Whoa! [gasps]

I knew it!

Someone is hiding food at this school.

When I find out who did this, I will hunt them down

and decapitate them, if I can get a knife

through the fat layers of their fat necks!

[chuckles] Oh, sorry,

that was the cayenne talking.

I mean, I'll recommend to the LSC they get suspended.

[dramatic sting]

[loudly] Thanks for returning my student's backpack.

[quietly] This is full of Cool Ranch chips, right?

And there's more where that came from.

[dramatic music]

Feldman's gonna have her way today

Setting up a junk food buffet

Snap can't catch me but she'll taste the backlash

She'll never find my main candy stash

Today

With my waist trainer tightened today

My senses are heightened

I know there's junk food around

Whoever did this is going down

Today

My fate I will soon seal

Today I'll tell Hot Dad

Just how I feel

Gonna figure out the sitch

Gonna trick that skinny bitch

Maybe I'll get hitched

All: Today

[gasps] I found it!

Oh.

Ugh!

Who eats this?

[sighs]

Oh.

Ohh.

Mmm, mmm.

[garbled] Oh, my God, this so good!

Oh, yeah.

Stop eating, you disgusting pig!

How much do I weigh now, Mommy?

Oh.

[moaning]

Oh, this poutine is so good.

No. You can't do this!

[panting]

[grunts]

Ha! Burn, you sweets of Satan, burn!

[dramatic music]

Attention, there will be no lunch today.

I repeat, lunch is cancelled!

That is all.

What are you doing?

Studies have shown

that eating is an inappropriate use of time.

Snap's out of control. You have to do something!

Isn't it funny, after all the trouble you've caused me,

now you need my help. Hmm.

And in the middle of my spring cleaning.

Well, it doesn't come for free.

[cabaret music]

Ask any of the teachers at this school

They'll all tell you I can be pretty cool

But this is not a one-sided trade

Because one day, Papa might need your aid

You cause a lot of trouble

And I've never laid you off

But Papa needs your help too

Sometimes I want to get off

Excuse me?

Early... from work.

What? I work a lot of late nights.

If I do you a favor

And help you with your plan

I'll want a little reward

To make me feel like a man

Whoa. What are you suggesting?

Just, like, a nice bottle of Sutter Home white zin

or a gift certificate to World Market.

Something fun.

This job can be real stressful

And it's hard to pull through

But when you're good to Papa

Papa's good

To you

Okay, I'm pretty skeeved out, so I'm gonna leave.

Hm.

Mmm. It's not real, but at least it's sweet.

[sobbing]

[ominous music]

Deb?

Are you okay?

Did you get the veggie smoothie runs like Mr. Spinnoli?

I can't show my face.

Deb, is this about your zit?

Look at how crazy Chelsea's gotten

because she's worried about her looks.

Don't tell me looks don't matter.

My skin was so bad my senior year,

everybody called me Edward James Olmos.

[doo-wop music]

Appearances don't matter

Is what you say to ugly freaks

- Men: Ooh - Of course they matter

But there're so many things you can tweak

- So trust me, Debbie Do-Dah

- men: Ooh oh

- I have a big bag of tricks

- men: Ooh, ooh, wah

For every unsightly problem

- Men: Ooh, wah - There's a simple fix

For us women there are so many tools at the ready

- Men: Ooh, wah, ah, ah - Lasers, BOTOX

Or if it's really big, a machete

- Men: Ooh, wah, ah, oh - Extensions, exfoliants

Tweezers, dye, wax, peels, and Spanx

Men tell you what you need

You don't even have to say thanks

- Men: Ooh, wah - I know right now

That your skin is causing anxiety

Men: Ooh, wah, ah, ah

For that we must thank patriarchal society

So come out Debbie Do-Dah

You can still have all of your kicks

For every unsightly problem

There's a simple fix

Men: Woo

I'm sure it's much better already.

If not, I've got some zit cream.

Let's take a look.

It's okay.

That's it.

[ominous music]

Back! Back to the shadows!

Hot Platonic Friend.

Hello, there. [laughs]

I haven't seen you all week,

but apparently lunch is cancelled,

so I'm gonna head home.

Listen, there's...

Something I want to tell you but it's not easy to say

I'm not a forward person, I would rather run away

When I share my feelings, it makes me very antsy

I sweat, I giggle, I freak out

I want to poop my pantsy

I don't know why I said that

I have never pooped my pants

Oh, God, I can't stop talking

Do not think I've pooped my pants

All I want to say is...

ML? I need you.

I have to cover my body in lotion

and wrap it in plastic wrap for 24 hours.

I've read it can take up to an inch off my waist.

Not... now.

Oh, my God. You two make Jane Austen

look like a one-night stand.

Okay.

[both laugh sheepishly]

So what was it that you were gonna tell me?

Right. [sighs]

I was just about to get to the important part.

Well, there's...

Something I want to tell you but it's not easy to say

I'm not a forward person, I would rather run away

When I have to share feelings it makes me very antsy...

Mary Louise, if you see Deb, can you tell her

that she's still beautiful... on the inside?

- Thanks. - What?

Okay, Mary Louise, what were you gonna tell me?

Let me start from the beginning.

Or you could just skip ahead.

Okay. There's...

Something I want to tell you but it's not easy to say

I'm not a forward person, I would rather run away

Bennigan, we've got to do something.

I was down for healthier food choices,

but now Chelsea's starving everyone.

We have to start a rebellion.

The children are "Les Mis?rables."

We won't stand for this, not one day more.

I have to go.

Uh, Mary Louise, wait! What were you gonna tell me?

[grandiose music]

Do you hear our stomachs growl?

Both: They refuse to be quiet

All: They are full of angry sounds

Caused by Chelsea's stupid diet

We are sick of not being heard

We are sick of Chelsea's plans

We need to get our treats, we need to lift the ban

Eh.

[sobbing]

[sad music]

Am I a bad person

For wanting to look hot?

Am I a bad person

No. [scoffs] That's bullshit.

[tense music]

Stop it!

Why can't we all sacrifice our bodies

for societal standards?

- I will never surrender

- Snap, you're going down

And all will join me in this feat

- I will never repent

- all: Beyond this

Hell juice cleanse

There is more food we want to eat

- If I die, I'll die slender

- all: This hunger

- Can't be quenched - We'll destroy this awful wench

- For our...

- When my last breath is...

- All: Sweets

- Spent

What is going on in here?

Ms. Snap, we are getting parent complaints.

Children are starving,

and apparently, so are the teachers.

Starting now, lunch is back

and the old lunch plan is reinstated!

[all cheering] Burgers!

- Oh, fries! - Pizza!

Victory is ours.

No. You can't do this to me!

Chelsea, there's a four-year-old inside of you

who's been starving for the last 27 years.

[soft music]

[quavering breaths]

[groans]

Mmm.

[sobs]

[sniffs]

This tastes like love.

Yeah. It's a hamburger.

All: Gravy, Gravy, Gravy, Gravy

Gravy, Gravy, Gravy, Gravy

- Lunchtime is the best time

- Ah, ah, ah

All: Coming here is such a treat

Lunchtime is once again the best time

We only have one job

And that's eat

Oh! Son of a nut sack! My good cheek!

Hey.

I'm done volunteering for the week.

So headin' out.

I wanted to be kissed.

[soft music]

That's what I was trying to say.

What you did wasn't inappropriate at all.

I've always...

liked you.

Hey! There you are.

Sharon.

I've been waiting in the parking lot.

You said you'd drive me to the good casino in Joliet.

Who is this?

Oh. His wife.

And you must be Ms. Brannigan.

Blake has told me so much about you.

It's Bennigan.

Let's go.

What's going on with that uniform?

[purrs] You look like a Nazi.

[laughs]

Mary Louise, I figured out

how I can still fit into a size four.

[chuckles] Pajama Jeans.

[laughs]

Look at 'em go.

[laughs]

These things are great.

[sobs quietly]

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