Original subtitles

[rock music]

- Oh, Ms. Bennigan, hi. - [whispers] Hot Dad.

Hidey-ho, neighbor gator!

Are you, uh, volunteering today?

Uh, no. Actually, I just had a meeting

with Principal Pearson.

It turns out that, uh, Blake is really struggling

- in the third grade. - Oh, no.

Yeah, he's been having a hard time

ever since his mom left.

- Oh. She's still gone? - Yeah.

- Hm. - Principal Pearson suggested

that Blake repeat the second grade.

Oh, back to my grade. Fantastic...

- ...ly awful. - Well, actually,

I think it'll be good for him in the long run.

As a single dad, I really appreciate

- the school's support. - Well, I'm happy to have you

back in my life... uh, grade.

[laughs] I mean Blake back in my life... oh!

My grade, too. Both for my grade.

- I am so sorry. - Okay.

I'm running late for my

volunteer firefighter duty.

[chuckles]

[whispering] Hot Fire Dad.

Stupid-ass coffee maker.

How is this thing not fixed?

- Why don't you just try tea? - Because I'm not

a seven-year-old having a party with my dolls.

- [dog barking] - Ryan!

- Oh, my God! - Stop! [gasps]

Ryan, no!

- Okay. - Oh, my God.

No!

Everyone...[chuckles] Meet Ryan Gosling.

When did you get a dog?

I got him a couple weeks ago.

I love him. When I'm with him,

he creates the illusion I'm a size two.

Chelsea, you can't bring a dog to school.

I have to. He destroys my apartment when I'm gone,

and I can't afford doggie day care right now.

Brad Renfro signed my lower back last weekend

and I'm saving up to have his autograph tattooed.

Brad Renfro died eight years ago.

Oh, my God.

Then who signed my lower back?

I've got great news! Hot Dad just told me

Blake needs to repeat the second grade!

He's gonna be back in my class.

How do you know he's not gonna be put in Caroline's?

Phooey. I never even thought of that possibility.

How will I ever find out if Blake's back in my class?

Uh, you could just ask Blake.

Wow, Deb. You're just like Nancy Drew.

But without the close-knit group of friends.

Okay, I swear my vag doesn't smell.

Fine, it does. Now get this dog away from me!

[rock music]

Tear it down

Tear it down

So if we used 1,000 M&M'S to make Andre the Giant

and one quarter of them were green,

how many green M&M'S did we use?

How could we know that? You ate so many of them.

Dang, Trey, that was harsh.

But also, an excellent point. Very good.

Feldman, can I talk to you for a minute?

You got it. What's up?

I got a call from a parent saying that you're not

teaching the Common Core curriculum.

Oh, yeah, I don't teach that 'cause it sucks.

- It's federally mandated. - Listen, Toby...

It's Principal Pearson.

Okay, if you're into that sort of thing.

I tailor my lesson plans to teach my kids

in ways that are best for their learning styles.

You don't have a choice.

Start teaching Common Core immediately.

Today we are gonna be reading "The Boxcar Children."

I think you guys are gonna like it.

It's kind of like Mrs. Adler's trailer

- but less sad. - [dog growling]

- Uh, Ms. Snap? - [dog barks]

[gasps] Ryan Gosling!

- Okay, Ryan... - What the...

Come on, now.

- Is that a dog? - Ryan... yes.

It's a dog, obviously.

Dogs are not allowed in school.

Get him out of here right now.

- I can't. - Why not?

He's an emotional support dog.

If this is a therapy dog,

I need to see a written note from a licensed therapist.

Fine, no problem. [gasps]

Ooh! No!

Huh. He usually only does that to women.

Hey there, Blake-a-roni!

What's scooting? What's shaking? What's the...

Hey, kid, whose class are you

gonna be in when you get held back?

I'm being held back?

Never mind. As you were.

- [sighs] - Oh, relax.

We'll just hack into Pearson's computer.

I need to get in there anyway.

I sent him an email about the broken coffee maker

that may have included a .jpeg of my butthole.

Deb, again?

Same picture, different filter.

Let's go over this math problem one more time.

"Jos? wants to give bags of lollipops to his friends.

"He wants to give the same number

"of lollipops to each friend.

"He's not sure if he needs four or six bags of lollipops.

"How many lollipops could he buy

so there are no lollipops leftover?"

How many lollipops are in a bag?

How many friends does he have?

Why is it four or six bags?

Uhh...

- I don't know. - [bell rings]

Sorry we're still on the first problem, guys.

I'll keep working on this while you're at recess. Okay?

We'll figure it out, I swear!

- Need some help? - Thanks, dawg,

but this is supposed to be for third graders.

I gotta figure out this Common Core stuff on my own.

Okay.

Friends. Lollipops.

Jos?...

- Hey, June. - Oh, hi!

I need to keep my dog at school.

So can you do me a favor and write one of your

little notes or whatever it is you therapists do

and say that I need an emotional support animal?

Chelsea, I'm so glad to see you're taking

the steps to improve your mental health.

[laughs] Oh, no. This has nothing to do

with my mental health. I'm clearly fine.

I'm just trying to work the system.

Oh, so why did you decide to get a dog?

The same reason anyone gets one.

To have someone who's excited to see me

when I get home, share inside jokes with,

and hold me when I'm sad.

I really do think you need one.

So I'm gonna write you that note.

- Here you go, sweetheart. - I don't want that.

But I thought that's why you came in here.

I did, but I don't want it for a real reason.

Well, I really do think that this dog would be

a great psychological benefit to you.

You clearly don't know what you're talking about.

I have to get back to my class right now,

but I will gladly come back here later and explain to you

why I don't actually need a therapy dog.

So you wanna make an appointment for later today?

No, June. This isn't an official thing.

I'm just going to come back and tell you why you're wrong

and your profession is wack.

Come on, Ryan Gosling.

- Does 12:30 work? - Okay, that's great.

[suspenseful music]

What are you doing?

Wiping off fingerprints.

Mary Louise, you don't wipe off

other people's fingerprints.

You wipe off ours when we're done.

It's password protected.

[keys clacking, beep]

- Got it. - Ah! How'd you do that?

He's got a "Friends" screensaver.

His password's obviously "Ross and Rachel."

Finally I'll know the fate of the rest of my year

and what's in store for me with Hot Dad...

Blake's been assigned to Caroline's class.

- Wait, what? - Hang on.

I need to delete my email.

Why would he be in Caroline's class?

He's supposed to be in my class!

Oh, dude! There's an email from Hot Dad here.

- What does it say? - Oh, "Thanks again

"for having me in this morning.

"I've decided that I would like for Blake

to be placed in Ms. Watson's class."

He requested Ms. Watson?

Tear it down

Tear it down

I can't believe Hot Dad requested Ms. Watson.

Son of a bitch. You got a school full of junkies

and the only crack pipe is broken.

I mean, why would he do that, unless he...

thinks I'm a bad teacher.

That's not it. I mean, yes,

you hung up a bunch of crucifixes and claimed

they were the letter "T," but you're a great teacher.

Then why didn't Hot Dad request me?

The science fair isn't later into the year,

but the kids are already working on it.

[intense music]

[gasps]

Caroline's with Hot Dad.

The students are currently working on dioramas.

And over here is our reading nook.

Oh, well, he's not that into reading.

- Oh. - But he does love

- the "Goosebumps" books. - Oh, that's every boy.

[both laugh]

[laughs mockingly] What's so funny?

- [laughs] - [romantic music]

I feel like I failed him or something.

It's not your fault.

[romantic music]

Oh...

[moaning]

Oh, you... you got a little eyelash.

[romantic music]

That's third base!

Caroline's seducing Hot Dad!

So, as you can see, I don't have

a problem connecting with men.

I connect with a lot of men. A lot.

And how long has this pattern been going on with men?

[laughs] Oh, it's not a pattern.

- I haven't always been this way. - What do you mean?

Well, in junior high, nobody would touch me.

I had long, frizzy hair and a full-blown mustache.

Everyone called me Weird Al.

One time, I asked out Mac Brady,

who was the most popular guy in school.

And him and the entire soccer team just laughed...

[voice breaks] And then started to sing this song.

You're fat, you're fat, you know it

- Okay. - [crying]

The wound is still pretty fresh.

- Oh! I am leaving! - Okay...

- You are an idiot, June! - It's understandable

- that you need to lash out. - I'm not lashing out, June!

- I just think you're an idiot! - Okay.

Come on, Ryan Gosling!

[growling]

I will be back later to convince you

that there is nothing wrong with me.

And that is not an appointment, June!

All right, I'll pencil you in for 3:30.

I can make that. That's fine.

Hot Dad and Caroline are having a torrid affair!

She's a harlot with a headband.

What are you doing?

I talked to Principal Pearson, and he said that as long as

the coffee maker can be repaired,

he won't get us a new one.

So now he's gotta get a new one.

You don't have to worry about Caroline.

Hot Dad doesn't even own a boat.

I know she's after him.

She's going down.

[suspenseful music]

Friends, lollipops... [rambling incoherently]

[muttering]

Not enough!

You can't figure it out if you don't know

how many lollipops are in a bag!

Ms. Feldman?

Should we go to gym now?

Everyone, let's line up for gym.

- [mumbling] - Feldman?

- Ready for some help? - Yeah.

Mr. Beetle Boo, how do you do...

[suspenseful music]

[whispers] Somebody was in here.

[gasps]

Oh, my God.

The pencils are the pens.

[gasping]

No!

This is supposed to be in the "B" section

and then subfiled with all the other chartreuse books.

What is going on here?

Okay.

Just calm down and put on your afternoon cardigan.

[screams]

Well, I never really knew my father.

He left when I was a baby because I was a shrill crier.

- Interesting. - Fine.

If you are so smart, June, why don't you just go ahead

and tell me what is wrong with me?

Okay, I think the reason you got a dog

- is because your dad left you. - You think I got the dog

in place of my dad? [laughs]

How dumb are you?

I don't even need a dad.

And that dog is not my dad. He's my dog.

[grunts]

Come on, Dad!

And the only reason that I just called him my dad

is because we were talking about dads,

not because I think my dog is my dad.

Chelsea, if you'd let me finish, I just think

there's a real connection between your father

- and your history with men. - I reject that.

I reject you. I reject this entire conversation.

I reject that dog. I don't need him, and I don't need therapy!

I can still fit into my niece's clothes, and she's 11!

Chelsea, please.

Ryan.

[spooky music]

Oh, hello, Caroline.

Having a bad day? I heard about your sweater.

I know. Isn't it terrible?

I scream-cried in my room for an hour,

but there's a silver lining.

I went to the button store on my free period

and I found these really cute buttons!

Look! They're tiny pineapples.

I would've gone with an American fruit.

- [laughs] - What are you laughing about?

Oh, nothing. I'm just making plans for tonight.

With who?

- What? - Huh?

Uh, nobody.

I don't have plans with anyone tonight.

I don't know why I said that I did.

I gotta go.

[intense music]

I hate pineapples.

Tear it down

Tear it down

[suspenseful music]

[engine starts, tires screech]

- Then carry the one... - Yes!

- Add this to that. - Exactly.

- Oh-ho-ho! - Six!

I can't believe it! We solved it!

- The answer was six! - Yes! Yeah!

- You did it! - Oh!

Oh, no. We did it.

Peas and rice! What happened here?

I just solved my first Common Core problem!

Wow. Good for you. I guess.

I couldn't have done it without Ms. Cannon's help.

How could Ms. Cannon help you?

She's been at an art conference

in Sheboygan, Wisconsin, all day.

She left after first period.

She was... just right here.

In my beautiful mind.

Chelsea, where's your horse dog?

- I got rid of him. - Why?

I thought you loved that thing.

- No. - Yeah, you told me

when you watch "Intervention" and laugh,

he never judges you.

What a stupid thing to say. I never said that.

Yeah, you did. And you said

he made you feel safe and loved and...

Okay, fine!

I do love Ryan Gosling.

And the only reason I don't let men get close to me

is because my dad left.

And then I was rejected in junior high.

And now I reject men so they can't hurt me.

And that's why I got the dog, because it represents

what I really want in life, which is a stable relationship.

And then I got rid of the dog to prove that

all of that wasn't true! [cries]

Oh, my God.

I don't even need therapy.

[chuckles] I just fixed myself.

[hopeful music]

I have to go get Ryan Gosling! [laughs]

Oh, and I will take that note, June.

Oh, okay.

"Enchanted Princesses on Ice"?

How elegant!

[thrilling music]

Get out of my way!

Caroline.

Thought you could get away with it,

didn't you, you crafternoon minx?

Mary Louise, what are you doing here?

- Did you follow me? - Obviously.

You stole Blake from me so you could get closer

- to Hot Dad, you harpy. - What?

You don't know what you're talking about.

- Just get out of here. - Blake's supposed

to be in my class.

This is the rest of my life you're messing with!

Ms. Bennigan, I suggest you lower your voice.

They're starting the overture.

Wait, you're here with him?

- Yes. - I'm so sorry.

I didn't realize you two were... you know...

We're just friends!

[quietly] So...

- I'm sorry. - No, that's... I get it.

- Didn't mean so emphatic... - No, no, no, no.

- You know, we just... - I get it.

[doorbell rings]

[heartfelt piano music]

- Ms. Bennigan. - I wanted to apologize.

I've failed you and Blake.

I understand now why you requested Ms. Watson.

Maybe I got distracted by...

I'm a bad teacher.

- And I'm sorry. - Wait.

That's not it at all.

You're a great teacher. Blake is just terrible at math.

- Oh. - Actually, I requested

Ms. Watson because I felt like you and I were...

that our friendship was progressing.

- Really? - I didn't think

it'd be appropriate if Blake was in your class.

[sighs]

In that case, I'm glad he's not in my class.

Me too.

- Was it raining earlier? - No.

[rock music]

Tear it down

Tear it down

You wanted to see me?

Ooh! Bought a new coffee maker?

It's a Keurig. Apparently the last coffee maker

was smashed into little pieces and urinated on.

- Have a seat. - So how was

- the show last night? - Magical.

When Pocahontas did a triple axel after

she met John Smith, I almost...

That's not what I'm here to talk to you about.

I'm putting Blake back in your class.

Oh, no. That's not necessary.

Ms. Bennigan, I overheard you last night.

And it's very clear how passionate you are

- about teaching him. - No, please!

I think it's the best thing for Blake,

considering the situation with his mother.

- And I'm sure you agree. - I do.

- I do. - [dog barking]

Ryan Gosling!

- Oh, God! - No.

I want this dog out of this school right now!

Lucky for you, I am sick of him,

so I will be taking him to doggy day care.

And besides, legally,

you can't ask me to do that.

- He's a service dog. - [dog growls, barks]

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