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1
00:00:01,033 --> 00:00:02,131
[bright music]
2
00:00:02,133 --> 00:00:03,332
Good morning, little bird
3
00:00:03,334 --> 00:00:04,534
What have you heard?
4
00:00:04,536 --> 00:00:07,070
- [bird tweeting]
- You're right!
5
00:00:07,072 --> 00:00:09,271
Now comes that magical
time again
6
00:00:09,273 --> 00:00:11,508
To choose that
special cardigan
7
00:00:11,510 --> 00:00:16,712
We'll now have blue skies
and no more gray
8
00:00:16,714 --> 00:00:20,483
Because we're going
back to school today
9
00:00:20,485 --> 00:00:24,121
10
00:00:24,123 --> 00:00:26,756
Now, if only I could
find a shirt
11
00:00:26,758 --> 00:00:29,393
Spent my summer
naked in a yurt
12
00:00:29,395 --> 00:00:33,729
I wish I could,
but I cannot stay
13
00:00:33,731 --> 00:00:39,403
Because we're going
back to school today
14
00:00:39,405 --> 00:00:41,738
That foam party ruled,
but who are you?
15
00:00:41,740 --> 00:00:44,375
I'm late to work...
wait, where's my shoe?
16
00:00:44,377 --> 00:00:48,945
I'll wash up at the truck stop
on the way
17
00:00:48,947 --> 00:00:53,984
Because we're going back
to school today
18
00:00:53,986 --> 00:00:56,753
After I'm done working
on my quads
19
00:00:56,755 --> 00:00:59,323
I'll head to church
to give thanks to God
20
00:00:59,325 --> 00:01:04,094
The law says get my prayers
out of the way
21
00:01:04,096 --> 00:01:09,032
All:
Because we're going
back to school today
22
00:01:09,034 --> 00:01:16,175
23
00:01:17,076 --> 00:01:18,942
[alarm beeping]
24
00:01:18,944 --> 00:01:20,711
[grunts]
25
00:01:21,340 --> 00:01:22,779
That was a weird dream.
26
00:01:22,781 --> 00:01:24,122
[chuckles]
27
00:01:24,525 --> 00:01:26,161
_
28
00:01:26,185 --> 00:01:27,684
[gasps]
29
00:01:27,686 --> 00:01:31,323
Fuuuuuuu...
30
00:01:32,918 --> 00:01:36,392
Synced & corrected by -robtor-
www.addic7ed.com
31
00:01:36,394 --> 00:01:37,693
Tear it down
32
00:01:37,695 --> 00:01:39,762
Happy first day
of school, everyone.
33
00:01:39,764 --> 00:01:41,699
Hi, Chelsea.
It's been so long.
34
00:01:41,701 --> 00:01:43,633
I saw you yesterday,
Mary Louise.
35
00:01:43,635 --> 00:01:45,401
- I know.
- What's in the box?
36
00:01:45,403 --> 00:01:47,103
Please say it's
Gwyneth Paltrow's head.
37
00:01:47,105 --> 00:01:48,305
Even better.
38
00:01:48,307 --> 00:01:49,973
On my drive back
from Rapture Camp,
39
00:01:49,975 --> 00:01:51,308
I stopped by this garage sale
40
00:01:51,310 --> 00:01:53,509
and bought all of these
super cool toys
41
00:01:53,511 --> 00:01:55,612
my parents never let me
play with growing up.
42
00:01:55,614 --> 00:01:56,880
A Talkboy?
43
00:01:56,882 --> 00:01:58,848
Was this garage sale in 1994?
44
00:01:58,850 --> 00:02:00,284
No, it was in Nebraska.
45
00:02:00,286 --> 00:02:03,253
The Great Plains states
have so much to offer.
46
00:02:03,255 --> 00:02:05,580
I'm sorry.
Ugh, I've tried.
47
00:02:05,582 --> 00:02:06,990
But this is so boring.
48
00:02:06,992 --> 00:02:09,192
Caroline has been online dating.
49
00:02:09,194 --> 00:02:11,260
I want the hot deets.
50
00:02:11,262 --> 00:02:13,196
I actually didn't
go on any dates.
51
00:02:13,198 --> 00:02:16,099
I was just propositioned
by raging perverts.
52
00:02:16,101 --> 00:02:18,335
- I live for that.
- You wouldn't be so excited
53
00:02:18,337 --> 00:02:22,071
if you got seven penis pics
from "BabyBatter214."
54
00:02:22,073 --> 00:02:24,074
- Jesus.
- So as of today,
55
00:02:24,076 --> 00:02:28,143
I have decided to join
an ultra-premium dating website.
56
00:02:28,145 --> 00:02:30,647
It has a 97.3% success rate.
57
00:02:30,649 --> 00:02:33,783
It's called
MyEternalSoulmate.com.
58
00:02:33,785 --> 00:02:35,518
That sounds like
a James Patterson novel
59
00:02:35,520 --> 00:02:38,291
where a woman ends up
dismembered in a suitcase.
60
00:02:39,224 --> 00:02:40,658
Oh, sick.
61
00:02:40,660 --> 00:02:43,966
Some idiot left a calzone
in here over the summer.
62
00:02:43,968 --> 00:02:45,594
Where is Feldman?
63
00:02:45,596 --> 00:02:47,097
Balls!
64
00:02:47,099 --> 00:02:48,464
Hello, ladies.
65
00:02:48,466 --> 00:02:49,832
- [gasps]
- Welcome back.
66
00:02:49,834 --> 00:02:52,836
[upbeat boy band music]
67
00:02:52,838 --> 00:02:59,779
68
00:03:10,488 --> 00:03:12,488
- You got highlights.
- And a tan.
69
00:03:12,490 --> 00:03:14,523
And your belt
matches your teeth.
70
00:03:14,525 --> 00:03:17,628
You look like George
Hamilton's illegitimate son.
71
00:03:17,630 --> 00:03:21,531
Thank you.
I decided to focus more on...
72
00:03:21,533 --> 00:03:23,666
self-improvement.
73
00:03:23,668 --> 00:03:26,635
Ms. Snap, you've been assigned
a new class.
74
00:03:26,637 --> 00:03:28,545
- Here is the roster.
- Hm.
75
00:03:28,547 --> 00:03:30,474
[gasps]
Mark Lynch?
76
00:03:30,476 --> 00:03:33,309
Gabe Menendez,
Ricky Menendez?
77
00:03:33,311 --> 00:03:35,777
[gasps]
The Menendez brothers?
78
00:03:35,779 --> 00:03:38,314
- You gave me Hell Class?
- [all gasp]
79
00:03:38,316 --> 00:03:39,883
We can't call them
that anymore.
80
00:03:39,885 --> 00:03:41,784
Their teacher two years ago
had a mental breakdown.
81
00:03:41,786 --> 00:03:43,553
When they were
in kindergarten,
82
00:03:43,555 --> 00:03:46,289
their teacher went missing
halfway through the school year.
83
00:03:46,291 --> 00:03:47,790
This isn't fair.
84
00:03:47,792 --> 00:03:49,760
Can't you split them up so
someone else can suffer too?
85
00:03:49,762 --> 00:03:51,461
It's safer to keep them
quarantined,
86
00:03:51,463 --> 00:03:52,729
like a contagion.
87
00:03:52,731 --> 00:03:55,397
Good luck.
I had Hell Class last year.
88
00:03:55,399 --> 00:03:57,801
She's 24.
89
00:03:57,803 --> 00:03:59,969
Mrs. Adler, this year
you will be teaching
90
00:03:59,971 --> 00:04:03,741
from Fillmore's first-ever
modular satellite classroom.
91
00:04:03,743 --> 00:04:05,451
A trailer?
92
00:04:05,453 --> 00:04:08,653
Are you seriously making me
a trailer teacher?
93
00:04:08,734 --> 00:04:10,366
And now, Ms. Cannon,
94
00:04:10,368 --> 00:04:12,669
would you like to tell
the others your news?
95
00:04:12,671 --> 00:04:14,604
I am honored
to be spearheading
96
00:04:14,606 --> 00:04:17,874
revitalization of creative
spirit and self-expression
97
00:04:17,876 --> 00:04:19,211
at Fillmore.
98
00:04:21,680 --> 00:04:23,112
She's the new art teacher.
99
00:04:23,114 --> 00:04:25,916
Oh, that's why you look
like a homeless person.
100
00:04:25,918 --> 00:04:27,683
[cart banging]
101
00:04:27,685 --> 00:04:30,186
Art is a mobile class
this year.
102
00:04:30,188 --> 00:04:32,789
- This is your classroom.
- Are you...
103
00:04:32,791 --> 00:04:34,458
[bleep]...
104
00:04:34,460 --> 00:04:35,659
- Kidding me?
- No.
105
00:04:35,661 --> 00:04:37,660
I'm serious.
I'm scared for you.
106
00:04:37,662 --> 00:04:39,030
Last year,
the Menendez brothers
107
00:04:39,032 --> 00:04:40,664
ate all of the school's
glue sticks,
108
00:04:40,666 --> 00:04:42,232
and it only made them stronger.
109
00:04:42,234 --> 00:04:43,767
It's a bunch
of eight-year-olds.
110
00:04:43,769 --> 00:04:45,335
- I think I can handle it.
- [game beeping]
111
00:04:45,337 --> 00:04:47,171
I'm practically talking
to one right now.
112
00:04:47,173 --> 00:04:50,907
Drats! Recognizing patterns
is really hard.
113
00:04:50,909 --> 00:04:54,445
You should never underestimate
Hell Class.
114
00:04:54,447 --> 00:04:56,080
Mary Louise, get a grip.
115
00:04:56,082 --> 00:04:59,015
I am Chelsea Snap, remember?
116
00:04:59,017 --> 00:05:00,450
I've got this.
117
00:05:00,452 --> 00:05:03,020
- Yeah!
- Ooh!
118
00:05:03,022 --> 00:05:06,222
[hip-hop music on boom box]
119
00:05:06,224 --> 00:05:08,025
120
00:05:08,027 --> 00:05:09,893
- Yeah!
- Listen up, my little divas
121
00:05:09,895 --> 00:05:11,761
and divos.
122
00:05:11,763 --> 00:05:13,397
[indistinct chatter]
123
00:05:13,399 --> 00:05:14,629
Hello?
124
00:05:15,835 --> 00:05:17,600
What's up, Ma?
125
00:05:17,602 --> 00:05:20,503
- You look tasty.
- Excuse me?
126
00:05:20,505 --> 00:05:21,938
You're a tall glass of water,
and I'm thinking
127
00:05:21,940 --> 00:05:23,340
I might like to take a sip.
128
00:05:23,342 --> 00:05:25,174
- You're eight.
- Eight and a half.
129
00:05:25,176 --> 00:05:27,178
But it's cool.
You're old,
130
00:05:27,180 --> 00:05:29,195
but I know you're
hella experienced.
131
00:05:30,250 --> 00:05:33,185
[phone ringing]
132
00:05:39,491 --> 00:05:42,225
- Hello?
- Hey, buddy.
133
00:05:42,227 --> 00:05:44,227
It's your new teacher,
Ms. Feldman.
134
00:05:44,229 --> 00:05:46,996
Today, we're gonna start
with computers.
135
00:05:46,998 --> 00:05:48,866
Do you know how to use
face chat?
136
00:05:48,868 --> 00:05:50,066
Yeah.
137
00:05:50,068 --> 00:05:52,837
Can you walk Ms. F through it?
138
00:05:52,839 --> 00:05:54,638
Hey, I'm here to teach art.
139
00:05:54,640 --> 00:05:56,506
The school only gave me
one paintbrush, but I think
140
00:05:56,508 --> 00:05:57,874
it'll be a good lesson
in sharing.
141
00:05:57,876 --> 00:05:59,208
What are you working on?
142
00:05:59,210 --> 00:06:01,479
Oh, in order to find
my perfect match,
143
00:06:01,481 --> 00:06:03,580
My Eternal Soulmate
has required me
144
00:06:03,582 --> 00:06:05,748
to answer 600 questions
about myself.
145
00:06:05,750 --> 00:06:07,251
Cool.
What kind of questions?
146
00:06:07,253 --> 00:06:10,320
Uh, things like, "What's your
ideal Saturday?"
147
00:06:10,322 --> 00:06:12,522
I wrote, "Color-coding my socks
148
00:06:12,524 --> 00:06:14,958
and laminating
appetizer recipes."
149
00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:18,395
Oh, and, "Going to Enchanted
Princesses on Ice."
150
00:06:18,397 --> 00:06:19,696
Obviously.
151
00:06:19,698 --> 00:06:21,664
Do you really think
you're gonna find a man
152
00:06:21,666 --> 00:06:22,765
who shares those interests?
153
00:06:22,767 --> 00:06:24,301
Cecelia, you of all people
154
00:06:24,303 --> 00:06:27,224
should know that laminating
is not gender-specific.
155
00:06:27,772 --> 00:06:29,940
I'm gonna stay here
and finish up while you teach.
156
00:06:29,942 --> 00:06:31,035
Are you sure we
won't bother you?
157
00:06:31,060 --> 00:06:32,400
Oh, yeah,
don't worry about it.
158
00:06:32,402 --> 00:06:34,832
It's art.
It's not a real class.
159
00:06:35,513 --> 00:06:38,015
We're gonna be reviewing
rules today.
160
00:06:38,017 --> 00:06:39,416
- You suck.
- Okay.
161
00:06:39,418 --> 00:06:40,818
First of all, that's not true.
162
00:06:40,820 --> 00:06:41,943
And second of all...
163
00:06:42,555 --> 00:06:43,920
I don't suck.
164
00:06:44,390 --> 00:06:46,177
Let's see who's here,
shall we?
165
00:06:49,560 --> 00:06:50,760
Hannibal.
166
00:06:50,762 --> 00:06:52,261
[slurping]
167
00:06:52,263 --> 00:06:54,597
Oh, hey!
Rule number one:
168
00:06:54,599 --> 00:06:56,767
we do not damage Ms. Step's
money-maker!
169
00:06:56,769 --> 00:07:00,169
I saw you try and mack
on my man, you baggy-ass ho.
170
00:07:00,171 --> 00:07:02,506
That's crazy.
He's eight years old.
171
00:07:02,508 --> 00:07:04,941
- Look, Ms. Snatch.
- [gasps]
172
00:07:04,943 --> 00:07:06,176
Here's the rules:
173
00:07:06,178 --> 00:07:07,878
Hell Class doesn't
have any rules.
174
00:07:07,880 --> 00:07:09,349
[music stops]
175
00:07:10,253 --> 00:07:13,072
Hell class? I don't know
what you are talking about.
176
00:07:13,152 --> 00:07:16,553
Oh, yeah.
We know what you call us.
177
00:07:16,555 --> 00:07:19,422
[ominous music]
178
00:07:19,424 --> 00:07:20,550
You know what?
179
00:07:21,527 --> 00:07:23,727
Let's just do math another day.
180
00:07:23,729 --> 00:07:25,029
Okay?
181
00:07:25,031 --> 00:07:28,332
182
00:07:28,334 --> 00:07:30,133
Did you guys cut the line?
183
00:07:30,135 --> 00:07:31,534
[rock music]
184
00:07:31,536 --> 00:07:32,736
[stifled crying]
185
00:07:32,738 --> 00:07:35,371
186
00:07:35,373 --> 00:07:38,008
Hotter than butt cleavage
at Great America.
187
00:07:38,010 --> 00:07:39,409
When are you bringing me
a new air conditioner?
188
00:07:39,411 --> 00:07:40,710
No clue, lady.
189
00:07:40,712 --> 00:07:43,145
You got to put in a requisition
with the district.
190
00:07:43,147 --> 00:07:45,948
[both laugh hysterically]
191
00:07:45,950 --> 00:07:47,551
Okay.
192
00:07:47,553 --> 00:07:49,082
Take out your textbooks.
193
00:07:49,555 --> 00:07:51,155
[sniffling]
194
00:07:51,157 --> 00:07:54,090
Bobby Ray?
Why are you crying?
195
00:07:54,092 --> 00:07:56,460
It's too hot.
196
00:07:56,462 --> 00:07:58,494
- Oh, whoops.
- [A/C crashing]
197
00:07:58,496 --> 00:07:59,631
Good luck.
198
00:08:01,334 --> 00:08:04,768
Hey!
You can't leave that here!
199
00:08:04,770 --> 00:08:07,203
- And who put this tire here?
- [tires screeching]
200
00:08:07,205 --> 00:08:10,941
Hope everyone learning about
the wonders of pointillism.
201
00:08:10,943 --> 00:08:13,542
Sorry not everyone
got to paint a point.
202
00:08:13,544 --> 00:08:17,280
This was so boring,
it made me excited for math.
203
00:08:17,282 --> 00:08:19,416
I don't know how I'm supposed
to make this interesting
204
00:08:19,418 --> 00:08:21,152
when I literally
have no supplies.
205
00:08:21,154 --> 00:08:22,486
- Are you okay?
- No!
206
00:08:22,488 --> 00:08:24,253
I wet wipe when I'm stressed.
207
00:08:24,556 --> 00:08:26,690
I've been on My Eternal Soulmate
for an hour,
208
00:08:26,692 --> 00:08:28,258
and I haven't matched
with anyone.
209
00:08:28,260 --> 00:08:29,526
["Wedding March" plays]
210
00:08:29,528 --> 00:08:31,428
Oh, my God.
I have a match!
211
00:08:31,430 --> 00:08:32,930
How is that even possible?
212
00:08:32,932 --> 00:08:34,731
It's a 99% match!
213
00:08:34,733 --> 00:08:37,035
He's also reading
"Anne of Green Gables"!
214
00:08:38,703 --> 00:08:40,269
I have a match!
215
00:08:40,271 --> 00:08:42,772
[gasping] I knew there was
someone out there for me!
216
00:08:42,774 --> 00:08:44,874
I'm supposed to be a wife,
not have a job!
217
00:08:44,876 --> 00:08:47,009
Oh, my God, I'm gonna
be somebody's wife.
218
00:08:47,011 --> 00:08:48,479
I did it!
219
00:08:48,481 --> 00:08:51,681
I'm gonna get out of this
godforsaken place!
220
00:08:51,683 --> 00:08:54,984
[laughing]
221
00:08:54,986 --> 00:08:56,286
Ugh, whatever.
222
00:08:56,288 --> 00:08:58,390
If you were pushing 30,
you'd get it.
223
00:09:00,992 --> 00:09:02,325
Tear it down
224
00:09:02,327 --> 00:09:04,027
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
225
00:09:04,029 --> 00:09:05,595
Lock! Lock!
226
00:09:05,597 --> 00:09:08,165
[indistinct grumbling]
Why doesn't this door lock?!
227
00:09:08,167 --> 00:09:11,167
Chelsea, what's wrong?
Why are you barefoot?
228
00:09:11,169 --> 00:09:14,271
Hell Class stole my
Jessica Simpson shoes.
229
00:09:14,273 --> 00:09:15,906
They did you a favor.
230
00:09:15,908 --> 00:09:17,603
[exhales]
231
00:09:18,144 --> 00:09:19,476
That just slowed them
down a little.
232
00:09:19,478 --> 00:09:20,911
Don't take it personally,
Chelsea.
233
00:09:20,913 --> 00:09:22,879
Your students are just
expressing themselves.
234
00:09:22,881 --> 00:09:25,883
Well, their self-expression
just ruined my most professional
235
00:09:25,885 --> 00:09:28,545
Wet Seal top and left me stapled
to a bulletin board.
236
00:09:28,547 --> 00:09:30,153
Oh, my God.
237
00:09:30,155 --> 00:09:31,522
Every time I read his profile,
238
00:09:31,524 --> 00:09:33,693
I find a new layer of depth.
239
00:09:34,802 --> 00:09:36,002
Oh, sorry.
240
00:09:36,004 --> 00:09:37,671
Did you want to complain more?
241
00:09:37,673 --> 00:09:39,138
No, go ahead.
242
00:09:39,140 --> 00:09:40,875
You're probably talking with
a 600-pound man
243
00:09:40,877 --> 00:09:42,776
whose belly button is the size
of a salad bowl.
244
00:09:42,778 --> 00:09:45,179
No, this guy is perfect.
245
00:09:45,181 --> 00:09:48,015
He loves hybrid dogs,
has attended two
246
00:09:48,017 --> 00:09:49,883
"Barefoot Contessa" tapings,
247
00:09:49,885 --> 00:09:52,386
and he makes his own macaroons.
248
00:09:52,388 --> 00:09:54,353
["Wedding March" plays]
[gasps]
249
00:09:54,852 --> 00:09:58,291
- He sent me his fantasy date!
- What'd he say?
250
00:09:58,293 --> 00:10:01,161
"M'lady, I would wear
a white straw hat
251
00:10:01,163 --> 00:10:02,496
"and take you to the river,
252
00:10:02,498 --> 00:10:04,330
"where I would row you about
in a canoe
253
00:10:04,332 --> 00:10:06,700
"while you recite
'The Lady of Shalott.'
254
00:10:06,702 --> 00:10:09,103
I'll be your Gilbert Blythe."
255
00:10:09,105 --> 00:10:10,704
This guy's gonna
saw your head off.
256
00:10:10,706 --> 00:10:13,440
He's referencing
"Anne of Green Gables," Deb.
257
00:10:13,442 --> 00:10:15,208
Gilbert Blythe is only
one of the greatest
258
00:10:15,210 --> 00:10:17,611
- literary gentlemen of all time.
- What does he look like?
259
00:10:17,613 --> 00:10:20,146
My Eternal Soulmate suggests
that we don't trade pictures
260
00:10:20,148 --> 00:10:22,482
until we've exchanged at least
a dozen messages.
261
00:10:22,484 --> 00:10:25,285
That way, our souls
entwine first.
262
00:10:25,287 --> 00:10:27,287
Has anyone seen Feldman yet?
263
00:10:27,289 --> 00:10:29,189
He did not have a warrant,
264
00:10:29,191 --> 00:10:31,791
which means that Ms. Feldman
was not legally obligated
265
00:10:31,793 --> 00:10:33,059
to open up her trunk.
266
00:10:33,061 --> 00:10:34,694
- [intercom beeps]
- Ms. Feldman,
267
00:10:34,696 --> 00:10:37,097
we haven't received your
attendance sheets for the day.
268
00:10:37,099 --> 00:10:39,400
I need you to bring them
by my office now.
269
00:10:39,402 --> 00:10:41,868
I can't.
I have diarrhea.
270
00:10:41,870 --> 00:10:43,069
It's really bad.
271
00:10:43,071 --> 00:10:44,972
Okay, okay, that's enough.
272
00:10:44,974 --> 00:10:47,207
Just bring them by
when you can.
273
00:10:47,209 --> 00:10:51,314
Life lesson, kids:
nobody ever questions diarrhea.
274
00:10:53,014 --> 00:10:54,614
What are you doing?
275
00:10:54,616 --> 00:10:57,818
Collecting cans so I can
cash them in for art supplies.
276
00:10:57,820 --> 00:10:59,319
How's the new gig going?
277
00:10:59,321 --> 00:11:02,289
Not so great.
No one respects art education.
278
00:11:02,291 --> 00:11:04,891
Can you believe Chelsea
said I look homeless?
279
00:11:04,893 --> 00:11:08,031
[grunting, shouting]
280
00:11:09,297 --> 00:11:12,599
Ugh, my clitoris
just receded.
281
00:11:12,601 --> 00:11:14,200
Ugh!
282
00:11:14,202 --> 00:11:15,535
Hey!
283
00:11:15,537 --> 00:11:17,072
Get a job.
284
00:11:21,078 --> 00:11:22,445
[whimpering]
285
00:11:23,778 --> 00:11:25,579
- [gasps]
- Chelsea?
286
00:11:25,581 --> 00:11:27,213
What happened to you?
287
00:11:27,215 --> 00:11:29,583
I can't go back
to Hell Class.
288
00:11:29,585 --> 00:11:31,352
I'm scared.
289
00:11:31,354 --> 00:11:34,421
If there's one thing I've
learned from all my neato games,
290
00:11:34,423 --> 00:11:36,357
it's that you can't give up.
291
00:11:36,359 --> 00:11:39,093
When my Talkboy stopped working,
did I throw it away?
292
00:11:39,095 --> 00:11:41,829
No, I changed the batteries.
293
00:11:41,831 --> 00:11:44,965
When my Tamagotchi died
because I forgot to feed it,
294
00:11:44,967 --> 00:11:46,532
did I think that I
was a bad parent?
295
00:11:46,534 --> 00:11:50,404
No! I reset it and got
a new digital pet.
296
00:11:50,406 --> 00:11:52,772
And you don't give up, either.
297
00:11:53,356 --> 00:11:55,978
You're Chelsea Snap.
Remember?
298
00:11:56,912 --> 00:11:58,344
You can connect with these kids.
299
00:11:58,346 --> 00:12:01,614
Find something you have
in common with them.
300
00:12:01,616 --> 00:12:02,908
You're right.
301
00:12:04,986 --> 00:12:06,987
I shop at Justice.
302
00:12:06,989 --> 00:12:08,856
I can connect with these kids.
303
00:12:08,858 --> 00:12:10,893
[laughs]
Thanks, ML.
304
00:12:13,028 --> 00:12:15,963
Okay, let's...
Ooh, little tight.
305
00:12:15,965 --> 00:12:17,397
Watch your hands.
306
00:12:17,399 --> 00:12:19,800
- [indistinct chatter]
- [hip-hop on boom box]
307
00:12:19,802 --> 00:12:22,269
Hey, everybody.
I'm back.
308
00:12:22,271 --> 00:12:24,972
You all think you're
pretty cool, but so is Ms. Snap.
309
00:12:24,974 --> 00:12:27,274
I am not just a
third grade teacher,
310
00:12:27,276 --> 00:12:29,510
I am also a grade-A twerker.
311
00:12:29,512 --> 00:12:31,545
Turn it up.
312
00:12:31,547 --> 00:12:33,012
Yeah.
313
00:12:33,014 --> 00:12:34,781
She pretty cool.
314
00:12:34,783 --> 00:12:36,449
Okay, hold on.
315
00:12:36,451 --> 00:12:38,853
Here we go.
Here we go.
316
00:12:38,855 --> 00:12:42,388
Here I come.
317
00:12:42,390 --> 00:12:43,656
[gasps]
318
00:12:43,658 --> 00:12:46,595
[laughter]
319
00:12:49,932 --> 00:12:52,465
Um, I'm just gonna be in
the bathroom for a second.
320
00:12:52,467 --> 00:12:55,868
Don't forget to flush that
dookie, you flat-ass bitch!
321
00:12:55,870 --> 00:12:58,204
[crying]
322
00:12:58,206 --> 00:13:01,809
[rock music]
323
00:13:01,811 --> 00:13:05,512
Bobby Ray, I told you not
to be feeding stray dogs!
324
00:13:05,514 --> 00:13:07,381
Do you want to do
something useful?
325
00:13:07,383 --> 00:13:10,286
Go see if anyone's dumped
an old window fan around back.
326
00:13:17,893 --> 00:13:19,426
Hey, I'm here for art.
327
00:13:19,428 --> 00:13:21,160
Don't go in there.
It's an oven.
328
00:13:21,162 --> 00:13:22,554
Have a pop.
329
00:13:23,264 --> 00:13:25,998
Oh, God, I'm so overheated,
330
00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:27,700
it feels freezing in my hand.
331
00:13:27,702 --> 00:13:30,370
Here, just make sure
and give me
332
00:13:30,372 --> 00:13:32,275
the empty can when you're done.
333
00:13:34,810 --> 00:13:36,642
I can't believe I'm
a trailer teacher.
334
00:13:36,644 --> 00:13:39,713
Try being a vagrant art
teacher with no supplies.
335
00:13:39,715 --> 00:13:41,584
Hey, you can't leave
that bag here!
336
00:13:47,723 --> 00:13:49,256
Damn it.
337
00:13:49,258 --> 00:13:51,726
They've been using this place
as a garbage dump all day.
338
00:13:51,728 --> 00:13:53,327
I'm all by myself out here.
339
00:13:53,329 --> 00:13:54,694
[flies buzzing, crows cawing]
340
00:13:54,696 --> 00:13:57,329
I don't think me and my kids
are gonna make it.
341
00:13:57,331 --> 00:13:58,799
You know what, Deb?
342
00:13:58,801 --> 00:14:00,266
Take the hour off.
343
00:14:00,268 --> 00:14:02,535
- I'll take care of your class.
- Oh, thanks.
344
00:14:02,537 --> 00:14:04,872
Oh, and there's
a cup on my desk.
345
00:14:04,874 --> 00:14:06,073
Don't move it.
346
00:14:06,075 --> 00:14:07,607
There's a giant cockroach
under it.
347
00:14:07,609 --> 00:14:10,410
Okay,
my Eternal Soulmate and I
348
00:14:10,412 --> 00:14:13,479
are about to exchange photos
at the same time.
349
00:14:13,481 --> 00:14:15,315
You all are about to see,
350
00:14:15,317 --> 00:14:18,184
according to a scientifically
proven algorithm,
351
00:14:18,186 --> 00:14:21,323
my absolute and perfect match.
352
00:14:22,224 --> 00:14:23,424
Is everybody ready?
353
00:14:23,426 --> 00:14:25,791
["Wedding March" plays]
354
00:14:25,793 --> 00:14:28,829
[ominous music]
355
00:14:28,831 --> 00:14:30,298
[screams]
356
00:14:33,034 --> 00:14:34,770
Tear it down
357
00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:42,652
I can't believe you're
on a dating website.
358
00:14:42,677 --> 00:14:44,144
You're married.
359
00:14:44,146 --> 00:14:48,582
Actually, Roberta asked
for a divorce this summer.
360
00:14:48,584 --> 00:14:51,450
She told me she was seeing
a man named Dwayne,
361
00:14:51,452 --> 00:14:54,221
who runs the Denim Depot
in Naperville.
362
00:14:54,223 --> 00:14:56,489
Ms. Watson,
I have to confess to you
363
00:14:56,491 --> 00:14:59,358
that I never thought of you
romantically before.
364
00:14:59,360 --> 00:15:01,594
I know. Me either.
365
00:15:01,596 --> 00:15:04,164
I mean, My Eternal Soulmate
could be wrong.
366
00:15:04,166 --> 00:15:06,099
I doubt we have
that much in common.
367
00:15:06,101 --> 00:15:07,934
Hm.
368
00:15:07,936 --> 00:15:11,073
[dramatic tones]
369
00:15:13,909 --> 00:15:15,574
Oh, my God.
370
00:15:15,576 --> 00:15:19,612
That C?line ticket
is from 2008.
371
00:15:19,614 --> 00:15:21,247
Her best world tour.
372
00:15:21,249 --> 00:15:23,983
What was the name
of that, again?
373
00:15:23,985 --> 00:15:26,185
[together]
"Taking Chances."
374
00:15:26,187 --> 00:15:29,189
[romantic music]
375
00:15:29,191 --> 00:15:34,728
376
00:15:34,730 --> 00:15:38,298
Perchance we could take
a stroll about the grounds?
377
00:15:38,300 --> 00:15:41,401
I have my white straw hat.
378
00:15:41,403 --> 00:15:43,536
What say you, Anne Shirley?
379
00:15:43,538 --> 00:15:49,542
380
00:15:49,544 --> 00:15:52,346
And the little kangaroo knew
that after all that,
381
00:15:52,348 --> 00:15:54,079
he had finally found his home.
382
00:15:54,081 --> 00:15:55,482
Great reading, Rodney.
383
00:15:55,484 --> 00:15:56,950
- Good job.
- A.J.!
384
00:15:56,952 --> 00:15:58,151
Do you have any extra batteries?
385
00:15:58,153 --> 00:15:59,620
"ToeJam & Earl"
took all my juice.
386
00:15:59,622 --> 00:16:01,420
I'm trying to teach here.
Get out.
387
00:16:01,422 --> 00:16:03,893
- But...
- Get out!
388
00:16:05,549 --> 00:16:07,227
Where were we, kids?
389
00:16:07,229 --> 00:16:09,195
Oh, my God.
390
00:16:09,197 --> 00:16:10,796
I look ten years older.
391
00:16:10,798 --> 00:16:12,131
Damn.
392
00:16:12,133 --> 00:16:13,500
Damn, talking to yourself
already?
393
00:16:13,502 --> 00:16:15,468
They threatened
to bury me alive, dead.
394
00:16:15,470 --> 00:16:17,003
They actually brought a shovel.
395
00:16:17,005 --> 00:16:20,040
I'd lend you my taser,
but it's the only thing
396
00:16:20,042 --> 00:16:22,345
that keeps the rats
out of my trailer.
397
00:16:23,613 --> 00:16:25,348
[exhales]
398
00:16:28,917 --> 00:16:31,017
Get it together, Chelsea.
399
00:16:31,019 --> 00:16:34,588
Just remember all the people who
inspired you to be a teacher:
400
00:16:34,590 --> 00:16:36,689
Ryan Gosling in "Half Nelson,"
401
00:16:36,691 --> 00:16:39,126
Arnold Schwarzenegger
in "Kindergarten Cop,"
402
00:16:39,128 --> 00:16:40,960
Mr. Feeny in "Boy Meets World,"
403
00:16:40,962 --> 00:16:43,435
and Michelle Pfeiffer
in "Dangerous Minds."
404
00:16:44,066 --> 00:16:45,419
Oh, my God.
405
00:16:46,334 --> 00:16:47,699
That's it.
406
00:16:47,701 --> 00:16:50,904
[Coolio's "Gangsta's Paradise"]
407
00:16:50,906 --> 00:16:53,439
408
00:16:53,441 --> 00:16:56,343
We've been spending
most our lives
409
00:16:56,345 --> 00:16:59,679
Living in
the Gangsta's Paradise
410
00:16:59,681 --> 00:17:01,848
We've been spending
most our lives
411
00:17:01,850 --> 00:17:03,250
Whoa, nice outfit.
412
00:17:03,252 --> 00:17:05,851
You can only buy clothes
like that downtown.
413
00:17:05,853 --> 00:17:08,355
We keep spending
most our lives
414
00:17:08,357 --> 00:17:11,132
I never got to pass it.
415
00:17:11,659 --> 00:17:14,127
We keep spending
most our lives
416
00:17:14,129 --> 00:17:18,632
Living in
the Gangsta's Paradise
417
00:17:18,634 --> 00:17:22,602
Remember, there are
no victims in that classroom.
418
00:17:22,604 --> 00:17:24,104
Hm.
419
00:17:24,106 --> 00:17:29,143
420
00:17:29,145 --> 00:17:32,145
[dramatic music]
421
00:17:32,147 --> 00:17:39,288
422
00:17:53,502 --> 00:17:55,201
Okay, listen up.
423
00:17:55,203 --> 00:17:58,672
Everyone else in the school
is scared of you, but I'm not.
424
00:17:58,674 --> 00:18:00,874
This year, it's gonna be
a little different,
425
00:18:00,876 --> 00:18:05,011
because this year,
you are dealing with Ms. Snap.
426
00:18:05,013 --> 00:18:08,682
I was a featured background
extra on "Kitchen Nightmares."
427
00:18:08,684 --> 00:18:12,618
I attend outdoor summer concerts
in heels, not wedges.
428
00:18:12,620 --> 00:18:14,421
And I don't even need Spanx,
429
00:18:14,423 --> 00:18:17,523
but I wear them because
I like pain.
430
00:18:17,525 --> 00:18:19,960
And if I can do
all of those things,
431
00:18:19,962 --> 00:18:24,030
then nothing can stop me,
including Hell Class.
432
00:18:24,032 --> 00:18:25,531
[inspiring music]
433
00:18:25,533 --> 00:18:28,536
So let's learn now!
434
00:18:32,041 --> 00:18:36,012
Ms. Snap,
that was pathetic and sad.
435
00:18:37,612 --> 00:18:40,513
But we've never had
anyone care enough
436
00:18:40,515 --> 00:18:43,517
to try so hard.
We'll give it to you.
437
00:18:43,519 --> 00:18:45,054
You can teach us.
438
00:18:47,555 --> 00:18:50,659
Okay, Hell Class,
take out your math workbooks.
439
00:18:53,227 --> 00:18:56,530
Take out your workbooks,
or I'm gonna cut someone.
440
00:18:56,532 --> 00:19:00,466
Yes, take out your workbooks,
or you will get cut.
441
00:19:00,468 --> 00:19:03,470
[gentle music]
442
00:19:03,472 --> 00:19:05,338
443
00:19:05,340 --> 00:19:07,240
Good job, guys.
You can go back inside.
444
00:19:07,242 --> 00:19:08,942
445
00:19:08,944 --> 00:19:12,645
Holy crap, Cecilia.
This is beautiful.
446
00:19:12,647 --> 00:19:13,914
But you used all the cans
447
00:19:13,916 --> 00:19:15,616
that you were collecting
to buy art supplies.
448
00:19:15,618 --> 00:19:18,518
That's okay.
I still have my paintbrush.
449
00:19:18,520 --> 00:19:21,467
And I realized my medium
is all around me.
450
00:19:22,291 --> 00:19:23,857
You mean garbage?
451
00:19:23,859 --> 00:19:29,195
452
00:19:29,197 --> 00:19:31,130
I love "Anne of Green Gables."
453
00:19:31,132 --> 00:19:34,000
I know, it's the Canadian
"Pride and Prejudice."
454
00:19:34,002 --> 00:19:35,734
Yeah, yeah.
455
00:19:35,736 --> 00:19:38,637
I love Pyrex
storage containers.
456
00:19:38,639 --> 00:19:40,674
They're the only kind I use.
457
00:19:40,676 --> 00:19:42,242
- Me too!
- [gasps]
458
00:19:42,244 --> 00:19:44,043
Shall we?
459
00:19:44,045 --> 00:19:47,915
460
00:19:47,917 --> 00:19:52,150
I actually find it quite sensual
how each container nests
461
00:19:52,152 --> 00:19:53,619
one into the other,
462
00:19:53,621 --> 00:19:56,123
finding its perfect fit.
463
00:19:56,125 --> 00:19:59,125
Do you ever feel like an old
Tupperware whose lid is lost
464
00:19:59,127 --> 00:20:02,896
and doesn't get filled
with leftovers anymore?
465
00:20:02,898 --> 00:20:06,599
I feel more like the lid
looking for its container.
466
00:20:06,601 --> 00:20:09,802
[romantic music]
467
00:20:09,804 --> 00:20:14,173
468
00:20:14,175 --> 00:20:16,009
What is happening here?
469
00:20:16,011 --> 00:20:18,110
That's her Eternal Soulmate?
470
00:20:18,112 --> 00:20:19,579
Oh, my God.
471
00:20:19,581 --> 00:20:20,981
[Furby gibbering]
472
00:20:20,983 --> 00:20:23,049
473
00:20:23,051 --> 00:20:25,385
Caroline...
474
00:20:25,387 --> 00:20:26,919
Toby...
475
00:20:26,921 --> 00:20:30,624
476
00:20:30,626 --> 00:20:32,457
[dog barking]
477
00:20:32,459 --> 00:20:33,860
[snarling]
478
00:20:33,862 --> 00:20:36,798
[both screaming]
479
00:20:40,468 --> 00:20:42,636
Call 911!
480
00:20:42,638 --> 00:20:44,471
Someone help me!
Help me!
481
00:20:44,473 --> 00:20:46,839
I'm just a man!
I can't die today!
482
00:20:46,841 --> 00:20:49,142
Get away!
Get away!
483
00:20:49,144 --> 00:20:51,979
Not my salmon capris!
484
00:20:51,981 --> 00:20:53,783
Okay, no.
485
00:20:56,417 --> 00:20:57,887
Tear it down
486
00:20:59,286 --> 00:21:02,254
This was the best
first day of school ever.
487
00:21:02,256 --> 00:21:04,456
[laughs] Sure was.
488
00:21:04,458 --> 00:21:05,791
Okay, guys.
489
00:21:05,793 --> 00:21:07,661
Ms. Feldman has to go do
three months' worth
490
00:21:07,663 --> 00:21:08,860
of laundry now,
491
00:21:08,862 --> 00:21:10,762
but she'll see you
tomorrow, okay?
492
00:21:10,764 --> 00:21:13,802
- Bye!
- all: Bye!
493
00:21:16,638 --> 00:21:18,706
[horn blasts]
494
00:21:21,209 --> 00:21:23,777
[metal crunching]
495
00:21:23,779 --> 00:21:26,882
[gasping]
My paintbrush!
496
00:21:28,894 --> 00:21:35,820
Synced & corrected by -robtor-
www.addic7ed.com
497
00:21:35,822 --> 00:21:40,196
498
00:21:41,295 --> 00:21:44,129
Tear it down
499
00:21:44,131 --> 00:21:46,765
Tear it down
500
00:21:46,767 --> 00:21:49,536
Tear it down
501
00:21:49,538 --> 00:21:51,740
Tear it down
502
00:21:53,274 --> 00:21:55,210
Oh, yeah.
503
00:21:55,260 --> 00:21:59,810
Repair and Synchronization by
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