All language subtitles for Teachers s01e07 Bad Tweeter.eng

And that's why you should never have sex

at a renaissance faire.

- Hey.
- What's up?

I'm struggling
to get through to this girl

in my class, Camille.

She's painfully shy.

I'm not surprised.

I just read this great
article on Jezebel

about how women are constantly
being silenced and...

Shh! She's just shy.
She's not oppressed.

I was like that until I first
stumbled into an AOL chat room.

That's where I discovered my anger...

and my sexuality.

- Hey!
- [gasps]

I see y'all got my tweet.

- Yeah. Very classy, Chelsea.
- What?

The word you used?

In this context, it means friends.

"See you at Fitzpatrick's. TGIF, twats."

[laughter]

Yeah, friends.

You know what it usually means?

Butthole.

Wrong side, genius.

That would be a "balloon knot"
or a "stink star."

"Chocolate starfish."

Or "rusty bullet hole."

Whatever. It's just a tweet.
It's not a big deal.

You're suspended.

What? Why?

Does this tweet look familiar?

You follow me on Twitter?

Principal Pearson?

I'm here as Ms. Snap's union rep.

This meeting does not take place
without me in attendance.

Great! I was hoping this would
take twice as long.

Ms. Snap, I've spent my morning
fielding phone calls

from angry parents.

How many? Did they retweet it?

Oh, my God. Did I go viral?

This is nothing to be proud of.

That tweet was totally inappropriate.

That's why I'm suspending you. - What?

You can't hold her accountable

for what she does outside of school.

Actually, I can.

Oh, my God, I have 41 followers now.

You know she can't use that word.

What word?

It means...

What?

[mumbling] Vagina.

I'm sorry, I didn't hear that.

- Vagina.
- Oh.

Hmm.

In the context it was used,
it meant friend.

Ms. Snap is my twat.

I don't care!

Ms. Snap, you're suspended
for three days.

- This is an outrage!
- I know. [scoffs]

You're doing the right thing.

[rock music]

Synced & corrected by -robtor-
www.addic7ed.com

This poor kid has no confidence.

Usually society waits until puberty

to make girls an insecure mess.

Let me talk to her.

I'm the "Shy Kid Whisperer."

'Sup, girlfriend?

You like rap?

John Waters films?

Okay. How about a story?

Let me tell you a story
about a shy little otter

her freshman year of college.

One night, she went to a Phish concert

but was too shy to talk to anyone else.

But then, a friendly otter
offered her a courage brownie.

After one bite, she started
talking to other people.

After two bites, she started singing.

After three bites, she was riding on top

of shirtless boy otters' shoulders,

wearing nothing but her smile
and a glow-stick tiara.

She woke up with her new otter friends

in a cool van with curtains

and a tattoo she didn't even
have to pay for.

And all it took was a
little bit of courage

for her to find her voice.

The end.

Thanks.

Consider her whispered.

Pearson can't hold us accountable

for our actions outside of school.

We will not be silenced, and we can't...

Shh! I'm on the phone.

Yes, I would like to hear more
about the Wine Country

getaway package.

You guys, think about it.

If this could happen to Chelsea,
it could happen to any of us.

No, because we're not idiots,

and we actually think before we act.

[coughing]

I don't know what to do.

I mean, Chelsea's my best friend
in the whole world,

but it's the T word.

This is why you have to be
very careful on social media.

One time, I tweeted that
I love the Olive Garden,

and now my Italian friends
won't talk to me.

Ms. Snap, you should have
vacated the premises

30 minutes ago.

I'm on the phone.

Principal Pearson,

in support of our sister Chelsea's right

to a life outside of school,

I have decided to be the Rosa Parks

of Fillmore Elementary...

But you're white.

And stand up for justice!

She definitely sat down.

We're staging a walkout!

Come on, everyone!

To the parking lot!

Suspended!

[scoffs]

[rock music]

Great reading, everyone!

Now, what did we all
learn from the story?

[gasps] Oh, Camille!

I'm so glad you want to participate.

I learned that Michael's lisp
hasn't gotten any better,

McKenzie's nose whistles
when she breathes...

[nose whistles]

And Bridget sucks at reading.

Those aren't very nice things to say.

What I meant was, what did we
learn from the story itself?

Oh, well, I learned that

the poor little girl in the story

is a lot like Linda,

because Linda lives in an apartment

and wears supermarket sneakers.

Camille,

I'm very glad you're sharing
your voice with us,

but children in my class are not
allowed to speak like that.

Okay?

Oh! Because you know
everything about children.

You don't even have any children

because no one will marry you.

[children gasp]

So you see, Jesus forgave Peter,

even though he spoke against him.

And I'm sure if Peter
had used the T word

on scroll or parchment...

I'm not going to revoke Ms. Snap

and Ms. Cannon's suspensions.

Oh, I'm just here for Ms. Snap.

I can't bear to think of my best friend

out there suffering.

[opera music]

Mm. Ah!

I'm gonna need to try that one again.

I know you and Snap have

some sort of master-slave relationship,

but what she did is unacceptable.

But what she did isn't nearly
as bad as some of the things

the other teachers do outside of school.

- Really?
- Oh, yeah!

At Mrs. Adler's Wiccan ceremonies,

she has group s-e-x to make
the crops grow better.

[dramatic music]

Hmm.

That does put things in perspective.

What else do the other teachers do?

Oh, brother, so much stuff!

I was hoodwinked!

Principal Pearson asked me
so many questions,

and I didn't realize what was happening

before it was too late!

Too late for what?

I told him all about
your horrible personal lives.

Deb, he knows you're a Wiccan.

I'm sorry, what?

Caroline, I told him about the photos

from your sorority Pimps and Hos party.

Flickr, 2006.

Feldman, I may have
accidentally told him

what happened at Bonnaroo!

[dramatic music]

I'm sorry!

Come on, what is the password?

[computer beeps]

Yankeecandle272.

[computer beeps] [groans]

Jacobswife9696.

[computer beeps]

Talbots?

I'm calling to follow up
on my assault case.

No, not the Air and Water Show.
The Phish concert.

Mom, I need you to log in
to your You Tube page

and take down all of the Wiccan
videos you posted of me.

AlwaysBrunchin8. [high-pitched beep]

Yes! Delete!

No, I can't delete them.

You posted them from
your You Tube account.

Open your Internet browser.

Click on the little compass!

So you never found Ms. Feldman
sleeping on a park bench

that morning on your way to school.

Good, but if that ever happens again

and it's a school day, wake me up.

What are you doing?

Nothing. What are you doing?

Nothing.

So you know that Camille kid?

Mm, the shy kid I whispered?

Yeah. She sucks!
She needs to be unwhispered.

She's going around insulting everyone.

She's just experiencing growing pains.

Think of this as the chrysalis stage

before she emerges as a butterfly.

Who feeds on the nectar
of other people's insecurities.

What are you staring at?

I'm just trying to imagine you
at a Pimps and Hos party.

I went as a classy hooker.

I was an escort
for boarding school headmasters.

[rock music]

- I'm totally freaking out.
- Me too.

I mean, getting suspended

is like the first step
to becoming a crack whore!

- Hello, ladies.
- [gasps]

all: Hello, Principal Pearson.

How is everyone?

Pleasant and normal.

I've had a very uneventful day.

Clearly, you're all aware
of the conversation

Ms. Bennigan and I had.

I can neither confirm nor deny

my knowledge of such an interaction.

I haven't found proof
of your misconduct yet,

but if I do, be prepared
for the same consequences

as Ms. Snap and Ms. Cannon.

Oh, my God, I can't decoupage
on the streets.

[rock music]

Hiyo, girlios!

You guys, I didn't tell
Pearson everything.

I didn't tell him that you
stabbed the school accordion.

I was putting it out of its misery.

Wait, how did you know about that?

- Everybody knows about that.
- Oh, yeah?

Well, everybody knows about you
lying about your grandma dying,

so you could go to
roller derby regionals.

Uh, it was the national semifinals.

[laughs]

Oh, that's funny,
Miss Queefing over the PA?

You said that was between us!

It's not a secret
if everyone can hear it.

Apparently, nothing is a secret.

Stop it!

Why are we fighting?
We're the lucky ones.

We're still here! Think
about poor Chelsea.

Mm. Do you wanna see my tits?

[laughs]

We're not the enemy.
Principal Pearson is!

She's right.

He can't expect us to change
who we are outside of school.

Yeah, I can't leave my coven.

I've already paid my annual dues.

And I'm sorry,
but women should be allowed

to dress like whores if they want.

What are they going to do next?
Cancel Halloween?

There's only one person
who can get us out of this mess.

[doorbell gong chime]

[chanting music playing]

Well, well, well.

This smells interesting. What is it?

Yak butter tea.

It's made with the breast milk
of pack animals.

[spitting]

Do you really not own one chair?

Chairs are first-world
constructs that eliminate

our connection to the earth.

Okay, we've gotta draw attention
to our cause.

You know what? We need
to organize a march.

Again, you're white.

It'll end with us
storming the Board of Education

with the community behind us!

Principal Pearson can't ignore that.

Someone check the weather.
If it's nice, we'll march naked.

[rock music]

I think the march will have
a great turnout.

I sent an e-vite to everyone

in my Celine Dion fan
club, Celine on Me.

Ah, it's gonna be huge.

I told three different Domino's
delivery guys.

You two stink at teeter-totter!

Everyone's laughing at you.

That kid is the devil.

She just needs some gentle guidance.

What she needs is to be driven
off into the middle of the woods

and left there.

I got this.

'Sup, girlfriend?

You're a real mess.

[laughs] Why would you say that?

It's always the head cases

that want to help the quiet ones.

Say what?

Stop trying to get
your life right through me!

Oh, okay, Ms. Feldman's
gonna tell you a story

about a college otter
who got tweaked out on courage

and got a little bit too mouthy!

You already wasted my time with this.

Ah... zip it!

Once there was a formerly shy otter

who followed a band
by the name of Phish.

By the time Phish was
headlining Bonnaroo,

she decided that nobody was
a better Phish fan than she was.

And after a heated argument
on whether or not the band

had sold out by doing stadium shows,

she ripped off an antenna from a VW bus

and whipped a fake,
white Rasta otter with it

until he was really,
really, really hurt.

But what she didn't know was,

that otter was
an undercover narcotics officer.

Mm-hmm. She ended up in jail.

A prison otter's bitch.

And all that could have been avoided

if she hadn't used her otter voice to be

such a rotten little a-hole
to the other otters.

The end.

I don't want to be
a prison otter's bitch!

I'm sorry!

[rock music]

Bloostery, Ember, we need to make sure

there are water stations
at every mile mark.

Hi! You must be members of Deb's coven.

I want to thank you
for canonizing our march

with your sacred invocations.

I bribed them with the nacho waterfall.

Get on it!

We can't have dehydrated marchers!

Into the night, my little ravens!

Great turnout.

You would not believe how many cute guys

support a woman's right
to dress like a ho.

- Yes!
- Check out my shirt.

[laughs] It's puff paint!
I made it myself.

Cool. I made one too.

Great! We're all here.

Let's get this march started.

Ladies and gentlemen!

Tonight we are taking back the twat!

Before we march,
I'd like to invite the woman

who started this all to say a few words.

Chelsea Snap!

Chelsea?

[opera music]

Ma'am, that's sold by the ounce.

It's not complimentary.

Go [BLEEP] yourself.

I'm sure she'll be here any second.

So everybody knows the plan.

We'll be marching through the streets

to the Board of Education.

We are going to overcome
this oppression!

[crowd gasps]

Isn't this a little much?

Mm, when did he shave his mustache?

Principal Pearson!

Yeah, we get it, Deb.

No! Principal Pearson!

Principal Pearson,
what are you doing here?

I'm a member of Celine on Me.

You will all be held accountable!

No. This was my idea,
and I refuse to be silenced.

Shush!

You are all suspended!

He can't stop us!

Look how many of us came out
to support this cause!

Let the march begin!

[dramatic music]

All right, it's about that time.

Who's here for Trivia Night?

[crowd cheers]

One minute, that way. Have fun, guys!

[crowd cheers]

[banging on drum]

[gasps]

Ms. Cannon, your suspension
isn't up until Monday.

I'm so sorry to interrupt.

But I've had time to think,

and I just wanted
to let you know I understand now

that the actions of the staff
do reflect on the school.

I'm glad.

In fact, I've been
researching the activities

of other staff members.

Good for you.

I didn't realize that you
spent a year in clown college.

Yes, I did,

in France, where it's considered
an art form.

Now if you don't mind, I'm busy.

I also saw a video of you

winning the 1987 quad-city
aerobics championships.

Yes, Olivia Newton-John presented me

with the Gold Headband.

Is there anything else?

Actually, there is.

My friend Meadow, who I lived
in a yurt with in college,

works down at the county courthouse.

And apparently in 1996,
you were arrested in Peoria

for publicly defecating
behind a Motel 6.

I'm just here to offer my support, Toby.

I mean, I'd hate to see you go down

in this witch-hunt environment.

And don't worry, I'll keep this
so no one gets a hold of it.

I lost my room key.

- To Cecelia.
- Awesome.

You're a baller, girl.

Yeah, thanks for getting
our suspensions revoked.

I couldn't have done
it without you guys.

Now our personal lives
are nobody else's business.

Ah, thank goodness.

It's like a weight has been
lifted off my shoulders.

I've been living in
fear this whole week.

Why? What did you do, Mary Louise?

What I'm about to tell you
needs to stay in this room,

because if this gets
out, it will ruin me.

- Oh, my God.
- What is it?

When I was in college...

Please let this be a shit show.

I had a nine-month correspondence

with David Hasselhoff!

[sobbing]

[opera music]

[cell phone ringtone]

[slurred] Hello?

Ms. Snap? Principal Pearson.

Your suspension has been revoked.

We need you back.

Fill 'er up cowboy,

I'm about to get 3 more days of vacation.

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