All language subtitles for Teachers s01e06 Drunk Kiss.eng

[rock music]

You know there's no music, right?

Don't need it. I am celebrating.

That bitch, Alyssa F.,
got transferred out of my class.

- [laughs]
- Whoo!

Bye-bye! [laughs]

Alyssa with the leg braces?

Look, I know it sounds rough,
but everyone telling her

"you can do anything" gave her
a serious attitude problem.

Whoo! We're so drunk.

[both laughing]

Why are we watching this?

- Because it's sad.
- Because it's hilarious.

Watch my purse.

Gotta drop some diamonds in the vault.

Be still, my babies.

Whoopsie, girlie-o. [laughs] This way.

We're having fun. [laughs]

You guys, I have to tell you

about the most amazing book I'm reading,

"The System" by Dr. Daffodil Shalomar.

What's The System?

The System is all about
the power of positive thinking.

It says that if you want something,

you just demand it and it'll happen.

You know that's bullshit, right?

Oh, really? Because last night,

I demanded more order
in my life, and this morning,

The Container Store sent me this coupon.

The System works.

Uh-ohh. No, no, this way. Okay, here we go.

Oh, get your roots done. You make me sick!

Oh, we're making fun of people,

which means we're having fun.

I feel fat.

- No.
- Yeah.

Chelsea, you look like a supermodel.

You're practically anorexic.

Oh. Thank you.

Oh, what would I do without you
constantly complimenting me?

Okay, I have to get out of this jumper.

I feel like a Chilean miner in here.

Thanks, bitch. I just love ya.

Hey, don't forget, this is the last week

you can get your physical if
you want insurance to cover it.

Why do we have to answer
all those personal questions?

Had mine this morning. Gotta say,

not as much fun as when
the breast exam van comes by.

There's no breast exam van.

Oh, shit.

I demand water!

[door opens]

[Asian pipe music]

[gasps]

[whispering] The System works.

No. I set up a delivery yesterday.

Or did I set it up with my mind?

I cannot believe you're buying into

this commercialized spirituality.

That book comes with a T-shirt.

Jodi Sweetin swears by it.

It's what finally got her off meth.

Does The System work for
things you don't want to happen?

Hey, girl. Fun night last night.

Here, take some of this lotion.

I feel like I just gave 11 hand jobs.

[sweet music]

I just love ya.

Stop it!

I have to go teach a class.

So nobody's been in a van
that gives breast exams?

All right class, the first step
of the scientific method

is to ask a question.
Today's question is...

what happened to Seal's face?

Brad?

He got burned by oil.

What a great detail.
Great critical thinking.

Good job. Yeah, sweetie?

Maybe he got scratched by a tiger.

Mm-hmm, yeah,
that's a real possibility too.

Polly?

I think he's allergic to seals.

Wow, guys. Is Seal allergic to seals?

Or is he allergic to himself?

A bit too much?

Ms. Feldman? I need to see you

in my office, now.

All: Ooh!

[mocking] Ooh!

I love you guys. [chuckles]

All right, everyone, hand in

your pen pal letters for the elderly.

Hey, give it back! I need it.

- Avery? Maria?
- No, I want... I want it!

What's going on back here?

She's touching my crayons.

Avery, are you touching Maria's crayons?

Yeah, I want a crayon.

If you want to touch someone's crayons,

you should find someone who's okay

with having their crayons touched.

But I thought we were supposed to share.

No! No more sharing!

It sends a very confusing message.

She's my friend.

I don't care.

Avery, you want more from Maria
than Maria is willing to give.

Maria, I think you should stop
being Avery's friend.

It's not that big of a deal.

It's the biggest deal ever!

You can't just touch
your best friend's crayons

and expect everything to be okay!

Ms. Feldman, you know
that health history form

you filled out during your annual physical?

Did you mean to check every box yes?

Yes.

Why would you do that?

You can't have every condition
on that form.

I do.

- You take drugs?
- Mm-hmm.

- You never exercise?
- No.

Often have feelings of paranoia?

None of us could believe
you checked that one.

Oh, it's stuff like that
that makes me paranoid.

And you frequently experience
emotional instability,

hallucinations, delusions of grandeur?

On my period, yes!

Why did you check
that you have suicidal thoughts?

Because I have a lot
of opinions about suicide.

Oh! Now that I'm hearing
that question aloud...

Well, thanks to your answers,
the school district is sending

a psychologist to evaluate
your classroom performance.

Oh, I do not think that is necessary.

The district does.

Your answers were very disturbing.

Very disturbing!

We're done here.

Oh.

For the record, suicidal opinions

are a lot different than suicidal thoughts.

For sure. Thank you.

Hey, girl. You smell good.

Oh, that's right, it's my lotion.

You and I are eating lunch
on the playground today.

There is this hot homeless guy

wandering around the neighborhood.

He looks just like Joaquin Phoenix.

Oh, my God, maybe it is Joaquin Phoenix.

I can't.

- Why not?
- I ...have to go

build a wood shack and make Ranch dip.

- What?
- I like you as a friend,

but we're not exclusive lunch buddies.

All right, whatever. Bye, Felicia.

Hey girl, you missed
some goodies at lunch today.

I was ears deep in a hot muffin.

[gasps]

[scoffs]

Is it just me or is Bennigan
acting weird lately?

No, I just had lunch with her
and she seemed fine.

Oh, dang! Let me ask you this.

If you had neighbors next door
that were loud,

you'd call that hearing voices,
wouldn't you?

Wait, you had lunch with her?

Whatever.

I didn't even want to have lunch
with her today anyway.

Did you know that she posts YouTube videos

on how to fold a fitted sheet?
Weird, right?

[gasps] You're still here?

What the heck?

Did you two have a fight or something?

We're, like, not even close
enough friends to have a fight.

Besides, I have tons of friends.
Too many friends.

In fact, last year during spring cleaning,

I got rid of some friends.

Get out of my face!

What are you doing?

I'm making a vision board.

The System says it'll complement my demands

and help me achieve my goals.

Oh. Is that an infinity pool?

Yes, and a husband with a boat,

a private orchard,
and a bathroom with a telephone.

You do know you make $37,000 a year, right?

I don't like your attitude.
I demand that you leave.

[Asian pipe music]

Just so you know, I'm leaving
because I can't stand to be

around this idiocy anymore,
not because you willed it.

The System works.

[Asian pipe music]

Ugh, I look heinous.

I can feel my heartbeat
through this pimple.

Ugh. Yeah, when that thing blows,

it's gonna be like Pompeii in here.

Okay, I'm clearly not doing well,

so the polite thing to do when
someone criticizes themselves

is to compliment them.

Sorry, Chelsea,
I'm not gonna "Bennigan" you.

Oh.

How am I supposed to feel good
about myself?

[groans]

[sobs]

I was going to the bathroom and suddenly,

for no reason, I couldn't breathe.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, there was a reason.

And since we have
nurse-patient confidentiality,

I guess I can tell you.

My best friend Chelsea's suffering

because she's in love with me.

Mm-hmm.

[romantic music]

We're so beautiful.

[gasps]

But I can't help her.

You have to understand,

I never knew she felt this way about me.

- Mm-hmm.
- Seriously.

She sleeps with hundreds of men

and practically lives at the Ramada.

- How was I to know?
- Mm-hmm.

I can't be her girlfriend.

I mean, when my friend Josiah was caught

kissing boys at Rapture Camp,

they sent him to North Dakota
so he could stop being gay.

I don't want to go to North Dakota!

Mm-hmm.

You're right.

I have to cut her out of my life.

Thank you.

[door squeaking]

I don't get paid enough

to deal with these crazy bitches.

Are you nervous about the evaluation?

Nah, when they come to my classroom,

I'll just put on that video
where monkeys teach fractions.

[chuckles] It's hilarious.

Feldman, this is really serious.

If they find you mentally unstable,

they can take away your teaching license.

It's okay.

You just have to act like a normal teacher.

Oh, crap.

And that was how I realized
Houses for Humans

was corporatizing their donations.

I'm sorry. I'm confused.

What does this story have to do with me?

Have you talked to Bennigan?

What is going on with you two?

I don't know. She's avoiding me.

It sucks not having my little
Christian with me all day.

I miss our talks about "Teen Mom"

where we guess which one will be

the first to get their kid taken away.

But I, like, don't really
miss her or anything.

Of course you do. She's your best friend.

She is not my best friend.

- Yeah, she is.
- No, she's not.

She's my co-worker.

We just make our mid-afternoon
French presses together.

And we make fun of Rhonda
the gym teacher and her FUPA,

and one time when I had
my wisdom teeth taken out,

and my cheeks blew up like a chipmunk,

she shoved food in her cheeks
so she looked like a chipmunk,

and we created these characters called.

Oh, my God, she's my best friend.

Mary Louise!

I'm not a chipmunk.

I'm a woman.

I've never seen you here before 7:30.

Did your date have
an early checkout at the Ramada?

No. I'm waiting for Mary Louise.

Huh.

Look who's become the bottom bitch.

[gasps]

[strained gasp]

Wait, Mary Louise!

I don't know what happened between us,

but I am sorry if I did something wrong.

I got you this bracelet to show you

how much I appreciate our friendship.

Look, "What Would Jesus Do?"

[tense rock music]

What would Jesus do?

He would not do this!

[gasps]

What is going on?

[bell ringing]

[funk music]

Hello, my wonderful class.

Last night, I wondered
where all of you were,

but then I remembered
you're not really my children.

[clears throat]

These pantyhose are itchy.

Er than normal,
because I wear them every day.

Why are you dressed funny?

You usually dress like

my sad uncle who yells at ghosts.

[laughs]

Oh, I ain't afraid of no ghost.

[glass breaking]

[children gasping]

Gonna take the spectacles off.

Okay, my little learning lizards,

why don't we pull out our workbooks

that we work on every day?

Brad, can you, uh, tell me the answer to

number one on page 24?

No, you made us turn
our notebooks into origami.

Remember?

On that day that we did

the "Karate Kid" marathon.

[laughs nervously]

Forget the workbooks!

Why don't we move on to social studies?

How many studies
do we think are social, hmm?

Who are you?

Yeah, we miss Miss Feldman.

She's right here!

It's me, Miss Feldman!

[children exclaiming]
Nothing about this is weird.

Okay? Can we show Miss F some respect?

And just go with it for one minute.

Let's review something we all know.

Macho Man Randy Savage!

All: Yeah!

Oh, yeah!

[all cheering]

I just miss her so much.

Maybe I should just give in
to what she wants.

But I can't.

They'd never let me back at Rapture Camp

and I'd miss Pastor Ted's Annual
Banana Swallowing Contest.

[sighs]

Without Chelsea,

who's going to ask me for money

and let me be their sober driver?

[snores]

You're right.

I have to make a choice.

Thanks, Joaquin.

I don't get paid enough to
deal with these crazy bitches.

Hey, Cecilia, do you have
my label-maker because...

Hey!

You got "The System."

You did the right thing.

Now we can both benefit from it.

Unless one of us is better at it.

[inhales sharply] What do you mean?

If the two of us have conflicting desires,

only one of us can get what they want.

Oh, no.

Caroline...

I want you to stop using the System.

If the System works as you say,

then, because I willed it,
it should happen.

But...

I demand you stop using the System.

But I don't want to stop using the System.

Yes, but I do want you to stop.

[dramatic music]

Okay! [gasping]

Okay!

I can't fight you.

The System is stronger in you.

[Asian pipe music]

But now you have to admit
that the System works.

I would have to admit that...

if I actually read the book!

[gasps]

[dramatic chords]

You've taken everything from me.

I need to talk to you.

I know I seemed crazy earlier,

but that's only because the other teachers

talked me into not teaching
my normal crazy way.

I don't know how to act normal,
so it seemed crazy.

And now this seems crazy, Goddammit.

Look, I'm a really good teacher.

You should see me teach multiplication

using Lionel Richie's "Three Times a Lady."

It's like Dead Poets Society.

Just stop talking. You're a train wreck.

I looked at your health questionnaire

and it says you've taken Ecstasy.

Hey, wait up. We need to talk.

[suspenseful music]

I realized how important you are to me.

Stop!

[hyperventilating]

I need you!

I love you!

[whimpering]

No, get away from me!

Mary Louise, you are acting crazy!

[grunting]

Tell me what I did please!

- [hyperventilating]
- Please.

Chelsea...

Oh...

What are you doing?

[whimpers]

Dude...

Oh, my God, you took off your panthose?

I can't believe you didn't get fired.

He passed me in exchange for some Ecstasy.

But that's not all.

Guess who's going to Burning Man
with Dr. Hazel?

Oh, my God, again?

Seriously, what are you doing?

If you don't want this,

then why did you kiss me at Fitzpatrick's?

What? I kissed everybody that night.

- Yeah.
- She got me.

- She did.
- I got tongue.

You kissed everybody that night?

Yeah. I was drunk.

[gasps]

How does that feel, you floozy!?!

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0