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1
00:00:04,734 --> 00:00:07,767
( theme music playing )
2
00:01:02,000 --> 00:01:03,134
Excuse me.
3
00:01:03,167 --> 00:01:05,900
We're looking for
Louie De Palma.
4
00:01:05,934 --> 00:01:08,366
Well, we got one, but ours
is in the men's room.
5
00:01:08,400 --> 00:01:09,767
( chuckles )
Can I help you?
6
00:01:09,800 --> 00:01:12,267
Yeah. We're with
the Immigration Department.
7
00:01:12,301 --> 00:01:13,533
Oh?
8
00:01:13,567 --> 00:01:15,100
We're trying to find
a Latka Gravas.
9
00:01:15,134 --> 00:01:16,834
A Latka Gravas?
10
00:01:16,867 --> 00:01:20,533
Do you mind if I see
your identification?
11
00:01:20,567 --> 00:01:21,867
Thank you.
12
00:01:21,900 --> 00:01:25,100
I never heard of him.
13
00:01:25,134 --> 00:01:27,201
Gentlemen, we're going
to grab a cup of coffee.
14
00:01:27,234 --> 00:01:29,533
We'll be back in a few
minutes to see Mr. De Palma.
15
00:01:29,567 --> 00:01:30,934
Fine.
16
00:01:32,633 --> 00:01:33,934
Latka.
17
00:01:33,967 --> 00:01:35,201
Get out of there.
18
00:01:35,234 --> 00:01:37,333
Latka.
19
00:01:37,366 --> 00:01:40,934
What do those men from
the Immigration Department want to see you for?
20
00:01:40,967 --> 00:01:41,867
They send letter.
21
00:01:41,900 --> 00:01:42,867
Let me see.
22
00:01:42,900 --> 00:01:44,067
Yeah, it's from
23
00:01:44,100 --> 00:01:45,267
the Immigration Department.
24
00:01:45,301 --> 00:01:48,000
Latka, how long ago
did you get this?
25
00:01:48,034 --> 00:01:48,834
Two weeks.
26
00:01:48,867 --> 00:01:50,201
How come you
27
00:01:50,234 --> 00:01:52,733
didn't have any of us
translate it for you?
28
00:01:52,767 --> 00:01:53,834
Did it myself.
29
00:01:53,867 --> 00:01:55,533
How far did
you get?
30
00:01:55,567 --> 00:01:56,533
"Dear Allen."
31
00:01:56,567 --> 00:01:58,067
That's "Alien."
32
00:02:00,867 --> 00:02:03,567
Latka's Student Visa
ran out a month ago.
33
00:02:03,600 --> 00:02:05,867
Listen to this. "If you do not
contact this office by"--
34
00:02:05,900 --> 00:02:07,500
that's four days ago--
35
00:02:07,533 --> 00:02:10,533
"a warrant will be issued
for your arrest."
36
00:02:10,567 --> 00:02:11,934
Uh-oh.
37
00:02:11,967 --> 00:02:14,134
Latka, those men were here
today to arrest you.
38
00:02:14,167 --> 00:02:15,800
What means "arrest"?
39
00:02:15,834 --> 00:02:16,834
Prison.
40
00:02:16,867 --> 00:02:18,967
Uh... behind bars.
41
00:02:20,067 --> 00:02:20,700
Jail.
42
00:02:21,967 --> 00:02:23,134
Police.
43
00:02:23,167 --> 00:02:24,967
Oh, no. I...
( speaks native language )
44
00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:26,400
Latka, Latka,
Latka, sit down.
45
00:02:26,433 --> 00:02:27,600
Just sit down.
46
00:02:27,633 --> 00:02:29,234
Latka, La...
Do you have your papers?
47
00:02:29,267 --> 00:02:30,234
Papers?
48
00:02:30,267 --> 00:02:31,234
Papers.
49
00:02:31,267 --> 00:02:33,834
Zigzags?
50
00:02:33,867 --> 00:02:36,100
No.
51
00:02:36,134 --> 00:02:38,834
You know, Latka,
you're in real trouble.
52
00:02:38,867 --> 00:02:40,733
Hey, hey, hey,
what's the big deal?
53
00:02:40,767 --> 00:02:42,301
The worst thing that can happen
54
00:02:42,333 --> 00:02:44,400
is they send you back
where you came from.
55
00:02:44,433 --> 00:02:47,633
You ever see any of the letters
Latka gets from his homeland?
56
00:02:47,667 --> 00:02:50,234
They have postage stamps
that honor barbed wire.
57
00:02:51,333 --> 00:02:52,667
Okay, you bozos.
58
00:02:52,700 --> 00:02:55,067
I cleaned all
your filthy graffiti
59
00:02:55,100 --> 00:02:57,333
off the walls of the can.
60
00:02:57,366 --> 00:02:59,134
And I want you to know
61
00:02:59,167 --> 00:03:02,333
what you wrote about me
in there was disgusting.
62
00:03:02,366 --> 00:03:04,234
Some of it ain't even true.
63
00:03:04,267 --> 00:03:05,333
You should see
64
00:03:05,366 --> 00:03:06,834
what's written
about you
65
00:03:06,867 --> 00:03:09,201
on the walls of
the ladies' room.
66
00:03:09,234 --> 00:03:11,167
I know what it says in there.
67
00:03:11,201 --> 00:03:12,900
I wrote it.
68
00:03:14,900 --> 00:03:16,533
Hey, Louie, Louie,
a couple of guys...
69
00:03:16,567 --> 00:03:18,700
a couple of guys came in here
looking for Latka.
70
00:03:18,733 --> 00:03:21,100
They said they're going to come
back and talk to you.
71
00:03:21,134 --> 00:03:22,967
What do they
want Latka for?
72
00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:25,267
They want to arrest him
as an illegal alien.
73
00:03:25,301 --> 00:03:26,800
So, why didn't you
just give him to them?
74
00:03:26,834 --> 00:03:28,267
Do I have to do everything
around here?
75
00:03:28,301 --> 00:03:29,633
What?
76
00:03:29,667 --> 00:03:30,967
Louie, we've got to help Latka.
77
00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:32,333
This is very serious.
78
00:03:32,366 --> 00:03:33,967
Serious? What's serious?
ALEX: Hey, Louie!
79
00:03:34,000 --> 00:03:35,500
You're not going to
turn him in, are you?
80
00:03:35,533 --> 00:03:37,366
Well, I ain't lying to no feds.
81
00:03:37,400 --> 00:03:38,500
I can't do it.
82
00:03:38,533 --> 00:03:40,466
I won't do it.
83
00:03:40,500 --> 00:03:42,533
You can get into too much
trouble doing that.
84
00:03:42,567 --> 00:03:44,067
Those guys scare me.
85
00:03:44,100 --> 00:03:46,400
Louie, this is Latka's life
we're talking about here.
86
00:03:46,433 --> 00:03:48,000
If we don't
help the guy,
87
00:03:48,034 --> 00:03:49,201
we may lose him.
88
00:03:49,234 --> 00:03:50,333
So?
89
00:03:50,366 --> 00:03:51,733
Oh, come on, Louie.
90
00:03:51,767 --> 00:03:53,733
I don't want to embarrass you,
91
00:03:53,767 --> 00:03:57,167
but if it's anybody you
sort of love, it's Latka.
92
00:03:57,201 --> 00:03:58,967
Hey, John,
it's not going to work.
93
00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:00,967
You're laying it on
a little thick.
94
00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:02,600
No, he's not.
95
00:04:04,567 --> 00:04:07,466
Latka's the poodle
I never had.
96
00:04:07,500 --> 00:04:09,633
Bring on those cops!
97
00:04:09,667 --> 00:04:10,834
Hey!
( cheering )
98
00:04:10,867 --> 00:04:12,366
ALEX:
Get Latka outside.
99
00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:13,867
Come on, Latka.
Under the cab.
100
00:04:13,900 --> 00:04:14,934
Pretend like...
101
00:04:14,967 --> 00:04:15,967
Hey! They're coming.
102
00:04:16,000 --> 00:04:17,000
All right, all right.
103
00:04:17,034 --> 00:04:18,500
Just be normal.
Just be normal.
104
00:04:18,533 --> 00:04:19,967
JOHN:
I don't think this is a full deck.
105
00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:22,067
BOBBY:
Doesn't make any difference. They'll never know.
106
00:04:22,100 --> 00:04:24,201
They'll never know.
Officer!
107
00:04:24,234 --> 00:04:25,301
What are you doing?
108
00:04:25,333 --> 00:04:28,500
They like
to be called officers.
109
00:04:28,533 --> 00:04:29,834
Did Mr. De Palma
come back?
110
00:04:29,867 --> 00:04:31,433
Ah, yes, sir.
Right there.
111
00:04:31,466 --> 00:04:33,366
Are you Louie De Palma?
112
00:04:33,400 --> 00:04:34,934
Yes, I am.
113
00:04:34,967 --> 00:04:37,100
We're investigators
from the Department
114
00:04:37,134 --> 00:04:39,034
of Immigration
and Naturalization.
115
00:04:39,067 --> 00:04:40,366
He's under that cab.
116
00:04:40,400 --> 00:04:41,366
Louie!
117
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You swine!
118
00:04:42,400 --> 00:04:43,533
( shouting )
119
00:04:44,867 --> 00:04:46,500
Mr. Gravas?
120
00:04:46,533 --> 00:04:48,967
Come out, please.
121
00:05:04,567 --> 00:05:06,267
WOMAN:
Taxi!
122
00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:14,466
Fifth Avenue and...
123
00:05:14,500 --> 00:05:15,967
( screaming )
124
00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:18,733
I don't know that
intersection.
125
00:05:18,767 --> 00:05:20,934
( door slams )
126
00:05:23,100 --> 00:05:24,267
Hello.
Oh, hi, Latka.
127
00:05:24,301 --> 00:05:25,934
We've been looking
all over town for you.
128
00:05:25,967 --> 00:05:28,400
Have you been back there
the whole time?
129
00:05:28,433 --> 00:05:30,000
( speaking native language )
130
00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:32,633
Latka, now listen to me good,
131
00:05:32,667 --> 00:05:34,267
because I've been thinking
about this.
132
00:05:34,301 --> 00:05:36,466
I think you're just making
things worse by running.
133
00:05:36,500 --> 00:05:38,167
( speaking native language )
134
00:05:38,201 --> 00:05:39,500
Who told you that?
135
00:05:39,533 --> 00:05:40,967
( speakingnative language )
136
00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:42,800
No, I think it's
best that you turn yourself in.
137
00:05:42,834 --> 00:05:43,967
( speakingnative language )
138
00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:45,733
Well, we'll try to
find a good lawyer
139
00:05:45,767 --> 00:05:46,834
for you that can help.
140
00:05:46,867 --> 00:05:48,301
( speakingnative language )
141
00:05:48,333 --> 00:05:50,000
I know, I wish there
was some other way,
142
00:05:50,034 --> 00:05:51,134
but I can't
think of any.
143
00:05:51,167 --> 00:05:52,267
Well, Latka need...
144
00:05:53,600 --> 00:05:55,433
"Woman."
145
00:05:55,466 --> 00:05:57,134
Yeah, sure, that'll take
your mind off
146
00:05:57,167 --> 00:05:58,800
your troubles
for a while, but, uh...
147
00:05:58,834 --> 00:06:01,633
No, no.
Latka need woman to...
148
00:06:01,667 --> 00:06:03,034
eh...
149
00:06:03,067 --> 00:06:04,934
to... "marry."
150
00:06:04,967 --> 00:06:07,234
To marry.
151
00:06:07,267 --> 00:06:08,600
Oh, I see.
152
00:06:08,633 --> 00:06:10,834
Yeah, if you marry
an American woman
153
00:06:10,867 --> 00:06:12,267
they won't deport you.
154
00:06:12,301 --> 00:06:15,333
You take tongue
right out of my mouth.
155
00:06:15,366 --> 00:06:19,301
So, all we have to do
is find a woman, right?
156
00:06:19,333 --> 00:06:20,633
Got any ideas?
157
00:06:20,667 --> 00:06:22,167
Phyllis George.
158
00:06:25,767 --> 00:06:27,900
Right. Phyllis George.
159
00:06:44,201 --> 00:06:46,301
Good morning, everybody.
160
00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:51,767
Hey, it's my pal, Latka!
161
00:06:51,800 --> 00:06:53,900
Hey, I knew you'd
get away, buddy!
162
00:06:53,934 --> 00:06:57,433
That's why I was buying you time
when the feds came in.
163
00:06:57,466 --> 00:06:59,567
We really put one
over on them,
164
00:06:59,600 --> 00:07:02,167
didn't we, pal?
165
00:07:02,201 --> 00:07:03,967
Hey, Latka...
166
00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:07,067
when's the last time
I gave you money?
167
00:07:07,100 --> 00:07:08,733
A long time, huh?
168
00:07:08,767 --> 00:07:10,400
How about if I...
169
00:07:10,433 --> 00:07:12,500
if I give you a buck, huh?
170
00:07:12,533 --> 00:07:14,834
You like that?
171
00:07:14,867 --> 00:07:17,967
You want to play hard ball, huh?
172
00:07:18,000 --> 00:07:20,600
Well, how about two bucks?
173
00:07:20,633 --> 00:07:22,600
How did you like that?
174
00:07:22,633 --> 00:07:24,034
Money talks, boys...
175
00:07:24,067 --> 00:07:25,167
( yells )
176
00:07:25,201 --> 00:07:27,700
What, are you crazy?
177
00:07:27,733 --> 00:07:28,934
Kind of wonderful, isn't it?
178
00:07:28,967 --> 00:07:30,733
It never occurred to him
to just drop it.
179
00:07:32,600 --> 00:07:33,900
Hi, guys.
180
00:07:33,934 --> 00:07:35,633
Hi, Elaine.
Hey, Elaine.
181
00:07:35,667 --> 00:07:37,234
How you doing?
How you doing?
182
00:07:37,267 --> 00:07:39,267
Elaine?
183
00:07:40,234 --> 00:07:41,700
Elaine?
184
00:07:44,533 --> 00:07:46,000
Elaine?
185
00:07:46,034 --> 00:07:47,201
Yeah?
186
00:07:56,034 --> 00:07:57,800
Oh, Elaine...
187
00:07:59,167 --> 00:08:01,201
Oh, Elaine...
188
00:08:01,234 --> 00:08:04,234
( speaking native language )
189
00:08:16,333 --> 00:08:18,201
Oh...
190
00:08:18,234 --> 00:08:21,466
That's the sweetest thing
anybody ever said to me.
191
00:08:21,500 --> 00:08:22,800
I think.
192
00:08:22,834 --> 00:08:25,767
Hey, you want to tell me
what's going on here?
193
00:08:25,800 --> 00:08:26,934
Well, Elaine...
194
00:08:26,967 --> 00:08:29,234
you were just proposed to.
195
00:08:29,267 --> 00:08:30,667
Aw...
196
00:08:30,700 --> 00:08:33,067
No, really. They won't send
Latka out of the country
197
00:08:33,100 --> 00:08:34,667
if he marries
an American citizen.
198
00:08:34,700 --> 00:08:36,333
Yeah, Elaine, what do you think?
199
00:08:36,366 --> 00:08:38,500
Are you guys serious? Ooh!
200
00:08:38,533 --> 00:08:40,466
Hey, come on, we know how you
feel, but look at it this way--
201
00:08:40,500 --> 00:08:43,167
it wouldn't have to be
like a real marriage.
202
00:08:43,201 --> 00:08:44,333
Just a paper marriage.
203
00:08:44,366 --> 00:08:45,700
Right.
204
00:08:45,733 --> 00:08:47,433
You could get
divorced soon after. Right.
205
00:08:47,466 --> 00:08:49,366
I mean, you don't have
to sleep with him
206
00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:51,234
or anything
like that. Who asked you?
207
00:08:54,400 --> 00:08:56,834
Latka, believe me, I am
very, very flattered,
208
00:08:56,867 --> 00:08:58,767
but I'm sorry.
209
00:08:58,800 --> 00:08:59,834
I can't marry you.
210
00:08:59,867 --> 00:09:01,167
Please?
211
00:09:01,201 --> 00:09:02,366
I'm sorry.
212
00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:03,633
Please, please?
213
00:09:03,667 --> 00:09:04,834
N-o.
214
00:09:04,867 --> 00:09:07,333
Oh, boy,
we will be so happy.
215
00:09:07,366 --> 00:09:09,301
No. N-o spells "no."
216
00:09:09,333 --> 00:09:10,967
Aw, shup.
217
00:09:12,967 --> 00:09:14,201
Hey, everybody!
218
00:09:14,234 --> 00:09:16,733
I'd like you to meet
a new friend of mine,
219
00:09:16,767 --> 00:09:17,834
Vivian Harrow.
220
00:09:17,867 --> 00:09:18,900
( murmuring )
221
00:09:18,934 --> 00:09:20,466
Vivian has agreed
to marry Latka.
222
00:09:20,500 --> 00:09:21,533
JOHN:
Hey, that's great!
223
00:09:21,567 --> 00:09:22,533
This one...
224
00:09:22,567 --> 00:09:23,533
I found her...
225
00:09:23,567 --> 00:09:24,667
Alex!
What?
226
00:09:24,700 --> 00:09:27,533
You can't let Latka
just marry this hooker.
227
00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:29,867
She's not a hooker.
She's a call girl.
228
00:09:29,900 --> 00:09:32,700
Look, I don't like it,
either, but it might be our only hope.
229
00:09:32,733 --> 00:09:34,034
Look, it's temporary.
230
00:09:34,067 --> 00:09:36,234
What day is good
for you, Vivian?
231
00:09:36,267 --> 00:09:39,034
Well, I got part
of Thursday afternoon open.
232
00:09:39,067 --> 00:09:40,533
Okay, Thursday it is.
Thursday.
233
00:09:40,567 --> 00:09:41,533
Okay, Thursday.
234
00:09:41,567 --> 00:09:42,567
Okay, but remember.
235
00:09:42,600 --> 00:09:44,201
You said 15 minutes, I'm gone
236
00:09:44,234 --> 00:09:46,600
I never have to see
the guy again
237
00:09:46,633 --> 00:09:48,034
and no strings attached.
238
00:09:48,067 --> 00:09:50,567
Right. No strings.
Come here. Latka?
239
00:09:50,600 --> 00:09:52,067
I want you to meet Vivian.
240
00:09:52,100 --> 00:09:54,100
She's agreed
to be your bride.
241
00:09:55,567 --> 00:09:57,567
How do you do?
242
00:09:57,600 --> 00:09:59,733
I love you.
243
00:10:20,333 --> 00:10:23,034
Latka, talk to me.
244
00:10:23,067 --> 00:10:25,067
Latka?
245
00:10:28,267 --> 00:10:30,867
Latka, I'll make
you talk to me.
246
00:10:30,900 --> 00:10:34,034
I'll keep saying your name
until you talk to me.
247
00:10:34,067 --> 00:10:36,867
Latka, Latka...
Latka! Latka! Latka!
248
00:10:36,900 --> 00:10:38,067
Latka! Latka!
Latka! Latka...
249
00:10:38,100 --> 00:10:39,600
Louie! Louie! Louie,
Louie! Louie...
250
00:10:39,633 --> 00:10:40,900
Latka, Latka...
Louie, Louie!
251
00:10:42,301 --> 00:10:44,267
Louie, pull
yourself together.
252
00:10:44,301 --> 00:10:47,000
I don't understand
why he won't forgive me.
253
00:10:47,034 --> 00:10:49,301
All I did was turn him in.
254
00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:55,633
Hey, Latka,
the big day, huh?
255
00:10:55,667 --> 00:10:57,134
Hey, John, you're
a married man.
256
00:10:57,167 --> 00:10:58,500
Why don't you give
Latka some tips?
257
00:10:58,533 --> 00:10:59,500
Yeah, yeah...
258
00:10:59,533 --> 00:11:01,500
Well, uh... Latka,
259
00:11:01,533 --> 00:11:04,934
I think the most important
thing in any marriage is communication.
260
00:11:04,967 --> 00:11:07,167
( speakingnative language )
261
00:11:09,167 --> 00:11:11,433
But it's not
absolutely necessary.
262
00:11:11,466 --> 00:11:12,834
( chuckles )
263
00:11:12,867 --> 00:11:15,100
Hey, this is going to
be a weird wedding.
264
00:11:15,134 --> 00:11:17,667
The line to kiss the bride
could take a while.
265
00:11:17,700 --> 00:11:20,834
I hear they asked the vice squad
to give the bride away.
266
00:11:20,867 --> 00:11:22,633
Would you guys
just cut it out?
267
00:11:22,667 --> 00:11:24,500
I mean just
kindly cut it out.
268
00:11:24,533 --> 00:11:26,867
I mean, we could try
269
00:11:26,900 --> 00:11:29,134
to treat this like
a wedding, couldn't we?
270
00:11:29,167 --> 00:11:31,934
You know, instead
of all these locker room jokes,
271
00:11:31,967 --> 00:11:34,466
I think we should consider
Latka's feelings.
272
00:11:34,500 --> 00:11:35,867
It's not a joke to him.
273
00:11:35,900 --> 00:11:37,800
I love her.
274
00:11:37,834 --> 00:11:40,366
ELAINE:
See?
275
00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:42,034
So I don't know
about the rest of you,
276
00:11:42,067 --> 00:11:44,433
but believe me, I'm going
to try to do the most I can
277
00:11:44,466 --> 00:11:46,834
to make this the best wedding
two kids have ever had.
278
00:11:46,867 --> 00:11:48,834
She's real interesting,
this one.
279
00:11:51,867 --> 00:11:53,667
Hi, Latka.
280
00:11:53,700 --> 00:11:55,333
Hello, Vivian.
281
00:12:00,733 --> 00:12:02,533
Vivian!
282
00:12:02,567 --> 00:12:04,967
Um, how about dressing
up for the wedding?
283
00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:06,366
What do you think?
I plan to.
284
00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:08,034
Oh, you're going to
wear a white dress?
285
00:12:08,067 --> 00:12:09,500
A white halter.
286
00:12:09,533 --> 00:12:12,834
How about wearing
my wedding gown?
287
00:12:12,867 --> 00:12:14,366
Oh, sure, honey.
288
00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:18,533
I've dressed up as everything
from Pocahontas to Darth Vader.
289
00:12:18,567 --> 00:12:20,567
You want me in a bridal gown?
290
00:12:20,600 --> 00:12:21,567
You got it.
291
00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:22,900
Okay, great.
292
00:12:22,934 --> 00:12:25,234
Now all we need
is a minister.
293
00:12:25,267 --> 00:12:26,366
Hey, there's a minister
294
00:12:26,400 --> 00:12:28,000
that hangs around
down at Mario's.
295
00:12:28,034 --> 00:12:31,167
I'll go and see if he'll perform
the ceremony for us, all right?
296
00:12:31,201 --> 00:12:32,301
ELAINE:
Hey, Bobby, thanks.
297
00:12:32,333 --> 00:12:33,333
ALEX:
Good, Bobby, good.
298
00:12:33,366 --> 00:12:34,366
We could get flowers...
299
00:12:34,400 --> 00:12:35,900
Oh! Excuse me,
Immigration Officer.
300
00:12:35,934 --> 00:12:37,366
I'm trying to get
out of your way,
301
00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:38,366
Immigration Officers.
302
00:12:38,400 --> 00:12:39,934
Hey, Bobby. Bobby.
That's all right.
303
00:12:39,967 --> 00:12:41,067
You don't have
to do that.
304
00:12:41,100 --> 00:12:42,533
No?
Latka's going to be okay now.
305
00:12:42,567 --> 00:12:44,466
Latka here is marrying
an American citizen.
306
00:12:44,500 --> 00:12:47,134
It's not okay if he's only doing
it to stay in this country.
307
00:12:47,167 --> 00:12:48,500
It's got to be
a real marriage.
308
00:12:48,533 --> 00:12:50,067
Oh, of course,
it's a real marriage
309
00:12:50,100 --> 00:12:52,433
I'm afraid we'll have
to check that out.
310
00:12:52,466 --> 00:12:54,633
Mr. Gravas, we're going to have
to question you.
311
00:12:54,667 --> 00:12:56,834
How long ago did you meet
312
00:12:56,867 --> 00:12:58,834
this woman
you're going to marry?
313
00:13:01,900 --> 00:13:03,900
"How...
314
00:13:03,934 --> 00:13:06,100
"How...
315
00:13:06,134 --> 00:13:07,466
How..."
316
00:13:07,500 --> 00:13:09,466
Can anybody else
answer for him? How..."
317
00:13:09,500 --> 00:13:11,234
I'm up for retirement
in two years.
318
00:13:11,267 --> 00:13:13,301
Yeah, I can.
319
00:13:13,333 --> 00:13:14,433
No, let me.
320
00:13:14,466 --> 00:13:15,301
No, I will.
321
00:13:15,333 --> 00:13:16,633
No, I want to do it.
"How..."
322
00:13:16,667 --> 00:13:18,767
Louie, I think
it's best that I do. No. Mr. Richards?
323
00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:20,067
All right, Mr. De Palma
324
00:13:20,100 --> 00:13:21,400
Let's have it straight.
325
00:13:21,433 --> 00:13:24,134
If you're lying to me,
you're committing a crime.
326
00:13:24,167 --> 00:13:25,900
Is this a legitimate marriage?
327
00:13:33,100 --> 00:13:35,767
Of course it's legitimate.
328
00:13:35,800 --> 00:13:38,067
It's love, I tell you.
329
00:13:38,100 --> 00:13:40,433
Latka's in love
with this girl,
330
00:13:40,466 --> 00:13:42,934
and nothing can
change his mind.
331
00:13:42,967 --> 00:13:45,167
Nobody could talk
to the guy.
332
00:13:45,201 --> 00:13:46,834
I tried to talk him out of it.
333
00:13:46,867 --> 00:13:50,967
I said, "Latka, she's from
the other side of the tracks.
334
00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:53,500
"She's classy,
and you're just a grease monkey.
335
00:13:53,533 --> 00:13:54,834
It'll never work out."
336
00:13:54,867 --> 00:13:56,967
But he doesn't care,
337
00:13:57,000 --> 00:13:59,466
because it's love.
338
00:14:01,234 --> 00:14:03,167
Her family is
totally against it.
339
00:14:03,201 --> 00:14:04,967
They threatened
to disown her.
340
00:14:05,000 --> 00:14:09,333
In fact, they even went so far
as to offer Latka $1,000
341
00:14:09,366 --> 00:14:13,767
to leave their daughter alone,
but he wouldn't take it.
342
00:14:15,800 --> 00:14:18,800
And if that isn't love,
343
00:14:18,834 --> 00:14:21,500
then I don't know
what is, Officer.
344
00:14:23,567 --> 00:14:25,567
Thanks for your
time, gentlemen.
345
00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:27,301
Not at all.
346
00:14:27,333 --> 00:14:29,267
Whoa!
347
00:14:29,301 --> 00:14:32,767
( shouting )
348
00:14:32,800 --> 00:14:35,600
I want none of that stuff!
349
00:14:35,633 --> 00:14:37,267
Oh, good...
No!
350
00:14:37,301 --> 00:14:39,301
Drivers touching me?
351
00:14:41,533 --> 00:14:44,500
I don't want
nobody touching me,
352
00:14:44,533 --> 00:14:45,934
except...
353
00:14:45,967 --> 00:14:48,000
him.
354
00:14:48,034 --> 00:14:50,067
Aw...
355
00:14:55,567 --> 00:14:56,934
Hey, Louie,
356
00:14:56,967 --> 00:14:59,134
that was a very nice story
you made up.
357
00:14:59,167 --> 00:15:00,400
You know that?
358
00:15:00,433 --> 00:15:01,600
You mean about the family
359
00:15:01,633 --> 00:15:03,301
offering money
to give up the girl?
360
00:15:03,333 --> 00:15:04,034
Yes.
361
00:15:04,067 --> 00:15:05,767
I didn't make that up.
362
00:15:05,800 --> 00:15:08,567
That happened to me
five years ago.
363
00:15:08,600 --> 00:15:10,366
Really?
That surprises me, Louie.
364
00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:12,466
Except I changed two things.
365
00:15:12,500 --> 00:15:16,667
The parents only offered me
a lousy 50 bucks.
366
00:15:16,700 --> 00:15:17,700
What was the other thing?
367
00:15:17,733 --> 00:15:19,900
I took it.
368
00:15:19,934 --> 00:15:22,867
( murmuring )
369
00:15:33,700 --> 00:15:35,000
ALEX:
Okay, everybody
370
00:15:35,034 --> 00:15:36,667
let's take
our seats now.
371
00:15:36,700 --> 00:15:39,000
Come on, just find
a seat anywhere.
372
00:15:39,034 --> 00:15:40,400
Look, the bride's people
on one side,
373
00:15:40,433 --> 00:15:41,633
the groom's people
on the other.
374
00:15:41,667 --> 00:15:43,400
I know, it makes no difference.
Just sit down.
375
00:15:43,433 --> 00:15:45,267
Okay, and stay there.
I think I'm going to go...
376
00:15:45,301 --> 00:15:46,834
I'm going to
go check on the bride, okay?
377
00:15:46,867 --> 00:15:48,034
Good, good.
378
00:15:48,067 --> 00:15:49,500
Latka, you ready?
All right, Latka? Listen.
379
00:15:49,533 --> 00:15:51,600
You're each going to come down
from over there, all right?
380
00:15:56,067 --> 00:15:58,201
Hey, everybody.
381
00:15:58,234 --> 00:16:00,201
This is Reverend Jim, uh...
382
00:16:00,234 --> 00:16:01,900
Jim...?
383
00:16:07,333 --> 00:16:08,800
That's it.
384
00:16:08,834 --> 00:16:11,466
Just, uh...
Reverend Jim.
385
00:16:11,500 --> 00:16:14,267
Uh, uh, well, um...
386
00:16:14,301 --> 00:16:16,667
He's going to perform
the ceremony for us.
387
00:16:16,700 --> 00:16:20,134
Reverend Jim,
I'm Cabby Alex.
388
00:16:22,167 --> 00:16:23,466
Listen, I don't want
to be impolite
389
00:16:23,500 --> 00:16:24,800
but you are
a minister, aren't you?
390
00:16:24,834 --> 00:16:26,301
Certainly.
391
00:16:26,333 --> 00:16:29,867
I was ordained in '68--
Church of the Peaceful.
392
00:16:29,900 --> 00:16:33,767
The church was investigated
and cleared completely.
393
00:16:33,800 --> 00:16:36,000
Cleared of what?
394
00:16:36,034 --> 00:16:38,466
Why go into it?
395
00:16:40,466 --> 00:16:42,800
It doesn't even exist anymore.
396
00:16:42,834 --> 00:16:47,834
But I assure you, I'm a minister
recognized by the state.
397
00:16:49,134 --> 00:16:52,466
Now, does anybody have a drink
around here?
398
00:16:55,767 --> 00:16:56,900
Reverend Jim...
399
00:16:56,934 --> 00:16:58,400
Reverend Jim, look
400
00:16:58,433 --> 00:17:02,433
we'd like the ceremony to be
just as brief as possible, okay?
401
00:17:02,466 --> 00:17:03,767
I'll do my best,
402
00:17:03,800 --> 00:17:06,167
but I'm kind of out of practice
at weddings.
403
00:17:06,201 --> 00:17:07,800
How long has it been
since you done one?
404
00:17:07,834 --> 00:17:10,800
Always. This is my first.
405
00:17:10,834 --> 00:17:13,800
Well, we'll try
to be gentle.
406
00:17:13,834 --> 00:17:16,000
Thank you.
407
00:17:16,034 --> 00:17:17,900
Okay, she's ready.
408
00:17:17,934 --> 00:17:19,767
Oh, good.
Latka, you ready?
409
00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:22,301
You know, it's too bad
we don't have any music.
410
00:17:22,333 --> 00:17:23,567
Well, we could always...
411
00:17:23,600 --> 00:17:26,234
( tuneless plucking )
412
00:17:26,267 --> 00:17:27,700
( groaning )
413
00:17:27,733 --> 00:17:29,034
BOBBY:
Hey, Louie...
414
00:17:29,067 --> 00:17:30,201
Hey, you know...
415
00:17:30,234 --> 00:17:32,366
Don't give me no guff.
416
00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:33,934
Geez!
417
00:17:33,967 --> 00:17:37,633
My mother paid good money
for these lessons,
418
00:17:37,667 --> 00:17:42,834
and I thought Latka should have
some music for his nuptials.
419
00:17:48,567 --> 00:17:51,567
( playing "Because" )
420
00:17:59,733 --> 00:18:01,567
( murmuring )
421
00:18:02,733 --> 00:18:04,034
Wow!
422
00:18:04,067 --> 00:18:06,034
Oh, she's beautiful.
423
00:18:06,067 --> 00:18:08,633
Thank you.
424
00:18:41,834 --> 00:18:43,834
( playing off-key )
425
00:18:45,433 --> 00:18:46,934
Louie.
426
00:19:03,201 --> 00:19:05,433
You are very pretty.
427
00:19:05,466 --> 00:19:07,466
Thank you, Latka.
428
00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:10,767
Um...
429
00:19:10,800 --> 00:19:13,934
we're gathered here today
430
00:19:13,967 --> 00:19:17,834
to join these two
people in marriage.
431
00:19:19,733 --> 00:19:23,000
The question often asked
in our time is: Why marriage?
432
00:19:25,967 --> 00:19:29,934
The answer is hard to see,
433
00:19:29,967 --> 00:19:35,333
but as obvious
as a heartbeat to feel.
434
00:19:35,366 --> 00:19:40,333
We marry to have
a friend, a lover.
435
00:19:40,366 --> 00:19:42,900
We marry to deny
436
00:19:42,934 --> 00:19:48,600
solitude's cold hands on us.
437
00:19:48,633 --> 00:19:54,100
We marry because
after all the other, uh...
438
00:19:54,134 --> 00:19:57,100
alternatives
have been explored,
439
00:19:57,134 --> 00:20:02,100
we still want to
and need to and must.
440
00:20:02,134 --> 00:20:05,466
I bet you all thought
I was going to screw up,
441
00:20:05,500 --> 00:20:06,834
didn't you?
442
00:20:17,034 --> 00:20:20,034
Does the couple have
anything to say?
443
00:20:21,900 --> 00:20:23,800
Oh, yeah, um...
444
00:20:23,834 --> 00:20:24,800
Latka wanted me
445
00:20:24,834 --> 00:20:26,301
to read you
something.
446
00:20:26,333 --> 00:20:28,466
He stayed up all night
going through his dictionary
447
00:20:28,500 --> 00:20:30,567
trying to translate what
he wanted to say to you.
448
00:20:30,600 --> 00:20:31,834
So, here it is.
449
00:20:34,333 --> 00:20:38,500
"Even though we just recently
have been formally introduced,
450
00:20:38,533 --> 00:20:40,301
"somehow my mind tells me
451
00:20:40,333 --> 00:20:43,000
that you will always be
a tart to me."
452
00:20:43,034 --> 00:20:45,034
"A part of me."
453
00:20:55,600 --> 00:20:57,267
"A part of me."
454
00:20:58,767 --> 00:21:03,234
"And I know, even though
we not speak same language
455
00:21:03,267 --> 00:21:07,201
we have the same language
of the heart."
456
00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:20,500
Latka...
457
00:21:23,400 --> 00:21:28,934
Do you take this woman
to be your lawfully wedded wife?
458
00:21:31,834 --> 00:21:34,167
( speakingin native language )
459
00:21:38,400 --> 00:21:39,900
He does...
460
00:21:39,934 --> 00:21:41,067
he does.
461
00:21:47,400 --> 00:21:50,366
And do you, Vivian,
take this man
462
00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:52,733
to be your lawfully
wedded husband?
463
00:21:52,767 --> 00:21:55,433
( repeatingLatka's response )
464
00:22:00,700 --> 00:22:03,267
Um... yep.
465
00:22:03,301 --> 00:22:06,234
This is heavy.
466
00:22:07,533 --> 00:22:10,834
If no man here
has any reason
467
00:22:10,867 --> 00:22:14,134
why these two
should not be married
468
00:22:14,167 --> 00:22:20,633
by the power invested in me,
I do pronounce you man and wife.
469
00:22:20,667 --> 00:22:22,633
You may kiss the bride.
470
00:22:22,667 --> 00:22:24,667
Thank you very much.
471
00:22:39,100 --> 00:22:42,100
( whistling )
472
00:22:51,633 --> 00:22:53,600
We will love forever.
473
00:22:53,633 --> 00:22:54,834
You bet, honey.
474
00:22:54,867 --> 00:22:56,667
Um, look,
I got to go.
475
00:22:56,700 --> 00:22:58,934
Um...
476
00:22:58,967 --> 00:23:02,034
I got an appointment
over at the Hilton I'm late for.
477
00:23:03,201 --> 00:23:04,201
It was fun, huh?
478
00:23:06,000 --> 00:23:07,800
ALEX:
Yeah.
479
00:23:07,834 --> 00:23:09,700
Thanks, guys.
480
00:23:11,100 --> 00:23:12,834
Ah, you...
481
00:23:12,867 --> 00:23:14,533
Hey, Latka...
482
00:23:16,067 --> 00:23:18,800
Latka, don't take it
so bad, huh?
483
00:23:18,834 --> 00:23:20,267
JOHN:
Yeah, don't worry, Latka.
484
00:23:20,301 --> 00:23:22,733
There'll be somebody else.
You'll see.
485
00:23:22,767 --> 00:23:24,333
I said we shouldn't
have done this.
486
00:23:24,366 --> 00:23:25,934
Wait. Latka wants
to say something.
487
00:23:25,967 --> 00:23:27,000
What is it, Latka?
488
00:23:27,034 --> 00:23:29,034
No honeymoon?
489
00:23:31,700 --> 00:23:33,134
No honeymoon.
490
00:23:35,267 --> 00:23:39,000
Boy, America's a tough town.
491
00:23:39,050 --> 00:23:43,600
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