Original subtitles

I've been meaning to ask your advice on something.

Well, hit me, buddy.

I've been thinking about getting myself a guitar.

Do you have a favorite guitar?

[Graham] 1959 Gibson Explorer.

That's my baby right there.

How much?

I'd say at least 250.

$250?

$250,000.

Ooh!

Now, that is a lot.

And when did you take this?

-The photo? -Yeah.

Just last week.

So... how come you filed an insurance

claim two months ago saying it was stolen?

What is this, Frisco?

His name is not Frisco.

It's Axel.

And his name is not Ricardo the Magician.

It's Ingmar.

And you have just been busted for insurance fraud.

You just pretended to be my friend for two months

just so I'd show you that photo?

That's right.

What about Paintball Thursday?

Not going to be any more of those.

And when I broke up with Melissa, you just gave me

a hug and said, "Bros before hoes."

Yeah, I...

I don't believe that.

And what about those nights we just looked up at the stars

talking about the future, man?

We're not going to open up a microbrewery, Graham.

Who the are you guys?

We're dicks.

Swedish dicks.

So then I realized what the confusion was about.

Yeah? What?

Because I'd written in my profile

that I was a big Chris Rock fan.

-Sure. -That's what I thought I wrote.

But I had autocorrect on.

So actually what I'd written was,

"I'm a big Christian rock fan."

-Oh. -And, by the time

we cleared up the confusion,

the concert was almost over.

Did you crack the clam, at least?

I'm sorry, what?

Did you open the oyster?

Uh, no, she wanted to wait till marriage.

Hey, Dad. [Ingmar] Hi.

[door closes]

So, uh, do you know what this is about?

He wants to talk to you about something.

Uh, well, Axel...

you saved my life.

You killed Tex,

and I know it's been very hard

for you to cope with that.

But, um...

I think what my dad is trying

to say is he's really happy

to be working with you.

That's right.

Ingmar, you don't know what this means to me.

Oh, he's not done yet.

-Oh, sorry. -Yeah, these last couple months,

we've been doing some great money.

And it's not entirely because of me.

I want us to become partners.

Real partners.

Fifty-fifty partners.

Which means you're going to get half of the profits.

I thought I already got half.

I don't... uh, no?

[Ingmar] And I want us to go legit.

[Axel] "Applying for your PI license."

I want us to take the Dicks to a whole new level.

Oh, now he's done.

Ingmar, you don't know what this means to me.

Do you know how many nights I've dreamt

of you opening up to me, to connect with me as a human--

I take it back.

-No, no, you can't take it back. -I take it back.

No, it's too late. I'm already happy.

[cell phone rings]

Swedish Dicks.

Mm-hmm.

Can you meet us at the office

tomorrow morning?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Did you say you were street performers?

Yes.

Or sidewalk entertainers, if you will.

You are the guys on Hollywood Boulevard

dressing up like superheroes for tips?

There is a little bit more to it than that.

-We're actors, man. -Of course. Sorry.

-Ingmar didn't mean to... -[Elvis] Don't worry.

It's just sometimes people don't understand what we do.

So now that we cleared that up,

what brings you to the Swedish Dicks?

[sighs]

We have a thief amongst us.

A thief?

We suspect that one of the street performers

uses the gig to get close to tourists.

Then he steals wallets, purses,

anything he can get his dirty hands on.

Business owners have started to call the cops on us.

And there have been beatings.

Beatings?

Vigilante tourists out for blood.

So if we catch this guy, you'll have some peace and quiet?

[Elvis] The cops can't find him.

You guys are our only hope.

Our only hope.

I think it's kind of beautiful what these guys do.

Those guys?

-Yeah. -Come on.

Well, they come to California with dreams of becoming actors.

And then years pass, decades.

But they don't give up on their dream.

Someone should tell them if it hasn't happened yet,

it's probably because they suck at acting.

That's a little harsh.

The truth is harsh, Axel.

They should do porn.

-What? -[Sun] Marilyn Monroe, Bette Davis.

"Oh, who's at the door?"

"Superman and Shrek."

Bow-chicka-bow-bow, chicka-bow-bow.

[Sun laughs]

He took my wallet. I just turned around, and it was gone.

And then I turned to Marmie to tell her, and she was like...

"Fred, my purse is gone."

I literally said it just like that.

And you didn't see anything else?

His clothes, nothing?

I just felt something weird in my pants,

and then it was over.

Well, I know that feeling.

I was taking the photo of, uh, my beautiful femme Bernadette.

She was, uh, eating a Popsicle, looking very cute.

-What? -So then I put--

I put down ma cam�ra.

-What? -Saw him

from the corner of mon eye.

The corner of you what?

He saw the thief! You not speak English?

Oh, did you see what he looked like?

Oui. He looked like that.

[Ingmar] Zorro.

[man] Oui, Zorro!

You know what "zorro" means?

-No. -"Fox."

Yeah?

Hey, did you see that Antonio Banderas movie?

I mean, it's not my favorite Banderas movie, to be honest.

But is it in my top five? Well, uh, let's see.

It's definitely better than Spy Kids.

[Sun on radio] Angry Bird to Viking One.

I got eyes on Zorro.

Viking One to Angry Bird. What's your 20?

Going west on Hollywood Boulevard,

approaching your position.

Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

You stay off Hollywood Boulevard,

or there will be consequences, you punk!

We know what you've been up to.

I don't know what you're talking about.

You have been committing petty theft on several occasions.

Wait, you think I'm the pickpocket?

Yeah, that's right, homeboy.

I just had open carpal tunnel surgery.

-How am I going to be the pickpocket, man? -Sorry.

We had information that it was Zorro who was doing it, so that's...

Well, looks like you guys got your work cut out for you.

Ever since that new movie came out...

-[Axel] Oh. -[Ingmar] Yeah.

We have some bad news, and we have some good news.

The good news is that we know who's been doing it.

-It's Zorro. -[Ingmar] Yeah, but the bad news is,

there's a lot of Zorros out there

because of this new movie.

The good news is that they seem to have found a way

to give Zorro a bit more psychological depth.

That's impressive.

But the good news? We do have a plan to catch this guy.

But the good news is that due to these new circumstances,

it's going to cost you a bit more.

You guys have a strange way of talking.

Hmm.

[beeping]

[woman] Next?

[Axel] Hello, we're a couple of Swedish dicks.

-Detectives. -And we would like to apply

for our PI license.

So just fill these forms out and return them when you're ready.

And if everything checks out, you'll get your license

in the mail in about two weeks.

That's all?

I should have done this years ago.

[Jane] Ingmar and Axel.

[Ingmar] Jane.

How lovely to see you both.

You're in a good mood, for a change.

You see, I just closed a tough case involving corporate espionage.

And I'm about to celebrate with some good friends

from the Hollywood in-crowd.

Hi.

What are you two doing here?

Well, I'm--

You're getting your license.

It's just wonderful that they've relaxed the rules a bit.

It used to be that only good detectives were admitted.

Yeah, right.

And I suppose you're here for moral support?

No. Actually, I'm...

Oh, my God.

[laughs]

You want to be a detective, too?

I am a detective.

"I am a detective."

Aw, yes, you are. Yes, you are.

You're a great big dick.

[laughs]

No, I don't want to do some super-easy undercover work.

I don't understand why you two can't do this on your own.

Because our covers are blown.

And I think it's time for you to start learning these things.

What things?

You're not going to be a lawyer

your entire life, are you?

Dad, I am not going to be a PI.

Look, what Ingmar's trying

to say is that it'll be fast.

Listen, we want this guy to steal your phone.

But it's not going to be your phone.

It's going to be my phone. Do you know why?

So you can track it?

-So we can track it. -Fine.

-Yeah. -But I have a thing at 7:00.

We'll be done in an hour.

Ally McBeal to Viking One.

[Ingmar] Viking One to Ally.

Dad, I've already been here for two hours.

I've really got to go.

Okay, Sarah, you got another Zorro

on your five o'clock.

Try to get closer.

He left.

Just skip him, move to the next.

Hello, girl.

What is your name?

What?

What's up, What?

Want to hang out later?

What? No. F*ck off.

[Ingmar] Sarah, don't listen to him.

Okay, look, sorry, guys. Looks like he's not gonna show. I've really got to go.

Well, can you just give us 15 more minutes, hon?

Dad, I have to go. It's a date.

What's his name?

You know what? That's it. I'm leaving.

And by the way, Axel, it's Brad.

Brad?

What does he do?

He's a lawyer.

[Ingmar] Never trust a lawyer, Sarah.

They only got one thing on their mind.

Dad, I'm a lawyer.

Yeah, but you're one of the good ones, obviously.

Well, so is Brad, Dad.

-"Brad Dad." -What?

-"Brad Dad." -You need to read up a little

on the overprotective Dad trope

and how it relates to toxic masculinity.

Wait! He's here!

-Who, Brad? -Zorro!

Okay, so, what do you want me to do?

Just wait for it.

-He got it! -Zorro's got the bag.

I repeat, Zorro's got the bag.

-[car tires screech] -[Ingmar] Okay, go time.

-[tracking device pinging] -[Ingmar] You got him?

Yep, got him.

I think he's turning left.

Left?

Go left. Left.

-[pinging intensifies] -Wait, wait, wait, wait.

-[Ingmar] For what? -[Axel] Wait, he's slowing down.

-Slowing down? -Yeah.

-How do you mean? -I think he's in there.

-[Ingmar] He's in there? -[Axel] In there, yeah.

-What? -The dot! The dot went away.

Let's get out.

[Axel] Hey we're looking for a man dressed as Zorro.

-[loud chattering] -[knife chopping]

[woman] Hey!

[Axel] Sneaky like a fox.

So we follow him from Hollywood down to Hancock Park.

But then he makes a U-turn

and goes straight to this restaurant downtown,

-where he disappears. -Yeah, and--

-did he drop something off? -Ingmar...

Shh, can you please? I'm thinking.

-Move! -Hey!

Can you stop it?

Hollywood, Silver Lake,

Hancock Park, downtown, huh?

Oh! Oh, that's clever.

-Wow. -He's just been playing with us.

Call him. He has your phone, right?

Why would I call him?

I know this type of guy.

He likes to ride on you.

-Like a horse? -No, smaller, like a dog.

He wants you to know he's smarter than you.

[cell phone vibrates]

[Zorro on phone] Yeah?

Yeah, hello. Um...

this is, uh, the person whose phone you stole.

Oh, hello, Ingmar.

You know my name?

I know everything about you, you Swedish dickhead.

I got your mo-- cell phone, remember?

You should really use a pin code.

Well, I would like that phone back, please.

-One thousand. -One thou-- not a ch--

Just agree to whatever he want.

If we can get a meeting with him, we can set a trap.

-[button clicks] -Yeah, that's fine.

Two thousand.

Yeah, that's fine.

Say, "Please, Zorro,

can I buy my own phone back like a dickhead?"

Please, Zorro, can I buy my own phone back?

"Like a dickhead."

Like a dickhead?

No, say it like a dickhead.

Well, Zorro, can I buy my own phone back, dickhead?

Sure.

Where do you want to meet up?

Yes. Yes, there's a parking garage at the Grove.

[laughs]

Don't you think I understand

that the place is going to be crawling with Feds?

[laughs]

[punches phone]

[Axel] Well, it was worth a shot.

Failed again.

[Zorro on recording] Oh, hello, Ingmar.

[Ingmar on recording] You know my name?

[Zorro] I know everything about

you, you Swedish dickhead.

I got your mo-- cell phone, remember?

I got your mo-- I got your mo--

[snores softly]

[Zorro] Ingmar.

Ingmar?

Looking for this?

Don't forget that I am the best

thief in the world.

What do you want?

I heard that you've been feeling pretty good lately,

letting people in, making plans.

Why are you here, Zorro?

Zorro?

Please.

Don't listen to that other guy.

He's a clown.

Help me. Find me. Forgive me!

Ingmar!

-Forgive me. -Tex.

-Ingmar! -Tex!

[ringing]

[gasps]

[bottle clatters]

[breathing heavily]

[Axel on phone] I know who it is.

Yeah, uh, hello?

I listened to the tape, Ingmar,

to every little noise in the background,

over and over again.

And then I heard it.

And, it wasn't in the background at all.

Where was it?

It was in the front ground.

[Axel] It's one of you.

One of us?

-Yes. -Which one?

David, you had the motive: money.

And you have the nimble fingers to be able to really--

Wait, are you going to do each of us this way

before you tell us who did it?

Yeah, that's what I had planned.

Okay, can you skip that part and just kind of move on?

Yeah, all right, fine. It's Robin Hood.

-He's lying. -[Axel] Hmm? Am I?

[Zorro on recording] I know everything about you, you Swedish dickhead.

I got your mo-- cell phone, remember?

I got your mo-- I got your mo--

-I got your mo-- -Before he says "cell phone," he says "mo."

Mo. Johnny, you're from England.

What do you call a cell phone over there?

A mo--

[Axel] A mobile, right?

Is that what you wanted to say?

-Johnny-- -That doesn't prove anything.

[Ingmar] No you're right, it doesn't.

That's why we found another way to get proof.

Sun, can you please tell us where you are?

[Sun on speakerphone] I'm at 1319 West Merced Avenue in West Covina.

That's my apartment.

Right after you left to come here,

our colleague broke into your house.

Sun, could you please tell us what you found?

I found the Zorro costume,

and a bunch of wallets, asshole.

Those wallets are not admissible in court.

You had no right to break into my house.

I didn't.

[Axel] We just played you, man.

We played you good.

Real good.

Is this like a method acting thing, man?

No, I was planning to steal from the rich and give to the poor.

That was my intention.

Bollocks.

[music]

Congratulations.

Well played.

Yeah. You know, I actually feel like

I'm starting to become a real detective.

That's great. Pretty soon you'll be a licensed one as well.

-Mm-hm. -[chuckles]

So, uh, how was your date with Brad Dad?

Is he the one?

Actually, I--

Oh, wow.

I like him.

-That's all. -Hmm.

-[door creaks open] -Oh, hey, Dad.

Hi, kids.

This is so great.

Clean, cool air.

You know, it's nice to see you in such a cheery mood.

I'm happy. The future is looking okay.

-[bottles clink] -[Axel clears throat]

[Axel] I, uh, feel like I need to say a few words to you all.

But especially to you, Ingmar.

For...

for taking me in.

For making me a man's man.

I'm not saying you've become like a father to me

but I feel like I've become like a son to you.

And I just look forward to our future together,

and the future of the...

[cell phone rings]

...of the Swedish--

Sorry, I'm just going to...

-Axel speaking. -[woman on phone] Hi, Axel.

It's Melanie DiPietro from the Investigative Service Association.

Um, it turns out that the visa information

that you provided has expired.

-Huh? -Yeah.

So if you could send us a current visa and work permit,

that would be great.

Because according to this, you...

you don't even have the right to be in the country.

[laughs]

[chuckles]

Yeah. Well, yeah, that-- that's very funny.

I'll take care of that.

To the future of the Swedish Dicks.

[all] To the Dicks!

[bottles clink]

[Axel] I know you stopped being my manager

when I stopped being a DJ,

but I don't understand when things got this bad.

When did I become an illegal immigrant?

[manager on phone] You came out here for a music festival.

I got you a three-month work visa,

and that was two years ago.

Yeah, but I-- I got a job!

[hip-hop music plays]

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