Original subtitles

[Maude, on phone] Axel, I have been your therapist

for a long time now,

and for the first time,

I can truly say we're making some progress.

Quitting being a DJ and becoming a private investigator

was a wise move on your part.

[Axel] I agree.

That's why I decided to quit something else.

My antidepressants.

- What?! - Yeah. I quit my meds.

Six days ago to be exact.

I don't approve of this, Axel, at all.

[Axel] It just feels like the right thing to do.

I want my mind to be clear and sharp

when I'm helping Ingmar to figure out whatever happened to his friend.

But you can't just quit cold turkey.

You could suffer serious side effects.

- What kind of serious side effects? - Sweating,

nausea, vomiting, diarrhea,

extreme mood swings, hallucination,

manic depressive episodes that could last for weeks

or months.

Sounds like a hangover I had once.

No, I'll be fine.

Talk to you next week.

[indistinct music on radio]

I didn't know you were taking antidepressants.

Oh, yeah. I did for years.

You're always so happy.

Yeah, I know,

because I took antidepressants.

But now I'm off them.

Well, I couldn't help but overhearing

something about side effects.

Oh, that's nothing serious.

It was just small things like sweating,

vomiting, nausea, diarrhea,

extreme mood shifts, hallucinations,

manic depressive episodes.

Could last for weeks, for months, for years.

For years?

No! Not... not for years.

- Wait, what? - What?

You said for years.

No. Well, yeah.

Now I'm not sure.

I might have hallucinated hearing her saying that, but, uh...

In fact, I might be hallucinating this conversation right now.

Okay, okay, okay, here we are.

The cameraman's last known address.

[Ingmar] Those of you who don't remember,

- my best friend Tex died... - [shouting indistinctly]

when we were shooting a movie

called Blood Curse 2.

Holy shit!

You can see someone

in the reflection.

[Ingmar] The cameraman had been shooting

some behind-the-scenes stuff,

and maybe his old footage could explain

what really happened to Tex that day.

Yes?

Hi. Are you Oscar?

Yes.

You used to work as a cameraman?

Yes.

We would like to ask you a few questions about a...

a movie you worked on a few years back

called Blood Curse 2.

Yeah. I remember that one. That was...

That was the one where the stuntman died.

Yeah.

It was a hell of a crappy movie.

Yeah.

Some people consider it a cult classic.

Ah.

Yeah, we were wondering if you might

still have the tape that you were shooting that day?

No.

- Sorry. - [frustrated sigh]

Yeah.

Well, I... I have a copy.

Oh, you do?

Yes, but, um,

I have to go dig it out of one of my...

my ten storage lockers.

That could take a little time.

Yeah, but when you find it,

can we have a look at it?

Sure, of course.

Yes!

- [dog barking] - Whoo!

Ha ha!

Cameraman's gonna call us!

Oh, god. Camaraderie.

Oh, god, that smell is...

[sniffs] Oh, that so unique.

Okay.

Whoo!

[theme music]

Swedish Dicks 1x06

- Synced & Corrected by Dragoniod - www.addic7ed.com

[elevator bell rings]

What the fuck?! You late!

Yeah, you can blame him.

He had to stop three times so I could throw up.

You lucky I lock client in your office.

Otherwise, she'd be gone.

You did what?!

I lock her in your office.

Oh, Ch...

You are...

- [squeaks] - It's one thing to be late.

It's another to have your assistant

lock me in this room so I can't leave.

It's unbelievable.

Excuse me. First of all,

we apologize for being late.

Second of all, this Sun is not our assistant.

No, she... She just works in the building.

Well, you two definitely need an assistant.

Maybe then you wouldn't be late.

Oh, that's a... That's a great idea.

Yeah. No, no, it's more

than a great idea. It's actually...

It's an... It's an excellent idea.

No! No, it's more...

It's more than excellent.

It's a combination of the two of them.

So it's grexcellent.

[laughs]

So how can we help you, miss?

Um...

I own and operate one of the most successful pet cemeteries.

Well, it was one of the most successful until recently.

My main competitor has reduced his cremation prices

to the point where he's taking away all of my business.

All right, but there's nothing illegal about that.

No, there's nothing illegal about that,

but I suspect he is not cremating the animals individually

like he claims.

I think he's cremating them in large groups,

which is not only illegal, it's immoral and unethical.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. It's just so sad.

No, don't you apologize.

When I think of those soulless bastards

taking advantage of their grieving clients like that,

it makes me want to break down and cry, too.

[sobbing]

Not quite like that, but...

[Ingmar] The lady was right.

That was too strong of a reaction.

- Well... - And we definitely needed

an assistant.

I'm okay.

After putting our badge all over town,

we started our investigation.

[horns honking]

Buried or cremated?

What?

Wh... when you die,

do you want to be buried or cremated?

Cremated,

like a true Viking on a burning ship

set out to the sea.

No, no, no.

No, I can't do that.

I... I... I get seasick.

Well, let me guess. You want to get buried

because it's good for the environment.

No, no, no, I'm not gonna be buried,

or cremated.

No?

I'm gonna live forever.

Oh, yeah? [laughing]

No, that's no joke.

You know, with today's advancements in medical science,

it's a real possibility.

At least for my generation.

What about mine?

No, you guys are totally fucked.

Look out!

[tires squeal]

[whimpers] There was a moose!

I swear I saw a moose!

Yeah! Didn't you see it?

It had, like... It had sunglasses,

and it was riding a skateboard.

Oh.

I was hallucinating.

[exhales] It was just a hallucination.

Okay. Okay, I'm fine.

No worries.

[Ingmar] The plan to see if the cemetery

was burning animals in large groups was simple.

We pretended to be pet owners

whose beloved dog was about to die.

Well, uh, I would just like to say

thank you for choosing Creature Comfort

as your pet's final resting place

and to extend my warmest

and most heartfelt condolences to you

at this time of immense grief.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

We appreciate that.

He means a lot.

So... so much.

Am I correct in saying that your dearly loved pet

has not yet left this world?

Not... not yet.

But soon.

We think it's best to be prepared.

Yeah.

That's a very wise move on your part.

And what sort of animal is he?

- He's a dog. - Dove.

Dove? He's a...

But he's a very big dove.

Oh, a... dove?

He's, uh, almost more like a condor, I think.

That would be a first.

He keeps him on a leash, actually.

We... we call him Stu.

Okay.

Yeah.

Sir, may I use your restroom?

Yes, by all means. It's, uh, right out that door, down the hall.

- Okay. - Can't miss it, all right.

[Ingmar] And while Axel kept the owner preoccupied,

I took a quick look around the place.

[machinery humming]

[flames crackling]

[sizzling]

Unfortunately, Axel had some trouble

holding up his end of the plan.

[inhales]

[exhales]

Are you all right?

Yeah, great.

Why?

Because you're sweating...

a lot.

Really?

Mm.

Doesn't feel like a lot, no.

Just... Ow.

My eyes are burning,

from the sweat...

that I'm... that I'm not sweating.

Maybe I should get your life partner.

No! No, please.

Please, sorry. Just sit.

Just...

Oh.

- [vomit splashing in urn] - Okay, that's it.

I'm gonna go get him.

Sorry I took so long.

Did I miss something?

- Well, I... - [splashing]

[Ingmar] Well, maybe we should leave, eh?

Please. And...

Please, take the urn with you.

Okay. Thank you.

Okay.

Very nice office you have.

Thank you.

There's something fishy about this place.

Yeah. Yeah, the fish.

- Fish? - We have to catch the fish.

What was that, Axel?

You better get back on your meds.

Why?

Why? Because you're a mess.

It's affecting our job.

[scoffs] Well, if it's affecting my job,

how come I was just presented with this barrel of gold?

It's not gold.

It's vomit.

Your vomit.

- [retching] - [cell phone rings]

It's the cameraman.

- [rings, beeps] - Hello, Oscar.

[Oscar speaking indistinctly]

That's great. Thank you.

He found it.

- Yes! Yes! - [sloshing]

- No! - No! No!

[groans]

[engine starts]

[Ingmar] Besides my car being violated,

our overall situation looked pretty good.

The cameraman had found the tape,

and our first candidate for the assistant job

had found us.

On behalf of the Dicks,

I want to apologize for their not being here.

Everything so chaos since last assistant "quit."

Why did you just make air quotes around "quit"?

Oh, you saw that?

Yes.

Because you did it

right in front of my face.

I make air quotes because assistant not "quit."

Assistant die.

On the job?

Dicks specifically tell me not to mention details.

Dicks also specifically ask me to ask specific questions, okay?

Sure.

You capable of lifting heavy things?

I'm strong for my size,

so I'd say yes.

Oh, good.

Good. So you could lift rolled-up carpet

with the weight of dead human body inside

and, uh, throw it in the trunk of car

and put it in the ocean?

No.

Elizabeth say no to lifting heavy things.

Okay, next question.

You be willing to testify in court

and swear on the Bible,

but yet lie to protect employer?

Of course not.

Elizabeth say no to being team player.

I'm so... What kinds of questions are these?

Okay, why are you staring at me like that?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I... I just thinking

how much you look like old, dead assistant.

[Oscar] So lucky for you,

I saved copies of everything that I worked on.

Can we look at that?

Yes, on one condition.

You name it.

Kill me.

[ominous music]

What?

Kill me and the tape is yours.

- Do I have a hallucination? - No.

Sir, we don't understand.

I'm old. I'm miserable.

I've got nothing left to live for.

You put me out of my misery,

and I'll make sure my lawyer gets this tape to you.

So what's stopping me from snatching the tape

out of your hands right now?

That little voice in your head that says,

"Stealing is wrong."

A louder voice keeps telling me

that I need that tape now.

Okay, good. Well, then it's a good thing

that I listened to the voice in my head,

which told me to bring this.

- Hey. - Now, come on, guys,

what's the big deal?

All you have to do is sneak in at night

and put a pillow over my head.

Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am, I'm dead.

[sobbing]

Okay, okay, how about this?

How about you tell me why you want to see this tape,

and I'll tell you whether it's worth killing me for it.

The stuntman that died on that very day

was my best friend,

and they blamed me for his death.

I think there might be something on that tape

that proves my innocence.

All right, I can honestly say

you'll want to see what's on this tape.

Kill me, and it's yours.

[Ingmar] What would you do

to get what you wanted?

[horn blares]

A simple question

with a sometimes deadly answer.

[creaks]

[snoring]

[ominous music]

I told you not to go off your meds.

[screaming]

[whimpering]

You damn cowards!

No!

[Ingmar] I just want to say thank you.

For what? I didn't do anything.

If you hadn't screamed, I would have killed him.

Oh, there's a dog!

I'm serious! I would...

- Look! Stop! - [brakes screech]

- Ah. - [music playing on stereo]

Oh, shit!

Almost killed a dog.

That's it!

We'll kill a dog!

What do you mean we'll kill a dog?

We kill a dog, and we...

we plant something in it,

something that doesn't burn.

[laughs] And if... and if it's not there when it's cremated,

we know they're cheating.

That's a really fucked-up idea,

but, actually, a pretty good one.

Yeah. Maybe going off my meds is finally starting to pay off.

I don't think we even have to kill it.

Look at that poor bastard.

We can just take it back to the office

and wait for it to die.

Yeah?

I think she's already dead.

[whines]

- No, I'm still alive. - Heck.

Come on. Close eyes.

Let it happen.

Go to your eternal home in heaven.

I do it.

I kill dog.

Then maybe you make me assistant.

You want to be our assistant?

Yeah. And I prove you how much... now.

[speaking foreign language]

Oh, fuck!

Shit! Fuck!

I make terrible assistant!

Terrible!

But...But...

No no no...

- Speed. Go to sleep. - Just let it happen.

[Ingmar] The dog didn't fall

into its eternal sleep that night.

Actually, it didn't sleep at all.

- [dog howling] - It howled.

Okay. Okay, okay.

Can you please stop howling?

I need to sleep.

- [howling] - Okay?

He lonely.

What old dogs do when they lonely,

they howl.

How can he be lonely when I'm here with him?

Not enough.

He want connection, like this.

[baby voice] Yeah.

[speaking foreign language]

Gee.

- You see? - Yeah, that's good.

Very good, dog. You dirty

You so dirty. Oh.

Thank you, Sun.

I need you here. Bah bah bah bah bah.

[laughing]

Sorry about before,

being total freakin' bitch witch.

Well, if you wanted to be our assistant,

you could just say so.

I no want to be your assistant.

I just want you ask.

Okay, I get it.

Connection, huh?

Yeah, connection.

But not in sexy way.

Oh, no, no, no, no,

that's not what I was thinking.

Good. Because you can't handle what I got.

Good night.

Wow.

You're quiet now, pal.

[Ingmar] Connection.

Maybe that's what we're all looking for.

Now what, scaredy cats?

You couldn't even help an old...

[Ingmar] Including Oscar.

Who is this?

Hello, pretty girl.

Hi there.

Oh, you're so sweet. Can I hold her?

Yeah. You know what?

You can keep her.

[Ingmar] Being with someone

could be better than being by yourself.

Thank you.

But, unfortunately, without the dog,

we had no animal to burn,

so how could we prove the pet cemetery owner

was a criminal?

Without a dog, we have to start all over again.

We must not give up. I am fully confident that he is a fraud.

We just need to come up with a cunning way to prove it.

Sly way. I think I have an idea.

No, no, it's hot like this!

Last chance!

Wait! [screaming]

Oh, get me back!

[click]

I... I did it. I'm guilty.

I did everything that I'm accused of,

and I regret that for a long time,

I cremated my customers' beloved pets in large groups.

[sobbing]

Thank you for this evidence.

It should bring justice to the market,

and, uh, it could definitely put Carl behind bars.

Course, it also could be used as a motivation

for a business agreement.

Partnership, if you will.

I mean, let's face it,

Carl made a shitload of money cremating pets in large groups.

So this is a perfect reason for Carl

to give me 80% of his business.

What... What about all your talk about morality and

ethics?

I believe in those things.

For instance, I believe in the ethics

of client confidentiality,

strongly.

So strongly, in fact,

that if I ever hear

that you have told anyone about this conversation,

well, let's face it,

little doggies won't be the only thing I'm cremating.

Am I clear?

[Ingmar] With the case out of the way,

it was time to watch the tape Oscar gave us.

[man shouting indistinctly]

- Are you okay? - Aha.

Simply disgusting memories.

- It is he? - Yes.

Is this his girl you talked to? We have to show her the record.

This will be for her a memory of the last kiss.

I can not believe this.

- It's not his girlfriend. - What?

[Ingmar] That woman was the girlfriend

of a low-level Russian mobster named Dimitri.

He was a total psychopath.

At that point, I was convinced

it wasn't the stunt that had killed Tex.

It was Dimitri.

[tires screech, crash]

And now all I needed to do was prove it.

[theme music]

- Synced & Corrected by Dragoniod - www.addic7ed.com

[Axel] No, you were right.

Going off my meds was a huge mistake.

Please, just give me my prescription back.

I can't do that.

No, you have to.

I rea... I can't do this.

[Maude] I'm sorry, Axel, but I really can't.

Why not?

Because we're not actually having this conversation.

- We're not? - How could we be?

You're not even talking into a phone.

[Axel] Then what am I talking into?

- A bra. - A bra?

Is... [sighs]

- [click] - Don't you hang up on me!

[theme music]

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0