Original subtitles

Life after death:

do I believe in it?

No, but does that stop me from talking to my dead friend?

No.

Not a single day goes by without me thinking about it.

Ten years, buddy.

Oop. Hold on. Sorry

Hey, Dad.

Hey.

What's that noise?

Just blowin' off some work steam

by killing people.

Oh, um, my company's representing

this, um, advertising agency in a lawsuit.

Advertising?

Terrorism with a smile.

Have you been drinking?

Me? No.

Okay.

What?!

Rrrr!

Oh, um, so I was talking to the owner

of the advertising agency, and he was telling me

about how he's having some problems with someone

stealing and selling company ideas.

So I told him about you,

and, well, now he wants to hire you.

That's great!

Cool. Oh, but you might want to talk about it

with your partner first.

Hey, Axel is so not my partner, Sarah.

Okay, well, legally speaking he is definitely your partner,

so talk to him.

Legally speaking, you're out of my will.

Swedish Dicks 1x03 "Episode 3" Sep 9, 2016

- Synced & Corrected by Dragoniod - www.addic7ed.com

Yes, it's Axel.

Yeah, hi, it's me.

What the hell are you doing?

Don't tell me you're...

No. I'm on my bicycle.

Are you crazy? You want to get killed?

Get off that bike and drive

like everybody else does in this town.

What, add to the traffic?

The traffic that's killing the planet.

No, never.

Besides, I don't know how to drive.

What?

You heard me.

Everybody in the whole damn world

knows how to drive a car.

Not everybody.

Okay, whatever.

Sarah called me about a job

that I think we should take,

and since we're now...

You know, you and I, we're, uh...

Partners?

Yeah, legally speaking.

It feels so good to hear you say it.

Yeah, it's an ad agency.

They... They need my help,

or they need our help.

That sounds exciting.

- So you're in? - Yeah, absolutely.

We're in.

So it was agreed

we would take the job at the advertising agency,

but the agency only wanted to meet us before we began

somewhere where his creative co-workers wouldn't see us.

[gunshots

So I come up with these ideas,

and a month later, they've been stolen

by one, two, three...

a bunch of my different competitors.

My company has been in my family for three generations.

If I lose this company under my watch...

I'm gonna kill myself.

Don't worry, sir, we'll find out who's behind it.

But if we don't, I just want you to know

that when I was touring as a DJ in Brazil,

I had a wonderful opportunity

to meet some amazing rainforest Indians,

and they told me about this drug

that they give to their elders when they don't want to live anymore,

and it's supposed to be a really great way to go.

If you want, I can get you some no problem.

Like I said, we'll find out who's behind it.

To find out who was stealing

the agency's secrets,

we'd have to be in the office,

but not be seen in the office,

which meant we'd need to be in the background.

Due to my looks and personality,

it was decided that I would be a maintenance man.

For obvious physical reasons,

Axel couldn't pass as a maintenance man.

That's why he went undercover as the plant man.

Hey, plant man?

You mind keeping it down?

People are trying to work around here.

Sorry.

Sorry. I...

Sorry.

Only one day on the assignment,

and my cover has already been compromised.

Man, you so blew our cover today.

What the hell were you doing with the plants?

I'm sorry, you know?

I just got overexcited.

You're right. You're right.

We're supposed to be undercover.

Yeah, right.

Hey, you know what?

We should take down our home site.

Our home site?

Yeah, for the Swedish Dicks.

Oh, you mean website.

- Yeah. - I don't have one.

What?

I don't need one.

What are you talking about?

Of course, you do.

I've gotten this far without one.

How?

Word of mouth

and flyers.

Flyers?

Yep.

Flyers?

Our only marketing?

Yep.

Sun.

Have you seen this?

Uch. I offer to do propaganda,

but he no want.

Oh, propaganda... you mean advertising.

Yeah, Sun, she claims she worked

for the Ministry of Propaganda back in North Korea.

Is that true?

Truth is relative.

Not in my world!

I make badass graphics,

blow your fucking mind.

Why would... That's a great idea.

She can do the website.

Okay.

She can make the website if you learn how to drive.

I know how to drive.

I'm not talking about your goofy little bike.

I'm talking about driving a real car.

I can always call a taxi or Uber.

Fuck that.

Scenario... we're on a case in the middle of nowhere,

I'm driving because you can't,

and I get shot.

Now how the hell are you gonna get me to a hospital?

Hmm?

I call 911.

I forgot. You lost your phone.

Up your ass.

Way up your ass.

Ooh, he got you, real bad.

Yeah, well, all right, all right.

You do the graphics, I'll learn how to drive.

Deal.

Finally a bet that I was sure to win.

But I wasn't as sure about our case at the ad agency.

Was our cover blown?

Was Mr. Curious onto us?

Excuse me.

I said excuse me.

Is that your real voice?

What?

Yesterday, when you said,

"Hey, plant man, do you mind keeping it down?

People are trying to work here."

Is that your real voice?

Yes, sir.

So that's really how you talk,

all deep and raspy like?

Yes, sir.

Well, it's very cool.

Like... Like from a movie.

Or like that voiceover guy.

Right, yeah. Say,

"In a world..."

Well, I... I got work to do here.

Okay, say, "In a world where I really got work to do."

Um, uh...

In the world where I really got work to do.

So good.

Say, "In a world

where there was no world."

In a world...

where there was no world.

Say, "In a world where a married man

can be secretly in love with his male co-worker."

In a world where a married man

can be secretly in love with his male co-worker.

Wait, wait, wait.

Well...

? In a world, in a world ?

? Where we can join hands ?

? And the maintenance man Can switch your light bulb ?

? On this ?

? Flo-o-o-or ?

All right!

Yeah!

- Ah, ah ah, ah, Where do you go? - Car.

No, now is the time of driving.

- Now? - Yes.

I'm not ready for it.

I see you're ready. Trust me.

Ow!

Ow!

Slide the Key into the slot.

It's like unlocking your diary.

Turn it around.

Put your foot on the gas.

Good.

Now make her roar.

Ooh. Feels good, right?

- Yeah. - Mm-hmm.

All right, let's just sit here and relax.

Today at the office,

did you see anything suspicious?

You know, I did actually.

Yeah?

When you were showing off your voice to everyone,

there was this girl...

she looked like she didn't want to be seen.

We all can join hands

and work together.

She snuck into another room,

so I followed her

discretely.

I opened the door slowly...

and then I saw what she was doing.

She was eating...

a lot.

I wasn't showing off my voice.

Who said you were showing off your voice?

- You did. - I did not.

- Yes, you did. - No, I didn't.

- Yes, you did. - Yeah, all right, I did,

because you were showing off your voice.

I wasn't showing off my voice!

No, that's right because you were...

living in a world

where a man was showing off his voice,

but didn't know he was showing off his voice.

Oh, jealous?

- Jealous? Please! - Yes.

Oh, come on. That's ridiculous.

Easy on the gas!

That's ridiculous.

Why would I be jealous?

Maybe because you're so used to being the center of attention,

and today when I got all the attention,

it made you jealous.

Easy on the gas.

I said easy on the gas before the engine...

breaks... down.

Sorry.

Was I mad that the kid broke my car?

Sure.

But I also felt bad for him.

I'd been through the same thing.

I knew what it was like to have the big light shine on you,

only to have it taken away.

Hello.

Hey, Dad. Did I wake you?

Never went to bed.

Hey, listen, I just thought you should know.

Dan killed himself.

Who the hell is Dan?

The ad agency owner.

- Are you serious? - Yeah.

Apparently, he used some strange drug

that the Amazonian Indians use to off themselves.

Oh, my god!

He killed himself because of me?

Well, he did take the drug you told him to.

Hey, Cagney and Lacey,

make a pose like I told you make.

I mean, that makes me feel so flattered.

I mean, he took my advice.

He actually listened to what I had to say.

I mean, it's so hard to cut through the noise these days.

Pose!

- You know what? - What?

I think we should keep working on the case anyway.

Pose or die!

Absolutely not.

There's a golden rule among dicks.

If the client is dead, the case is dead.

Once, when I was DJing in Ecuador,

there came a huge storm.

It meant that only a few people could come and see the show.

Now, in my contract,

I had a clause that said I could refuse to do the show

and still get paid.

Now, my first instinct was to just take the money and run.

But your second instinct told you to stay.

No, no. I didn't have a second instinct.

I just took the money.

But that was the old me,

and that's why I want to take this case.

I want to be better than that.

Okay.

Tell you what.

You're gonna turn that key,

and if the engine starts,

we'll continue the case,

and if it doesn't...

Okay, listen, I've been thinking.

That woman you followed at the ad agency,

you told me she ate a lot.

Yeah.

There's a lot of different explanations

for that kind of behavior,

guilt being one of them.

That's true.

So I want you to think back.

What was it that made you follow her in the first place?

Well, I thought I saw her take something off of someone's desk.

Like a memory stick?

Or a tampon.

But I think it was a memory stick.

We better check her out.

Okay?

Here it is.

- That's a lot of guilty. - And a lot of cake.

I'm going to explore the house.

Stay here.

Shit!

Shit!

Oh!

D'oh!

Move the car.

Move your...

Fucking guy.

Yo! You got a problem?

- Get the car out of the way! - What?

Move your car.

- No, it... it... - Get it out of the way,

over that side of the street.

No, Could you move your car?

No!

Move your fucking car to the correct side of the street!

Can I just stay here for a little while?

No, you can't stay... Okay!

Don't fucking touch me!

I didn't touch you!

That is rape in America.

- Do not touch a woman... - Okay.

...ever. Ever!

What the fuck? No. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Uh-uh.

- Don't. - Don't touch me, I said!

I didn't touch you!

- No, I will scream rape. - No, no, don't scream.

- Don't scream - No, no, no.

All right, no, you know what?

Get out of the fucking car.

- Aah! - Get out of the car.

Get out of the car.

Fucker, get out of the car.

Shit.

Now, mother...

Come on, come on

Easy, easy, back off!

- Who do you think you are, throwing... - What?

I know you.

And I know you.

In the office, you two pretended

like you didn't know each other.

- Did we? - I don't think we did.

Yeah, you didn't acknowledge.

You called him "plant boy."

"Man. Plant man."

Oh, my god.

I get it.

Dan hired you to find out who was stealing the company secrets.

Yeah, he did,

and we think you have something to do with it.

Why you say that?

The way you stuff yourself

with mass amounts of terrible food.

- Yeah. - What?

We think it's a reaction

to the guilt you're feeling from stealing.

That's your proof?

Yeah, that's that.

And then we have... this.

Oh, shit. Sorry.

Uh, I mean, we got this.

Ooh.

That's mine. Give it to me.

Sure, but after we've checked it.

I think we might find

some company secrets on this

- that you've been stealing. - And been selling.

So what?

Oh. So you admit you were stealing.

Yeah. I stole the secrets,

and I sold them

for a shitload of money.

Dan killed himself because of what you were doing.

He didn't kill himself because of me.

He killed himself because he was weak,

and now he's dead,

which means you have no client.

Which means nothing can happen to me.

Oh, you know what? Do me a favor.

Say, "In a world where two men completely wasted their time

on a totally meaningless assignment."

Now how the hell can you whistle,

after being so humiliated?

I'm happy.

Come on, your suspicions were right.

We did our job. We caught the bad guy,

just like we set out to do.

Well, it pisses me off that she got away with it.

She made us look like fools.

Yeah, I'm sorry I pushed it,

but, come on, the universe will take care of her.

Have you ever heard of karma?

Come on. Whistle.

Well, I guess that little guy

was just trying to cheer me up,

but karma, did I believe in it?

No. Just the same kind of wishful thinking

as believing in an afterlife.

Ten years to the day.

It's a long time, pal. Ha.

Sure is a long time.

What are you doing here?

Lee Anne.

Are you the one who keeps leaving beer bottles

on Tex's grave?

He was my friend,

and this is my way of holding onto him.

Then how come you let him die?

Well, I checked everything.

Obviously not, because if you had,

he'd still be with us.

Now why don't you take your stupid beer

and get the fuck out of here

before I call the cops.

Okay, you win.

Go!

Night, Tex.

- Synced & Corrected by Dragoniod - www.addic7ed.com

Don't look.

Don't look.

Where the hell are you taking us?

Now, stop feet.

Take off blindfold.

So, what do you think?

I love it.

Jesus Christ.

Oh, god, what a bunch of fuckin' morons.

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