Original subtitles

Los Angeles, California.

The land of sunshine. And traffic.

But that didn't bother me. It gave me some time to think.

It gave me some "me time".

Sadly, starting that sunny Monday morning, my "me time" was totally fucked.

Ingmar, I was wondering, is it okay if I call you Ing? Instead of Ingmar?

And you can call me Ax, if you want. -Aah, I don't think so

How about when I text you, I can just text Ing. Or even better - just I.

What the hell is wrong with Ingmar? Nothing, no, that works ... -Yeah..

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I know, I know I'm talking a lot, but..

.. you know its our first day working together, I'm a bit nervous That's when I start talking.. a lot.

Well, actually, that's a lie, because I always talk a lot, but.. but.. even more when I'm nervous.

But right, I'll shut up now. Be quiet.

Where we going? -Oh, to my therapist.

-Your therapist? -Yip. My therapist.

As far as I was concerned, a high class therapist had nothing on a low class shooting range.

Stop staring!

What will they do? Shoot at me? -Yip!

Well, well, well ... If it isn't "Igmar" the Swede?

I see that you have seen shopping for extremely gay cardigans at H & M.

Jane McKenney, founder and CEO. of McKenney Enterprises -

- the number one investigative firm in all of Los Angeles. -I'm...

Axel. Born and raised in the South of Sweden -

- in an area called Skåne. Did I pronounce that correctly?

Well.. perfect. Actually.

Up until three days ago you were a somewhat successful DJ who in a moment of existential crisis..

..decided to join the detective game.

How did you.. -As I told you, I'm Jane McKenney, the number one investigator in all of Los Angeles

I'm a pro, not like "Igmar" here.. who sucks .. at everything.

Ah - he doesn't suck at everything, he doesn't suck at anything.

-Do you suck at anything? -Stop now.

-What are you doing? -Giving you a hand.

Look at this! Little Swedish ladies in a little Swedish lady fight. "Pop"

Hey! I would love to stick around and smell that aftershave your're wearing..

..but I need to teach this guy how to shoot.

You? Teach? Mr. Lone Wolf? Hahahaha. That's funny.

Tell you what. Give me one week and I'll have him shoot much better than one of your boy-toys.

-Are we on? -Are Swedish Fish from Sweden

Well, actually, Swedish fish don't come from Sweden. [thud of boot]

This is on.

You my friend, are as screwed as a piece of IKEA furniture.

And you.. well.. just try to stay alive. At least until after the contest.

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What did she mean with "try and stay alive"?

Try to stay alive. Screw her and put on these.

I cannot do this. Weapons kill people.

If you want to work with me, you must be able to handle a gun.

There is your target. -It's heavy.

No, I do not know ... I can't.

Wait.. "Come on, motherfucker"!

For you, this is nothing, but for me it is totally ...

-You should have been inside my pants. -Uh, no thanks.

Okay, thats it. Just gonna do it. Do it

Au!

Hell!

I think my wife's having an affair. Its someone at her work.

I wanna hire you to a.. find out if she is.

[Shouting] I just wanna thank you for choosing the Swedish Dicks.

You do not have to shout. I'm blind, not deaf.

We had a little accident at the shooting range. It affected our hearing.

He blind? I have a friend who has a friend-

-who ripout orphan cat's eye and transplant into human.

If you want, I can hook you up, blind man.

- What? - Not now, Sun.

You think about it.

Well, we will immediately start surveillance on your wife sir and if she's sleeping with another man we'll let you know.

Or a woman. She could be sleeping with a woman. You know. Or an animal.

Sleeping with animals was actually legal in Sweden until just a few years ago.

-Now listen! You gotta filter your thoughts. Okay?! -Yep. Right.

You can't say whatever pops into your head, just because it pops into your head. -Yes, right, I'm sorry

Now the poor guy hired us to find out if his wife is cheating on him.

How many times do I have to I say it? I'm sorry, you're right.

No! No no no no! No! You listen to me.

You tell your client either he accepts the contract as is, or my client will walk..

..all over his grave. Am I making myself clear? Great!

- But.. is it true though? -What? -What you just said out there?

That its legal to sleep with animals?

It was legal. Until 2014.

About the same time that they forbid testing makeup on animals.

I'm not saying is correlated...

..but uh.. it makes sense. You do not want to sleep with an animal thats not wearing makeup.

-Hi Dad. -Hi.

-"Dad"? -Saraa is my daughter.

My name is Sarah, Dad, okay. Its not "Saara". How hard can that be?

She doesn't speak Swedish. -And why should I?

Its a totally useless language that only nine million people in the world even understand.

Do you want to put that into a true perspective? Nine million people is exactly two million people less than the eleven million people that currently reside in Los Angeles County.

Plus, by not speaking Swedish, I get to show my father how pissed off I am at him that

-he chose to hang out with his stunt buddies rather than me when I was growing up.

-And who are you, by the way? -Oh, I'm Axel. You talk fast. Really fast!

-She's a lawyer. -Oh! Speaking of which ...

I got the judge to drop the breaking and entering charges on you in the Hartman case. -What?

Wow! Thank you. Owe you.

Uh-oh. That's the understatement of the.. century. Considering that you actually do owe me because you never pay me.

Oh! I gotta go. I'm having some contractors come do some renovations on my condo.

-Who did you get? Who are you hiring? -Don't start.

-Start what? -Interfering in my life.

Well.. I'm just asking a simple question here. -Nooo. A simple question would be:

"What are you having renovated?" Not "who is doing the renovations?"

-Love you. -And I love you too.

Not one word ...

After that joyful family gathering it was time to take care of business.

There was a cheating wife out there. We just had to prove it.

Hopefully with Axel keeping his mount shut.

Oh-ho-ho! Hey! Walkie-talkies! Hallo, testing, testing, ...

So uh, your relationship with Sarah ...

-Seems like something you two need to work on... Over. -I don't think so.

Well, I'm no shrink. But I could be.. after all the hours I've been in therapy...And what I saw between you two..

..Not good. -Can you stop playing with those! Expensive equipment! Okay!

Okay! Just saying, if you want to, I got the number to a great shrink. You sit down..

Thanks, but no thanks.

-Over and out. - "Okay."

You see? I did "air quotes"... means that I don't believe what you said.

And I'm gonna do this: Ping!

Which means I don't care.

Touché! That's French and it means ...

I know what touché means. -Oh yeah? -Yeah. -What does it mean?

Oh whoa whoa oh, here it is....

This is where she works.

So, what do we do now?

Now we gonna sit here and wait. Keep our eyes open.

-Wait? -Uhm hmm. -Just wait? - Yip.

-Do you think we can change the music? -You can't.

The cassette is stuck in there; I can't get it out. You know what, it flips to the other side by itself.

Just wait, ...

Listen.. listen ... Now!

-Wow! -Yeah

Excuse me. -Whoa whoa whoa.. what are you doing? -I need to pee.

Okay. You gotta use the piss jar.

-We have a piss jar? -Ja-ip.

So.. I'm supposed to pee in this? - Yeah, I don't want you to step outside and blow the cover. -No, no. -Sure

Oh my God! Can you do that in the back, please?

Be easy on the carseat.

If this is what you did to Sarah when she was a kid, I can see why you're having problems.

There she is! Get down!

Is she with someone? - No, she's alone. -Damn.

After taking care of Axel's leftovers..

-I had some family business to attend to.

Axel told me he had to go some place.

Frankly, I didn't care.

You didn't actually think it was you that shot.. did you? -Yes ... no... no

He did. He thought it was him that shot, boys. [Laughter]

Don't be sad, little fella. We're just havin' some fun.

You know, I really like you.

In fact, I think you should dump "Igmar" and come and work with me.

-What? -Come and run with the big dogs.

Oh! I appreciate the offer, I really do.. but you know what, I can't..

I'm in business with Ingmar and ... -He actually thinks I'm serious.. can you believe that?

Oh! Oh. Oh. That's. That's very good. You got me.

-You win. -Yeah, I always do, sunshine. I always do.

Hey!

What exactly did you mean when you said "try and stay alive"?

-You don't know? -Know what?

If you don't know its not for me to tell you.

But I'd say you have a little mystery to unravel, "Hansel".

If I were you, I'd start with the movie called "Blood Curse II".

"Blood Curse II"? -It's even worse than it sounds.

Come, boys. Lets go find something to shoot.

Well, our first day as partners hadn't been easy for either one of us.

On top of being the most annoying person I ever met

Axel really brought back some painful memories.

But this was not the time to be emotional.

The case was still on square one, and we had no proof the blind man's wife was sleeping around.

You know what? I like being here.

It's like being at a drive-in movie.

You know what? Speaking of movies... You were a stuntman, right?

I mean, didn't you work on that one.. hmm... What's it..

... "Blood Curse II"?

I do not know what the hell you're playing at, but you better stop it, right now. You understand?

Shit ... I gotta take this.

-Hi. -What the hell do you think you're doing?

-Uh, what do you mean? -Oh, don't play innocent with me.

Honestly, I don't know what the hell you're talking about, Sarah.

Oh, okay, so you're saying that you didn't do a little background check guys on the guys I've hired to do my renovation?

I mean, you actually tracked them down, found out where they worked and threatened to hurt them if they didn't do a good job?

And you know how I know? Because one of them recorded it on their smartphone.

You listen to me, asshole. I want you to lower the price by about a hundred percent!

Whaa.. get the fuck outa here!

Dad ... How many times have we been over this?

Stop interfering in my live, okay. I can take care of myself. -Okay, okay, I'm sorry, Sarah

Apology accepted, But now I get the luxury of seeing if I can find someone else to work on my place.

I can recommend a really great ... -I'm hanging up now... [beep]

...Contractor.

Like I said, I know a great shrink.

Oh! Its her!

Showtime!

-There's the car. -But where are they?

How can I help you, handsome?

Well, we're looking for the room number of the couple that just checked in.

Sorry, no can do.. motel policy.

Oh, I understand, but I was hoping that you could make an exception..

..because they parked their car just in front of ours; we can't get out.

You see, I'm taking my friend here's to his assisted living facility. Yeah, he's a little bit slow.

-Oh, you poor thing. Yeah, he's 35...

.. but intellectually he's no more than 3.

Hey little buddy. You wanna lollipop?

Billy. You better answer the nice lady.

-I make big dirt in my pants. -You really are just the cutest little thing.

They're down the hall, in Room 1-0-5.

-Here it is. -She was pretty high...

.. are you sure she gave us the right room number?

-Tell me that you see me! Tell me! -I can see you! I can see you! -Oh! -Ah!

-Sex with a man that can see is soooo much better than sex with a man who can't see! - Oh yes! -Yes! Yes!

Your suspicions were correct, sir. Your wife is sleeping with another man.

-Are you sure? -Yes.

-Are you laying out photos in front of me? -No.

Why would I be doing that? You're blind... -Yeah?! -You're very blind so you couldn't see those

I need proof. -Like a video.

Which doesn't work either because you can't see.

-Audioproof. Yes. Thats what I need.

And that's what you're gonna get, sir! Audioproof.

"Guten Tag". My name is Ax-i-mus.

Aximus? What kind of a name is that?

That is German. We do a lot of fucked up things and we have a lot of fucked up names.

I'm sure that by now you have read the memo about your company hiring a new carpet cleaning company.

-No I didn't read that. -Aagh, who has time to read, ja?

Anyway, I am here to do a preliminary round of assessing just how dirty the carpets are.

And, I would say that they are dirty. Schweinerei, ja?

Anyway, the client's opinion is more important than mine.

-How would you describe the carpet? -I would say they're really dirty.

-Really dirty? -Really dirty. Unbelievably dirty.

Unbelievably "schmutsig".

If I was this carpet, and I was this dirty, I would want someone to spank me.

-Wouldn't you? -I suppose so.

-You suppose what? -I suppose I'd want someone to spank me. -Oh good.

Ok. We could clean the carpet softer or harder. Which do you prefer?

- Uhm. Ah. Which is better? -Well, harder of course. -Well, do it harder.

-One more time. -Do it harder.

Now, would you like us to just clean the surface of the carpet, or would you like us to go deeper?

-Go Deeper. -I'm sorry?

-Go Deeper. -"Entschuldigung"?

Deeper. Unbelievably dirty.

Then do it harder. Go deeper.

Suppose I'd want someone to spank me. Do it harder. Unbelievably dirty.

-Harder -Turn it off, please. I've heard enough.

Sir, in our opinion, she wasn't actually that excited about..

..having sex with the man she was having sex with.

That's why she sounds so lifeless.

No, it's definitely my wife. That's exactly how she sounds when we make love.

She's a quiet woman.

-Yes. -Clearly. -Yes. Definitely. -Quiet.

That was a close call..

..but in the end we were successful in bringing our first case to a conclusion.

Maybe my luck was changing? Maybe Axel was good for the business...

.. and maybe we did have a chance at the shootoff?

Make me proud.

-We've got a winner, which means we got a loser. -Well, you say I lost. I say I came in second place.

No, you're a loser. Just like "Igmar", loser.

She is right, Axel. We are the losers.

In our home country there is an old Viking tradition that the losers provides drinks for the winner.

But I think its too strong for you, Jane.

-Yeah, right? What you got? -Ah, this is called "Viking water".

Dad! Please tell me you're joking. Tell me you didn't actually make that woman drink that?

I did!

Dad! You can not keep doing things like this.

Oh, you don't want me interfering in your life, so please don't interfere in mine.

You know, as much as it pains me to admit, you're right; it won't happen again.

Well actually I kinda like it when you interfere in my life, Sarah. Makes me feel closer to you.

If you're trying to get me to admit that I'd like you interfering in mine, you can forget about it.

It was worth a shot.

Well, I gotta hang up. Having a drink with an old friend.

-Oh, ok. -Bye hun. -Bye.

All in all, it had been a pretty good day.

Sarah and I were ok, and I didn't think about strangling that little Swedish guy.

So finally I could spend some quality time with my best friend.

ctrlaltdel2016

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