Original subtitles

[crickets chirping]

I don't need her.

I don't need nobody.

Vernon Brown's a damn solo act.

[gunshot]

Hey, boy.

You're trespassing on private property.

Sorry, Mister.

I'm just trying to clear my head.

Uh, I got something that'll clear your head.

[gunshot]

?

Okay.

?

? It's two A.M. ?

? The fear has gone ?

? I'm sitting her waitin', the gun's still warm ?

? Maybe my connection is tired of taking chances ?

?

? Help I'm steppin' into the twilight zone ?

? The place is a madhouse ?

? Feels like being cloned ?

? My beacon's been moved ?

? Under moon and star ?

? Where am I to go ?

? Now that I've gone too far ?

? Help I'm steppin' into the twilight zone ?

? The place is a madhouse ?

? Feels like being cloned ?

? My beacon's been moved ?

? Under moon and star ?

? Where am I to go ?

? Now that I've gone too far ?

Debbie. Debbie.

Debbie. Debbie. Debbie.

?

What are you doing?

Oh, Debbie.

Oh.

Look who's decided to join the land of the living.

[laughs]

Come on, squirrels' done.

Mm-hmm.

Smells delicious.

- Thank you, Mister. - It's my pleasure.

And like I said last night, call me Leslie.

Go on and take the first bite.

Mm.

- [spits] - [metal tings]

- Mind the buckshot. - [spits]

I don't mind it. It's worth it.

Good way to get your iron.

Hey, I owe you an apology for however I ended up here.

Ain't no apologizing necessary.

Man, we had a hell of a time last night.

We drank some whiskey, we sang some songs.

We killed them squirrels.

We styled each other's hair.

We went skinny dipping.

Huh?

I don't know you, but thanks for coming.

Congratulations, Ronnie.

Don't worry, statistically speaking, you're slightly less

likely to get abducted by aliens and probed than get a divorce.

Thanks for putting it that way.

Vance. [laughs]

Ronnie, thanks for making me a groomsmen.

I know we haven't always gotten along, but that's just 'cause

I hate you with every fiber of my being.

- [laughs] - Fantastic.

If it wasn't my wedding, I'd roundhouse you in the throat.

But it is, so I'm gonna smile, shake your hand,

and say thanks for being here. [laughs]

Now run along before I change my mind.

Okay, everyone, we have one chance

to take these sons of bitches down.

Man: Go, go, go, go, go!

Go, go!

[indistinct police radio chatter]

I don't know, man, all this certainly feels like overkill.

Maybe it is, Jim.

But you know what?

I am sick and tired of being the laughing stock

of the law enforcement community.

Just once, I wanna do the cool things

that the cool guys do in those cool movies.

Is that so wrong?

Alright, Gene.

You set all this up.

That's what you really want.

Let's go nail these bastards.

Strike Team Delta's in position.

Operation Lasso is underway.

Okay, I just have to say something... about Ronnie.

He's just not the smartest guy in the world.

But...

No but, just had to be said.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. [laughs]

If he makes you happy, then that makes me happy.

Oh, that means so much, sweetheart. Thank you.

I just don't know if I'll ever be able to call him dad.

Yeah, I'd feel weird about that, too.

?

It's almost time.

Are you ready?

Yeah. [moans]

Oh my God, oh my God. Are you okay?

Uh-huh. Oh.

It's been over 16 years, but you never forget the feeling.

That, ladies, was a contraction.

Okay, uh... I've only seen this on TV.

Are we supposed to freak out?

No, no, it's gonna be fine.

- It can go on for a while. - Yeah, yeah.

I was in labor with John Cougar for two days.

Little monster came out, he just bit me on the thigh.

Alright, let's get this show on the road, alright?

One child out of wedlock is plenty.

- You know what I mean. - I know what you mean.

- I love you. - I love you.

Good luck.

[heavy breathing]

[moaning]

Even though it's against my nature,

let me help you get dressed.

You know, I can't thank you enough

for being my best man, Coy.

Well, it's an honor.

Besides, we're in bed together now, Ronnie.

To me, that makes us family.

And family always looks out each other, right, Coy?

Absolutely.

And now I'm looking out for you.

Mwah.

Debbie... oooh, you're a luck girl.

You kept going on and on about some gal named Debbie.

Debbie, Debbie.

You must have done something really bad.

I told my girl I loved her.

She slapped my face in front of the whole world.

That is humiliating.

If that happened to me, I'd probably just go lay down

on the railroad tracks and call it a day.

I appreciate the advice.

["Wedding March" plays]

Denise, can we speed this up?

Not until she's finished.

?

I'm sorry, honey, we're under a bit of a time crunch here.

- You look so pretty though. - Thanks.

?

[moaning]

Allegro!

Allegro!

["Wedding March" plays faster]

[moaning]

Excuse me.

[indistinct chatter]

?

Deb?

?

Dearly beloved, we are gathered today to celebrate

the union of Debbie Cookie and Ronnie Manley.

Reverend, this baby really wants out.

Can we pick up the pace here?

- Fair enough. - Thank you.

[fast] Do you, Ronford Manley, take Debbie Lynn Cooke

to be your lawfully wedding wife to have and to hold from

this day forward, for better for worse for richer for...

- Damn it, he does. - Yes, for poor.

Don't forget "or poor."

[fast] Do you Debbie Lynn Cooke take Ronford Manley

- to be your lawfully wedded... - Uh, sounds good, moving on.

?

Reverse cowboy two, at the ready?

Man: Copy that, cowboy one.

Ready on your signal.

Alright, boys, time to make the freaking donuts.

Let's go!

Go, go, go, go, go!

?

With the power vested in me, I now pronounce you...

- [glass shattering] - [crowd screaming]

?

[indistinct yelling]

[grunts]

?

Is this gonna go on my permanent record?

Coy Fisher, you are under arrest

for securities fraud, for investment advisor fraud,

and for mail fraud.

Well, that's preposterous.

You can go tighter with those.

Ronnie, what the hell is this?

Well, he was trying to get me to take the fall.

But the joke's on him.

He's going down, and I'm not going with him.

That is in no way correct.

You are implicated in all of these crimes.

[indistinct chatter]

But we had a deal.

I put cufflinks up my butt.

We never asked you to do that.

You ruined those cufflinks.

The deal was is that we lessen your sentence.

There's no scenario in which you don't go to jail.

Hey, guys, check it out!

Another one pissed himself.

Uh... that's thigh sweat.

Officer, please...

I'm sorry, Ma'am, they are going down.

And they are gonna take their punishment.

Excuse me, am I the only one that's aroused right now?

Kick-ass raid.

[water dripping]

Oh [bleep].

My water broke.

Okay, come on. Let's go.

Potty time. Come on, Mom.

Debbie: Thanks for coming, everyone.

?

[moans]

[sighs] Is there nothing you can do to get her back?

[sighs] I'm afraid I'm a damn fool

for not holding onto her when I had the chance.

She was my gal.

I loved her.

But I had to run around like a young buck,

screwing every fawn and forest animal

that crossed my path.

Now that's just a hypothetical analogy, correct?

[sighs] Yeah.

Well, she married some corporate jackass.

The worst.

First, I was able to contain myself and hold it in.

But eventually, the heartache just shattered me,

and I did something I can't never undo.

What'd you do? Kill the son of the bitch?

No.

Jesus, is that where mind went first thing?

Anyway, go ahead.

Ain't nothing to go on from.

I sold all my possessions, I moved out here,

I never looked back.

But there is not a single day that goes by

that I do not regret letting her go.

Vernon, Debbie's in labor.

You mean she's having the baby?

That's what labor means.

Uh, yes, come on, let's go.

Well, how'd you find me out here?

You called me last night, told me where you were

in case some guy named Leslie murdered you.

- Leslie, I gotta... - Walt: Who are you talking to?

- The guy. - What guy?

Uh... he's gone.

Anyway, come on.

Let's go see my son.

Come on.

Phew, the squirrel goes right through you.

Where'd he go?

Was he real?

Ohhh!

[heavy breathing]

Are you going for natural childbirth?

If by natural you mean I actually want every modern

medicine and chemical innovation that might be pressing

a watermelon-sized object through my hoo-ha less painful,

thank God.

The epidural it is.

Debbie, I got a little flower situation going on here.

I've got some white candidums, some white... needle.

- [heavy breathing] - Vernon: Where is he?

Is he here? Did I miss it?

Does it look like you missed it?

[moaning]

What are your plans for the placenta?

I hadn't really thought about it, Walt.

Well, keep me posted.

Look at all us here together to welcome our new family member

into this world.

I mean, it's exactly like I pictured it.

Minus Kaitlynn, Walt, and Doily.

Really glad you're here, Vernon.

You don't seem all that glad.

No, I am.

I just... I really wish Ronnie were here, you know?

I mean, this is as much about him as it is about you.

Ohh! Whoo!

Nurse, how much longer to go time?

Uh, still a couple hours probably.

Whoo! Vernon, our baby here yet?

Still don't know if it's Vernon's, but you definitely

don't have anything to do with it, Doily.

Your baby, our baby.

It takes a village, Debbie.

Oh, Ronnie's missing this, but Doily's here?

How is this fair?

[heavy breathing]

Guys, can we talk in the hallway real quick?

I need you to use your law enforcement juice

- to get Ronnie out of jail. - [laughs]

Well, securing the release of a newly arrested felon

is beyond even my powerful influence.

You'd have better luck just breaking him out.

You think what I'm thinking?

I think for the first time ever, my escape tunnel.

- Your tunnel. - I can't hear this.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!

[indistinct police radio]

Hello?

Oh, hi.

?

Um, excuse me, sir, my car is smoking and hot.

Just like its owner.

?

Take a little look...

under the hood.

Thank you.

Yeah, it sounded like a heart pounding.

Just pounding over and over and just over again.

- [clears throat] - You know?

?

Looks like he took the bait.

- Come on, let's go. - I should go get my tools.

No, you can just use your hands.

Where's that dang hole of yours?

I am good with my hands.

Yeah, I can tell.

?

It's gotta be around here somewhere.

Last place I looked...

- Found it. - If you say so.

- Let's do it. - Come on.

You're doing good. Still on schedule.

All: Ah!

Oh my God, this is the best form of birth control!

Ah, I would kill for a shot of tequila.

Oh.

Just say the word.

Oh, ah!

The second that baby is out, it is all yours.

Sympathy swig.

[motor purring]

?

It looks like you're having a little

- car trouble there, Ma'am. - Back off! I'm handling this.

Hold on.

I'm actually an ASEA-1 certified mechanic so...

Why are you wearing a tuxedo?

[laughs] I work on fancy cars.

Oh, so you're an ASEA-1 certified mechanic?

Mm-hmm.

Really?

Well, tell me this.

What's that?

Well, that's the...

[grunting]

Oh my God... that was so hot.

Carmen?

Yeah?

_

_

_

_

_

_

?

What the hell...

Hey, we come in peace.

What you doing in here?

Walt, you coming to break me out?

Actually, we're looking for a new fish named Ronnie.

- You know him? - You want Ronnie?

Yo, Ronnie.

Oh, Hank, what can I do you for?

Oh, geesh, Vernon, what are you in for this time?

I'm here for you.

Whoa, like I told that Aryan leader,

Ronnie is nobody's bitch.

Listen, Deb's about to have the baby.

Gonna be here any minute.

She wants you there.

I want what's best for her. Come on.

Deb's having my baby?

What took you all so long? Let's crawl!

?

Great.

Getaway car won't get away.

[engine turns over]

I'm trying.

Let's make a run for it.

Run 15 miles to town?

Debbie'll have a third kid by then.

Another kid?

Going my way, boys?

Doily!

I thought you said you couldn't be a part of this?

I'm not a part of anything.

I'm just a lonely driver looking for the company

of some kindly hitchhikers.

I'm kindly ready to get the hell out of here.

Come on!

Let's do this, dude!

?

? Set up camp in the center of town ?

? I can't go home ?

[screaming]

?

? Death is my former employee ?

? Death, is my own my Tom Sawyer ?

? Death, he's coming to destroy her ?

? I never wanna die, and I ?

Dad, Dad, Ronnie, she's in there!

Go, go, go, go, go.

Nurse: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Only the father's allowed during the birth.

Both: That's me.

Deb, did we make it?

Ronnie?

How are you here?

Well, it turns out Vernon's not a total jerk.

Busted me out of jail.

Jail? Wait, what?

It's just a saying.

Stay focused on the task at hand.

Debbie: [moaning] You two are such idiots.

Oh, but I'm glad you idiots are here.

[screams]

- Here he comes. - Vernon: Here he comes.

- Ronnie: Push, Deb. - Vernon: Come on, Deb, push.

[sighs] You think anything's happened yet?

No, I think they'll tell us when.

[sighs]

How 'bout now?

Are you all family?

All: Yes!

Let's go.

All: [cheering]

Kaitlynn: I get my hands on this baby!

?

He's beautiful.

Just like his mama.

?

I made this for him.

Walt, you shouldn't have.

?

Protect him from electromagnetic waves.

And it says UTI.

Thank you.

Let's save that.

Oh, what do you wanna name him?

- Vernon Junior. - Ronnie Junior.

It's Daniel, after my father.

?

Both: Daniel.

Uh, no rush, but if you want that paternity test now,

I can have the results today.

[machine beeping]

What do you think?

[baby cooing]

Look at that.

Miracle of childbirth.

Truly is miraculous.

That's what miracle means, dumbass.

You know, I've been doing some thinking.

Oh, don't hurt yourself.

That baby might be mine.

It might be yours.

But regardless, Charlotte's my daughter.

So... even though I'm gonna be moving out of the house,

half if not more of that family is mine.

So I ain't going anywhere.

Mm. Yeah?

Well, there's a flip side of that coin, amigo.

Sure, the baby might be yours.

But I'm marrying Deb, and I'm gonna be her husband.

So I ain't going anywhere neither.

In any case, thanks.

Congratulations on being a possible dad, you has-been.

Back at you, [bleep].

I imagine you folks wanna take a look at this.

It's the results to the paternity test.

No whammies, no whammies, no whammies.

Good news is it's one of you.

Come on, Deb, you're toying with us.

Debbie: Alright.

It's you.

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