Original subtitles

Alright, well, let this be a lesson to all of us.

The client's ideas are always horrible.

Buy a case of Waldon's Wieners

and get a free dog!

Aw, they're so cute! I think it's a great idea!

Well, the SPCA did not agree and now we need to find

homes for 100 Dachshunds.

Can't we just leave them on someone's doorstep?

For the last time, yes!

Now on to new business.

I'm pleased to announce we'll be working with Roland Montague.

Ooh, of the Montagues.

They're just like the Kennedys, but less handsome.

Now, as you may have heard, last weekend he trashed a room at the Hilton.

- That doesn't sound so bad. - Ah, it was the Royal Ballroom

during the G8 summit. I believe it started as an attempt at a blue angel and ended

- with the fire department. - What's a blue angel?

- I'll show you later. - Well, anyway,

his family wants us to clean up his image

and I want you and Nelson to be his team.

- Team captain! Called it. - There's no captain. Dave?

Well, he called it. I'm gonna have to defer to the captain.

And for questioning my authority, Beckett,

- that's a hundred push ups. - Dave?

A hundred is excessive, drop and give him twenty.

Come on! Fill the lens

With all your friends! Oh

Now

Is forever

Come on! Fill the lens

Subtitle sync and corrections by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.

Hey, dad! I need your help.

I am making mom a birthday present.

Oh! What, like a pool boy made out of macaroni?

No, I'm making a compilation

video of all my childhood victories. I want to show her

- that she raised a winner. - Well, I did raise you

- every other weekend. - Yes, and on your birthday,

I'll compile a video of me being your caddy

- and rolling your cigarettes. - Skills that last a lifetime!

Anyway, I'm looking for anything where I win first place

or an award or the crowd is going: "Go Stephanie!

- Kill everyone else!" - Of course.

I think we have something from when you were competing

in the Hunger Games! But you know, I've moved a few times,

- so I may have lost a few tapes. - There should be a bunch.

Oh, yah, it's just, there've been so many floods and fires

and giant video-ruining magnets over the years.

- I'll take whatever you have. - OK!

You know, I've been cat burgled a few times.

So you might want to lower your expectations.

This guy is a disaster, he's like a bull in a china shop.

Except the bull is drunk and the china shop... is everything!

No, man, you've got it all wrong!

Guys like Montague always land on their feet.

Do you know why that is? Because their asses

are full of horse shoes! Look, it's gonna be

10% telling him to stop acting "Bieberish"

and then 90% of awesome parties!

Alright, you're the captain, but trust me, you'd better

batten down the hatches and ready those lifeboats

'cause this guy is the perfect storm.

So you're saying I'm perfect? Ha ha!

Ah... Mr. Montague!

How long have you been sitting in that chair?

Would you estimate longer than 10 seconds?

I don't know, I'm rich! Time starts when I get there.

Nelson Abrams, please forgive my partner, Beckett Ryan.

He's a bit of an idiot.

It's OK, I get it. My grandfather was a Senator,

my Dad's a Senator, I'm the guy who said:

Hey, let's jump this ravine in my golf cart.

Voice of experience: they lack the necessary acceleration.

Yeah, physics! It's a bummer.

Ah, so listen, I've drafted

this apology letter for the G8 incident.

Have a look at it and we'll send it off.

I already posted my apology on Facebook.

"Yo! Mucho condoles for the fire, but it was Chad's idea."

(both): Chad!

"To make it up to the world, I'll be holding

"a righteous bonfire tonight.

- No cover with babe". - Seriously?

Yeah, you bring a babe, you get in free! Ha!

OK, time to snap a quick pic to prove to my daddy that I showed.

Cool! I'll catch you losers later.

Just kidding. I respect you.

- (Ding!) - That guy

- is a total train wreck. - Elevator's still open!

So it is!

Here we go: one root beer martini

with a splash of pineapple juice.

And...

- a maraschino cherry. - Hm...

Oh, come on! That trick got me

3rd place in Current Weekly's Best Bartender Competition, see?

I'm sorry, Abby. My cat, The Littlest Boho,

- just passed away. - Oh, Gordon,

I'm so sorry. I know how much she meant to you.

At least she died doing what she loved:

sleeping under the hood of my car.

Anyways, enough of my doom and gloom.

This third place in the bartender thing, that's great!

- Ah, it's not a big deal. - Hm!

Although it could be a big deal if I were to be

number one, but that doesn't happen to people like me...

You just need someone in PR. I could ask Beckett or Nelson.

Wait, I'm in PR! Let me help!

Aw, no, it's too much work

and the voting's almost over. There's only 2 days left.

Abby, local newspaper awards are my specialty.

When Mrs. Ogilvy was up for best cupcake,

I was the one who kept her past felonies out of the press.

I'm gonna need you to do that for me too.

Sure!

- Hey, Sweetie. - Hey, thanks for coming, Dad.

My pleasure. Hey, I picked up some gelato then I forgot it

at the liquor store when I stopped to get scotch.

OH! You're watching those videos that you asked me

to get for you, but I never did.

- Where did you get those? - Oh, with Bryce away in London,

I was able to steal your house key from his desk.

Ah! Bryce has a key to my house...

That's alarming news.

Are there anymore videos? I keep winning

stupid participation ribbons in these ones.

Sweetheart, there's nothing stupid about participation ribbons.

I mean, what would sports be without participation?

Just be a ball sitting on a field. Who wants that?

Not me, no thank you!

If I want mom to like it, I need footage

where I decimate my opponents. Destroy their spirits

and just force feed them orange slices.

Yeah, your mom would like that!

You kids, you just enjoyed playing the game.

No winners and losers, just like life.

Yeah, those seven-year-old sissies couldn't take defeat.

If I could go back in time, I'd just crush 'em all!

I'm just crushing your head!

No, Sweetie, it's just... just two fingers.

Just two, like... just like...

Y... Ah, never... never mind.

Hello, respectable women.

I hope you're enjoying your luncheon?

Came out in the public acting normal. Smart!

A good way to start putting out some of the fires he started.

Not sure how to address the actual fires he started.

- Looks like he's doing a good job, too. - He has gone to the bathroom

twice but it was actually to use the bathroom, so that's a win.

Hello, boys!

Oh, Leslie, glad you're here! How are things at the Sentinel?

Oh, just fine.

Well, you're barking up the wrong tree, unless you're

looking for a story about a respectable young man!

- Mm-hm! - Yeah, if you want, we can

save you some time and just send you a press release directly.

Oh, that's very kind, but if it's all the same to you,

- I'd rather write my own story. - It's nice to be here

getting in touch with the people. You, you, you, you.

Ah! You know, germaphobia is a very real

and terrifying thing that affects millions of people.

- We take on water! - No, no, no, he's fine,

you know, he knows not to fart and I've taken away his lighter.

As long as he sticks to the script.

...and that's why they always name hurricanes after women.

And the ship is sinking, captain?

Yah, yah, I'm gonna air lift him out of here.

Hey, Roland Montague's the guy that stepped on a baby, right?

Yeah! What a schmock!

- (choking) - You OK?

Hello, citizen!

You saved my life! You're a hero!

- Cool! - That would look great

on the front page of the Sentinel.

And don't be afraid to use the word "hero". That's H, E, R...

I'm a journalist, I know how to spell "hero".

- Oh! - Haven't had this much fun

since I stepped on that baby!

Hey!

- Hi! - Hm!

- Hm... - What?

An award for Outstanding PR Firm.

Yeah, yeah, I got that at the Firmies.

Ah! It must be nice

to win something, hm? Score, dad!

- Oh, yeah. - Ha ha ha!

Hey, I can't help but notice that you look insane!

Oh these? These things? Oh, Yeah!

They're participation awards from when I was a kid.

Good for you. Boy, I am busy!

It's a pretty good idea, these participation awards.

- Oh, really, you think so? - Removes all the pain and tears

from losing. Give the kids something shiny

so they forget about how badly they played.

Yeah, yeah, I guess that is the basic idea.

Yeah! Whoever came up with these participation awards

must be pretty brilliant, don't you think, Dad?

Yeah, well, brilliant enough to know where this is going.

You know, I tracked down my old soccer coach

to find out where such a brilliant idea might have come from.

OK, you can stop now. I know that you know

- (said together): that it was me. - ...She told me it was YOU!

Yes, I made a few phone calls, I got on a few boards,

I changed a few fundamental principles of sport.

But I did it for you.

So you robbed me of competition so that you could

coddle your little girl and give her a bunch of pretty ribbons?

- Well, not... - I don't want your ribbons.

Well, I do because they are very pretty. But just know

- that you ruined sports for me. - Don't be so self-centered,

I ruined sports for everyone.

We're up to second place already!

- Really? - Check Twitter! Vote for Abby

- is trending. - Amazing! How did you do that?

It was easy. I just had to stay up all night

creating 10,000 Twitter profiles.

Well done! Second place! Awesome!

Second place? We're not stopping 'til we're number one!

If someone orders a single, give them a double.

If it's last call, you turn the clocks back.

If the washrooms are full, you send them to my house.

If someone asks for your number, you give them a fake one.

- Stay safe out there, sweetie! - Yeah!

I've got a lot of weird energy right now and I think I need to go outside!

- Good idea! - We can do it! Abby! Abby!

(all): Abby! Abby! Abby!

He'll tire himself out.

Well, it's official; the story has gone viral,

his image is changed and we, sir, are geniuses.

- (Ding!) - Fellas! Oh! Watching my video?

If you play it in slo-mo, you can see the exact moment

I saved the life of that bearded poor.

Roland, good to see you! Awesome party last night.

Oh, you got nuts!

And you never showed.

- I was there the entire time. - Oh, yeah! You were the guy

- holding up all that shrimp. - No, that was an ice sculpture.

I talked to that guy for ten minutes!

Aw, so, he was melting.

- So, to what do we owe the pleasure? - Look at me, look at me!

- What do you see? - Meal ticket?

The mayor of Future City!

My dad was so impressed, he wants you guys to prep me

for a life in politics. Think of how to announce my candidacy.

- What's your platform? - Think of that, too!

Montague, out!

I should probably just call next time. These visits are real quick.

(sighing): The only thing that guy should run for

- is the village idiot. - Still open!

Hey, Team Montague!

How are Roland's political ambitions going?

Well, that's what we want to talk to you about.

Oh God, what did he kill?

Nothing. Actually, we should check on that.

The guy can't open his mouth without putting his foot in it.

I like the guy. He's like a Clinton,

mixed with a Bush, wrapped in a... Chernobyl.

There's nowhere to go with this guy.

Sure there is. Straight to bottle service, bro.

There's a bike ride tomorrow for the environment.

Enter him in that, right? The press takes some photos,

he'll smile at some nice people then, the word on the street

will be "Roland Montague is tough on pollution"

- and he won't have to say a word. - I'm into that!

Plus, it'll give us an excuse to wear bike shorts.

- I don't wear bike shorts. - Captain decides on the uniform. Dave?

- Aye aye, captain! - Cue!

I'm Abby Hayes, and I believe

that I'm your next top bartender.

I have a black belt in bottle opening.

And a PH.D in listening to your problems.

Bloody Mary. Rum and coke. Vodka soda. Water?

Hey, how'd you get in here?

So, vote for me, Abby Hayes. Give me a shot

and I'll give you one!

Paid for by the committee to elect Abby Hayes

for best bartender. OK, there's no committee,

it's just me, Gordon Woolmer! And... pause!

Gordon! That was amazing!

Thanks! I put this up on Facebook, Youtube, and MySpace

for some reason. Oh! And I got us coasters and posters

and holsters for the gun crowd.

Wow, Gordon, that's way too much. Especially that last part.

Look, even if we don't win... Oh, ho ho! we're gonna win!

Kitty didn't die in vain. We're riding this train all the way

to victory land!

- Gordon, I'm trying to find... - Train's comin', Dave, get off the track!

(Abby): No, no, no, NO! OW!!

Stephanie!

Hello, everyone. Don't mind me,

- just here to participate. - Well, you're several hours late.

Ah, yes, a telemarketer called and asked if I wanted

to participate in a survey. So I did! 'Cause that's my thing.

Well, I'm glad you could make it in by lunch.

You know, I think I'll order from every restaurant

in the city. Then I won't hurt anybody's feelings.

Well, you know what? I'm gonna stop participating in this conversation.

- Oh! Then you're not gonna get a ribbon! - Don't want one!

That is the hardest I've ever worked. I usually only sweat

like that going through customs.

We've only gone a kilometer, you've got 24 more to go.

It's OK, we've got time for a quick pit stop.

The race is going great! You're looking active,

you're supporting a good cause, and there's almost no way

this can end in a paternity test.

Well, the night is young! Just kidding, I know it's daytime.

- A round of martinis! - You know what? Tell you what,

you sit down, relax, we'll get you a...

sparkling water.

Hey, Roland. I saw your cherry choking video.

That was consensual! Oh, the one

- where I rescue that guy. Ha ha! - Yeah.

- There's another one. - Right.

So you're into environmental causes?

Well, I am an herbalist. If you know what I mean.

I do drugs!

So you don't, care about the environment?

Ah, Earth to stranger! Of course not!

What do I look like, a polar bear?

No, in fact, when the environment goes to crap,

my family's got a dome where only rich people and babes

are going to live. You can be one of the babes!

Provided, like, the environment goes to crap before...

time wreaks havoc on your face.

Oh! Leslie!

Hi! What are you guys talking about?

I could tell you, or you could read it in The Sentinel.

No! No reading! No writing!

Oh no, you're a reporter?

You have to tell me that before, otherwise it's entrapment.

You're thinking of cops. And you're wrong about that, too.

Safe ride, boys!

- You... Leslie... - Leslie!

Oh, man! My dad is going to kill me.

That dome was a secret!

Well, I've gotta run her down!

(sigh)

Why do I always have to run somebody down?

You wanted to see me?

Yes, I think it's only fair

that I get to show you my side of the story.

Does your side include an apology?

Now, you know it doesn't, so just sit down and watch.

This is a video from before participation awards.

Alright, now here you are losing a badminton tournament.

(We hear a play and someone yells "Ow!")

- Did I tackle the coach? - No, that was the line judge.

- (another yelp) - ...That was the coach.

You were banned from the league after that.

OK, so I don't like to lose, I get it.

This is you winning a Karate competition.

- In your face! I'm a ninja! AAAAAH! HA! - (reaction from the TV crowd)

Did I just kick that boy's father in the chest?

It could have been an uncle or guardian. There was no way

of verifying after he lost consciousness.

OK, so I...

I wasn't a kid who could only win participation awards?

No. Win or lose,

you were a horrible little monster

who might have murdered someone. Well, I got rid of the prizes

and you grew up to be the wonderful woman you are today.

Well, I understand why you did what you did,

- but I can't give this to mom! - No, no,

but don't worry, you've already given her the best present ever.

- What, my love? - No.

But ten years of child support payments.

Can I have your attention

and a drumroll, please?

I have here, the results

of the Best Bartender in Town readers poll.

After all your hard work the votes have been counted.

Only one can be chosen. Without much further ado,

the winner of the Best Bartender in Town is...

Abby Hayes!

YAY! Oh yay!

- Oh, it's warm! - Yaaaaay! Yaaaaay!

You did an amazing job, thank you.

Yeah, I really needed this. Totally took my mind off

my dead cat sitch. Which is why we can't stop now,

- we're going national! - Thought you might say that.

So, I got you a little something.

Oh, Abby, you didn't have to get me anything, this was...

- Oh my God! Hi, little guy! - (Meow!)

My name is Gordon. I'm your mom!

- (Meow!) - Oh,

hold off on the face rubbing until you get him some shots

'cause I literally found him behind a dumpster 2 minutes ago.

- (Meow!) - I'm gonna call you "Dumpster"!

I thought, maybe, you'd call him Abby.

- (Meow!) - I'm gonna call you

Dumpster Abby. Yes I am!

We're gonna be spending a lot of time together.

You should get to know me. My name's Gordon,

I work at DLPR and, yes, I'm the cool one!

Mm-hm! Now let's go home

and see if you can fit into the Littlest Boho's clothes.

Every media outlet in the country is running the story.

I guess his butt could hold no more horse shoes.

Dave is gonna kick us to the curb.

He and Senator Montague have been friends for 25 years!

We can handle this.

We just need to do it with grace,

professionalism and integrity.

- We throw him under the bus. - Yeah, I like that.

Just the guys I was looking for.

Time to celebrate!

Oh! Wait, this is empty.

- I drank it in the elevator. - What are we celebrating?

Do you get different news at your house?

I found a job where all I have to do is eat, drink, and golf.

What!? Can I come...?

I became a lobbyist for the oil industry.

It's the wave of the future, literally,

because there's so much of it in the ocean.

OK, wait, wait, hang on. But your dad, he's cool with this?

Ah, he's OK, he's just glad I didn't turn out a liberal.

Ha ha! No offense. You guys are a couple, right?

Anyways, thanks for whatever it is you did!

You've got yourselves a client for life.

- (Ding!) - Well, good job, captain!

Oh, I couldn't have done it without my first mate!

Wanna toss this for me?

Nah, it's not really the captain's job, though, is it!

I'm captain next time!

So what are we watching?

- Home movies. - Oh, look at the time!

- Sit down! - Steph, nobody wants to watch

- your boring home movies? - Trust me, they're not boring.

Aw, you were such a cute kid!

(Kid hitting and kid screaming.)

God. Why are you attacking all the other children?

- And where are the adults? - Uh, they feared me.

Oh no. What are you doing with that croquet mallet?

(screaming on the screen and in real life)

Subtitle sync and corrections by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.

Oh, Gordon, I'm so sorry.

- I know how much she meant to you. - Yeah.

At least, she died doing what she loved:

chewing extension cords.

At least she died doing what she loved:

underestimating the speed of cars.

...building a bomb. ...scratching a vet in the face.

...hiding in the oven. ...learning to fly.

It was the landing that was tough.

- Gordon! - (general laughter)

Train's comin' through, Dave, get off the track!

- Gordon! - You ripped out my weave!

(laughter also from crew)

Sweat just goes

- right through this thing, huh? - Ha ha ha!

- Score dad! - (laughter)

You broke my Firmie.

- I'm upset. Very upset! - I know! Anything I can do!?

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