Original subtitles

Come on, Beckett! Come out, already!

I'm working up to it, relax!

Oh, Nelson, you can't convert him like that.

What gives you the authority?

I'll show you what gives me the authority;

Right here, this sock! It costs more than your entire wardrobe.

Yeah? Well, I get my socks in packs or ten

and then with the change left over, I'll get myself

a real nice ice cream. Who's winning now!?

Is it just me... or is it hot in here?

(The guys laugh.)

Oh my God, you did convert him.

So, how does it feel?

I don't know, but I think this must be what it feels like

to be Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Wait... you bought him a suit?

Yeah, it's no big deal.

Uh, well, it did cost more than my entire wardrobe.

Oh, what's it made of? Nelson's socks?

Hey, I'm single now. If I can't spend my money

on my bro-F-F, who can I spend it on?

- Me! - (both): Nah!

Hey, and it doesn't end there. Check this out.

Oh no, you di'n't...

Oh yes, I did! Just like how we dreamed about when we were kids.

- (Starts motor.) - Oh-ho!

Duuuuuuude.

- You pimped his couch? - Oh yeah!

I'm gonna be late for work!

You stay on long enough, it'll take you to work!

Come on! Fill the lens

With all your friends Oh

Now

Is forever

Come on! Fill the lens

Subtitle sync and corrections by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.

Sir, in light of Gordon's brush with death last week,

I have removed the toaster from the kitchen sink area.

Dave, that toaster was filthy.

And I have asked everyone to update

- their emergency contact forms. - Ah! Uh...

you made yourself your own emergency contact?

Technically you are, but you forward all your calls to me,

so I figured I'd just skip the middle man,

- Thank you, Bryce! - (Ding!)

Good morning, Dad! Good morning, Gordon.

Ah, morning, how was your weekend?

Ah, it was amazing. I feel totally transformed.

Ooh! Autobot or Decepticon?

Answer carefully.

Dad sent me to a motivational speaker's conference.

Yes, yes, all those cocktail parties.

Perfect place to meet CEO's with money to burn.

So did you make any important connections?

As a matter of fact I did connect

with someone very powerful: myself.

Oh dear God! You didn't actually listen

to one of those motivational speakers, did you?

I spent two straight days listening to Turner Champion

and his message about opening your gifts from within,

I've never felt more inspired!

I spent 2 days thinking I was binge-watching

the Fireplace Channel. Turns out I have a fireplace!

Sweetheart, I specifically said

that weekend was supposed to be about shmoozing and boozing.

Actually, a bunch of the CEO's quit drinking

because of his message of self-improvement.

And that's something you might want to consider.

Look, if all the other CEO's were jumping off a bridge,

I wouldn't do that either. Well, except for that one time

when Mark Cuban goaded me into bungee jumping.

Hm! Well, as Turner Champion says:

"Falling is just flying for beginners."

Ugh! OH!

Flying!

- Hi, Bryce! - OH!

Gordon, you never sneak up on a man holding a butter knife.

- Do you have a death wish? - As a matter of fact I do.

My Death wish is to be cremated

and put inside an Etch-a-sketch.

Remember to shake me on my birthday!

Don't worry, I've written it all down for you.

Why on earth would you write it down for me?

Because you're my emergency contact.

Oh, Gordon, that is preposterous.

Oh, I understand. You'd be too upset if I died.

I assure you that is not it.

Oh, it's OK, Bryce. Even when I'm gone,

you will always have a part of me.

Or all of me. So far, there's no other takers.

Dude, that massage couch still has me half-asleep.

- Not a complaint! - What you need

is a strong shot of caffeine, my friend.

Oh! What's the matter, too hot?

It's too... "not coffee"!

I tossed anything that has caffeine in it.

Artificial energy creates artificial ideas.

So I made some herbal tea.

OK!

- Here's an idea: - Hm!

Instead of, I don't know, murdering you,

I'm going to use that energy to run downstairs

and get a couple of coffees, OK?

- I like tea. - Oh!

Although it never tastes as good as it smells.

This is unbelievable!

What's up, McBradden? You look like you've seen a... mirror!

I was just going through Gordon's personnel file.

Under emergency contact, he has put me, every single year.

Wouldn't it be smarter to put: "whoever's reading this form"?

I never thought that he and I had that kind of relationship.

You guys have a ton in common. You both, uh...

work here. Both, uh...

Look, I say don't fight it, dude.

You know, that may be the very first time

that anyone has ever actually called me "dude".

Wow! It feels all warm and tingly.

You know, like when your foot falls asleep...

only, in my heart.

Oh, this is atrocious.

Stephanie, why does my office look like an Enya video?

C'mon, Dad. It's just some candle light

and some ergonomic furniture. Helping you focus might just

- make you successful. - Yeah, yeah, it would be nice

to crawl out of my Dickensian poverty,

but may I at least have my chair back?

Ah! Turner Champion, says:

"In order for one to think on their feet, they must be on their feet."

Ah, he does, does he... What...

What's with the, uh... what's with the empty jar?

Oh, that's for your negative thoughts. Any time

you think: "I can't do this" or "that's a bad idea"

- you put it in the jar! - Oh! OK, well, uh...

This jar is a terrible idea!

Dad, please don't use the jar against itself.

Look, I'm not opposed to you embracing new ideas,

I just don't want this to be another one of your crazy fads.

- Like what? - Like what!

Like... well, have a seat.

Yah, right there, yah. On that.

NO! No. No.

Noo! No.

No... There... there... there you go!

Yeah, remember in high school

when I had to hire deprogrammers when you became

an environmentalist. Or the time your mom showed you, uh...

Flashdance, and you wanted to become a welder.

Or when you did outward bound and came home and said

you wanted to live in a badger's den.

OK, well, I promise you, this time.

- I won't go too far. - There you are, Stephanie.

Turner Champion's people just called. Apparently,

your bank needs authorization to release $10,000.

$10,000? What...

How much am I paying you?

Well, it is a small price to pay for me

to unfurl my true kinetic potential.

- No, no, no, it isn't. - Don't let him get you down.

I can return the hippie chairs but the bouncy balls

- are yours to keep. - Oh dear God.

Hey, Ab, any specials today?

Yes, Shepherd's pie, but there's only one slice left

and I'm saving it for me. It looks amazing!

So selfless of you. I'm gonna need a minute.

No you won't. My man and I will have the steak sandwiches,

- half fries, half onion rings. - This suit come with a bib?

- Did you just order for him? - I know what my man likes.

Oh! And does 'your man' like being called 'your man'?

Actually, my preferred moniker is 'the man',

but Nelson's the man for buying me lunch, so he can call me

- whatever he wants. - Dude, how could I possibly

be the man when you are so clearly the man?

Nelson, please! It is evident to everyone here,

that you, sir, are in fact, the man.

- No, YOU are! Called it. - Are you guys done?

'Cause we're out of steak sandwiches.

- (knocking at the door) - Hey! Little help here!

- Thank you. - Ah, you got some books!

Oh, I got a few books and guess who

I ran into at the bookstore.

- Nelson. - Ha ha ha! Hey,

if one man can't buy another man

the entire fiction section, I don't know what friendship is!

Not sure where you're gonna put those.

Oh, what the hell, man?

Yeah, I forgot to tell you, but I bought us

- a 3-D home theatre system. - Can we keep it?

I promise I'll feed it and take it for walks!

Aw, this is nuts. You've gotta take it back.

You deserve to see Showgirls in 3D,

the way the universe intended.

- Can I get a "hell yeah"? - Hell yeah!

Hell no. What is really going on here?

What? Everything's fine. Nothing is wrong.

You guys feel for pizza? I feel for pizza. I'm 'a order pizza.

Yeah, you do that. You're the man, with the plan...

- Heh heh. - ...to pay for everything

because everything is just fine. Hm...

Oh no, you have that look on your face.

That look that says that you're about to say something

- that's going to ruin everything. - (little laugh)

I think Nelson's compulsive overspending is distracting him

from some feelings he's not dealing with.

I think that you took one psychology class in college

and now, you think you're Sigmund Freud!

You have got to let this one ride out. Look at us!

We are one Plinko game away

from living in a Price is Right showcase.

And if this stuff goes,

I'm going with it.

Oh! I'll see if I can dig out the box you came in.

All right, bye bye.

Stephanie!

What is it? Do you need another jar?

Oh, I think I'm going to need a keg.

Yeah, I just got off the phone with Starshine Designs.

Apparently, instead of doing your presentation,

you asked them to 'unearth what is inside and visualize it'.

So they've dropped us.

Well uh, remember,

if someone leaves, they were never really here.

Oh, they were here. They were really here. For years, they were

here! They helped to build this beautiful office.

Well it was beautiful before you ruined it.

- Dad, I get why you're angry. - Oh good, good, good.

Your psychic toxins are just working their way...

Alright, enough, Fortune Cookie.

I was fine with you pursuing your new found dogma,

as long as it didn't affect the bottom line.

But now, I have to put my foot down, although I would rather

put it through Turner Champion's ass for stealing your money.

OK, I screwed up with the client and with you,

but my money is my money and I'll spend it how I want.

Besides, this is a new year, a new beginning,

- and things will change. - Is that more Turner Champion wisdom?

It's Taylor Swift, but still true.

Gordon, I was thinking...

It's so weird! I was too!

In light of your recent selection of me

as emergency contact, and seeing as you're such

a big fan of football...

I got us 2 tickets to tonight's game.

Fifty yard line. Premium seats!

Oh, I don't actually like football;

I like football mascots

Leo The Lion and Gainer the Gopher

and Ralph The Dog. You know, I met him once.

He thinks he's people! Ha ha ha!

You mean to tell me

that I just spent half a week's salary for nothing?

Yeah, looks like it.

Well, you know, actually, Gordon, um...

I'm really busy

looking after Dave, 24/7,

you deserve someone's undivided attention in case of emergency.

So perhaps you should consider your mother or...

or your sister or... I don't know,

maybe even a dog. I hear they're very loyal. (phone ringing)

My point is, I will not be there for you when you need me.

- Bryce McBradden! - Hey, Bryce, you answered.

On the first ring. I knew you'd be there for me, best friend.

- I am not your best friend! - Yes, you are.

- No, I'm not. - Yes, you are.

- Hang up the phone, Gordon. - No, you hang up.

- No, YOU hang up! - No, you hang up.

Alright, fine, we'll both hang up on the count of three.

- OK! - (both): One, two, three.

Are you still there?

Yes! Heh heh heh!

Yo, B,

Check it out! I got 2 tickets to tonight's football game

from Bryce! All I had to do

was call him 'dude'!

Look, about the gifts. Abby and I were talking,

and we think it's a problem.

- (motor and horn) - Nelson,

thank you for the sweet ride! You the man!

Now there's a girl who knows how to enjoy spending my money!

Let me pay you back for the gifts.

First installment of many, I should be able to pay you back

by the end of the year. The year... 2047!

- Bro? - Bro.

- Bro. - Bro.

- Bro. - Bro.

- Bro! - Bro! - Ho's!

Ho's before bros!

So, even the fool is a master of his own trade.

Oh, Stephanie, I have a client

in my office, I think you may be excited about.

Oh! Who?

Oh, you'll see.

Oh my God!

- Turner Champion? For me? - Yes, calm down.

- Thanks for waiting, Turner. - Oh, thank-you

for having me in your space. It is an honor

- to be experiencing you. - Well, this is Stephanie,

one of my most trusted colleagues.

Oh! Ha ha!

I'm sorry, this is just such an honor, I... I...

- I don't know what to say. - Well, If you don't,

you should. But if you should, then don't.

Seriously. I admire your passion.

The only people who are without passion

are the dead.

Now, come! Be alive next to me, Stephanie.

Oh! 'K!

Can I get you a scotch, Turner?

- Oh! No thank you, Dave. - Ho ho ho! Turner,

you don't have to be coy with us. There's nothing

you can't say in front of me and Stephanie.

- Then make mine a double! - Ha ha! Alright!

- That is alcoholic liquor. - Mm-hm!

What!?

MMM! Yummy, yummy booze!

Dave, I love what you've done with your personality sphere.

Oh, well, thank you, but that's entirely the work

- of Stephanie. - Oh!

You seem familiar to me.

You were at my seminar this weekend.

- Yes, I was. - Were you the one who threw

your panties on stage? Good arm, by the way.

Oh, no! No, I would...

I remember your eyes.

Because they are not the eyes of a student.

They're the eyes of an instructor.

- An instructor? - Stephanie,

I would like you to come join the Turner Champion team.

- You would? - Why wouldn't he?

You'd start at the Junior Champion level.

That would mean a fee of 25,000$.

But if you recruit five followers,

we knock $10,000 off the initiation fee.

But you... you said that money isn't the goal,

it's the obstacle in the way of the goal."

(The men laugh.)

- That is true... - Yeah.

...unless you want to buy an island

and are a few million dollars short

- like I am. - And I will loan you

that money if that's what you wanna do, Stephanie.

Is that what you'd like to do?

Um... Well...

Lots to think about!

Yes, I... I will let you know.

Okey dokey!

So, Stephanie,

is she single? 'Cause if she is,

- cut me off a slice. - Oh! Thank you so much

- for coming in, Turner. - (laugh)

Sorry I had to do that, sweetheart.

- I feel like such an idiot. - Oh, don't feel like an idiot.

There's a reason people like him are so successful.

- I mean, he is very good at what he does. - Yeah...

But so are you. By the way his real name?

Melvin Scrutch.

- So, do you forgive me? - Yes.

- You were looking out for me. - Yeah.

And Turner says: "Forgiveness forgives

what forgetting forgets."

And what the hell does that mean?

I don't even know.

Gordon, I cannot be your emergency contact.

I just don't feel the same way about you

as you feel about me.

Almost there, just need a few more tears.

Oh!

Flibbertigibbets!

It's not that bad - it's not that bad - it's not that bad...

Oh God...

Gordon?

Don't worry, the paramedics are on their way.

I've given them all your health information, your blood type,

your social insurance number, it's gonna be fine.

- How did you know all of that? - You think I'd ask you to be

my emergency contact without reading your confidential file?

What kind of person do you think I am?

I'd say you are the perfect person

to be my emergency contact. Would you do me the honor?

- Sure, Bryce. - Where it says:

'relationship to me', put: 'best friends forever'.

If only there was a shorter way to say that.

Hm... Oh, Gordon,

my heart feels like it's falling asleep again.

Of course, that could just be from blood loss.

- Ha ha ha! - Ah!

You can't take away the card, it's a black card!

And once you go black, you can Nev... Hello? Hello?

- Here. - What is it?

Uh, emergency contact form. Bryce just gave it to me.

You haven't filled it out and he said you better do it

or else... Plus, there's blood on it so I know

- he means business. - Oh...

Why, what's going on?

I guess... it's stupid, but I...

I used to put Graham's name, but since we broke up...

I... I don't know.

Ah, come on, man! What? It's not stupid.

It makes perfect sense. That's why you were buying me

all this stuff because you weren't ready to let go.

I should know when you break out your $800 socks.

Yeah!

You're right.

- Thanks for understanding. - OK, I need everyone

out of the way, we've got an angel down!

Best friend down!

Look, dude, I know being single can suck.

God knows I've been there plenty of times.

But you're strong, you know, you'll bounce back.

There's never been an instance you haven't landed on your feet.

- Have we met before? - You're Nelson Abrams,

when have you ever not landed on yo...

Ha ha ha! That's great! Right, that's good.

Bro!

Do, do... do another one, do another one.

Just one more, come on, please.

OK. Let the negative opinions

of others be the plutonium

in your self-affirmation bomb.

- Ha ha! - Huh!?

Good!

What the hell does that even mean?

Go into the desert and ask the universe.

That's what I always tell people.

- (Dave speaks incomprehensibly) - Can you believe

that people lap this crap up?

Really, I know! I know, it's amazing.

I am a high school dropout!

- No! - I still say 'libary'.

I do. Oh! God! That's right.

- What? What? What? What? - I've got to go.

I've got to be up early, uh...

I'm-a going to be speaking

at the 'libary' of congress.

- Ha ha! That is awesome! - Oh yes!

Good eve to you, good sir.

Mm!

Ah! Abby, You've got all that?

Yup. Wow! That guy really had it coming.

Yes, he did.

"Cut me off a slice!"

Subtitle sync and corrections by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.

- (laughing): Sorry! - (laughs from the crew)

- Back to "yummy booze"? - But I'm still standing

- at that point. - You don't want to get up!

Raymond Burr had a wheelchair written into HIS show!

(laughs)

I'll do it but I won't walk.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0