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This is the story of two sisters,
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00:00:05,505 --> 00:00:08,007
Jessica Tate
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00:00:08,008 --> 00:00:10,009
and Mary Campbell.
4
00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:13,512
These are the Tates,
5
00:00:13,513 --> 00:00:17,516
and these are the Campbells.
6
00:00:17,517 --> 00:00:20,019
And this is Soap.
7
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So my friends,
if we do not strike immediately,
8
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the Communists will destroy us.
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00:00:48,615 --> 00:00:53,118
If we do not attack now,
Malaguay will be lost forever.
10
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Now, I say attack.
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Vaya, vaya!Yo, tambien.
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Marina del Rey.
13
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We must squash them
before they squash us.
14
00:01:02,128 --> 00:01:04,129
They already squashed us,
remember?
15
00:01:04,130 --> 00:01:05,130
Juan...
16
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We were squashed pretty good
17
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like a bug on a screen door,
18
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like a rat in a trap,
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like grapes under
an Italian widow's feet.
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Have you finished, Juan One?
21
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Oh, s?.
22
00:01:16,643 --> 00:01:18,143
Oh, good.
23
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The point is, they are after me
and I must strike first
24
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or I will never strike at all.
25
00:01:24,150 --> 00:01:28,153
I said those very words
to Winston Churchill.
26
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"Pudge," I said...
27
00:01:30,156 --> 00:01:32,658
I was the only one who could
call him Pudge.
28
00:01:32,659 --> 00:01:33,659
Excuse me Major...
29
00:01:33,660 --> 00:01:35,661
"Puffy," I said...
30
00:01:35,662 --> 00:01:37,229
I also called him Puffy.
31
00:01:37,230 --> 00:01:38,730
Uh, Gramps...
32
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I also called him Harriet,
but I can't remember why.
33
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I do not understand,
O hog of hogs.
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What is this
about your last chance?
35
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I'm afraid the word is out,
O beloved Juan One.
36
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The Communists are after me.
37
00:01:55,748 --> 00:01:59,251
Yes. They may already be here
in Connecticut.
38
00:01:59,252 --> 00:02:00,252
I am a marked man.
39
00:02:00,253 --> 00:02:02,254
No, is not true.
40
00:02:02,255 --> 00:02:06,258
Assassinate El Puerco?
They cannot, they must not.
41
00:02:06,259 --> 00:02:08,760
Oh, curse of curses.
42
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Oh, horror of horrors.
43
00:02:09,762 --> 00:02:10,762
Oh, waiter,
44
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a pi?a colada.
45
00:02:16,269 --> 00:02:18,270
Hey, big guy. Hey, everybody,
big guy is here.
46
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Hey, how do you do, big guy?
47
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Billy, what is this?
48
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A note.
49
00:02:22,775 --> 00:02:25,277
I see that it's a note Billy.
It's in Spanish.
50
00:02:25,278 --> 00:02:27,279
Why did you write me
an urgent note in Spanish?
51
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All I could make out
is Malaguay revolution.
52
00:02:29,782 --> 00:02:31,783
Why didn't you just tell me
in English?
53
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You'll get mad in English.
54
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Uh, Uncle Chester
maybe Bob can translate.
55
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Yeah, huh, yeah, ah, yeah.
56
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"Dear Dad, I'm going to fight
the Communist regime
57
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"with El Puerco.
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"Together we can save the world
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"from this terrible disease
known as Communism.
60
00:02:49,802 --> 00:02:51,270
Love, Billy."
61
00:02:51,271 --> 00:02:53,772
Billy you're going to fight
a revolution?
62
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It's mostly paperwork.
63
00:02:55,275 --> 00:02:58,277
You're not going to fight
the Communists, that's final.
64
00:02:58,278 --> 00:02:59,278
But Dad...
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00:02:59,279 --> 00:03:01,280
I forbid you
to crawl through swamps
66
00:03:01,281 --> 00:03:03,782
and raid filthy little villages.
67
00:03:03,783 --> 00:03:05,785
Would it be okay if he
drove us to the airport?
68
00:03:08,288 --> 00:03:11,290
You. First you try
to steal my wife,
69
00:03:11,291 --> 00:03:12,791
then you tried to steal my son
70
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for your ridiculous revolution.
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00:03:14,294 --> 00:03:16,795
I want you out of our lives
this minute.
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I want you out of our house
and away from my wife, now!
73
00:03:19,799 --> 00:03:20,799
No.
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00:03:20,800 --> 00:03:22,301
Tuesday?
75
00:03:22,302 --> 00:03:25,804
Look, look we've got
a country to attack.
76
00:03:25,805 --> 00:03:27,306
This really doesn't concern you.
77
00:03:27,307 --> 00:03:29,308
Why don't you just take off
like a nice man, huh?
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Dog.
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00:03:30,810 --> 00:03:33,812
What did you call me?
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00:03:33,813 --> 00:03:36,816
Dog.
Double dog.
81
00:03:43,323 --> 00:03:47,827
You dare to call the pig a dog?
82
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No man has ever said
that to me and lived.
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00:03:53,333 --> 00:03:56,335
Dog, dog, dog.
84
00:03:56,336 --> 00:03:59,838
Oh, boy, did you say too much!
85
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Dog, dog, dog, dog, dog, dog.
86
00:04:00,840 --> 00:04:02,341
What're you gonna do about that?
87
00:04:02,342 --> 00:04:05,344
All right, big guy, hey!
That took a lot of nerve.
88
00:04:05,345 --> 00:04:07,846
I'm surprised he doesn't
challenge you to a duel.
89
00:04:07,847 --> 00:04:09,848
I'd never say nothing
like that to nobody
90
00:04:09,849 --> 00:04:11,850
who I thought might
challenge me to a duel.
91
00:04:11,851 --> 00:04:12,851
Dutch.
Hey, hey.
92
00:04:12,852 --> 00:04:14,353
What about it, El Puerco?
93
00:04:14,354 --> 00:04:16,355
Are you going to challenge
him to a duel?
94
00:04:16,356 --> 00:04:18,357
Or are you going to take
that crap sitting down?
95
00:04:18,358 --> 00:04:21,360
I challenge you to a duel.
96
00:04:21,361 --> 00:04:23,362
I knew it, I knew it.
97
00:04:23,363 --> 00:04:25,364
He challenged you
to a duel, big guy.
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Pistolas.
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00:04:27,367 --> 00:04:30,369
Fine, you've got it.
100
00:04:30,370 --> 00:04:32,371
Pistolas it is.
101
00:04:32,372 --> 00:04:33,872
Tomorrow.
Tomorrow.
102
00:04:33,873 --> 00:04:35,374
Tomorrow is bad.
Thursday is better.
103
00:04:35,375 --> 00:04:36,875
At dawn.
104
00:04:36,876 --> 00:04:39,879
Dawn? What do you think I am,
a farmer?
105
00:04:41,381 --> 00:04:42,882
I was thinking 11-ish.
106
00:04:44,884 --> 00:04:47,886
Dad, I really don't think
dueling is such a good idea.
107
00:04:47,887 --> 00:04:50,389
Don't worry about your old Dad,
son.
108
00:04:50,390 --> 00:04:54,893
I think it's only fair
to tell you, El Puerco,
109
00:04:54,894 --> 00:04:55,894
that I finished third
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00:04:55,895 --> 00:04:59,898
in the Dunn's River
handgun shoot for men, 1965.
111
00:04:59,899 --> 00:05:03,402
I can shoot the eye out of a fly
at 100 paces.
112
00:05:03,403 --> 00:05:06,905
Of course, we shouldn't
rule out swords.
113
00:05:06,906 --> 00:05:08,907
I've won various
fencing tournaments
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00:05:08,908 --> 00:05:10,909
since I was 3 years old.
115
00:05:10,910 --> 00:05:12,911
Do you think you can make
a fool out of me
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in front of my family?
117
00:05:14,914 --> 00:05:17,416
Oh, anywhere, actually.
118
00:05:18,418 --> 00:05:23,923
Pistols it is,
Thursday, 11 sharp.
119
00:05:39,439 --> 00:05:41,440
And so, in conclusion,
120
00:05:41,441 --> 00:05:43,942
I say to you esteemed senators
of these United States,
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00:05:43,943 --> 00:05:50,449
what will save America,
is a safe America.
122
00:05:52,952 --> 00:05:54,953
Good night.
Good night.
123
00:05:57,457 --> 00:06:00,459
All right, so, what did
you think? It was dramatic?
124
00:06:00,460 --> 00:06:02,861
I can see you're speechless,
but it's okay, come on.
125
00:06:02,862 --> 00:06:04,830
You were moved, is that right?
Nod your head.
126
00:06:04,831 --> 00:06:06,331
Be honest.
127
00:06:06,332 --> 00:06:09,334
Well, I was bored, actually.
128
00:06:09,335 --> 00:06:11,336
Bored?
129
00:06:11,337 --> 00:06:13,338
You were bored?
130
00:06:13,339 --> 00:06:14,840
You wanted me to be honest,
sheriff.
131
00:06:14,841 --> 00:06:17,843
I think the speech
could use a few jokes.
132
00:06:17,844 --> 00:06:19,845
I'm about to address the senate
of these United States
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00:06:19,846 --> 00:06:21,346
and this guy suggests jokes.
134
00:06:21,347 --> 00:06:22,347
If they wanted jokes,
135
00:06:22,348 --> 00:06:24,349
they would've asked
Henny Youngman to speak.
136
00:06:24,350 --> 00:06:25,851
Sit down,
we'll start this again.
137
00:06:28,855 --> 00:06:29,855
Hi.
138
00:06:29,856 --> 00:06:32,357
Hi! Oh, hey, Jess.
139
00:06:32,358 --> 00:06:33,859
May I come in?
140
00:06:33,860 --> 00:06:35,861
Oh, yeah, I'm sorry,
yeah, sure, come on in here.
141
00:06:35,862 --> 00:06:38,363
Wait a minute, wait a minute,
how did you get by security?
142
00:06:38,364 --> 00:06:39,865
Security?
143
00:06:39,866 --> 00:06:42,367
Perkins, why aren't
you out there?
144
00:06:42,368 --> 00:06:44,369
You wanted me
to listen to your speech.
145
00:06:44,370 --> 00:06:46,371
Why didn't you get Leon
to standby for you?
146
00:06:46,372 --> 00:06:47,873
Leon had to go to the dentist.
147
00:06:47,874 --> 00:06:49,875
He was eating
a Bit-O-Honey bar
148
00:06:49,876 --> 00:06:52,377
and the caps came off
his front teeth
149
00:06:52,378 --> 00:06:54,379
and he was walking around
with these little spikes.
150
00:06:54,380 --> 00:06:59,384
That happened to me one time,
it was so embarrassing.
151
00:06:59,385 --> 00:07:00,886
Thank you, Perkins, you can go.
152
00:07:00,887 --> 00:07:02,387
But it's good for corn, though.
153
00:07:02,388 --> 00:07:03,388
Corn?
154
00:07:03,389 --> 00:07:04,389
Yeah, Perkins, you can go.
155
00:07:04,390 --> 00:07:06,892
For eating corn on the cob,
those little spikes...
156
00:07:06,893 --> 00:07:10,395
Oh, what a wonderful idea.
157
00:07:10,396 --> 00:07:12,898
Corn's out of season.
158
00:07:12,899 --> 00:07:16,401
Perkins, would you go?
159
00:07:16,402 --> 00:07:17,402
Yes, sir.
160
00:07:17,403 --> 00:07:18,904
Now?
161
00:07:18,905 --> 00:07:19,905
Now.
162
00:07:21,407 --> 00:07:22,908
Here. Here.
163
00:07:26,913 --> 00:07:28,413
Uh, what's up?
164
00:07:28,414 --> 00:07:33,418
Oh, Burt, I cannot tell you
what a thrill it is
165
00:07:33,419 --> 00:07:35,420
for me to see you in the flesh.
166
00:07:35,421 --> 00:07:37,923
Jess, come on.
167
00:07:37,924 --> 00:07:38,924
Oh, no. I mean it.
168
00:07:38,925 --> 00:07:40,425
I mean you're you, of course,
169
00:07:40,426 --> 00:07:41,927
and you always have been you,
170
00:07:41,928 --> 00:07:43,929
but I mean, now that I see
you on television,
171
00:07:43,930 --> 00:07:45,931
you are a little different
than you were,
172
00:07:45,932 --> 00:07:47,432
even though you're not.
173
00:07:47,433 --> 00:07:50,435
I know what
you're talking about.
174
00:07:50,436 --> 00:07:52,437
To tell you the truth,
now, you may not believe this,
175
00:07:52,438 --> 00:07:54,940
but sometimes, when I look
at myself in the mirror,
176
00:07:54,941 --> 00:07:59,444
I'm overwhelmed that I am
in the same room with me.
177
00:07:59,445 --> 00:08:02,447
Of course.
Do you know what?
178
00:08:02,448 --> 00:08:05,951
I saw you last week
on Phil Donahue's show.
179
00:08:05,952 --> 00:08:07,953
Yeah, oh, yeah.
180
00:08:07,954 --> 00:08:11,456
What's he really like?
He's so cute.
181
00:08:11,457 --> 00:08:14,459
Nice guy, good head of hair.
182
00:08:14,460 --> 00:08:16,461
You know, I watch him every day,
183
00:08:16,462 --> 00:08:20,465
and I never hear a word he says,
because he's so adorable.
184
00:08:20,466 --> 00:08:23,468
I bet Marlo sits across from him
at breakfast and thinks,
185
00:08:23,469 --> 00:08:27,973
"My God, that's Phil Donahue!"
186
00:08:27,974 --> 00:08:30,976
And he probably
looks at her and thinks,
187
00:08:30,977 --> 00:08:34,980
"My God, that's Marlo Thomas
I'm with."
188
00:08:34,981 --> 00:08:37,482
And the two of them never say
a word to each other,
189
00:08:37,483 --> 00:08:39,985
because, I mean, they're just
so knocked out by it all.
190
00:08:39,986 --> 00:08:44,489
Then they get a divorce because
there's no communication.
191
00:08:44,490 --> 00:08:47,993
It's a shame, because
they seem like a nice couple.
192
00:08:47,994 --> 00:08:49,494
Wait, wait, wait, wait, Jessica.
193
00:08:49,495 --> 00:08:51,496
Did you come in here for
something in particular?
194
00:08:51,497 --> 00:08:53,498
Oh, yes, Burt, I did.
195
00:08:53,499 --> 00:08:56,501
Burt, I am watching one of the
best marriages in the world
196
00:08:56,502 --> 00:08:59,004
being destroyed,
and it breaks my heart.
197
00:08:59,005 --> 00:09:00,505
Jessica,
Phil and Marlo are fine,
198
00:09:00,506 --> 00:09:03,008
their marriage is terrific, you
have nothing to worry about.
199
00:09:03,009 --> 00:09:08,013
Burt, not their marriage,
your marriage.
200
00:09:08,014 --> 00:09:10,516
Yeah, well,
that's another story.
201
00:09:12,018 --> 00:09:17,022
You see, Burt, your marriage
has always been so special,
202
00:09:17,023 --> 00:09:19,524
that I just hate to see it
in a bad way,
203
00:09:19,525 --> 00:09:25,030
and I want to make one little
suggestion, Burt, huh?
204
00:09:25,031 --> 00:09:27,532
What about therapy?
205
00:09:27,533 --> 00:09:32,537
Therapy?
206
00:09:32,538 --> 00:09:35,040
What you mean... You mean...
You mean, a shrink?
207
00:09:35,041 --> 00:09:37,042
Burt, there are
an awful lot of good ones
208
00:09:37,043 --> 00:09:38,543
that work with couples.
209
00:09:38,544 --> 00:09:41,546
I hate shrinks. Guys who get
paid to sit there and nod
210
00:09:41,547 --> 00:09:44,549
and blame your mother.
211
00:09:44,550 --> 00:09:46,551
Burt, I'm not sure
that they blame anyone,
212
00:09:46,552 --> 00:09:51,056
but what they help couples do
is focus on their problems.
213
00:09:51,057 --> 00:09:53,058
That's what's wrong
with this world today,
214
00:09:53,059 --> 00:09:55,060
everybody is focusing,
they all focus.
215
00:09:55,061 --> 00:09:57,062
They're focusing
on marriages everywhere.
216
00:09:57,063 --> 00:09:59,064
In newspapers, magazines,
on television,
217
00:09:59,065 --> 00:10:00,565
in the movies.
I'll tell you something,
218
00:10:00,566 --> 00:10:03,068
I'm so sick of watching
Jill Clayburgh's marriages
219
00:10:03,069 --> 00:10:05,071
go down the drain,
I can't tell you.
220
00:10:06,572 --> 00:10:09,574
And that's what comes from this
divorce.
221
00:10:09,575 --> 00:10:13,578
In the olden days, they had
other things they did...
222
00:10:13,579 --> 00:10:16,081
like walking.
223
00:10:16,082 --> 00:10:19,084
Walking?
224
00:10:19,085 --> 00:10:21,086
Yeah, nobody had a car,
everybody just...
225
00:10:21,087 --> 00:10:23,088
They walked around
all over the place.
226
00:10:23,089 --> 00:10:24,089
They walked for hours every day,
227
00:10:24,090 --> 00:10:25,590
and their marriages
were terrific.
228
00:10:25,591 --> 00:10:29,094
Somehow or another I don't think
that will help here.
229
00:10:29,095 --> 00:10:32,097
I don't think walking
is the answer.
230
00:10:32,098 --> 00:10:34,099
A shrink's not the answer
either, I'll tell you that.
231
00:10:34,100 --> 00:10:35,600
Well,
232
00:10:35,601 --> 00:10:38,603
what do you think
will help, Burt?
233
00:10:38,604 --> 00:10:40,105
I don't know, I...
234
00:10:40,106 --> 00:10:43,608
Maybe nothing can help
Mary and me.
235
00:10:43,609 --> 00:10:48,113
Jessica, I got to get...
I got things to do. Excuse me.
236
00:10:58,624 --> 00:10:59,624
Oh, no!
237
00:10:59,625 --> 00:11:00,625
Oh, God!
238
00:11:00,626 --> 00:11:01,626
Oh, jeez!
239
00:11:01,627 --> 00:11:02,627
Oh, why!
240
00:11:02,628 --> 00:11:03,628
I don't believe this.
241
00:11:03,629 --> 00:11:05,130
Oh, this is terrible!
242
00:11:05,131 --> 00:11:07,132
Should we turn on the lights?
243
00:11:07,133 --> 00:11:09,634
I think eventually
we're gonna have to.
244
00:11:09,635 --> 00:11:11,136
I guess you're right.
245
00:11:15,641 --> 00:11:18,643
This is the worst thing
I ever did.
246
00:11:18,644 --> 00:11:19,644
Oh, me too!
247
00:11:19,645 --> 00:11:21,646
Absolutely the most horrible,
248
00:11:21,647 --> 00:11:23,148
miserable thing
that ever happened.
249
00:11:23,149 --> 00:11:24,149
It was shocking.
250
00:11:24,150 --> 00:11:25,150
It was great.
251
00:11:25,151 --> 00:11:27,152
The best.
252
00:11:27,153 --> 00:11:30,155
It would be okay
if it wasn't so great,
253
00:11:30,156 --> 00:11:32,657
but it was great,
so this is really terrible.
254
00:11:32,658 --> 00:11:35,160
Why did it have to be
so terrific?
255
00:11:35,161 --> 00:11:36,661
I don't need this.
256
00:11:36,662 --> 00:11:38,663
If it wouldn't have been
so terrific,
257
00:11:38,664 --> 00:11:39,664
I could have just said,
258
00:11:39,665 --> 00:11:42,167
"Well, that wasn't so terrific."
259
00:11:42,168 --> 00:11:44,002
But it was terrific,
260
00:11:44,003 --> 00:11:46,438
so now, I don't know
what to say, other than,
261
00:11:46,439 --> 00:11:48,440
"I'd like to do it again."
262
00:11:48,441 --> 00:11:49,441
Danny.
263
00:11:49,442 --> 00:11:50,942
Oh, my God!
264
00:11:50,943 --> 00:11:51,943
What am I saying?
265
00:11:51,944 --> 00:11:54,946
What kind of an animal am I?
266
00:11:54,947 --> 00:11:57,949
I just made it
with my stepmother.
267
00:11:57,950 --> 00:12:01,953
Gee, I wish you
hadn't said that.
268
00:12:01,954 --> 00:12:05,958
We've committed inquest.
269
00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:11,963
Danny, that's "incest,"
and we did not commit incest.
270
00:12:11,964 --> 00:12:15,967
We committed filth,
but we didn't commit incest.
271
00:12:15,968 --> 00:12:17,469
Incest is with your own blood.
272
00:12:17,470 --> 00:12:20,972
What if Chester came
through that door right now
273
00:12:20,973 --> 00:12:21,973
and found us in bed?
274
00:12:21,974 --> 00:12:22,974
Oh!
275
00:12:22,975 --> 00:12:24,476
My own father
276
00:12:24,477 --> 00:12:26,478
finds his son
in bed with his wife,
277
00:12:26,479 --> 00:12:28,980
who's my mother.
278
00:12:28,981 --> 00:12:31,983
I am not your mother!
Would you quit saying that?
279
00:12:31,984 --> 00:12:33,985
You make me feel old.
280
00:12:33,986 --> 00:12:37,489
All right, you're gonna have
to face some facts right now.
281
00:12:37,490 --> 00:12:39,991
First of all,
you are my stepmother,
282
00:12:39,992 --> 00:12:42,494
but you're not old.
283
00:12:42,495 --> 00:12:44,996
You're young and beautiful
284
00:12:44,997 --> 00:12:48,466
and gorgeous and soft
and you smell nice.
285
00:12:48,467 --> 00:12:51,469
And even if you were old,
you'd still be beautiful.
286
00:12:51,470 --> 00:12:54,472
Because beauty is not
in the eye of the beholder,
287
00:12:54,473 --> 00:12:56,975
it's in your face.
288
00:12:56,976 --> 00:13:00,478
You got a great face.
289
00:13:00,479 --> 00:13:01,980
I do?
290
00:13:04,984 --> 00:13:07,986
I think we better just forget
this ever happened.
291
00:13:07,987 --> 00:13:09,487
Fine.
292
00:13:09,488 --> 00:13:11,489
It happened. Okay.
293
00:13:11,490 --> 00:13:14,993
We can't take that back,
but it's over and that's that.
294
00:13:14,994 --> 00:13:16,494
I agree.
295
00:13:16,495 --> 00:13:17,996
And we'll never
mention it again.
296
00:13:17,997 --> 00:13:19,998
Fine.
297
00:13:19,999 --> 00:13:22,500
We'll just do it once more,
and that's that.
298
00:13:33,078 --> 00:13:34,579
Thank you.
Mm-hm.
299
00:13:34,580 --> 00:13:38,082
It was very nice of you
to call me, Mary.
300
00:13:38,083 --> 00:13:41,085
Well, I thought since you
and Jodie were planning on
301
00:13:41,086 --> 00:13:43,588
tying the knot, it would be nice
if we had a little chat.
302
00:13:43,589 --> 00:13:48,092
You know, I haven't seen Jodie
since he started his therapy.
303
00:13:48,093 --> 00:13:49,093
How's he doing?
304
00:13:49,094 --> 00:13:52,597
Oh, fine, fine, just fine.
Right, Chuck?
305
00:13:52,598 --> 00:13:54,098
Oh, yeah, yeah, fine.
306
00:13:54,099 --> 00:13:57,602
Yeah, you'd hardly
recognize him. Ha, ha, ha!
307
00:13:57,603 --> 00:13:59,103
Oh? In what way?
308
00:13:59,104 --> 00:14:01,105
Oh, he's an entirely
different person.
309
00:14:02,608 --> 00:14:05,610
Is he home now?
310
00:14:05,611 --> 00:14:07,612
Oh, yes.
He'll be down in a minute.
311
00:14:07,613 --> 00:14:10,114
Maggie, I think
there's something
312
00:14:10,115 --> 00:14:12,116
you should be made aware of.
313
00:14:12,117 --> 00:14:16,120
Just a gigolo Everywhere I go...
314
00:14:16,121 --> 00:14:18,122
What was that?
315
00:14:18,123 --> 00:14:20,124
What?
316
00:14:20,125 --> 00:14:21,626
Are you going
to tell her or not?
317
00:14:21,627 --> 00:14:24,128
Mary, please tell me.
318
00:14:24,129 --> 00:14:27,131
Jodie is... not Jodie.
319
00:14:27,132 --> 00:14:31,302
Jodie is... an old Jewish man.
320
00:14:34,373 --> 00:14:40,879
Mary, if you don't want me
to marry your son,
321
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:42,380
you just come right out
and tell me.
322
00:14:42,381 --> 00:14:44,549
Maggie...
323
00:14:44,550 --> 00:14:45,617
It's only a paper moon
324
00:14:45,618 --> 00:14:48,620
Sailing over A cardboard sea
325
00:14:48,621 --> 00:14:50,622
But it wouldn't be
Make-believe
326
00:14:50,623 --> 00:14:52,624
If you believed in me
327
00:14:52,625 --> 00:14:54,626
Dat, dah, dah, dah, dah
328
00:14:54,627 --> 00:14:58,129
Dat, dat, dat, dat
Dat, dat, dah, yeah
329
00:14:58,130 --> 00:14:59,631
Dah, dah...
330
00:14:59,632 --> 00:15:01,633
Oh, my God.
331
00:15:01,634 --> 00:15:03,635
Hey, Chuck-aly
and Bob-aly.
332
00:15:08,641 --> 00:15:09,641
I got a little gas.
333
00:15:09,642 --> 00:15:11,142
Oh, yeah.
334
00:15:11,143 --> 00:15:12,644
Julius.
335
00:15:12,645 --> 00:15:14,646
Oy, the Rockette.
336
00:15:14,647 --> 00:15:17,148
Hi, Elaine, what's cooking?
337
00:15:17,149 --> 00:15:19,150
Oh, my God!
338
00:15:19,151 --> 00:15:22,153
Julius, say hello to Maggie.
339
00:15:22,154 --> 00:15:23,488
A redhead.
340
00:15:23,489 --> 00:15:25,990
Woof!
341
00:15:25,991 --> 00:15:28,993
You want to go out.
342
00:15:28,994 --> 00:15:30,995
Bobby, lend me a bisel gelt.
343
00:15:30,996 --> 00:15:32,497
Gornisht.
344
00:15:32,498 --> 00:15:34,499
Oh, my God!
345
00:15:34,500 --> 00:15:37,502
This is your fianc?e, remember?
346
00:15:37,503 --> 00:15:40,505
You and she are going
to get married.
347
00:15:40,506 --> 00:15:43,508
The redhead wants to marry me?
348
00:15:43,509 --> 00:15:45,511
I'll put on a tie.
349
00:15:46,512 --> 00:15:48,513
No, Jodie...
Uh, Julius.
350
00:15:48,514 --> 00:15:49,514
What?
351
00:15:49,515 --> 00:15:51,516
Please, sit down for a bit.
352
00:15:51,517 --> 00:15:53,519
I'll be there in a half an hour.
353
00:15:57,022 --> 00:15:59,524
Get acquainted.
354
00:16:02,528 --> 00:16:04,529
You Jewish?
355
00:16:04,530 --> 00:16:06,531
What happened to him?
356
00:16:06,532 --> 00:16:08,032
Hypnosis.
357
00:16:08,033 --> 00:16:09,534
He got stuck in a past life,
358
00:16:09,535 --> 00:16:12,036
he thinks he's
Julius Kassendorf.
359
00:16:12,037 --> 00:16:16,040
Maggie, I'm supposed
to marry you?
360
00:16:16,041 --> 00:16:18,109
Did we get in trouble?
361
00:16:18,110 --> 00:16:21,179
No, no, no, not at all.
362
00:16:21,180 --> 00:16:23,682
Is there any possibility
we could?
363
00:16:25,484 --> 00:16:27,986
Boys, I think that
maybe we should leave
364
00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:30,488
Julius and Maggie alone to talk.
365
00:16:30,489 --> 00:16:34,492
Ah, yeah, yeah, good idea,
good idea, leave us alone.
366
00:16:34,493 --> 00:16:36,494
Good, good. We need anything,
we'll call.
367
00:16:36,495 --> 00:16:38,763
Goodbye, good luck.
368
00:16:39,832 --> 00:16:42,834
You want me to make you
a little cocktail?
369
00:16:42,835 --> 00:16:44,836
Oh, no, thank you.
370
00:16:44,837 --> 00:16:45,837
Bobby.
371
00:16:45,838 --> 00:16:46,838
Boss.
372
00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:49,841
Eh, make me a whiskey mit soda.
373
00:16:49,842 --> 00:16:51,343
Okey-dokey.
374
00:16:52,845 --> 00:16:54,346
He's a nice boy.
375
00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:58,350
He's made out of wood, you know.
376
00:17:00,352 --> 00:17:01,853
Oh, Jodie!
377
00:17:01,854 --> 00:17:04,356
But he doesn't have
all his organs.
378
00:17:05,357 --> 00:17:07,358
Now, let's go take a nap.
379
00:17:07,359 --> 00:17:12,864
Jodie, listen, can we just sit
down here for a little while?
380
00:17:12,865 --> 00:17:13,865
Why not?
381
00:17:13,866 --> 00:17:15,867
Sitting is nice.
382
00:17:15,868 --> 00:17:17,869
I like sitting.
383
00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:23,875
Sitting is very good.
I love sitting.
384
00:17:23,876 --> 00:17:25,878
That's enough sitting,
let's smooch.
385
00:17:27,379 --> 00:17:30,381
Jodie.
386
00:17:30,382 --> 00:17:33,384
Don't you remember me at all?
387
00:17:33,385 --> 00:17:34,886
No.
388
00:17:34,887 --> 00:17:39,390
I'm sorry.
I wish I did.
389
00:17:39,391 --> 00:17:42,894
You seem like a nice person.
390
00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:45,897
I've been confusing
a lot of people lately
391
00:17:45,898 --> 00:17:49,400
and I don't wish to confuse you.
392
00:17:49,401 --> 00:17:56,908
I like you, and I wish
I didn't make you so unhappy.
393
00:17:56,909 --> 00:18:01,412
Well, I wish you would
come back again, Jodie.
394
00:18:01,413 --> 00:18:04,415
I wish you would remember.
395
00:18:04,416 --> 00:18:08,419
Maybe if I held you
a little bit, it might help.
396
00:18:08,420 --> 00:18:10,422
Yeah.
397
00:18:15,427 --> 00:18:16,428
Here.
398
00:18:17,429 --> 00:18:19,931
Oh, yeah.
399
00:18:21,934 --> 00:18:23,936
Something's happening.
400
00:18:26,939 --> 00:18:32,945
Hey, it's getting clearer.
It's getting clearer. It's...
401
00:18:33,946 --> 00:18:36,949
No, nothing.
402
00:18:38,951 --> 00:18:40,952
Maybe if I held you
a little closer,
403
00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:43,956
and give you a peckle
on the cheek.
404
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:50,462
Yeah, yeah.
405
00:18:52,297 --> 00:18:54,299
I'm remembering nice now.
406
00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:56,801
Oh, Jodie!
407
00:18:56,802 --> 00:18:59,304
Maybe if you talk dirty
for a little while.
408
00:19:08,981 --> 00:19:11,983
And so this is no longer
the America of our childhood,
409
00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:14,986
of unlocked doors,
and walks on a summer night.
410
00:19:14,987 --> 00:19:16,487
This is a country at war.
411
00:19:16,488 --> 00:19:18,990
A country where
we are no longer safe.
412
00:19:18,991 --> 00:19:21,492
Not only in our streets,
but in our own homes.
413
00:19:21,493 --> 00:19:24,495
And that's because the criminals
are taking over.
414
00:19:24,496 --> 00:19:26,998
And these criminals,
415
00:19:26,999 --> 00:19:29,500
they're not afraid
of the police or the courts.
416
00:19:29,501 --> 00:19:32,503
So who's left to stop them?
417
00:19:32,504 --> 00:19:35,506
The citizens.
418
00:19:35,507 --> 00:19:39,010
Always the last resort,
the American citizens.
419
00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:42,513
We must not give in.
We must not let them take over.
420
00:19:42,514 --> 00:19:45,016
We must once again
have a country
421
00:19:45,017 --> 00:19:46,517
where we do walk home
on a summer night
422
00:19:46,518 --> 00:19:48,019
and sleep with the windows open,
423
00:19:48,020 --> 00:19:50,521
and not be afraid.
424
00:19:54,026 --> 00:19:55,526
Thank you, Sheriff Campbell.
425
00:19:55,527 --> 00:19:58,029
We are now open for questions
from the floor.
426
00:19:58,030 --> 00:19:59,530
Senator Cott of New York.
427
00:19:59,531 --> 00:20:01,032
Thank you,
Mr. Chairman.
428
00:20:01,033 --> 00:20:02,533
Are you suggesting,
Sheriff Campbell,
429
00:20:02,534 --> 00:20:04,035
that we arm every citizen?
430
00:20:04,036 --> 00:20:05,536
Because if you are,
431
00:20:05,537 --> 00:20:07,038
I'm afraid we're gonna
have to be afraid
432
00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:09,040
Shooting each other.
433
00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:12,043
No, I'm not talking about,
"Everybody should get a gun."
434
00:20:12,044 --> 00:20:15,046
All I'm saying is that
we have to be one, aware,
435
00:20:15,047 --> 00:20:17,048
and two, ready to defend.
436
00:20:17,049 --> 00:20:19,050
And that doesn't
have to be a gun,
437
00:20:19,051 --> 00:20:21,552
it could be
self-defense classes, tear gas,
438
00:20:21,553 --> 00:20:22,553
dogs,
439
00:20:22,554 --> 00:20:25,056
bats.
440
00:20:25,057 --> 00:20:28,492
Which, by the way,
I now manufacture.
441
00:20:28,493 --> 00:20:29,994
Senator Golderow of Oregon.
442
00:20:29,995 --> 00:20:31,495
You're manufacturing bats?
443
00:20:31,496 --> 00:20:32,997
Yes, sir.
444
00:20:32,998 --> 00:20:37,501
It's the Bat Campbell bat.
It's one-size-hits-all.
445
00:20:37,502 --> 00:20:40,004
That's a major concern
to me, sheriff,
446
00:20:40,005 --> 00:20:42,006
because if you want bats
for everyone,
447
00:20:42,007 --> 00:20:43,507
then let me assure you
448
00:20:43,508 --> 00:20:46,510
there will not be
one tree left in America.
449
00:20:46,511 --> 00:20:50,514
You will eliminate shade, and we
will all die from sunstroke.
450
00:20:50,515 --> 00:20:54,018
Which is far less pleasant
than being murdered.
451
00:20:54,019 --> 00:20:56,520
No, sir. I don't think we're
all gonna die from sunstroke.
452
00:20:56,521 --> 00:20:59,023
Not to mention, of course,
the birds.
453
00:20:59,024 --> 00:21:01,525
The birds?
454
00:21:01,526 --> 00:21:04,028
Where will the birds live?
455
00:21:04,029 --> 00:21:07,531
And then the birds die,
and you got a worm problem.
456
00:21:07,532 --> 00:21:09,033
We'll have worms everywhere...
457
00:21:09,034 --> 00:21:10,534
Mr. Chairman.
458
00:21:10,535 --> 00:21:11,535
Will the senator from Oregon
459
00:21:11,536 --> 00:21:13,537
yield to the senator
from New York?
460
00:21:13,538 --> 00:21:17,541
Senator, I appreciate your
concern for birds and worms,
461
00:21:17,542 --> 00:21:20,044
but I'm more concerned
about people.
462
00:21:20,045 --> 00:21:22,046
I don't think
increasing violence
463
00:21:22,047 --> 00:21:24,049
is the answer
to increased violence.
464
00:21:26,051 --> 00:21:28,552
Senator Laughton of Alabama.
Thank you, Mr. Chairman.
465
00:21:28,553 --> 00:21:32,556
I wish to refute what my liberal
pinko colleague
466
00:21:32,557 --> 00:21:36,060
from the great intellectual
state of New York just said.
467
00:21:36,061 --> 00:21:40,064
Killing is as American
as apple pie.
468
00:21:40,065 --> 00:21:43,000
We have to kill to live.
469
00:21:43,001 --> 00:21:46,504
If you're sick of being killed,
you kill first.
470
00:21:46,505 --> 00:21:48,873
Nothing wrong with killing,
471
00:21:48,874 --> 00:21:51,876
as long as you kill
the right person.
472
00:21:51,877 --> 00:21:54,879
Well, it seems we're out
of time, gentlemen.
473
00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:56,881
Sheriff Campbell,
is there anything
474
00:21:56,882 --> 00:21:58,382
you wish to say in closing?
475
00:21:58,383 --> 00:22:01,886
Uh, yes, sir. I just want to say
that with a little work
476
00:22:01,887 --> 00:22:04,388
we can make this country
safe again.
477
00:22:04,389 --> 00:22:07,892
All that's needed here
is awareness, which we now have,
478
00:22:07,893 --> 00:22:09,894
and action,
which we're soon going to take.
479
00:22:09,895 --> 00:22:12,396
And I want to thank you
very much for being here.
480
00:22:12,397 --> 00:22:14,899
It's an honor and a privilege,
and I thank you very much.
481
00:22:14,900 --> 00:22:16,400
Thank you, Sheriff Campbell.
482
00:22:16,401 --> 00:22:17,902
This hearing is adjourned.
483
00:22:17,903 --> 00:22:21,406
Listen, I got the Bat Campbell
bat for everybody over here.
484
00:22:22,407 --> 00:22:23,908
There you go, sir.
485
00:22:23,909 --> 00:22:25,843
Campbell's getting
too dangerous now.
486
00:22:25,844 --> 00:22:27,845
It's time to kill him.
487
00:22:35,921 --> 00:22:38,889
Now that Danny and
Annie are more than just friends,
488
00:22:38,890 --> 00:22:40,391
will they go for brokeand fall in love?
489
00:22:40,392 --> 00:22:42,893
Or play it safeand just play around.
490
00:22:42,894 --> 00:22:45,396
Will Jodie ever becomeJodie again?
491
00:22:45,397 --> 00:22:47,398
And if not, will Maggie convert?
492
00:22:47,399 --> 00:22:50,401
Who will win the duel,Chester or El?
493
00:22:50,402 --> 00:22:51,902
And what about Burt?
494
00:22:51,903 --> 00:22:53,904
Will his fame cost him his life?
495
00:22:53,905 --> 00:22:55,906
These questions and many others
496
00:22:55,907 --> 00:22:58,910
will be answeredin the next episode of Soap.
497
00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:03,510
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