Original subtitles

This is the story of two sisters,

Jessica Tate

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates,

and these are the Campbells.

And this is Soap.

So my friends, if we do not strike immediately,

the Communists will destroy us.

If we do not attack now, Malaguay will be lost forever.

Now, I say attack.

Vaya, vaya! Yo, tambien.

Marina del Rey.

We must squash them before they squash us.

They already squashed us, remember?

Juan...

We were squashed pretty good

like a bug on a screen door,

like a rat in a trap,

like grapes under an Italian widow's feet.

Have you finished, Juan One?

Oh, s?.

Oh, good.

The point is, they are after me and I must strike first

or I will never strike at all.

I said those very words to Winston Churchill.

"Pudge," I said...

I was the only one who could call him Pudge.

Excuse me Major...

"Puffy," I said...

I also called him Puffy.

Uh, Gramps...

I also called him Harriet, but I can't remember why.

I do not understand, O hog of hogs.

What is this about your last chance?

I'm afraid the word is out, O beloved Juan One.

The Communists are after me.

Yes. They may already be here in Connecticut.

I am a marked man.

No, is not true.

Assassinate El Puerco? They cannot, they must not.

Oh, curse of curses.

Oh, horror of horrors.

Oh, waiter,

a pi?a colada.

Hey, big guy. Hey, everybody, big guy is here.

Hey, how do you do, big guy?

Billy, what is this?

A note.

I see that it's a note Billy. It's in Spanish.

Why did you write me an urgent note in Spanish?

All I could make out is Malaguay revolution.

Why didn't you just tell me in English?

You'll get mad in English.

Uh, Uncle Chester maybe Bob can translate.

Yeah, huh, yeah, ah, yeah.

"Dear Dad, I'm going to fight the Communist regime

"with El Puerco.

"Together we can save the world

"from this terrible disease known as Communism.

Love, Billy."

Billy you're going to fight a revolution?

It's mostly paperwork.

You're not going to fight the Communists, that's final.

But Dad...

I forbid you to crawl through swamps

and raid filthy little villages.

Would it be okay if he drove us to the airport?

You. First you try to steal my wife,

then you tried to steal my son

for your ridiculous revolution.

I want you out of our lives this minute.

I want you out of our house and away from my wife, now!

No.

Tuesday?

Look, look we've got a country to attack.

This really doesn't concern you.

Why don't you just take off like a nice man, huh?

Dog.

What did you call me?

Dog. Double dog.

You dare to call the pig a dog?

No man has ever said that to me and lived.

Dog, dog, dog.

Oh, boy, did you say too much!

Dog, dog, dog, dog, dog, dog.

What're you gonna do about that?

All right, big guy, hey! That took a lot of nerve.

I'm surprised he doesn't challenge you to a duel.

I'd never say nothing like that to nobody

who I thought might challenge me to a duel.

Dutch. Hey, hey.

What about it, El Puerco?

Are you going to challenge him to a duel?

Or are you going to take that crap sitting down?

I challenge you to a duel.

I knew it, I knew it.

He challenged you to a duel, big guy.

Pistolas.

Fine, you've got it.

Pistolas it is.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow.

Tomorrow is bad. Thursday is better.

At dawn.

Dawn? What do you think I am, a farmer?

I was thinking 11-ish.

Dad, I really don't think dueling is such a good idea.

Don't worry about your old Dad, son.

I think it's only fair to tell you, El Puerco,

that I finished third

in the Dunn's River handgun shoot for men, 1965.

I can shoot the eye out of a fly at 100 paces.

Of course, we shouldn't rule out swords.

I've won various fencing tournaments

since I was 3 years old.

Do you think you can make a fool out of me

in front of my family?

Oh, anywhere, actually.

Pistols it is, Thursday, 11 sharp.

And so, in conclusion,

I say to you esteemed senators of these United States,

what will save America, is a safe America.

Good night. Good night.

All right, so, what did you think? It was dramatic?

I can see you're speechless, but it's okay, come on.

You were moved, is that right? Nod your head.

Be honest.

Well, I was bored, actually.

Bored?

You were bored?

You wanted me to be honest, sheriff.

I think the speech could use a few jokes.

I'm about to address the senate of these United States

and this guy suggests jokes.

If they wanted jokes,

they would've asked Henny Youngman to speak.

Sit down, we'll start this again.

Hi.

Hi! Oh, hey, Jess.

May I come in?

Oh, yeah, I'm sorry, yeah, sure, come on in here.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, how did you get by security?

Security?

Perkins, why aren't you out there?

You wanted me to listen to your speech.

Why didn't you get Leon to standby for you?

Leon had to go to the dentist.

He was eating a Bit-O-Honey bar

and the caps came off his front teeth

and he was walking around with these little spikes.

That happened to me one time, it was so embarrassing.

Thank you, Perkins, you can go.

But it's good for corn, though.

Corn?

Yeah, Perkins, you can go.

For eating corn on the cob, those little spikes...

Oh, what a wonderful idea.

Corn's out of season.

Perkins, would you go?

Yes, sir.

Now?

Now.

Here. Here.

Uh, what's up?

Oh, Burt, I cannot tell you what a thrill it is

for me to see you in the flesh.

Jess, come on.

Oh, no. I mean it.

I mean you're you, of course,

and you always have been you,

but I mean, now that I see you on television,

you are a little different than you were,

even though you're not.

I know what you're talking about.

To tell you the truth, now, you may not believe this,

but sometimes, when I look at myself in the mirror,

I'm overwhelmed that I am in the same room with me.

Of course. Do you know what?

I saw you last week on Phil Donahue's show.

Yeah, oh, yeah.

What's he really like? He's so cute.

Nice guy, good head of hair.

You know, I watch him every day,

and I never hear a word he says, because he's so adorable.

I bet Marlo sits across from him at breakfast and thinks,

"My God, that's Phil Donahue!"

And he probably looks at her and thinks,

"My God, that's Marlo Thomas I'm with."

And the two of them never say a word to each other,

because, I mean, they're just so knocked out by it all.

Then they get a divorce because there's no communication.

It's a shame, because they seem like a nice couple.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, Jessica.

Did you come in here for something in particular?

Oh, yes, Burt, I did.

Burt, I am watching one of the best marriages in the world

being destroyed, and it breaks my heart.

Jessica, Phil and Marlo are fine,

their marriage is terrific, you have nothing to worry about.

Burt, not their marriage, your marriage.

Yeah, well, that's another story.

You see, Burt, your marriage has always been so special,

that I just hate to see it in a bad way,

and I want to make one little suggestion, Burt, huh?

What about therapy?

Therapy?

What you mean... You mean... You mean, a shrink?

Burt, there are an awful lot of good ones

that work with couples.

I hate shrinks. Guys who get paid to sit there and nod

and blame your mother.

Burt, I'm not sure that they blame anyone,

but what they help couples do is focus on their problems.

That's what's wrong with this world today,

everybody is focusing, they all focus.

They're focusing on marriages everywhere.

In newspapers, magazines, on television,

in the movies. I'll tell you something,

I'm so sick of watching Jill Clayburgh's marriages

go down the drain, I can't tell you.

And that's what comes from this divorce.

In the olden days, they had other things they did...

like walking.

Walking?

Yeah, nobody had a car, everybody just...

They walked around all over the place.

They walked for hours every day,

and their marriages were terrific.

Somehow or another I don't think that will help here.

I don't think walking is the answer.

A shrink's not the answer either, I'll tell you that.

Well,

what do you think will help, Burt?

I don't know, I...

Maybe nothing can help Mary and me.

Jessica, I got to get... I got things to do. Excuse me.

Oh, no!

Oh, God!

Oh, jeez!

Oh, why!

I don't believe this.

Oh, this is terrible!

Should we turn on the lights?

I think eventually we're gonna have to.

I guess you're right.

This is the worst thing I ever did.

Oh, me too!

Absolutely the most horrible,

miserable thing that ever happened.

It was shocking.

It was great.

The best.

It would be okay if it wasn't so great,

but it was great, so this is really terrible.

Why did it have to be so terrific?

I don't need this.

If it wouldn't have been so terrific,

I could have just said,

"Well, that wasn't so terrific."

But it was terrific,

so now, I don't know what to say, other than,

"I'd like to do it again."

Danny.

Oh, my God!

What am I saying?

What kind of an animal am I?

I just made it with my stepmother.

Gee, I wish you hadn't said that.

We've committed inquest.

Danny, that's "incest," and we did not commit incest.

We committed filth, but we didn't commit incest.

Incest is with your own blood.

What if Chester came through that door right now

and found us in bed?

Oh!

My own father

finds his son in bed with his wife,

who's my mother.

I am not your mother! Would you quit saying that?

You make me feel old.

All right, you're gonna have to face some facts right now.

First of all, you are my stepmother,

but you're not old.

You're young and beautiful

and gorgeous and soft and you smell nice.

And even if you were old, you'd still be beautiful.

Because beauty is not in the eye of the beholder,

it's in your face.

You got a great face.

I do?

I think we better just forget this ever happened.

Fine.

It happened. Okay.

We can't take that back, but it's over and that's that.

I agree.

And we'll never mention it again.

Fine.

We'll just do it once more, and that's that.

Thank you. Mm-hm.

It was very nice of you to call me, Mary.

Well, I thought since you and Jodie were planning on

tying the knot, it would be nice if we had a little chat.

You know, I haven't seen Jodie since he started his therapy.

How's he doing?

Oh, fine, fine, just fine. Right, Chuck?

Oh, yeah, yeah, fine.

Yeah, you'd hardly recognize him. Ha, ha, ha!

Oh? In what way?

Oh, he's an entirely different person.

Is he home now?

Oh, yes. He'll be down in a minute.

Maggie, I think there's something

you should be made aware of.

Just a gigolo Everywhere I go...

What was that?

What?

Are you going to tell her or not?

Mary, please tell me.

Jodie is... not Jodie.

Jodie is... an old Jewish man.

Mary, if you don't want me to marry your son,

you just come right out and tell me.

Maggie...

It's only a paper moon

Sailing over A cardboard sea

But it wouldn't be Make-believe

If you believed in me

Dat, dah, dah, dah, dah

Dat, dat, dat, dat Dat, dat, dah, yeah

Dah, dah...

Oh, my God.

Hey, Chuck-aly and Bob-aly.

I got a little gas.

Oh, yeah.

Julius.

Oy, the Rockette.

Hi, Elaine, what's cooking?

Oh, my God!

Julius, say hello to Maggie.

A redhead.

Woof!

You want to go out.

Bobby, lend me a bisel gelt.

Gornisht.

Oh, my God!

This is your fianc?e, remember?

You and she are going to get married.

The redhead wants to marry me?

I'll put on a tie.

No, Jodie... Uh, Julius.

What?

Please, sit down for a bit.

I'll be there in a half an hour.

Get acquainted.

You Jewish?

What happened to him?

Hypnosis.

He got stuck in a past life,

he thinks he's Julius Kassendorf.

Maggie, I'm supposed to marry you?

Did we get in trouble?

No, no, no, not at all.

Is there any possibility we could?

Boys, I think that maybe we should leave

Julius and Maggie alone to talk.

Ah, yeah, yeah, good idea, good idea, leave us alone.

Good, good. We need anything, we'll call.

Goodbye, good luck.

You want me to make you a little cocktail?

Oh, no, thank you.

Bobby.

Boss.

Eh, make me a whiskey mit soda.

Okey-dokey.

He's a nice boy.

He's made out of wood, you know.

Oh, Jodie!

But he doesn't have all his organs.

Now, let's go take a nap.

Jodie, listen, can we just sit down here for a little while?

Why not?

Sitting is nice.

I like sitting.

Sitting is very good. I love sitting.

That's enough sitting, let's smooch.

Jodie.

Don't you remember me at all?

No.

I'm sorry. I wish I did.

You seem like a nice person.

I've been confusing a lot of people lately

and I don't wish to confuse you.

I like you, and I wish I didn't make you so unhappy.

Well, I wish you would come back again, Jodie.

I wish you would remember.

Maybe if I held you a little bit, it might help.

Yeah.

Here.

Oh, yeah.

Something's happening.

Hey, it's getting clearer. It's getting clearer. It's...

No, nothing.

Maybe if I held you a little closer,

and give you a peckle on the cheek.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm remembering nice now.

Oh, Jodie!

Maybe if you talk dirty for a little while.

And so this is no longer the America of our childhood,

of unlocked doors, and walks on a summer night.

This is a country at war.

A country where we are no longer safe.

Not only in our streets, but in our own homes.

And that's because the criminals are taking over.

And these criminals,

they're not afraid of the police or the courts.

So who's left to stop them?

The citizens.

Always the last resort, the American citizens.

We must not give in. We must not let them take over.

We must once again have a country

where we do walk home on a summer night

and sleep with the windows open,

and not be afraid.

Thank you, Sheriff Campbell.

We are now open for questions from the floor.

Senator Cott of New York.

Thank you, Mr. Chairman.

Are you suggesting, Sheriff Campbell,

that we arm every citizen?

Because if you are,

I'm afraid we're gonna have to be afraid

Shooting each other.

No, I'm not talking about, "Everybody should get a gun."

All I'm saying is that we have to be one, aware,

and two, ready to defend.

And that doesn't have to be a gun,

it could be self-defense classes, tear gas,

dogs,

bats.

Which, by the way, I now manufacture.

Senator Golderow of Oregon.

You're manufacturing bats?

Yes, sir.

It's the Bat Campbell bat. It's one-size-hits-all.

That's a major concern to me, sheriff,

because if you want bats for everyone,

then let me assure you

there will not be one tree left in America.

You will eliminate shade, and we will all die from sunstroke.

Which is far less pleasant than being murdered.

No, sir. I don't think we're all gonna die from sunstroke.

Not to mention, of course, the birds.

The birds?

Where will the birds live?

And then the birds die, and you got a worm problem.

We'll have worms everywhere...

Mr. Chairman.

Will the senator from Oregon

yield to the senator from New York?

Senator, I appreciate your concern for birds and worms,

but I'm more concerned about people.

I don't think increasing violence

is the answer to increased violence.

Senator Laughton of Alabama. Thank you, Mr. Chairman.

I wish to refute what my liberal pinko colleague

from the great intellectual state of New York just said.

Killing is as American as apple pie.

We have to kill to live.

If you're sick of being killed, you kill first.

Nothing wrong with killing,

as long as you kill the right person.

Well, it seems we're out of time, gentlemen.

Sheriff Campbell, is there anything

you wish to say in closing?

Uh, yes, sir. I just want to say that with a little work

we can make this country safe again.

All that's needed here is awareness, which we now have,

and action, which we're soon going to take.

And I want to thank you very much for being here.

It's an honor and a privilege, and I thank you very much.

Thank you, Sheriff Campbell.

This hearing is adjourned.

Listen, I got the Bat Campbell bat for everybody over here.

There you go, sir.

Campbell's getting too dangerous now.

It's time to kill him.

Now that Danny and Annie are more than just friends,

will they go for broke and fall in love?

Or play it safe and just play around.

Will Jodie ever become Jodie again?

And if not, will Maggie convert?

Who will win the duel, Chester or El?

And what about Burt?

Will his fame cost him his life?

These questions and many others

will be answered in the next episode of Soap.

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