Original subtitles

This is the story of two sisters,

Jessica Tate

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates,

and these are the Campbells.

And this is Soap.

That was the best shot you had today, Bat.

Went right in the cup.

Yeah, but does it count, since it bounced off that lady's head?

Sure, sure, everything counts.

You see the way that thing bounced off her?

Why, she must have a steel plate in her!

And if she doesn't, she will have.

I just... I mean, I hope she's okay!

Oh, she's fine. She's fine.

I don't know. She's still lying in that sand trap.

No, she's up. See?

Oops!

I got 45 in the front nine.

I should wind up in the 90s today.

Let's see what I got here.

I got, uh,

Six, three, uh...

136.

I'm gonna finish under 300.

You're sure you played this game before?

Oh, yeah, sure! It's... It's, uh, bursitis.

It throws my game off totally.

I got bursitis

in my neck!

Huh. I got some on my neck and in my shoulder

and in my arm and in my back.

A little in the face too, has been spreading like crazy.

Oh, I love your sense of humor!

Should we tell him now? Sure.

We were gonna wait to tell you in the clubhouse,

but the way you've been playin',

I might not live long enough to finish this game.

Uh, go on, Jack.

Tell him the big news.

Get ready, Bat. This is big!

Are you ready?

Okay.

You're sure you're ready?

You bet.

I love moments like this.

It's like the Academy Awards.

Jack, you gonna tell him?

Bat, how would you like a new job?

A new job?

Is that the way you tell him?

With a buildup like that, you just say,

"How'd you like a new job?"

Uh, what...? What new job?

What's wrong with that?

You killed the drama.

You totally killed the drama.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

I killed the drama.

It's okay.

You forget about it now.

You want to do the back nine or have lunch first?

It doesn't matter to me.

Excuse me, but you mentioned a new job.

What sort of job?

Didn't I tell you?

Hard to believe he's the leader of a state.

If this was Texas, we'd have shot him a long time ago.

Bat!

How would you like to be lieutenant governor?

Lieutenant governor, me?

Right.

You already have one.

I don't like him.

Why?

Why?

He's a gamblin' drunk.

Right!

And he makes loud noises when he eats.

Okay, Jack. I have to sit next to him at banquets.

It makes me sick to my stomach.

I got cows that eat softer than that.

Uh, Jack...

Now, uh, one term as lieutenant governor,

and then we'll run you for senator.

Senator?!

We did a poll.

People will vote for ya.

They like what you stand for.

Oh, you got a wonderful profile.

Really? I never liked it very much.

I never thought that the chin was strong enough.

There it is again.

That wonderful sense of humor!

You sure you don't have a little Jewish blood in you?

Senator Bat Campbell. Sounds good, huh?

And Gene, here, will finance your campaign.

What do you say?

You'll finance my campaign?

Be happy to.

I need me a senator. I now own six governors, 18 congressmen,

four attorney generals, 11 cars, 12 houses, but not one senator.

Uh... own?

Oh, well, now, I'm just joshin' with ya.

You can't own people. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

That misguided fellow, Lincoln, saw to that.

Now, uh...

what I'm sayin' is I just have a real nice relationship

with a whole lotta people.

What do you say, senator?

Gee, I wish my father were alive to see this.

If he was a golfer, it'd probably kill him.

You know, Bat, we could hire somebody to play your father,

like Melvyn Douglas.

He could campaign for you.

He's got a mind like oatmeal.

He'd get the senior-citizen vote.

Well, you think about it, Bat?

Now, you don't have to make any decisions on anything,

but just sorta get used to the idea, huh?

Now, what do you say we keep playin',

and then we'll have lunch, huh.

All right. You're up, Bat.

Yeah. You got it! All right!

I love this so...

Gotta ease up. Ease up a little bit.

Gonna hit the car.

Truck's gonna hit the Mercedes.

Truck's on fire.

What happened to the Mercedes?

I don't see it.

Think it went over the cliff.

Um... what should I do?

Change your grip.

Turn your wrist, keep your head down longer and follow through.

Hiya, big guy.

Oh. How's it goin'?

Dutch.

Boy.

You don't look too good.

I don't?

No, you look a little puffy.

Puffy?

Yeah, kinda like Poppin' Fresh.

Poppin' Fresh?

Yeah, Poppin' Fresh, the Pillsbury Doughboy.

I haven't slept.

I'm staying at the Y, and I can't sleep a wink.

How come?

I'm surrounded by winos and homos.

The winos keep trying to steal my wallet,

and the homos just keep trying.

Why are you stayin' at the Y then?

Well, I haven't got any money.

That's, uh, why I asked you to meet me, Dutch.

Would you loan me a little?

Dutch?

Only for a while.

Aw, big guy, why don't you just come home?

What'll it be? Eggs.

You think you can make them without Pennzoil today?

Oh, God, we got Sir Laurence again.

Why do you come here?

All you do is complain.

I'm not complaining.

I'm merely making a request.

Yesterday, my poached eggs were served in an oil slick.

Did you want the crust cut off your toast too?

Please.

I'll just have a coffee.

It'll be greasy.

I don't how they do it. They make greasy coffee.

Come on home, big guy. We need ya.

Billy hardly speaks a word of English anymore,

and Annie is miserable, and I miss ya,

and the pool is filthy!

Come on, eh?

I'm afraid to, Dutch.

The thought of Jess with a foreigner

makes me so angry, I could kill!

I've killed before.

I'm afraid I'll kill again.

I still love her Dutch.

I want her back.

I want her.

I want her. I want her.

Aw, come on, big guy. Come on.

Now, you just stop and think about it for a minute.

Hey, what's the big deal?

They had one night of passion, right?

So what?

One night, what's to get crazy about?

So they strip.

Oh! Oh!

What is that? Just bodies.

Naked bodies.

So she gets naked with him.

And he gets naked with her!

I'll kill him! I'll kill him!

I swear, I'll kill him!

Thank you.

You gotta watch your nerves, big guy.

I still love her, Dutch. I want her back.

Well, you gotta learn to live with life not bein' perfect.

What do ya think I've been doin' lately?

Things with me and Eunice is terrible.

Oh, sorry, Dutch.

My sex life is in the toilet.

She can't do it unless we do a fantasy.

Dutch, Eunice is my daughter.

Well, she should be in bed with Walt Disney.

Dutch?

One night, I'm a cop. Next night, I'm a storm trooper.

Then I'm a forest ranger.

I got a hell of a collection of boots now, let me tell you.

Boy, do I miss the good old days

of "Screaming and Scratching" Corinne.

Stop it, Dutch! Stop it!

Hey! Hey...

Hey, hey! Come on, come on!

Get outta here! Get outta here, will ya?

Fine, I'm leaving.

I don't even want to stay.

Let me tell you something, my good man.

I do a lot of business entertaining.

Rest assured I shall not do it here.

That'll be three bucks for the meal.

Uh, Dutch, uh...

pay the man.

Chester?

Hi.

Danny.

Annie, is Chester here?

Uh, no, not at the moment.

He kind of, uh... stormed out.

Come on in.

Thanks.

You okay?

Great! How about you?

Me? Ha! Great.

Good. That's... That's good. Yeah. Heh.

Oh, God!

I can't stand it.

I'm so miserable.

So, what's new?

Oh, not much. Heh-heh.

Chester left me.

Is that why he's not here?

I think so.

I'm sorry, he's not.

I really needed to talk to him.

Problem?

Yeah.

I usually talk to Burt about my problems,

but, uh, Burt is no longer Burt.

I mean, he's changed, you know?

Chester's changed too.

Yeah, and I don't wanna talk to my mother about this problem

'cause she's got enough problems.

Gwen is gone, so I can't talk to her.

And even if she were here so I could talk to her,

I wouldn't have to talk to her

because my problem is the fact that she's gone.

You see, if she didn't go...

I... I got it.

Every time I get close to a woman,

she either runs off or gets shot.

I hope this is just a phase.

Every time I get close to a man, he runs away too.

Hm.

Hey, what is it with us?

How come people are always running out on us?

You don't suppose it's something we do that drives them away.

You know, I mean, like...

some disgusting habits we have?

It must be.

I mean, I have some really disgusting habits.

Come on, how could you have any disgusting habits?

Oh, I do!

Mine are more disgusting.

You wanna talk disgusting habits,

you are looking at the king.

Nothing compared to mine.

Oh, come on!

You don't believe me?

Nah. Okay, listen.

Well?

That's pretty disgusting.

But, uh, I wouldn't leave you just because you drink

like a St. Bernard.

Chester's very sensitive.

Mm.

I hum when I eat.

Yeah.

You don't believe me, do ya?

I don't even know I'm doing it.

I make this hm-mm-mm-mm sound when I'm having dinner.

Sounds like I'm making love.

Do you ever get white stuff on the corners of your mouth?

Are you kidding? I invented that.

You're just saying that to make me feel better.

Honest to God,

I look like Old Yeller right before they shot him.

Is that why she left?

I think it's my legs.

What's wrong with your legs?

Aw, come on, look!

What?

Too skinny.

Oh, please You have a great body.

I wish I had your body.

Now, why would you want my body?

Your body's incredible.

Oh-ho. You're just saying that.

No, no really.

If I wasn't feeling so terrible and you weren't my stepmother,

I'd...

You know, I'd... I'd look at it harder.

Well, and if I wasn't feeling so miserable, I'd, uh...

Well, me too.

I mean, you... You really have some great body.

Well, I'm...

I'm flattered.

Well, this has been great. Heh.

I mean... I mean thanks for lettin' me talk.

You really made me feel better.

Me too. Thanks.

Anytime.

And if you ever wanna talk some more, I'd...

I'd be happy to listen.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Me too.

I better get the hell outta here.

Oh?

Uh, it's not that I want to,

I just think...

Yeah, I know.

I'll see ya.

You hungry?

Famished.

There's a new pizza joint in town...

I love pizza.

I'll hum.

I'll order a Coke, and I won't even hear.

Mary!

Mary!

Oh, Burt!

Mary! Burt!

Mary, what happened? What happened?

The baby, is Scotty all right?

Is the baby sick?

No, he's fine.

Fine? Fine?

You call the office hysterical,

say something unintelligible about the baby,

I race over here, and you say, he's fine?

What's the matter with you?!

If I tell you, you'll think I'm crazy.

Mary.

Scotty's okay. He's okay.

He's just a little exhausted from flying,

so he's taking a nap right now.

Flying.

He's flying now?

I am not crazy.

Scotty does not fly.

I know for a fact. It's genetic.

Nobody in my family ever flew.

Why won't you believe me?

Mare, did you actually see him flying?

That is not the point.

Has anybody ever seen him fly?

I think Chuck.

Chuck. Chuck talks to Bob.

This is your star witness?

He was out of his crib.

How did he get out of his crib?

Mary, babies get out of their cribs! I don't know how.

Normal 12-months-old babies do not defy gravity.

I'm going back to the office.

He has super-human strength. Mary.

How did he push the toy chest across the room?

Babies figure out how to do things. I don't know how!

How...? How heavy could that toy chest be?

Burt, it was built-in.

Hi, Dad. Oh, hi, hello.

Oh, what a cute little terrific kid.

Hey, Chuck, show him what Scotty did?

Yeah, he was messin' around with his crayons.

That's not normal.

Twelve-months-old babies don't experiment in cubism.

Maybe this is a quirk.

A quirk?

A quirk!

Picasso painted when he was three.

Mozart wrote a symphony when he was eight.

Scotty is one.

So he's advanced for his age.

My baby lifts heavy objects, paints and flies,

and you call it a quirk.

Mary, I wanna ask you something.

Have you had anything to drink today?

Oh, come on, Burt. On my honor.

Tell him, Chuck.

Oh, no, it's the truth, Dad.

Yeah, me and Mary went on the wagon together.

Oh, that's good! I'm gonna go check.

He won't believe me.

Mary Campbell? Yes.

My name is Dr. Rudolph. I'm a psychiatrist.

I am not crazy. He flies.

Have you come to take me away?

Where you wanna go?

I'm confused.

I'm Jodie's analyst.

Oh, my God! Come in.

What's the matter with Jodie?

Oh, nothing, nothing.

He's... He's fine. He's...

Well, there is a little something

I think you should be aware of.

What?

Uh, Julius?

Right this way.

Here we are.

This is your home. See?

Jodie?

This is my family?

This is not my family.

Julius, this is your mother.

Excuse me, this is not my mother.

My mother look like an elk.

This lady is a Rockette.

What's the matter with him?

He thinks he's an old Jewish man.

Oh, my God!

Jodie, Jodie.

Lady, I'm old enough to be your father.

What have you done to him?

Well, we were searching... BOB: Uh, doctor?

Are we dealing here with a highly complicated

and a rare schizophrenia and multiple-personality crossover,

and if not, should we rule out trauma?

I think your analysis is most perceptive. Mm-hmm.

However, in this case, it's a combination

of sensory deprivation and hypnosis,

resulting in a possible aggression

to a previous bodily manifestation,

or incarnation, if you will.

Fascinating. I've never heard of a case like this before.

Well, you see, we were searching for the root cause...

I'm talking to a dummy.

I'm a dummy?

You turn your patient into an old Jewish man,

and I'm the dummy.

All right, Mary, now, I checked the baby.

He is not flying.

"Not flying"?

Right. Who, uh...? Who are you?

Burt, this is Dr. Rudolph.

Yeah, hello.

And this...

is Julius.

Ju-Julius?

Oy, look who's here.

Wyatt Earp.

What is the matter with him?

He's Jewish.

You know, this is cute. This I never saw.

Burt, Dr. Rudolph is Jodie's psychiatrist.

All right. What did you do to him?

What is the matter? What did you do to him?!

I-I took him back hypnotically.

What back? What are you talking about?

In time, to a previous existence.

He got stuck somewhere in the Lower East Side.

Well, unstick him.

Uh, no. Oh, no! Negative, Burt.

To presuppose a cure when you do not understand the problem

could be disastrous.

You know, that cowboy I could live with,

but this dummy is too much!

Hey!

Who are you calling a dummy?

Not you, shorty. The other feller.

I'm the dummy?

Only a dummy would talk to a puppet.

He's got a point there.

Listen to me now.

Whatever you did to him, you undo,

or I will sue you for malpractice, pally.

I will ruin you.

It's all legal, sheriff.

He signed a waiver.

How could this happen?

Look, all I know is,

I was sitting in a delicatessen,

minding my business, having a mild coronary...

Jodie.

Oh, and please, don't call me Jodie.

Jodie is a name for a puppy.

My name is Julius Kassendorf.

I think you should call him Julius for the time being.

Oh. And this is your medical opinion?

Look, he's still under treatment.

I'll see him once a day,

and hopefully, we can pull him out of this thing.

But how long will this take?

Oh, a couple of days, a few weeks... several years.

Just sit tight and keep a lot of gefilte fish in the house.

I'll pick him up by first thing Tuesday.

We have a Mike Douglas Show in the morning.

Here's my card. Call anytime. Quickly.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait!

You can't... You can't bring my son home

like he's some kind of freak!

Where's the bathroom?

I can't deal with this now.

Don't let him outside.

I don't believe this.

My eldest stepson is now my nephew.

My only real son talks to a puppet.

My wife sees flying babies.

And my other stepson used to be gay,

pft, now he's an old Jewish guy.

I gotta get outta here.

All right...

don't leave this house.

Anybody.

Ever.

Now that Jodie is an old Jewish man,

will Mary keep a kosher home?

Will Burt become a senator,

or does Lee Trevino have something to worry about?

Will Danny ever find happiness?

Will he find it with his father's wife?

And will Chester stop crying

and try to get Jessica back,

or will he remain all choked up about her?

These questions and many others will be answered

in the next episode of Soap.

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