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This is the story of two sisters,
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00:00:05,872 --> 00:00:07,873
Jessica Tate
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00:00:07,874 --> 00:00:10,376
and Mary Campbell.
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00:00:10,377 --> 00:00:13,879
These are the Tates,
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00:00:13,880 --> 00:00:17,783
and these are the Campbells.
6
00:00:17,784 --> 00:00:20,285
And this is Soap.
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Mrs. Tate! Mrs. Tate!
8
00:01:14,707 --> 00:01:16,708
Open up! El Puerco
is missing!
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Somebody stole El Puerco!
10
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Ah! Excuse me.
11
00:01:20,213 --> 00:01:25,217
Oh! My life will be over! What will I do?!
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Where will I go?!
13
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Oops.
14
00:01:31,191 --> 00:01:33,692
What a faux paz.
15
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What an embarrassing moment.
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Oh boy, is my face ever red.
17
00:01:39,199 --> 00:01:41,200
Juan One, what are you doing?
18
00:01:41,201 --> 00:01:42,701
I was looking for you.
19
00:01:42,702 --> 00:01:44,203
Well, you found me.
20
00:01:44,204 --> 00:01:46,205
Now, go fly in the lake!
21
00:01:46,206 --> 00:01:48,207
I'm not supposed to
tell nobody. Right, Boss?
22
00:01:48,208 --> 00:01:49,708
Get out of here.
23
00:01:49,709 --> 00:01:53,712
I think in America,
this is called a home run.
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00:01:53,713 --> 00:01:56,082
A grand slam
for the great swine.
25
00:02:03,590 --> 00:02:05,090
Good morning.
26
00:02:05,091 --> 00:02:06,592
Buenos morning.
27
00:02:06,593 --> 00:02:10,597
My... it's going to be
a beautiful day.
28
00:02:15,101 --> 00:02:16,602
Oh, Jessica, please forgive me.
29
00:02:16,603 --> 00:02:17,603
I was an animal last night.
30
00:02:17,604 --> 00:02:18,538
El...
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00:02:18,539 --> 00:02:20,539
Oh! I came to you
out of weakness
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00:02:20,540 --> 00:02:22,040
and I took advantage of you.
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00:02:22,041 --> 00:02:23,475
Why did I do it?
Why, why, why?
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00:02:23,476 --> 00:02:26,378
Because I asked you to.
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You did?
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00:02:27,914 --> 00:02:29,414
Well, not exactly.
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00:02:29,415 --> 00:02:31,350
I invited you up to my room,
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and you, kind of,
took it from there.
39
00:02:33,353 --> 00:02:36,221
Oh! So, how was I?
40
00:02:36,222 --> 00:02:37,222
What?
41
00:02:37,223 --> 00:02:39,725
Well, I don't mean
to sound presumptual,
42
00:02:39,726 --> 00:02:42,227
but I have a personal
question to ask you about myself.
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00:02:42,228 --> 00:02:43,228
Forgive me.
44
00:02:43,229 --> 00:02:44,730
Well, of course, dear.
What?
45
00:02:46,232 --> 00:02:49,201
Was I the greatest, or what?
46
00:02:49,202 --> 00:02:50,702
The greatest?
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00:02:50,703 --> 00:02:51,703
S?.
48
00:02:51,704 --> 00:02:53,205
The greatest what?
49
00:02:53,206 --> 00:02:54,706
The greatest lover.
50
00:02:54,707 --> 00:02:56,208
Oh, that.
51
00:02:56,209 --> 00:02:59,711
I mean... was I better
than anyone?
52
00:02:59,712 --> 00:03:03,215
Well, I don't know.
I haven't tried everyone.
53
00:03:03,216 --> 00:03:05,718
I don't mean the greatest
in the whole world.
54
00:03:07,220 --> 00:03:09,221
Well, yes, I did
mean that, actually.
55
00:03:09,222 --> 00:03:10,722
But just for starters...
56
00:03:10,723 --> 00:03:13,725
was I amazing
or am I just crazy?
57
00:03:13,726 --> 00:03:17,129
Well, you were...
different.
58
00:03:17,130 --> 00:03:18,130
Different.
59
00:03:18,131 --> 00:03:20,632
But... how different?
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00:03:20,633 --> 00:03:24,636
Just different.
Everyone is different.
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00:03:24,637 --> 00:03:29,641
Yeah. But... was I
the best different?
62
00:03:29,642 --> 00:03:33,478
Well, when you love someone,
it's always the best.
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00:03:33,479 --> 00:03:34,479
Ah, lo sab?a!
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00:03:34,480 --> 00:03:35,981
So, I was the best?!
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00:03:35,982 --> 00:03:37,350
No.
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00:03:39,252 --> 00:03:40,752
Second best?
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00:03:40,753 --> 00:03:42,755
No, not really.
68
00:03:44,257 --> 00:03:46,758
I washed out?
69
00:03:46,759 --> 00:03:48,760
Well...
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00:03:48,761 --> 00:03:52,264
Ay caramba. I mean,
not to be the greatest in the world,
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00:03:52,265 --> 00:03:53,765
well, okay, I can accept that.
72
00:03:53,766 --> 00:03:55,767
I mean... new kid
comes along
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00:03:55,768 --> 00:03:57,770
younger, stronger,
better wind...
74
00:03:59,272 --> 00:04:02,141
But... to be a...
washout?
75
00:04:03,643 --> 00:04:08,146
Excuse me, please.
I don't think I want to live any longer.
76
00:04:08,147 --> 00:04:09,648
Adi?s.
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00:04:09,649 --> 00:04:12,150
Oh, El, El.
El, come now.
78
00:04:12,151 --> 00:04:13,652
Come on.
Please, sit. Sit.
79
00:04:13,653 --> 00:04:15,654
Come on. Let us have
a little chat.
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00:04:17,156 --> 00:04:18,657
S??
81
00:04:18,658 --> 00:04:21,660
Now... El,
you remember last night
82
00:04:21,661 --> 00:04:23,662
when you were having
so much fun?
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00:04:23,663 --> 00:04:25,664
S?.
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00:04:25,665 --> 00:04:27,533
Well, you were the only one.
85
00:04:28,468 --> 00:04:30,502
See, I didn't have any fun.
86
00:04:30,503 --> 00:04:33,438
But women don't have fun.
87
00:04:33,439 --> 00:04:36,808
Oh, yes, they do.
88
00:04:36,809 --> 00:04:38,310
You're kidding.
89
00:04:40,813 --> 00:04:42,247
No, I'm not.
90
00:04:44,651 --> 00:04:47,552
Do you remember
when your eyes crossed?
91
00:04:47,553 --> 00:04:52,024
Just before I started
yelling, "?ndale! ?ndale!" S?, s?.
92
00:04:56,162 --> 00:04:59,932
Well, El, I never
got to yell, "?ndale! ?ndale!"
93
00:05:01,934 --> 00:05:04,436
You mean, women yell
"?ndale" too?
94
00:05:13,179 --> 00:05:14,179
I didn't know that.
95
00:05:14,180 --> 00:05:15,681
Well, it's true.
96
00:05:15,682 --> 00:05:19,152
Holy cow. The nuns
never told us that.
97
00:05:22,121 --> 00:05:25,624
Well, it's something
to keep in mind.
98
00:05:25,625 --> 00:05:27,125
Jessica...
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00:05:27,126 --> 00:05:30,128
do you remember
when you was a little kid,
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00:05:30,129 --> 00:05:32,130
and you used to go to
the park with your friend? Mm.
101
00:05:32,131 --> 00:05:37,469
And first your friend
would push the swing for you and then...
102
00:05:37,470 --> 00:05:39,438
And you would
push the swing for your friend?
103
00:05:39,439 --> 00:05:41,306
Mm.
104
00:05:41,307 --> 00:05:42,808
How about if now...
105
00:05:42,809 --> 00:05:46,012
I do the pushing
and you do the swinging?
106
00:05:51,384 --> 00:05:52,384
Mm.
107
00:05:59,292 --> 00:06:00,292
Excuse me.
108
00:06:00,293 --> 00:06:03,795
But I have to see to my men.
109
00:06:03,796 --> 00:06:05,797
I shall return en un momentito.
110
00:06:05,798 --> 00:06:07,299
Goodbye.
111
00:06:11,804 --> 00:06:13,305
Ta.
112
00:06:14,307 --> 00:06:16,274
What is with you two?
113
00:06:16,275 --> 00:06:20,278
Oh, goodness. It is
so nice to have breakfast
114
00:06:20,279 --> 00:06:21,780
with all of you again.
115
00:06:21,781 --> 00:06:23,281
How is everyone?
116
00:06:23,282 --> 00:06:26,618
Well... Eunice is
a little crabby these days.
117
00:06:26,619 --> 00:06:30,389
I am not crabby,
I am never crabby.
118
00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:32,391
How dare you call me crabby?
119
00:06:32,392 --> 00:06:35,827
I'm the picture
of non-crabbiness.
120
00:06:35,828 --> 00:06:38,330
Pass me that toast, damn it.
121
00:06:39,792 --> 00:06:40,832
She's just a little cranky
122
00:06:40,833 --> 00:06:42,334
because our sex life is
in the toilet.
123
00:06:42,335 --> 00:06:43,336
Dutch.
124
00:06:46,238 --> 00:06:47,839
Well, Eunice,
let's call a spade a spade.
125
00:06:47,840 --> 00:06:49,841
These fantasies are
driving me crazy.
126
00:06:49,842 --> 00:06:51,343
Dutch!
127
00:06:51,344 --> 00:06:54,347
For one thing,
I can't breathe in the gorilla mask.
128
00:06:57,350 --> 00:06:58,850
And furthermore, last night,
129
00:06:58,851 --> 00:07:00,853
I sprained my ankle
on the damn oilcan.
130
00:07:02,321 --> 00:07:03,822
Oilcan?
131
00:07:03,823 --> 00:07:05,824
It was nothing, we were just...
132
00:07:05,825 --> 00:07:08,828
We was doing
the Wizard of Oz, and I was the Tin Man.
133
00:07:12,198 --> 00:07:15,567
Billy, did you enjoy
your little rescue mission?
134
00:07:15,568 --> 00:07:17,569
That was just
the beginning, Mom.
135
00:07:17,570 --> 00:07:19,571
Yesterday Malibu...
136
00:07:19,572 --> 00:07:21,573
tomorrow Malaguay.
137
00:07:21,574 --> 00:07:24,576
For freedom is
my sword and shield.
138
00:07:24,577 --> 00:07:26,579
Oh, Saunders,
are we out of Pop-Tarts?
139
00:07:28,080 --> 00:07:30,081
Hey, Saunders, do you know
what I can't figure?
140
00:07:30,082 --> 00:07:33,084
Something you can't figure?
You're kidding.
141
00:07:33,085 --> 00:07:34,586
Yeah, how come a guy like you
142
00:07:34,587 --> 00:07:36,021
knows all about
guerilla warfare.
143
00:07:36,022 --> 00:07:37,456
It don't make sense.
144
00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:41,259
It don't make sense.
145
00:07:41,260 --> 00:07:42,761
Surprise!
146
00:07:42,762 --> 00:07:45,664
Oh, good. It's
the Pigeon sisters.
147
00:07:47,667 --> 00:07:49,601
Are you ready?
148
00:07:49,602 --> 00:07:51,002
Chester and I got married.
149
00:07:52,505 --> 00:07:55,006
Well... Annie,
congratulations, dear.
150
00:07:55,007 --> 00:07:56,508
Oh, thank you,
Mrs. Tate.
151
00:07:56,509 --> 00:07:57,509
Hey, yeah, Annie, all the best.
152
00:07:57,510 --> 00:07:58,510
Oh, Dutch.
153
00:07:58,511 --> 00:08:00,011
All the happiness.
Billy.
154
00:08:00,012 --> 00:08:03,515
Oh my dear...
good luck.
155
00:08:03,516 --> 00:08:06,018
Princess, aren't you
going to wish us all the best?
156
00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:08,520
Pig!
157
00:08:08,521 --> 00:08:09,522
Un momento!
158
00:08:11,524 --> 00:08:12,524
You tramp!
159
00:08:12,525 --> 00:08:14,526
You scum!
You slime!
160
00:08:14,527 --> 00:08:16,027
God, I hate you.
161
00:08:16,028 --> 00:08:17,529
God, how I hate you!
162
00:08:19,031 --> 00:08:22,034
She's just a little cranky.
Our sex life is in the toilet.
163
00:08:26,038 --> 00:08:28,039
Risky career move, Colonel,
164
00:08:28,040 --> 00:08:30,542
marrying
a local girl. No.
165
00:08:30,543 --> 00:08:32,545
But, oh, what a set of casabas.
166
00:08:36,048 --> 00:08:37,549
- Hello.
- Hi.
167
00:08:37,550 --> 00:08:38,550
Hello.
168
00:08:38,551 --> 00:08:40,051
Would you like some champagne?
169
00:08:40,052 --> 00:08:42,053
Oh, no. It's 8:00
in the morning.
170
00:08:42,054 --> 00:08:44,055
Well, we're
kind of celebrating. Oh?
171
00:08:44,056 --> 00:08:47,492
Yes, El. Chester and Annie
tied the knot.
172
00:08:47,493 --> 00:08:50,929
You mean, like we tied the knot?
173
00:08:50,930 --> 00:08:51,931
Uh, no.
174
00:08:54,433 --> 00:08:55,934
Well, th-they got married.
175
00:08:55,935 --> 00:08:58,436
How nice.
Congratulations, Annie.
176
00:08:58,437 --> 00:08:59,938
Thank you.
177
00:08:59,939 --> 00:09:01,439
What does he mean by that?
178
00:09:01,440 --> 00:09:02,941
What?
179
00:09:02,942 --> 00:09:06,278
"Like we tied the knot."
What kind of knot did we tie?
180
00:09:06,279 --> 00:09:07,546
Well, Chester,
181
00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:09,948
I really don't think
it's any of your business.
182
00:09:09,949 --> 00:09:11,350
You have a glow.
183
00:09:12,785 --> 00:09:13,785
Billy.
184
00:09:13,786 --> 00:09:14,787
Right.
185
00:09:18,791 --> 00:09:20,792
She has a what?
186
00:09:20,793 --> 00:09:24,229
Both of you,
you're both glowing.
187
00:09:24,230 --> 00:09:25,230
Chester.
188
00:09:25,231 --> 00:09:27,165
You slept with her, didn't you?
189
00:09:27,166 --> 00:09:28,567
Chester.
190
00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:30,902
You did, you did. I know you
did. Don't say you didn't,
191
00:09:30,903 --> 00:09:33,405
because I know you did,
didn't you?
192
00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:34,740
I think he knows.
193
00:09:35,741 --> 00:09:36,741
A fine thing.
194
00:09:36,742 --> 00:09:39,744
Your husband leaves
the house for one night
195
00:09:39,745 --> 00:09:40,746
to get married.
196
00:09:43,182 --> 00:09:45,550
And as soon as
his back is turned,
197
00:09:45,551 --> 00:09:48,920
you fool around
with the first foreigner that happens by.
198
00:09:48,921 --> 00:09:51,790
Chester, you have just
come into this house and announced
199
00:09:51,791 --> 00:09:52,791
that you were married.
200
00:09:52,792 --> 00:09:55,660
Am I glowing?
Do I have a glow?
201
00:09:55,661 --> 00:09:57,662
Chester.
202
00:09:57,663 --> 00:10:00,665
It's one thing to do it out
of spite or revenge...
203
00:10:00,666 --> 00:10:02,133
that's forgivable...
but to glow...
204
00:10:02,134 --> 00:10:05,604
Oh, Jess, how could you?
205
00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:08,106
Chester, sweetheart,
there's nothing wrong
206
00:10:08,107 --> 00:10:09,608
with what they did.
207
00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:11,110
Do shut up, you little slut.
208
00:10:12,545 --> 00:10:16,048
Don't you have any regard
for the sacrament of divorce?
209
00:10:19,051 --> 00:10:21,886
Chester, you're horrible.
210
00:10:21,887 --> 00:10:24,356
You're a horrible, horrible man.
211
00:10:25,858 --> 00:10:29,260
Chester... will you please
leave this house.
212
00:10:32,264 --> 00:10:35,767
I want you to know that never
ever under any circumstances
213
00:10:35,768 --> 00:10:37,770
would I ever set foot
in this house again.
214
00:10:53,085 --> 00:10:54,086
Mm.
215
00:11:08,100 --> 00:11:09,101
Hi.
216
00:11:31,057 --> 00:11:32,057
Ah.
217
00:11:32,058 --> 00:11:34,559
Governor, Governor, Governor.
218
00:11:34,560 --> 00:11:36,061
Bat.
219
00:11:36,062 --> 00:11:38,029
Ha-ha!
Ha-ha!
220
00:11:38,030 --> 00:11:39,531
I want you to meet
the little lady.
221
00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:42,033
This is my wife, Pookie.
222
00:11:42,034 --> 00:11:44,536
Pookie. That's
a nice name.
223
00:11:44,537 --> 00:11:46,539
It's short for Louisa.
224
00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:49,541
Sure.
225
00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:51,543
Can I wait in the limo, Jack?
226
00:11:51,544 --> 00:11:54,045
Oh. She just
loves limos.
227
00:11:54,046 --> 00:11:56,548
She has been riding around
in one for two terms,
228
00:11:56,549 --> 00:12:00,051
and it still tickles
the beans out of her.
229
00:12:00,052 --> 00:12:02,554
Oh, I love how everyone tries
to look in and see who you are,
230
00:12:02,555 --> 00:12:04,556
and they can't because
of the greened-out windows.
231
00:12:05,558 --> 00:12:07,559
Oh, I just love that.
232
00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:10,528
Yeah. Boy, I bet that's great.
233
00:12:10,529 --> 00:12:12,530
Well, come on, sit down here.
234
00:12:12,531 --> 00:12:13,531
Have a seat here.
235
00:12:13,532 --> 00:12:15,033
Come on.
236
00:12:15,034 --> 00:12:18,536
Mare? Mary,
the governor's here.
237
00:12:18,537 --> 00:12:20,538
Well, Bat, is the speech ready?
238
00:12:20,539 --> 00:12:23,541
Ah. Oh, yes.
It's just... I... I'm a little nervous.
239
00:12:23,542 --> 00:12:25,043
I have a very bad memory,
240
00:12:25,044 --> 00:12:27,545
and I'm afraid that I'm just
going to forget it, you know.
241
00:12:27,546 --> 00:12:31,049
Well... you may want to
write it in the palm of your hand.
242
00:12:31,050 --> 00:12:32,050
That's what I do.
243
00:12:32,051 --> 00:12:35,854
And then when I gesture,
I look at it.
244
00:12:35,855 --> 00:12:39,190
Of course, once I sneezed
and the ink ran,
245
00:12:39,191 --> 00:12:41,059
and I couldn't make out
a damn thing.
246
00:12:41,060 --> 00:12:44,062
But it was on
fiscal policy, and no one understands that.
247
00:12:44,063 --> 00:12:45,531
So I just made up some numbers.
248
00:13:02,548 --> 00:13:04,048
Oh, my God.
249
00:13:04,049 --> 00:13:05,550
Are you all right?
250
00:13:05,551 --> 00:13:08,052
Oh! I... I...
251
00:13:08,053 --> 00:13:09,554
I'm very anxious to meet you,
252
00:13:09,555 --> 00:13:11,055
but that was ridiculous.
253
00:13:11,056 --> 00:13:13,057
I slipped.
254
00:13:13,058 --> 00:13:15,059
Uh, this is, uh,
Governor Rodenbach.
255
00:13:15,060 --> 00:13:17,061
And this is his lovely wife,
256
00:13:17,062 --> 00:13:18,062
uh, Poopsie Rodenbach.
257
00:13:18,063 --> 00:13:19,564
This is Mary.
258
00:13:19,565 --> 00:13:21,566
Pookie. Pookie...
259
00:13:21,567 --> 00:13:23,067
Pookie, Pookie...
260
00:13:23,068 --> 00:13:24,068
Yes, uh, may I...
261
00:13:24,069 --> 00:13:25,570
Uh, excuse me.
262
00:13:25,571 --> 00:13:29,574
Mare, could I see you in the
kitchen for a minute, please?
263
00:13:29,575 --> 00:13:32,577
I see that the reason
was... I slipped, my shoes are new.
264
00:13:32,578 --> 00:13:34,579
Oh, you should do what I do.
265
00:13:34,580 --> 00:13:36,581
Have your secretary
walk around in them first.
266
00:13:36,582 --> 00:13:39,083
No..
Mm-hm.
267
00:13:39,084 --> 00:13:41,085
Mare, come here.
268
00:13:41,086 --> 00:13:43,087
Excuse me just a minute here,
I'm just gonna...
269
00:13:43,088 --> 00:13:45,089
Just gonna to fix
the bottoms of her shoes.
270
00:13:45,090 --> 00:13:48,092
You see, I like new shoes.
271
00:13:48,093 --> 00:13:49,594
Uh-huh. Really?
272
00:13:49,595 --> 00:13:52,598
I like to skate around on
the tiled floors with them.
273
00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:56,101
Excuse me.
274
00:14:01,574 --> 00:14:02,575
Oh.
275
00:14:05,578 --> 00:14:07,579
How the hell could
you do that to me?
276
00:14:07,580 --> 00:14:09,080
To you?
277
00:14:09,081 --> 00:14:11,082
I almost broke my neck.
278
00:14:11,083 --> 00:14:13,585
You know how important
tonight is and what do you do?
279
00:14:13,586 --> 00:14:15,086
You go out
and get yourself stinking drunk.
280
00:14:15,087 --> 00:14:17,088
Burt, I haven't had a drink
in days.
281
00:14:17,089 --> 00:14:19,591
These are new shoes.
I slipped.
282
00:14:19,592 --> 00:14:21,593
Slipped, yeah. You slipped.
You really do slip.
283
00:14:21,594 --> 00:14:22,594
Mare, I'm fed up with this.
284
00:14:22,595 --> 00:14:25,096
Burt, for God sakes,
I am not drunk,
285
00:14:25,097 --> 00:14:27,099
Smell my breath. Haa.
286
00:14:28,100 --> 00:14:29,601
Binaca.
287
00:14:31,036 --> 00:14:33,037
Well, yes. I always use
that before I go out.
288
00:14:33,038 --> 00:14:37,542
But under the Binaca...
Under that... Haa. Haa.
289
00:14:37,543 --> 00:14:41,045
Nothing. Just breath,
I swear.
290
00:14:41,046 --> 00:14:43,047
Mary, you are ruining me.
291
00:14:43,048 --> 00:14:45,049
Do you hear this?
You are really ruining me.
292
00:14:45,050 --> 00:14:47,051
Now, I don't know what
I'm going to do with you.
293
00:14:47,052 --> 00:14:48,553
Burt, have I ever lied to you?
294
00:14:48,554 --> 00:14:50,054
What? Don't change
the subject.
295
00:14:50,055 --> 00:14:51,556
I have never lied to you, never.
296
00:14:51,557 --> 00:14:53,558
And I am not
lying to you now. Shh.
297
00:14:53,559 --> 00:14:56,060
I have not had a drink
in three days.
298
00:14:56,061 --> 00:14:57,061
Do you believe me?
299
00:14:57,062 --> 00:14:58,062
No.
300
00:14:58,063 --> 00:14:59,564
Fine.
301
00:15:01,567 --> 00:15:04,069
Well... don't worry about it,
Burt.
302
00:15:05,571 --> 00:15:08,573
Don't worry about me
ruining you... because I can't.
303
00:15:08,574 --> 00:15:10,576
You've already done
that yourself.
304
00:15:12,578 --> 00:15:14,078
Mm.
305
00:15:14,079 --> 00:15:18,082
You don't listen anymore
You're never here anymore.
306
00:15:18,083 --> 00:15:21,452
You don't care anymore.
307
00:15:21,453 --> 00:15:24,389
And I don't like you... anymore.
308
00:15:28,394 --> 00:15:31,896
Mary, what are you...
Mary! Mary!
309
00:15:31,897 --> 00:15:35,400
Will you just listen?
Listen, I...
310
00:15:35,401 --> 00:15:36,401
Get back!
311
00:15:42,708 --> 00:15:43,708
Well...
312
00:15:57,289 --> 00:15:59,791
Dutch... are you
coming in or not?
313
00:15:59,792 --> 00:16:00,792
I can't.
314
00:16:00,793 --> 00:16:01,727
Why not?
315
00:16:01,728 --> 00:16:03,729
You'll hate the costume.
I know you will.
316
00:16:05,064 --> 00:16:06,998
Well, I can't hate it
if can't see it.
317
00:16:06,999 --> 00:16:10,935
I'm starting to
draw a crowd. I feel really stupid.
318
00:16:10,936 --> 00:16:14,239
So, come on in
and stop feeling stupid, you moron.
319
00:16:15,741 --> 00:16:16,741
All right.
All right.
320
00:16:23,682 --> 00:16:24,683
Roxanne!
321
00:16:26,685 --> 00:16:30,154
Oh, Roxanne... your name is like
a golden bell hung in my heart.
322
00:16:30,155 --> 00:16:32,657
And when I think of you,
I tremble, and the bell swings
323
00:16:32,658 --> 00:16:36,128
and rings, Roxanne,
Roxanne, Roxanne.
324
00:16:38,630 --> 00:16:41,599
Well... you gave it
a shot.
325
00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:42,600
Good night.
326
00:16:44,536 --> 00:16:46,037
Don't you want to honk my nose?
327
00:16:46,038 --> 00:16:49,540
Oh, Dutch. You come
flying in here dressed in
328
00:16:49,541 --> 00:16:53,044
a Cyrano de Bergerac
costume and expect to turn me on?
329
00:16:53,045 --> 00:16:55,980
Well, this is all they had
in my size except for a horse,
330
00:16:55,981 --> 00:16:57,021
and that takes two people.
331
00:16:57,916 --> 00:16:59,917
Dutch, I'm really tired.
332
00:16:59,918 --> 00:17:02,420
I'll see you in the morning
okay? Good night.
333
00:17:02,421 --> 00:17:04,422
Eunice...
334
00:17:04,423 --> 00:17:07,425
I am not sleeping
on the couch again tonight.
335
00:17:07,426 --> 00:17:09,427
Oh, Dutch, I don't know.
I can't help it.
336
00:17:09,428 --> 00:17:11,429
It's just that I get nauseous
337
00:17:11,430 --> 00:17:14,932
whenever I think
of having sex with you.
338
00:17:14,933 --> 00:17:17,936
But I sincerely hope
you don't take it personally, darling.
339
00:17:19,438 --> 00:17:21,906
Maybe we should see a shrink.
340
00:17:21,907 --> 00:17:24,776
Oh, so now, we're
sick, is that it?
341
00:17:24,777 --> 00:17:25,778
What do you mean "we"?
342
00:17:28,147 --> 00:17:30,148
So it's my fault?
343
00:17:30,149 --> 00:17:31,149
No, it's nobody's fault.
344
00:17:31,150 --> 00:17:33,651
If we got a problem,
we should work it out.
345
00:17:33,652 --> 00:17:37,088
Well, I agree. We do have
a problem, both of us.
346
00:17:37,089 --> 00:17:41,426
For instance... my problem is
that you make me violently ill.
347
00:17:41,427 --> 00:17:43,395
Your problem is
that you repulse me.
348
00:17:46,899 --> 00:17:48,400
What are we gonna do, Eunice?
349
00:17:51,403 --> 00:17:53,905
I don't know.
Why don't you just try that thing you did
350
00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:54,873
last Thursday.
351
00:17:54,874 --> 00:17:56,340
What thing?
352
00:17:56,341 --> 00:17:57,842
You know, when you came
through the window
353
00:17:57,843 --> 00:17:59,343
with the stocking on your head.
354
00:17:59,344 --> 00:18:03,347
Now, for some reason
that was an incredible turn-on.
355
00:18:03,348 --> 00:18:04,348
When was this?
356
00:18:04,349 --> 00:18:06,284
Last Thursday.
357
00:18:08,787 --> 00:18:12,290
Why don't you just
get the same outfit and try it again, okay?
358
00:18:12,291 --> 00:18:15,293
Only this time
do not really steal my jewelry.
359
00:18:15,294 --> 00:18:16,762
Eunice, that wasn't me.
360
00:18:17,729 --> 00:18:18,729
What?
361
00:18:18,730 --> 00:18:21,132
That wasn't me.
I never came through the window
362
00:18:21,133 --> 00:18:24,035
with a stocking over my head.
363
00:18:24,036 --> 00:18:24,970
Oh. Oh.
364
00:18:24,971 --> 00:18:26,370
Ah... Oh, well.
Oh, yes,
365
00:18:26,371 --> 00:18:29,373
Of course.
My mistake.
366
00:18:29,374 --> 00:18:32,877
Okay. My mistake.
Good night, darling.
367
00:18:32,878 --> 00:18:35,379
Hey, wait a second.
Wait a second.
368
00:18:35,380 --> 00:18:37,348
If that wasn't me with
a stocking over my head,
369
00:18:37,349 --> 00:18:39,350
then who was it
with a stocking over my head?
370
00:18:39,351 --> 00:18:41,352
Obviously, no one.
371
00:18:41,353 --> 00:18:42,787
What do you mean, no one?
372
00:18:42,788 --> 00:18:43,822
You were dreaming.
373
00:18:45,324 --> 00:18:48,326
Oh. Are you sure?
374
00:18:48,327 --> 00:18:50,294
Absolutely sure.
375
00:18:50,295 --> 00:18:53,731
If it wasn't you,
you must have been dreaming, darling, okay?
376
00:18:53,732 --> 00:18:55,233
Good night.
377
00:18:56,235 --> 00:18:57,736
Good night, Eunice.
378
00:19:08,714 --> 00:19:10,215
Yoo-hoo.
379
00:19:16,722 --> 00:19:19,190
Now, Jodie...
when I touch your arm,
380
00:19:19,191 --> 00:19:22,194
I want you to
try and tell me exactly where you are.
381
00:19:26,198 --> 00:19:29,033
All right...
382
00:19:29,034 --> 00:19:30,434
Where are you?
383
00:19:30,435 --> 00:19:32,770
You call this a piece of fish?
384
00:19:32,771 --> 00:19:35,506
This is garbage.
Take this away from me.
385
00:19:35,507 --> 00:19:36,407
Jodie.
386
00:19:36,408 --> 00:19:40,178
A buck and a half
I do not pay for garbage.
387
00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:41,679
Who are you?
388
00:19:41,680 --> 00:19:42,614
Doc, what's the matter?
389
00:19:42,615 --> 00:19:45,950
Jodie... try and tell me
where you are.
390
00:19:45,951 --> 00:19:49,320
I'm in Cohen's Delicatessen
on Second Avenue and Eighth Street,
391
00:19:49,321 --> 00:19:51,722
and I'm not enjoying
myself either,
392
00:19:51,723 --> 00:19:54,158
in case you were interested.
393
00:19:54,159 --> 00:19:56,194
Jodie, this is
Dr. Rudolf.
394
00:19:56,195 --> 00:20:00,598
Ooh, woo, a doctor!
Whoa. Fancy schmancy.
395
00:20:00,599 --> 00:20:03,969
A doctor is talking to me?
Impressed, I'm not.
396
00:20:05,837 --> 00:20:07,305
Jodie, try and tell me
something.
397
00:20:07,306 --> 00:20:08,306
Tell you something.
398
00:20:08,307 --> 00:20:11,243
You tell me something,
Mr. Hotshot Doctor.
399
00:20:12,612 --> 00:20:13,612
Like what?
400
00:20:13,612 --> 00:20:14,579
Like what?
401
00:20:14,580 --> 00:20:18,082
Like what killed that fish.
402
00:20:18,083 --> 00:20:21,519
I can't eat that.
What am I, a seagull?
403
00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:22,521
Waiter.
404
00:20:23,989 --> 00:20:27,425
So you're on Second Avenue,
eating in Cohen's Delicatessen.
405
00:20:27,426 --> 00:20:28,893
Is that right?
406
00:20:28,894 --> 00:20:34,165
No, I'm on Second Avenue,
not eating in Cohen's Delicatessen:
407
00:20:34,166 --> 00:20:36,968
A, that fish tastes like wool.
408
00:20:36,969 --> 00:20:41,305
And, B, I don't got a fork.
409
00:20:41,306 --> 00:20:43,808
Look that this. Half a cup
of coffee they give me.
410
00:20:46,645 --> 00:20:48,079
What's your name?
411
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:50,915
Julius Kassendorf, and
I'm sitting here in this
412
00:20:50,916 --> 00:20:54,318
filthy restaurant probably
being poisoned to death.
413
00:20:54,319 --> 00:20:56,320
It was cleaner
in my shtetl in Russia
414
00:20:56,321 --> 00:20:58,823
after the Kazakhs rode through.
415
00:20:58,824 --> 00:21:01,259
Oy, the Kazakhs with
their mesugana horses.
416
00:21:01,260 --> 00:21:04,161
What a mess they made from
my living room.
417
00:21:04,162 --> 00:21:08,933
Waiter! Waiter,
there's a schmutz in my water glass here.
418
00:21:10,402 --> 00:21:12,303
How old are you, Julius?
419
00:21:12,304 --> 00:21:16,641
I'm 90 years young.
I've been in this country 80 years.
420
00:21:16,642 --> 00:21:21,579
The second I got off
the boat, I had heartburn!
421
00:21:21,580 --> 00:21:23,081
Waiter!
422
00:21:26,051 --> 00:21:27,885
Are you comfortable now, Julius?
423
00:21:27,886 --> 00:21:29,721
I make a good living.
424
00:21:31,657 --> 00:21:33,658
Julius, let me ask you
one more thing.
425
00:21:33,659 --> 00:21:36,193
No more asking.
No more asking.
426
00:21:36,194 --> 00:21:39,196
I'm gonna take a little nap.
427
00:21:39,197 --> 00:21:41,199
You wake me up in time
for The Rifleman.
428
00:21:42,100 --> 00:21:44,535
Doctor, can you
bring him out of this?
429
00:21:44,536 --> 00:21:46,504
Oh, why would I want to?
430
00:21:46,505 --> 00:21:48,472
Do you know what
this could mean?
431
00:21:48,473 --> 00:21:51,275
Books, papers, lectures,
The Merv Griffin Show?
432
00:21:51,276 --> 00:21:54,045
Oh, doctor, we have to at least
try to bring him back.
433
00:21:54,046 --> 00:21:56,013
Yes, yes. I know that.
434
00:21:56,014 --> 00:21:58,516
I am a doctor, for God sakes.
435
00:21:58,517 --> 00:22:00,385
I did have to take
that ridiculous oath.
436
00:22:02,888 --> 00:22:05,856
Julius... I'm gonna
clap my hands.
437
00:22:05,857 --> 00:22:07,291
Now, when I clap my hands,
438
00:22:07,292 --> 00:22:10,161
you will no longer be Julius
Kassendorf on Second Avenue.
439
00:22:10,162 --> 00:22:14,965
You will be Jodie Dallas back
in my office. All right?
440
00:22:14,966 --> 00:22:16,467
Here we go.
441
00:22:26,445 --> 00:22:30,314
Hava nagila Hava...
442
00:22:31,316 --> 00:22:33,818
Nagila,
Hava...
443
00:22:33,819 --> 00:22:34,819
Everybody!
444
00:22:34,820 --> 00:22:37,822
Nagila, Venis'mecha, ay
445
00:22:37,823 --> 00:22:40,825
Hava nagila, hay-la
446
00:22:40,826 --> 00:22:42,327
Lee-lee-la, hay-la...
447
00:22:44,196 --> 00:22:46,697
What will Burt do
now that Mary has walked out,
448
00:22:46,698 --> 00:22:48,699
besides have more legroomin the limo?
449
00:22:48,700 --> 00:22:50,568
Will Chester come back to Annie?
450
00:22:50,569 --> 00:22:53,070
If he does, will shetake him back? Why?
451
00:22:53,071 --> 00:22:55,072
Now that Jodiehas been hypnotized
452
00:22:55,073 --> 00:22:58,075
and can't be brought back,
will he stay stuck forever?
453
00:22:58,076 --> 00:23:01,445
Will he marry Maggie or will helook for a nice Jewish girl?
454
00:23:01,446 --> 00:23:03,447
These questions and many otherswill be answered
455
00:23:03,448 --> 00:23:06,884
in the next episode of... Soap.
456
00:23:06,934 --> 00:23:11,484
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