Original subtitles

This is the story of two sisters,

Jessica Tate

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates,

and these are the Campbells.

And this is Soap.

Mrs. Tate! Mrs. Tate!

Open up! El Puerco is missing!

Somebody stole El Puerco!

Ah! Excuse me.

Oh! My life will be over! What will I do?!

Where will I go?!

Oops.

What a faux paz.

What an embarrassing moment.

Oh boy, is my face ever red.

Juan One, what are you doing?

I was looking for you.

Well, you found me.

Now, go fly in the lake!

I'm not supposed to tell nobody. Right, Boss?

Get out of here.

I think in America, this is called a home run.

A grand slam for the great swine.

Good morning.

Buenos morning.

My... it's going to be a beautiful day.

Oh, Jessica, please forgive me.

I was an animal last night.

El...

Oh! I came to you out of weakness

and I took advantage of you.

Why did I do it? Why, why, why?

Because I asked you to.

You did?

Well, not exactly.

I invited you up to my room,

and you, kind of, took it from there.

Oh! So, how was I?

What?

Well, I don't mean to sound presumptual,

but I have a personal question to ask you about myself.

Forgive me.

Well, of course, dear. What?

Was I the greatest, or what?

The greatest?

S?.

The greatest what?

The greatest lover.

Oh, that.

I mean... was I better than anyone?

Well, I don't know. I haven't tried everyone.

I don't mean the greatest in the whole world.

Well, yes, I did mean that, actually.

But just for starters...

was I amazing or am I just crazy?

Well, you were... different.

Different.

But... how different?

Just different. Everyone is different.

Yeah. But... was I the best different?

Well, when you love someone, it's always the best.

Ah, lo sab?a!

So, I was the best?!

No.

Second best?

No, not really.

I washed out?

Well...

Ay caramba. I mean, not to be the greatest in the world,

well, okay, I can accept that.

I mean... new kid comes along

younger, stronger, better wind...

But... to be a... washout?

Excuse me, please. I don't think I want to live any longer.

Adi?s.

Oh, El, El. El, come now.

Come on. Please, sit. Sit.

Come on. Let us have a little chat.

S??

Now... El, you remember last night

when you were having so much fun?

S?.

Well, you were the only one.

See, I didn't have any fun.

But women don't have fun.

Oh, yes, they do.

You're kidding.

No, I'm not.

Do you remember when your eyes crossed?

Just before I started yelling, "?ndale! ?ndale!" S?, s?.

Well, El, I never got to yell, "?ndale! ?ndale!"

You mean, women yell "?ndale" too?

I didn't know that.

Well, it's true.

Holy cow. The nuns never told us that.

Well, it's something to keep in mind.

Jessica...

do you remember when you was a little kid,

and you used to go to the park with your friend? Mm.

And first your friend would push the swing for you and then...

And you would push the swing for your friend?

Mm.

How about if now...

I do the pushing and you do the swinging?

Mm.

Excuse me.

But I have to see to my men.

I shall return en un momentito.

Goodbye.

Ta.

What is with you two?

Oh, goodness. It is so nice to have breakfast

with all of you again.

How is everyone?

Well... Eunice is a little crabby these days.

I am not crabby, I am never crabby.

How dare you call me crabby?

I'm the picture of non-crabbiness.

Pass me that toast, damn it.

She's just a little cranky

because our sex life is in the toilet.

Dutch.

Well, Eunice, let's call a spade a spade.

These fantasies are driving me crazy.

Dutch!

For one thing, I can't breathe in the gorilla mask.

And furthermore, last night,

I sprained my ankle on the damn oilcan.

Oilcan?

It was nothing, we were just...

We was doing the Wizard of Oz, and I was the Tin Man.

Billy, did you enjoy your little rescue mission?

That was just the beginning, Mom.

Yesterday Malibu...

tomorrow Malaguay.

For freedom is my sword and shield.

Oh, Saunders, are we out of Pop-Tarts?

Hey, Saunders, do you know what I can't figure?

Something you can't figure? You're kidding.

Yeah, how come a guy like you

knows all about guerilla warfare.

It don't make sense.

It don't make sense.

Surprise!

Oh, good. It's the Pigeon sisters.

Are you ready?

Chester and I got married.

Well... Annie, congratulations, dear.

Oh, thank you, Mrs. Tate.

Hey, yeah, Annie, all the best.

Oh, Dutch.

All the happiness. Billy.

Oh my dear... good luck.

Princess, aren't you going to wish us all the best?

Pig!

Un momento!

You tramp!

You scum! You slime!

God, I hate you.

God, how I hate you!

She's just a little cranky. Our sex life is in the toilet.

Risky career move, Colonel,

marrying a local girl. No.

But, oh, what a set of casabas.

- Hello. - Hi.

Hello.

Would you like some champagne?

Oh, no. It's 8:00 in the morning.

Well, we're kind of celebrating. Oh?

Yes, El. Chester and Annie tied the knot.

You mean, like we tied the knot?

Uh, no.

Well, th-they got married.

How nice. Congratulations, Annie.

Thank you.

What does he mean by that?

What?

"Like we tied the knot." What kind of knot did we tie?

Well, Chester,

I really don't think it's any of your business.

You have a glow.

Billy.

Right.

She has a what?

Both of you, you're both glowing.

Chester.

You slept with her, didn't you?

Chester.

You did, you did. I know you did. Don't say you didn't,

because I know you did, didn't you?

I think he knows.

A fine thing.

Your husband leaves the house for one night

to get married.

And as soon as his back is turned,

you fool around with the first foreigner that happens by.

Chester, you have just come into this house and announced

that you were married.

Am I glowing? Do I have a glow?

Chester.

It's one thing to do it out of spite or revenge...

that's forgivable... but to glow...

Oh, Jess, how could you?

Chester, sweetheart, there's nothing wrong

with what they did.

Do shut up, you little slut.

Don't you have any regard for the sacrament of divorce?

Chester, you're horrible.

You're a horrible, horrible man.

Chester... will you please leave this house.

I want you to know that never ever under any circumstances

would I ever set foot in this house again.

Mm.

Hi.

Ah.

Governor, Governor, Governor.

Bat.

Ha-ha! Ha-ha!

I want you to meet the little lady.

This is my wife, Pookie.

Pookie. That's a nice name.

It's short for Louisa.

Sure.

Can I wait in the limo, Jack?

Oh. She just loves limos.

She has been riding around in one for two terms,

and it still tickles the beans out of her.

Oh, I love how everyone tries to look in and see who you are,

and they can't because of the greened-out windows.

Oh, I just love that.

Yeah. Boy, I bet that's great.

Well, come on, sit down here.

Have a seat here.

Come on.

Mare? Mary, the governor's here.

Well, Bat, is the speech ready?

Ah. Oh, yes. It's just... I... I'm a little nervous.

I have a very bad memory,

and I'm afraid that I'm just going to forget it, you know.

Well... you may want to write it in the palm of your hand.

That's what I do.

And then when I gesture, I look at it.

Of course, once I sneezed and the ink ran,

and I couldn't make out a damn thing.

But it was on fiscal policy, and no one understands that.

So I just made up some numbers.

Oh, my God.

Are you all right?

Oh! I... I...

I'm very anxious to meet you,

but that was ridiculous.

I slipped.

Uh, this is, uh, Governor Rodenbach.

And this is his lovely wife,

uh, Poopsie Rodenbach.

This is Mary.

Pookie. Pookie...

Pookie, Pookie...

Yes, uh, may I...

Uh, excuse me.

Mare, could I see you in the kitchen for a minute, please?

I see that the reason was... I slipped, my shoes are new.

Oh, you should do what I do.

Have your secretary walk around in them first.

No.. Mm-hm.

Mare, come here.

Excuse me just a minute here, I'm just gonna...

Just gonna to fix the bottoms of her shoes.

You see, I like new shoes.

Uh-huh. Really?

I like to skate around on the tiled floors with them.

Excuse me.

Oh.

How the hell could you do that to me?

To you?

I almost broke my neck.

You know how important tonight is and what do you do?

You go out and get yourself stinking drunk.

Burt, I haven't had a drink in days.

These are new shoes. I slipped.

Slipped, yeah. You slipped. You really do slip.

Mare, I'm fed up with this.

Burt, for God sakes, I am not drunk,

Smell my breath. Haa.

Binaca.

Well, yes. I always use that before I go out.

But under the Binaca... Under that... Haa. Haa.

Nothing. Just breath, I swear.

Mary, you are ruining me.

Do you hear this? You are really ruining me.

Now, I don't know what I'm going to do with you.

Burt, have I ever lied to you?

What? Don't change the subject.

I have never lied to you, never.

And I am not lying to you now. Shh.

I have not had a drink in three days.

Do you believe me?

No.

Fine.

Well... don't worry about it, Burt.

Don't worry about me ruining you... because I can't.

You've already done that yourself.

Mm.

You don't listen anymore You're never here anymore.

You don't care anymore.

And I don't like you... anymore.

Mary, what are you... Mary! Mary!

Will you just listen? Listen, I...

Get back!

Well...

Dutch... are you coming in or not?

I can't.

Why not?

You'll hate the costume. I know you will.

Well, I can't hate it if can't see it.

I'm starting to draw a crowd. I feel really stupid.

So, come on in and stop feeling stupid, you moron.

All right. All right.

Roxanne!

Oh, Roxanne... your name is like a golden bell hung in my heart.

And when I think of you, I tremble, and the bell swings

and rings, Roxanne, Roxanne, Roxanne.

Well... you gave it a shot.

Good night.

Don't you want to honk my nose?

Oh, Dutch. You come flying in here dressed in

a Cyrano de Bergerac costume and expect to turn me on?

Well, this is all they had in my size except for a horse,

and that takes two people.

Dutch, I'm really tired.

I'll see you in the morning okay? Good night.

Eunice...

I am not sleeping on the couch again tonight.

Oh, Dutch, I don't know. I can't help it.

It's just that I get nauseous

whenever I think of having sex with you.

But I sincerely hope you don't take it personally, darling.

Maybe we should see a shrink.

Oh, so now, we're sick, is that it?

What do you mean "we"?

So it's my fault?

No, it's nobody's fault.

If we got a problem, we should work it out.

Well, I agree. We do have a problem, both of us.

For instance... my problem is that you make me violently ill.

Your problem is that you repulse me.

What are we gonna do, Eunice?

I don't know. Why don't you just try that thing you did

last Thursday.

What thing?

You know, when you came through the window

with the stocking on your head.

Now, for some reason that was an incredible turn-on.

When was this?

Last Thursday.

Why don't you just get the same outfit and try it again, okay?

Only this time do not really steal my jewelry.

Eunice, that wasn't me.

What?

That wasn't me. I never came through the window

with a stocking over my head.

Oh. Oh.

Ah... Oh, well. Oh, yes,

Of course. My mistake.

Okay. My mistake. Good night, darling.

Hey, wait a second. Wait a second.

If that wasn't me with a stocking over my head,

then who was it with a stocking over my head?

Obviously, no one.

What do you mean, no one?

You were dreaming.

Oh. Are you sure?

Absolutely sure.

If it wasn't you, you must have been dreaming, darling, okay?

Good night.

Good night, Eunice.

Yoo-hoo.

Now, Jodie... when I touch your arm,

I want you to try and tell me exactly where you are.

All right...

Where are you?

You call this a piece of fish?

This is garbage. Take this away from me.

Jodie.

A buck and a half I do not pay for garbage.

Who are you?

Doc, what's the matter?

Jodie... try and tell me where you are.

I'm in Cohen's Delicatessen on Second Avenue and Eighth Street,

and I'm not enjoying myself either,

in case you were interested.

Jodie, this is Dr. Rudolf.

Ooh, woo, a doctor! Whoa. Fancy schmancy.

A doctor is talking to me? Impressed, I'm not.

Jodie, try and tell me something.

Tell you something.

You tell me something, Mr. Hotshot Doctor.

Like what?

Like what?

Like what killed that fish.

I can't eat that. What am I, a seagull?

Waiter.

So you're on Second Avenue, eating in Cohen's Delicatessen.

Is that right?

No, I'm on Second Avenue, not eating in Cohen's Delicatessen:

A, that fish tastes like wool.

And, B, I don't got a fork.

Look that this. Half a cup of coffee they give me.

What's your name?

Julius Kassendorf, and I'm sitting here in this

filthy restaurant probably being poisoned to death.

It was cleaner in my shtetl in Russia

after the Kazakhs rode through.

Oy, the Kazakhs with their mesugana horses.

What a mess they made from my living room.

Waiter! Waiter, there's a schmutz in my water glass here.

How old are you, Julius?

I'm 90 years young. I've been in this country 80 years.

The second I got off the boat, I had heartburn!

Waiter!

Are you comfortable now, Julius?

I make a good living.

Julius, let me ask you one more thing.

No more asking. No more asking.

I'm gonna take a little nap.

You wake me up in time for The Rifleman.

Doctor, can you bring him out of this?

Oh, why would I want to?

Do you know what this could mean?

Books, papers, lectures, The Merv Griffin Show?

Oh, doctor, we have to at least try to bring him back.

Yes, yes. I know that.

I am a doctor, for God sakes.

I did have to take that ridiculous oath.

Julius... I'm gonna clap my hands.

Now, when I clap my hands,

you will no longer be Julius Kassendorf on Second Avenue.

You will be Jodie Dallas back in my office. All right?

Here we go.

Hava nagila Hava...

Nagila, Hava...

Everybody!

Nagila, Venis'mecha, ay

Hava nagila, hay-la

Lee-lee-la, hay-la...

What will Burt do now that Mary has walked out,

besides have more legroom in the limo?

Will Chester come back to Annie?

If he does, will she take him back? Why?

Now that Jodie has been hypnotized

and can't be brought back, will he stay stuck forever?

Will he marry Maggie or will he look for a nice Jewish girl?

These questions and many others will be answered

in the next episode of... Soap.

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