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This is the story of two sisters,
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00:00:05,572 --> 00:00:08,073
Jessica Tate
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and Mary Campbell.
4
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These are the Tates,
5
00:00:14,014 --> 00:00:17,483
and these are the Campbells.
6
00:00:17,484 --> 00:00:20,019
And this is Soap.
7
00:00:46,813 --> 00:00:50,249
Yeah? Yeah, well, he's
very busy right now.
8
00:00:50,250 --> 00:00:53,752
I'll try to squeeze you in,
but it's not gonna be easy.
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00:00:53,753 --> 00:00:55,187
Who is he taking to?
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The president.
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Oh.
12
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Hey, hey, Mare, look at this.
13
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Hey, hold it down, will ya?
14
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Yeah, dinner next week.
15
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Well, that sounds good.
16
00:01:13,206 --> 00:01:14,206
Who's he taking to?
17
00:01:14,207 --> 00:01:15,707
The president.
18
00:01:15,708 --> 00:01:17,209
The president, nice.
Where's Mare?
19
00:01:17,210 --> 00:01:18,710
Uh, in the kitchen.
20
00:01:18,711 --> 00:01:19,711
So listen, Ron,
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00:01:19,712 --> 00:01:22,214
I'm a vegetarian, so just salad.
22
00:01:22,215 --> 00:01:23,715
Jellybeans are okay.
23
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Say hi to the little First Lady.
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You betcha, Ronnie.
25
00:01:25,718 --> 00:01:27,219
Oh, the president, you...
26
00:01:27,220 --> 00:01:29,721
The president?
Give me that.
27
00:01:29,722 --> 00:01:32,224
Hi, I loved you
in Death Valley Days.
28
00:01:35,595 --> 00:01:37,062
Hello? He hung up.
29
00:01:37,063 --> 00:01:40,065
What's the matter with you?
The president calls and that's it.
30
00:01:40,066 --> 00:01:43,569
Will you relax? You're having
dinner at the White House.
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00:01:43,570 --> 00:01:45,571
What are you talking about,
dinner at the White House?
32
00:01:45,572 --> 00:01:48,073
I want to know, that's...
33
00:01:48,074 --> 00:01:51,076
Why was he talking
to the president?
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He's your manager, remember?
35
00:01:52,579 --> 00:01:54,580
Chuck, he cannot be my manager.
36
00:01:54,581 --> 00:01:55,581
Burt, what's the matter?
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Bob's my manager.
38
00:01:56,583 --> 00:01:59,084
Oh, how nice.
39
00:01:59,085 --> 00:02:01,086
He can't be my manager.
40
00:02:01,087 --> 00:02:03,088
Burt, what's that?
41
00:02:03,089 --> 00:02:06,091
I just made the cover
of News View.
42
00:02:06,092 --> 00:02:09,094
Isn't that wonderful!
43
00:02:09,095 --> 00:02:10,596
Chuck, look, the cover.
44
00:02:10,597 --> 00:02:13,098
Yeah, who do you
think set it up?
45
00:02:13,099 --> 00:02:15,601
Why do they call
you Bat Campbell?
46
00:02:15,602 --> 00:02:17,102
I don't know, I don't know.
47
00:02:17,103 --> 00:02:19,605
It's just that they thought that
Bat had more bite than Burt,
48
00:02:19,606 --> 00:02:22,107
so they went for the bite
instead of the Burt.
49
00:02:23,610 --> 00:02:25,110
Yeah, this is his manager.
50
00:02:25,111 --> 00:02:26,111
Who's calling?
51
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Give me the phone.
Don't do that.
52
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Hello, it's Bat Campbell here.
53
00:02:31,985 --> 00:02:34,988
Oh-ho, oh-ho, when?
54
00:02:36,356 --> 00:02:38,357
Oh, yeah, well, where?
55
00:02:38,358 --> 00:02:39,358
Well, no. Sure, sure, sure.
56
00:02:39,359 --> 00:02:40,359
No, just when?
57
00:02:40,360 --> 00:02:41,360
Now?
58
00:02:41,361 --> 00:02:43,362
Not now, later?
All right, sure. Where?
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00:02:43,363 --> 00:02:45,364
Burt, what is it?
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00:02:45,365 --> 00:02:46,866
Okay, right-o.
Bye-bye.
61
00:02:47,867 --> 00:02:48,868
Who was that?
62
00:02:49,869 --> 00:02:51,370
Norman Mailer.
63
00:02:51,371 --> 00:02:52,871
He just wanted to know if
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00:02:52,872 --> 00:02:55,374
I'd autograph the book
he just wrote about me.
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00:02:55,375 --> 00:02:56,875
He hasn't even met you.
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00:02:56,876 --> 00:03:00,078
Never stopped him before.
67
00:03:00,079 --> 00:03:01,079
Oh, by the way, you're speaking
68
00:03:01,080 --> 00:03:04,583
at the police academy tonight,
so get a haircut.
69
00:03:04,584 --> 00:03:06,585
Look, Chuck,
please, this is crazy.
70
00:03:06,586 --> 00:03:08,086
Bob cannot be my manager.
71
00:03:08,087 --> 00:03:10,589
What would the president think
if he thought I entrusted
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00:03:10,590 --> 00:03:13,092
my career to that stupid dummy
of yours?
73
00:03:15,094 --> 00:03:17,095
Oh, that did it.
74
00:03:17,096 --> 00:03:18,096
I've had it.
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00:03:18,097 --> 00:03:21,100
Chuck, get up and walk
out of here in a huff.
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00:03:22,101 --> 00:03:23,102
Right!
77
00:03:30,009 --> 00:03:31,977
Dinner at the White House.
78
00:03:31,978 --> 00:03:34,880
Mary, did you ever dream
in a million years
79
00:03:34,881 --> 00:03:36,882
you'll have dinner
with the president?
80
00:03:36,883 --> 00:03:40,085
Burt, do you realize
what you just did?
81
00:03:40,086 --> 00:03:41,520
What?
82
00:03:41,521 --> 00:03:42,955
You insulted them.
83
00:03:42,956 --> 00:03:44,423
Them?
84
00:03:44,424 --> 00:03:47,426
Chuck and Bob.
That was terrible.
85
00:03:47,427 --> 00:03:49,828
Mary, he's a dummy.
86
00:03:49,829 --> 00:03:52,297
Burt, they have lived
in this house all this time,
87
00:03:52,298 --> 00:03:54,299
and you've never
called him that.
88
00:03:54,300 --> 00:03:56,768
I think that you have
to apologize to him.
89
00:03:56,769 --> 00:03:58,270
Uh, which one?
90
00:03:58,271 --> 00:03:59,705
Chuck.
91
00:03:59,706 --> 00:04:01,707
Burt, he's your son.
92
00:04:01,708 --> 00:04:04,142
All right, all right,
I'll apologize.
93
00:04:04,143 --> 00:04:05,644
All right?
94
00:04:05,645 --> 00:04:07,145
Just that Bob gets so
holier-than-thou
95
00:04:07,146 --> 00:04:08,647
when his feelings get hurt.
96
00:04:09,649 --> 00:04:11,583
Burt, what's gotten into you.
97
00:04:11,584 --> 00:04:13,552
Mmm, nothin'. What are
you talking about?
98
00:04:13,553 --> 00:04:15,555
I don't think
I know you anymore.
99
00:04:16,556 --> 00:04:19,057
No, I'm... Hey, Mare,
come on, Mare.
100
00:04:19,058 --> 00:04:22,060
I know I seem different to you
now because I'm a hero,
101
00:04:22,061 --> 00:04:25,063
but I'm still the same old guy
you married, Mare, really.
102
00:04:25,064 --> 00:04:28,500
No, you're not, Burt.
You're not the same. You've changed.
103
00:04:28,501 --> 00:04:30,836
You're not the same man
you were a week ago.
104
00:04:30,837 --> 00:04:33,305
All right, all right, all right,
so I changed a little.
105
00:04:33,306 --> 00:04:34,806
So what, Mare?
106
00:04:34,807 --> 00:04:38,310
Mare, I got a chance now to do
something, like, wonderful.
107
00:04:39,679 --> 00:04:42,681
I'm a hero.
People need heroes.
108
00:04:42,682 --> 00:04:44,182
Maybe you don't like
the idea that I'm a hero,
109
00:04:44,183 --> 00:04:47,185
but if they need a Bat Campbell,
they should have a Bat Campbell.
110
00:04:47,186 --> 00:04:50,088
Mary, I got a chance
to do something good now.
111
00:04:51,991 --> 00:04:53,925
Don't you understand?
112
00:04:53,926 --> 00:04:56,228
No, I don't understand.
113
00:04:58,231 --> 00:04:59,271
I don't understand at all.
114
00:05:19,952 --> 00:05:21,453
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
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00:05:21,454 --> 00:05:22,954
Danny, Danny.
116
00:05:22,955 --> 00:05:23,956
Ogh!
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00:05:26,959 --> 00:05:29,461
Easy there, Burt, I'm still
a little tender back there.
118
00:05:29,462 --> 00:05:30,962
I'm sorry.
You know, I just forgot.
119
00:05:30,963 --> 00:05:32,964
It's all right.
120
00:05:32,965 --> 00:05:33,966
Burt.
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Bat.
122
00:05:38,971 --> 00:05:40,472
Bat.
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00:05:40,473 --> 00:05:44,476
The conquering hero.
Oh, jeez, I'm proud of ya.
124
00:05:44,477 --> 00:05:46,978
I'm sorry I haven't been around
to see you lately, but...
125
00:05:46,979 --> 00:05:50,482
Hey, don't worry about it,
no problem.
126
00:05:50,483 --> 00:05:53,486
I, uh... Ugh!
I've been, uh...
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00:05:54,487 --> 00:05:56,988
I've been reading about you
in the newspapers,
128
00:05:56,989 --> 00:05:59,491
and I saw you on TV.
129
00:05:59,492 --> 00:06:01,994
You know, you look shorter
in real life than in person.
130
00:06:06,899 --> 00:06:07,899
Really?
131
00:06:07,900 --> 00:06:10,902
Yeah, but you've got
a good TV face.
132
00:06:10,903 --> 00:06:13,905
Yeah, your face looks real good.
133
00:06:13,906 --> 00:06:17,409
Of course, it could be
the antenna, but I don't think so.
134
00:06:17,410 --> 00:06:20,412
Oh, Dan, how does it feel?
135
00:06:20,413 --> 00:06:22,914
Well, sort of metal, you know,
those two thin metal rods
136
00:06:22,915 --> 00:06:25,417
attached at the back of the set.
137
00:06:25,418 --> 00:06:28,854
No, no, no, Dan, I'm talking
about the kidneys.
138
00:06:28,855 --> 00:06:30,856
How's it working?
139
00:06:30,857 --> 00:06:34,326
I really haven't had much
of a chance to use it yet.
140
00:06:34,327 --> 00:06:36,829
The real test, I guess, would be
a couple of margaritas.
141
00:06:38,331 --> 00:06:41,233
But the doctor says that
my body seems to be
142
00:06:41,234 --> 00:06:43,735
accepting Chester's kidney.
143
00:06:43,736 --> 00:06:45,737
Hey, Danny, you know,
that's terrific.
144
00:06:45,738 --> 00:06:50,242
Yeah. Well, the trouble is...
145
00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:53,111
I don't know whether
I've accepted it yet.
146
00:06:53,112 --> 00:06:55,614
Danny, will you stop thinking
of this as Chester's kidney?
147
00:06:55,615 --> 00:06:57,616
When it was inside Chester,
it was Chester's.
148
00:06:57,617 --> 00:06:59,117
It's inside you, it's yours.
149
00:06:59,118 --> 00:07:02,120
Possession is nine-tenths
of the law.
150
00:07:02,121 --> 00:07:06,124
You know, Burt,
I just wanna tell you
151
00:07:06,125 --> 00:07:08,627
that even though Chester
is my real father,
152
00:07:08,628 --> 00:07:12,631
that nothing's changed
between you and me.
153
00:07:12,632 --> 00:07:15,133
You're still my best buddy.
154
00:07:15,134 --> 00:07:17,636
The guy I look up
to and respect.
155
00:07:17,637 --> 00:07:18,637
Hey, Dan.
156
00:07:18,638 --> 00:07:20,138
Whoa-ho-ho-ho.
157
00:07:20,139 --> 00:07:23,141
Sorry, Danny, it's just...
You listen, that's right.
158
00:07:23,142 --> 00:07:27,646
No matter whose kid you are,
I'm still your pops here, right?
159
00:07:27,647 --> 00:07:29,147
Yeah.
160
00:07:29,148 --> 00:07:31,149
I'm glad to hear you
talk that way
161
00:07:31,150 --> 00:07:33,652
because I've been
thinking it over.
162
00:07:33,653 --> 00:07:35,153
What?
163
00:07:35,154 --> 00:07:38,156
Well, I don't want to hurt
Chester's feelings,
164
00:07:38,157 --> 00:07:41,660
but I've decided that I want
you to be my best man
165
00:07:41,661 --> 00:07:43,662
and Chester can give
away the bride.
166
00:07:43,663 --> 00:07:45,664
Does that sound
reasonable to you?
167
00:07:45,665 --> 00:07:46,665
Hey, that sounds fine.
168
00:07:46,666 --> 00:07:47,667
That's reasonable.
169
00:07:51,671 --> 00:07:53,673
Somebody getting married?
170
00:07:55,675 --> 00:07:56,675
Me.
171
00:07:56,676 --> 00:07:58,678
Hoo-hoo-hoooo!
172
00:08:00,680 --> 00:08:04,149
Uh, anybody I know?
173
00:08:04,150 --> 00:08:05,650
Of course, Gwen.
174
00:08:05,651 --> 00:08:06,652
Gwen!
175
00:08:09,155 --> 00:08:10,956
Gwen.
176
00:08:10,957 --> 00:08:12,958
Well, sure, who else?
177
00:08:12,959 --> 00:08:14,426
Dan, now listen up here.
178
00:08:14,427 --> 00:08:18,430
The governor wants me to head up
his Crime Task Force, right?
179
00:08:18,431 --> 00:08:19,431
Yeah.
180
00:08:19,432 --> 00:08:20,932
So what happens if they find out
181
00:08:20,933 --> 00:08:24,903
that my Deputy's wife
is... a hooker?
182
00:08:24,904 --> 00:08:26,404
I mean, what happens?
183
00:08:26,405 --> 00:08:27,906
What is the credibility?
184
00:08:27,907 --> 00:08:29,407
Oh, big deal.
185
00:08:29,408 --> 00:08:31,910
So we can't buy
on credit anymore.
186
00:08:34,413 --> 00:08:36,415
No, no, no, no.
187
00:08:38,417 --> 00:08:40,919
Credibility, I mean, who is
gonna entrust this country
188
00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:43,922
to a man whose stepson
is married to a hooker?
189
00:08:43,923 --> 00:08:46,358
All our hopes, all our dreams,
all our good intentions
190
00:08:46,359 --> 00:08:48,860
go write down the drain,
and along with them, Danny,
191
00:08:48,861 --> 00:08:51,863
the well-being of every American
goes down the drain too.
192
00:08:51,864 --> 00:08:53,765
I don't understand this.
193
00:08:53,766 --> 00:08:55,734
All right, I'll try it again.
194
00:08:55,735 --> 00:08:58,236
Now, the governor has asked me
to be the head of his Crime...
195
00:08:58,237 --> 00:09:02,140
No, no, Burt,
I understand that part.
196
00:09:02,141 --> 00:09:03,842
I just can't believe
that you're telling me
197
00:09:03,843 --> 00:09:06,111
I can't marry the woman I love.
198
00:09:06,112 --> 00:09:07,112
Hey, I... No.
199
00:09:07,113 --> 00:09:08,113
I didn't say never marry her.
200
00:09:08,114 --> 00:09:09,614
I'm just saying just wait.
201
00:09:09,615 --> 00:09:11,116
Just a little while.
202
00:09:11,117 --> 00:09:12,517
Well, how long?
203
00:09:12,518 --> 00:09:14,987
Until we wipe out
crime in America?
204
00:09:20,192 --> 00:09:21,193
Goodbye, Burt.
205
00:09:24,196 --> 00:09:25,196
Goodbye?
206
00:09:25,197 --> 00:09:26,198
Danny!
207
00:09:28,701 --> 00:09:30,669
I'm going home.
208
00:09:30,670 --> 00:09:35,473
I'm going home to ask the woman
I love if she'll marry me.
209
00:09:35,474 --> 00:09:37,476
So long, Bat.
210
00:09:46,953 --> 00:09:50,956
Here we go,
welcome home, Chester.
211
00:09:50,957 --> 00:09:52,958
Oh, oh.
212
00:09:52,959 --> 00:09:53,959
Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
213
00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:56,962
My stitches, be careful.
214
00:09:56,963 --> 00:09:58,463
Your stitches are out, Chester.
215
00:09:58,464 --> 00:09:59,965
So is my kidney.
216
00:10:00,967 --> 00:10:04,469
I have this big,
empty hole there.
217
00:10:04,470 --> 00:10:08,473
I keep worrying that my right
lung will drop into it.
218
00:10:08,474 --> 00:10:10,976
Now careful, careful.
219
00:10:10,977 --> 00:10:14,980
Okay, all right.
220
00:10:14,981 --> 00:10:16,481
Can I get you something to eat?
221
00:10:16,482 --> 00:10:20,385
Oh, my doctor says I can only
have special things.
222
00:10:20,386 --> 00:10:21,853
Oh, all right.
223
00:10:21,854 --> 00:10:24,356
Little Jell-O.
Okay.
224
00:10:24,357 --> 00:10:25,357
Cherry Jell-O.
225
00:10:25,358 --> 00:10:26,358
Okay.
226
00:10:26,359 --> 00:10:28,360
With a banana cut up in it.
227
00:10:28,361 --> 00:10:29,361
Okay.
228
00:10:29,362 --> 00:10:31,830
And grape juice with a straw.
229
00:10:31,831 --> 00:10:33,832
Yeah, okay, okay.
230
00:10:33,833 --> 00:10:35,768
And cinnamon toast.
231
00:10:37,770 --> 00:10:39,771
Hello, Chester.
232
00:10:39,772 --> 00:10:44,276
Hi. I'm still very weak
and have no appetite.
233
00:10:46,278 --> 00:10:48,279
Chester, I'd like
to talk to you.
234
00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:52,250
Oh, Jess, I almost died.
235
00:10:52,251 --> 00:10:53,251
Chester.
236
00:10:53,252 --> 00:10:55,754
Chester, you didn't almost die.
237
00:10:55,755 --> 00:10:56,722
Well, I could have.
238
00:10:56,723 --> 00:10:58,123
I could have.
239
00:10:58,124 --> 00:11:01,126
Well, you're going
to be just fine.
240
00:11:01,127 --> 00:11:04,129
Now, Chester, I do need
to speak to you.
241
00:11:04,130 --> 00:11:06,631
Oh, Jess, I could still die.
242
00:11:06,632 --> 00:11:09,034
I could die right on this couch.
243
00:11:09,035 --> 00:11:10,535
Chester.
244
00:11:10,536 --> 00:11:13,872
I know...
You know.
245
00:11:15,841 --> 00:11:19,844
Jess, you have to know that
I didn't even know who you were
246
00:11:19,845 --> 00:11:23,348
when I was...
sleeping with Mary.
247
00:11:23,349 --> 00:11:25,350
Really, I didn't even know
your name.
248
00:11:25,351 --> 00:11:26,852
I thought it was Jennifer.
249
00:11:28,854 --> 00:11:31,856
I did. I thought
your name was Jennifer.
250
00:11:31,857 --> 00:11:36,327
Chester, you married me. You
married me without loving me,
251
00:11:36,328 --> 00:11:38,630
and that's really
the awful part.
252
00:11:38,631 --> 00:11:42,033
But I fell in love
with you, Jess. I did.
253
00:11:42,034 --> 00:11:43,034
It... All right.
254
00:11:43,035 --> 00:11:44,969
You're right, not at first.
255
00:11:44,970 --> 00:11:47,906
At first, I thought
you were a nice piece,
256
00:11:47,907 --> 00:11:50,309
and if I had to get married,
well, I could do a lot worse.
257
00:11:53,679 --> 00:11:56,181
Always the romantic.
258
00:11:56,182 --> 00:12:00,018
But I fell in love with you,
Jess. I swear I did.
259
00:12:00,019 --> 00:12:03,955
Chester, you certainly had
peculiar ways of showing it.
260
00:12:03,956 --> 00:12:05,457
Why, because I cheated?
261
00:12:06,459 --> 00:12:12,464
Well, Jess, I'll always cheat.
I can't help it.
262
00:12:12,465 --> 00:12:13,465
I cheated on you.
263
00:12:13,466 --> 00:12:16,968
I cheated on the women
I cheated on you with.
264
00:12:16,969 --> 00:12:17,970
I'll cheated on Annie.
265
00:12:19,972 --> 00:12:21,973
Doesn't mean
that I didn't love you.
266
00:12:21,974 --> 00:12:25,376
I loved you, Jess.
267
00:12:25,377 --> 00:12:27,378
Guess I always will.
268
00:12:27,379 --> 00:12:30,348
You did grow
to love me, Chester?
269
00:12:30,349 --> 00:12:33,618
Very quickly, and very easily.
270
00:12:40,059 --> 00:12:43,728
Then there's no necessity
for forgiveness.
271
00:12:43,729 --> 00:12:46,064
What about Mary?
272
00:12:47,900 --> 00:12:49,667
No.
273
00:12:49,668 --> 00:12:52,671
I can't forgive Mary.
274
00:12:55,107 --> 00:12:58,643
I'd like to, but in my heart
I cannot forgive Mary.
275
00:13:10,689 --> 00:13:11,690
Ya!
276
00:13:12,191 --> 00:13:14,192
Ah-ha!
277
00:13:14,193 --> 00:13:15,193
All right.
278
00:13:16,695 --> 00:13:19,197
You see, now when
you glaze El Puerco,
279
00:13:19,198 --> 00:13:23,701
you must always glaze El Puerco
with long sweeping strokes.
280
00:13:23,702 --> 00:13:25,203
Juan One, would you please
281
00:13:25,204 --> 00:13:26,844
demonstrate to General Billy
how to glaze?
282
00:13:29,708 --> 00:13:31,209
See that?
283
00:13:31,210 --> 00:13:35,213
Up and down.
Up and down.
284
00:13:35,214 --> 00:13:37,215
It's all in the wrist.
285
00:13:37,216 --> 00:13:38,216
Oh.
286
00:13:38,217 --> 00:13:39,717
Hey, hey.
287
00:13:39,718 --> 00:13:41,219
It's all right.
288
00:13:41,220 --> 00:13:44,222
Ah, Juan One, you are
a true artist.
289
00:13:44,223 --> 00:13:46,224
The Picasso of Puerco.
290
00:13:46,225 --> 00:13:48,727
You are too kind,
oh, great swine.
291
00:13:50,729 --> 00:13:54,732
Why's pig-glazing included in
the Malaguayan training manual.
292
00:13:54,733 --> 00:13:57,235
Because an army fights
on its stomach,
293
00:13:57,236 --> 00:13:58,736
and that is why
we will eventually
294
00:13:58,737 --> 00:14:00,738
defeat the Communists,
right, Juan One?
295
00:14:00,739 --> 00:14:02,240
S?.
296
00:14:02,241 --> 00:14:03,741
The Communists don't eat, Juan?
297
00:14:03,742 --> 00:14:07,746
They eat crap, or as we say
in Malaguay, crapola.
298
00:14:09,248 --> 00:14:11,249
Juan One, that would
be all, thank you.
299
00:14:11,250 --> 00:14:13,251
I can't wait to try it.
It smells delicious.
300
00:14:13,252 --> 00:14:14,252
Oh, no, no, no.
301
00:14:14,253 --> 00:14:15,753
This not for our consumption.
302
00:14:15,754 --> 00:14:19,257
I have prepared
this Puerco for Saunders.
303
00:14:19,258 --> 00:14:20,259
Why?
304
00:14:21,260 --> 00:14:23,261
Because Saunders doesn't
like me very much.
305
00:14:23,262 --> 00:14:24,262
Oh, no, no.
306
00:14:24,263 --> 00:14:26,264
Yes, and I know your mother
looks up to him
307
00:14:26,265 --> 00:14:28,766
and depends on him,
so I want him to like me.
308
00:14:28,767 --> 00:14:30,768
Ah, speak of el diablo.
309
00:14:30,769 --> 00:14:33,772
It's a luau.
310
00:14:35,274 --> 00:14:37,775
Saunders, I would like
to present to you,
311
00:14:37,776 --> 00:14:40,278
in hopes of a lasting
friendship,
312
00:14:40,279 --> 00:14:42,280
the pride of my peoples.
313
00:14:42,281 --> 00:14:45,284
El puerco del Puerco.
314
00:14:48,287 --> 00:14:50,288
Well, I must admit,
it does look delicious,
315
00:14:50,289 --> 00:14:53,791
and I think I'm delighted
by your gesture.
316
00:14:53,792 --> 00:14:54,792
Gracias, Signore El.
317
00:14:54,793 --> 00:14:56,294
Qu? bueno.
318
00:14:57,296 --> 00:15:00,298
We have a little saying
in our country:
319
00:15:00,299 --> 00:15:05,804
"There is no peace offering so
nice as a nice piece of pig."
320
00:15:07,806 --> 00:15:09,807
Now, that's on par with, um,
321
00:15:09,808 --> 00:15:11,810
"Let a smile
be your umbrella."
322
00:15:13,312 --> 00:15:15,314
That was lovely!
323
00:15:18,817 --> 00:15:19,817
All right.
324
00:15:19,818 --> 00:15:20,818
Hey, Uncle Burt.
325
00:15:22,821 --> 00:15:24,823
Mariachis, El Puerco.
326
00:15:26,825 --> 00:15:27,825
Hey, everybody.
327
00:15:28,827 --> 00:15:30,328
Hey! Choo-guddy,
choo-guddy, choo!
328
00:15:34,833 --> 00:15:36,834
Excuse me, do you mind here?
329
00:15:36,835 --> 00:15:38,336
No offense, all right.
330
00:15:38,337 --> 00:15:40,838
El Puerco, I need
to talk to you.
331
00:15:40,839 --> 00:15:43,841
I got a very special mission,
and I need your help.
332
00:15:43,842 --> 00:15:45,343
You need me?
I... I am honored.
333
00:15:45,344 --> 00:15:46,844
Certainly, please.
334
00:15:46,845 --> 00:15:47,846
Juan One.
335
00:15:53,352 --> 00:15:55,853
I just got word that
Jodie and Maggie are being held prisoner
336
00:15:55,854 --> 00:15:58,356
in a fortress in Malibu
and I gotta get them out.
337
00:15:58,357 --> 00:16:00,825
Uncle Burt, why don't
you just call the police.
338
00:16:00,826 --> 00:16:02,327
The police?
339
00:16:02,328 --> 00:16:03,828
You are a hero.
You could call the Marines.
340
00:16:03,829 --> 00:16:06,331
No, no, no, no, no,
I can't do that.
341
00:16:06,332 --> 00:16:09,334
This is a very sticky situation
I'm talking about.
342
00:16:09,335 --> 00:16:12,338
Look, Wendy was...
343
00:16:15,341 --> 00:16:16,842
Wendy was born out of wedlock.
344
00:16:18,084 --> 00:16:19,844
Now, if this hits the papers
and they pick up
345
00:16:19,845 --> 00:16:23,348
on Jodie's...
alleged homosexuality,
346
00:16:23,349 --> 00:16:24,849
a lot of people
could get hurt here.
347
00:16:24,850 --> 00:16:26,351
I don't want
anybody getting hurt.
348
00:16:26,352 --> 00:16:28,853
This has got to be done
on the QT.
349
00:16:28,854 --> 00:16:29,854
Ah.
Ah.
350
00:16:29,855 --> 00:16:30,856
QT.
351
00:16:31,857 --> 00:16:33,358
All right.
352
00:16:33,359 --> 00:16:36,361
No, I mean, we gotta get
in there and get them out
353
00:16:36,362 --> 00:16:38,364
as quickly and as
quietly as possible.
354
00:16:39,865 --> 00:16:42,367
As you know, I am an expert
on guerilla warfare.
355
00:16:42,368 --> 00:16:44,369
I could possibly
give you some ideas.
356
00:16:44,370 --> 00:16:45,371
That's why I'm here.
Ah!
357
00:16:49,875 --> 00:16:55,881
I suggest we assemble our troops
and give each one a mission.
358
00:16:56,882 --> 00:16:59,384
That's good.
359
00:16:59,385 --> 00:17:04,889
And then, we call Israel
and ask them to do it.
360
00:17:04,890 --> 00:17:08,393
I can't call Israel,
I don't speak Hebrew.
361
00:17:08,394 --> 00:17:09,894
Besides, it's Friday
after sundown.
362
00:17:09,895 --> 00:17:12,397
Nobody is going to pick up
a phone over there.
363
00:17:13,899 --> 00:17:15,400
That's right.
It's Friday.
364
00:17:18,904 --> 00:17:19,905
Attention!
365
00:17:20,406 --> 00:17:21,906
At ease, men.
366
00:17:21,907 --> 00:17:22,907
Major.
367
00:17:22,908 --> 00:17:24,909
It has been brought
to my attention
368
00:17:24,910 --> 00:17:28,413
that the Japanese
have landed at Malibu.
369
00:17:28,414 --> 00:17:30,415
Hey, Major.
370
00:17:30,416 --> 00:17:34,419
Now, it's a fact that they
can't hold their liquor.
371
00:17:34,420 --> 00:17:35,920
They don't have
the stomach for it.
372
00:17:35,921 --> 00:17:38,423
They are too fragile, too wispy.
373
00:17:40,926 --> 00:17:44,929
It' true. Why do you think
they can't grow beards?
374
00:17:44,930 --> 00:17:48,433
We infiltrate their ranks,
get them loaded,
375
00:17:48,434 --> 00:17:51,936
and then when they're sleeping,
we call the Navy
376
00:17:51,937 --> 00:17:53,939
and bomb the beach.
377
00:17:55,307 --> 00:17:56,741
Oh, that's great, Major.
378
00:17:56,742 --> 00:17:59,244
I'll get the hooch.
379
00:18:01,246 --> 00:18:03,247
Chief, I got an idea!
380
00:18:03,248 --> 00:18:04,749
Will you guys please...
381
00:18:04,750 --> 00:18:05,750
Silencio!
382
00:18:05,751 --> 00:18:07,251
This is a free society.
383
00:18:07,252 --> 00:18:09,253
All have the right to be heard.
384
00:18:09,254 --> 00:18:10,254
Go ahead, Roberto.
385
00:18:10,255 --> 00:18:12,757
Gracias.
386
00:18:12,758 --> 00:18:13,759
Skunks!
387
00:18:15,260 --> 00:18:19,263
We get hundreds
and hundreds of skunks.
388
00:18:19,264 --> 00:18:22,767
You know, you drop them
all over the place everywhere.
389
00:18:24,770 --> 00:18:28,273
Where do we get these hundreds
and hundreds of skunks?
390
00:18:31,276 --> 00:18:33,278
Well, it's still
in the planning stages.
391
00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:38,282
Gentlemen, excuse me, If you
don't mind my saying so,
392
00:18:38,283 --> 00:18:39,784
I've had experience
in this sort of thing.
393
00:18:39,785 --> 00:18:41,285
Really, how?
394
00:18:41,286 --> 00:18:42,787
I'm not at liberty to tell.
395
00:18:42,788 --> 00:18:45,790
Come on, Saunders, come on,
you're among family.
396
00:18:45,791 --> 00:18:47,291
Please.
397
00:18:47,292 --> 00:18:49,293
Saunders, you've been
on rescue missions before?
398
00:18:49,294 --> 00:18:50,295
Silencio!
399
00:18:51,797 --> 00:18:54,298
Now, trust me, I know
what I'm talking about.
400
00:18:54,299 --> 00:18:56,300
This is what I think
we ought to do.
401
00:18:56,301 --> 00:18:59,237
First, we secure the plans
to the fortress.
402
00:19:04,043 --> 00:19:05,043
Gwen?
403
00:19:06,011 --> 00:19:08,513
Get rid of him.
404
00:19:08,514 --> 00:19:10,515
Can't you leave
him alone already?
405
00:19:10,516 --> 00:19:12,016
You and I gotta talk, Gwenny.
406
00:19:12,017 --> 00:19:13,017
Hey...
407
00:19:13,018 --> 00:19:14,018
I said get rid of him.
408
00:19:14,019 --> 00:19:16,021
One word about this,
and I'll kill him.
409
00:19:21,527 --> 00:19:23,027
Hey, Gwen, are you in there?
410
00:19:23,028 --> 00:19:24,029
Don't come in.
I'm naked!
411
00:19:28,534 --> 00:19:30,535
I thought you said
you were naked.
412
00:19:30,536 --> 00:19:33,037
I was. I just
threw this on
413
00:19:33,038 --> 00:19:34,539
because I knew you'd come in.
414
00:19:37,543 --> 00:19:40,545
Ahh, I've wanted
to hold you for so long.
415
00:19:40,546 --> 00:19:45,516
Oh, Danny, thank God
your home. Get out.
416
00:19:45,517 --> 00:19:47,018
What?
417
00:19:47,019 --> 00:19:48,953
The wine, the champagne.
418
00:19:48,954 --> 00:19:51,956
Get out a bottle,
and we'll celebrate.
419
00:19:51,957 --> 00:19:55,459
I thought you were coming
to the hospital today to pick me up.
420
00:19:55,460 --> 00:19:56,461
What happened?
421
00:19:57,963 --> 00:19:58,964
I was held up.
422
00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:02,400
Come here.
423
00:20:02,401 --> 00:20:03,868
Where?
424
00:20:03,869 --> 00:20:04,869
Here.
425
00:20:04,870 --> 00:20:07,371
No, no, no.
No, not now.
426
00:20:07,372 --> 00:20:09,373
When you're all better, tonight.
427
00:20:09,374 --> 00:20:11,375
I won't be all better tonight.
428
00:20:11,376 --> 00:20:12,376
I will be.
429
00:20:12,377 --> 00:20:14,378
I'll be more relaxed.
I'm so excited now.
430
00:20:14,379 --> 00:20:16,381
I can't go to bed
when I'm excited.
431
00:20:18,884 --> 00:20:21,886
Gwen,
432
00:20:21,887 --> 00:20:23,854
I want you to marry me.
433
00:20:23,855 --> 00:20:26,324
Oh, Danny, you do?
434
00:20:27,326 --> 00:20:28,326
Can't!
435
00:20:28,327 --> 00:20:29,827
What?
436
00:20:29,828 --> 00:20:32,330
Um, not today.
Today is bad.
437
00:20:32,331 --> 00:20:34,332
Tomorrow.
I'll marry you tomorrow.
438
00:20:34,333 --> 00:20:35,333
You will?
439
00:20:35,334 --> 00:20:36,834
Yeah, I will.
Now go.
440
00:20:36,835 --> 00:20:37,835
Where?
441
00:20:37,836 --> 00:20:39,337
Uh, to get, uh, your blood test.
442
00:20:39,338 --> 00:20:41,339
I can't marry you
without a blood test.
443
00:20:41,340 --> 00:20:42,840
I'm an old-fashioned girl.
444
00:20:42,841 --> 00:20:46,344
My blood's fine, and I just
got out of the hospital.
445
00:20:46,345 --> 00:20:49,347
Then go to the printer
because we'll need invitations.
446
00:20:49,348 --> 00:20:53,351
I know! We'll elope.
I always wanted to elope.
447
00:20:53,352 --> 00:20:55,353
Great, elope.
448
00:20:55,354 --> 00:20:56,354
Now get out.
449
00:20:56,355 --> 00:20:57,355
Why?
450
00:20:57,356 --> 00:20:59,357
Uh, we'll need a car.
451
00:20:59,358 --> 00:21:00,858
What for?
452
00:21:00,859 --> 00:21:04,362
So we can elope.
We can't elope without a car.
453
00:21:04,363 --> 00:21:06,864
Elope. Boy, that's exciting.
454
00:21:06,865 --> 00:21:08,366
I never eloped before.
455
00:21:08,367 --> 00:21:11,369
Great!
Me neither.
456
00:21:11,370 --> 00:21:14,372
Now, go and get a car
and make sure that it's a nice car.
457
00:21:14,373 --> 00:21:15,873
Test-drive it
for a little while.
458
00:21:15,874 --> 00:21:17,375
But...
And make sure
459
00:21:17,376 --> 00:21:18,876
that it's the right color,
460
00:21:18,877 --> 00:21:21,379
and if it's not the right color,
have it painted.
461
00:21:21,380 --> 00:21:22,880
Bye.
462
00:21:22,881 --> 00:21:24,882
Oh, where are you going?
463
00:21:24,883 --> 00:21:26,884
I need my gun.
464
00:21:26,885 --> 00:21:27,885
Uh, no, you don't.
465
00:21:27,886 --> 00:21:28,886
They take master charge.
466
00:21:31,857 --> 00:21:34,358
I'm a cop, Gwen.
467
00:21:34,359 --> 00:21:35,826
I should always have my gun.
468
00:21:35,827 --> 00:21:37,828
No, it's too dangerous.
You'll get hurt.
469
00:21:37,829 --> 00:21:39,830
No guns,
not on your first day home.
470
00:21:39,831 --> 00:21:41,832
Just one day without a gun,
okay?
471
00:21:41,833 --> 00:21:43,334
Okay.
472
00:21:47,339 --> 00:21:49,341
Go get us a nice car.
473
00:21:54,846 --> 00:21:55,846
See ya.
474
00:21:55,847 --> 00:21:57,348
See you.
475
00:22:00,352 --> 00:22:02,353
You did just fine, Gwenny.
476
00:22:02,354 --> 00:22:04,855
Don't make me do this.
477
00:22:04,856 --> 00:22:06,357
Sorry, Gwenny,
478
00:22:06,358 --> 00:22:08,359
but if Sheriff Campbell
is gonna fight crime,
479
00:22:08,360 --> 00:22:09,360
we gotta know how.
480
00:22:09,361 --> 00:22:10,861
We gotta get him first.
481
00:22:10,862 --> 00:22:12,863
And what better way to get info
482
00:22:12,864 --> 00:22:15,366
than from the good sheriff's
daughter-in-law.
483
00:22:15,367 --> 00:22:17,368
I hate you.
484
00:22:17,369 --> 00:22:18,369
Be nice, Gwenny.
485
00:22:18,370 --> 00:22:20,371
And do like I say.
486
00:22:20,372 --> 00:22:24,876
And maybe it will be a long time
till death do you part.
487
00:22:39,424 --> 00:22:42,893
Will Saunders' plan
to rescue Jodie and Maggie work?
488
00:22:42,894 --> 00:22:44,395
Or does he just wantsome time off?
489
00:22:44,396 --> 00:22:47,398
Will Burt actually preventDanny from marrying Gwen?
490
00:22:47,399 --> 00:22:49,400
Or has someone elsebeaten him to it?
491
00:22:49,401 --> 00:22:50,901
And what's happening to Burt?
492
00:22:50,902 --> 00:22:52,903
Is he forsaking his family?
493
00:22:52,904 --> 00:22:54,405
Will Gwen forsake Danny?
494
00:22:54,406 --> 00:22:56,807
Will Jessica forgive Mary?
495
00:22:56,808 --> 00:22:58,809
These questions and many others
496
00:22:58,810 --> 00:23:02,213
will be answered in the nextepisode of Soap.
497
00:23:02,263 --> 00:23:06,813
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